Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Years Eve

I have been focusing on this concept.
In many facets of my life.

I think it is natural to want to assess the year as it winds out, 
I do it on my birthday too...the marker of time and accomplishments.

New years is always somewhat sad for me...I get really melancholy for some reason.
In reflecting on eve's gone by, I realize that I was always sort of sad...
maybe it is really the quiet that is reflection...and not sadness at all.

I have found that in these last few weeks I have been consciously letting go.
In petty arguments
in petty goals (no this has to go here....)
 in what I think I am right about, or wrong about 

There is a sweetness to letting go.
I feel less heavy in those moments, when I realize I am making a choice to be better
or more aware or less concerned.

When shit hit the fan many years ago, I sought help after feeling like I was falling into an abyss...
My therapist once played back my recording when I was looking for someone to help me

" Hi I just found out I can't have kids and I need help dealing with this. 
I feel lost and dark. Are you accepting new patients?"
Damn...that was raw and brave! Even in the face of the fire breathing Barreness, I stood there with my shield held high enough to not get charbroiled, and instead call for help.

In those dark days, I tried to find help in words...
and picked up When things fall apart. 
I liked the idea of a female monk helping me.
Many of her words did and although I didn't finish the book,
I took what I needed from it and walked further away from the Dragon.

"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality. (9)” 
― Pema ChödrönWhen Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

Letting go seems to have become a subtle theme for me this year.
I have had to learn how to let go of people
Many of whom have transcended this world this year...most unannounced
I have started to REALLY let go of my subtitles, and simply be me.
I am trying, all the time
At times it is exhausting, trying to be so self aware and present that I loose the starting point...
It is easy to get lost in this big wide world...but holding on tighter to EVERYTHING is not the answer. At least, it is not the answer for me.

I met with a friend that was moving away recently, she was super high on where she was moving.
That she was ending her broken marriage, and making her own path.
Manifest destiny
The whole dinner, she talked and talked and talked about this new city she was moving to
she had memorized all the neighborhoods and what events happened when and how she was going to try it all, even things she never did before.
I sat through this whole dinner listening, openly listening...not the kind of listen that you appear to be listening, but really you are planning your response or next sentence.
When she came up for a breath, it was time to go.
I hugged her goodbye, wished her well and walked to my car confused.
I was feeling something but wasn't sure what it was.
It took most the rest of the night and then I realized what it was.
We had grown in two separate ways, and we were not able to really relate anymore.
I came to a moment of peace, I figured it out and was proud of myself for it.

A similar thing happened over the holidays,
I met a friend that I was super close to from high school in through college
He met me before I had plans to meet some ladies for tea.
He piggybacked on the date so to speak...he lives on the other side of the country
we use to talk alllllll the time, then he got married and it happened less and less often.
Now it is down to a text message at our respective birthdays.
This holiday,he texted that he was in town and I should come over to his brothers place to hang out while his family got ready to leave and go to a nearby town to meet with other family.
Initially I was upset at how caviler he acted about the text.
The Barren holds anger towards him for dropping me like a potato.
Instead, I explained that I was meeting some friends nearby, so why not meet me there early and we can chat ahead of the tea....
He first said no and then said sure.
When he did show up, he got two sentences in before his wife showed up and sat down next to him and listened to the conversation. (she said hello to me but that was about it, it is pretty commonplace for her. She use to interrupt the talks saying it was time to go) then his brother and wife and kids showed up...our little talk was witnessed by my girlfriends who scurried off into the cafe while we had our "nothing conversation" and talk about the weather.
About ten minutes in he said, well you better get some tea...and with that we hugged goodbye and that was that.
When I joined my girlfriends they said " WHAT WAS THAT?!" claiming that I had a smile on my face the whole time but clearly he was uncomfortable. I explained that he use to be my best friend from age 15 and once he got married, his wife was dead set on making sure he stopped our it has grown apart. He is now really just a guy I went to high school with that I know a lot about. They asked why I was smiling so much, I told them....I was glad to see him.
I sent a text to him later that day saying it was nice to see him
it is yet to be replied to.
No hard feelings, just understanding.

I am thinking about what I want for myself for this next year.
I am thinking that wanting things/goals for myself is not a kind of selfish that has a negative connotation, but instead is a way to allow see myself grow!
I am looking to improve my self talk
and my belief in self worth

Wishes for a many leveled, many bright
many wonderful wishes new year to you all

Monday, December 14, 2015

Time passes

As time passes I am finding myself identifying less and less as an infertile woman 
and simply a woman without children. 
Maybe those words place less blame, or guilt. 
Maybe that is simply growing.

I have even considered unsubscribing from some websites and blogs that are in the middle of their discovery. Not because I do not want to offer support but simply because it is energy I have spent and can not afford to spend any longer.
I guess this time passing, has distanced me from the central heart of the pain.
The pain is no longer raw
The pain only appears in small short moments.
I am no longer consumed by the monster
The Barreness seems to have stopped poking me
at least that is how it feels right now.

I had a successful exhibition, in fact I sold one of my pieces before the show opened 
and the other on opening night!

I felt like I was floating on a lily-pad, afraid to move to quickly 
and fall into the cold murky pond.
But it was real, I really did it.
A fellow art friend told me I was no longer allowed to feel surprised by my art sales.
I had sold work every year from that show and it was time to get over it.
I smiled
 and then told The Barren, over sake shots after the event, that I liked 
life surprises, and that not feeling a bit of shock and disbelief seemed unnatural for me.
I deserve this success, and I deserve to feel proud
but I also can enjoy the surprise and glee associated with a sale.

We have been running non stop for most of this month already,
social commitments and events.
Now we are done, and just have the holidays to figure out.

We went to our last social commitment last night and it was hosted by a painter friend who has a big show opening in New York on Tuesday. She filled her home with friends and family for an annual get together. Since last years event, she has had a baby and so have many of her friends. In fact at one point, the house was filled with little kids and toddlers screaming, running and slamming doors while two very patient boston terriers watched and avoided them. I sat on the couch with three friends across from The Barren who was chatting with the spouses of the the friends and found myself unconcerned about the chaos.
In fact, totally unfazed.
I didn't need to find my kid, or ask the kids to stop....
not my monkeys, not my circus

As we were gathering up to leave I looked down to put on my coat 
and saw a little green chair, with a pair of little shoes in it.
it was sublime and sweet and 
The Barren and I both just exhaled and moved on to saying our goodbyes

It is moments like that, that I realize that time has passed.
The moments of a magical childhood for our never to be child have begun to age.
We are learning to live life again, be who are suppose to be after all that we have been 
and all that we can still be.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

I was that girl

"A 23-year-old American college student who was killed in the Paris attacks was described as a “gifted student” by her teachers and beloved by her friends.

Nohemi Gonzalez was killed Friday night at the bistro La Belle Equipe in Paris. She was spending time with friends when a gunman opened fire on the scene and fatally wounded her."

When I heard about the attacks in Paris I froze, I literally could not process anything at all.

Many years ago, when I was in my early 20's I was a student studying in Paris, living out my dream of being an artist in the epicenter of my creative forefathers and foremothers. Eating bread and canned peas. Going to the museum everyday, drawing and dreaming and learning who I was and what I wanted from life and for myself. Kissing boys and crying and laughing. 

I was that girl who went to a concert in Paris, and got caught in a mosh pit and thrown to the ground, tossed from the chaos yet, alive fwith fear and desire for excitement. 
I was that girl who ate in a cafe and ordered an omelette in her best version of French.

I was that girl who smelt the night air and felt the magic of the city
I was that girl

And I am that very same girl, shaken to my very core when I heard what happened.
I cried a lot and wondered if that magic had been taken away
I felt as though something had blown up my memories of the sweet, 
nostalgia of the city of light
Someone had taken a dreamer away, pulled her from this earth before she could finish her dreams

I felt
I could imagine
I mourned a stranger
I mourned all the dreamers and strangers who were simply
living that night. Living and dreaming and hoping for more wonderful.

I am those girls
I am those boys
I am those children

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Friday, November 13, 2015

The tides have turned

If Buzzfeed can post this
I know the world has begun to shift...
someday soon, there will be no more shame!


This resonated so deeply in me

“I lost a baby at the end of May. I was just a little over two months into the pregnancy. I wasn’t showing or anything. And I hadn't announced the pregnancy yet. So I don’t think that the baby seemed real to anyone else. But it was real to me. Every time I passed a children’s store, I’d look in the window and smile. I began to look closely at all the different types of strollers people were pushing down the street. I bought a little monkey for the baby that I carried around with me. I started planning our life together. Then one day it felt like someone was stabbing me in the lower abs. I went to the doctor, and they told me that I’d had an ectopic pregnancy, and the baby was lost. I felt really alone afterward because most of my friends hadn’t even known the baby existed. They couldn't understand how I felt. Part of it was my fault. I didn’t want to talk about it. Yet I still expected everyone to understand."

Story and Photo via Humans of New York

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Remembering Death and Life Lived

I had been wanting to go to an event in a nearby major city for several years now, but never had the right timing or drive. So when a buddy called and said she'd drive and wanted to go right after they opened I cleared my schedule and said I'll buy your ticket!
It turned out to be just what I needed and 
aside from a set of scabs from my new sandals it was a great day!

The Dia de Los Muertos festival takes over whole sections of the cemetery 
it is a mix of altars and memorial structures and vendors selling all things related to the holiday.
There are face painters and food vendors too.
Live music, native dancers and people
AMAZING people watching!!

I celebrate this holiday, as it is the anniversary of The Barren and I getting married.
We purposely chose this day, as it is when the veil is the thinnest between the two worlds 
( the living and the dead)
so we knew that anyone of our loved ones could attend the wedding if they choose to.
It is also around the same time as the first of our miscarriages.
So I feel like our babies can feel our love the most around now.
It is a good cathartic way to celebrate, remember and mourn loved ones.
It is all in the spirit of love
and who could not love that !

I took my camera and the below are some of the fun results

Girlfriends all dressed for the day
(everyone was willing to have their photo taken, no one said no)

Jaguar dancer looking at some of the altars
crazy face painting!

Some famous cool dudes are buried here

LOVED her headpiece,
it sparkled and was amazing dancing with the light

Cat memorial in the wall of marigolds
this broke my heart and had me close to tears
I was glad The Barren was home with our lovelies

A Frida Kahlo sculpture complete
with a reproduction of her chest cast and lost baby.
I wanted to take this home.

Your favorite leaf eater
with one of the many paper mache sculptures
it was 90* (32c) , hence the sleeveless top

I took away a lot of ideas for our personal altar this year.
I was able to be quiet most of the day and just look, which was a gift beyond words.
I have a couple friends that understand quiet doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to you, but instead I am talking so much to myself I can't bear to say words aloud.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Working on the railroad

I have been working on me
Trying to figure out what makes me tick: what makes me mad
and what makes me happy?!
you know, nothing deep or anything.

I have found myself looking through old photographs and re-remembering what I was thinking,
how I was feeling in a way trying to gauge if I have grown at all?

I am looking at little parts of my life.
Mental health, how I deal with situations, or not deal with situations.
Am I sleeping better or worse
Am I thinking better or worse.
What I have figured out so far
is that I've gone to over 330 classes 
this is the most devoted/dedicated/addicted I have been about any extra curricular activity in my WHOLE life. On the flip side,
I am learning to be OK with taking a day off here and there:
sometimes that 4am alarm is just too much
 I find that when I go back after a day or two off, I have a renewed sense of desire, drive or insight into why I go. I say good morning to several people now and when class is over I am thankful that I have spent the energy in class and for myself.

I am happy to announce that two publication have contacted me and will be publishing a piece of art in each of their publications. I wish it meant that I got a check to at least reimburse me for the monies put out, but the hard reality is that it doesn't. I will get a "by" line and a little snippet about who I am published in the books/zines and then it will be out in the universe for all the internet eternity.
My big hope is that it will vibrate back in a bigger better way for us.
I am pinning some hopes on that.

Onto baby things:

My friend with the new baby texted to say that she hadn't seen me in a while and asked if I wanted to come over. The Barren and I stopped by for a quick moment on the way to get some grub. I brought over some cat costumes as options for her kid to wear this Halloween. When we walked in she gave me a hug asked how I was and then said "do you want to hold him?" I looked at the perfectly content baby who was looking at himself in the mirror next to his crib and said " he looks so engaged, and so content. Not right now" I think the fact that I have yet to hold her baby is freaking her out. Some parts of me want to be the peacemaker and just hold him to get it over with, while a majority of me doesn't feel compelled to pick him up, so why force myself.
I think this will be a struggle for a little bit longer.
for both of us

Meanwhile, another woman from class asked if I wanted to go to tea after class to learn a little more about each other.
She had come into class last week and crouched down beside me before the session started and declared that women with children are crazy, and aren't we glad we didn't have any!
I listened to what she was saying and then told her that 
I was actually childless by circumstance not by choice. 
We had actually tried to create a family for 8years, 
but now I am working on my "do-over" portion of life.
She was quiet and unsure what to do, so we just did yoga after that.
At tea the following week, it was a strange conversation about how she was financially secure and successful, able to live where ever she wants because she made sacrifices and tough choices when she was younger. She is not sentimental about things and will be traveling for the next couple of months until just before Christmas and then she'll be around for another few months.
I should join her for coffee again.
It was strange, but I am glad I went for some reason.

I guess I am growing and changing.
I am often afraid for stagnation, but after thinking this all out here
it looks like a am really growing
but not growing up thank goodness:
yes, cosmic kitty yoga pants
I am that girl
I am that mature

Friday, October 16, 2015

Meditation for myself

This was read to us this morning as class was beginning.
I found it to be a great reminder, for our own lives and transformations

I am the decisive element

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.
It is my personal approach that creates the climate.
 It is my daily mood that makes the weather.
I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.
I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration,
 I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations,
 it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated,
and a person is humanized or de-humanized.
If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.
 If we treat people as they ought to be,
we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

Thursday, October 01, 2015

Slowly churning


OK so we visited the baby and his mama is calling him by the nickname I had dreaded....I have found myself calling him baby, or his full given name. She is being very empathetic when we are there. Making sure it is only us and not a crowd or others that would be oohing and aaaahing.
She told me to tell her when I was ready to hold him, and that she won't ask again if I want to hold him. I thought that was incredibly kind.
So that helps.
In many ways I am thankful to not have to be there emotionally (new mother) at this point in my life. I am less raw, but still tender...if that makes sense.

I have been focusing on the upcoming gallery season and making as much art as I can muster.
I have even requested a day off so that I can just do my work for another day; not having to switch my brain from one job to another. Even skipping yoga in the morning to make it a full run.

 It took over two years, but I now know the names of several people that I have been in class with, as I introduced myself and they in turn have done the same.
We are far from friends, but friendly and it is so much nicer to say someones name when you say good morning. At least I like to say it that way, it acknowledges that I see them and that for at least that moment in the day you are not invisible.

One of the ladies is a mother of two, and when I first met her declared that she loved her kids but they drove her insane sometimes....I laughed and assured her that I held no judgement of her, in fact I respected her honesty.
She friended me on social media and mentioned recently that her husband brought home pet rats when he was out picking up the kids from soccer practice. I chimed in that pet rats were great pets for kids and that she might find them to be adorable after a little time.
She responded that when I choose to have kids she'd get me a couple for a baby shower gift.

I was taken aback and sort of rattled by her response....I know she was being funny...but it is frustrating and pathetic that after all these years I have to conscientiously, remember to have a sense of humor about things sometimes. How sad is that.
After all this time a wounded person shows up first and then I have to remind them that we are not wanting the pain anymore, so put on a party hat and remember to smile.
lifelong remnants of infertility

I am also finding myself looking at my body in the mirror with less anger...and more acceptance
I wonder what will happen when I enter menopause, how will it change
I wonder if it is stronger than before, even when I feel stronger I wonder if I really am.

I am more thankful for the way my body moves now and in fact so thankful that I just bought myself a pair of shoes that are good for my feet! I usually get the cheap pairs in BOGO sales and half of them eat holes into my ankles and others just leave me with throbbing heels after the day is over. 
My knee has been bothering me and aside from sleeping with a leg brace, and being VERY aware of how I move it I started thinking maybe my years of cheap shoes are catching I got a pair of Earth shoes and will use them instead of my go to flip flops and knockoff Toms
What a grown up idea....

I have a lot of hopes pinned on this seasons' gallery time, in fact I am doing the crawl tonight and wearing a dress and putting my mind in the right place for talking and smoozing.
The Barren has work commitments, so I am going it alone.
I have been submitting still, and waiting while trying to not think about waiting for results.
I have been trying to let my brain stretch, and wander...
explore new processes and concepts.
I have been trying to remind myself that this is it...there are no do-overs with is here and now and I need to make the most of them.
I feel like I am still holding myself back and I wonder why I am not allowing my self to walk to cliffs edge or jump higher or stay longer or dive deeper....

Do you find yourself holding yourself back, unconsciously?
I wonder if it is left over from years of IF or simply who I am?
Everyday I am trying to crack the code...and make sense of this all

Friday, September 18, 2015

Making white noise

So the very pregnant friend had her baby on Monday.
It was a boy, turns out the name they picked out was also the same name The Barren and I had selected for our wished one. It is not a common name so when I heard that was the name selected for a boy I did my best to hide my emotions and possession of the name,
When they announced that they would shorten the name to Gus I was relieved as that is not the love name we have used to shorten the given name...we had picked auggie.
Well, this morning she posted on social media that
 "Auggie was off to see the doctor for the first time since breathing air"
My heart sunk again and now I am struggling with hearing a name that I had held so deeply
and so silently in my heart for years.

How do you give away the name? 
Allow it to float away from your heart and the dreams that you had to say it to your own?

I have yet to visit...I am not sure I am ready yet.
They live just across the road so we can't use distance as a reason for not being there yet.

Until I am ready, more stable on m feet and in my heart.
I will make white noise and hold off
hold my heart
whisper my wishes

Saturday, September 12, 2015

a musical interlude

I love this
it whispers to me somehow
I can still hear it over my 
everyday chaos

Friday, September 11, 2015

Today, tomorrow and many years ago

Today is the 11th of September
it is a big number here in the states.
It leaves me a little unsettled.

I was working at a company that distributed maps when the actual events unfolded 
and for the next year and a half my life was totally changed.
First we got calls from the military 
asking what we were selling and who could buy it.
Then we got calls from the news agencies from all over the world.
Then calls from military families often crying on the phone line asking, 
where these countries
 were that their loved ones were going to.
There were times when we had to call the FBI 
as some calls were requesting very specific kinds of details on maps.
Those were hard and scary.

I know it was best that I walked away from that job when I did.
I was scattered and emotionally spent.

Then in 2006, on this same day
before sunrise, 
and with heavy labored inhales I watched the final breath
 of my beloved grandmother.
She was in her bed, surrounded by family, completely on her own terms.
I had visited and spoken to her two days before.
We just told each other over and over that we loved each other.
It is a beautiful memory above the heartbreak.

This morning, before the sun rose
I got up and shimmed myself into my yoga clothes.
I drove into town for class and watched the sun rise as I 
took deep purposeful breaths with her in my heart.
She died from her lungs filling every time I think of her last moments 
I try and send full complete breathe to her.
I always imagine that would have been the most compassionate thing to give.
A deep breath.

Tomorrow is my nephews birthday, he was born a year later
Life goes on
and on

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Being a grown up

So with this crazy lull in my work at the second job and my sluggish progress with my art...I am left with distractions on EVERYTHING else in life.
I had set up an IRA when I left my last traditional job and thought that over time it would work like a saving account and grow a little money over time, like dust but in dollars. 
With distractions running amuck, 
I figured I'd spend some time trying to dust it off and get it gathering more funds.

I went to set it up and then discovered that I hadn't logged in since I set it up almost 7 years ago...
so I got to speak with people on the phone that sound like they just got out of high school.
When the guy on the phone asked what my goal was, I explained that I wanted to add a little money to "water the account" and 
by the way what is the minimum monthly investment for auto-deposit?
He told me and I told him that I was pretty sure that was doable.
He asked what other investments I had.
I (didn't laugh out loud) but instead said this is the whole enchilada.
I am a working artist, so this is what I have been able to squirrel away.
I could hear his voice change as he understood he was not talking to someone who had money but instead someone who had a LONG way before calling this a retirement account.
He was kind and mellow and is sending me a dictionary worth of information to read.

I can't stand being a grown up sometimes!
Other times there are benefits like eating whatever you want 
and staying up way past your normal hour

I wonder if things would have been different if  there was a kid in our lives?
I doubt it.

It takes us forever to make choices, 
our friends often giggle at us because of it.
Here are some examples:
We have still not painted any of our walls since this place was built in 2003.
The Barren wants to paint a sunrise to sunset on the ceiling from one side of the house to the other...
I don't. 
We had paint chips taped to the walls for 6 months...but never revisited the idea of color.

We are all about resuscitating things, when we have bought new things they end up not working well for us, so I think we are gun shy at jumping in with both feet.
We got a new mattress two years ago and about 7 months in, it developed a ridge right below the pillow line, like it exploded under the surface...sigh.
It still works as a place to crash, but we feel like we made a bad choice.
We need a new screen door, our beloved kitty bent the frame when he crashed into going after a little bird on the patio. We have nursed it to realign the wheels and pop it back onto the track over and over and over again.
We need a new dishwasher, so last November we pulled it cleaned it, replaced all the hoses and put it back to still works but it needs to be updated for sure. when it runs it is so loud you have to leave the room to have a conversation because it is so loud.
This grown up thing is overrated.

Do you ever feel like, Fuck it I just don't want to deal with this and it won't kill me or anyone else if I just don't deal with it today or for a while...?
I feel like that today.
I am cooked with this grown up thing.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

amazing video


(Source: swansong-willows, via jesuseyes)

and had to share it
Amazing footage!

Sunday, August 23, 2015

I have a problem

* I ramble again but I think you can find some enjoyment 
amongst the words and photos*

OK it started with this dress...

well actually this one:
same style but with a different flower pattern

I got these off an online bidding site...I had to alter the darker ones sleeves, as I have broad shoulders and so the little elastic bands in the sleeves drove me nuts, so I removed them and now the sleeves don't pucker and make wearing it a bit more comfy.
Then I got the butterfly dress...and I mean how could I not get a dress with butterflies on it?! and it was not overtly "girlie" and an olive color works well with my pale, pale skin.
Turns out those little sleeves were cut into my arms just above the I took them off and re-hemmed making it a sleeveless number. It has a PLUNGING neckline, which is new for me, but it arrived quickly and was timed perfectly as I had just gotten
 my annual mammo and breast ultrasound and got word all looks good, so I looked at it as a great way to celebrate that I get to keep my breasts for another year.
Last couple of years have been hard watching and learning that so many of my girlfriends were loosing their breasts and lives to breast cancer, so the annual mammo has caused me rethink how I look at my annual exam. Once that letter comes that all is good, it is a celebration of breasts.

Then a series of babies were/are expected so I dove back into the sites and got the 
"totally 80's" dress with dolman sleeves.
I most likely would have worn this in Jr. high school had I had my druthers...but being 45 is just as good, plus it fits perfect and I love how it references my art with its graphic contrast design.
Then this last week I found this lovely blue puppy...contrasting patterns and sleeveless design (no sleeves to remove or struggle with), it was easy to see that I needed to add this one to the options.

I tend to buy dresses when I get stressed it seems...or when I am trying to avoid something or when I want to feel something bigger than that moment.

I have been working these last two weeks on a project that is HUGE, and I am doing it in collaboration with three other ladies. It is unpaid for the time being, and there is a lot of work for me to do (in fact I am avoiding some of it now) but the promise of a bright future is there and I am appreciated for the work I am doing. All that said, it is very stressful, and then there was some fun vagina issues that reoccurred and made for another stressful week...and then there is my second job that is always a crap-shoot of stress and tension and new experiences. So I have been under some real tension and that mixed with babies and artwork being made, but not leaving my bossom coupled with The Barren traveling a lot for work and me coming into a thick time of year for the second job...and the home aging and us looking at the reality of needing new appliances and home upgrades to maintain our property value...and gallery season is around the corner....all this grown up stuff sucks, so I retreat into dresses.
I guess it could be worse and I go to cocaine or something.

I took the niece and nephew to get a few things for school this past week too. I had never done this before. Their parents needed a little help this year with clothes and shoes so we were happy to pitch in where we could.
My 8 year old nephew spent a total of 10 minutes shopping before claiming that he was done.
We were able to secure four shirts, two pair of pants, and a pack of socks before he slid under the shirt display and claimed he was hungry.
It was great...he pointed to the pictures in the advertisements of what he wanted, we grabbed them, paid and left to fill his belly with a mall pretzel.
His 11 yr old sister spent the morning making a list of items she wanted to add to her must have list, we walked into the store, she wanted everything she saw and I helped cull the crazed load of clothes to try on...then we came to the training bras...she said she needed another.
I sat outside the dressing room trying to digest this milestone and trying to remember how old I was when I got mine. She asked what the padding was for...I told her that sometimes your nipples get really hard when it is a little cold and it feels better to have a little something to protect you from rubbing, she said she understood and said that it was super comfy.

Her main piece of clothing was a pair of denim overalls!
When I heard she wanted a pair, my heart almost exploded and I texted my bestie when she was trying them on....My bestie replied...those genes run deep!
(I wore stripped overalls (train engineer style, through most of college, and still have them tucked in the closet with paint stains well entwined into the fabric)
When she emerged from the dressing room all I heard running through my mind was
"Come on Eileen"

This was her first time out of leggings,
so she was trying to get use to the pants not clinging to her body.
She wanted to live in the was awesome to witness her coming into her own self.

I guess we are both going through puberty together
she is entering it and I seem to be rediscovering it.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Still breathing

I am still here, just under a lot of thoughts and projects...
I will post soon, but until then, here is a gem for the start of the week:

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

wordless Wednesday

I've got loads to say....
but for now, here is a pretty boy and a yoga mat

Monday, July 20, 2015

Little gifts

I was getting my weekly hoard of avocados and stone fruit from farmers market on Saturday.
A quiet moving meditation for me.
It was hot already at 8am, and there was no wind.
so it was kind of muggy too.
I had heard on the news earlier, that the drought is so bad, that we would need significant rain for three years strait to restore the levels back to normal.

I go to the market to get the few gems that our CSA box doesn't provide.
The guy I get my stone fruit from reminds me of 
He is really nice and sweet and sells KILLER fruit.
Almost every week there is a different variety of pluot, nectarine or plum to choose from.
I had paid the man for the fruit, and thanked him 
Turned to see a succulent vendor and stood in front of the rows of
pretty little plants all on display for sale.
The market was a buzz all around me...a low murmur of chatter and movement swirling 
on all sides of me....
I was just standing in silence deciding if I was going to get a plant to add to the ones at home, 
or pick up three more avocados.
I decided on two little plants and the man placed them into a little cardboard box, with some free potting soil and information paper on what they were and how to take care of them.
..and was handing me back my change

Just then, a drop
then another, then a crack and the sky split open and poured a waterfall of 
water downward.
People scrambled under vendor tents...
the succulent man was flustered that all his plant information paper was getting wet.
"my wife said, you don't need a tent, it will never rain"
I just stood there, looking up at the sky and smiling, laughing and saying out loud
What a wonderful thing this is

I must have looked mad
A silly smile across m face, drenched in cool raindrops
my shirt and skirt darkened from the new water.
My sandals filled with water and as I slowly walked away it was as though I had my own portable puddle to splash in.

People were huddled under the popup tents and the lady I get my dates from asked if I needed shelter from the rain...I looked at her, water running down my forehead and said
No thanks, it is just water, and it is wonderful to be in it

What a gift rain is

Friday, July 10, 2015

Keep on Trucking

So my last few posts have been heavy and loaded with life crap
I am still in shock but, I finally got some good news

I submitted a portfolio of work that I had hoped :
" demonstrated a professional level of proficiency in the medium"
" Work that showed a consistent, well developed artistic vision"

I had waited years to submit to this group, 
they hold very high standards and quite frankly, 
I was intimidated to try until just now.
They are the oldest guild (of their kind) in the US, started in 1912

I had a "what the fuck" moment and submitted.
This year they also allowed online submissions and 
it saved me having to drive several hundred miles to submit my work.
Needless to say I was counting the days as the month grew longer 
and when the email finally arrived I was scared 
but, the first words were kind so I read further 
and it was a congratulations letter!

I told The Barren who in turn wanted to get wasted and hang from the ceiling....
but I was in shock so I told him I only needed a hug.
He was deflated...but gave me a hug.
I am still in disbelief.
I think after all these months of "No Thank Yous"
I am in disbelief that I possessed the ability to make something worthwhile

I finally let The Barren cheer for me and I had a little moment of cheering myself...
I did it.

I also made it through the annual 50,000 mile service update with the doctor.
It was low on drama and I was frank and forthright, and had a list.

I told her quite openly that my relationship with food had dramatically changed, 
and that most meals involve guilt and fear.
I told her that I think about everything I eat on a scale of  
" would the doctor think this was a right choice"
(How twisted is that! I know it is, but it doesn't stop me from thinking it still)
She looked concerned and after asking some basic do you smoke, how much do you drink, are you exercising questions, she tried to assure me that I am doing good, 
that I am in the right BMI (a number I do not believe in) 
and that I should keep on trucking

She also diagnosed me with Costochondritis
I have had this for almost a year and aside from feeling like " is this a heart attack?"
and some reassurances from women weightlifters
I was glad to hear that I wasn't in fact imagining it 
and I am NOT having heart attacks.

I had fasted for the appointment and by the time I left, I had to give blood too...
that was an hour of waiting and I was famished when I left...
there was a new vegan cafe I had yet to try 
so I was the first one in the door when they opened at 11am
(I had been up drinking water since 6am to plump up my veins so the vampire wouldn't miss)
 I had their "most popular" sandwich:
a vegan Ruben...after ordering it I wondered if I had made a good choice
mayo-ish stuff, cheeze-ish stuff, sauerkraut
first thing in my tummy for the day...
it looked like this:

watch out tummy here comes what I deem as breakfast

then it looked like this:
after I licked the plate
I wandered home, and did this:

It was a highly productive day

Saturday, July 04, 2015

Side Swiped

So it appears to be baby shower least that is what it feels like.
When I got word of the first one, 
I put on my big girl pants, superhero cape and lasso of power 
and quickly said: 
" I can't go"
It felt powerful and right!
I was quite proud of myself.
What was ever cooler was that my SIL 
(who was throwing the party for her sister)
looked at me and said, OK 
and left it at that.
I was super happy that there was no drama
I made time one day and made the baby shower gifts, 
and packed them up way ahead of the event and laid that to rest.

The second shower invite is coming soon, 
I am not going to that one either.
The baby gifts are made and packed away too.

I have told The Barren so that he is well aware that I will be somewhere else,
doing something else.
Hopefully the mother to be will be distracted by her dozens of guests and not 
fixate on me not attending
(like I am that important)

The two mothers to be are very different, 
one got pregnant quickly and with no assistance
the other one, My SIL's sister, spent years trying and 
eventually got pregnant and was on bed rest the whole pregnancy.
When my SIL told me she was pregnant I was so happy fro her, when she said her sister was suffering from morning sickness I said that is great...I was happy for her, she was finally pregnant!

Her shower was to be tomorrow, she was driving my SIL crazy with her vision
of how everything should be. 

(on a side-note, I spoke with my mother and said that I TOTALLY understood this side of the coin. She has sacrificed her body, her finances, her relationship... everything to become a mother
...and now that she is one, she wants everything to be as she imagined it to be. It is her vision of the dream...she is wanting to be the pretty princess from the fairy tale, the happily ever after)

BUT... her water broke today and she is currently in labor.
Shower canceled.

I am finding that thinking about her becoming a mother has side swiped me with a lot of emotions
I thought I was past...or OK with but,
I was crying earlier...hearing in my head
That was suppose to be you
You will never be that woman in labor
you failed

I know that these are The Barreness creeping in with her spells and intoxicating words
I know that some of those things might be true,
I did not fail
The idea of this woman becoming a mother is bittersweet.
In my sorrow I texted her other sister, 
who is also infertile from secondary infertility
Just telling her that I was thinking of her, 
as I am sure today is a mixed bag of emotions for her as well
She thanked me for understanding the pain and emotion of the day.

The other mother to be is a rockstar, still doing crossfit at 7+month pregnant
feeling great and happy and dealing with everything like well, it is no big deal
She makes it look so easy
aside from her mentioning in conversations that well " because I am pregnant..."
I can even hang out with her and not want to punch myself in the face.
but it might be harder

I know it will pass
and that a good sweat in class will clear this all out of my pores,
but today, today I just want to be 
free enough to feel my independence from these feelings again