Feeling, nothing more than feelings

 I have been feeling a lot.

There is so much going on in the world and around where I live and with the people I have in my life...

I am overwhelmed and have shifted to staring into the ether a lot these days.

We attended the "bans off our bodies" rally locally, I was proud that The Barren had ZERO hesitation about going, knew what he wanted his sign to say and was next to me the whole time while I was overstimulated by simply being outside in public.

There were about 600ish people there and we marched through the downtown corridor.

It seemed like the right thing to do, sitting at home was not what I wanted to reflect on when I thought of how I lived my life.

Ironically, one of The Barren and my first dates was a pro-choice rally nearly 30years ago!! 

I wanted to photograph the protestors and he said, I'll go with you. Then in the middle of it all, he walked up and tried to reason with one of the sign holders screaming how it was murdering babies.

I have a photo of that too

It feels like a Goliath task to try and change things...

every vote seems wrong, every law seems aligned to attack people.

I am scared, like seriously concerned that things have slid and now I am chasing the car as it drives out of sight  down the road. 

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Our neighborhood is under the influence of a Chevron effort to secure more drilling and potentially pollute our water and Edison (power company) is set to put a new compressor station not even two miles away and put us into harms way from leaks and damaging noise.

Then there is the war against Ukraine and hunger and a million dead from Covid-19.

My parents seem to be rapidly aging before my eyes and my mother in law went out for a drink last week and when she got up in the middle of the night to get a drink passed out and split her head open and fractured a bone in her back....but she didn't tell us until she was home from the hospital.

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EVERYTHING I have submitted this year I have been rejected from, which has really made me reassess my life and also our eldest niece has graduated high school and I feel a million years old.

My darling husband is so stressed he is considering quitting his job on a daily and I have learned to not react to that...as talking about it or working through alternatives seems to amplify things and makes him even more upset...and it doesn't help the situation for him. 

(I have mentioned again him getting some professional help to manage stress)

SOoooooooo 

I am having lots of feelings with no place to take them

We got boosted again (second boost) and I have been trying to go to the least congested yoga classes in studio with a KN95 mask on...I am the woman in the mask in the back of the room!!

I thought that maybe my mood would be boosted if I did some social yoga instead of impressing the cats with my bedroom yoga.

We are still out on the results on that one.

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I also got The Barren to help me shift the garage around and cull many things we are feeling weighed down by...so the thrift store picked up a heavy load.

I gave my darkroom enlarger and assorted trinkets to a local guy who was setting up his first darkroom, my meditation teacher helped arrange that match. It was bittersweet when he drove away...I only cried a little. It seemed like a perfect example of time passing and aging.

I decided to focus on what I could do, and 

I signed up for some alternative process classes, using less toxic elements and I am looking forward to learning new things.

I am feeling time more these days than normal...I feel myself becoming another person. I am not sure who she is yet, but she is learning to navigate a lot of life on her own, weighing situations out. 

On the outside that mostly mostly looks like, watching and listening more....

I feel more like an adult, I never wanted to feel like a grownup, and suddenly here I am feeling just that.

Here is a photo of me doing what I love best. My friend produced this image.

We have not been able to visit as often as gasoline prices are between 6.50-7.00 dollars a gallon now and it has factored into my budget now.

I am looking forward to some good changes...there has got to be some good changes around the corner... right?!?

Sigh

This new year

 It has been a little bit since I've checked in here, 

Well, I check every couple of days and read your blogs, 

but it has been a little bit since I have sat down to write something.

So hello and happy new year

I never got our holiday cards made, and I even missed the chance to make them New Year cards, and now they can not be Valentine cards...so I need to let that rope loose.

I was sitting in my bathroom, after sneezing repeatedly from my nasal swipe home test, looking at this tiny piece of plastic....wondering what will the answer be?!

Anyone else been triggered by this act of home testing?

I was surprised at how quickly this became a flashback to days of yore.

I sat there for 15 minutes waiting, wondering and hoping for a negative so I could visit a friend who had tested that same morning and was also negative.

This is the new weekly normal it seems,

We test ourselves before visiting and then can hug and laugh and share a picnic.

I have been struggling to find a new normal for myself. 

A new studio practice, a new routine, a new self. It has come to my attention, that home chores are now a predominate part of my week. I sit in my workspace daily: often distracted/interrupted with making meals, doing laundry, being a cat entertainer and my anxiety from not making new artwork.

So I have taken to visiting with a friend weekly. I take my camera and shoot film and laugh and try and find a new moment of clarity and less guilt.

The Barren is home during this time, working and stressing and I am off playing with a friend.

It has me feeling conflicted, but The Barren assures me that he wants me to find this time to be creative.

I come home from these visits and either bring home food or immediately hit the ground running to make a meal when I walk in the door, as I am wanting to counterbalance these feelings...

I don't like that I feel this way...

I don't make much money anymore and The Barren is carrying the load. Once again he assures me that he wants me to have space and time to make art, as he feels that is my true calling.

I adore him more than words can describe for this vote of confidence.

I sold almost nothing last year (I just did our taxes) I made $148 from the sale of 3 packs of cards and two prints. So I am clearly not the next breadwinner in this house.

So in exchange I do all the housework, food shopping, laundry, dishes, cooking and dishes.

While still trying to make art, and check into my remote job (it is pretty quiet this time of year)

so that is what I have been doing.

The Barren turns 50 next week, he is feeling low and super stressed. (compounding my guilt)

I booked us an overnight at a hotel in a town about two hours from here. It is supposed to have ocean views and a balcony to watch said ocean.

An overnight means the cats can be left alone without needing a check-in from a third person.

I also sent an email out to everyone I could think of to send birthday wishes so I could put them into one book for him and he could see how special he is to so many people.

They are trickling in slowly, and that has raised my anxiety a little...but I am trying to let it swing in the wind. He will have wishes from a few for sure and I have a crafting project to make.

His best buddy has three concerts for them to attend in the next week. The Barren has been pretty isolated and hunkered down here at home in preparation (really it is social anxiety, and Covid fears)

for the last month! So that has added to his feelings I am sure...

But tomorrow he starts to break free and attend events outside the house.

We have a stack of home tests, and are crazy careful and cautious about masking around people.

So far, it has served us well, as neither of us has gotten the virus.

WHICH IS THE GOAL STILL

On another front:

I reached a milestone, well a touchstone? or a life marker?

I have not had a period in over a year now! 

I am in a whole new land.

I had a follow-up ultrasound to make sure that the polyp, that the GYN gave me while trying to take an endocervical pap was gone, and thankfully it was. All seemed calm on the cervical/uterine front ⭐

So here I am, avoiding going back to the gyn to try again for that same pap.

This new year has been trying and my gosh we are only just finishing up the second month.

I am feeling lonely, but as mentioned I continue to make real efforts to find a social feature outside my home once a week...and I am still doing online art discussion class, and yoga practice (at home) and meditation group (4 people in a HUGE multipurpose room with masks) but the overall feeling is still very isolated and alone. Like a thirst that is unable to be quenched.

Is anyone else feeling this too?

Okay, I am babbling again.

Happy newish year...I'll be back sooner to reflect on some thing or another.