There and back again

 "Sorry for the delay, I have been overwhelmed with caregiving tasks"

This is what I wrote in response to a text from my mother in law. I feel this way a lot now. I am overtaxed, overwhelmed, over run with emotions and haggard.

April marked my 56th birthday.
I spent the month peppering treats for myself in between doctors’ appointments, work responsibilities, managing my immune system and everyday tasks.  I knew The Barren was overworked and wouldn't have the brain capacity to plan anything. I got my bi-annual haircut, a new to me dress, a new vibrator, a new to me vintage point and shoot camera and some plants for my garden. I got The Barren a fancy new showerhead (I give gifts for my birthday) made my brother a couple quiches and treated a friend to an ice cream.
When the actual date rolled around, The Barren and I celebrated my birthday together, which I loved. He had no ideas, because all he can think about is work and so I sat for a moment and thought of trees...and told him I wanted to go forest bathing. It is a bit complex orchestrating it out, as one of the cats had just been put on daily meds, my diet makes traveling a whole thing and our cat sitter was at Stagecoach, and our backup sitter was moving that same weekend for fumigation...BUT we were able to spend two nights away!!
I had spent the week before making birthday cakes, cupcakes and sweets...every cake I made had a shelf life of four hours before becoming dry or dense or chewy?! I make my birthday cake every year since my diet had so many restrictions added...this year was no different. In staying with tradition, we took cupcakes to my parents the night before so I could be with the people who made me. This year was... it was surreal. We arrived, my parents handed me bills (my brother and I handle their payments now) and asked questions about medical appointments and then they walked to the table, sang happy birthday, took a photo and we ate the cupcakes in silence. Packed up the tray and we were back in our car an hour later. It felt very different...disconnected and not really celebratory.
I made note of that in my mind, and it broke my heart a bit more.
The next day was my actual birthday, my other ritual is to take a sunrise yoga class to start the day. I did and much to my surprise, my yoga teacher had placed a sweet gift at the top of my mat while I was sitting with eyes closed before class. When I opened my eyes and discovered it I spent the rest of the class hiding my tears. I was SO overwhelmed by the gesture I just let the tears fall. I was in a dark class so it was easy to hide. I kept thinking of a meditation that was what does kindness look like to you?
I drove home and we spent the day driving to the city outside the National Park. I took photos along the way. Part of this first adventure was that we had recently traded in our older BMW for a used electric car, so this was the maiden road-trip voyage and it required a new learning curve. It is not a tesla so chargers are different and less obvious.
As we drove further away, I was getting texts and calls with birthday wishes and songs. It delighted me. We found a place to get some food that I could make work and we ate in the hotel room in our PJs watching television. When 8:30 pm came around, I called to check in on the parents...they had gone to bed...and when I said we had arrived at the hotel and that I had gotten the loveliest calls all day...it was then that my mother said. What is the date, did we forget to call you?
My parents had forgotten to call me.
The following day was a new page and we drove to the trees...MUCH to our surprise it had SNOWED overnight making the park right out of a fairytale! 
I live on the west coast, so this is beyond magic and I was laughing and crying and making strange primal noises when I couldn't form words.
I was in such a deep state of glee I was crying the whole time, everything was SO beautiful and quiet and calm and perfect. I kept turning to The Barren and saying “this is the BEST birthday ever!"
We walked a little in the snow, and saw deer and squirrels and I took lots of photographs. I smelled tree bark, and listened to the crunch/squeaking sound of snow beneath my tennis shoes, got hit in the head with a snowball that fell from a tree and filled my eyes and heart with the forest and gratitude.
As we drove to the next charging station we made promises to each other to return again soon and as often as we could. It was the balm that soothed both our hearts and brains. It was like we had traveled through a portal to another world, because as soon as we left the park, reality returned and our hearts were heavy again. Responsibilities were waiting on voicemails and we drove home quietly trying to ignore them for as long as possible.

Birthday day

 

I made myself a cake and took it to my parents place the night before my birthday.

The four of us shared slices and I left most of it with them, so they could continue to enjoy it for the next couple days. It was a nice quiet time, but it highlighted my parents changes in cognition and socialization. I focused on being present as best I could, but when we left I was clearly overwhelmed and overstimulated from the visit. The following day The Barren and I went to a museum and ate some ramen...then we came home. He is still fighting a cold and was tired, so I made myself birthday tacos, got in my PJs and watched Indian Matchmaker on Netflix while he played video games.

I think it has become clear that birthdays are not going to be big deals anymore. For The Barrens birthday I planned a whole week of things he loved...we went on an overnight and to his favorite breweries and places. For my birthday, it felt like he kinda got overwhelmed with work and chose to not do anything. So that was that.

Part of me wants to let it ride, another part of me felt disappointed.

If I am going to be honest, and it is my blog, so I can say that.

I felt kind of forgotten, and it didn't feel celebratory.

Lesson: no one is going to celebrate your birthday like you celebrate other people

The art exhibition ended the day before my birthday and was a personal success in many ways, there were a lot of bumps with it as well, and I learned a lot about the experimental process along the way. Four of the six pieces exhibited sold and that is a big personal record for me.

That exhibition has folded over into the next opportunity that I am currently working on...and stressing about.

I am not sleeping well, and I need cannabis gummies most nights to help me stay asleep, but I am eating clean, and exercising and taking my vitamins. I am being a responsible adult, and that seems to be taking more and more effort.

The number on the cake is not phasing me, at least not yet...

so that is a plus 😀

I made a list of things I wanted to do for my bday:

Take annual nude selfie ✔

buy myself flowers ✔

make a yummy cake ✔**

enjoy a cuppa tea and a sweet ✔

paint nails

shoot some film ✔

wear something that makes me feel good about myself ✔

laugh ✔

I have also decided to break form this year and attend a baby shower. I have not gone to any in a looooooooooonnnng time, but a darling woman who I used to nanny for is expecting and has invited me to attend, and I without much thought, said yes. I was shocked at how easy it was to plan to go. I guess I am growing in many ways.

So here is to 53, a total shock, a real leap of growth, a change from the norm...

it was my birthday Tuesday and I survived. 

**cake recipe**

52 like a deck of cards

 

How my birthday weekend started.

I thought I had simply overate, but my stomach thought differently and proceeded to make the next 24hours living hell for me. It was when I started to vomit blood that The Barren started panicking.

(it was not a lot of blood according to the doctor, so the level of terror The Barren displayed was misdirected and I was not bleeding out)

He started screaming that we needed to go to the ER, I meanwhile was hunched over a toilet discarding whatever was below my toenails was unable to stand. 
YET I was still convinced I didn't need the ER, anything but a DOCTOR or an emergency room or any medical person for that matter... but we got to the ER and as soon as I walked into the door, I felt fine.

The Barren was shocked, I in turn was not. I was terrified of what lay before me and I think went into total trauma mode. We got in quick and of course the nurses were amazing, the doctor was confused why I was asking so many questions and asked if I was in the medical field...and I told him that I was familiar with pain, and emergency rooms and I was someone with stage 4 endo.

He offered pain meds and I refused. Then I sat there for a moment with the nurse and said, I should give my body the option to be comfortable, and not just sit with discomfort.*

* I later reflected on this concept of being uncomfortable and sitting with it and dismissing aides to medically make things better. I felt like my mother taught me to "buck up" and manage it alone, in solitude and you'll get past it, eventually. I am glad I recognized this while in the ER and able to make those elements dissipate.

So I got some light drug to mostly numb my stomach and all my blood tests were good so it was diagnosed as acute gastritis.

No spicy, oily food. No alcohol or caffeine.

Happy birthday!

I am on stomach drugs for two weeks and a bland diet.

The next day I was back to normal actives and when my birthday rolled around a couple days later I was my normal emotional self. I made myself some birthday cupcakes, and headed to the family home. I had loaded up my camera and I shot photos of my immediate family.

It was a relaxing quiet time, simple food and I had a bite of birthday cupcake.

okay, I ate a whole cupcake

Vanilla cake, lemon curd filling and topping.

The Barren had taken time off work so we could celebrate my birthday together....

but he neglected to make any plans, so after he berated himself for being bad at birthdays...I told him that we could freeform the days off.

I also had another epiphany:

When you are younger, you have elaborate birthday parties with friends and big Ta-dos, and as you age those sorts of moments become harder and harder. All we are trying to do is capture that same level of joy from childhood...recently when I thought about my birthday I cry. I realized that for me, it highlights my loneliness and lack of social circle. So birthdays have to become something else for me.

So I found a botanical garden, and took my cameras and photos and walked near trees and forgot all about my sadness, and about being lonely. I forgot about the ER and the pain, I just was away from it all with The Barren.

When the days off had past, I got a text from my bestie that she was coming into town for a hot 36hrs to pick up a HUGE plant from her mother and then was going back home. Then asked if I had an hour or so to hang out...I of course said yes and with The Barren in tow we met for a meal and a chat and it ended up being longer than an hour and it was like my birthday extended for another day. We took photos and she jumped back into her car and drove home 6+ hours away.

When I was with bestie, she mentioned that 52 was like a deck of cards....

I thought about that, mostly that I hadn't thought about a deck of cards being 52, but then how that relates to me. 52 options, some similar to others but each unique. 

I guess the theme of my newest circle around the sun is reframing.

I am reframing how I relate to myself, the world around me and others in my life. I mean what birthday would be complete without a little existential meandering, right?!

Which card will I pull for this week?

52 cards, 52 weeks in a year...

The Barren's birthday

 After weeks of planning, The Barren's birthday arrived and we drove to a town about two hours away. We stopped in the downtown area, ate some diner food (that later gave us both indigestion, because we are 50 years old) and then checked into a hotel that overlooked the sea.

Like was 20feet from the ocean

After taking three deep lung filling breaths of the ocean air The Barren turned around and fell onto the bed and took a multiple hour nap. 

I sat next to him, listening to the ocean and his snores.

After some time had past and I my level of boredom had peaked, I woke him up we walked to see the sunset on the private beach footsteps from our room...The Barren gathered stones for a hopeful future inlay project and I took photos. We then returned to the room to sleep some more.

We woke up in time to watch the sunrise from our private patio, listen to the sea birds awake from their nights slumber and begin search for food.

It was quiet, it was peaceful and it was prefect.

Here is a photo of me, in a tee, a sweatshirt and a thin puffer jacket 

(because that is how you dress when it is cold here on the west coast)

on our sunset walk before falling back to sleep.

It was a moment in time where nothing was wrong, 

we were adulting like real adults 

and the world was quiet so The Barren could turn 50.

This new year

 It has been a little bit since I've checked in here, 

Well, I check every couple of days and read your blogs, 

but it has been a little bit since I have sat down to write something.

So hello and happy new year

I never got our holiday cards made, and I even missed the chance to make them New Year cards, and now they can not be Valentine cards...so I need to let that rope loose.

I was sitting in my bathroom, after sneezing repeatedly from my nasal swipe home test, looking at this tiny piece of plastic....wondering what will the answer be?!

Anyone else been triggered by this act of home testing?

I was surprised at how quickly this became a flashback to days of yore.

I sat there for 15 minutes waiting, wondering and hoping for a negative so I could visit a friend who had tested that same morning and was also negative.

This is the new weekly normal it seems,

We test ourselves before visiting and then can hug and laugh and share a picnic.

I have been struggling to find a new normal for myself. 

A new studio practice, a new routine, a new self. It has come to my attention, that home chores are now a predominate part of my week. I sit in my workspace daily: often distracted/interrupted with making meals, doing laundry, being a cat entertainer and my anxiety from not making new artwork.

So I have taken to visiting with a friend weekly. I take my camera and shoot film and laugh and try and find a new moment of clarity and less guilt.

The Barren is home during this time, working and stressing and I am off playing with a friend.

It has me feeling conflicted, but The Barren assures me that he wants me to find this time to be creative.

I come home from these visits and either bring home food or immediately hit the ground running to make a meal when I walk in the door, as I am wanting to counterbalance these feelings...

I don't like that I feel this way...

I don't make much money anymore and The Barren is carrying the load. Once again he assures me that he wants me to have space and time to make art, as he feels that is my true calling.

I adore him more than words can describe for this vote of confidence.

I sold almost nothing last year (I just did our taxes) I made $148 from the sale of 3 packs of cards and two prints. So I am clearly not the next breadwinner in this house.

So in exchange I do all the housework, food shopping, laundry, dishes, cooking and dishes.

While still trying to make art, and check into my remote job (it is pretty quiet this time of year)

so that is what I have been doing.

The Barren turns 50 next week, he is feeling low and super stressed. (compounding my guilt)

I booked us an overnight at a hotel in a town about two hours from here. It is supposed to have ocean views and a balcony to watch said ocean.

An overnight means the cats can be left alone without needing a check-in from a third person.

I also sent an email out to everyone I could think of to send birthday wishes so I could put them into one book for him and he could see how special he is to so many people.

They are trickling in slowly, and that has raised my anxiety a little...but I am trying to let it swing in the wind. He will have wishes from a few for sure and I have a crafting project to make.

His best buddy has three concerts for them to attend in the next week. The Barren has been pretty isolated and hunkered down here at home in preparation (really it is social anxiety, and Covid fears)

for the last month! So that has added to his feelings I am sure...

But tomorrow he starts to break free and attend events outside the house.

We have a stack of home tests, and are crazy careful and cautious about masking around people.

So far, it has served us well, as neither of us has gotten the virus.

WHICH IS THE GOAL STILL

On another front:

I reached a milestone, well a touchstone? or a life marker?

I have not had a period in over a year now! 

I am in a whole new land.

I had a follow-up ultrasound to make sure that the polyp, that the GYN gave me while trying to take an endocervical pap was gone, and thankfully it was. All seemed calm on the cervical/uterine front ⭐

So here I am, avoiding going back to the gyn to try again for that same pap.

This new year has been trying and my gosh we are only just finishing up the second month.

I am feeling lonely, but as mentioned I continue to make real efforts to find a social feature outside my home once a week...and I am still doing online art discussion class, and yoga practice (at home) and meditation group (4 people in a HUGE multipurpose room with masks) but the overall feeling is still very isolated and alone. Like a thirst that is unable to be quenched.

Is anyone else feeling this too?

Okay, I am babbling again.

Happy newish year...I'll be back sooner to reflect on some thing or another.

Hot Flash or Fever

I turned 51 on the 25th. I had another Covid birthday...it was quiet and I was glad my parents were healthy and fully vaccinated. I got my first hug from my parents in over a year...it was emotional, I got a drawing from my youngest niece. It is a drawing of me and The Barren looking at each other and when you place the two drawings side by side (like a friendship necklace) it forms one heart. 

I framed it when I got home. I have made my birthday cakes since going vegan because (I am protecting people) I didn't want to impose on others to make a special ingredient cake for me. 

The gathering was outside in the backyard and my mother made me a 14pound "cake" made out of watermelon and other fruit because she wanted me to be able to eat the whole thing. 

It made my heart explode...

And try as I might, I couldn't eat all the watermelon in time and ended up juicing it.

I dressed for the day again...blue polka dot peter pan collared dress

White basketball shoes and hairy legs. 

Last Tuesday, I got my second Dolly dose and waited until getting home to cry. I was overwhelmed, I was emotional, I was so thankful. I had seen a photograph earlier that week of a woman in India, visibly scared with an oxygen mask on her face while other women surrounded her and gazed at that mask. 

I looked at that image for a long long time. I felt their fear and their exhaustion...

I was lucky enough to get the vaccine, I was healthy...I was not going to die from this disease.

There are still STUPID people berating others for believing science, and their vaccine dose waits...

meanwhile others die from never having the opportunity.

It is a lot to digest...

Later that night, I started to play: " hot flash or fever"

My 30+hour fever started the night of the injection and by the morning, I felt every side effect from the paperwork list. Plus I got a "covid arm" from the vaccine. 

I thought everyone got a red swollen bump from shots...apparently not

I am at day 7 now, and it is almost not visible.

***

Then we roll into Mothers Day here in the US.

We have been on a waitlist with the recue group we adopted our cats from since November 2020

(right after we said goodbye to Xander)

After my second dose, we were invited to see 50 available kittens!

We went and spent 3hours meeting all of them... and hearing stories of how each of the in house mama cats had given birth there and the complications that some had encountered.

The kittens were all perfect and beautiful, the mama cats were enchanting and sweet and social.

The Barren kept going back to one enclosure and sitting with a teenage kitty.

I was sitting in the enclosure next to him and witnessed him falling in love.

The kitty walked into his lap, and fell asleep.

She looked at him the way our Theo used to look at him, 

it was so beautiful to see love transcend time and galaxies...it was his cat!!

I began to weep...it was such a powerful thing to witness!

When I entered the enclosure, I sat and she watched me. I leaned forward and asked her if she wanted to live with us....she walked over to me and got into my lap. 

She had selected her people.

We were offered the opportunity to foster her and have her give birth in our home!

We both went pale and said we were not emotionally stable enough if something was to happen.

After all she had just told us stories about the complications some of the mama cats had.

Our girl is YOUNG and SMALL and that scares us.

But of course, my IF talk came back into play and I began second guessing our choices...

Should we have her here now

Should be just "buckle up and grow some nerves"

should we...

what if we...

So for the record...

****

We didn't find a kitten, or even two...

we are adopting a pregnant teenage cat,

and when she gives birth, we will adopt one or more of her babies too...

The irony of the situation was not lost on me.

We left after telling the Rescue leader and I have signed up for volunteer hours 

(so I can visit her as she progresses to birth)

We are in our early 50's, 

we are adopting a teenager who is pregnant 

and will raise one or more of her babies too.

We are about three months away from having a kitty in our home again.

I am anxiously trying to get everything ready for them

Nesting?!

SERIOUSLY!!

When we got home Saturday night, I felt numb.

I half filled a tub and sat in it and began to wail...

Deep heaving crying...missing my kitty cats...wanting a connection like The Barren had gotten.

Fearful that it was all falling away from me.

I was like a woman possessed, I was wailing and talking to myself in whispers.

The Barren came in to find my in quite a bathtubbed state.

Crying, wailing, laughing whispering...like two people were having active conversations in my tub...

I sipped some water and The Barren sat to soothe me back into one mindbody.

I think that was all leftover from my sorrow...

I was so thankful that The Barren knew how to let it happen, and gave me space and no judgement.

I was mourning, and he recognized it.

Even in that moment-it was a reminder that my sorrow is deep, it travels across time, manifests in numbness, smiles and laughter. As I stepped out of the tub, intoxicated from the emotional ride I had just taken...I have learned to respect the space it needs from me, but not let it take over.

New stress different day

1st shot done!

Yes, I dressed for the event

I have spent the last two and a half weeks helping The Barren with his reaction to the first dose of the vaccine. The Barren gets an asthma response when he gets a chest cold, which is why we locked down so hard and for so long...well The Barren got his fist dose of the vaccine and 36hours later began to wheeze, it has spiraled since and he is currently on an inhaler, allergy medications and antibiotics to fight what is believed to be the beginning of pneumonia. 

(all these things have happened in the past when he has gotten chest colds, too many weekend walk in clinic experiences to count)

Yesterday he was wheezing so badly that we went to a walk in clinic because the wait to see his doctor was two weeks... he had to be seen in an outside room because it all looks like Covid-19 and we don't need to freak people out.

We live in a funky part of town, so while waiting in our outside room, we got to witness a near beatdown between two guys who had "looked at each other too long" and wanted to knock/knife the daylights out of each other. thankfully that didn't manifest.

The doctor yesterday explained that an anaphylaxis response is not uncommon for people with asthma and that his body probably reacted big to the first round and sent it all spinning.

Steroids were added to the menu of pills and the hope is that he will get breathing better in time for the second dose...which has been booked at a four week mark instead of the 3week mark.

The Barren is breathing better so far, thank goodness.

As you can imagine, the upcoming shot has us both on edge and wanting to be battle ready!

This morning I got my first dose of the vaccine, I got the Dolly Parton one.

Now all her songs are stuck in my head.

I dressed up for the shot, wearing a dress I wore the last time we went out in 2020. I also firmly believe that nothing can go wrong if you are wearing a purple piece of clothing. I use to have a pair of grape purple pants, I wore when I wanted to feel assured and strong. So I wore a grape purple dress and bright green sweater this morning...I felt present and brave.

The vaccine site looked like a set from M*A*S*H as it was an office building under renovations, so it was covered in plastic sheeting, bare cement floors and drywall partitions with folding chairs.

It was surreal to say the least.

Got my shot and appointment for the second dose.

I took my photo and then tried to not cry.

I have already taken a nap and I am famished.

I should be fully covered by my fathers birthday and I can finally hug them!!

Something I think is pretty emotional.

Parents are currently fully vaccinated and that has me breathing easier for them and realizing that my relationship has shifted once again.

I had gotten a call last week that my mother went to the clinic because her eye was BLEEDING! and she only went because my brother said it would be a good idea.

She hesitated and when my father sent a photo of her eye I nearly collapsed. I told my mother that she could loose vision and that she should really get an opinion other than her own...she blew me off and at that moment I pondered:

Were my parents always so defiant?

Was it time to step in or was it really time to step back?

I chose to step back.

My mother went to see an eye doctor the following day and they confirmed that nothing was damaged or injured (thank goddess) and that was that.

I waited for them to call me

my step back meant I was not going to call them anymore (at least I was going to try) 

and when they wanted to talk to me I would answer that call and do my best to not stir the pot.

It took three days for them to call me.

(Prior to the virus I spoke to my parents at least twice a day, now it is once every few days.)

This is a BIG adjustment for me; as I see them wanting to chat as acceptance and love. So when it is sluggish it means they are not thinking of me or love me.

It is sick, and insecurity is running the show but, a reality I am working with.

The reality of not being quarantined is a scary one, being around more than two people is scary.

The yoga studio sent out a poll asking if a pre-covid level class filled with fully vaccinated people was something of interest....

I made an appointment to get my hair cut after I am fully vaccinated, I have not been able to get it cut since August of 2019.

Then today the State announced that it plans to be fully open by June!

That scares me too...I am scared of people now it seems.

I am scared that life will mow this all over and forget about what is possible, 

I am scared that things will slingshot back to business as usual...and forget all that is important.

I am scared more often than I am confident.

I need to work on that too...

but, the idea of a thrift store visit is really exciting too and there are people there?!

 

Half a century

I chickened out and stayed away from my parents home.

It broke my heart, but I understand that even if we never got near each other it was a risk I was not willing to take in their health or ours.

So I had a Facetime call with them followed by a zoom call with some friends.

I had sent out invitations to join the call and half way through got self conscience and stopped emailing peeps and then with the gentle nudge of The Barren, 

I sent it out like a crazy shotgun blast to a bunch of people.

Everyone said they would attend and then I freaked out again....

but like parties of the past, not everyone showed up, which was fine.

I did my hair and wore something other than a sweatshirt...and had a pre-meeting freak-out about how everyone was going to be looking at me and I suddenly looked like a tired old woman.

I moved the ipad and swallowed my pride and got on camera.

It was lovely..and SUPER SURREAL!!

I offered my homemade cupcakes to the crowd...

my brother had made a snack tray and had nibbles on camera at his home, 

a neighbor couple wore green mustaches, 

another couple of people had glasses of wine, a cousin showed off her new baby chicks. 

We took tours of each others living rooms and yards.

Then something absolutely humbling happened....

everyone started to show off artwork they had of mine.

I was floored and so deeply touched!

I mean really touched and humbled.

Someone suggested they sing happy birthday 

and the song sounded like it was being sung in a round...which was super funny.

When the call ended I took a shower and fell into a nap!

Two days later I got a gift delivered from a painter friend.

I had sat for her in 2013 while she explored options for a portrait project.

She gifted me the study she did of me.

It is a good likeness of me and I sent a photo of me next to the painting to her 

and she posted it on social media.

I feel like I need a manor home to hang a portrait of myself, it seems very Georgian.

Today I received another gift from another painter friend of poppies.

She said that I came into her mind when she was making it and felt I should have it.

50 is full of surprises so far

It was not what I thought it would be, or how I thought it would be celebrated.

It felt nice to do something with my hair and "dress up" 

It was fun to make myself a birthday cake

and have a local bakery deliver cupcakes to my parents so we could still do our annual birthday cake for breakfast together (apart)

I could actually feel my heart refueling from the love that was shared with me on my group call.

Never mind the high level of anxiety, I was aware of the feeling and took a moment to feel it all and soak it in.

I am thankful for that!

Normal heartbreak

This is my youngest niece.

She is in first grade and this is her new normal.

I made her mask and never imagined I'd see a photo of her like this.

This is her back yard...I am thankful she has safer outdoor space but this just breaks my heart.

Her teachers and principal did one of those drive through the neighborhood and waving to the kiddos that are all now homeschooling. The teachers miss their students and this is their way to support them and show their love. What a crazy new way of seeing the world.

I have been distracted by making masks and mailing them to loved ones far and wide.

It is replacing my normal birthday karma*, and I am happy to do it and it has been a sense of helping in this whole crazy. I have made close to 80, but that number is about to go up as I am making a new set this weekend.

I am using all my old hoarded fabric from when I use to make kids clothes.

Talk about a cathartic turn.

I am watching these beautiful fabrics shrink as I send every new package out to full families.

* I give gifts to loved ones for my birthday every year, recently it has been a piece of artwork but this year it is masks.

The Barren and I are getting along just fine. 

I am thankful for that and I think it really highlights how we can really make this work for another 150 years together.

My birthday is the 25th and I have decided to make a cupcakes, drive the 40+ miles to my parents home and sit across the street and eat our annual birthday cake for breakfast together, apart.

That is the grand plan, that is what 50 will look like for me.

The Barren has agreed to come with and participate in the cake eating celebration.

I continue to listen to the science and plan on this taking longer than expected and getting scarier.

I continue to be thankful that my family and friends are healthy and following rules.

I am thankful for a lot of this upside down version of life.

I am just taking it one step atta time.

I fell twice in less that two weeks here at home; two good bruised up falls.

 As I move slowly and watch my body heal and ache, 

I am thankful that I am able to heal and have the space to do it slowly.

One was a slip on the tile of the bathroom (the same tile we've had for 20+ years) 

and the second was a trip over my work chair that had me land on my ass.

Twin bruises below my butt and a skipped down the rib-cage and stab into my side bruise,

 thanks to a framed artwork.

Thankful I didn't land on the cat who was right beside me !

Also thankful for the extra padding on my body...

as I was wailing in pain, I started laughing and confused The Barren.

He asked if I was mentally alright...

Through laughter I said, " My fat saved me!" 

So yours truly is shaking off this final year of her forties and in a deep metamorphosis into a 

MOTHER FUCKING BUTTERFLY

in time for my birthday!

After Party

Niece is healed

I am thankful that she can do things like lay on her stomach and exercise again.

yeah science!

My birthday came and went

birthday outfit

I started the day with yoga...

turns out, the one person I chat with in morning classes is a birthday twin!

Never in my life have I known someone else who shares my birthday!

( I will call it mine even though it is hers too)

CRAZY

I had breakfast chessecake bars with my parents, 

along with an awkward but nice visit.

The Barren sent flowers to me, 

he hasn't done that in years!

and then I was alone...

I wondered what to do.

I bought myself some lunch out

I went to a thrift store

and then came home again still not sure what to do with myself.

I ended the night with some couch time with the cat and then off to bed.

I think I need to plan my birthday activities far better for next year.

I am left with a feeling of disappointment in myself.

The Barren returned and will be leaving again Sunday for another week away....

I am excited about what he will be able to do while away...but I miss him terribly.

I have yet to get my period too...

seems I am already all over the board with my cycles.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday...

just to cross that off my worry list.

Now it is a worry...before it would not have been,

TRANSITIONAL THINKING anyone??

The Barren asked if it felt weird peeing on a stick again...

I said it wasn't too weird except I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

The not bleeding thing is wild, and quite a convenient feature in my day.

I am apocalypse level loaded up on tampons and pads... and if things continue like this, 

I will make them into small grab bags for homeless women I encounter.

I was chatting with a yoga teacher before class the other day and she asked how I was feeling post birthday...she is a true star gazer and always keeps me in the loop about astro changes and how they are linked with mood and life...and I explained aside from the normal existential thoughts around your birthday it feels like something in percolating.

I eagerly await this wonderful new event!

I am done with negative shit

Aligned

It is gonna be quite a week!

Today my niece (15yrs old) is having a 10cm cyst **removed from her left ovary

The same surgery I had

the same ovary

27years earlier

The doctor assured her parents that she would also look for endo

She has no questions, but like many teens is only concerned about needles.

She is set to have the operation about 3 hours from now.

I gave my brother tips that helped me make the experience more comfortable....

most of my suggestions have fallen outside the wall he and my sister in law have constructed.

My father asked me a couple questions through gritted teeth the night he and my mother found out...

He is angry about it.

I think it is safe to say we all are concerned 

I am hopeful that she will be better after the surgery than her current state.

The cyst can be seen bulging from her tummy when she lays down.

I am thankful that they are checking for endo 

and that ideally will find nothing or able to remove what is found.

I am at the studio and home today. 

I was told there was no reason for me to be there today.

(I'll be at the door to the wall, with pear juice, some magazines and GasX in hand tomorrow)

*********************

The Barren is traveling for work this week

He is thousands of miles away.

I didn't get the morning call and TOTALLY had a massive panic attack

He finally called a half hour later, and when I heard his voice I tumbled into a puddle

unable to hide my concern and fears.

He apologized repeatedly 

Why the concern? He had a coworker/friend die on a work trip 

So since then I have been pretty terrified 

He travels again the first week of May

**********************

I am due to get my first real period soon...I think today but who knows?!

It feels like it is readying herself....but I don't really know

so the wait begins

**************************

The Barren's Aunt is donating a kidney today

I found out via social media...

*****************

My birthday is Thursday

I have no plans, no parties, other than take a yoga class in the afternoon

I had a sweet treat time with The Barren this past weekend...

Put on a pretty dress, had a fancy drink and got some much needed time with him 

It is a strangely aligned week.

I am cleaning and dumping old paperwork out of corners of the house to keep myself busy.

The world feels different

**The cyst was 14cm and consisted of three pieces all surrounding her ovary. One included hair, the other two had thick liquid in them. The surgery lasted 2.5hours and in the removal she lost a portion of her left ovary. The doctor assured her parents that the portion that remains has eggs/follicles and her tube is healthy...the doctor was glad she got her in so quickly as this was a ticking bomb.

Brain Vomit

Prom 1986- nope

This was a look for an art get together...I realized afterwards that I looked ready for prom...

or jr prom or sadie hawkins dance or something like that

I am dating myself now....

I have found myself in a slump or sadness

I am not sure which one yet.

I am taking care of myself and working and doing my practice 5 times a week, which I know is connected to my mental health and my ability to sort shit out.

It has become painfully obvious the lack of friends nearby to chat with or have a cuppa caffeine with.

I thought I was making progress at the studio, but being summer, people take off for vacations and often take a while to return to their practice. So I just keep going and looking like a dork or teacher stalker...by taking their classes at the same time every week....I like ritual okay

I also am taking a sound therapy class, which helps me see and sort out art ideas.

It seems super granola, and hippie kid but for me it works.

I see colors and can think through ideas while I sit still for an hour and the teacher simply makes all sorts of sounds....simple but for me effective!

I hit my 5 year milestone as a vegan and yoga practicier

that seems strange too...

I am stronger than I have ever been, and although I will never be a string bean I am happy and thankful for what this Stage 4 Endo body CAN do.

I am often screaming in my head when a back bend happens or some level of flexibility is achieved. The teachers say to let go of ego and not focus on what you can or can not do...but DAMN I can do stuff I never thought I'd be able to, and someday in the future I will be able to do EVEN MORE than I imagined or dreamt. I am keeping that part of my ego and shaky self confidence.

Okay I am rambling....

brain vomit, sorry.

I have been thinking about all the new babies about to enter this world and it doesn't make me bitter or really sad...in fact, I have noticed that I have made a clearly defined line for myself about what I will and will not participate in. Moderate how I react to the sight of a pregnant woman and or a newborn. 

I do still want to hold a baby...but not in front of people so that will not happen....

Yeah I would like to hold your baby but not while you watch or around any of you....shhahhahah

If that doesn't sound dastardly I don't know what does.

I am staying away from news....there is a lot of troll talk about not feeling anything about whats happening unless you are a mom or a parent or a breastfeeder...

Mind you, I am still engaged and writing letters of protest and all that responsibility, but not watching the stories unfold anymore...I would eventually like to not wear my bite-plate to bed!

The world around us here in the states seems to have become a disconnected hose with the water on full blast and just flaying about spraying everyone down and not giving two shits. I am working on managing anger and trying to not get exhausted from the constant need to speed dial my senators and congress people encouraging them to continue to act sane and speak up.

Empathy, sympathy and common sense is something to fight for, daily

There are a lot of people being killed for no reason

a lot of people in pain

a lot of suffering

a lot of hurt

I am reminded that simple things are beautiful and that how I choose to react matters and can teach others, even when you think no one is watching.

I am making choices every day to act kindly, speak kindly, and think kind words in my self talk.

I am also eating more vegan sweets and napping

....that seems to be helping too 💙

Goals and Birthdays

vanilla cake, lime coconut frosting vegan birthday cupcakes

I am not sure why, but I seem to always be SUPER emotional and goal oriented around my birthday.

I had set a goal for myself last year and when I didn't met it I was disappointed 

but kept moving towards it.

 It is something I have wanted to be able to do for longer than I can remember...

It represents a symbol of strength to me...

It is pretty badass

It is something most people can do with almost no effort

What is it?

A pushup

yep...

I have never been able to do one

I want to be able to do one, and not a "girl" push-up

but a kick-ass real deal push-up

I have been working on it for a LONG time... 

and I am proud to report I did it in front of The Barren on the eve of my 

48th birthday, Tuesday night.

The Barren cried he was so happy for me (heart swelling)

I am also of the camp that if it is not documented it didn't really happen

and being a visual person, I needed to photograph it

so I did:

Elbows in against my ribs

down to a 90* bend 

ass up, knees off the floor

legitimate push-up folks!

Happy Birthday Lefty!

5 years ago I took a test that saved my ovary!

I celebrate that day as a new birthday for my ovary ever since.

Today is my left ovaries birthday.

I have had several new cycles with her and she has not decided to grow anything new!

I am thankful for that 

Here is to lefty

formally Quasimodo

I am looking to celebrate many more healthy birthdays with you ⭐

Circling the sun

I awoke feeling happy

I got dressed and went to yoga

I had a lovely class and felt like a million bucks

I went to my parents place to enjoy our newest ritual

birthday cake for breakfast.

As long as they are around, I figured we should have cake together 

first thing in the morning 

and I can thank them in person for making me. 

Literally.

This year my 3 year old niece was there, so she got cake for breakfast too.

Honestly, she just wanted the icing, so I gave her mine.

I had made the cake the night before, and tried something I'd never made.

A Hummingbird Cake

My parents and I sat and chatted and we visited for a long while.

then I packed up, took a photo of the driveway; where my mother had made chalk circles

of number 1-47 and had them lead to the front door.

(another ritual they do every year for birthdays, some sort of chalk drawing. They even did it when I was employed near their home and all my coworkers had to drive past their work, and then proceeded to come and wish me a happy birthday)

I love her shadow!

I traveled home, picking up actual food along the way and ate a quiet brunch at home.

Then a little nap

a little more food and then The Barren came home and we sat and visited until bedtime.

A quiet birthday.

We had gone into the big city the weekend prior and I took in some art gazing.

I think we are planning to do a similar adventure this weekend too,

Sightseeing, art adventures, with snacks

I have been focusing on enjoying little visits with dear people in my life.

I have gotten great pleasure from that.

Like I can feel my body respond from the positive visits.

I am aiming to do that as often as I can.

that is my birthday wish for myself.

Time has passed and I am growing it seems

So I haven't posted in a while...I am not completely sure why.

Barbara Kruger's artwork
"Have me Feed me Hug me Love me Need me"

I spent the month of April visiting art museums....The Barren declared the whole month would be spent art gazing, and I was not going to argue with that logic! Plus he said it was the perfect way to celebrate my birthday....so we did.
It was amazing and inspiring and wonderful. We were able to break him free of work on most of those weekends and just enjoy wandering galleries and talking about thoughts that the art inspired.

Quite beautiful

I forgot Infertility Awareness week...I am aware of our infertility, and so are most of our friends....it didn't seem like something I needed to soapbox this year. So I didn't

I celebrated my birthday quite quietly. I made myself a cake and ate a piece the eve of my birthday. I went to yoga in the morning and didn't tell anyone and then at the end of class someone wished me a happy birthday and throughout the week, I was surprised with birthday wishes....it was sweet.

I then got my annual cold and spent the week following my birthday laid out like a shivering, stuffy nosed sloth under the covers. This cold triggered me getting my period a week early-even while on birth control and now next week I get my period again....that is if this period stops first.
sigh

My bestie made it through (OK I made it through) her month residency and made a SHITLOAD of artwork, but also missed her husbands cooking as the food provided was less than stellar and mostly tater tots. I am complaining for her....hahaha she'd never complain.

I have landed firmly in 46.
I don't seem fazed by it and that is great with me.
My mother had her knee replaced at 44 and the fact that I am still not there is a MAJOR highlight of a milestone in personal goals.

Mother's day is looming, but my mom made plans and she said they are declaring it Sunday.
I think she is doing that to make me feel better, and I am thankful for that too....

I think that I am mostly settling into who I am meant to be now...post-infertility.
I discover something new about what I do and don't want, what I can actually do...and often give myself permission to go forward with that train of thought.
Recently, friends are talking about stressful kid scenarios and I just look at The Barren and say
"Not jealous of that!"
That is HUGE for me, for us....