There she goes

 It feels strange to write about a car. 

I donated my car on Wednesday to the Humane World for Animals. We have a newer car, all electric and my sweet girl had almost 300,000 miles on her. She was getting tired, was gonna need all her original hoses and boots and seals replaced. 

She was my ride or die for 21 years! I picked her out originally because I wanted a four door car that would be easier to put in and take out a car seat, had enough room for my father to sit comfortably in the back and had better safety features...airbags! Before her I had a 1985 Toyota Corolla that I purchased from my great aunt, that only made right turns,  and when I started driving 100miles round trip to and from work, my mechanic suggested I get a safer car and a cell phone.

I picked out my gal, no bells or whistles, just super standard features with airbags. The upgrades from the 1985 car was that this new one had air conditioning, airbags and a CD player! It still had roll down windows (in case I drove off a bridge, I could still escape my car) and buttons and knobs that required turning to find radio stations and such. She had 3 miles on her when we drove off the lot and I loved that car. When stuff got serious, not long after getting her, she was my safe space to rage scream, cry and yell at the world. No one was the wiser, she kept my secrets. We went on the occasional road trip, but I babied her. Drove my goddaughters to and from school, carried my niblings to and from overnights. Even transported them along with the dogs while we waited for word about the youngest being born. She carried me to and from infusions and errands and gardens. 

Gladly hauling bags of compost in her trunk.

She ferried us and the cats to safety when the fires had us evacuating to safer locations. She made it through floods and storms and all the while required very little. She was " middle grey", a color I chose as a nod to my photographic love. She was my first brand new car, I picked her out, financed her and she in many way equated freedom for me. Freedom of movement, freedom for choice...I could go anywhere...she was mine! 

So when we got the newest used car, it was time to say goodbye. I cleaned out my car that night, emptying it of all the little things she had collected over the years, Acorns and CDs and love notes and keys and coins. I ripped off the Band-Aid in many ways.... I was emotional ! I sat on the kitchen floor and cried. I turned ideas around in my head. I asked my brother if his kids would want her? " she would be the perfect car to learn to drive in " I loved the idea that an Aunt would pass on another car in the family...but my niblings said no, they did not have any interest in learning how to drive! 

I asked people at my yoga studio that had kiddos, no one needed a car. 

This broke my heart, but also made it possible to think beyond the present and instead, look to donation.

The Barren was very supportive, he too had a mix of feelings. He didn't want me to feel forced to make a choice, but also knew I would have all the same options with this newer car.

When I decided who was going to take her on her next path, I drove her to the garden, talking to her along the way, thanking her for all her support over the years. I picked flowers for her dashboard and left them there to dry. 

The day before the tow truck came, I burned sage inside the car. Telling her that I release her from all that she helped me carry over the years. All the sorrow and pain that she allowed me to fill her with. All the times I screamed and cried and banged my hands into the steering wheel. I released her of all her obligations and thanked her for taking to me to places that also supported my joy and excitement. 

She was cleared of it all, she was free.

I tucked a little Milagros into a secret place to carry her to her next happy. 

The following day, I met the tow truck and watched her drive away.

I thought it would hurt more...maybe it will down the line but for now I am hopeful she will be auctioned off and make someone else happy.

Has anyone read Klara and the sun

A friend mentioned that our story was similar, and I kinda agree.

Now I feel different, as though I also let some of that sorrow and heaviness go too.

The goodbye was proof of growing pains and that is why I cried so much.

Krampus

 

In order to make my latest adventure to the ER more manageable and less scary...I thought about what this flare might have looked like, what kind of personality did it have and I came up with this.

Big Flamboyance

I was up at 1:30am awoken with stomach tightening, that turned into a 12 hour saga of regular contractions and wave of nausea making all fuel leave my body, and leave me unable to form thoughts, drink water or even cry. That alone wouldn't get me to the ER, it was the pain in my lower abdomen that got me there fearing it was my appendix. Thinking the worse of the worst scenarios. 

Well, lucky for me, there was a lonnnnnnnnng wait to get a room in the ER. Our local hospital only allows the patients in the ER waiting room, having their companions wait in a separate section of the hospital until a room is assigned. The Barren was near but not with me while we waited for 3 hours to get a room. During that time, the ER filled with sick babies, lots of sick babies that sounded like seals barking. People having seizures and others puddled moaning in the chairs. I meanwhile was seating curled into a in fetal ball trying to not think about how much I was feeling past trauma, how I just wanted to go home, hold The Barren's hand and how silly I felt being there. (reduce yourself to make space for others much?) 

The Barren meanwhile was in the perfect spot to see all the new parents leaving the hospital with their babies in tow. So he was having just as much fun.

I think it was hour two, when I remembered I was just learning a healing mantra in my meditation class. I started trying to remember the words, I forgot some, then remembered them, then jostled the order, but I figured if I got any of them wrong it was still a good thing...I was focusing my breathing and mind on something that wasn't my pain, fear, or embarrassment.

Om tare tuttare ture mama ayru punye janana pushtim kuru soha

White Tara healing mantra

*****

At the three hour mark, I was called into a room and The Barren was ushered in separately. I met the doctor for a hot second, he determined that based off my blood and urine, it was not a blockage, rip or my appendix. I was given a cup of water to see if I could drink water again, anti-nausea drugs and IV fluids. The nurse, who was a totally cool dude with pink on the ends of his long hair, said that he believed what I was experiencing was peristalsis and because I was slightly dehydrated, I most likely could feel it more than normal. Then he unloaded some other cool facts like, the smell and taste I experience when the line is flushed before I get my infusions is actually genetic, and not everyone has that ability, and it is actually the blood flowing through my olfactory...anyways it was pretty cool. I got a call from my GI doctor right after the IV of fluids was placed and he called in a prescription for more anti nausea medication. (I was super thankful he was a rockstar like that).....this new diagnosis has a steep learning curve, and what I was experiencing was a flare. There is really no known causes for them, and it takes practice to learn the cues of one coming. So ideally I'll be fortified knowing mine tend to last for 24 hours and then subside, but can hurt like a mother when they are here.

When the IV was done, I felt re-booted and went home to shower and eat two tablespoons of sweet potato and go to bed. 

As I was eating said sweet potato, I asked what the date was and it was the 5th! The 5th of December....and I realized just then, that I had been battling the KRAMPUS....and I won.

Loading dose

 

Today I started my first dose of colitis/crohns medication.

I went to meditation this morning and wore a purple bra

(I am a firm believer that purple is a good luck color, well for me it is)

The nurse is nice and will be my nurse from here on out. 

We got the baby question out of the way right at the start with, 

"do you have any children"

to which I said, "no we don't, we just have each other"

The infusion center is in an allergy clinic, so there was a large group of people there to get allergy meds, crying babies and a lot of commotion.

The Barren came with me, and although he looked away when the needle stuff happened 

he was my solid dude 💓

Todays dose is called a loading dose, as they are loading a smaller dose today and then in two weeks I get another dose. I will be monitored for a bit afterwards to make sure I don't have any reactions. The another dose in 6weeks and then 8 weeks...and then I am on the schedule of every 8 weeks.

In between I will be having blood, stool and scans to monitor progress.

The medicine is designed to specifically target my gut, but it still makes me immunocompromised.

I will continue my vegan gluten free lifestyle, for life.

After the infusion we raced home, because The Barren had a work call and then the doorbell rang...

outside my front door was a man holding a huge arrangement of flowers.

My sweet Barren had a bouquet delivered.

The message read:

"this is one crazy ride, but I am glad I am on it with you"

💓💓💓

more tears, but also smiles

The Barren's birthday

 After weeks of planning, The Barren's birthday arrived and we drove to a town about two hours away. We stopped in the downtown area, ate some diner food (that later gave us both indigestion, because we are 50 years old) and then checked into a hotel that overlooked the sea.

Like was 20feet from the ocean

After taking three deep lung filling breaths of the ocean air The Barren turned around and fell onto the bed and took a multiple hour nap. 

I sat next to him, listening to the ocean and his snores.

After some time had past and I my level of boredom had peaked, I woke him up we walked to see the sunset on the private beach footsteps from our room...The Barren gathered stones for a hopeful future inlay project and I took photos. We then returned to the room to sleep some more.

We woke up in time to watch the sunrise from our private patio, listen to the sea birds awake from their nights slumber and begin search for food.

It was quiet, it was peaceful and it was prefect.

Here is a photo of me, in a tee, a sweatshirt and a thin puffer jacket 

(because that is how you dress when it is cold here on the west coast)

on our sunset walk before falling back to sleep.

It was a moment in time where nothing was wrong, 

we were adulting like real adults 

and the world was quiet so The Barren could turn 50.

Breast Up

 

This is what it looks like when you are waiting to find out if 

that the lump they found on a mammogram is gonna try and kill you.

The one you couldn't find, the one the doctor couldn't find...

They took a lot of images, then went into a room and had me wait.

Then they came out and took some more.

Left the room

Then a third time....and I waited.

Then with a smile in their voice, told me I needed an ultrasound.

I was taken into the ultrasound room, jellied up

and it appeared on the screen, clear as day.

It was determined to be a cyst.

No need for additional treatment, unless it grows uncomfortable.

I left the hospital, and sat in my car and cried.

I was relieved, I was thankful...

I am not going to lose my breast.

Stupid & Contagious

***Below I ramble, mostly because it felt like a conversation with someone other than myself, 

in my head. I talk about race, isolation and frustration***

I am thankful that we are all healthy and bored, let's just start there.

I visited my parents home two weeks ago to deliver food and sit in the back yard with them.

mom working the "invisible man" vibe

I walked through a side outside gate, and met them in their backyard.
It is still very foreign to still not hug them or touch them.

They gave me my birthday present from April.

We sat, made small that and then had heated discussions about race and climate and how things are never going to be like they remember them again.

We talked about the grief that surrounds that and how they are or are not dealing with it.

My father nibbled on the cookies I brought, as he rolled his eyes at me, and told me how he wanted me to act. Make no ripples, stay below the radar.

My car and the sign that made him "freak out"

My car was the reason for most of his outbursts, and me telling them that a Hell's Angel pulled up next to me and gave me a side eye at a traffic light.

Later that same day, a group of those same "angels" drove into a crowd of peaceful demonstrators narrowly avoiding children that were in attendance.

I have another sign in the other back window that says: "No Justice/ No Peace"

I have left them in my windows since our parade attendance for the local BLM rally.

I was able to calm him down and simply say, we both want to be good people, doing what is right.

I can not be silent when so so so so much is wrong.

I would not be able to sit with myself by being silent.

These are the kind of conversations that are happening all over now.

The state I love in and the country I reside in is upside down.

We are " stupid and contagious" (to quote Kurt Cobain)

We had another 550+ cases over the weekend, just in my county!

I have made and given out over 200 masks personally...

I don't know what else to do?!

I spend my days trying to make art, when I am not sewing masks.

I do all the house work and run all the errands, as The Barren* has become more and more concerned about leaving the house for ANYTHING.

I do yoga daily virtually and often times the teacher, 

and anyone who has their camera turned on for class, 

are the only other people I see that day.

I am terribly lonely, even with another person in the house. 

(whom I love and I am thankful we are together though this...but we are both becoming more and more fragile from the isolation)

I have been staying away from the news, as every time I dip my toe into that swamp, it is far more infested with the most horrible things, that I can't really comprehend what has happened.

People talk less to each other when out at the shops.

Neighbors talk less to each other.

The beaches are crowded, the streets are full of tourists.

We are doomed to be in this home forever at this rate.

As a rule follower, I am saddened by nobody else doing the work.

I wake up each day, with a bright disposition, hopeful that I will make something lovely or moving.

Hopeful that there will be different news from this current world.

It is harder and takes serious focus to carry myself through the sludge of energy pulling me away from that brightness and hope.

My bestie and I had a facetime call the other day, we both were feeling very heavy in the heart.

it helped to see each others face, and talk real talk and admit that we are both feeling all the feels!

An old boyfriend reached out to me the other day too, 

just to see how I was, it made me feel so very loved.

It sparked a long chain of emails reflecting on the things we miss, and how it sucks.

** The Barren is currently enrolled in a songwriting class and is finding great joy from that. His mood is vastly improved when he finishes each class. He has been writing and I now find him researching music theory and deep in word thought.

Half a century

I chickened out and stayed away from my parents home.

It broke my heart, but I understand that even if we never got near each other it was a risk I was not willing to take in their health or ours.

So I had a Facetime call with them followed by a zoom call with some friends.

I had sent out invitations to join the call and half way through got self conscience and stopped emailing peeps and then with the gentle nudge of The Barren, 

I sent it out like a crazy shotgun blast to a bunch of people.

Everyone said they would attend and then I freaked out again....

but like parties of the past, not everyone showed up, which was fine.

I did my hair and wore something other than a sweatshirt...and had a pre-meeting freak-out about how everyone was going to be looking at me and I suddenly looked like a tired old woman.

I moved the ipad and swallowed my pride and got on camera.

It was lovely..and SUPER SURREAL!!

I offered my homemade cupcakes to the crowd...

my brother had made a snack tray and had nibbles on camera at his home, 

a neighbor couple wore green mustaches, 

another couple of people had glasses of wine, a cousin showed off her new baby chicks. 

We took tours of each others living rooms and yards.

Then something absolutely humbling happened....

everyone started to show off artwork they had of mine.

I was floored and so deeply touched!

I mean really touched and humbled.

Someone suggested they sing happy birthday 

and the song sounded like it was being sung in a round...which was super funny.

When the call ended I took a shower and fell into a nap!

Two days later I got a gift delivered from a painter friend.

I had sat for her in 2013 while she explored options for a portrait project.

She gifted me the study she did of me.

It is a good likeness of me and I sent a photo of me next to the painting to her 

and she posted it on social media.

I feel like I need a manor home to hang a portrait of myself, it seems very Georgian.

Today I received another gift from another painter friend of poppies.

She said that I came into her mind when she was making it and felt I should have it.

50 is full of surprises so far

It was not what I thought it would be, or how I thought it would be celebrated.

It felt nice to do something with my hair and "dress up" 

It was fun to make myself a birthday cake

and have a local bakery deliver cupcakes to my parents so we could still do our annual birthday cake for breakfast together (apart)

I could actually feel my heart refueling from the love that was shared with me on my group call.

Never mind the high level of anxiety, I was aware of the feeling and took a moment to feel it all and soak it in.

I am thankful for that!

I am good and healthy

I got the phone call while dropping off artwork at the gallery.

I had to take the call in a public place....

I repeated what the Nurse said:

"clear and good, nothing present"

I folded in half with relief

the curator walked up to me and said...

that sounded like good news

I said yes, I had a test and it is clear.

What were you tested for?

I had a biopsy from my uterus, they wanted to rule out cancer.

She turned white and said she was so very glad to hear the news....

I told her it felt like I could take a deep breath.

I remember thanking her again for including me in the exhibition and I floated out of the gallery and landed in a metaphysical gift store a couple doors down where I bought my bestie a set of Animal Spirit Guide cards

Since the news I have been kind of numb and very thankful

very present 

and quieter

I enjoyed a quiet Christmas with The Barren

and then with family

I am fine, I am good, I am thankful 

and peri-menopausal

And the winner is.....

ME!!!

I spent a half an hour crying and laughing before I could even call The Barren at work.
All I did was take a photo of my computer screen and send it to him....
My hands were shaking, I was not able to speak....

The cats freaked out thinking I was in pain or something.

I am still quite in shock and working very hard on sharing this award with pride 

and I keep telling myself that it is not arrogant.

I worked very hard for this and my work was recognized by a panel of professional peers

and I got some money too!
I won the creative process award, perfectly suited for what I submitted.

The magic of disco lifted and kept my mood elevated most of the day and when I finally found the information it was a HUGE shock and wonderful moment.

The Barren says I need to sit and stew in this...live and love the feeling and like Elmer J Fudd, repeat my well earned and happy mantra:

"I am an internationally awarded artist"