Friday, April 27, 2007

Maternal Stage

I saw this on a news site, I feel for this bird.

Ananova News:
Cockatoo mothers creme eggs
A confused cockatoo at a wildlife sanctuary has spent a fortnight trying to hatch a bowl of chocolate eggs.
Pippa has been protecting the chocolates at Nuneaton and Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary since she was taken outside and saw them on a table.
Her owner, Geoff Grewcock, said: "She went straight over, climbed on the creme eggs and that was it. She thinks they're her eggs.
"Until she clicks they're not real eggs, we'll just leave her there."
The 17-year-old cockatoo, who has been at the sanctuary for about four years, is expected to live until the age of 70.
Mr Grewcock described her as "very, very protective" and she had been through a "maternal stage".
He said: "She picked an egg up and threw it at a photographer with her beak as if to say 'leave my eggs alone. They're mine'.
"She's got so much character it's unbelievable. She hates men - we've had a builder in who had his neck bitten. We had to prise Pippa's beak off his neck.
"When she attacks you, she attacks your ear lobe - she goes straight through them. We do free ear piercing here. She's ever so comical - always has been."

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


I feel as though I am in the middle of a swarm, trying to keep myself calm by repeating a silent mantra.

My swarm are not bees threatening to stick me with their points. Instead it is the stinging reality of people easily getting pregnant. Both of my sister in laws are filled with babies. It was so easy for them, it was almost like they simply had pixie dust sprinkled on them and their wombs were instantly occupied.

Their discomfort of "morning" sickness is something I try to have sympathy for, but it is a front. I secretly wish that I was the one feeling sick, and my womb was full with a flinching baby. Instead I ask if I can make something or do something for them, weeping silently inside.

Not only are my sister-in-laws pregnant, but so is an old friend, and another member of my family just adopted...they are in shell shock(but that is a different thread)I am going to be invited to her baby shower....something I dread, in fact I am not going to it. I will push myself through the process of making a baby gift for her, for some reason that is less painful then the prospect of going to a baby shower. I shake at the idea of holding a baby, being near a baby...this must be handled better before the birth of my newest nieces or nephews.

I feel that I only have so much in my reserves and I would rather exhaust it with a sister in law shower then a newly adopted baby shower.

On that thread I was going to mention another time: The new adoptive mother already asked what "we were going to do"-...from infertility to adoption and the shock in the middle...quick to pull as many people into this to make them feel more OK with everything!! My mother was kind enough to simply tell her that "we are doing nothing, we are simply living".

It feels like I am just barely doing that. Instead of having the dream fairy visit me at night and swoop me away to far off places, The Barreness visits instead. She reminds me of my lonely days and sorrow. Sorrow I carry like heavy weights under my eyes and shoulders. My heart is sucking at air, and not drawing blood.

Vultures are swarming to pick at what is left of me.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The Island of The Barreness

I feel so very lonely.
I was recently contacted by some old childhood friends and was asked the common questions...the questions one asks when you have not seen each other in many many years.
I got the child question...mind you all these women have multiple children, have been married and divorced and remarried taken on new children.
I gave my little spew, answering as many questions as I could, before addressing the child questions. When I did I was straight to the point...."turns out I can grow all sorts of things but not babies" followed with, " no we are not adopting, it is not the right thing for us"

I have not heard from them since the email was sent over a week ago.

The Barreness has struck again, I have been further alienated from old friends. I wanted to talk to these women again, they sought me out...but now the same women that were eager to talk to me and catch up are silent.

I have two members of my extended family that were a childless couple struggling in a world of children. After many attempts they too were not able to conceive and maintain a child. I felt a silent kinship to them...they have just been delivered a child. An open adoption...a child is now theirs.

I feel so totally alone....such a barren island.