Beer and Cowgirl boots

It is that time of year again.

Check in on my uterus and ovaries, 

make sure they don't have any new hitchhikers.

I travel to a nearby town to check into the local hospital to 

have my pelvic ultrasounds.

I have found a great tech, that tells me what she sees before I get my results.

I take her observations as a no need to panic foreshadowing.

I spent too many years worrying after the exam whilst waiting for results.

So I found a person who will tell me if she see changes or give me a heads up.

She is awesome that way and has a similar fibroid and cyst situation.

We are in a sisterhood like that.

She offers respect and compassion that I seek on this crazy reproductive journey.

Today she told me a story of a client that came in last week for a pelvic ultrasound:

A woman came in kind of drunk she said....

she was wearing a skirt and cowgirl boots.

She told the tech that she was a little drunk that she choose to drink some beers 

for her 30oz of clear fluid to prep for the pelvic ultrasound.

(I giggled and wondered why I never had thought of that, that makes for a personal party out of a sucky medical exam.)

After the external ultrasound, she emptied her bladder and hoped back onto the exam table in a hospital gown and her boots.

The tech thought, OK I guess this is how she rolls.

As she was performing the internal portion of the exam she proclaims to the tech:

"you know my husband always wants me to keep my boots on, and I always say no....

 But for you I kept them on! "

Ahhhh the clarity of alcohol

and a vaginal probe

Doing it...

Making sex fun again...yeah it is work!

Inspired by Stirrups Queens post today I thought I would chime in.

I have to work to have sex.
Not because I have an unwilling partner, but I have found that the pill is a serious libido killer.
Anyone else find that?

I felt strangely empowered when I was facing the loss of my ovary, and wanted to have sex a lot!
Then after surgery, I sort of coiled into myself.
Which is understandable...but I kept asking my doctor when is it safe to have sex again.
She seemed puzzled by my eagerness to want to jump right back into the game, but I stressed to her pre/post surgery that my sexual health was very important to me and I was concerned about it.

Now, as I create my new future, I am faced with a new challenge.
I have to really focus and put into the agenda of the week,
have sex with my love.

When I was little my parents were very open with how babies were made, and when I got older how to respect myself and others. I was a good girl with a serious sexually flirtatious streak.
I came of age at a time when sex was scary, AIDS was killing people left and right and I remember telling my high school boyfriend: "if we ever have sex, we are using condoms, spermicide, dental dams and I will also be on the pill" poor thing; he was a wonderful bashful puppy and agreed to whatever would make me comfortable.
College I was sexual, and content and had great partners who were interested in making me happy.
I enjoyed that A LOT
The Barren and I met then and we have been "doing it" a lot since then.
We have weathered a lot of issues, growing up together tends to introduce growing pains and we have had them. He is still an eager college boy in the sheets, ready at the drop of a hat.
 I on the other hand, find as of late, that I am simply trying to keep up or in the same room as him.
He being the sweet wonderful man he is, has thought up some libido experiments:
encouraging me to try and think about sex more,
act out, be crass
daydream, think up fantasies...go hog wild
 as an experiment.

We are both wanting my libido to fire up, re-wire the mechanics of the synthetic hormones that are surging thru my body, killing or whipping my endo into submission.
I mean I got a little peek at what my sex drive could be in my early 40's before I went back on the pill and it was AWESOME.
Now I am due to be on the pill again until menopause, I am stunted sexually
and have to really swim upstream to get my rocks off.
It sucks!
Sex after infertility is WORK; first disconnecting the baby making mindset and then trying to recapture your self identity, and finally summoning your inner sex goddess!



The Ball on Thankful Thursday

Tonight is the BIG art event that I made my "goal" to be ready for

when I was preparing for surgery and visualizing the future beyond the event.
I am feeling a lot like myself...plus still euphorically grateful and mellow.
 

I'm not gonna lie, I spent a good portion of last night going through outfit options...

I even stopped at a shop I had seen a cute skirt at months ago thinking "why not get something new?" The skirt I had seen was long gone...and so I went home to look through my options.

What I settled on is a pencil skirt and retro sweater....black and black with a white collar.

Slim fit, and I had to just let go of the fact that, although I feel lighter, there doesn't seem to be an outward reflection of that. I will wear my glee as the shinny accessory!

I am a classic hourglass/pear girl...considering that I come from thick stocked women that are all shaped like apples my pear shape is an anomaly.

I recently recall  hearing an interview that studied people and how they responded to certain shaped people. Hourglass/pear shaped women made people evoked associations with power and sexuality.

I used that as a mantra to love my body even more.
I was able to finally get the last glue to give up it's hold on my skin and it revealed my new button.
I now have an innie AND an outie!
Another new element for my rebirth!

 

Tonight is work: socializing mixed with business. It involves a lot of talking about methods of making and expressions of emotions, processes. Purpose and drive, vision and execution.

I have to be very present and very engaged.
The last two years I have been part of this event have been like old school New York art openings. There are three to four people between you and the work, the place is packed and filled with energy and beautiful people. Amazing people watching, and electricity!
 

It also requires a lot of your body, in social parties there is often a place to sit, or a little rest spot to escape to. For me, I commit to the whole night, from open to close, I am there to talk about my work and learn who people are, how they are connected to each other, get cards and hear what they are seeing, making or thinking about work.

This evening will require me to be standing in heels on a cement floor for three plus hours being engaged and social. I have a few dear friends that are planning on coming up to see the circus.

I am excited about it, and when they said
"we know you are working so we will just wave"
I begged them to please not do that...as my friend you allow me to take a break,
 they will be the little seat and room to breathe.

I am so looking forward to what this evening celebrates, and marks for me.
I have made it, and it is gonna be a party from now on!

Waiting for that shoe

" the doctor will see you now Barreness"

 

I have yet to return to work, The Barren wanted me to take the full time and wait until I saw my doctor before heading back into the pit of chaos known as work.

These last few days have been filled with me trying to do more and more so that I could gain momentum, and the shock of a full workday and commute would be lessened.

I sat on my arse all day yesterday posting to my shop and writing a newsletter to my collectors and art colleagues so I am still relevant.

 

I am mostly trying to not think about tomorrows doctors appointment.

I really have no idea what to expect or what to prepare for.

 

The Viscountess came over the day before yesterday and spent the day here, she was a brave cowgirl and sat as passenger as I took to the wheel for the first time in two weeks. I ran some errands and she kept me company. It was nice, it kept me light and I felt like I could spoil her a little by picking up lunch and we sat and chatted as we ate.

I had left the room when her cell phone rang and only returned to hear her say to the person on the other end:

" well, we had a thing with our daughter. Yes, we thought she had ovarian cancer, but thankfully that was not the case. but they were able to tell her why they couldn't conceive.
Yes I am with her now, I will call you later "

 

It was hard to hear those words; it was hard to hear her have to say them.

This morning I got out of bed, tried not to puke and then took a shower.
As I had yet to see the doctor I still had to follow orders of:
 "not letting the spray directly hit your incisions"
Shower time is like twister...lots of bending into shapes that are not normal.
I got dressed and was able to button my jeans and headed to the appointment arriving ten minutes ahead of time. I was placed into a room that took my breath away:

creepy and very prepared for splashes

I was told to undress from the waist down and wait for the doctor on that chair.

It was icky and I was left alone longer then I should have been.

My doctor arrived and I mentioned to her " this is quite a room"

she agreed...and then went to tell me about the results.

I have stage four Endometriosis, she said

"you pretty much have really horrible horrible endometriosis"

She went on to tell me how my tubes are suppose to be in front of my uterus but they are behind it and twisted and fused to other bits of scar tissue. She went over the pictures she took with me.

I thanked her for saving my ovary and she was gracious about that.

I asked if any pathology was done on the cyst and she said yes:

It all came back benign and no signs of cancer.

I was happy....

then she mentioned again my fertility, my mood went into " mask mode"

She told me that although there was soooo much scar tissue, there was really nothing she could do to improve my chances of conceiving. She was sorry about that, she then said " you kind of got a double whammy, with this level of endometriosis and the septum in the uterus..."

I told her I understood and thanked her.

She assured me that I was calling the shots, that unless another cyst formed (which is decreased now that I am on BCP) there is no need for further surgery. She mentioned that if pain returned she had a three stage plan to address it and the last step is chemical menopause, not hysterectomy.

In some ways I was glad to hear that.

I just need to stay on BCP until menopause...which I wonder how you would know that menopause had started if you are ...anyways...another topic for another day far off in the future.

She assured me that endometriosis was not hereditary and that if my niece complains of painful periods, push to get her on the pill to preserve her reproductive tract.

That will be an interesting day...she is only 8 now...but I will fight for her.

 

My button is starting to open, like a sick and twisted bud of a flower....

She looked at my incisions and agreed that I had a pool of surgical glue in my belly button and that I could pick at it if I wanted to...ick! and then said I was ok to go back to being me slowly.

When I asked if I could have sex, she asked me how many days since surgery? 14 today...yeah that should be fine if I felt like it.

I told her I was having the most amazing dreams...she laughed and said gotta love that little extra bit of estrogen....

I had a dream I was winning porn actress of the year and my parents were there, but I didn't want them to see me on stage so I kept coming out and telling them the updates of the awards show.

 it was STRANGE!

 

I left the appointment in a daze, shell shocked and not sure where to place all these feelings.

Grateful beyond words, for being cancer free...but devastated so deeply at the real gritty reality of my fertility. I wandered the mall alone for a couple hours just walking and window gazing. It seemed like an easy way to just walk it out, process bits...and not collapse into a puddle.

 

So much to process

Detachable Penis

 

Since my surgery I have had the most amazing and over the top dreams!

I normally have pretty crazy vivid dreams but these most recent ones seem to be taking the cake.

Day two after surgery: I had a dream I was playing with penises, like they were cards in a deck. Shuffling through them, trying to figure out whose were whose....I awoke laughing.

Day three following surgery: I had a dream that I was giving birth to two little girls. I was in a field of flowers. A commercial field of flowers, the kind that flower growers harvest from...I was desperate to find a place to go inside. Inside I jumped up onto a counter and proceeded to give birth. As I reached for my baby, my hands were pushed away...and the children were taken. Never seen.

I got off the table and wandered in the fields looking for The Barren....then awoke.

Day Four post surgery: I had a dream I was running across open land, running to something, but I am not sure. The earth below my feet became softer and softer. Soon I realized I was small, the blades of grass where engulfing me, and I had to push them out of the way to try and see what was in front of me. The earth gave way and I was slogging through a swamp...the mud filling my clothes and pulling me under. Floating in water...serene and eerie. Over processed blues and turquoise colors, sea grass waving.

Day Six: I had a dream that I was working in a gallery, and that all the art on one wall had sold...some very rich person came in and bought half the show. I was shocked and so excited. The room looked like the inside of a Moroccan tent, lavish rugs and fabric walls, glass chandeliers flickering from the candles inside. The someone came up to me and said they wanted to buy a particular work of art...and showed me an image of a piece that is going to be in an upcoming show I am in this December. She said I must have this...I smiled and recognizing it...and remembered that I needed to still frame it. (in awakened life, I have been debating on what to frame it in, concerned that the frame might be too much, but clearly this appeared as a sign to get it framed, it needs to move on)

Last night: I dreamt about penises again. This time The Barren detached his and handed it to me. I was confused but entertained once again. I had penises in my hands and they were there for my entertainment.

When I told The Barren about the dream, he laughed and started singing the the song:

 

The Barren and I have been making a lot of jokes about this "pelvic rest" thing and how it will be great to be off it. We want to get back to our loving, and jumping and goofing around.

The Barren was telling me bedtime stories last night about how he wants us to go out and have a good laugh, relax and tell all this bullshit to FUCK OFF.

I think we have been cooked this year.

Between starting it with funerals and then my mom and then more death and then the cancers of us...we are done thank you very much.

Our dance card is full and we would like to not be invited to this party again.

 

I just have the followup appointment to get past, the last little bit of anxiousness for this year.

Then I am gonna party...with wild abandonment and I am bringing my penises!

 

Meanwhile...it is a grab-bag

I am feeling better.

My friend and I had a super intense moment at the reception following the funeral.

I simply sat next to her, silent but calm and interacting with her daughters.

She looked at me and out of no where said "  am sorry I pushed you away"

I was floored...I said "it is fine, we all need friends in different ways"

She looked at me like I was crazy.

I told her "I sometimes can only deal with things when I have an arms length of space between myself and others and other times I need someone very close to me"

She said that she:

" freaked out when the friendship wasn't doing what she thought friendships should do",

I just hugged her and said " I am sorry for everything and nothing, none of it and all of it."

It seemed to vaporize the cloud that was smashing between us for so long.

I am sure this will be a work in progress for many years...

The Barren suggested I tell her how I really feel, I told him that a reception post funeral didn't seem like the right time.

He agreed, but urged me to not wait too long.

***

I had a rough week at work, and with my mind and the evil things it is capable of.

Thank you Barreness

 but now I am sitting in the studio ready to get some real work started, done and brainstormed.

I spent last night with two girl friends, they are both artists and the nights focus was gallery shows.

It was so refreshing and invigorating to spend the night out with no drama, no preconceived notions, just art, dinner and chatting.

It was fantastic and when it was over I topped it off with a solo walk in the summer night's air back to my car. The air was warm and smooth, the sun had set but it wasn't dark yet...

I felt alive and free and awake!

***

Here is the grab bag part...

Oh and after some serious peer pressure I opened the 50shades book...

stop reading now if you liked the book or don't want to hear my soapbox moment about sexual freedom and liberty.

****

OK in all truth, I opened it much like a book at a bookstore, flipped to a random page towards the front and and started reading. I figured there wasn't a lot of character development...after reading for about an hour in bed alone The Barren came in to check on me.

He started laughing, saying I didn't look too happy.

"what do you think of it so far?"

I looked up and said, well my first impression was that he was a REALLY bad lover.

He told me to give it some more time.

At that, I handed him the book and he started to read and then roll his eyes and then laugh.

We both laughed a lot reading the book.

He agreed, the writing was bad, the story was silly but, we were both thankful for the nighttime laughs. Sadly, this was not meant to be a comedic book.

The amount of "oh crap" and "see how wet you are" made me cringe and I was bored out of my head from the email exchanges.

Now I know both my SIL and other women LOVE this series, and I think that is great for them but really wonder why?

I know we are still struggling as a gender to find ourselves, to act on our sexual impulses and be OK with wanting and needing sex.

I guess the fervor this book has caused with women maybe just highlighted for me that a majority of women are still not asking for what they really want or need sexually.

I guess I am a lucky girl, for my lover just wants me to be sexually over the moon, and he is willing to do anything to make that happen.

Demand that from your lovers ladies!

Then you can write a really hot novel and we can all be smiling from our one handed reads.

***

(stepping off the soapbox)

Some other women I know have said they refused to read it because of all the hype.

I told them I would report back.

Here I am reporting:

It is silly, the guy is creepy and self centered. The female lead is self deprecating to a level of annoying at the beginning and then just boring after that.

The sex is mild, and if you haven't had some saucy/kinky sex by now, get cracking, because this is not saucy/kinky sex....you can think of far more interesting sex...trust me, I know you are creative women!

In the end, I thought it was beyond boring and disappointing.

by hey, we all beat off to a different drummer.