Tuesday, July 21, 2020

Stupid & Contagious

***Below I ramble, mostly because it felt like a conversation with someone other than myself, 
in my head. I talk about race, isolation and frustration***

I am thankful that we are all healthy and bored, let's just start there.

I visited my parents home two weeks ago to deliver food and sit in the back yard with them.
mom working the "invisible man" vibe
I walked through a side outside gate, and met them in their backyard.
It is still very foreign to still not hug them or touch them.
They gave me my birthday present from April.
We sat, made small that and then had heated discussions about race and climate and how things are never going to be like they remember them again.
We talked about the grief that surrounds that and how they are or are not dealing with it.

My father nibbled on the cookies I brought, as he rolled his eyes at me, and told me how he wanted me to act. Make no ripples, stay below the radar.
My car and the sign that made him "freak out"

My car was the reason for most of his outbursts, and me telling them that a Hell's Angel pulled up next to me and gave me a side eye at a traffic light.
Later that same day, a group of those same "angels" drove into a crowd of peaceful demonstrators narrowly avoiding children that were in attendance.

I have another sign in the other back window that says: "No Justice/ No Peace"
I have left them in my windows since our parade attendance for the local BLM rally.

I was able to calm him down and simply say, we both want to be good people, doing what is right.
I can not be silent when so so so so much is wrong.
I would not be able to sit with myself by being silent.
These are the kind of conversations that are happening all over now.

The state I love in and the country I reside in is upside down.
We are " stupid and contagious" (to quote Kurt Cobain)
We had another 550+ cases over the weekend, just in my county!
I have made and given out over 200 masks personally...
I don't know what else to do?!

I spend my days trying to make art, when I am not sewing masks.
I do all the house work and run all the errands, as The Barren* has become more and more concerned about leaving the house for ANYTHING.
I do yoga daily virtually and often times the teacher, 
and anyone who has their camera turned on for class, 
are the only other people I see that day.
I am terribly lonely, even with another person in the house. 
(whom I love and I am thankful we are together though this...but we are both becoming more and more fragile from the isolation)

I have been staying away from the news, as every time I dip my toe into that swamp, it is far more infested with the most horrible things, that I can't really comprehend what has happened.
People talk less to each other when out at the shops.
Neighbors talk less to each other.
The beaches are crowded, the streets are full of tourists.
We are doomed to be in this home forever at this rate.
As a rule follower, I am saddened by nobody else doing the work.

I wake up each day, with a bright disposition, hopeful that I will make something lovely or moving.
Hopeful that there will be different news from this current world.
It is harder and takes serious focus to carry myself through the sludge of energy pulling me away from that brightness and hope.

My bestie and I had a facetime call the other day, we both were feeling very heavy in the heart.
it helped to see each others face, and talk real talk and admit that we are both feeling all the feels!
An old boyfriend reached out to me the other day too, 
just to see how I was, it made me feel so very loved.
It sparked a long chain of emails reflecting on the things we miss, and how it sucks.

** The Barren is currently enrolled in a songwriting class and is finding great joy from that. His mood is vastly improved when he finishes each class. He has been writing and I now find him researching music theory and deep in word thought.


Mali said...

I'm glad that The Barren is enjoying his course. Is there something you could do that might take you out of your head at the current time. Yay for facetimes with besties. We need these. I'm zooming tomorrow with a friend who is isolating on her own in DC.

It would drive me crazy (probably literally) if I was following all the rules and doing everything to get this over sooner, and was surrounded by people ignoring the rules, and dragging everything out. Sending hugs.

Turia said...

Here from Mel's Roundup. I'm north of the border and the news from your country is like the worst kind of train wreck. I'm so sorry. I am a stringent rule follower too and I'm frustrated by the people around me who seem to think we can all go back to normal now that our numbers are low and our stores are reopening. I hope for better news for you all sometime soon (and not just in November).