Call Me

 

Shit is real

I have found myself on more than one occasion staring off into space.

Trying to figure out where the ground is, as everything seems to be floating in zero gravity.

I decided the days after the election, that I would spend time everyday calling my representatives and so far it has stuck.

I have an app on my phone that gives me scripts and direct lines to their Washington DC offices. Only one of my three actually have people answering phones, so the other two get multiple emails from me personally and then multiple emails via resistbot and robo emails.

Then I try and find things to do that distracts me from reality....I am also going to be attending some training on other facets, to see if it is something I am best suited for.

I am sickened in new ways everyday about HATE, RACISIM and MISOGYNY

I do not refer to the humanoids that have taken power as anything other than 

rumpled foreskin and the frat bois. 

I am truly at a loss for reason to be any kind of sympathetic to anyone who has chosen this.

I have drawn my line.

We are currently getting rain and it is the perfect scapegoat for me to stay home and doing other distracting tasks like organizing, rearranging and thinking of new art to make. Mostly what I have done is cook soup, move piles of tax paperwork and feel overwhelmed.

I visited my parents yesterday. My fathers psychology notes mentioned that he was considering leaving treatment, so I went to chat with him and ask why. He mostly was defensive and didn't want to bother anymore. I used reverse psychology and his love of self to remind him how much he loves the personal one on one time to talk about himself and that he is always saying that he wants to be a better person. These were opportunities for him to learn how to communicate better for himself and explain with words what was bothering him instead of just shutting down. My mother is supposed to start mental health treatment too, finally.

When I phoned today to see if he could recall our conversation from yesterday or even my visit, it took some prompts but maybe my words worked. I think he feels like this is his idea and that might make things continue to move forward.

I saw a friend yesterday, and they were taking photos. When they showed me a couple they had taken of me they said "you are always looking tired these days"

The Barren and I are trying to tie up some loose ends with legal documents so that we can get them off our plate and mind. Things here in the US are unfolding in unpredictable ways and we are trying to make decisions while watching people chase laser pointers and claim they are real space lasers.

So to recap, I make phone calls...loads of calls

many of which feel like I am screaming, politely, into a void.

I am calling my ancestors, asking for guidance; asking for a path though, as my generational trauma bubbles to the surface of my dreams and thoughts...

I feel at times like life is eating me up...and I am constantly pulling myself out of its mouth and reclaiming a moment of quiet or space or peace.

I do hope that something is brighter and beautiful where you are

Gigglemug

Talking about process in gallery
 

So the Exhibition opened and I attended the artist reception

(Typically, the reception that the artists attend, so people can ask questions directly of the artists)

The gallery was full, much more full than I was really mentally prepared for.

It felt like I had entered a speed dating event. I was immediately greeted with hellos and questions, and as the night wore on I had explained the process and meaning and motivation for making the work more that 25 times, but really I lost count. At one point I got a real kick out of my father commanding an audience, and doing his best to explain what I made to onlookers; he made stuff up and explained a totally different kind of art, but it made my heart flutter before I stepped in with the actual information.

It was also the first artist reception I attended without a mask, which made it quite easy to see that I had quite the gigglemug*

My work was well received, and before I left I was informed that it had sold.

The Curator was kind enough to share the news in front of my parents and in-laws, so I got a gold star from everyone that evening.

I am very thankful that my parents attended and that my MIL and FIL make a night of it too.

It is a real gift of time and validation.

*Gigglemug

“An habitually smiling face.”

Since the exhibition I have been floating in a sea of "I don't know what to dos"

I have found that tasks around, and in the home, seem to fill my mind; maybe it is my ADHD or my fear of failure or just a true and complete sense of not knowing what to do next. I have built quite an arsenal of tools and taken so many classes on new and different techniques, 

I am paralyzed with choices...

so many choices.

I have taken to my cameras, yet have not formed a project.

I have prepared to the make a couple baby gifts and have left the washed pile of onesies on my work table for weeks. I have gone to a ballet, art exhibitions, live music concerts, adventures to nearby cities, and made phone calls to friends. I have cooked and baked and gardened and cleaned and ironed and done everything all around artmaking thinking it would land me smack in the middle of a new idea...but so far no dice.

I have been taking yoga and meditation classes four to five times a week, I have delivered meals to my parents, and cookies to neighbors, had tea with a friend, watched movies and horrible TV shows...

I have tried so so many things and still I sit here wondering what do I do now!?

I have made all my doctors appointments and the appointments for The Barren, I have gotten myself a new pair of cross trainer shoes for walking in nature, but we have no plans for a trip yet. I have helped organize The Barrens closet yet mine remains like an overstuffed closet of hopes...I did give four of my dresses to a friend, as although they are beautiful they no longer fit me.

I have been the playmate for the three kitties and then find myself lost in a daze holding a fuzzy mouse toy. I am lost in a sea of unknows and quiet.

I don't mind the quiet, but after all this time it is starting to scare me a little.

When visiting with my parents yesterday, I found them older and more fragile, more forgetful, nothing dangerous, but just this side of vulnerable.

My brother is managing our parents rental unit, and I am his backup, but this morning my bestie asked if I would consider managing her moms two properties (as I live closer to them) as her mother was thinking of moving to a senior living situation, as she missed having people around her.

I am gonna talk to The Barren about that, bounce ideas off of him.

I am thankful for choices and options, as I know that comes from my privilege. 

My question is this: how do you chose which way to travel when at a crossroad?

Have you ever been unable to choose because you have so many choices?

Loss

This resonated so deeply in me

“I lost a baby at the end of May. I was just a little over two months into the pregnancy. I wasn’t showing or anything. And I hadn't announced the pregnancy yet. So I don’t think that the baby seemed real to anyone else. But it was real to me. Every time I passed a children’s store, I’d look in the window and smile. I began to look closely at all the different types of strollers people were pushing down the street. I bought a little monkey for the baby that I carried around with me. I started planning our life together. Then one day it felt like someone was stabbing me in the lower abs. I went to the doctor, and they told me that I’d had an ectopic pregnancy, and the baby was lost. I felt really alone afterward because most of my friends hadn’t even known the baby existed. They couldn't understand how I felt. Part of it was my fault. I didn’t want to talk about it. Yet I still expected everyone to understand."

Story and Photo via Humans of New York

Introspection

“Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.” 
― Tyler Knott Gregson

This was the quote read to us prior to practice.

it resonated with me

Throwback Thursday

So in honor of throwback Thursday I searched my cell phone, 

the following are images that I took on this day in 2011, 2012 and 2013

a duck on a leash

which ones should I buy organic if I have to choose

local grocery store

that is all, for now...yes, I am procrastinating

My plate is full

clearly my essential oils to "magnify my purpose" are working

So I am busy...really crazy busy, 

like so busy I am paralyzed and unable to decide which task to do first kind of busy

.....ever been that way?

I have 10 pieces to frame for upcoming shows that all pretty much need to be done by this weekend.

That is a lot of mat board and math and frame

I can totally do it but for some reason I feel compelled to sit and eat tortilla chips and watch some horrible television instead. What am I doing!!

This last weekend I had some friends over to eat some cake and make me smile...it worked

My father even participated in a music jam session...so the house was filled with sound and laughter.

it was nice...really nice and a great cherry to the weekend before sundae that I was still digesting.

I ate and loved fiddle head fern
as well as everything else that got shoved into my pie-hole

I am currently over committing myself to friends:

I made hand printed coasters for the bride and groom
the back side has three different designs too

I also volunteered, well didn't say no to a bride to be friend, who has asked me to make the cakes for her upcoming wedding (end of the month) and shoot the official photos of the day...yeah,sigh.

and help with all the other stuff that is coming up too....

Last night she sent a HUGE list of things she wants done the day of or the day before...

you know when I would be baking and sweating and freaking out over her wedding cake stuff....

and I want to help but I am a little overwhelmed...in fact so much so I didn't answer her email yet. 

In all fairness it was sent to three people besides me...who all are helping too.

I think that is my latest response to being overwhelmed: waiting...pausing.

In reflection that is probably a really good thing, because if I say something RIGHT away I would most likely add more to my already full plate of commitments and then really feel like taking to a cave and hiding.

I will answer her...I just need to slowly read it all again and figure it out.

I know I am gonna get it all done, and the pressure will be something that I don't like but I can do it and it will be completed and good events will follow suit...but until then....I can vent here and in the tub at night.

I have also been reflecting on being child free...someone asked me at the gym the other day if I had kids.

I simply said nope

She was kind of unsure what to say so she said "well kids aren't for everyone"

I just smiled

I use to answer, no, I have cats....but I was finding that it was a cop-out...like: no, but the cats are just as good. So this was the first time I got to say what I really felt.

I was OK with it, no need to overshare, or be snarky or drop an emo bomb...

It felt comfortable and right.

I watch my SIL juggle a little one and two others and see her still trying to be herself and a wife.

I am thankful for that...both all she is doing and that I am not juggling all that too!

That is a huge step I think for myself...I am really finding comfort again in my self.

On a side note:

This is what I got from my mom and pop on my birthday...

yep, baked goodies and a fresh skull from an owl pellet

I love that the randomness in my life is coming back!

Note to self...

The front of the postcard, charming, no?!

So I was in the garage today, making room for furniture that is bound to arrive by this weekend.

It is the only place that it will fit.

Furniture that is no doubt beautiful and old and too big to fit in our tiny home.

BUT I am still holding a candle for a "forever home" that will fit the chest and the dresser.

 

I was moving things, building a pile of items that will be picked up by the local thrift store this week before they unload more things into the tiny garage that we then get to deal with down the road.

Anyhooo... I was moving stuff and unearthed a box of old photos.

Among the treasures I exhumed was a postcard I sent myself.

Yep, I am that person....I send myself a postcard the last day of the journey telling myself how I was feeling at that moment or what I had learned.

It arrives days after me, and usually just as the "paradise is fading from my memory" and I am getting back to reality moment.

 

This postcard was sent to me, by me in 1997

I had gone (escaped)* to Europe for a few weeks, to find out how damaged I was.

The Barren and I were about 5years into our relationship and he was ready to settle down and I was flipping out....so I ran away to listen to my heart and get a little space....well a lot of space.

He endorsed this, and waited for me to figure shit out...it was really only a short period of time but enough to put things in line, ya know?! 

*Running away sounds to romantic, but really it was me on a $20 a day budget for food and housing and I was eating a lot of candy bars and staying in hostels that fed you breakfast so I could pocket bread or cereal for dinner.

Anyways.....

 

I read this postcard again today with a smile on my face.

This is what it says:

Well- here I am and there you are- two way different places-but still one person. You can depend on yourself- and know how long and short time can be, hours, days, months. Feet are tired, ankles sore- emotionally exhausted. but-in a sense a bit afraid of getting into a groove-becoming set in my ways again. Remember movement-simple movement. walking barefoot-walking the dog-motion is what you need and know that returning can be just as good as coming- the swing is in your heart- you have the ability to come and go and don't let that be taken away.Continue to say what you feel. Be aware of what you need and tell him- don't back down as you wouldn't want him to do.and make art-your soul needs it. Send slides-invest in yourself and enjoy time. Don't wait for it to pass (as I am doing now) be loving-take another chance and give it. Know that you are a strong-confident woman-keep that damn smirk on your face. Keep them wondering.



I am so glad I sent myself this card....it is like a pocket mantra.



1,2,3...

image via etsy

 

 

All the clothes are packed, the xanax is packed, a pair of cozy PJ's are packed.

I am about to dive into another weekend of family.

 

This one has the airs of mellow, all appearances point to it.

Wine, a private room, no real plans aside from meals together

and the aforementioned family photo.

All the children that will be attending have preplanned activities, that do not involve us.

 

I am a little gun shy, but call me gullible, I think this one will be far better then last

or what we refer to as "Hell Weekend"

 

thank you all for your kind words about my last posts...I felt so much better after reading them.

xoxo

 



Choo Choo....

While laying in the dark last night, having a small panic attack.

The Barren and I were going over the myriad of family events

we are attending these next two weeks.

We are attending a HUGE family dinner tonight where I see one of my SIL, the one who NEVER responds to gifts, or gestures for her children.

I am working on releasing that anger/hurt

 

Then this weekend we attend what would have been the birthday for The Barrens cousin, she passed away in November from a rare form of lung cancer. She never smoked a day in her life.

The celebration site is located about 10hours from our home, so it requires us driving all day, to spend a day and then drive home so we can be back to work on Monday.

 

Then another birthday weekend celebration that has us driving to another location, a ranch for a weekend, where we celebrate my aunts 70th birthday.

It is more like being sequestered, as we are required to stay, eat with and partake in all pre-planned activities. We are only given cryptic clues as to what clothes we are required to bring,

and what we will be doing.

Fun for some, but based on our history...it is a mixed bag.

Past family events have been mildly OK, with healthy dashes of bullying you into doing things you'd prefer not to and berating comments about your food preferences or lifestyle choices.

So a typical family vacation.

For reference, the last time the family did this, we now all refer to the weekend as "Hell Weekend"

 

The ranch has horses, and although I would like to ride, I broke my butt a week and a half ago falling on the roller rink...

really, I think I cracked my tailbone, I have all the signs according to Dr. Google.

So I foresee a small battle on this one, like buck up and stop whining and just get on the horse.

 



There is a family photo involved too, as the clothing list requires we all bring a white shirt and a pair of levis (jeans).

The Barren and I were laughing at this because neither of us has a plain white shirt!

I was telling him how it made me anxious to think of a huge family picture,

but then I calmed myself by thinking, well at least they are not using it on the side of a bus or something.

So, my level of embarrassment can be controlled in a way.

 

Then in reflection of this photo I said to him, "hey we are the like the caboose at the end of the train."

Maybe we should make shirts, or refer to ourselves all weekend as Mr and Mrs Caboose.

The end of the line!

It is not what you think....

"You didn't drink enough water...your bladder is not totally full"

(pointing to dark circle on screen)

"I drank two 16oz glasses and a mug of tea...."

"it is OK, this will be fine."

 

*****

 

The Barreness: " if I bring a DVD can you make a movie of this like you do for the others?"

Frank the dildo cam man:" well we normally only do it for pregnancies"

The Barreness: "Well, this is all I have"

Frank the dildo cam man: Silence, then ..." I don't see why not, sure bring one next time. Would you like a photo from today?"

The Barreness: " Yes please that would be wonderful, thank you"

 

You can clearly see the barnacle on my left ovary
that is needing all my attention

I am going to bring a DVD to my next appointment in 6weeks. He went thru the process like an automated man, it was clear that he has been an ultrasound tech for 30 years. He works in a fertility clinic, where he does a myrid of jobs with his ultrasound equiment and

 little ol' me was the hiccup in his day.

 

 I made sure not to drop it or scratch the surface while I visited the bathroom again before leaving for my drive to work. Although it appeared that I didn't have a full bladder at the beginning of the exam, I had to stop three times along my 40mile trip to work. I looked at the precious image every time I got into the car and each time I had a little vision of what it must be like to see a baby on that paper instead of my I-need-to-be-a-little-bitch-to-you ovaries. I sent the image to The Barren and although we both agreed it was super cool to have the image, it was also kind of sad.

 

I knew that in the long run I would regret not getting the image.

In the meantime I can forget it in a book or just kind of misplace it for a while...maybe.

At the present, I seem to be totally transfixed on the side by side images, wondering how something so small can rule so much of me. He wasn't able to get a good pic of the big girl (uterus) as she has a split personality and it harder to get to smile for the camera.

 

Quiet on my mind

I recently spent some time in the woods with friends.

After I got past the "I better be on my best behavior, and not act like a dork" phase I realized I was among "safe people"

I traveled into the woods to stay at a friends home for a night, walk in the trees, look at amazing vistas and take photos like a crazy tourist.

In fact every time I looked over at my companions they also had the camera smashed up against their faces. Our respective loved ones, were gathered in a semi circle, unfazed by our photographic assault of the scenery and all just understood that is how we process life around us. Record it...

Our single overnight and full day felt like it lasted for two or three...there were long moments of quiet and the acceptance of that quiet was unique and fulfilling beyond words.

I ate pie, I awoke to watch animals feed in the early morning in the trees and I spent time thinking and laughing.

I need more of those days...many many more

I was holding my breathe to take this, 18 seconds was my max at 7000 ft

Well try as I might, I keep finding little reminders of my phone call from the nurse all over the house....

and it is depressing the hell out of me.

So, I have invited pretty much every lady I know over to my house tomorrow.

I figured nothing would make me feel better then a good ol'girls day.

I am making a hazelnut cake, and some other little things to snack on.

 Then I will sit on my couch and wait for some friends to arrive thru the day.

Hubby is off to Vegas for a weekend with friends and a celebration of his birthday.

The last thing I need right now is a weekend alone to JUST THINK

that never really spins into a good thing

I am also still working on my 3000 photos from Ireland and I thought you all needed a little break from all this doom and gloom too, so here are a few for your enjoyment:

The Inagh Valley-said to have inspired the creation of fairy tales

Me walking the ruins at Clonmacnoise, founded in 545

Guerrilla knitters in Sligo

Hubby overlooking the Burren

a typical town pub, the two men seen are a fisherman and an undertaker

wordless wednesday

Pick me up

show card

I picked up my prints from the photo lab yesterday.

I had to flip thru the images, to make sure they looked as I had intended.

The first image on the stack is that of a baby stroller, on seeing this, the photo tech said:

 "oh how cute is that!"

this made me cringe a little inside.

As I continued to flip thru the images her conversation turned to how they are the lab that processes the pictures for the crime scene investigators.

 (I thought that was a more appropriate response to images of loss)

She went into gruesome details of what they have seen and processed recently...it left me feeling weak and sad. As I had gone there excited to finally see the work printed.

I left in search of a pick me up...

I stopped by my garden and watered the sad, confused summer veggies and picked a couple baseball bat sized squash.

Then I went back to work and continued dropping off gallery cards to local venues.

When I made my last stop and placed my cards on the podium with the others,

the gallery sitter looked at me and said "I've seen this"

She was excited and frankly it was a great pat on the back!

all that postage and emailing was not in vain

She started telling me about her losses and what people said to her.

The good the bad and the simply mean.

Then she looked at me and said:

 "This is really important and it is a wonderful thing"

I didn't cry until I got back to the car.