52 like a deck of cards

 

How my birthday weekend started.

I thought I had simply overate, but my stomach thought differently and proceeded to make the next 24hours living hell for me. It was when I started to vomit blood that The Barren started panicking.

(it was not a lot of blood according to the doctor, so the level of terror The Barren displayed was misdirected and I was not bleeding out)

He started screaming that we needed to go to the ER, I meanwhile was hunched over a toilet discarding whatever was below my toenails was unable to stand. 
YET I was still convinced I didn't need the ER, anything but a DOCTOR or an emergency room or any medical person for that matter... but we got to the ER and as soon as I walked into the door, I felt fine.

The Barren was shocked, I in turn was not. I was terrified of what lay before me and I think went into total trauma mode. We got in quick and of course the nurses were amazing, the doctor was confused why I was asking so many questions and asked if I was in the medical field...and I told him that I was familiar with pain, and emergency rooms and I was someone with stage 4 endo.

He offered pain meds and I refused. Then I sat there for a moment with the nurse and said, I should give my body the option to be comfortable, and not just sit with discomfort.*

* I later reflected on this concept of being uncomfortable and sitting with it and dismissing aides to medically make things better. I felt like my mother taught me to "buck up" and manage it alone, in solitude and you'll get past it, eventually. I am glad I recognized this while in the ER and able to make those elements dissipate.

So I got some light drug to mostly numb my stomach and all my blood tests were good so it was diagnosed as acute gastritis.

No spicy, oily food. No alcohol or caffeine.

Happy birthday!

I am on stomach drugs for two weeks and a bland diet.

The next day I was back to normal actives and when my birthday rolled around a couple days later I was my normal emotional self. I made myself some birthday cupcakes, and headed to the family home. I had loaded up my camera and I shot photos of my immediate family.

It was a relaxing quiet time, simple food and I had a bite of birthday cupcake.

okay, I ate a whole cupcake

Vanilla cake, lemon curd filling and topping.

The Barren had taken time off work so we could celebrate my birthday together....

but he neglected to make any plans, so after he berated himself for being bad at birthdays...I told him that we could freeform the days off.

I also had another epiphany:

When you are younger, you have elaborate birthday parties with friends and big Ta-dos, and as you age those sorts of moments become harder and harder. All we are trying to do is capture that same level of joy from childhood...recently when I thought about my birthday I cry. I realized that for me, it highlights my loneliness and lack of social circle. So birthdays have to become something else for me.

So I found a botanical garden, and took my cameras and photos and walked near trees and forgot all about my sadness, and about being lonely. I forgot about the ER and the pain, I just was away from it all with The Barren.

When the days off had past, I got a text from my bestie that she was coming into town for a hot 36hrs to pick up a HUGE plant from her mother and then was going back home. Then asked if I had an hour or so to hang out...I of course said yes and with The Barren in tow we met for a meal and a chat and it ended up being longer than an hour and it was like my birthday extended for another day. We took photos and she jumped back into her car and drove home 6+ hours away.

When I was with bestie, she mentioned that 52 was like a deck of cards....

I thought about that, mostly that I hadn't thought about a deck of cards being 52, but then how that relates to me. 52 options, some similar to others but each unique. 

I guess the theme of my newest circle around the sun is reframing.

I am reframing how I relate to myself, the world around me and others in my life. I mean what birthday would be complete without a little existential meandering, right?!

Which card will I pull for this week?

52 cards, 52 weeks in a year...