...deep fear

 I didn't sleep much last night.

When I closed my eyes I had visions of dodging cannon balls and trying to stay afloat in a disney park ride. I tried to self soothe overnight, saying things will look different in the morning...this is all going to be better...my techniques did not work.

I awoke to a literal nightmare...55% of Women and 40% of men nationwide voted for the MOST QUALIFIED candidate historically. My county is far more republican, racist, sexist and stupid than I knew and although everyone I know voted for Kamala, it didn't do anything except break millions of hearts.

I was in tears for hours and then decided to get dressed and leave the house for a few moments and do an adult task in a nearby town. As I was driving home I got an emergency alert on my phone: 

EVACUATION ORDER: YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD IS NOW UNDER AN EVACUATION ORDER DUE TO A FAST MOVING BRUSH FIRE. PLEASE EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY

I was only two miles from home and raced the rest of the way, grabbed a few things, corralled the cats into a bathroom and texted my neighbor asking if she got the same text...she lives 50feet from us and she did not, nor had any other neighbor a few blocks from me, 

I was convinced it was a cruel action on the part of the universe. Hubby came home after hearing my voice rattled and filled with fear, breaking under the constant pressure and stress. He came home and said in a calm voice, take this and lets pack a few things. I took the offered half xanax and have been packing things into my car calmly and the cats are hiding in the same room as me as I write this.

The last evacuation I was awoken from sleep and told to leave now, and we only had the clothes on our backs, our cats and laptops. It was a mess and now the sky has fire colors and thick smoke and the fire bombers are due to arrive in the morning…until then I am getting live updates about its movement as the night passes. I finally ate something only because I knew it was needed for brain activity. I am beyond heartbroken, broken and so so mad. I am not looking forward to the trip to visit family, as the person we are traveling for is a Christian fundamentalist who is celebrating today. And I am struggling to find any empathy/ sympathy or a crumb of kindness towards the family who all feel this was a golden move. The Barren told me to try and think of them as brainwashed…he is not looking forward to it either but I guess in a way to honor Kamala, when they go low we go high, right?!? Well, it isn’t working yet…and I am nowhere near close to okay about anything.

I vote 2024 as the most painful, horrible no good year. 

Fire and Death

 I have been wanting to write, 

but I am finding it hard to find a thread of ideas to share...or rant about.

Then I realized so much time has passed since my last post....

so here I am.

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This post includes a lot of talk about death

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I have been floating on the surface of life...or sitting deeply in it. I seem to find myself falling deeply into the nuances of the day or shielding myself from them. My yoga studio has stopped conducting classes outside and so we are back inside a studio. I so far am only going to meditation classes in the studio....despite my assurances of safer practices I am still struggling to go back to heated full classes. Instead I practice at home on those days with pre-recorded videos.

A full class use to be, a class of 42 people closed into a room and flowing and sweating and exhaling. Now a full class is 35 in heated classes and 25 in un-heated classes (meditation)

I have attended two heated classes in the studio to check how I feel about it.  I wore a disposable mask all through class, not touching it while sweating my way through the asanas. In one class a guy had a full sweat suit on and I later found out he was training for an MMA match. I am the only one in class that wears a mask: often the only one in the studio, outside doing errands, grocery shopping, farmers market...driving. I am still quite frightened of dying from a virus I am TOTALLY protected from. Even knowing that the vaccine is good against the variants has not dissipated enough of my fear to go mask-less. I have reached out to a physician friend to ask about returning to the hot studio and he said wear a disposable mask, but the chances of me getting virus are reduced as I am vaccinated and if I do get it, it will not be deadly.

With all this "reassurance" I am still hesitant. I believe in science and am currently living a life science forward...but, maybe I just have gotten so comfortable being cautious. A sick new way to control things in my life that are totally uncontrollably random. I am thankful that the people I interact with are both vaccinated and gentle with my feelings about my virus fear/comfort. I would liken it to a monster in your bedroom closet as a kid and your parent comes in, turns on the light, opens the door and shows you that indeed there is nothing to be frightened of. Then they turn around and leave. You are still in that room and that bed staring at the door you heard growling from...and are still trying to process the fear.

My meditation group, about 7 of us, that were super regular at the parks, sitting silently behind masks, in 40 degree mornings or windy hot days...while squirrels rained pinecone down on my head or crows screamed the whole time...anyway one of the members arranged a "closing ceremony" to line up with the Summer Solstice.

We had a fire ceremony

We all gathered and meditated on the fire and what we wanted to let go of. It is always eye opening to hear what other people are thinking...especially people you've shared almost a year with in silence.

Most wanted to let go of worries and family judgements....personal judgements and I sent the judgements of others to the flames.

I have held that hope in the front of my mind since then.

(I wore a sun dress with no bra as an act of this resistance, had bedhead hair at the market and coffeeshop. I am working my way up it seems)

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This weekend was a "titty twister" of sorts

I got an email at 7am from a longtime friend (old boyfriend) that his mother passed away. I was in total shock! I have know this woman for 30+ years and even worked with her many moons ago.

She used to gift me photo paper in my super lean days. (I was dating her son then) 

Super sweet woman, last I spoke with her was last year when we exchanged emails so I could mail her handmade masks...It was a real surprise; I knew my friend was going to be super fragile and so I have been checking in on him. On that same day, his longtime (20+year) girlfriend's father was rushed to the ER for a stroke. My brother in law was headed into surgery for lung cancer and when I called my parents to let them know about the death, my mom interrupted me to let me know that they were on the way to the walk in clinic for my father who was having a reaction to a bee sting.

I don't remember doing much other than visiting the cats and coming home.

It was a lot to process.

Does anyone else's life bundle like that? I seem to have days where the space time continuum layer like this...folding one thing on top of the other into a shit sandwich.

Just a few days before I had learned of anther friends parent dying; another person I had know for a long time. She did the flowers for our wedding almost 19years ago.

Is it that time in our lives now...I am SOOOOO not ready for that. I guess we are never really ready to say goodbye to people...but it sux

Today is the anniversary of my grandfathers death. He passed away in 1990. I was sleeping in the bed next to his at the care facility the night he died. In my  twilight sleep I saw him walk down the hall with a friend who was already dead, he waved at me and when I woke up he took one of his last breaths. He had lived/suffered with ALS for too long and it was hard to watch at the end. It took his speech and his mobility and his dignity. I lost my job the next day, as I missed an impromptu company meeting. It was okay, I was being sexually harassed by the owner of the store and it was an easy reason to fire me.

(boy that was a loaded sentence)

Anyway, my grandfather has visited me the least of my deceased grandparents. I can count the times on one hand. I guess we were alright and all that needed to be said was said. I adored him and think about him often...but I must admit as time passes, it is harder to hear his voice or remember specifics about his mannerisms anymore.

Maybe that is what this virus has done...

This virus has made death so much more in the forefront, and common. There are still people in this town that refuse to get the vaccine, and they are  clearly okay being 99% of the deaths from this virus now. Totally preventable. Historically, as the world was growing and changing, death was part of everyday life. People painted it both boldly and symbolically. Memento Mori was everywhere as people were dying so often.

Have we entered a Memento Mori time? We have been so used to a long healthy life now and suddenly as the world all fell to this insane virus, it has become a daily reminder once again.

Building fall, bombs explode, people run into schools with guns, cars crash, people kill each other for shoes or skin color or food.

it is often too much for me to process and I must admit I feel like I need to be an ostrich and run away and hide. I can not bare much more on my nerves and heart.

I guess I can thank my infertility for dulling a lot of my nerves, making me not respond emotionally to horrible things. It takes days, sometimes weeks to actually feel something.

I am trying to return to a "normal" self, but I think I am changed...so massively changed.

Day 24-The End

91% containment

Nothing will make you feel like more of an adult than dealing with an insurance adjuster. 

The saga has ended now...no more fire helicopters or sirens.

This transition has left me feeling like

I tripped and landed hard into this new reality, suddenly it is all over.

It felt similar when we realized that parenthood was not in our future or lives.

It was a bumpy transition and left me grumpy and relieved and confused.

We have a home, for that I am deeply grateful...and confused still as to how or why our home was spared...but it is time to remove the plastic from all the doors and windows.

The air purifiers are still running, I think now as a security blanket for us.

I finally put the items away that we had taken after coming back on the day after evacuation.

The forgotten precious things:

My wedding ring, a family painting from the 1800's...a photo of our wedding.

This whole process has been scary, humbling and enlightening.  

the hillside across the street as we were evacuating, left and right side obscured by trees
(taken while driving away from our home)

across the street-two days ago

Not only have we been dealing with constant fire and evacuation dreams (I figure this is happening because I was woken from slumber when we got the call to leave immediately)

but The Barren has gotten chest illnesses.

The Barren has been to the walk-in clinic two weekends in a row after since the fire started.

The first visit confirmed walking pneumonia and the second confirmed a secondary bronchial irritation from the smoke and particulates.

We had both been coughing and got stuffy noses after we left...and have been wearing particle masks by day three, but that was not enough to protect us from the constant rain of ash, dust and smoke...

so much smoke.

Now we are to adjust to this new reality.

700 homes lost in our town

so many people have been touched by this fire.

Everyone has a story of the night they had to leave.

I am most touched by the stories that keep coming to light, the good in this town...

the stuff that makes you cry from being so deeply touched in the heart:

* A call went out from a family who lost their home, that they wanted to bring their dog home from the animal evacuation shelter but the fence in the home they were staying in was a little wonky and they didn't have a hammer to fix it. There was someone at their door within ten minutes.

* The fact that donations and volunteers were asked to be halted as there was too much! They had all they could use and then some.

* The firefighters asking to stop giving them food and donations, they had too much

* The local man who didn't know what to do, so he made sifters for people who lost their homes...to help them find precious items that survived

My favorite quote from a local evacuation site for livestock: 

" Don't let that emu out, he is a real asshole and super hard to catch "

Everyone has been gentle with everyone...I see more hugging and listening.

I am finally able to get back to my practice too.

I found that not only had the stress taken a toll on me mentally, but physically.

I was not able to practice as the air quality was horrible for breathing 

and unsafe for teachers to get to the studio.

I was also unable to travel to the town to practice because of the fire activity.

I missed my quiet community of toe touchers.

Home practice is not the same, at least for me...

So here I am trying to adjust, working on readjusting...feeling quiet still

and watching The Barren like a hawk.

I think I will peel a window open today....I am feeling hopeful.

Day 13

my grandmother always said if you feel blue, put on a bright color
She never had to accessorize with a smoke filtering mask

I am currently stress eating popcorn, and sipping CBD tea to stay calm.

We are out of the fires path, and our home is still sealed from outside smoke as the  air purifiers run 24 hours a day.

The air quality will continue to be an issue until we get rain...

which there is no sign of through the month.

This morning the phones started to explode again, this time it is north front; 

where my parents and The Barrens mother lives.

40+ miles from our home.

The police and fire have closed the one freeway that is open to all traffic that is not evacuating.

We have no way to get to my parents or brother and family. 

The Barren has no way to get to his mother.

We are trapped again in a different way.

The Barrens mother would be evacuated first and my parents after that...

this fire has continued to grow to the east and west of us.

Active fire on both sides.

The community to the north of us just had their orders lifted the other day.

A family member from another part of the country asked:

" What does it feel like there? I imagine people are pulling together to help each other, but it must be exhausting"

My response was:

Our town feels sad, the the community has totally come together with pop up relief centers for food water and clothing. The same for the nearby communities.

The community up the coast is ground zero today. The streets are quiet with most people evacuating or packing to prepare to leave at a moments notice. There is also active fire to the East, which is mostly farms and agriculture, so a lot of activity there to get food off the vine and save farms."

I spoke with the few farmers at the outdoor market this morning, and was told again that the field workers were not offered masks to protect themselves from the smoke and ash as they work outside. A friend of of a friend was trying to distribute masks the other day and was kicked out. 

This continues to break my heart and I have been carrying extra masks with me to offer to people I encounter...the homeless community has also been effected deeply in these communites.

We have to look out for those who are overlooked.

Please be extra kind to someone today...

Exhausted

In day 6 of the fires...

We have returned to our home, while our area is still under mandatory evacuation orders. The threat of fire is no longer an issue. The air was cleaner at the time of that decision, from where we had evacuated to. Now every direction has bad air and on some days it has been listed as worse than Beijing.

So...We are home against evacuation orders, but have no cleaner place to go. We have three air purifiers running full blast, have taped up all the windows and some vents and lights, to decrease smoke leaking into the home. The cats are with us and keeping them safe and comfortable is paramount on the list. We feel like cowpokes..

We have electricity, the boil order on our water has been lifted and we are together and working as a united front. 

But boy, I have to admit, I am exhausted. 

I don't sleep all the way through the night, I have dreams about fire overtaking me and my home.

I am worrying about The Barren and his well being, I am worrying about the cats...I wonder how I will be able to get to work next week as the fire is moving in that direction.

I am toasted, stick a fork in me.