Spent on the sidelines

***Trigger warning***

Miscarriage

So I went to the doctor

I must say the level of kindness at the doctors office far exceeded my past experiences 

so there is a "good on you" sticker for them.

I was asked repeatedly if I was alright, and that they were really sorry.

I did express how even after all these years, I was able to find and access that deep sadness and numbness without any effort.

That is a shock still.

I peed in a cup

Had my temp and blood pressure taken (both elevated)

I had a pelvic exam

I was asked to recount what I had experienced over the last two weeks.

I like to give deep details in fear that something would be left out that was needed.

The nurse practitioner said she had ideas about what might be happening

I had all the signs of a miscarriage, but also unstable uterine wall

also peri-menopausal response

My fibroids or cysts or endo acting up

also she didn't know...

but felt that the longer I was on BCP the swing in hormones 

would eventually taper the bleeding.

So I went to get a blood test to check my 

HcG levels

My FSH

and my iron, because I kept saying that I was really tired.

I also had an order for a pelvic ultrasound.

I was the last appointment for the blood lab before lunch break.

The lady that drew my blood was saying how hungry she was over and over again....

and then as she was taking my blood said:

" I have a really good feeling about this potential pregnancy"

I said, " well, that's good"

and told her to enjoy her lunch.

I left and drove home to fall into a puddle.

Dr's office called the following day to say I am not starting menopause

(at least via hormone levels)

I am anemic and to take a multi vitamin and eat iron rich foods

and the lab didn't run the HCG blood test for some reason...

Did I ask them not to?!

And did I still want to do that.

An additional four days had passed and I told her no, 

I didn't think anything would be left to see.

I am now about to go and have my ultrasound

I am anxious and nervous about my cysts and fibroids having changed.

I am still spotting, and I know this ultrasound tech.

She is compassionate and listens and gives me a heads up 

if I need to be concerned about something she sees.

I am off to drink my water and get probed.

Then, then I can feel unpoked for a couple weeks before my annual checkup

In the meantime I will work on feeling more connected with my body again, as I currently feel quite removed from it....like I am watching from the sidelines.

Beer and Cowgirl boots

It is that time of year again.

Check in on my uterus and ovaries, 

make sure they don't have any new hitchhikers.

I travel to a nearby town to check into the local hospital to 

have my pelvic ultrasounds.

I have found a great tech, that tells me what she sees before I get my results.

I take her observations as a no need to panic foreshadowing.

I spent too many years worrying after the exam whilst waiting for results.

So I found a person who will tell me if she see changes or give me a heads up.

She is awesome that way and has a similar fibroid and cyst situation.

We are in a sisterhood like that.

She offers respect and compassion that I seek on this crazy reproductive journey.

Today she told me a story of a client that came in last week for a pelvic ultrasound:

A woman came in kind of drunk she said....

she was wearing a skirt and cowgirl boots.

She told the tech that she was a little drunk that she choose to drink some beers 

for her 30oz of clear fluid to prep for the pelvic ultrasound.

(I giggled and wondered why I never had thought of that, that makes for a personal party out of a sucky medical exam.)

After the external ultrasound, she emptied her bladder and hoped back onto the exam table in a hospital gown and her boots.

The tech thought, OK I guess this is how she rolls.

As she was performing the internal portion of the exam she proclaims to the tech:

"you know my husband always wants me to keep my boots on, and I always say no....

 But for you I kept them on! "

Ahhhh the clarity of alcohol

and a vaginal probe

and the results say...

 

After dealing with a mountain of nerves in the anticipation and an exploding stomach
(from said nerves)

I went and got my (self advocated) 6.5 month ultrasound recheck post surgery.

I travel to another nearby town to check into a hospital and have the most rockstar tech, Ms. Fabulous, perform my test. She is a transplant to the country and use to be a high risk pregnancy nurse. She is crazy compassionate and I have been talking with her for so many years now, we have shared portions of our stories while she is "wanding" me. She is also a teaching tech, so she often has other women techs with her. Yesterday was no exception...well yesterday was exceptional. I don't care for the exam, I am sure no one does, but after about 20 of them they don't bother me. I do not like the preparation bladder expansion portion, as I need to drive half an hour to get to the hospital, so the drive is me hoping that I have consumed enough water to blow up my bladder but no so much that I piss myself when I arrive.

Ms. Fabulous, got me into the room and introduced me to the tech, asked why I was there-you know the general stuff and when I told her about the surgery and I had two really bad cycles that scared me; I was self advocating and getting this exam to make sure nothing new was filling the space.

The tech looked at me and told me she had a cyst that took her ovary at 20, and that they did a c-section size surgery to remove the ovary. She was now past menopause and was glad to be done with the pain of endo. She told me she felt for me. (that was nice)

As Ms. Fabulous started the exam, we laughed chatted and she said she could see my "guys" which is what we call the fibroids (Ms Fabulous says cysts and fibroids are boys) then my uterus came on screen and I said "there is my girl!" She smiled and she typed uterus on the screen...the student asked if I had children...I said no, that is what my last 8 years was a quest for...but it didn't happen.

She was quiet. Then Ms Fabulous told me her mother called telling her that her daughter could not possibly be happy without children (Ms Fabulous doesn't have kids) we commiserated that parents often don't get it. I told her that my MIL told me she was disappointed we didn't adopt and that it was easy. The student piped in and said " UM no it is not, I adopted and it was one of the hardest longest things I did" I told her I told my MIL we couldn't bear another heartbreak.

We had formed a solidarity in that darkened room, with a wand up my vagina admiring my uterus that I have fought so hard to keep.

The very early unofficial reports are in, well according to my AMAZING ultrasound tech, she confirmed that my left ovary still has no additional growths.

She had a hard time finding my right ovary because

the endo has pulled it pretty far behind my uterus but she did.

She told me I had "small birth controlled ovaries", she said that she had to triple check as she has become so familiar with my endometrioma that she couldn't believe she was looking at my reproductive system.
I thanked her as always for sharing what she saw, that I never hold her to her word, as I know she is not suppose to say a thing...but I am so glad she does, because a weekend of worry is not healthy and she agrees. I left feeling strangely normal and unconcerned.
I had booked a massage to follow the ultrasound, as I knew I would be pretty worked up about it.
The masseuse, was OK, I am bruised today, which doesn't feel very relaxing...but I can float over that, as I am holding onto the potential good news for now.
The nurse from my doctors office should call with the results Monday or so and
say her famous first words to me:
"Hi honey it is me, well you have fibroids but you know that already...."
 

Easy as 1,2,3

Last year the Earl and his wife suffered a miscarriage. I was the first person they told when they got a positive test and the only call when things were not looking like it was going to last...The Earl, desperate to help his wife asked me to ask my IF "friends" if any of them had taken this hormone or that hormone and what the chances were of it helping stop a miscarriage. I was touched that he felt this close to me and I was heartbroken for them as the pregnancy ended and I could offer no help to stop it.

About two months ago, I got a call after dinner from The Earl again. "It looks like she is pregnant again. I suggested that she wait to tell anyone about it until it was much farther along this time." Last time she was 6weeks along when she told friends at a dinner out, within a week she lost the pregnancy.  I told him congratulations as I hung up the phone and thought of their other two children at home....how the youngest was now possibly going to be a middle child.

The Earls wife comes from a line of woman who enter menopause in their late 30's. One sister had a child as a teen and now is unable to have another, and the other is in the middle of multiple years of IF treatments to create a family of their own. So the fact that the Earl's wife had gotten pregnant in her mid 30's twice in this last year was surprising on it's own.

Yesterday I picked up the eldest from school, with the younger one in tow, as The Earl and his wife went to the doctor for the 11 week confirmation ultrasound. I was asked to help because if our mother caught wind of a Dr's appointment she would ask a machine gun line of questions that they didn't want to answer yet. So I was the confidant again.

When the appointment was over and they came to pick up the children, they had no reactions on their faces. There were others here, and they were not able to speak freely or openly. None the less, it made my mind wander to the dark places, and  I imagined the worst scenarios....chemical pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy...still child.

Once the room was cleared and the children were shuffled away and en route to home with the Earls wife; The Earl showed me the ultrasound. In it, a kicking moving thing that looked like a baby kangaroo...flickering shimmering heart. I could hear the voice of the ultrasound tech, high pitched and giggly. I turned to The Earl and said  "that is what an tech sounds like when you have a baby in you? They sound so happy. Wow I never got to hear that..." He didn't say a thing....but maybe at that moment realized what this was like for me. I hugged him and said congratulations again and packed up my things to head home.

They made it look so easy.

It is not what you think....

"You didn't drink enough water...your bladder is not totally full"

(pointing to dark circle on screen)

"I drank two 16oz glasses and a mug of tea...."

"it is OK, this will be fine."

 

*****

 

The Barreness: " if I bring a DVD can you make a movie of this like you do for the others?"

Frank the dildo cam man:" well we normally only do it for pregnancies"

The Barreness: "Well, this is all I have"

Frank the dildo cam man: Silence, then ..." I don't see why not, sure bring one next time. Would you like a photo from today?"

The Barreness: " Yes please that would be wonderful, thank you"

 

You can clearly see the barnacle on my left ovary
that is needing all my attention

I am going to bring a DVD to my next appointment in 6weeks. He went thru the process like an automated man, it was clear that he has been an ultrasound tech for 30 years. He works in a fertility clinic, where he does a myrid of jobs with his ultrasound equiment and

 little ol' me was the hiccup in his day.

 

 I made sure not to drop it or scratch the surface while I visited the bathroom again before leaving for my drive to work. Although it appeared that I didn't have a full bladder at the beginning of the exam, I had to stop three times along my 40mile trip to work. I looked at the precious image every time I got into the car and each time I had a little vision of what it must be like to see a baby on that paper instead of my I-need-to-be-a-little-bitch-to-you ovaries. I sent the image to The Barren and although we both agreed it was super cool to have the image, it was also kind of sad.

 

I knew that in the long run I would regret not getting the image.

In the meantime I can forget it in a book or just kind of misplace it for a while...maybe.

At the present, I seem to be totally transfixed on the side by side images, wondering how something so small can rule so much of me. He wasn't able to get a good pic of the big girl (uterus) as she has a split personality and it harder to get to smile for the camera.

 

Post valentines day

Many believed that valentines day is a special overly love filled day created by commercial media groups to rake up additional sales. In many ways that is true...

In light of this, I try to flip it a little and take moments out of the day to think about love in general. How can I give more, believe I should receive more and do more loving things.

All these thoughts do not require purchasing anything.
My hubby is a romantic and the night before he asked me what I wanted for valentines day.

Seeing that he was asking me in the dark while in bed and at 11:30pm

I made up a list that is as follows:

I would like:

truckloads of jewelry

hour after hour of flowers being delivered to me at work

A personally designed sunset

a Unicorn with a rainbow mane

and world peace

Hubby quietly responded " um, I see where you are coming from but a personally designed sunset is gonna be kind of hard"

At hearing this we broke into hysterical laughter and fell asleep

the pre-ultrasound breakfast of bladder expansion

Today as a"treat to myself" I went and got my quarterly ultrasound...well I haven't gone since June, so it was pretty long overdue...and after last months kick in the uterus I was a bit more motivated to "see" what The Barreness had done to the place.

I got a last year student and my normal wonderful tech.

To see this talented and kind tech, I have to check into the hospital before each ultrasound.

The part I dread the most is the "full bladder" part, it still makes me the most anxious...you can probe me for half an hour or more and I could care less; but the full bladder things fucks with my mind.

**

Well today I got an extra treat, today they decided to try a "3D" image of my whacky ladybits.

The student kept saying "I know how to put together the baby face, but this one is new" it required taking extra pics of my uterus that they then piece together for a 3D image.

If it works out I should be able to request it in about a week.

That could be cool!

I left feeling that everything was ok, and that this is my normal...I can stay here for a couple days until the results come in and reality strikes again.

So, however you chose to acknowledge Feb 14th, I hope that the day was a little different and you did something nice for yourself.

Thankful

She plays coy....but we know her strength

First off I would like to thank the people who are now following my blog.

I have written here for years and in the last 6months I have been "discovered"....in fact the first time I realized I had "followers" I sat and stared at the screen and cried. I am not totally sure why. I think it was a combination of feeling found out, and feeling found.

So thank you ladies for your OVERWHELMINGLY kind words and love.

I do so feel it.

Yesterday was a stop at the NP, I wanted to talk about my plans, and desires for my body.

My primary care doc chose not to call to followup on the results of my MRI from December so I took control and booked an appt with the NP who treats me like a person and hears what I say.

So long crappy primary care doc...and thanks for nothing

When she came in I told her that I wanted to go over my latest results and find out what it really meant. She moved her chair all the way over to me and went thru each of the four lines of findings slowly. 

I pointed out that the cyst had shrunk between the ultrasound and the MRI (one week apart) and she mentioned that it might have ruptured a little after the ultrasound.

She also thinks that the "plucking" feeling I have is most likely Mittleschmerz or middle pain, the feeling of ovulation.

I told her I had not gone back onto the BC pills since I saw her last in Aug (for a stressed tummy) and that although she prescribed them to me, it took months to fill it and then pick it up from the pharmacy.

 It now resides in the cabinet of my bathroom....forgotten most of the time.

I told her the emotion of having to go back on them was too heavy.

I wanted to avoid them for as long as possible. I felt better off of them.

Seeing that I was still doing nothing to shrink the fibroids or the cysts, I was aware I was at risk for torsion and wanted to assess the real facts involved in making this decision.

I also told her I have been fed so many scare speeches, that if she could please simply tell me if I am acting risky. No need to stand in front of a dragon if I don't have to.

After a cyst gets about 3cm she likes to keep a close eye on it. Mine are around that size but I am feeling fine. She said she would prefer to treat me, then the cyst...if I feel fine, then we just keep an eye on the cyst and not go on the pill. I get to have ultrasounds every 4-6months instead.

She told me the warning signs of fallopian tube torsion and I understand the risk.

She told me to that I need to take vitamins and that we will assess my needs as they appear, she will do my annual and we will work together to keep me feeling good!

and that my penchant for chai or green tea is not a caffeine risk.

I felt like a person when I left, I felt normal and ok...I was so empowered that I came home and took a nap!

I awoke from a dream about two weeks ago telling my husband that I have just slain the devil...I slid a sword down its back. It fit into its spine like a sheath, it was not a triumphant feeling, but simply something I knew I could do.

He told me I was a bad-ass, and was glad I was sleeping next to him.

Only time will tell

I made it thru the exam. I drank as much water as I could, but it was not enough....

My poor uterus was slumped over my bladder for the abdominal portion of the ultrasound...so she had to push down quite hard to see all around it.

I ignored the discomfort and tried to not beat myself up about not drinking more water.

The tech was once again incredible and sympathetic and kind...I thanked her for that and it made her blush.

She is also kind enough to say out loud what she is seeing, or doing...another reason I travel out of my way to have her do the ultrasounds.

All seems to still be there, some are harder to see than others but their presence is known, the details lost.

She said very kindly...." I think I will be seeing you again soon" which is code for all is not gone.
She said under her voice that it appeared that one is quite camped out, and the cyst on my ovary is so much a part of its host that she can not tell where one ends and the other begins.

The doctor's report will state more details and measurements...I simply must wait and see.

Wait and see if this two year run is over, and for the sake of my messed up repo system I go back on the pill or I continue the wait and see. Sometimes I think, just go back onto the pill...but then I remember all the things that bum me out about it: handfuls of hair falling out, loosing the curl in what hair remains, the loss of my newly reclaimed sex drive, the mood swings...the fact that I am back on the pill.

I have been to this crossroads before and as sure at times as I am, I am just as unsure.

I know I only get this time around in this life...and I have waited a long time for this spin and have spent a lot of time waiting...simply waiting for a period, a pain to leave, a vision to come....for things to make sense.

I am still having to be patient.

I can see The Barreness, she is smirking at me...wondering which choice I will make now. She treats it like a chess match and has already calculated her moves based on my know responses.

My desire is to fool her this time.

Follow-up

I have an ultrasound at 7:45am tomorrow.

It is a follow-up to one done in July, where a complex cyst was found. The NP seemed concerned and wanted to get me in ASAP, but after she saw the date realized that we needed to wait 4 months before doing the next one.

Tomorrow is that next one. I go to a hospital, and check in to have it done, as it a tiny town and that is the way things are done. Plus the tech there was the first to be kind, compassionate and did not give me the "keep tryin" speech.

Tonight I am just working on not being nervous, I am also trying to drink more water so the AM chug of 40 ounces will not seem as extreme.

Every ultrasound has revealed a new finding, and I just hope this one reveals that the "questionable cyst" is gone or normal.

I have been experiencing new ligament discomfort, in fact most of last week was either the rocks in my bladder or the tight plucking sensation over my right ovary.

On another note, I have been off the pill for almost two years and in that time I have not had one ER visit.

One victory.

Why do I even bother

Waiting

I had my latest Ultrasound today. I drank 45 minutes before the exam and only drank 75% of what I was asked to. I have been on this ride before and I have made a fool of myself too many times before. So I am taking hold of my dignity and making the rules now.

The tech was running late (hence my master plan had already paid off) and I was still uncomfortable but able to talk and move without thinking I was going to loose it.

I made my appointment with a lady and doing so had me wait an extra few days...as there is only a female tech for half the week and a male tech the other half.

The tech was kind and spoke softly and used my name over and over, made me feel like I was more then an uterus and bladder. She pointed things out things of interest along the trip and took a fair bit of time looking around. In her previous career she was a midwife that specialized in high risk pregnancy and was kind and kept saying she was sorry. It made the experience softer, more honest.

She said she had to leave that job because it was so heartbreaking.

" It is always the nicest people it happens to"

At one point on the exam, she turned on the sound and I heard a heartbeat....I wondered what it was like to hear a second heartbeat...beating even faster then your own.

She looked at me and said softly and kindly..."that is your heart."

It made me stop, it made me feel that deep deep hole in my heart.

It made me ache.

The results are already in and the call from the nurse was sweet.

My doctor had already lost the notes on me...and had already suggested I see OB/GYN for further "assistance in getting pregnant"

I swear I need a new doc, bedside manner of a dinner plate.

I spent at least a half of an hour telling her exactly what I wanted noted on my chart.

So as to avoid this situation, this exact situation!

I still have a cyst on my left ovary, but its presence needs to be watched as it has been camped out there for several months and its size and contents have a risk of rupture.

My uterus is enlarged and my there are several fibroids noted of various degrees.

My shape might be bicornate, but it is hard to tell because of the locations of the fibroids.

So now I am here again...40 and looking at the risks and benefits of going back on the pill.

I need to close the salad bar, no more midnight snacking kids.

No kids