Muddled and Conflicted

 The Barren and I are conflicted and muddled in our mix of feelings and emotions about the passing of our brother in law.

He passed under hospice care with his wife, mother and children in attendance.

He died on the 10th after a 7 year journey with cancer, drug trials, medical interventions and the power of prayer. He was deeply tied to his church and a christian fundamentalist. He coached local football and was on the board of the adventist school his children attended and his wife teaches at. He was a big guy, big voice, big personality. We first were introduced to him at a birthday celebration for my FIL where he got fall down drunk and landed in the bushes apologizing over and over for making a bad first impression. He was always offering help with some thing or another. He was well educated and held a MBA & MS Psychology.

I wrote about our "November Trip" to spend time around the table together. We saw him once more last year when he attended the wedding of his mother in law, that The Barren performed. He offered to perform the service, but was turned down by my MIL because she didn't want any religion in it. 

He was in pain and we barely shared a word with each other while I photographed the family, and had a meal at the same table once again. There was another family thanksgiving this year, but we opted to not attend and stayed home instead.

When word came from my MIL that he had entered hospice, we were not surprised but conflicted in our feelings. He was a father to our nephews who we are not close to because their parents chose to not allow it, as we were not "good people", meaning we were not christians. 

(so we thought about the boys, and The Barrens sister)

Over the years, we were fine to reach out to if something was needed, like a schoold donation, christmas gifts or graduation gifts. I left a social media platform because he stated that the confederate flag was not offensive to him, nor was a nazi flag as they were just symbols. He was deeply "american" in that his country came before everyones and should be respected, but had no problem teaching his children that women were here to serve men. He continued to support the rapist in charge of the usa and made sure his family voted the same*...which gave then all great joy. He was a person who was one way with family and another with the world he interacted with. He was a people pleaser and performative around family. 

*the kids are in college

So we sat conflicted with our feelings about his death. Then word traveled around family that The Barrens sister was having a small service and so we assumed it would be the church and her and the kids. We were fine with that. We were outsiders and that made complete sense.

Then I got a text saying "it would mean a lot if we could come."

We have rented a car, and a hotel room and are doing an 800mile round trip in two days to attend. We are even shuttling back our new FIL, as our MIL plans to stay for a longer than he would like. 

The posts are now all over social media and I don't think this will be a small service any longer.

How do you deal with the death of a nazi sympathizer in the family?

Short term: We give. We continue to give and give as that is what makes sense to us. Kindness and love.

I chose to make a donation in his name to a foundation that coaches kids in underserved areas, focusing on girls. “Girls” refers to gender-expansive youth (cis girls, trans girls, non-binary youth, gender non-conforming youth, gender queer youth and any girl-identified youth).

There is also a Gofund me style page set up as well, and The Barren has already said he plans on donating funds to his sister. He even plans on bringing a guitar to one of the nephews who expressed interest in playing. 

Needless to say, we remain conflicted with our feelings, and are muddling our way through.

Who is that?

Recently when I look into the mirror I do not often recognize the person reflecting back at me.

Not in an actual I don’t know who I am kinda way, but an unfamiliar way. I feel disconnected from myself in many ways, and like I am no longer who I thought I was kinda way.

When you imagine yourself, you get a mental image of yourself...and when I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflective surface I am often surprised who is looking back. 

The Barren and I attended a cousins wedding on New Year’s Eve, it was lovely and romantic and the first time in a LOOOOOOONG time that we have had plans on new year’s. The newlyweds are soo deeply in love and it was a beautiful thing to witness. At one point I said to myself, this is happiness, this is joy that you are feeling...it felt so different I had to assess it in myself.

My parents and brother didn't go; my parents because they said it was too much fuss, and my brother because it was a kid free event and he didn't want to leave his home alone on new year’s eve. So the Barren and I dressed up and went and every person I saw asked about my parents and why they were not there. It was hard. I was trying to treat the night as my vacation, my get away for 24hrs. I told that to The Barren and he then understood that I haven’t had the chance to getaway...from anything! So as he watched person after person ask about my parents he saw me. We took photos of ourselves dressed up and smiling, the rain that night made for a chilly covered outdoor wedding and the music was insanely loud, so loud I had a sore throat from screaming all night to talk to anyone. As we left, before midnight, we relished in the quiet of the car and the sound of rain on the windscreen.

It is a strange time we are living in, and being here in the states makes it even more surreal by each hour. I am heartbroken and exhausted and constantly worried about something or another. I am trying to practice radical acts of joy and find things in the day that I can celebrate. I feel lonely and sad a lot more of the time, and despite my activities, I am often solo as the weeks pass. Sometimes I like the time of solitude and quiet, often times it weighs heavy on me and I feel invisible until I am pulled from beneath my cloak...

Example: I was followed in the market yesterday by a man that wanted to tell me how he liked my hair, and admired that I was "letting it go"...he had followed me through to store to tell me this and I am sure if I had said anything other than "um, thanks" he would have continued to engage in some other unpredictable way. I was left looking for ways to be in a more people dense area, making sure I wasn't alone, feeling angry that this creepy guy "approved" of the way I was presenting myself. I texted The Barren and told him I felt super icky from the encounter... and I was really angry. This was only a few days after a man murdered a woman in her own car, and the nation saw. Men are unpredictable and scary.

I am on edge, we all are.

For me, this week had beat me up pretty impressively.

I am involved with my parents and their medical appointments. Once again, I waited to be invited and asked to assist, permission is an important part of trust.

Last week was a lumbar puncture and then this week a meeting about the results with a new neurologist for my father. He had become more confused as of late and the MRI showed fluid on his brain, so that was drawn and the new doctor met with us on Tuesday. He was late, and apologized about that...my father was clearly freaked out because he didn't act out about the wait (they were late for his lumbar puncture too and he was repeatedly slamming his walking stick on the ground in a Gandalf "you shall not pass" kinda way. I had to talk to him like a toddler in the common waiting area explaining how it was disrespectful and how there were others ahead of him), but was quiet on the exam table. My mother was quiet too but angry (about her whole world being turned inside out) next to me...fear presents itself differently in us all. 

The doctor took his time and explained the reason for the lumbar draw, the results of the MRI and what he saw on the spinal fluid draw...and then ordered a blood test (a new one, for Alzheimer’s markers) we talked about gait changes in my father’s walking and concerns about his developing confusion and the talk was a mix of science terms and clear phrases which I followed along with but my parents were clearly overwhelmed by, so I am glad I was there to be the "decoder ring" for them. Afterwards my mother kept saying "you were really good" in that I understood and asked questions as they arose with the doctor. Neither ot them do that.

I was masking well, really well...because what they didn’t know was that I was battling some serious abdominal pain from what I thought was a flare..I had taken liquid antacids down the street from their home...and I was horribly uncomfortable. I had awoken with the pains and soldiered on to make work that morning in town before picking them up and shuttling them to and from the appointment. After the appointment I left their home and was ready to release the emotions of the day when I passed my sister in law on her walk around the neighborhood, I buttoned it up and spent the next hour chatting with her before heading back towards home an hour away.

I didn't get to cry, I was too tired.

I was greeted by The Barren, who had a bad day and I told him, I was just gonna have a thin miso soup for dinner and proceeded to make my dinner. After sipping the soup, I collapsed on his lap on the couch and fell asleep.

I am exhausted and emotionally drained, I feel like I am walking around in a cloud. Not really here or there. There has been so much grief in my body for the last two years.

Yesterday afternoon, I told The Barren that as much as I would like to ignore that I have an autoimmune disease, I am getting punched in the face by it over and over demanding attention. I think I am grieving, not just the state of the world, but my body, my family, and my dreams for myself and my life. It is so frustrating to have ideas and desires to do things, but have less than enough energy to do them. To see them so close, but be unable to maintain the stamina to see them through. I am trying to be graceful with myself, but it is becoming harder and harder and I wonder "who is this?"

My own doctors meetings start tomorrow to talk about my latest results. 

Ideally I can have a good cry soon, like a palate cleanser

A friend mentioned this writing prompt and I found it timely

*Keep your chin up buttercup*

Baseline

**Brain dump-trauma** 

 I didn't go to the Bog Witch meeting, I chickened out...or found myself distracted enough to let it slide by. I was embarrassed at myself...and then spent time rationalizing why I didn’t make the effort to go. In the end, I simply made myself dinner, sat and watched something on tv and pondered what happened to my get up and go. 

The Barren is currently overseas for his big business trip. He has been adjusting well, and getting things done and exploring and being pampered by the hotel and his company and coworkers. It is really beautiful to witness and although it was so horrible to watch him leave...I am happy that his experience so far has been a good one. I watch his air-tag move around the country and city and it makes me feel more assured in many ways. I can't say it has totally eliminated my catastrophized scenarios, but it has absolutely muted them enough that I can do other things.

We got a lot of things done and sorted before he flew off, like our will and deep conversations that were overdue. It was so beautifully intimate and healing for us both. We celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary and went out to a dinner. He was so overwhelmed, that I did all the planning and was the only one to share a card and little token.

Meanwhile I also finished my end of the year art deadline, finished a commission, got accepted into a show in NY city, won an international award, stripped my community garden space, shot portraits of a collector couple of mine and finished my 1000th yoga class.

To say I have pushed myself into high gear is an understatement and I don't always run on high, but I have been having more manic style energy bursts since starting this medication.

The second week The Barren was gone we got rain, like A LOT of rain and when I went to use his car for errands, I noticed the rug was shiny...then on further inspection I found the rug was TOTally SOAKEd and the back passenger foot-well had two inches of standing water in it. No open windows, no open doors...the inside was dry...but the floor was under water! so I spent multiple days getting as much water out as possible between additional rain storms. Yesterday after multiple hours with a shop vacuum, I "tapped out" and drove it to the mechanics for professional help. I had done everything I could and still it wasn’t enough. I contacted the insurance company and filed a claim, and now it is with the professionals.

********

The Barren is home, safe and didn't get sick! MASSIVE WIN for us both.

A funny snafu was that I had kept all the information about his car to myself, as there was nothing he could do from India and so I figured I'd explain when I went to pick him up. The night before he was set to travel home, the mechanics texted him an invoice! He called and said why are they texting me an invoice, is this spam? I explained what happened and we both had a massive laugh about it. He has been considering another car and this might have been Mother Nature’s push to change things up.

Since his return we've hunkered down and have been taking things at a slower pace. He leaves again Sunday for another trip but this time only East and for only a week.

Last weekend we got some results back on my father, and it will require some more appointments, procedures and patience. Upon this information being shared by my parents to other family members, I got a phone call the day after. Actually a conference call with a slight interrogation feeling to it, asking me what I am doing and how this is being addressed and why I wasn't pushing my parents into making choices, and do I trust the doctors etc...

I finished the call, and stood up to find my whole back had a spasm and my left hip was trashed. I have spent the week stretching and heating and taking Tylenol. Thursday was the BIG GALLERY exhibition and I want to be able to stand and share the excitement of the night and my accomplishments.

I ended up at the massage therapist on Wednesday asking her to cast spells, and do any other magic should could do to help me be more comfortable. It is most likely a sciatica episode and as I have NEVER had this happen before I was learning as I moved through it.

She gave me a massage, and did some cupping, reiki, hot stones and preformed some serious magic to my back and hip. Leaving me so so thankful!

I arrived at the big event last night rested, ready and in little, to no discomfort.

I was able to get a couple photos just after entering the event, and then my in-laws arrived. I love that they come to this event. It is always a funny surreal moment, as my mother in law has hearing loss and doesn't read the room, so I have been interrupted in a conversation more than once by her interjecting herself, because she can't hear I am already talking. My new father in law is often decked out in a Santa cap and seasonal shirt and wandering about with a smile taking in the busy gallery scene. Last night was the same, so when The Barren suggested they head out front to get some air, I followed and they rested against the front window, chatting and then....

My father in law suddenly collapsed, I threw my arms out and caught him before he hit the cement. He seemed to have fainted...he recovered and stood up again, and while I was chatting with him...he collapsed again...this time for longer and I caught his crumple again, making sure his head was safe and straightening his legs from below himself. The Barren called 911 and the response was swift. I kneeled on the sidewalk next to him talking to him quietly and convincing him to let a professional make sure he was okay. 

My mother in law just kept saying this has never happened and he was tired. As wealked her to the car, I reasched out and placed a hand on her shoulder, to which she responded "I'm fine", I looked her way and said, sometimes it is just nice to be reminded that you have people around you that care. She didn't really find comfort in my softness, so I let the words float away. We took her to the ER to wait for word. He was being treated for dehydration and low blood pressure and after hearing this my MIL told us to take her home. He had other labs being done, so she would wait for results and his call to pick him up from home where she had a car. She shooed us out and we sat in our car for a moment wondering WTF just happened!?

We went to a restaurant in town to stare at each other, ask each other over and over " you okay"; my hip/thigh pulsing in pain and try to process the evening that just unfolded under a beautiful full moon in front of the gallery on the biggest night of the year.

As our food arrived, MIL texted that he was released and home. As of this morning, although he didn’t sleep well, he was fine and she'd check his blood pressure before they take the bus to retrieve their bikes from last night. 

So that was last night.

Totally normal, totally surreal, absolutely baseline for this year.

in reflection, I am thankful that my body carried me through the night, never once faltering at what I asked from it. Showing me how strong it is and how capable I am.

My cousin was there, helping me by getting me a glass of water, putting hands on my shoulder, while The Barren supported by his mom and answered questions. Her question was "how can I best support you right now?"

Kindness does matter

Shifting mindscape

 The new year has arrived and with it all the stress and terror about what these next few years will unfold and release. So many unknowns and fears and realities. 

It is like one thing after another, so surreal and so hard to really wrap my brain around...

I read somewhere during quarantine that the human brain wasn't designed/built to handle this many stressful events. I try and say that to myself when I am faced with a 4foot thick wall of stress and anxiousness and fear. 

"I am not going to be able to manage all this into a neat orderly situation that I can fix"

I have found my time out in public is feeling more feral. I don't reach out to talk to people unprompted anymore. I purposely don't make eye contact with people, especially men; and when engaged I stare strait into their eyes with a "don't fuck with me, I don't trust you" energy.

I am feeling so many feelings and not quite sure how to process them anymore.

I fear I am not preparing "right" for all these new unknowable's, and unimaginable scenarios. I have stocked up on a few women's healthcare supplies, just in case. Our little bit of savings are being managed by professionals, I have asked my doctor about my medicines and if the medical system changed...he assured me that the medicine I am taking or would change to is currently manufactured and readily available. (not totally convinced but I can't manage everything) I think my glasses are next on the list to upgrade before too late here. I am trying to secure me, as being a woman in the US now has some potential real changes. It is hard to imagine this...like beyond unreal.

And right on cue, Mother Nature shows us all that nothing is okay and has started some of the largest and most horrible fires that my state has seen in a while. Soooo sooo much loss.

My fire app is sending notices every hour it seems, new fires are everywhere.

I sit here and wonder, stare and dissociate.

*****

In an effort to flip my mind in a new way and not cement those neuropathways...

I made an impulsive decision last week to buy tickets to a small circus that was visiting our town. I drove by the tent for a couple weeks on my way to predawn yoga, the lights of the tent glowed in such a magical way. I had The Barren make a detour one night so I could try and take a couple pinhole photos. Then Friday last week while I sat in the car at 5:45 in the morning, I bought tickets to see the show. I splurged and got the VIP tickets so we could sit as close as possible. Thankfully DH knew I was trying to self soothe and went along with me with zero hesitation. As I stepped out of the car it was like I let go of all my sadness, and forced myself to just embrace my childhood glee. I cheered loudly at the preshow performances and just about burst into tears with joy as I walked past the ring leader standing on a box playing the song from Amelie on the accordion, at the entrance into the tent.

It was an old style Italian circus; there were dropped juggling pins, kids freaking out, a horse that stood its ground and a single clown who ended up sitting on my lap! Simply put, it was charming and well worth the time.

My face hurt from smiling and my muscles behind my ears clenched from so must laughing. The jokes were corny and predictable but I didn't care. I had taken off my airs when I left the car and thought, this is what a moment of joy feels like, embrace it.

It was magic and I was thankful I had that little voice tell me to do it.

My world has shifted for sure, it has radically changed me and the way I see the once amazing world that surrounded me. I am grateful that I wake up each day, and I continue to choose to fight the urge to go with the flow. I work everyday with maintaining my calm and processing unaccounted for things and situations. It is sometimes a real struggle.

I am thankful I have a home, a loving partner and a couple friends.

I am thankful that my body continues to show up for me and my family both chosen and blood related is relatively healthy.

I don't know how I could have raised a kind little person through these times...I fear I might not have been able to show up for them in the best way.

I guess I need to just start small again, and just keep showing up for myself

I hope that all of you can keep doing that too.

Winter

The month is rolling by quickly...and I am thankful that I have survived the thanksgiving holiday event.

The Barren and I went on a road-trip for a week to visit family. We started what we knew was going to be a challenging week with an over night at my besties. They fortified us with laughter and smiles to carry in our pocket before heading into the eye of the storm. That was a highlight for me. 

The motivation for me was to focus and make sure The Barren got time with his father, even though the reason we were gathering was for my BIL who has stage four cancer and is currently on drug trials and under medical care.

The setting was not ideal, you see, he, his wife and their teenagers (nephews) are also some of the many people who voted for the orange IDIOT and is proud about it. He had stated in the past that he was never offended by the confederate flag, or the nazi symbols. Feels women are here to serve men, and that his god is the only god.

So as you can image I was quite conflicted about my feelings; wanting to be compassionate as they are living in a cancer world but also red hot rage at what they believe and live in. I was fearful and upset about being asked to sit at a table with him and his wife and teenage son. I used to have actual nightmares as a teen about nazis breaking down my door and the idea of sitting at a table with them was A LOT to try and digest. So in my typical lemons to lemonade thinking...I turned love towards my hubby as I knew he wanted to see his father and Aunt, as he fears that this might be one of the last times to visit with them. We made a point to try and spend as much time as possible with them. Hubby was able to play music with him and simply take in all that his father is. 

It was punctuated with some bittersweet reminders, as our MIL is quite a handful of needs and is almost completely overtaken with Autism, ADHD and mental health struggles. She is chronically late and was towing two dogs with her. One of which could barely use its back legs and was often left for hours and hours alone. Making for accidents in the rental house...and heartbreak to witness. It took her three hours to pick a wine from Trader Joes while the rest of us sat waiting for her to arrive to a pre-thanksgiving evening. Finally canceling dinner together.

When we all gathered for the meal, my MIL was already multiple hours late, I was so anxious, I found myself masking like a champ! My current food situations made this food centric "holiday" even more challenging for me. Everyone was asking questions and I wanted to evaporate. At one point I walked up to my SIL and whispered in her ear to "please stop asking about what I can or can't eat, the constant questions make me very anxious about food" She stopped and I was left alone by her for the most part.

I manifested a bit of Shosanna from Inglourious Basterds and hid behind my camera and took photos and did not make eye contact with my BIL. When asked questions directly, I avoided eye contact. 

I was a swirl of emotions and feelings and by the end of the night, I got in the car with my hubby and shut down completely. We left before dawn the next morning, spending the first few hours in silence. Not completely sure how we felt about anything. When I got home I cried and told The Barren that I wasn't brave enough. I should have stood on the table and condemned their racist, sexist actions. I was a fool to my ancestors and was just really disappointed in myself.

I haven't spoken to my SIL or BIL since thanksgiving night and don't expect to hear anything from them unless they want something. Which is how they normally are. 

I have been out of sorts since, but have been actively working on getting back into my stream.

Do you ever feel a whole body shift? Like you need to purge everything you have been doing to start anew? Maybe that is what I am feeling...

Maybe I am about to wrap myself up and become something else.

I got a space at a community garden, I am spending time there, sticking my fingers into the dirt and feeling the wetness on my skin. I am overwhelmed by the number of shifts that have taken place this year. My parents, my health, The Barrens stress, the responsibilities of home and animal companions, trying to make time for time with other people and myself....

I think I need a nap, maybe I am a bear and need to hibernate and awake in the spring hungry and hopeful again.

...deep fear

 I didn't sleep much last night.

When I closed my eyes I had visions of dodging cannon balls and trying to stay afloat in a disney park ride. I tried to self soothe overnight, saying things will look different in the morning...this is all going to be better...my techniques did not work.

I awoke to a literal nightmare...55% of Women and 40% of men nationwide voted for the MOST QUALIFIED candidate historically. My county is far more republican, racist, sexist and stupid than I knew and although everyone I know voted for Kamala, it didn't do anything except break millions of hearts.

I was in tears for hours and then decided to get dressed and leave the house for a few moments and do an adult task in a nearby town. As I was driving home I got an emergency alert on my phone: 

EVACUATION ORDER: YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD IS NOW UNDER AN EVACUATION ORDER DUE TO A FAST MOVING BRUSH FIRE. PLEASE EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY

I was only two miles from home and raced the rest of the way, grabbed a few things, corralled the cats into a bathroom and texted my neighbor asking if she got the same text...she lives 50feet from us and she did not, nor had any other neighbor a few blocks from me, 

I was convinced it was a cruel action on the part of the universe. Hubby came home after hearing my voice rattled and filled with fear, breaking under the constant pressure and stress. He came home and said in a calm voice, take this and lets pack a few things. I took the offered half xanax and have been packing things into my car calmly and the cats are hiding in the same room as me as I write this.

The last evacuation I was awoken from sleep and told to leave now, and we only had the clothes on our backs, our cats and laptops. It was a mess and now the sky has fire colors and thick smoke and the fire bombers are due to arrive in the morning…until then I am getting live updates about its movement as the night passes. I finally ate something only because I knew it was needed for brain activity. I am beyond heartbroken, broken and so so mad. I am not looking forward to the trip to visit family, as the person we are traveling for is a Christian fundamentalist who is celebrating today. And I am struggling to find any empathy/ sympathy or a crumb of kindness towards the family who all feel this was a golden move. The Barren told me to try and think of them as brainwashed…he is not looking forward to it either but I guess in a way to honor Kamala, when they go low we go high, right?!? Well, it isn’t working yet…and I am nowhere near close to okay about anything.

I vote 2024 as the most painful, horrible no good year. 

Always Responsible

 I was sitting quietly in resting pose after a challenging yoga class and started to break apart what was bothering me the most. Like triaging my feelings and trying to make them make sense.

Mind you I have a few dishes spinning in my life and so I understand that feeling overwhelmed is a natural place to be; in fact expected. The Barren mentioned to me the other day that if he didn't know me and the "behind the scenes" reality of me, there is no outward sign that I am struggling.

I am the type of person who will volunteer if no one else steps up, I am the one who will snap into fix it mode for most anyone. It takes great personal restraint to not step into many, if not all situations, sometimes having to have a talk with myself justifying why I need to step back and not forward. 

If I don't do X or Y the world will collapse and it will be my fault. If I pick a place to eat and the service is bad it was my fault. If I don't buy the recycled paper it will be my fault that additional trees are cut down. I didn't triple check on that person, if they had a bad day it was my fault, I could have shifted their day, mood or feelings about themselves.

It made me wonder about not only myself, but why I am like this ? Why am I the one who is responsible for everyone?

Perfect example: this whole nightmare with my father accident and recovery. I knew no one else could/would step up to help my parents, so I did. Without a second thought I abandoned everything, hyper-focused my path for rehabilitation and got to work researching day and night. In all honesty, I was terrified I would not think of everything to repair what was broken and that someone would call me out on it; and claim I was a horrible daughter. 

When family, who was not involved in the day to day would come in with suggestions, I let them know that I had already addressed those things, they had already been accessed. Fearing that I had left a stone unturned, and a soft part vulnerable to being attacked, but I hadn't, I literally thought of everything. I fixed all the squeaky parts.

As of late, one member has a call into the same medical social worker that visited before and deemed everything done and there was nothing left to do. My mother told the family member it was fine to call, they feel as though they are "helping" in a way that makes things better for me. My mother is passive to this person so she goes along with whatever they say.  I told them "I invite you to call whoever you think might help them in a way they would like to be helped" (not sure they picked up on that nuance of words)

When my dear friend was hospitalized and told she needed a new kidney and a heart, I immediately thought, can I donate mine? I mentally volunteered mine, before researching if it was even possible with my chronic illnesses. Turns out I can, but I am at deadly risk of infection and it might not go well for me, the donor and I need to stick around to continue to care for the others. So I sit in that sadness of feeling useless and worry for her.

Most recently, family has visited and "checked" on my parents...concerned that my mother is not sleeping enough, not taking breaks, my father is not following directions, ignoring homework. I sat patiently and listened to them pick apart everything and in response answered each of their questions calmly and completely with detailed information about doctors, parental responses, therapies etc. No one has asked how I was, if I was sleeping, if I was mentally okay. Instead I just kept my head down and kept making lunches and transcribing doctors appointments and making new ones.

As of this last couple weeks, my parents have asked me to stay home. They want to see how they can manage on their own, which I think is great! I have set a schedule for them, held their hands while getting my mother (the driver) acquainted with where everything is, where to park, how to get back home etc...but this transition did not start smoothly and began with "don't come anymore". It was like having the door slammed in my face...I put that aside and respected space and time and choice of words and have stayed "away" except I still get daily calls asking for aide in remembering calls, appointments and hearing my mother sound off and cry over the phone about how frustrated and tired she is of my father and his lack of motivation and desire to "get better"

Then yesterday, after 4 years of protecting ourselves....The Barren went to a Noah Kahan concert with our goddaughter three days ago and didn't wear a mask and he tested positive for Covid. I called and told my brother that I would miss an eye appointment for our father this week. He in turn told our parents that hubby tested positive and when she called she told me to be careful and then proceeded to start crying about my father frustrating her and how she will manage. I had just returned from the store in an effort to feel less panic from this virus and trying to think of everything we might need for the next few days, purchasing 10 at homes tests for us for the week. I have tested negative so far. 

Life seems to feel like a runaway train right now...or whack a mole, I'm going to try and see it like whack a mole, it is a funnier version and people usually smile when welding a mallet.

Tumbled

 

On Feb 25th while showing off his seashell collection to a friend, my father tripped on a brick in the yard and fell, face first, into the concrete patio. He knocked himself unconscious and it took 5-7 minutes to be revived. Rushed to the ER via ambulance, it was determined that he had a brain bleed and was admitted to the ICU with a traumatic brain injury.

He spent 3 days in ICU and then an additional 2.5 weeks in rehabilitation regaining cognition, balance and speech (from brain to body). He was released home on Saturday of last week.

My life has forever been altered and spun out of control

With the exception of two Saturdays (which I stayed home to cook all day) I have been with my mother, as companion, advocate, translator, form filler, appointment maker, therapy coordinator, sounding board, personal chef and coordinator. I am also the main contact for all family to check in and ask for updates and information.

My brother made the 911 call to paramedics, after getting a call from my mother. He maintained calm while trying to revive our father. We work as a team. He has taken on all home alteration tasks, including ripping out and refurbishing their bathroom to make it safer and more accessible, opening walking paths in the yard and adding a rail to the front step, and any home repair that has arisen in the meantime. He is a business owner, so also has maintained his insane work schedule while also trying to be a parent.

We are both still traumatized from our past, when our grandparents lived with us because our grandfather had ALS and then our grandmother developed dementia.

We text each other all day, keeping things wide open in conversation. 

My hubby has held down the fort here, mostly. I have on many a night come home to laundry, meal preparation, and home tasks that were left for me.

I am constantly telling my mother:

People do what they can do. sometimes it is what you hope for, other times it will look very different.

Today I was the villain:

I told my father that he will not be able to renew his drivers license 

I read him his sleep study that showed he had severe sleep apnea, and needs to wear his CPAP with every nap and overnight sleep-time

I was the one who insisted he brush his teeth this morning, and then through my exhausted eyes handed him the wrong tube and he brushed his teeth with anti-itch cream.                                                           (it was remedied, and laughed about, but that doesn't change my mistake)

My father has seriously impaired short term memory now, as well as his balance, and he needs to walk with a walker. He doesn't remember how many times a night he gets up to pee, triggering the bed alarm so he can not go solo. I did an overnight shift on his first night home, staying awake all night to accompany him to the toilet and ideally allowing my mother to sleep, but that proved futile. My mother is a lite sleeper and was involved every time and my father is still confused why he needs the walker or company. He just doesn't remember. It is frustrating when he is angry at the attention, because he doesn't remember the fall or the rehab or the reason he needs a walker or wheelchair. He doesn't remember if he had lunch, or if someone visited him that day. He didn't remember a phone call he made to my brother an hour later.

I am glad to have the flexibility to help, honored in many ways to advocate for them, but I am losing myself in the process of helping and it scares me. 

People do what they can do. sometimes it is what you hope for, other times it will look very different.

I am a zombie.

Bound

 

You have got to be kidding me...

I went for an MRI this morning, the doctor is wanting to knock something else of the horrible list.

I have had MRIs before, more times than I'd like, but all seemingly necessary.

Today though, today I had a problem.

I arrived ahead of time, got in right away...and in a great shift, was not required to drink strange "juices" or volunteer a vein for glowing fluids.

Instead it was a strait "let the magnets take the photos" kind of MRI.

I went in, relaxed and un-phased and was in my double gown situation (one put on forward and one backwards to avoid any peep show) and sat on the MRI bench and was then told that I'd be heading into the machine head first and backwards....I was strapped in, arms bound at my side and elevated and inserted into the machine....one of the techs said..." are you okay" and I said "NO, No I am NOT okay...."

to which I was pulled out of the machine, and had to catch my breath.

I was having a FULL BLOWN PANIC attack

I asked to look back at the machine, so I could "confirm I was not going into a sarcophagus" 

I did a quick scan of what was triggering me and asked....

"Can I release my arms?"...it was allowed and one of the techs asked if maybe a towel over my eyes would help, I agreed to that.

I was very thankful for the kindness and I apologized a million times, to which they said all was fine.

I was asked if it was better, I said yes and back into the machine I went to complete the test.

It was a half hour of booming an clanking noises...breathing exercises and then I was done.

I thanked them again...got dressed and left. 

Shuffled off to my car and cried.

I was mortified, embarrassed and suddenly understood why horses are given blinders.

The less I could see, the safer I felt.

Counter intuitive to my years of meditation, I needed to massively disassociate.

Ostrich myself to not feel bound and threatened.

I had my second infusion this week, I had a breakthrough pain episode this week, I had a massive deadline this week and then this MRI.

Maybe I really needed to just hide, maybe all of this is overwhelming...

maybe I do need to escape.

My 20th wedding anniversary is Tuesday

We have a night at a local boutique hotel booked, but we are both at a loss.

We can't travel right now, we can't break away just yet, it is all in the air.

BUT, we are gonna have time together and in a different bed.

It is also the anniversary of our first miscarriage and a death anniversary of a beloved pet.

We were social yesterday, going to a family event to carve pumpkins, and then follow it with a Halloween adults only party...but everyone was talking about their kids and how it is having teenagers or younger kiddos.

The Barren and I just exchanged looks most of the time and 

nodded and said "oh my, yeah that sounds difficult"

These days have me mentally bound too.

I reminisce on the days that we had hoped for, the times that were supposed to happen.

Our G-daughter is the age of our star child, she is a physical reminder of passing time.

I adore this time of year, the wind down with joyful punctuations of celebration. 

Building our memory space for Dia De Los Muertos today, I placed a doll amongst the photos of family long gone. Marigolds line the edge of the space, a figurine of a black dog to guide the spirits, candles to light the way. Joyful calaveras to help with the celebration. I made a space to remember our beloved animal companions who are no longer with us.

After everything is in place...

Something magical happens in the quiet of the house, after we put out drinks and food for the spirits...the house feels full, a place of calm and filled with love.

There is no sadness, our minds fill with happy memories of those visiting.

Maybe I'll hide (stick my head in the clouds) for a few days with my sweetie, forget all that is required of me, forget all the doctors appointments, the state of the world, the general malaise and 

simply float in those unbound moments of what if.

Wishing you all an unbound hallows eve

celebrate your personal magic

because you ARE magical

Myopic

 

I made the mistake of leaving this at the thrift store.

I thrift. I have been a thrift store shopper since High School. 

One of my recent goals is to not buy new clothes, but to thrift as much as I can. 

Fast Fashion/ Clothing is a large polluter so this seemed like an easy life shift.

I thrift shop for The Barren too, as he is in between sizes now and it is cheaper than buying new clothes.

He is cool enough about it.

I was going through the racks and came on this, I even stopped and took a photo of it, 

then put it back on the rack and continued my myopic search of particular sizes...

When I got home I did a quick search and then put my palm to head and just about cried.

this $8 shirt can get up to $200 on the used market!

I am finding that my sights are set to a myopic level as of late.

I am having a hard time seeing past the present, and although my meditation teacher would be glad to hear that, it is not really a good way to view a career or a way to set long term goals.

I am trying to set goals again, as I tend to respond well to them.

I have been rejected from EVERYTHING I have applied to this year...

the streak remains, and the most recent rejection hit hard...harder than I thought it would.

I have enrolled in remote classes to learn new techniques/processes 

and take free courses when and where I can.

I have signed up for free courses offered to artists to refine and update skills.

 My last two pursuits turned out to be much like a timeshare talk...

I lost a couple hours of time and was fed a sales pitch with pressure to buy into a program.

I was more disappointed in myself for not seeing it sooner:

The first was to "teach" you how to successfully apply to residencies. Artists residencies are spaces offered to make work uninterrupted, all require detailed applications and essays. 

The course was supposed to help you refine your documents and increase your chances of acceptance. 

The presenter, spoke slowly for an hour plus on how great all her residences were and what kind of perks, amenities and processes were involved. Some she paid large sums of money to attend and others were juried and she paid less for. 

The people attending were all rejected for all of the ones they had applied to and the lecturers words of advice was: keep applying, keep paying the application fees, and increase the number you are applying to.

I was beyond frustrated and I don't think I was the only one who felt cheated of the time.

The "low cost" ones recommended were a minimum of 3K at reduced rates, plus travel and art supply costs. 

Frustrated, I finally asked:

" being an artist with an inconsistent income, what advice do you have to applying as often as you are recommending?"

The response was: "don't apply to as many"

SIGH

My second attempt was an one hour talk about how to land more shows.

 An artist coach was leading the conversation. Pre-prepared lecture notes were sent ahead of the talk; and once logged in, I was greeted with a pre-recorded talk that ended up being a sales pitch

(see the actual screen shots above)

SIGH

I have had some success, as I took a couple photo classes via zoom and have had fun with the new techniques...but boy oh boy...the admin stuff have been total flops!

It has left me feeling quite defeated and sorry for myself.

Here I am trying to pull myself up from my bootstraps and I just feel fed to the lions of consumerism.

Mind you, I am trying to play in the deep end of the pool, and I am trying to update skills so that I am more consumable...

I was also supposed to be in an academic book about infertility, two of my artworks were selected, this has been in the works for over a year...and the authors are in the home stretch...and sent out forms from the publisher for all the contributors to sign. I read them over, and then had The Barren read them, and then a friend read them because....in them the publisher wanted all rights to the work for all eternity!

So I had to send a letter saying I needed to be removed from the upcoming publication, as I was not ready to hand over all my rights.

(it felt really horrible, especially after Roe v Wade)

My bestie was in town for a couple days, and it was nice to have tea with her before she returned home. We talked about everything including our aging parents. I told her how I feel pushed away by mine. My daily calls are now twice a week and they only talk about my brother when I call. I offer time and cooking and I am turned down. I told her how I've changed my tone, theme, and frequency of conversations...all in an effort to connect more, but nothing seems to work. So I am confused and hurt.

She understood and we both know that the moment anything goes amuck, we both just jump into gear to fix things...zero hesitation. In the meantime, her mother eats food that is mis-delivered to her home, and my parents have long talks with phone solicitors and send group texts of puppy photos.

So this little engine is feeling pretty low, and lost and sad.

But I am trying to see past that...ideally my myopic vision will turn into something else soon.

Until then, I'll just keep my eyes on the railroad line.

Feeling, nothing more than feelings

 I have been feeling a lot.

There is so much going on in the world and around where I live and with the people I have in my life...

I am overwhelmed and have shifted to staring into the ether a lot these days.

We attended the "bans off our bodies" rally locally, I was proud that The Barren had ZERO hesitation about going, knew what he wanted his sign to say and was next to me the whole time while I was overstimulated by simply being outside in public.

There were about 600ish people there and we marched through the downtown corridor.

It seemed like the right thing to do, sitting at home was not what I wanted to reflect on when I thought of how I lived my life.

Ironically, one of The Barren and my first dates was a pro-choice rally nearly 30years ago!! 

I wanted to photograph the protestors and he said, I'll go with you. Then in the middle of it all, he walked up and tried to reason with one of the sign holders screaming how it was murdering babies.

I have a photo of that too

It feels like a Goliath task to try and change things...

every vote seems wrong, every law seems aligned to attack people.

I am scared, like seriously concerned that things have slid and now I am chasing the car as it drives out of sight  down the road. 

****

Our neighborhood is under the influence of a Chevron effort to secure more drilling and potentially pollute our water and Edison (power company) is set to put a new compressor station not even two miles away and put us into harms way from leaks and damaging noise.

Then there is the war against Ukraine and hunger and a million dead from Covid-19.

My parents seem to be rapidly aging before my eyes and my mother in law went out for a drink last week and when she got up in the middle of the night to get a drink passed out and split her head open and fractured a bone in her back....but she didn't tell us until she was home from the hospital.

*

EVERYTHING I have submitted this year I have been rejected from, which has really made me reassess my life and also our eldest niece has graduated high school and I feel a million years old.

My darling husband is so stressed he is considering quitting his job on a daily and I have learned to not react to that...as talking about it or working through alternatives seems to amplify things and makes him even more upset...and it doesn't help the situation for him. 

(I have mentioned again him getting some professional help to manage stress)

SOoooooooo 

I am having lots of feelings with no place to take them

We got boosted again (second boost) and I have been trying to go to the least congested yoga classes in studio with a KN95 mask on...I am the woman in the mask in the back of the room!!

I thought that maybe my mood would be boosted if I did some social yoga instead of impressing the cats with my bedroom yoga.

We are still out on the results on that one.

*

I also got The Barren to help me shift the garage around and cull many things we are feeling weighed down by...so the thrift store picked up a heavy load.

I gave my darkroom enlarger and assorted trinkets to a local guy who was setting up his first darkroom, my meditation teacher helped arrange that match. It was bittersweet when he drove away...I only cried a little. It seemed like a perfect example of time passing and aging.

I decided to focus on what I could do, and 

I signed up for some alternative process classes, using less toxic elements and I am looking forward to learning new things.

I am feeling time more these days than normal...I feel myself becoming another person. I am not sure who she is yet, but she is learning to navigate a lot of life on her own, weighing situations out. 

On the outside that mostly mostly looks like, watching and listening more....

I feel more like an adult, I never wanted to feel like a grownup, and suddenly here I am feeling just that.

Here is a photo of me doing what I love best. My friend produced this image.

We have not been able to visit as often as gasoline prices are between 6.50-7.00 dollars a gallon now and it has factored into my budget now.

I am looking forward to some good changes...there has got to be some good changes around the corner... right?!?

Sigh

In-laws and outlaws

Tuesday of last week, marked two weeks since my second vaccine dose and meant I was fully vaccinated.

Over a month ago, I made an appointment for my first haircut since August 2019...I am not normally a hair person, but my hair was making me feel older and it was chaotic, something I normally embrace, but a haircut made me feel a little pretty and I was ready to honor that need. I tipped my hairstylist 100% because he is awesome and I wanted to celebrate him and his new downsized business. I have gotten my hair cut by him for 20+ years!

I then went to the dentist, and it ended up being far less stressful than I thought it was going to be...apparently all dentists are booked solid, so I was glad I made that appointment too.

And because I was now fully covered, we made a spur of the moment choice and visited The Barren's father, as he is immune compromised we both needed to be covered. This meant a road-trip and a day long drive. It was great to see him and hug him and spend even a little bit of time with him.

He is married to a woman who has very very high levels of need. She controls most situations by delays, she has a hard time transitioning from one task to another and is chronically late. Now my father in law is all engulfed by it as well and so they get lost from time lines for weeks. The Barren texted his father asking if they would be home this past weekend and he said yes, and then we booked a hotel and told him we were coming to visit, after hearing it, FIL changed days that he would be available (they are getting their floors done) and we added another day to the hotel and said great see you then. The Barren told his father he wanted to visit a music shop with him and that they would only be open a few hours after we arrived so we would pick him up to make the timeline...When we arrived it was a fairly swift transition, as his wife was staying behind to walk the dog.

We ordered food before returning home with pizza for us four and on arriving, his wife spent another hour+ doing who knows what and delaying dinner (she did put the pizza into the oven while she did something else while we all waited) the oven turned our pizzas into crackers. DH and I sat waiting at folding tray tables waiting for her to begin dinner....

The following day we went over after breakfast so The Barren and his father could play music for a bit which is all The Barren wanted to do to connect with his father. 💓(his dad doesn't call often and is even harder to get a call back from these days) While the guys played music I sat listening to his wife talk about things, and try to not take any bait:

What do you think about what is happening in Israel? What about this other political situation, I mean how can they eat cows...why would you not want to get the vaccine, I don't think your reactions were what you think, I hear people are waiting longer to have kids...

At that the Barren chimed in and said, "yeah we are still waiting"

Then she suggested we go to a music festival at a local winery, we jumped at the opportunity to go and we all gathered our things to go, then we waited...she took another hour to get ready to head out the door. I had squirreled some snacks in our car, thankfully. They get so wrapped up in tasks she doesn't really eat regularly and I am a woman who likes to snack all day long! So I was hungry...they brought their dog too, who is a rescue that has serious anxiety issues and can not be left alone. So she was panic panting the whole time and it was really hard to witness, I also was having a hard time being around sooooooooo many people kind of wearing masks. 

This is when I began to get " sparkles" my optical migraine trigger and whispered to The Barren about it, but my MIL heard and stopped taking photos of children dancing to ask if I wanted an aspirin (which was nice) I tried really hard to down play it, but it was the perfect out of a stressful, situation and so we scapegoated me and left early. As we said goodbye to my FIL,I got a photo of DH and FIL and it was lovely and bittersweet. 

The Barren drove us into town while I fought a freight train of a migraine and a panic attack. We got dinner, as we were famished and I did some conscience breathing exercises while I waited for the migraine drugs to kick in. MIL texted and we pretended that we were already back at the hotel and I was sleeping, when were were actually secretly eating and then going to the hotel to sleep. MIL offered to bring us leftover cracker pizza and we thanked her for the beautiful gesture but we were fine.

The next morning we left for another full day of driving back homeward.

Sigh

On the way home we made an effort to stop and see things we never had, after all, this was the closest to a vaca we'd taken in multiple years! It was another exhausting day and when we rolled into a town only a couple hours from home, we booked a pricey room at the hotel my art is in...TOTAL splurge!

It was super cool to see it in person after all this time.

The hotel was delayed in opening, and when it had a soft opening in Dec 2019 I wasn't able to make it, then 2020 closed the hotel and then opened it and then closed it and now it is open again. So we went to see the work finally installed.

When we checked in, I gleefully told the reception person that I was the artist that made the lobby's artwork...they looked up and said "oh" and then looked back at the computer.

Trying to not let them dull my sparkle, I asked if people ask about the art on the walls, the reception person said " not really" their apathy was enough and I walked back over to the art and quietly had my own party in my head.

We drove home the next morning, after I had taken as many photos as I could think of taking.

It was a 2021 kind of vaca-we walked into our door, dropped our dirty laundry into the basket, I walked into the kitchen and began making dinner. It was gone...all of it was done and we were back to Homeostasis.

Since returning, I have gone to see our "girl" and her babies, attended my online art lecture and today after consulting a physician friend, I went to the final class of a favorite teacher, and returned to my first in studio hot yoga class since March 2020. (strangely emotional)

I wore my mask the whole time, the only one doing that. I got a spot closest to the door, right next to one of the three air scrubbers that run during the class and got a sweat on and left afterwards. Passing a studio full of unmasked people. Vaccination proof is honor system, so I took extra actions.

Things are trying to get back to what they were, but it will never be the same again. And it seems that as hard as people try, it seems more and more offset.

Hot Flash or Fever

I turned 51 on the 25th. I had another Covid birthday...it was quiet and I was glad my parents were healthy and fully vaccinated. I got my first hug from my parents in over a year...it was emotional, I got a drawing from my youngest niece. It is a drawing of me and The Barren looking at each other and when you place the two drawings side by side (like a friendship necklace) it forms one heart. 

I framed it when I got home. I have made my birthday cakes since going vegan because (I am protecting people) I didn't want to impose on others to make a special ingredient cake for me. 

The gathering was outside in the backyard and my mother made me a 14pound "cake" made out of watermelon and other fruit because she wanted me to be able to eat the whole thing. 

It made my heart explode...

And try as I might, I couldn't eat all the watermelon in time and ended up juicing it.

I dressed for the day again...blue polka dot peter pan collared dress

White basketball shoes and hairy legs. 

Last Tuesday, I got my second Dolly dose and waited until getting home to cry. I was overwhelmed, I was emotional, I was so thankful. I had seen a photograph earlier that week of a woman in India, visibly scared with an oxygen mask on her face while other women surrounded her and gazed at that mask. 

I looked at that image for a long long time. I felt their fear and their exhaustion...

I was lucky enough to get the vaccine, I was healthy...I was not going to die from this disease.

There are still STUPID people berating others for believing science, and their vaccine dose waits...

meanwhile others die from never having the opportunity.

It is a lot to digest...

Later that night, I started to play: " hot flash or fever"

My 30+hour fever started the night of the injection and by the morning, I felt every side effect from the paperwork list. Plus I got a "covid arm" from the vaccine. 

I thought everyone got a red swollen bump from shots...apparently not

I am at day 7 now, and it is almost not visible.

***

Then we roll into Mothers Day here in the US.

We have been on a waitlist with the recue group we adopted our cats from since November 2020

(right after we said goodbye to Xander)

After my second dose, we were invited to see 50 available kittens!

We went and spent 3hours meeting all of them... and hearing stories of how each of the in house mama cats had given birth there and the complications that some had encountered.

The kittens were all perfect and beautiful, the mama cats were enchanting and sweet and social.

The Barren kept going back to one enclosure and sitting with a teenage kitty.

I was sitting in the enclosure next to him and witnessed him falling in love.

The kitty walked into his lap, and fell asleep.

She looked at him the way our Theo used to look at him, 

it was so beautiful to see love transcend time and galaxies...it was his cat!!

I began to weep...it was such a powerful thing to witness!

When I entered the enclosure, I sat and she watched me. I leaned forward and asked her if she wanted to live with us....she walked over to me and got into my lap. 

She had selected her people.

We were offered the opportunity to foster her and have her give birth in our home!

We both went pale and said we were not emotionally stable enough if something was to happen.

After all she had just told us stories about the complications some of the mama cats had.

Our girl is YOUNG and SMALL and that scares us.

But of course, my IF talk came back into play and I began second guessing our choices...

Should we have her here now

Should be just "buckle up and grow some nerves"

should we...

what if we...

So for the record...

****

We didn't find a kitten, or even two...

we are adopting a pregnant teenage cat,

and when she gives birth, we will adopt one or more of her babies too...

The irony of the situation was not lost on me.

We left after telling the Rescue leader and I have signed up for volunteer hours 

(so I can visit her as she progresses to birth)

We are in our early 50's, 

we are adopting a teenager who is pregnant 

and will raise one or more of her babies too.

We are about three months away from having a kitty in our home again.

I am anxiously trying to get everything ready for them

Nesting?!

SERIOUSLY!!

When we got home Saturday night, I felt numb.

I half filled a tub and sat in it and began to wail...

Deep heaving crying...missing my kitty cats...wanting a connection like The Barren had gotten.

Fearful that it was all falling away from me.

I was like a woman possessed, I was wailing and talking to myself in whispers.

The Barren came in to find my in quite a bathtubbed state.

Crying, wailing, laughing whispering...like two people were having active conversations in my tub...

I sipped some water and The Barren sat to soothe me back into one mindbody.

I think that was all leftover from my sorrow...

I was so thankful that The Barren knew how to let it happen, and gave me space and no judgement.

I was mourning, and he recognized it.

Even in that moment-it was a reminder that my sorrow is deep, it travels across time, manifests in numbness, smiles and laughter. As I stepped out of the tub, intoxicated from the emotional ride I had just taken...I have learned to respect the space it needs from me, but not let it take over.