Your Body Hates Itself

 With my most recent visit to the ER, oh yes there has been another...

The Barren was away and so I took myself at 4:30am. As I sat on the ER bed, with multiple band aides from missed pokes for blood and IV, holding back tears from frustration and discomfort and trying my best to keep a brave face I texted my brother to let him know where I was.

He in turn came the distance and kept me company as I waited to find out what the newest test results were and to be happy to learn my appendix was still okay, but my Crohns was still busting my intestines up like a rock star in a hotel room.

When the doctor came into the room to explain that things were the same as my last hospital stay a month earlier, and they were increasing the steroids and I needed to contact my doctor about changing medications as my infusion drugs were not working.

My brother asked why this was happening? The doctor looked at me (like, you wanna tell him?) and then turned to my brother and said "her body hates her" Then smirked and said he was off to call in the new prescription. My brother was kind of shocked and then I explained how my autoimmune disease is attacking me and is being extra aggressive at it. With a better understanding he and I were discharged and he walked me to my car with the overnight bag I had packed just in case. I arrived home shortly after The Barren, who had driven 6 hours to get home to me. The next couple of weeks were filled with calls to insurance and pharmacies and now I am on a new drug. 

My bestie texted that she needed to see me and that she bought a ticket to see me. It made me cry and feel MASSIVELY touched, special and awkward about the attention...but I was looking forward to a mellow weekend with her.

It also just happened to correspond with me stopping the newest round of steroids while maintaining the new medication, another bump so to speak. The Barren was once again booked to be away for a week and I thought it a good idea to not be alone. She arrived on the afternoon after I awoke with mild discomfort...and as the weekend progressed I was more guarded with my abdomen. 

She had all the energy in the world! We went to as many thrift stores as we could handle and I barely ate or rested the whole visit. I had arranged for a massage for us both, something I try to do when we see each other (as it only happens a couple times a year) and I quickly realized that my abdomen was quite tender, so I could barely lay face down for mine.  I think I hid it well, she talked about how amazing hers was 💓 we ate afterwards and when we got home I told her I really needed to lay down. She snickered a little and then we said goodnight and as I was crawling into bed I could hear her snoring from the other room 😏

The next morning I made homemade waffles and we chatted a bit before I needed to shuttle her back to town...on the way she asked if we could hit a couple more thrift stores...which we did and I found a couple things and after dropping her off. I was glad to give her a vacation and she was quite relaxed when I drove her back, prepared to deal with her parents and the 6 hour drive home.

 I drove in total silence on the way home. 

I collapsed into a HOT bath and bed after feeding the cats. I was so touched she came to see me, it is rare we get that much time together anymore without partners injecting themselves into our activities or plans...she had a lot on her mind and we had space to talk it out. In the end, though...

I was left exhausted, in discomfort and spun.

I spent the following day in bed with a heating pad, when I woke up I considered calling my doctor who was on call all weekend, but I reminded myself that things were gonna be bumpy...I sat and spoke to the little scared girl in me. Spoke directly to my brain and we had a long conversation.

I moved slowly, put on a new pair of thrifted super soft, loose bright orange pants (like a traffic cone) and only left the house to water my garden and get some melon from the market.

This morning with the help of a heating pad I am feeling better, not perfect but better and I know tomorrow will be another step away from bad.

The fundraising art exhibition I worked hard to get into opens Thursday, so I am focusing on feeling good for that so I can stand and be social for hours! 

This disease has taken advantage of my good nature, my kind soft edges and run me over repeatedly. 

I am actively fighting the depression that accompanies pain.

I am trying hard to flip the script with my brain and focus on how hard my body is working, how thankful I am that my body keeps showing up for me. How strong it can be and how it is able to rest and heal.

I am not allowed to travel (according to my gut doctor) I am too fragile, and that hasn't sat well in my heart...but I understand it. So when The Barren takes a BIG international trip for work later this year, I will be at home...focusing on my stillness, healing and hope that the next one I will be holding his hand the whole time.

Shake the disease

 So it has been a shit couple of weeks. 

More than normal kind of shit.

I landed myself in the ER and had to stay overnight in the hospital.

 

I had some mild tenderness in my lower right side and my gut doctor told me that if that ever happened get myself to the ER right away. So after a couple of days of trying to figure out if it was a pulled muscle, a tender ovary or what, it got more tender and I went at 5am to the ER. 

I was taken back right away, and then it all became a flutter of activity and I did everything in my mind to remain calm. The Barren was with me and I am thankful for that. It was the first time doctors assumed I was in pain, and I kept having to tell them that I wasn't, that it was tender. One doctor even said " we as men would never be able to deal with the pain women deal with daily, and I just want to make sure you are not in any pain" I think that is when I stopped processing reality. 

After a change of nurses, IV placement, starting some antibiotic drugs and taking blood- 6 members of a  surgical team came in all at the same time as a second doctor. When I heard surgical team, The Barren said my heartrate rose quickly and my blood pressure sat higher. I think there were 7 people in the room all asking questions and telling me things and it was like a tsunami of information was closing in on me. The surgical team determined that I didn't need surgery, but wanted to keep me overnight to make sure I would respond to treatment. The doctor said the same...I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

My autoimmune disease was in a flare and it is right next to my appendix, so they wanted to make sure they knew what was flaring. thankfully my little appendix is holding steady 💓

I got assigned a room, and moved out of the ER. As they were taking me there, they mentioned that it was the maternity floor so there is lots of extra security. The irony was another brick to a surreal day. I got my own room, with open bright windows. My nurse came in to ask me a bunch of questions, and then let me sit in quiet to process.

The Barren went home to get me a change of clothes and my HRT drugs and glasses.

I sat in my room alone for a while, quietly crying, sitting in the strangeness of the morning that had unfolded. A whirlwind of people, drugs, questions....

 What had just happened? What was happening? over the course of the next few hours I was visited by another four doctors and surgeons asking the same questions, pushing on my tummy and asking how much pain I was in. I only insulted one surgeon by asking questions he couldn't answer and then as he left he said, I'll see you in 5 years, and I said..." for what?!"

Then my gut doctor arrived and The Barren was there, and we got everything explained and I was empowered with information and soothed knowing I had come in at the right time, done the right thing and that my immune system was too smart for my infusion drugs it seems. Blood work would determine it...I still had options and ways to treat and ideally avoid additional issues. 

A new level of learning had taken place, I was confident in knowing what was happening, and could explain it to others. That made me feel better and seen and thankful.

I was moved again to the top floor of the hospital for my overnight room, and had a view of the coast and a couch and was still solo. The Barren was so flustered and freaked out, he kept a brave face though... The hospital didn't know how to feed me, so The Barren brought me a couple things from home in a cold chest. We had eaten most of the food from home as this was the weekend before we had to leave for the fumigation...The Barren focused his attention on packing what I had not gotten to yet. 

My overnight was strange, and I tried to reframe it in my mind as a messed up hotel stay, or think of it as a hostel stay from decades ago. Never knowing when a person would join you in the room or what those sounds were. I didn't sleep much, I was anxious and the bed mattress is covered in plastic, so I spent a good part of the night sweating and tossing, trying to not bend my IV arm and fighting restless leg. I knew the nurse was coming in at 11:30 to give my steroids and so I set a alarm to wake before that and avoid being startled awake, and then again before her 5am vitals check. The early morning wake up worked well for me, as I treated it like I was getting up for yoga, I drank water, I got out of bed and washed my body with a washcloth and changed my clothes. I had time to sit in front of the big window and watch the sunrise slowly....in fact because I was out of my bed at 5:30 when the group of women from surgery arrived they were confused who I was. I got up from the couch and said "it is me, I'm the patient " and I walked over to the bed and sat down for them to ask their questions and then confirm that they were going to release me from their watch/surgery standby list. I thanked them and told them as lovely as they are, I don't want to see them again. They appreciated my humor and were glad to recommend the release. They were followed by a line of doctors who were astonished by my nature and were happy to declare/recommend that I was too healthy to be in the hospital for another day longer. My gut doctor arrived around 10am to have a detailed conversation with me and it was actually quite validating to have a doctor explain why and what he was concerned about, how we can move forward with other medications if needed, but that the blood work will take about two or so weeks to get back as they were sent to a remote lab that does the special testing required to get answers. I told him that if I wasn't an artist, I was going to be a doctor. That I was obsessed with microscopes as a kid and still have mine, but I realized it was actually a tool to view light and that it makes sense now that I am a photographer. He shared how he has always been into illustration and we talked about his graphic novel that he drew in medical school to remember drugs, interactions and reactions. It felt like an honest real conversation and I thanked him for empowering me with true knowledge, not speaking in a derogatory or dismissive way to me about my disease and having patience for my questions and always looking for answers for me. It was something I really admired and trusted him for. He was touched...and felt that although most people stay in the hospital longer when transitioning to steroids he felt that I had a true sense of what I needed to be aware of, look out for and was comfortable releasing me a day early to my own best care.

I was in the car with The Barren at 1:30 that afternoon headed to get some food to bring home.

I ate and took a nap and the following day I resumed tasks for moving things for the fumigation. A friend came over to help move my patio plants down our stairs and across the way and ended up moving a few before hubby couldn't find a cat* and then the whole thing stopped and never really started again until I had finished moving the patio plants myself, and digging up my front yard myself to move those plants to a friends home via a truck. Over the next couple days and into the week following, I did more than I should have, but I measured myself, took moments of rest and focused on eating well and drinking more water than normal. It has been non stop and yesterday was the first day I made space for myself to simply focus on a monumental art project that is due in one month. I ended up being exhausted yesterday and although I spent it not doing anything real for the project, I let myself rest....

Today I gathered some supplies and started to plot out ideas. I am going to do my best...and focus on simply making things that make me happy. Re-centering the goal. 

I am learning something new everyday about how strong I am, how tenacious I can be, how soft I can also be and sometimes I just need someone to tell me I didn't do this to myself. The little girl in me is feeling like she needs some reassurance that she isn't bad or being punished for something she did that she doesn't remember. I had a lot of quiet time in that overnight, and this past week, where I reflected on all the past medical trauma I have survived and how it makes me when I am around doctors and in medical environments. Infertility made me an advocate for myself, and my love of science made me question and look at things deeply....now I have to combine them and learn how to live with these autoimmune diseases in a way that make sense to me.

*the cat was found, she was watching us run around looking for her and made no attempt to assure us. Typical cat move.

Call Me

 

Shit is real

I have found myself on more than one occasion staring off into space.

Trying to figure out where the ground is, as everything seems to be floating in zero gravity.

I decided the days after the election, that I would spend time everyday calling my representatives and so far it has stuck.

I have an app on my phone that gives me scripts and direct lines to their Washington DC offices. Only one of my three actually have people answering phones, so the other two get multiple emails from me personally and then multiple emails via resistbot and robo emails.

Then I try and find things to do that distracts me from reality....I am also going to be attending some training on other facets, to see if it is something I am best suited for.

I am sickened in new ways everyday about HATE, RACISIM and MISOGYNY

I do not refer to the humanoids that have taken power as anything other than 

rumpled foreskin and the frat bois. 

I am truly at a loss for reason to be any kind of sympathetic to anyone who has chosen this.

I have drawn my line.

We are currently getting rain and it is the perfect scapegoat for me to stay home and doing other distracting tasks like organizing, rearranging and thinking of new art to make. Mostly what I have done is cook soup, move piles of tax paperwork and feel overwhelmed.

I visited my parents yesterday. My fathers psychology notes mentioned that he was considering leaving treatment, so I went to chat with him and ask why. He mostly was defensive and didn't want to bother anymore. I used reverse psychology and his love of self to remind him how much he loves the personal one on one time to talk about himself and that he is always saying that he wants to be a better person. These were opportunities for him to learn how to communicate better for himself and explain with words what was bothering him instead of just shutting down. My mother is supposed to start mental health treatment too, finally.

When I phoned today to see if he could recall our conversation from yesterday or even my visit, it took some prompts but maybe my words worked. I think he feels like this is his idea and that might make things continue to move forward.

I saw a friend yesterday, and they were taking photos. When they showed me a couple they had taken of me they said "you are always looking tired these days"

The Barren and I are trying to tie up some loose ends with legal documents so that we can get them off our plate and mind. Things here in the US are unfolding in unpredictable ways and we are trying to make decisions while watching people chase laser pointers and claim they are real space lasers.

So to recap, I make phone calls...loads of calls

many of which feel like I am screaming, politely, into a void.

I am calling my ancestors, asking for guidance; asking for a path though, as my generational trauma bubbles to the surface of my dreams and thoughts...

I feel at times like life is eating me up...and I am constantly pulling myself out of its mouth and reclaiming a moment of quiet or space or peace.

I do hope that something is brighter and beautiful where you are

Winter

The month is rolling by quickly...and I am thankful that I have survived the thanksgiving holiday event.

The Barren and I went on a road-trip for a week to visit family. We started what we knew was going to be a challenging week with an over night at my besties. They fortified us with laughter and smiles to carry in our pocket before heading into the eye of the storm. That was a highlight for me. 

The motivation for me was to focus and make sure The Barren got time with his father, even though the reason we were gathering was for my BIL who has stage four cancer and is currently on drug trials and under medical care.

The setting was not ideal, you see, he, his wife and their teenagers (nephews) are also some of the many people who voted for the orange IDIOT and is proud about it. He had stated in the past that he was never offended by the confederate flag, or the nazi symbols. Feels women are here to serve men, and that his god is the only god.

So as you can image I was quite conflicted about my feelings; wanting to be compassionate as they are living in a cancer world but also red hot rage at what they believe and live in. I was fearful and upset about being asked to sit at a table with him and his wife and teenage son. I used to have actual nightmares as a teen about nazis breaking down my door and the idea of sitting at a table with them was A LOT to try and digest. So in my typical lemons to lemonade thinking...I turned love towards my hubby as I knew he wanted to see his father and Aunt, as he fears that this might be one of the last times to visit with them. We made a point to try and spend as much time as possible with them. Hubby was able to play music with him and simply take in all that his father is. 

It was punctuated with some bittersweet reminders, as our MIL is quite a handful of needs and is almost completely overtaken with Autism, ADHD and mental health struggles. She is chronically late and was towing two dogs with her. One of which could barely use its back legs and was often left for hours and hours alone. Making for accidents in the rental house...and heartbreak to witness. It took her three hours to pick a wine from Trader Joes while the rest of us sat waiting for her to arrive to a pre-thanksgiving evening. Finally canceling dinner together.

When we all gathered for the meal, my MIL was already multiple hours late, I was so anxious, I found myself masking like a champ! My current food situations made this food centric "holiday" even more challenging for me. Everyone was asking questions and I wanted to evaporate. At one point I walked up to my SIL and whispered in her ear to "please stop asking about what I can or can't eat, the constant questions make me very anxious about food" She stopped and I was left alone by her for the most part.

I manifested a bit of Shosanna from Inglourious Basterds and hid behind my camera and took photos and did not make eye contact with my BIL. When asked questions directly, I avoided eye contact. 

I was a swirl of emotions and feelings and by the end of the night, I got in the car with my hubby and shut down completely. We left before dawn the next morning, spending the first few hours in silence. Not completely sure how we felt about anything. When I got home I cried and told The Barren that I wasn't brave enough. I should have stood on the table and condemned their racist, sexist actions. I was a fool to my ancestors and was just really disappointed in myself.

I haven't spoken to my SIL or BIL since thanksgiving night and don't expect to hear anything from them unless they want something. Which is how they normally are. 

I have been out of sorts since, but have been actively working on getting back into my stream.

Do you ever feel a whole body shift? Like you need to purge everything you have been doing to start anew? Maybe that is what I am feeling...

Maybe I am about to wrap myself up and become something else.

I got a space at a community garden, I am spending time there, sticking my fingers into the dirt and feeling the wetness on my skin. I am overwhelmed by the number of shifts that have taken place this year. My parents, my health, The Barrens stress, the responsibilities of home and animal companions, trying to make time for time with other people and myself....

I think I need a nap, maybe I am a bear and need to hibernate and awake in the spring hungry and hopeful again.

...deep fear

 I didn't sleep much last night.

When I closed my eyes I had visions of dodging cannon balls and trying to stay afloat in a disney park ride. I tried to self soothe overnight, saying things will look different in the morning...this is all going to be better...my techniques did not work.

I awoke to a literal nightmare...55% of Women and 40% of men nationwide voted for the MOST QUALIFIED candidate historically. My county is far more republican, racist, sexist and stupid than I knew and although everyone I know voted for Kamala, it didn't do anything except break millions of hearts.

I was in tears for hours and then decided to get dressed and leave the house for a few moments and do an adult task in a nearby town. As I was driving home I got an emergency alert on my phone: 

EVACUATION ORDER: YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD IS NOW UNDER AN EVACUATION ORDER DUE TO A FAST MOVING BRUSH FIRE. PLEASE EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY

I was only two miles from home and raced the rest of the way, grabbed a few things, corralled the cats into a bathroom and texted my neighbor asking if she got the same text...she lives 50feet from us and she did not, nor had any other neighbor a few blocks from me, 

I was convinced it was a cruel action on the part of the universe. Hubby came home after hearing my voice rattled and filled with fear, breaking under the constant pressure and stress. He came home and said in a calm voice, take this and lets pack a few things. I took the offered half xanax and have been packing things into my car calmly and the cats are hiding in the same room as me as I write this.

The last evacuation I was awoken from sleep and told to leave now, and we only had the clothes on our backs, our cats and laptops. It was a mess and now the sky has fire colors and thick smoke and the fire bombers are due to arrive in the morning…until then I am getting live updates about its movement as the night passes. I finally ate something only because I knew it was needed for brain activity. I am beyond heartbroken, broken and so so mad. I am not looking forward to the trip to visit family, as the person we are traveling for is a Christian fundamentalist who is celebrating today. And I am struggling to find any empathy/ sympathy or a crumb of kindness towards the family who all feel this was a golden move. The Barren told me to try and think of them as brainwashed…he is not looking forward to it either but I guess in a way to honor Kamala, when they go low we go high, right?!? Well, it isn’t working yet…and I am nowhere near close to okay about anything.

I vote 2024 as the most painful, horrible no good year. 

The Quiet

 It is quieter than normal today...

it is election day, the polls are open, the postcards have been sent, the calls have been made, the hopes are running at an all time high.

I, along with EVERYONE I know are waiting. Our stomachs are filled with acid, our nerves are burned, we are all exhausted, there is so much anxiety you can feel it in the air. 

My bestie and I exchanged texts this morning recounting what we are doing to pass time and not look at the news or think or hope. 

I woke up this morning, and before much thought, found myself doing 108 sun salutations trying to honor the energy I wanted to focus towards the day. Saying over and over President Harris.

I feel too many feels, thinking too many thoughts...

we wait

Keeping Score

The Barren has been isolating in our bedroom-bathroom combo since Sunday last week. We are wearing masks indoors and sleeping in them. I am on the opposite side of our 1000 sqft home with the cats and the kitchen and access to the patio. I have been washing my hands so much that the skin between my fingers has cracked open. I have raw spots on the tops of my ears from the straps of the KF94 masks, 

Wednesday The Barren started to feel less overwhelmed with Covid symptoms and was in a cheery mood. Then around 7 pm he said he didn't feel well. It slide quickly and extremely into him screaming in agony. He sat in that pain for four hours before I said, that is it we are going to the ER. 

We ended up going twice in less than 12 hours. The first was blood, urine and a CT scan. The second was blood and an Ultrasound and more effective non-narcotic drugs.*

If you are keeping score, that is COVID, and 2 ER visits, 1 hour of sleep in 36 hours and no food. When we returned home, the Barren went to sleep and I slowly fed myself and sat outside while the sun began to set and dissociated. So that was one WEEK! 

He remains COVID positive and I remain COVID negative.  He is quite blue today, which completely makes sense and I am trying hard to keep a stoic face and the mood floating. Suggesting silly conversation topics and encouraging a micro masked walk, which ended in him being winded, but glad for the time outside the house.

I can honestly say I see how it was for him all these years. Witnessing me in pain, from endo and my own gut issues. I feel the same helplessness, and the fear of being too far away in case I am needed at a moments notice. I think it unlocked a new level of our relationship. When I was suffering, I was only really able to view it from my vantage point, seeing how he stood by and supported me with gentle touch and his presence. I am not even able to touch him, I sat outside his room pacing as he was screaming in pain asking quietly, where it hurt and coaching him to breathe. It is was ridiculous. 

I rubbed his back in the ER, and sat beside him in the isolation room the second time. I watched how the doctors treated him and advocated where I could. It has been exhausting and I really have nothing left in me. I think my mallet head for my whack-a-mole fell off and rolled down the street. I am too tired to find it. I am feeling broken and sad. I try to think of this as an opportunity to remake the situation. Blossom like a phoenix or some other stupid cliché...but really all that matters is him and his health. 

On Wednesday night, just as his pain began I got a text that my dear friend went into surgery to remove her kidney as it had developed a concerning lesion. Thank the goddesses, she made it out without complications. Now she waits for those new organs.

As I sat in the sun this morning sending a text to my mediation teacher that I would be missing class and why, I thanked her for her guidance in teaching me ways to calm my mind in stressful situations, mantras for healing not only myself but anyone who needs healing. She replied a reminder to take it one breathe at a time and that we possess the weapons of patience and peace.

* his diagnosis is an inflamed gall bladder with small stones

Tumbled

 

On Feb 25th while showing off his seashell collection to a friend, my father tripped on a brick in the yard and fell, face first, into the concrete patio. He knocked himself unconscious and it took 5-7 minutes to be revived. Rushed to the ER via ambulance, it was determined that he had a brain bleed and was admitted to the ICU with a traumatic brain injury.

He spent 3 days in ICU and then an additional 2.5 weeks in rehabilitation regaining cognition, balance and speech (from brain to body). He was released home on Saturday of last week.

My life has forever been altered and spun out of control

With the exception of two Saturdays (which I stayed home to cook all day) I have been with my mother, as companion, advocate, translator, form filler, appointment maker, therapy coordinator, sounding board, personal chef and coordinator. I am also the main contact for all family to check in and ask for updates and information.

My brother made the 911 call to paramedics, after getting a call from my mother. He maintained calm while trying to revive our father. We work as a team. He has taken on all home alteration tasks, including ripping out and refurbishing their bathroom to make it safer and more accessible, opening walking paths in the yard and adding a rail to the front step, and any home repair that has arisen in the meantime. He is a business owner, so also has maintained his insane work schedule while also trying to be a parent.

We are both still traumatized from our past, when our grandparents lived with us because our grandfather had ALS and then our grandmother developed dementia.

We text each other all day, keeping things wide open in conversation. 

My hubby has held down the fort here, mostly. I have on many a night come home to laundry, meal preparation, and home tasks that were left for me.

I am constantly telling my mother:

People do what they can do. sometimes it is what you hope for, other times it will look very different.

Today I was the villain:

I told my father that he will not be able to renew his drivers license 

I read him his sleep study that showed he had severe sleep apnea, and needs to wear his CPAP with every nap and overnight sleep-time

I was the one who insisted he brush his teeth this morning, and then through my exhausted eyes handed him the wrong tube and he brushed his teeth with anti-itch cream.                                                           (it was remedied, and laughed about, but that doesn't change my mistake)

My father has seriously impaired short term memory now, as well as his balance, and he needs to walk with a walker. He doesn't remember how many times a night he gets up to pee, triggering the bed alarm so he can not go solo. I did an overnight shift on his first night home, staying awake all night to accompany him to the toilet and ideally allowing my mother to sleep, but that proved futile. My mother is a lite sleeper and was involved every time and my father is still confused why he needs the walker or company. He just doesn't remember. It is frustrating when he is angry at the attention, because he doesn't remember the fall or the rehab or the reason he needs a walker or wheelchair. He doesn't remember if he had lunch, or if someone visited him that day. He didn't remember a phone call he made to my brother an hour later.

I am glad to have the flexibility to help, honored in many ways to advocate for them, but I am losing myself in the process of helping and it scares me. 

People do what they can do. sometimes it is what you hope for, other times it will look very different.

I am a zombie.

Fatigue and the new year

Stream of conscience writing-and reflecting

I am here, still here.

Thankfully less frightened than my last post.

******below written at the end of last year******

I gave my artist talk and three people came; well three besides my DH and the social media person that was recording it for the guild.

There were marches all over the city that day, so it was a tough day to get around. The three who came were a guy I went to high school with and his daughter and a friend who were interested in art. It was a nice audience and made for an intimate experience for his daughter to learn about the art making practice.

I had too much chocolate and carbonated water, but it is better to be over prepared than under.

My hubby recorded the talk, as it was requested.

So far 10 people have watched it, and two told me they had a hard time hearing what I was saying.

So it was a learning lesson and an act of presence. 

I did enjoy the act, but the build up was A LOT.

Afterwards we went to a middle eastern restaurant,  and quickly realized we were a minority, as the place filled with protesters and we were watched quite closely the whole time. I think I asked hubby a couple times if food was on my face as I was getting so many stares.

It was tough, and heartbreaking and only a few days after the kidnapping and so my Jewishness was obvious to many.

I returned home to focus on my next task, make new work for my annual submission  for the next big event. No pressure, no stress....no terror.

Hubby got a cold, and I had had my infusion coming up so I slept on the couch for a couple nights so I would not get breathed on all night. I added it to my internal dialogue of "suffering artist" narrative in my mind and after several months of struggling, and working and crying and wanting to burn the whole place down...I created some new work.

It was the most challenging experience to date.

I submitted work a day before the deadline and walked away knowing that I had tried everything in my power and wheelhouse to create something new, unique and that I loved.

The Barren planned an anniversary getaway for us...and it was 10000000% needed and a complete surprise. We celebrated 21 years married and 31 together this year. We went to the desert and a very nice hotel...there was a soaking tub on our private patio where we took turns soaking by a fire, we got a massage and had a fancy dinner out. Mostly we got quiet, a reprieve from our own thoughts and reality.

*****

After the return from the desert, I was faced with another wall of stress...

which had me dealing with the logistics of switching pharmacies that 

 supply my infusion medicine. I spent a month trying to get one office to submit a signed document. The delay was so prolonged, it delayed my medicine for an additional 10 days, which doesn't sound like a lot until you factor in that I get this medicine monthly. I ended up going to the office personally, twice with a copy of the document, the line highlighted in hopes to get it resolved. The second trip was the keystone, and I broke down into a waterfall of tears when I had the signed/faxed document in my hands. 10 days after my medicine was due, I got a needle in my arm.

I was so absolutely spent from the process, I had broken down multiple times with people on the phone. I lost my shit, I apologized for it and then grabbed my bootstraps and took care of business.

I sat in disbelief for a couple days afterwards, not really saying anything and just staring into space.

The new year opened with a rescheduled MRI after The Barren had taken the day off to support me, and showing up at 7am to have it. Someone changed he date and location and neglected to inform me. I showed the front desk person the confirmation, but told them I understood that didn't change anything, so please just tell me where and when I am supposed to show up fasted and ready to drink insane amounts of contrast fluid. I go Tuesday now...3 weeks later.

The December art show was well attended and my work sold in the first two hours of the opening. Another of the works I had submitted for the show was selected for a separate exhibition which is open now. That was a lovely happy response to all the stress and sorrow of the prior month.

Now I am in a holding pattern again, trying to refill my energy reserves and start making work again. In the meantime, life has laughed at me over and over, delivering tasty tidbits of stress and worry. 

I start to wonder, is this what my 50's will be,? 

I know the world is an absolutely chaotic place and there is so much horrible outside my door; it sometimes feels like I am being a glutton for punishment when I wake up everyday...greeting the day and thinking of all the best for the time ahead....and even if I am beaten down over and over again, I still greet the next day with hope for something better. Does this qualify as insanity?

A woman I have meditated with for these past pandemic years just found out that she has breast cancer...and when she told me, I was numb. This woman is a peer, she adopted her kids, she is an artist and she had an ultrasound because she was told she had dense breasts and they found over half her breast had cancer growths in it. I was flattened by the similarities.

 I told her that I have been on infusion therapy for the last year and when I started I didn't want to be seen as a sick person. So, in an effort to not say "you are in my thoughts" I told her that I will focus on her making all the best choices for herself, and being given many options and strength to do what aligns best for her goals. I rethought about that encounter many times over, and feared that I had diminished her experience. 

I am finding myself at a loss for many of life's most difficult moments.

What is wrong with me?

Fear and sadness

***trigger warning-FEAR HATE****

Stream of consciousness writing

I am trying really hard to keep my shit together. I feel like it is harder than normal.

I am shocked and terrified, these are the closest words to wrap around the unthinkable... by what has happened in Israel...and the response that will continue to punish the innocent people of Palestine.

I ingested too much news, a thing I haven't done since the election.

I can't read accounts, I am dizzy and sick to my stomach and scared...I haven't been scared in a long time about being Jewish. The anti-Semitic chants, and behavior and actions and silence in the face of it all is a lot to try and process.  

I used to have nightmares on the regular as a teenager of SS soldiers busting down my bedroom door while I slept, while I hid, while I shook...I'd awake in a sweat and was too afraid to share what haunted me. Maybe it was generational trauma...but it changed me. 

I have that same fear today, I read something about a day of death to all Jews tomorrow. I told The Barren that I am frightened and that our door is marked so we are extra easy to find. I sound insane, but it is a real fear...

I have my first real artist talk in a major city Saturday, and I am trying to prepare for it, but I am frightened...I want to be professional and brush aside fear, so I am writing here in hopes to unload some thoughts and clear my mind to think more clearly.

I feel lost, and confused and scared and unsettled.

I went through my jewelry this morning and found my childhood star of David, I used to wear it a lot when I was younger until I got comments and questions about my Jewishness. I am far from a practicing Jew, but have always been proud and aware of my Jewishness and how complex that was.

Today while making a medical appointment, the person asked where I was from to have such an unusual name...I said Eastern Europe. It hit hard.

Today I am simply a human, a person trying to make sense of the upcoming senseless killing, the senseless hate, the senseless pain for so many people.

I have woken up multiple times this week and looked at the outside of my building fearing there would be hate graffiti on it...it makes me feel insane...it is like all my hairs are on end...

Krampus

 

In order to make my latest adventure to the ER more manageable and less scary...I thought about what this flare might have looked like, what kind of personality did it have and I came up with this.

Big Flamboyance

I was up at 1:30am awoken with stomach tightening, that turned into a 12 hour saga of regular contractions and wave of nausea making all fuel leave my body, and leave me unable to form thoughts, drink water or even cry. That alone wouldn't get me to the ER, it was the pain in my lower abdomen that got me there fearing it was my appendix. Thinking the worse of the worst scenarios. 

Well, lucky for me, there was a lonnnnnnnnng wait to get a room in the ER. Our local hospital only allows the patients in the ER waiting room, having their companions wait in a separate section of the hospital until a room is assigned. The Barren was near but not with me while we waited for 3 hours to get a room. During that time, the ER filled with sick babies, lots of sick babies that sounded like seals barking. People having seizures and others puddled moaning in the chairs. I meanwhile was seating curled into a in fetal ball trying to not think about how much I was feeling past trauma, how I just wanted to go home, hold The Barren's hand and how silly I felt being there. (reduce yourself to make space for others much?) 

The Barren meanwhile was in the perfect spot to see all the new parents leaving the hospital with their babies in tow. So he was having just as much fun.

I think it was hour two, when I remembered I was just learning a healing mantra in my meditation class. I started trying to remember the words, I forgot some, then remembered them, then jostled the order, but I figured if I got any of them wrong it was still a good thing...I was focusing my breathing and mind on something that wasn't my pain, fear, or embarrassment.

Om tare tuttare ture mama ayru punye janana pushtim kuru soha

White Tara healing mantra

*****

At the three hour mark, I was called into a room and The Barren was ushered in separately. I met the doctor for a hot second, he determined that based off my blood and urine, it was not a blockage, rip or my appendix. I was given a cup of water to see if I could drink water again, anti-nausea drugs and IV fluids. The nurse, who was a totally cool dude with pink on the ends of his long hair, said that he believed what I was experiencing was peristalsis and because I was slightly dehydrated, I most likely could feel it more than normal. Then he unloaded some other cool facts like, the smell and taste I experience when the line is flushed before I get my infusions is actually genetic, and not everyone has that ability, and it is actually the blood flowing through my olfactory...anyways it was pretty cool. I got a call from my GI doctor right after the IV of fluids was placed and he called in a prescription for more anti nausea medication. (I was super thankful he was a rockstar like that).....this new diagnosis has a steep learning curve, and what I was experiencing was a flare. There is really no known causes for them, and it takes practice to learn the cues of one coming. So ideally I'll be fortified knowing mine tend to last for 24 hours and then subside, but can hurt like a mother when they are here.

When the IV was done, I felt re-booted and went home to shower and eat two tablespoons of sweet potato and go to bed. 

As I was eating said sweet potato, I asked what the date was and it was the 5th! The 5th of December....and I realized just then, that I had been battling the KRAMPUS....and I won.

Forked

 

I'm exhausted

I have made it to the other side of the constant testing, I think.

The harrowing MRI turned out fine, nothing bad found, no new information.

So for the record, these MRI's are crappy ways to spend $100 at a time.

anyways, that part seems to be done.

I had my annual check in with my GP physician yesterday, I was assigned a new one.

When she entered the room she had a long list of notes on me as she had reviewed my record...kind of.

I spent most of the appointment watching her chart my current situation.

She asked a couple questions, I didn't have to have a pelvic because another department does those now and when she started telling me about my dense breasts, I told her I pay outta pocket for those ultrasounds too. I was overwhelmed...

I do know that at one point I said that "this was easier than my decade of infertility"

 Between you and me, I was still quite overwhelmed and feeling traumatized.

She stopped everything, looked at me, dead in the eyes and said:

Are you feeling underwater, do you feel like medication would help?

I was sort of taken aback, I think mostly by how close she was to my face, and the unblinking eye contact....but I said I don't think I am there yet.

She said things like: manage chronic illness and you are a menopausal woman 

If those weren't enough lovely gems from the visit she went on to tell me that she believes I have a secondary disease with my UC/Crohn's 

Hyperthyroidism.

She scheduled me for a bone density exam, I got a breast exam and then it was done.

I got dressed, got three shots and went to my car to cry, again!

I am spun...I am in a land I know, but all my markers are not familiar to me.

I go to all my appointments alone...I am not sure if a parent, lover or friend would have made this any better...but I know I am not okay.

In fact:

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

So here I am a leftover, emotional mess.

Not knowing which direction to turn first.

I did have a good start to the week. 

I am not going to leave this post without sharing good things too.

I met with a curator for the yearly exhibition I am thankful for being invited to for the last 13 years. 

I was juried into it once again, and over the moon about that.

If that wasn't enough, the best part was that I got to show some work in person to the gallery and I will be in another exhibition in March! 

I am scrambling to make a lot more work between now and then.

That was a good thing.

So in between battling some serious self doubt, creative blocks and just straight up sadness I made something of interest. Something unique.

Now, if I can only stop making new diseases for my body!

Loading dose

 

Today I started my first dose of colitis/crohns medication.

I went to meditation this morning and wore a purple bra

(I am a firm believer that purple is a good luck color, well for me it is)

The nurse is nice and will be my nurse from here on out. 

We got the baby question out of the way right at the start with, 

"do you have any children"

to which I said, "no we don't, we just have each other"

The infusion center is in an allergy clinic, so there was a large group of people there to get allergy meds, crying babies and a lot of commotion.

The Barren came with me, and although he looked away when the needle stuff happened 

he was my solid dude 💓

Todays dose is called a loading dose, as they are loading a smaller dose today and then in two weeks I get another dose. I will be monitored for a bit afterwards to make sure I don't have any reactions. The another dose in 6weeks and then 8 weeks...and then I am on the schedule of every 8 weeks.

In between I will be having blood, stool and scans to monitor progress.

The medicine is designed to specifically target my gut, but it still makes me immunocompromised.

I will continue my vegan gluten free lifestyle, for life.

After the infusion we raced home, because The Barren had a work call and then the doorbell rang...

outside my front door was a man holding a huge arrangement of flowers.

My sweet Barren had a bouquet delivered.

The message read:

"this is one crazy ride, but I am glad I am on it with you"

💓💓💓

more tears, but also smiles

Call Me

 So I had another phone call with the Gut doctor.

The Barren sat in on this one and asked questions and together as a trio of overeducated people,          we made a decision for moving forward.

My diagnosis was laid out before me, and three options (with some variances) and I made the best decision I could with the information available to me and my physician.

I have another MRI ahead of me, this is to confirm that another horrible is not lying in wait.

Meanwhile, at the same time, there are people working on getting insurance approvals for my medicine. I will be having infusions on a regular basis to stop my white blood cells from attacking my body any further and therefore reduce the inflammation of my intestines and further endanger my appendix.

If I get a problem with my appendix it would be an emergency situation because I have an inflamed intestine and surgery threatens my colitis from spreading further. You can't attach damaged sections to damaged sections....I'm like a human Jenga tower. 

I also have Crohn's disease

I am really really really struggling to process all this.

I am trying to put a happy face on, but I am finding that I am missing that overused mask.

I am stressed, scared and really have no idea what to expect. My nature is to find the silver lining of things, like....I am glad this was discovered before an emergency situation. I am hopeful I will feel better and not worse. I am thankful that my already augmented diet will be easy to maintain....

I am also trying really hard to not think of this as an hourglass...

I need to talk to someone about this, as I have not yet shared this with my bestie and brother. My therapist would be scolding me, but I guess in many ways I am not ready to say the words out loud yet. I am still too scared. I am meditating and trying to get more sleep, and get my yoga practice back in line...as I know all these these help manage stress, but I am finding, that even they are coming up lacking.

I want to run, run far away

run back in time, run away to have fun...run away from all this adulting. I want to run away from fear and anger and the ideas of being weak or fragile or unable to be seen as a normal person.

I don't know how to do that yet. I am not able to focus on artmaking as deadline and opportunities are speeding past and I need to grab them...I need to feel pieces of me that don't feel broken or wrong or out of line.

When I was saying my thank you's to the doctor, he said " Don't pin it on your heritage or your past NSAIDs use....your immune system simply got it wrong..... We are going to try and fix that" 

I feel so much, all at the same time...

Sleep Interrupted

 I have night terrors.

I have had some sort of interrupted sleep since my earliest memories. As a child I remember there was a figure in the hallway that I could see from my bed, calling me out of bed and to them. I never got out of bed for it; once they left I would run to my parents bed, shaking and scared. My mother soothed me and lulled me back to sleep next to her. My father had less patience for it, and so I always ran to her side of the bed, or crawled to her side of the bed and slept on the floor next to her.

I have always had conversations with those who are no longer here, in my dreams they would come and bring messages and I welcome those encounters. I sometimes wake in tears from the beautiful feelings that wash over me after those encounters.

My grandmothers and grandfather amongst many others have visited me multiple times. 

I get great comfort from those dreams and encounters.

My therapist always mentioned that my veil between sleep and wake is thin and I travel effortless between them. I agree. I often visit people or places right after falling asleep...

but sometimes things go sideways.

My visits can become nightmares, looping frustrating situations over and over, or scaring me with harm to those I love....and then there are terrors.

Last night I had a whopper.

The scenario is almost always the same, I fall asleep and then...in the darkness I am suddenly aware of someone leaning over me, or approaching the bedside. A robber or a threat of some other nature...

in response I scream, a full lung-filled scream, through the veils, through the layers of sleep and into the darkened room. Shooting my poor darling Barren out of his peaceful slumber and into shear panic.

I am asleep and am often startled awake by the sound of my own voice or The Barren exploding in fear with words or my name.

Last night was a memory of taking a deep breath and screaming...I saw a man in a plaid shirt in our room, on The Barrens side of the bed, terrified that we were in danger I screamed, loud and according to The Barren in a bloodcurdling manner.

I awoke from the sound of my voice and The Barren saying my name.

When I am startled awake, I am shaking, my heart is beating almost too fast for me to process and I am confused, like I have been ripped across time and space. I am left feeling deeply mortified. 

The Barren soothes me and reminds me that I am safe. 

We have done everything we can to resolve this, we have moved the furniture around in the whole house to change the Feng Shui. We have burned sage to clear the energy, The Barren even got hex remover when in New Orleans and we've used that. I have spray to clear the energy I got from an energy worker, I have done meditation breathing, I repeat mantras out loud throughout the day to remind myself "no one in my dreams can harm me or The Barren or our cats or home" 

Sometimes I get a feeling during the day, like darkness is trying to creep in, and I have learned to sense it and say out loud that it is not welcome or allowed in my home or my mind. I have also tried to focus on more of a lucid sleep, where when dreaming I recognize when things are starting to go astray and take control of it so it doesn't scare or frustrate me. I don't watch scary movies, I don't read scary books...this is adding to my stress. I am afraid of falling asleep or scaring my beloved again.

I am still quite shaken from last nights event, and The Barren is currently taking a nap as it took a while for us to relax, I think The Barren was also expecting a knock on the door from the police or a worried neighbor. Thankfully neither happened.

Do you have nightmares, or terrors? What do you do to make things better?

I'll write about other things, but this is taking the most real estate in my mind right now and I wanted to get it out and say my mantras in type and aloud in another dimension.

Gone

 Let me start with this....

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK

I had a CT scan scheduled for 9am on Friday morning, I had drunk a container of barium the night before and was staying away from social media to try and calm my growing list of fears, as I drank the second container.

I had been in my in doctors office on Thursday morning with The Barren 

because I was on the floor, folded over in pain. 

I had STAT bloodwork done, a STAT ultrasound done 

because they didn't know what was causing the pain. 

Things I feared were causing the pain

impending DEATH

ectopic pregnancy (even though I haven't bled since December of 2020)

infertility trauma has trained me well

bleeding ulcer

ruptured appendix

At the hospital, I was trying to calm myself while I waited for CT tech and I heard the receptionist say

 " did you hear? they overturned Roe V Wade"

(she mentioned it quite casually, like, hey I brought a sandwich from home for lunch today)

My mind begun to spin, I went totally numb.

As I laid on the CT bed, and the nurse tried MULTIPLE times to feed an IV into my arm I thought, what the hell is happening right now?!

The scan went on and I was syrup sweet to everyone because they have all lived through years of trauma treating stupid non mask wearing people.

I got dressed, took a selfie in the bathroom and made it back to my car to collapse into a puddle of tears.

I was too scared to move really...I felt lost under water and unable to see where the bubbles were going.

I texted The Barren that the test was done, and I was headed home.

There was road work and delays and as I sat in waiting lines, I screamed.

Screamed deep, guttural, primal screams.

I wanted the men in the work tractors outside my car to hear my rage

I wanted birds to fly off course

I wanted to be free 

I was terrified for the women suddenly stuck in line, suddenly without options suddenly trapped. I screamed in hopes to blast open walls, I screamed and screamed and screamed to empty my lungs of all air, I screamed until I thought I would pass out. 

Then the line of cars began to move and I sat silent in my car the remainder of the trip  like I had pulled all the air out of the space... until parking at home.

I had lost my voice; literally and physically.

My arm hurt, my throat hurt, I was scared to eat, I was scared to move.

I drank a glass of water and then I don't remember what I did....

I had visions of people shooting the justices (there is a new open carry law) in restaurants out of grief,  because their partners died unable to get an abortion for their ectopic pregnancy.

I went DARK DARK DARK and that scared me.

I got text messages from a couple friends, I sent a couple text messages telling friends I loved them.

I skipped out on a night out watching The Barren play music, and instead stayed home and cried.

The result of this has left the men in my life confused and feeling useless. I love them but I don't think they understand the depth this radiates in my sense of self.

I live in a state that has protected the right to abortions and is aiming to add it to our constitution:

"On Friday, Mr. Newsom signed a bill to shield California abortion providers from liability or prosecution related to out-of-state bans on abortions. He also announced an agreement with Gov. Kate Brown of Oregon and Gov. Jay Inslee of Washington to establish a West Coast abortion firewall that would protect providers and patients from the legal reach of other states.

Pending bills would authorize experienced nurse practitioners to perform first-trimester abortions without a physician’s supervision and create a state-administered fund to help underwrite travel expenses for the many women from abortion-ban states expected to come to California for an abortion."

THIS DOES NOT CHANGE MY RAGE

I made donations to abortion aid funds on Saturday and plan to sell some recent photographs as limited editions to raise more funds for Abortion help for people nationwide.

I did a series of self-portraits that I posted on social media and disturbed some friends with their rawness, I was not afraid to be raw, I feel stripped of something...it is a feeling that I can not really put words around, although I am trying here.

I seem to be explaining myself to a lot of men in my life, and hand holding to help them understand why I am acting the way I am. What I am doing is frustrating and I am trying to keep myself from lashing out at the wrong people for the right reasons. 

Has my place in society and my worth changed or shifted now...I know it has for many others over these years and it is painfully punctuated for women of color and trans people. 

What or how are you coping? The WHOLE world sees us and how super fucked up this country is.

I can't form any more thoughts right now...

I wish you strength for your conversations and peace for your quiet moments

no words

 There is no words

I am without a path to navigate this

This is just nightmare on top of nightmare, and then another nightmare.

I wrote about babies dying in school in 2012

HERE

I am not able to write about it again.

I am too overwhelmed and too shattered.

My youngest niece awoke at 3am this morning, feeling out of sorts.

Her mother did what she could to comfort her, then when she woke up for school later today, she proclaimed that she was "sad" and just wanted to be with her Omi (her grandmother)

so her mom called the school and said that my niece was taking a mental health day.

This child has not had two solid years of school yet...

she is just learning how to make friends and play with others.

I am like a string in the wind...totally untethered and lost searching for any connection at this point.

This new year

 It has been a little bit since I've checked in here, 

Well, I check every couple of days and read your blogs, 

but it has been a little bit since I have sat down to write something.

So hello and happy new year

I never got our holiday cards made, and I even missed the chance to make them New Year cards, and now they can not be Valentine cards...so I need to let that rope loose.

I was sitting in my bathroom, after sneezing repeatedly from my nasal swipe home test, looking at this tiny piece of plastic....wondering what will the answer be?!

Anyone else been triggered by this act of home testing?

I was surprised at how quickly this became a flashback to days of yore.

I sat there for 15 minutes waiting, wondering and hoping for a negative so I could visit a friend who had tested that same morning and was also negative.

This is the new weekly normal it seems,

We test ourselves before visiting and then can hug and laugh and share a picnic.

I have been struggling to find a new normal for myself. 

A new studio practice, a new routine, a new self. It has come to my attention, that home chores are now a predominate part of my week. I sit in my workspace daily: often distracted/interrupted with making meals, doing laundry, being a cat entertainer and my anxiety from not making new artwork.

So I have taken to visiting with a friend weekly. I take my camera and shoot film and laugh and try and find a new moment of clarity and less guilt.

The Barren is home during this time, working and stressing and I am off playing with a friend.

It has me feeling conflicted, but The Barren assures me that he wants me to find this time to be creative.

I come home from these visits and either bring home food or immediately hit the ground running to make a meal when I walk in the door, as I am wanting to counterbalance these feelings...

I don't like that I feel this way...

I don't make much money anymore and The Barren is carrying the load. Once again he assures me that he wants me to have space and time to make art, as he feels that is my true calling.

I adore him more than words can describe for this vote of confidence.

I sold almost nothing last year (I just did our taxes) I made $148 from the sale of 3 packs of cards and two prints. So I am clearly not the next breadwinner in this house.

So in exchange I do all the housework, food shopping, laundry, dishes, cooking and dishes.

While still trying to make art, and check into my remote job (it is pretty quiet this time of year)

so that is what I have been doing.

The Barren turns 50 next week, he is feeling low and super stressed. (compounding my guilt)

I booked us an overnight at a hotel in a town about two hours from here. It is supposed to have ocean views and a balcony to watch said ocean.

An overnight means the cats can be left alone without needing a check-in from a third person.

I also sent an email out to everyone I could think of to send birthday wishes so I could put them into one book for him and he could see how special he is to so many people.

They are trickling in slowly, and that has raised my anxiety a little...but I am trying to let it swing in the wind. He will have wishes from a few for sure and I have a crafting project to make.

His best buddy has three concerts for them to attend in the next week. The Barren has been pretty isolated and hunkered down here at home in preparation (really it is social anxiety, and Covid fears)

for the last month! So that has added to his feelings I am sure...

But tomorrow he starts to break free and attend events outside the house.

We have a stack of home tests, and are crazy careful and cautious about masking around people.

So far, it has served us well, as neither of us has gotten the virus.

WHICH IS THE GOAL STILL

On another front:

I reached a milestone, well a touchstone? or a life marker?

I have not had a period in over a year now! 

I am in a whole new land.

I had a follow-up ultrasound to make sure that the polyp, that the GYN gave me while trying to take an endocervical pap was gone, and thankfully it was. All seemed calm on the cervical/uterine front ⭐

So here I am, avoiding going back to the gyn to try again for that same pap.

This new year has been trying and my gosh we are only just finishing up the second month.

I am feeling lonely, but as mentioned I continue to make real efforts to find a social feature outside my home once a week...and I am still doing online art discussion class, and yoga practice (at home) and meditation group (4 people in a HUGE multipurpose room with masks) but the overall feeling is still very isolated and alone. Like a thirst that is unable to be quenched.

Is anyone else feeling this too?

Okay, I am babbling again.

Happy newish year...I'll be back sooner to reflect on some thing or another.

Fire and Death

 I have been wanting to write, 

but I am finding it hard to find a thread of ideas to share...or rant about.

Then I realized so much time has passed since my last post....

so here I am.

************

This post includes a lot of talk about death

************

I have been floating on the surface of life...or sitting deeply in it. I seem to find myself falling deeply into the nuances of the day or shielding myself from them. My yoga studio has stopped conducting classes outside and so we are back inside a studio. I so far am only going to meditation classes in the studio....despite my assurances of safer practices I am still struggling to go back to heated full classes. Instead I practice at home on those days with pre-recorded videos.

A full class use to be, a class of 42 people closed into a room and flowing and sweating and exhaling. Now a full class is 35 in heated classes and 25 in un-heated classes (meditation)

I have attended two heated classes in the studio to check how I feel about it.  I wore a disposable mask all through class, not touching it while sweating my way through the asanas. In one class a guy had a full sweat suit on and I later found out he was training for an MMA match. I am the only one in class that wears a mask: often the only one in the studio, outside doing errands, grocery shopping, farmers market...driving. I am still quite frightened of dying from a virus I am TOTALLY protected from. Even knowing that the vaccine is good against the variants has not dissipated enough of my fear to go mask-less. I have reached out to a physician friend to ask about returning to the hot studio and he said wear a disposable mask, but the chances of me getting virus are reduced as I am vaccinated and if I do get it, it will not be deadly.

With all this "reassurance" I am still hesitant. I believe in science and am currently living a life science forward...but, maybe I just have gotten so comfortable being cautious. A sick new way to control things in my life that are totally uncontrollably random. I am thankful that the people I interact with are both vaccinated and gentle with my feelings about my virus fear/comfort. I would liken it to a monster in your bedroom closet as a kid and your parent comes in, turns on the light, opens the door and shows you that indeed there is nothing to be frightened of. Then they turn around and leave. You are still in that room and that bed staring at the door you heard growling from...and are still trying to process the fear.

My meditation group, about 7 of us, that were super regular at the parks, sitting silently behind masks, in 40 degree mornings or windy hot days...while squirrels rained pinecone down on my head or crows screamed the whole time...anyway one of the members arranged a "closing ceremony" to line up with the Summer Solstice.

We had a fire ceremony

We all gathered and meditated on the fire and what we wanted to let go of. It is always eye opening to hear what other people are thinking...especially people you've shared almost a year with in silence.

Most wanted to let go of worries and family judgements....personal judgements and I sent the judgements of others to the flames.

I have held that hope in the front of my mind since then.

(I wore a sun dress with no bra as an act of this resistance, had bedhead hair at the market and coffeeshop. I am working my way up it seems)

***************

This weekend was a "titty twister" of sorts

I got an email at 7am from a longtime friend (old boyfriend) that his mother passed away. I was in total shock! I have know this woman for 30+ years and even worked with her many moons ago.

She used to gift me photo paper in my super lean days. (I was dating her son then) 

Super sweet woman, last I spoke with her was last year when we exchanged emails so I could mail her handmade masks...It was a real surprise; I knew my friend was going to be super fragile and so I have been checking in on him. On that same day, his longtime (20+year) girlfriend's father was rushed to the ER for a stroke. My brother in law was headed into surgery for lung cancer and when I called my parents to let them know about the death, my mom interrupted me to let me know that they were on the way to the walk in clinic for my father who was having a reaction to a bee sting.

I don't remember doing much other than visiting the cats and coming home.

It was a lot to process.

Does anyone else's life bundle like that? I seem to have days where the space time continuum layer like this...folding one thing on top of the other into a shit sandwich.

Just a few days before I had learned of anther friends parent dying; another person I had know for a long time. She did the flowers for our wedding almost 19years ago.

Is it that time in our lives now...I am SOOOOO not ready for that. I guess we are never really ready to say goodbye to people...but it sux

Today is the anniversary of my grandfathers death. He passed away in 1990. I was sleeping in the bed next to his at the care facility the night he died. In my  twilight sleep I saw him walk down the hall with a friend who was already dead, he waved at me and when I woke up he took one of his last breaths. He had lived/suffered with ALS for too long and it was hard to watch at the end. It took his speech and his mobility and his dignity. I lost my job the next day, as I missed an impromptu company meeting. It was okay, I was being sexually harassed by the owner of the store and it was an easy reason to fire me.

(boy that was a loaded sentence)

Anyway, my grandfather has visited me the least of my deceased grandparents. I can count the times on one hand. I guess we were alright and all that needed to be said was said. I adored him and think about him often...but I must admit as time passes, it is harder to hear his voice or remember specifics about his mannerisms anymore.

Maybe that is what this virus has done...

This virus has made death so much more in the forefront, and common. There are still people in this town that refuse to get the vaccine, and they are  clearly okay being 99% of the deaths from this virus now. Totally preventable. Historically, as the world was growing and changing, death was part of everyday life. People painted it both boldly and symbolically. Memento Mori was everywhere as people were dying so often.

Have we entered a Memento Mori time? We have been so used to a long healthy life now and suddenly as the world all fell to this insane virus, it has become a daily reminder once again.

Building fall, bombs explode, people run into schools with guns, cars crash, people kill each other for shoes or skin color or food.

it is often too much for me to process and I must admit I feel like I need to be an ostrich and run away and hide. I can not bare much more on my nerves and heart.

I guess I can thank my infertility for dulling a lot of my nerves, making me not respond emotionally to horrible things. It takes days, sometimes weeks to actually feel something.

I am trying to return to a "normal" self, but I think I am changed...so massively changed.