Friday, March 17, 2017

Self Awareness

stop the hate, both in yourself and for others

it has been too long....
I have been distracted, by everything...struggling to focus on anything.
I have spread myself thin and opaque.

I started to feel overwhelmed by life...
like I was responsible for everyone, and everything.
I was trying to change the world single-handedly.
I felt the responsibility of everyone's white privilege, I needed to take responsibility for every act of racism and sexism and xenophobia I saw, heard or read.
It became too much!
I was becoming paralyzed.

I have started to triage my life is going much slower than I thought it would...
but I think I have landed on the right path, at least for now it feels like it.

I am still quite politically active, far more than I have ever been in my life!
I find writing a postcard and sending it off is QUITE cathartic.
cheap therapy...I recommend it to anyone; write about anything and send it to anyone!

I had forgotten to take my Vitamin D and felt the effects of the deep sadness...
I have remedied that now as well.

I have been kinder to myself when 4am comes around, and I simply don't feel like driving 40+ miles into town early for practice.
 I know I need to go at least three times a week but sometimes that doesn't happen and that is OK. 

I have felt the changes of aging without children.
My best friend (we live far to many miles from each other) was in town for 36hrs for an art installation and asked me to help. Which I gladly did. She needed to race home to be with her kiddo for his 12th birthday....when I asked he about the day he was born, she started to cry and looked me in the eyes and said that she now knows so many people who can't have children besides me and she feels so thankful that after her miscarriage she was able to get pregnant again and that she is so sorry.
I hugged her and told her it was not a burden she needed to bear, she was allowed to complain and be frustrated and thankful all at the same time!
I felt her pain so deeply.

I have been feeling EVERYTHING so so so deeply.
It is another aspect of my overwhelming of life.

My niece turns 13 today, I unconsciously calculate where I was in trying to create our family.
Each of these children in our lives are markers of how far down the path we have walked.
How far away from our hopes of a child we have wandered.

The birth announcements are father apart now, and the birthdays are larger numbers.
I know the second round, generation is on the horizon...I wonder if I will still calculate where I was on the day they were long that marker of memory will last and when it might be replaced with a memory of them...simply them and me.