Published

 

Many years ago I had some work in an art of infertility exhibition, it was far from me so I sent my work and got to see photos of it on display with other artists work about the same theme.

A couple of years ago I was approached by a research group about my art project and my experience with infertility. I answered some research questions and thought that was that. 

Then last year I was approached by that same group and asked if I could share some art and a statement from my show. 

I did that as well, seems that their research, PHD paper was going to be published and created into a book and would I like to be part of that.

Thinking about my mark in the world I was cautious but open to the idea and wanted to hear more. Then about 8 months ago, I got paperwork from a university publisher, it had some bad wording in it, and I told the project I needed to decline on the opportunity. Turns out standing up for my self and my work had a positive effect, as other people in the project objected too and so the contract was rewritten and there was a green light.

Well, here I am sharing with you that the book has come to reality and has been made and is releasing later this month! All the artists/contributors involved retained their copyright and were "paid" in a single copy of the publication. 

The book is a beautiful collection of stories of infertility from a myriad of perspectives and it is heartbreaking and beautiful, and my artwork and words are collected in it.

It is quite surreal, and a deep wonderful thing from so much loss.

There will be publicity events all across the US, and I have agreed to be available if there is something that sits okay with me.

You can read more about the book: HERE

Book name: Infertilities: a curation

Gigglemug

Talking about process in gallery
 

So the Exhibition opened and I attended the artist reception

(Typically, the reception that the artists attend, so people can ask questions directly of the artists)

The gallery was full, much more full than I was really mentally prepared for.

It felt like I had entered a speed dating event. I was immediately greeted with hellos and questions, and as the night wore on I had explained the process and meaning and motivation for making the work more that 25 times, but really I lost count. At one point I got a real kick out of my father commanding an audience, and doing his best to explain what I made to onlookers; he made stuff up and explained a totally different kind of art, but it made my heart flutter before I stepped in with the actual information.

It was also the first artist reception I attended without a mask, which made it quite easy to see that I had quite the gigglemug*

My work was well received, and before I left I was informed that it had sold.

The Curator was kind enough to share the news in front of my parents and in-laws, so I got a gold star from everyone that evening.

I am very thankful that my parents attended and that my MIL and FIL make a night of it too.

It is a real gift of time and validation.

*Gigglemug

“An habitually smiling face.”

Since the exhibition I have been floating in a sea of "I don't know what to dos"

I have found that tasks around, and in the home, seem to fill my mind; maybe it is my ADHD or my fear of failure or just a true and complete sense of not knowing what to do next. I have built quite an arsenal of tools and taken so many classes on new and different techniques, 

I am paralyzed with choices...

so many choices.

I have taken to my cameras, yet have not formed a project.

I have prepared to the make a couple baby gifts and have left the washed pile of onesies on my work table for weeks. I have gone to a ballet, art exhibitions, live music concerts, adventures to nearby cities, and made phone calls to friends. I have cooked and baked and gardened and cleaned and ironed and done everything all around artmaking thinking it would land me smack in the middle of a new idea...but so far no dice.

I have been taking yoga and meditation classes four to five times a week, I have delivered meals to my parents, and cookies to neighbors, had tea with a friend, watched movies and horrible TV shows...

I have tried so so many things and still I sit here wondering what do I do now!?

I have made all my doctors appointments and the appointments for The Barren, I have gotten myself a new pair of cross trainer shoes for walking in nature, but we have no plans for a trip yet. I have helped organize The Barrens closet yet mine remains like an overstuffed closet of hopes...I did give four of my dresses to a friend, as although they are beautiful they no longer fit me.

I have been the playmate for the three kitties and then find myself lost in a daze holding a fuzzy mouse toy. I am lost in a sea of unknows and quiet.

I don't mind the quiet, but after all this time it is starting to scare me a little.

When visiting with my parents yesterday, I found them older and more fragile, more forgetful, nothing dangerous, but just this side of vulnerable.

My brother is managing our parents rental unit, and I am his backup, but this morning my bestie asked if I would consider managing her moms two properties (as I live closer to them) as her mother was thinking of moving to a senior living situation, as she missed having people around her.

I am gonna talk to The Barren about that, bounce ideas off of him.

I am thankful for choices and options, as I know that comes from my privilege. 

My question is this: how do you chose which way to travel when at a crossroad?

Have you ever been unable to choose because you have so many choices?

ALOT- yep I meant it like that

TW **pregnancy talk towards the end**

I have begun taking HRT (hormone replacement therapy), to me this is another milestone in life...

I went to a second doctor to get a second opinion about an ultrasound result and was given the all clear for treatment. It was a 1 hour wait to see him, also my first male GYN doctor. He came into the room with a resident in tow also a man, and sat down, apologized for the wait and asked why I had come in. I said, get ready for an earful, and then I recounted the history with my uterus & ovaries, why I get yearly pelvic ultrasounds, recent tests and results and my concern about the most recent ultrasound results*. Once I was done, he asked if I was in gynecology, as my descriptions and knowledge was similar to his...I said, well I've had to be my own advocate for a  long time and this is the result.  He said he only had one question, and it was a simple yes or no. My assumption about the current situation was true and he agreed with the prior midwife and the result was that I did not need the procedure the ultrasound tech suggested.

After that was cleared up, I asked if he could recommend a menopause care doctor in town, to which he explained that we could take care of it there....I could get onto HRT, as my breast lump is benign, and I am early into menopause. I told him I had been reading about all the benefits of starting early into menopause and that I was tired of feeling like a zombie. I wasn't sleeping, I was having a hard time focusing, I was more and more concerned about my overall health, my libido had dropped, and although my hot flashes are mild, my night sweats for the last 10 years were getting REALLY old. 

He reassured me of the benefits, and after suggesting that I start a patch. I told him that although that was a great option, I have an allergy to adhesives and so we needed to find another mechanism for delivery. I asked my questions and voiced concerns about my endo, and fibroids and cysts; which he answered and then I left with a prescription and knowledge in what I was choosing.

I sat in the car and felt..........SEEN, HEARD, and scared but EXCITED. A new milestone.

When I picked up the drugs from the pharmacy, I asked the pharmacist what to expect and was given another pep talk and left feeling good about my choices.

My bestie and I have had conversations about HRT and when she went into the doc to have her IUD removed and to ask about HRT the doctor was far from helpful, instead delivered the phrase " it is just something we need to deal with" She is now on the hunt for a doctor that specializes in menopausal care too.

This is not something we should have to "deal with" she is miserable, I am feeling less miserable (even after a week, even if it is psychosomatic at this point) and we deserve better care.

All this after a span of two months of constant stress trying to make something for the newest exhibition that the gallery invited me for. After too many sleepless nights, failed attempts and tears I turned in four options, that I had created with the theme, knowing that I had literally tried everything I could to make the art. Thankfully, and with a kind nod from the universe, I was invited to submit a selected work. So I am in the exhibition. It is a fundraiser, but 50% of the sale goes to me, and the rest is split between the gallery and the garden.  I am quite proud that all the work manifested into a positive reality.

I have been "resting" my creative self since the submission. I had tea with some longtime friends who are painters and preparing for their solo exhibitions. I told them that I was flattened creatively from what seems like a constant sprint. They told me about the post exhibition breakdown, I was still running on my treadmill in an effort to make something else, capture that spark...grab for the stars...be everything and everyone! 

It was reassuring to hear it is real and needed. We are all feeling and looking haggard, wanting to make beautiful, meaningful work while still being everything to everyone and trying to take care of ourselves too...it is alot, a big furry, alot,  just there waiting to see what we step in next.

from Allie Brosh

Does the world seem to be spinning strangely? Is time whipping by like a top?

It is graduation time again, maybe that is why the alot appeared, time markers, reminders of how old my star child is...

Why are all of my yoga classes filled with visibly pregnant women, so so many of them and so many more that are newly pregnant women talking about how newly pregnant they are...

I thought all the dudes got vasectomies' when Roe was overturned...I guess not.

I guess it is another alot.

*my ultrasound result said that I should get an endometrial biopsy, as my endometrium is too thick for a woman my age. I got two opinions from two doctors who looked at my past ultrasound results and agreed it was not needed. Plus, with my closed cervix, I would require a D&C just to access my uterus...

Real estate

 

© The Barreness
A crowd gathered around my work on display

There is nothing to complain about...

Isn't amazing how the one bad thing can ruin the month of good things. It frustrates me, as it gets too much real estate in my mind and then I have to spend so much energy trying to not let it have so much space. It is exhausting.

My work has received so many kind, generous words. Unprompted from strangers and friends alike. 

Many of which as surprised by my capabilities, or creativity.

I spend three hours answering questions, and repeating information to visitors during the artists reception. I wore a mask and only got guff from one visitor, to which I responded that I wanted to remain healthy after the evening was over (it was a man, and a figure model at that...)

I was hoarse and overstimulated when the night was over, I spent the following day quiet and writing thank you notes to all who came out the night before.

A success in many ways. My art sold, I was the first sale of the show, and remain to the most sold artist in the exhibition so far. I am hoping that a review will be made my the local paper...I have learned how to make reels of my images on social media. I have been publishing new bits about the work online on a regular basis to keep people engaged and interested in the work...I am soaring with humble pride from months of focused work and it landing well. 

The night of the artists reception, I was chatting with a well known painter, and she looked at me in my shimmer and pride and said: " well, how are you going to top this?!" It landed like a javelin, I feared that question. I feared I would have to face my next step instead of enjoying where I had landed....I just smiled and said, I am brainstorming that now.

Two days later I submitted the work to a magazine for hopeful publication, a hope to continue to move the images forward...and this morning (weeks later) I was awoken to a little ping of an incoming email. It was a rejection notice. I stayed in bed longer than normal, feeling the weight of my failure.

I should be happy...and in many ways I am. I am still very proud of the work and hopeful it will grant me more opportunities but in many ways I can't sit and enjoy the moment; I need to think of new things to do, places to email, exhibitions to apply to...it is a frantic pace. I often feel as though, I am in the slow lane of the freeway trying to not get hit by passing cars.

It is exhausting.

So it came as no surprise, that I caught The Barrens cold on the return from his business trip. I nursed him for a week, thinking I was safer than safe...I wiped every surface, wouldn't let him in the kitchen, washed all the blankets...but still I got it. I managed to keep it at bay until after receiving my infusion...and then I crashed. My first cold in over three years! The Barren was stressed from his cold and travel, so I needed to fend for myself and I did my best to not be grumpy or ask for anything while I nursed myself back. Last night was the first real night back to a more normal sense of things...and I am back into the rapids, the fast lane on the freeway, the craziness that is normal for me.

So I am like a surfer, riding waves of joy and sadness. 

Thankful in many ways for it all

Myopic

 

I made the mistake of leaving this at the thrift store.

I thrift. I have been a thrift store shopper since High School. 

One of my recent goals is to not buy new clothes, but to thrift as much as I can. 

Fast Fashion/ Clothing is a large polluter so this seemed like an easy life shift.

I thrift shop for The Barren too, as he is in between sizes now and it is cheaper than buying new clothes.

He is cool enough about it.

I was going through the racks and came on this, I even stopped and took a photo of it, 

then put it back on the rack and continued my myopic search of particular sizes...

When I got home I did a quick search and then put my palm to head and just about cried.

this $8 shirt can get up to $200 on the used market!

I am finding that my sights are set to a myopic level as of late.

I am having a hard time seeing past the present, and although my meditation teacher would be glad to hear that, it is not really a good way to view a career or a way to set long term goals.

I am trying to set goals again, as I tend to respond well to them.

I have been rejected from EVERYTHING I have applied to this year...

the streak remains, and the most recent rejection hit hard...harder than I thought it would.

I have enrolled in remote classes to learn new techniques/processes 

and take free courses when and where I can.

I have signed up for free courses offered to artists to refine and update skills.

 My last two pursuits turned out to be much like a timeshare talk...

I lost a couple hours of time and was fed a sales pitch with pressure to buy into a program.

I was more disappointed in myself for not seeing it sooner:

The first was to "teach" you how to successfully apply to residencies. Artists residencies are spaces offered to make work uninterrupted, all require detailed applications and essays. 

The course was supposed to help you refine your documents and increase your chances of acceptance. 

The presenter, spoke slowly for an hour plus on how great all her residences were and what kind of perks, amenities and processes were involved. Some she paid large sums of money to attend and others were juried and she paid less for. 

The people attending were all rejected for all of the ones they had applied to and the lecturers words of advice was: keep applying, keep paying the application fees, and increase the number you are applying to.

I was beyond frustrated and I don't think I was the only one who felt cheated of the time.

The "low cost" ones recommended were a minimum of 3K at reduced rates, plus travel and art supply costs. 

Frustrated, I finally asked:

" being an artist with an inconsistent income, what advice do you have to applying as often as you are recommending?"

The response was: "don't apply to as many"

SIGH

My second attempt was an one hour talk about how to land more shows.

 An artist coach was leading the conversation. Pre-prepared lecture notes were sent ahead of the talk; and once logged in, I was greeted with a pre-recorded talk that ended up being a sales pitch

(see the actual screen shots above)

SIGH

I have had some success, as I took a couple photo classes via zoom and have had fun with the new techniques...but boy oh boy...the admin stuff have been total flops!

It has left me feeling quite defeated and sorry for myself.

Here I am trying to pull myself up from my bootstraps and I just feel fed to the lions of consumerism.

Mind you, I am trying to play in the deep end of the pool, and I am trying to update skills so that I am more consumable...

I was also supposed to be in an academic book about infertility, two of my artworks were selected, this has been in the works for over a year...and the authors are in the home stretch...and sent out forms from the publisher for all the contributors to sign. I read them over, and then had The Barren read them, and then a friend read them because....in them the publisher wanted all rights to the work for all eternity!

So I had to send a letter saying I needed to be removed from the upcoming publication, as I was not ready to hand over all my rights.

(it felt really horrible, especially after Roe v Wade)

My bestie was in town for a couple days, and it was nice to have tea with her before she returned home. We talked about everything including our aging parents. I told her how I feel pushed away by mine. My daily calls are now twice a week and they only talk about my brother when I call. I offer time and cooking and I am turned down. I told her how I've changed my tone, theme, and frequency of conversations...all in an effort to connect more, but nothing seems to work. So I am confused and hurt.

She understood and we both know that the moment anything goes amuck, we both just jump into gear to fix things...zero hesitation. In the meantime, her mother eats food that is mis-delivered to her home, and my parents have long talks with phone solicitors and send group texts of puppy photos.

So this little engine is feeling pretty low, and lost and sad.

But I am trying to see past that...ideally my myopic vision will turn into something else soon.

Until then, I'll just keep my eyes on the railroad line.

Circles

 Circles, they are beautiful and never-ending...

Soap bubbles are shaped in circles (mostly, well when you think of them...now that I think of them, they are a myriad of shapes and this metaphor might not work now...)

Okay, I feel like I have been walking in circles...I have been spending time trying to assist my parents with tasks and plans. Do things for hubby while he works a crazy schedule and do things for my work. I find that there is not a lot of time left for me to sort things out about what I need...plus now we have three cats and the lions share of the responsibilities fall on me now too. 

So when I have time to myself I walk in circles...

Last week was filled with circles- I spent time, money and energy sending artwork and documents to a gallery that was finally having a grand opening and is supposed to be representing (for the last year) me only to not see any of that work shown in the opening reception or online media. I was mortified. That took some time to filter through my mind and just understand some things are not going to work out as you had been lead to believe.

Hubby is away for a week with a friend...he has turned off all access to work and is just "playing" for the next 5 days. I am thrilled for him. Frankly, I think this came at the perfect time, as he is mentally shot and this is just what he needs! I had planned to fill my days with just studio time, not needing to take breaks for meal prep or home tasks.

Then another circle appeared. 

I left the cats for the first time alone for an extended time. It ended up being 7 hours by the time I got home and although I had imagined everything upended, it appears that they slept most of the time.

After volunteering, I picked up some food for the parents and headed to take them for an appointment at the local body piercer. Yep, didn't expect that did ya?! My mother requested for her birthday,  that she get her ears redone, as her holes had closed up and she wants to wear earrings again....so I booked the an appointment. My father wanting not to be left out, had his old piercing done again too. 

The piercer was wonderful and kind and took his time with both of them and I am thrilled to have NO concerns that there will be any complications. He is located in a local tattoo shop and that made my father uncomfortable. While waiting for my mother, my father thanked me repeatedly for not getting any tattoos. He thinks they are horrible...he is very driven by looks, and feels that they look trashy.

 I explained to him how I see them. As humans we decorate ourselves in all sorts of different ways, we collect things, color/cut our hair, pierce our ears, do what makes us happy and hold memories near. I compared tattoos to collecting artwork, if there is a moment you want to remember and hold with you always, why not have it be part of you...collecting images that remind you of that or words that helped your through a hard or joyful time.

I think he understood it differently. His thinking is quite cloudy now, his pain/nerve medicines have made him really have to work to see things clearly and that is often something he doesn't really have energy for. Walking has also become a roulette wheel of if he will loose his balance or not and he refuses to use a cane or sit in a chair when watering the lawn...because of HOW IT LOOKS.

He is currently obsessed with getting a government card that proves he served in the military. I offered to submit the needed documents online to expedite the process so that he didn't have to drive (be driven) up and down the coast to government offices. I gathered all the documents and created all the accounts and today I thought I just needed to put the final pieces into place. After spending hours setting up some other kind of online account to access stuff, the government site says it is not issuing the cards. No reason was given...I researched further and found out that they paused the program last year! it is nowhere on the site. It was a big disappointment and it took multiple days of time, reading documents to and from my father, teaching him which emails are advertisements and which are actual information. He gave his social security number to a person over the phone recently and I just about had an aneurism (my brother thankfully unraveled that mess)  

I felt like I had spun in circles 

I was able to make appointments for them to get a booster shot. It was a whole thing again, as they wanted to know if it was safe and why they needed it. I needed to physically drop off a hard copy of the appointment confirmation because they don't use their phones for apps and don't have a printer for that sort of thing.

There has been a lot of things that interrupt my plans and cause me to run off the rails of focus.

Has anyone else experienced this ruddy transition lately?

It overwhelms me so easily these days...I find it hard to do anything before or after it...as all my thoughts are focused on the task for that day!  It is freaking me out.

I use to be able to do laundry lists of tasks in hours, weekends were full of tasks done and things completed...now I am lucky if I change clothes and do laundry!

So this weekend has started slowly and not as I had planned, but TOMORROW I will do artwork! I am up late in hopes to check off all things that are distracting me and I can wake to a clean slate, prepared paper and a rolled out yoga mat to start the day!

I hope you are all navigating this strange time in the world with grace and a little less apathy.

It is a struggle for sure.

**it took multiple hours to get this post done, as I kept getting called away for kitten crashing sounds, emails, texts and dishes***

Familiar Heaviness

**another quarantine ramble**

© The-Barreness.blogspot.com

So here we are in December...it has been a month since we said goodbye to our kitty and I still involuntarily check places he would be. I also have heard little sounds around the home at night and while I sit in the studio thinking, I hear him grooming himself in the chair behind me. 

Last night I swear the blankets had a cat on them as they were so heavy when I pulled them up to my chin.

A familiar heaviness.

Maybe that is it, there is a familiar heaviness in the days now.

The long weekend produced over 1600 new cases in my county, and I expect that number to rise even further as the days pass into the new year.

I spoke with the GI about my first colonoscopy and we agreed that me postposing it was safe and I was at a low risk group. The case numbers are climbing too high and I did not want to take medical people away from helping others that are in a much more dire situation than a routine colon screening. 

I am getting one, just not while the covid numbers are climbing.

The Barren and I had a mediocre Thanksgiving, we shopped for food and made different food and I tried a new recipe that ended up being long labored and came out quite boring! So that put me into quite an off mood. The Barren had a similar situation with his planned sides, and the bread didn't rise as it should have so we quietly ate a disappointing meal.

When my brother facetimed me the next day, he recounted a similar situation of making big efforts to make something special and it coming out super disappointing.

SUPER BUZZKILL

When I was cooling down from my mild temper tantrum, I mentioned to The Barren, 

Why is this different? We have been cooking from home since MARCH.

Making food and trying recipes for months....

Why do we think that thanksgiving is different?

We are thankful and present most days, and give to others every month...

Ugh, it was disappointing to watch others travel and visit others...

Tik Tok had families gathered and boasting that they were all infected...

I am so exhausted of the quarantine, 

and being a rule follower.

I am lonely, tired all the time

Pulling myself through daily chores and mediations.

My yoga studio found a loophole and has declared itself a "wellness center"

so they are now teaching indoor classes, and have reduced the park classes. 

So I fill my schedule with pre-recorded videos and go to the park two times a week to practice at 8 ft away in a mask nearby others.

The studio classes are full (10people per class) and filled with 20-30yr olds.

I am not the studios demographic.

It all makes me feel old and "responsible"

(a label I was given in my 20's and I have tried to fight it, but I am; I am responsible)

Thanksgiving weekend also got us to send our holiday cards out...

(responsible)

We had a portrait taken by a photographer I have admired for a decade, she does Ambrotype portraits and we did one for our 18th wedding anniversary and used it as our card this year.

I got a call from my parents last night that it had arrived and that it was "interesting"

which is coded language for " I don't like it"

sigh

I will leave this post of rambling about the mundane on a high note...

I dropped of my artwork to the gallery for the year end big event!

No reception this year, but a lot of buzz as always...

My piece sold in the first 2hours!!

I don't know who bought it, I will inquire later, but I am happy to have that pressure taken off my chest.

A sale means two things:

1. I have a new collector

2. I get invited back the next year to submit again !

Of the 11 years I have been invited I have sold work in 9 of them.

then when I thought that was my high of the day

I posted a drawing I did of a musician playing their instrument and tagged them on social media.

That musician not only commented on the work 

but BOUGHT a different piece of my art from my ETSY shop!!!

I have to admit, I did one heck of a happy dance.

so there was that too.

A roller coaster of emotions.

Much like the fluctuation in temperature from day to day.