The ugly bathroom

fancy wear

The Barren and I attended a wedding recently. It was for one of his coworkers and it was one of those events where you know no one but the groom and have met the bride once or twice before and when you did you were slightly drunk....

and distracted.

The groom comes from a wealthy family...the kind that lives in those houses that you drive by and think what does it look like in that house?!

We dressed in our best fancy clothes and attended the backyard (of an ESTATE) wedding.

Guests were gathering in the living room before the backyard was opened and I was looking at family photos when I noticed the grooms parents had photos with people

like MARGRET THATCHER and BARBARA BUSH and stuff....

We were the country mice in the big city.

I complimented, who I thought was the father of the groom, on the beautiful etchings that were on display and was told that was the uncle of the groom....

so I didn't feel awkward or anything. 

I headed to the toilet before the backyard was opened and could not stop laughing....

the fancy house had an ugly bathroom!

Padded fabric walls in green fleur toile!!

This is what made these very fancy people real...

this made me feel relieved, reassured and entertained.

I am wearing my grandmothers belt, yes that is a HUGE lion buckle

The Barren calls it my big pussy belt.

I can do that

We were so freaked out to be on our best behavior and proper but after we saw this bathroom our guards came down and we relaxed a little.

We sat in the backyard before the ceremony and drank a drink or two and played corn-hole 

(where that name comes from I don't know....)

then the very sweet ceremony and we were off to catered reception.

The bride and groom are SERIOUS dance floor party animals and The Barren and I left for home before the cake was cut...I hadn't had anything but a couple carrots and celery (nothing else was vegan friendly) and The Barren had earned passenger status and was fed....

We felt like outsiders, invited outsiders, but it made us feel old and strange.

We were honored to attend and witness a sweet vow exchange and when the talk all turned to babies

as it does at weddings...we looked at each other and said "I hope their home is filled with babies"

then kissed each other and drank another drink.

Unleashing

I saw this today and thought

"My gawd I love this woman"

I am working on unleashing this woman;

she lives inside me and I seem to always want to keep her contained...

it is time for her to run free

I have a problem

* I ramble again but I think you can find some enjoyment 

amongst the words and photos*

OK it started with this dress...

well actually this one:

same style but with a different flower pattern

I got these off an online bidding site...I had to alter the darker ones sleeves, as I have broad shoulders and so the little elastic bands in the sleeves drove me nuts, so I removed them and now the sleeves don't pucker and make wearing it a bit more comfy.

Then I got the butterfly dress...and I mean how could I not get a dress with butterflies on it?! and it was not overtly "girlie" and an olive color works well with my pale, pale skin.

Turns out those little sleeves were cut into my arms just above the pits...so I took them off and re-hemmed making it a sleeveless number. It has a PLUNGING neckline, which is new for me, but it arrived quickly and was timed perfectly as I had just gotten

 my annual mammo and breast ultrasound and got word all looks good, so I looked at it as a great way to celebrate that I get to keep my breasts for another year.

Last couple of years have been hard watching and learning that so many of my girlfriends were loosing their breasts and lives to breast cancer, so the annual mammo has caused me rethink how I look at my annual exam. Once that letter comes that all is good, it is a celebration of breasts.

Then a series of babies were/are expected so I dove back into the sites and got the 

"totally 80's" dress with dolman sleeves.

I most likely would have worn this in Jr. high school had I had my druthers...but being 45 is just as good, plus it fits perfect and I love how it references my art with its graphic contrast design.

Then this last week I found this lovely blue puppy...contrasting patterns and sleeveless design (no sleeves to remove or struggle with), it was easy to see that I needed to add this one to the options.

I tend to buy dresses when I get stressed it seems...or when I am trying to avoid something or when I want to feel something bigger than that moment.

I have been working these last two weeks on a project that is HUGE, and I am doing it in collaboration with three other ladies. It is unpaid for the time being, and there is a lot of work for me to do (in fact I am avoiding some of it now) but the promise of a bright future is there and I am appreciated for the work I am doing. All that said, it is very stressful, and then there was some fun vagina issues that reoccurred and made for another stressful week...and then there is my second job that is always a crap-shoot of stress and tension and new experiences. So I have been under some real tension and that mixed with babies and artwork being made, but not leaving my bossom coupled with The Barren traveling a lot for work and me coming into a thick time of year for the second job...and the home aging and us looking at the reality of needing new appliances and home upgrades to maintain our property value...and gallery season is around the corner....all this grown up stuff sucks, so I retreat into dresses.

I guess it could be worse and I go to cocaine or something.

I took the niece and nephew to get a few things for school this past week too. I had never done this before. Their parents needed a little help this year with clothes and shoes so we were happy to pitch in where we could.
My 8 year old nephew spent a total of 10 minutes shopping before claiming that he was done.
We were able to secure four shirts, two pair of pants, and a pack of socks before he slid under the shirt display and claimed he was hungry.
It was great...he pointed to the pictures in the advertisements of what he wanted, we grabbed them, paid and left to fill his belly with a mall pretzel.
His 11 yr old sister spent the morning making a list of items she wanted to add to her must have list, we walked into the store, she wanted everything she saw and I helped cull the crazed load of clothes to try on...then we came to the training bras...she said she needed another.
WE PICKED OUT A BRA!!!
I sat outside the dressing room trying to digest this milestone and trying to remember how old I was when I got mine. She asked what the padding was for...I told her that sometimes your nipples get really hard when it is a little cold and it feels better to have a little something to protect you from rubbing, she said she understood and said that it was super comfy.

Her main piece of clothing was a pair of denim overalls!
When I heard she wanted a pair, my heart almost exploded and I texted my bestie when she was trying them on....My bestie replied...those genes run deep!
(I wore stripped overalls (train engineer style, through most of college, and still have them tucked in the closet with paint stains well entwined into the fabric)
When she emerged from the dressing room all I heard running through my mind was
"Come on Eileen"

This was her first time out of leggings,
so she was trying to get use to the pants not clinging to her body.
She wanted to live in the outfit...it was awesome to witness her coming into her own self.

I guess we are both going through puberty together
she is entering it and I seem to be rediscovering it.

Silent reminders

I am a big fan of Frida Kahlo and her work

She was an artist that unlocked my ability to be empathetic with and personally identify with.

I know she is quite a popular iconic image of woman now, but her story is often glossed over or only bits are highlighted. She was a rebel, a poet, an artist and a strong unapologetic woman.
Ones story doesn't need to be the same to be empathetic, it just resonates deep inside.

She contracted polio at the age of 6 and then at the age of 18 was horribly injured in a trolley accident and it left her with life long problems

including infertility.

I  remember seeing her painting in college and thinking I understand this pain...I understand her.

Her work is visceral and heavy and beautiful in expressing pain.

When I started to make work about my infertility, I often sought solace in the work she made. 

Almost like a mentor, a moral support cheerleader

I can be brave like her.

It is on my list to visit her home she shared with Diego Riveria

Every so often there will be an article about the museum finding things in the home, that they never noticed before...

recently they uncovered a whole room of Frida's belongings.

and they are now in museum displays.

It is a beautiful showcase of not only the woman's style, but her desire to decorate herself and her things....marking them as hers. Owning them.

It is eerie, but oh so beautiful

HERE are the best photos I could find of the recent displays

Reflections on a birthday

I got super emotional in the two days before my birthday. 

Someone texted me asking if I was really excited about my upcoming birthday and I responded with: "I'm in flux, in the middle of some kind of personal change, so I'm emotional and panicky"

Do you ever get that way?

My mom came over the next day, we spent time together just going to thrift shops and chatting.

 It was what I was looking for. 

A day of no real commitments and let my brain run loose.

I was having a REALLY hard time deciding what I wanted to do on the actual day. It seemed to really peeve The Barren and my parents, who clearly wanted some guidance on the matter.

I just was too spun mentally...but wanted to make a decision about it.

I even got a rejection letter that day and it left me un-phased

My black and white cat served as a therapy cat for her, she recently lost her beloved male cat and finds spending time with mine comforting. 

My kitty is glad to oblige, especially when brushing is involved:

She was still hanging out when I decided I would make my own birthday cake.

On my actual birthday, I made myself a crazy vegan cake, 

and invited nearby friends to come and share in the sugar!

recipe here

IT WAS AMAZING
Vanilla cake (I added orange zest) and vanilla frosting

My bestie sent me a little love package and it made me laugh!

Copper colored wooden clogs!

with a divot for my big toe

Fancy Smancy

I put on a fancy new dress I got just for my birthday, 

and greeted peeps as they arrived.

Everyone got cake and ice cream 

My parents parked themselves on the couch and didn't move for 5 hours!

It was strange at times, and quiet and I reminded me of a proper Victorian sitting room where everyone sits in their own chairs and has conversations in a circle...each waiting for their turn.

hahah

very proper...

When the friends fanned out, my brother arrived with his wife and kids and we all left for a restaurant that could seat 9 easily...it was outdoors and I got to watch the sunset display beautiful colors between the clouds and sky.

My nephew then provided dinner entertainment as he is just barely aware of the power of appendages and spilled the first two glasses of lemonade that were brought to the table.

Later in the evening while explaining something else, he knocked over 6 glasses at one time soaking his baby sister at the end of the table in ice cubes and ice tea.

This second act, had me laughing so hard...the best part was that he said:

"wow that was almost like dominoes"

I agreed and continued to laugh

I think I was the only one that saw the humor in his loosey goosey arms...

He took out well made plans, 

He upset the order of things

and left me laughing

I loved it!

Life is like that.

Winter has arrived...well kind of

I live in a place that is almost always the same temperature.
Some find this heavenly, most people from places that have to
shovel themselves out of their homes once a year
or baton down the hatches from wind.
We live in a homeostatic environment. ho hum mm....
I find it really hard to ever really feel like life is passing
 as there are no visual signs of time changing or moving....

sunny and mild, for the next 360days
 

This last weekend things changed!

We had a whole night of "rain" and then grey skies for half the day...
followed by the last two days of COLD

it has gotten to, ready....30 at night!
 

This all happened in the course of two days...
and it doesn't appear that it will rain again for a while...
so our draught continues.
 

These last few days feels like winter,
I was shivering the other night...
I woke up twice now looking for a light dusting of snow...on the foothills.
No dice yet

My mother suggested I spray our patio with water to maybe make a mini ice rink!

it didn't work...sigh

 

So I have to focus on other parts of life,
wishing for a season is not going so well.
 

Last week I went to the end of the year big art event.
It was just as amazing, in fact I am not sure I have totally processed
all of what happened and how far I have come in this last year.

My work sold in the first hour!
There were TV people there
I wore a cool retro dress
My hair looked controlled
(vain)
I was present in conversations
It was packed and people said kind things about my work
I met new artists, and talked about the struggle to make art daily
It was a strange and reassuring time as an artist
I felt relevant

After the exhibit closed its doors, I walked with The Barren in the cold night to dinner.
We found a tavern that was not full, and waited for our table
When it was time to go to our table I took three steps and placed my foot in just the right way
as to land on my arse in the middle of a busy dining room!
Purse behind me, dress displayed like I was seated for a picnic, legs folded side saddle.
Mortified, I took an assessment of myself and got up...brushed myself off and went to our table.
The Barren got me a glass of wine, assured me that it was all fine and we had dinner.
I took tip toed steps past my point of impact when I needed to venture to the toilet..
the adults at the tables concealed their snickers mostly...

Yoga the next morning made all the aches and pains go away.

As "winter" settles in I feel less like hibernating and more like bursting out of my cocoon!
Like a confused flower bulb

I am not afraid to fall, I know I can get up again
I am bubbling with ideas
I am ready to greet this new year!
Winter is not frozen in me; it is alive and cool and vibrant!
I am currently composing my goals list of next year...

The Ball on Thankful Thursday

Tonight is the BIG art event that I made my "goal" to be ready for

when I was preparing for surgery and visualizing the future beyond the event.
I am feeling a lot like myself...plus still euphorically grateful and mellow.
 

I'm not gonna lie, I spent a good portion of last night going through outfit options...

I even stopped at a shop I had seen a cute skirt at months ago thinking "why not get something new?" The skirt I had seen was long gone...and so I went home to look through my options.

What I settled on is a pencil skirt and retro sweater....black and black with a white collar.

Slim fit, and I had to just let go of the fact that, although I feel lighter, there doesn't seem to be an outward reflection of that. I will wear my glee as the shinny accessory!

I am a classic hourglass/pear girl...considering that I come from thick stocked women that are all shaped like apples my pear shape is an anomaly.

I recently recall  hearing an interview that studied people and how they responded to certain shaped people. Hourglass/pear shaped women made people evoked associations with power and sexuality.

I used that as a mantra to love my body even more.
I was able to finally get the last glue to give up it's hold on my skin and it revealed my new button.
I now have an innie AND an outie!
Another new element for my rebirth!

 

Tonight is work: socializing mixed with business. It involves a lot of talking about methods of making and expressions of emotions, processes. Purpose and drive, vision and execution.

I have to be very present and very engaged.
The last two years I have been part of this event have been like old school New York art openings. There are three to four people between you and the work, the place is packed and filled with energy and beautiful people. Amazing people watching, and electricity!
 

It also requires a lot of your body, in social parties there is often a place to sit, or a little rest spot to escape to. For me, I commit to the whole night, from open to close, I am there to talk about my work and learn who people are, how they are connected to each other, get cards and hear what they are seeing, making or thinking about work.

This evening will require me to be standing in heels on a cement floor for three plus hours being engaged and social. I have a few dear friends that are planning on coming up to see the circus.

I am excited about it, and when they said
"we know you are working so we will just wave"
I begged them to please not do that...as my friend you allow me to take a break,
 they will be the little seat and room to breathe.

I am so looking forward to what this evening celebrates, and marks for me.
I have made it, and it is gonna be a party from now on!

Yes...yes I did

Every once in a while I get curious what it is like to be a girlie girl.

So this year it has manifested as a $14 salad (still trying to calculate those costs)

 and the September issue of VOGUE

Yes I bought the magazine, as well as a handful of new make-up and have sat down for a good put your feet up and enjoy fantasy read.

all the fancy stuff in this salad fell to the bottom of the container

When my 10 year old goddaughter saw the copy of the magazine on the  coffee table, I looked at her and said, "The pictures are all fun to look at but nothing in this magazine is real; none of the women have pores...if you don't have pores you can't be real"

Hopefully, when she is ready to crack open her first "fashion" magazine she remembers that.