Resurface your skin

Thankfully, my unplugging is helping.

Another massive tragedy has hit my town and everyone is reeling and tender.

This came after I was scrolling the local paper for events for the extended weekend and found a mugshot of a man that was often our waiter at a local restaurant. 

In our interactions with him; he was kind, remembered us every-time we visited and had the kind of polite manners I remember we all were suppose to have as kids.

He was arrested for stabbing to death two people he knew. 

I think I am still in total shock about that too.

Then, like a morbid cherry on a fucked sundae, 

 I read about a friend (peer) that I use to work with loosing her husband unexpectedly in his sleep.

I have been doing yoga, 

working in the studio and making meals.

The Barren and I have been spending quiet time together 

and talking about all the scary reality that is hitting us all at the same time.

Parents aging and acting older

What do we want with our lives as we head into older years

Watching kids/nephews/nieces/ godchildren grow

facing responsibilities and taking care of our bodies

it all really sucks

I long for those carefree days of naive bliss

I read somewhere that to help maintain your mental cracks

when you are feeling depressed

overwhelmed and under-prepared

start with thinking about how you want to feel.

It seems quite patronizing but in my mind...I make it into an image.

I imagine a beautiful sun filtered field, butterflies flickering above the tall grass

a soothing breeze and the calm that comes from stepping into that image.

It has been helping me direct the overwhelming feelings into a space I can breathe again in.

I hope that the world has not overtaken you dear warriors

We have been walked over by hopes way too many times already.

Please try and fight to seize the joy that is still yours.

Shower Time

Get this card HERE

It seems Spring sprung and all group of gals is pregnant with babies.

I was invited to a baby shower, for a pregnant family member. 

My first personal thoughts while smiling about the news was:

" oh gosh I hope they don't invite me to the shower" 

I was indeed invited as was my mother and SIL

I spoke to my crying mother on the phone about the invitation 

and asked her what she was crying about?!

( It has been almost a decade since we realized that we were not getting a baby this time around)

She said, "I don't think I can go, 

I mean it was suppose to be you! I am so sad that you never got to do any of this...."

I was really surprised, I mean this came out of left field for me!

I told her that maybe we could go together and leave before they opened gifts...

She told me she was concerned about the silly games...

I told her we would go to celebrate a the family that was becoming a new Aunt and Grandma

...wasn't that exciting?

She said she would think about it.

I then texted my cousin who was one of the hosts and said:

" I am trying to get an answer outta my mom, baby showers are hard for us- so I am trying to get my mom to come for a little bit but most likely we'd leave before gifts, sorry for the delay in responding"

Typing her made my heart beat hard; surprisingly, I felt slightly ashamed and embarrassed at being to emotional.

She wrote back super fast:

"totally understandable and seriously no worries at all if you decide to pass. Most important was just that you know we love you and you are invited, and NO REASON at all to apologize, even in the least bit.

Our mom to be is not a big fan pf attention, so the whole thing is a little strange for her. No pressure, she will not feel any less supported or loved if you choose to skip it"

I called to tell my mom that we had time to make up our minds about where to set limits....

she told me she already said she'd go.

I am still glad I totally put myself out there and owned my reality

Sigh....

That night while feeling confused and spun, The Barren told me he was going to play a benefit concert and was only allowed 1 person to go and see him.

It was on the same day.

I RSVP'd that night that I was not going.

Now I am left with finishing the baby gifts to deliver ahead of the shower

....all handmade

because I am that person.

Sitting and thinking

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently.

Some days it manifests as napping, or seated meditation or wall staring. 

Regardless of its form, I have been doing a lot of reflecting.

I think my rant (previous post) got under my skin...

and seeing it there made me realize I was upset over things that I really don't have space for.

Nor, do I want to have space for...

As I have been aging away from baby-making years, 

I find that the first few years (10 or so) were beyond comprehension painful.

I found depths of sadness I never knew existed.

I almost slipped forever into those places, never to return.

I will never forget those times, although they are years away, they are very close still.

I am thankful for that minuscule/tiny spark in me that said to keep fighting...

keep being a badass, a noisemaker, a warrior.

As I am much farther down that path, 

I am thankful for my bodies ability to heal and recover 

and find new ways to make me fall in love with it again.

I can be okay with turning away from the baby oogling and cooing.

I am okay smiling at toddlers as they give me deer in headlight stares from shopping carts.

I am okay not being Okay with something one day and totally fine with it another.

I am giving myself permission to listen if I want and 

walk away if it don't feel connected with talk of children. 

This last month was endometriosis awareness month

and there was a big campaign on Instagram about it...

people declaring they were or someone they cared about was 1 in 10

people dealing with Endo.

One of the questions asked of the community was:

What gift has your Endo diagnosis given you?

I engaged and said:

 That after my stage 4 diagnosis, I was freed of guilt.

I realized that my infertility reflected nothing I had done wrong. 

I had done nothing wrong

I am practicing in a new yoga studio these days and have pumped up my practice to daily. 

This new studio is closer to home and has a lot of different kinds of classes.

One I take twice a week has been teaching me real meditation skills and I have already found them to be reflecting in my daily routines.*

This last weekend I spent two days cooking for Passover.

I made everything from scratch and we hosted my parents, a new tradition for us.

*The Barren mentioned that I was quite calm, and not frantic like I normally am.

We started this tradition because my mother would be working her tail off of days and when the family came for dinner she never sat and enjoyed the meal herself...for like 45+ years! 

so I make her meal and she and my father sit and enjoy the meal without chaos and distractions and have conversations with us.

This year, I did all the cooking and served a super homemade meal...

My father was not impressed

He didn't like most of what I made and told me so.

*I listened and heard him and sat in those critiques

After they left, I quietly washed dishes and sat down.

I overslept the alarm for class the next morning....

When I was finally awake, The Barren asked if I was alright...

I had been standing for the last two days, and it made sense that I was tired.

I told him I felt hurt that my efforts to impress my father made no difference to my father....

but I understood that I was seeking validation for something I wanted to do.

He not liking the food was his thing.

*Me feeling hurt that he didn't like the food was mine;

I needed to focus on the fact that I enjoyed making the food, 

and thinking of family that had made it before me.

I had no space or desire for the negative places I went

I was more aware of myself now  

I am becoming more aware of who I am now...

and for that I am thankful

The other side

The freeway is open again after it being closed for 2 weeks.

21 of the 23 missing are accounted for and deceased.

The final two are children, a 2 year old and a 16 year old

The search dogs are still seeking and are still hoping to find them.

It has been a surreal experience to say the least. 

Even as someone on the outer edges of the actual event.

Our towns are small and friendly and everyone knows someone.

I mean EVERYONE knows someone.

I was away from my yoga community for two weeks and it felt like an eternity.

I got a couple emails checking on me and seeing how I was on the other side of the mud

I took the train into work once, as it was allowed through the slide area, but not automobiles.

It was a 12 hour process from start to finish for a 40 mile commute and 6.5 hour workday

I spent most of my time think and hoping that search and rescue would continue to find people.

I also finished some artwork that is opening in a museum show next weekend.

That time was a gift, as I was able to work on it almost uninterrupted and without concern.

A local yoga studio opened last week, and I had purchased around Xmas a pre-opening special pass for a month of unlimited classes. So I was thankful to get into a studio to practice and work my kinks out. My whole body ached, my mind went to dark places way to quickly and I was not sleeping much at all. I was glad to get into the first class this last Friday and then again on Sunday.

I was able to drive to work on Monday and did yoga at my normal studio and it was strange 

(I can not find the right word to describe the new reality).

A lot of the people in class are still evacuated from their homes, and I heard more stories of loss and lives gone and last moments.

It was like having a javelin thrown into my chest over and over again.

My job was to simply listen and hug and listen some more.

I was glad to be among my community, and even though I could feel the pain and sadness it was still nice to be able to be there for people and with people.

A comfort of sorts for my bruised heart.

It has been quite a whirlwind of stress these last couple of months!

Fire and rains and mudslides.

I do feel like as the little sprouts of green start to appear on the hillsides across the street, that things are beginning again, regardless if we are all ready. 

I am thankful for that reminder from Mother Nature, as bittersweet as it is.

I remember when my bruises and puncture wounds began to heal on my body; I was sad that there were no longer external signs of the suffering from infertility. 

Instead it was reminding me to be thankful that my body is still powerful and capable of healing.

 In the same way, our hillsides are starting that same process, of healing themselves again. 

That is to be applauded and admired.

Mudslides

*****hard read***death****babies***tragic situations*****

that is not a river, that is the freeway 

The fire, which is still not 100% contained, has left nothing on our surrounding mountains, valleys, canyons and roads. There is no habitat and the animals that are found are badly burned or sick.

and if that is not heartbreaking enough...

Monday night we got our first rain, and in one nearby town they got 8 inches of rain in 15 minutes!

It created a large debris flow (topsoil, dead plants and trees, boulders) and mudslide that has destroyed the quiet community and so far resulted in 16 deaths and over two dozen people still missing, hundreds trapped via inaccessible roads on their roofs and many more injured. 

Airlift evacuations and evacuations via military vehicles and personnel are currently taking place. There are search dogs and search and rescue personnel currently looking for survivors and those who have perished.

Some of these people did not heed the mandatory and voluntary evacuation orders, still ruffled from finally being home after being displaced by the fire only a couple of weeks ago; but the majority of them were in a warning area...which is "a be prepared to leave but we are on watch and wait" kind of order. So they were totally taken off guard. The mud slid at 3:30am- I got an emergency flash flood warning on my phone at 3:40am (even though I am not in the area, it went out like an Amber Alert)

There is one main highway that connects my community to this community and that is covered in mud and debris and it stretches for about 30 miles.

The sound of helicopters once again fills the skies and the photographs are too much to bear.

The video footage is constant and it is a race against time to find the missing.

Although we are all spread out, it is a small community where people know people or have visited their shops or restaurants.

The photos of the missing are heartbreaking and when you recognize someone your heart sinks and regardless of your spiritual belief you start hoping for the best.

None of these people deserved this, no one should have to go through this, regardless of choices made; good or bad.

There was a couple interviewed by news agencies yesterday, both in shock, rescued from the roof of their home, transported by military personnel to a safe spot. They were getting onto their roof when the man heard a baby, he found a baby under four feet of mud, cleared the mud from its mouth and it was helicoptered away (it is expected to survive)...he said he didn't know where it came from.

If he had not been evacuating, he could not have saved it.

I was torn into a million pieces seeing this yesterday, as you can imagine.

I am taking care of myself, unable to go to work or yoga class 

I am in the studio making or trying to make art.

Hoping for more survivors and good stories

all to the background hum of helicopters

hug your loved ones

hug your friends

offer a kind word to a stranger

be kind to yourself

Day 13

my grandmother always said if you feel blue, put on a bright color
She never had to accessorize with a smoke filtering mask

I am currently stress eating popcorn, and sipping CBD tea to stay calm.

We are out of the fires path, and our home is still sealed from outside smoke as the  air purifiers run 24 hours a day.

The air quality will continue to be an issue until we get rain...

which there is no sign of through the month.

This morning the phones started to explode again, this time it is north front; 

where my parents and The Barrens mother lives.

40+ miles from our home.

The police and fire have closed the one freeway that is open to all traffic that is not evacuating.

We have no way to get to my parents or brother and family. 

The Barren has no way to get to his mother.

We are trapped again in a different way.

The Barrens mother would be evacuated first and my parents after that...

this fire has continued to grow to the east and west of us.

Active fire on both sides.

The community to the north of us just had their orders lifted the other day.

A family member from another part of the country asked:

" What does it feel like there? I imagine people are pulling together to help each other, but it must be exhausting"

My response was:

Our town feels sad, the the community has totally come together with pop up relief centers for food water and clothing. The same for the nearby communities.

The community up the coast is ground zero today. The streets are quiet with most people evacuating or packing to prepare to leave at a moments notice. There is also active fire to the East, which is mostly farms and agriculture, so a lot of activity there to get food off the vine and save farms."

I spoke with the few farmers at the outdoor market this morning, and was told again that the field workers were not offered masks to protect themselves from the smoke and ash as they work outside. A friend of of a friend was trying to distribute masks the other day and was kicked out. 

This continues to break my heart and I have been carrying extra masks with me to offer to people I encounter...the homeless community has also been effected deeply in these communites.

We have to look out for those who are overlooked.

Please be extra kind to someone today...

Can you speak up please....

So I am about to do something WAY OUTSIDE my wheelhouse.

WAY OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE

I have been asked to be a panel member to speak to artists in college.

It is part of the career services department and they asked me over a month ago.

I said yes thinking that I would freak out less as time passed and it would all be ok.

I sent an email last week confirming that it was still a go (half thinking it would be canceled)

but instead I go the response that yes it is still happening and in fact I was on a panel of four people addressing something like 60+ students!

okay...

who are the other artists on the panel I wondered as I read the email...

oh, you are the only artist.

the other 3 people are two gallery directors and a Whitney Biannual recipient.

When I read this, I began to cry and then proceeded to spiral into a full blown panic attack!

They couldn't find anyone else!!!

Thankfully, even though The Barren was on the other side of the country for work, after he stopped laughing after learning the news, he was able to walk me off the ledge and get me to laugh too.

I am speaking about my everyday as an artist sitting next to the very people who judge and jury my work. I offer a unique perspective to the scenario....

I am crazy scared that my words will be hard to find, and fumbled when spoken.

I want to sound cool and collected and honest.

I then freaked out about the mop that is growing out of the top of my head-vanity

...I will be attending this event after morning yoga, then a full day of work!

I am getting a haircut tomorrow in hopes to shock it into submission for at least 48 hours.

The Barren will not be able to be there, and I have not told anyone that I am doing this.

Mostly because I am not sure knowingly having someone there, might not calm me down.

My freak flag is about to fly....

I am nervous but in my heart of hearts I know I can put on a mask of calm 

and ideally speak clearly and in a helpful manner. 

It is real

I am an artist

I can not not support myself on my art alone, but not from lack of trying

but that doesn't stop me from making art...

as it is the only way I know how to connect and understand the world around me.

Okay, haircut, clean clothes

tic tacs, deep breathing and don't trip!

Mantra: speak slowly, honestly and gracefully

and laugh, because really this is a first world problem and although it is scary it will not kill you!

Yoga anniversary

Ok, So I try REALLY HARD to not evangelize yoga....
I never want to sound like this....but it is funny as all hell

This last week I celebrated my 4th yogaiversary
I have been going to yoga three to four times a week for four years now!
It is the longest I have ever participated in an activity and still want to go.
This is amazing to me.

what!? are those muscles!!!
extended side angle with a double bind

I started yoga because a couple ladies I know wanted to try it
...I am the only one practicing.

When I began I was just out of my stage 4 endo diagnosis and wanted to find a way to start and reclaim my body back. I was in incredible pain from my cycles
and my back was weak and I felt broken
...just totally broken.

I started to see a difference in the first three months, I was able to mange cycle pain better.
I learned how to breathe more effectively and move my body.
I can manage stress (physical and emotional) better.

I am stronger and feel like I am in control of my body again
I can't do everything I want YET in class,
as I am still figuring out what my endo has seized up and what I can work through
...and what I can mentally believe I can do;
because it really is an exercise of the ego.

I can look at myself in the mirror while practicing,
but I will never be a front row person and I am ok with that.
I can practice next to a visually pregnant woman and not cry or focus on my loss.
I continue to do yoga in strange places at home (like above) and in public places where when I feel stress I do "lions breath" and make The Barren laugh.
I know my tummy will never be flat, no matter how many situps and how much food I restrict,
I carry the visual reminder of my losses in my belly, presenting at 10weeks forever.
I am embracing that too.

I thank my body after every class for being able to heal and move and breathe.
I like feeling strong
I am pretty proud of me right now and I simply wanted to mark this with a post.
I am tooting my own horn
and that is OK too sometimes

Punk Rock Girl

I am still punk rock!

Okay let me back up....

So I sold an artwork to someone a couple of years ago. 

Turns out this person is a BIG TIME collector and it means something real.

She is also quite the socialite in town and often hosts events in her home.

I was able to attend one about a year and a half ago, and listen to lecture given by a woman who wrote books about some of the founding mothers of contemporary art.

At said party, we were encouraged to socialize and eat little treats etc...

that was when I saw my artwork on the wall!

It was a thrill and then a HORROR as I realized I had not signed my work!

I thought about all night and when I wrote my thank you card, I mentioned that I would love to return for five minutes and sign the work. 

No response...so all this time it has set in my heart as a failure on my part.

Well, last night there was another meeting at the home of the hostess once again!

I daydreamed about remedying the situation but tried to fall on the side of 

" it is her artwork now, leave it be"

The home and art collection on display was beyond impressive once again

Yoko Ono work

Pretty little canapes were out in a rainbow of colors

I socialized and got a hot flash...

I saw a friend and asked if there was a cooler room that she had discovered. 

She mentioned the hostess's office which was open for visitors 

to see the continued art collection.

I met a woman in this room whom I chatted up while cooling off...

we admired the same work and talked about what we loved about certain pieces

I asked if she was an artist

 (this event was hosting artists, curators, museum directors, gallery owners and art writers)

She was and asked if I was as well

I mentioned that my artwork was just in the other room

She asked to see it.

When I looked at it my heart sank...and I mentioned to her that I had forgotten to sign it...

She grabbed it off the wall and said "do it now!"

I giggled and eagerly took the frame into the adjoining room and opened it up and popped out the mat and signed the work. Then just as quickly, popped it back into the frame and locked it all back up. She was by my side the whole time telling me how common it is to forget to sign work...

and that the collector would want me to.

After my act was done, she asked if I could breathe...

I said..."so deeply" it was like my work was a whole piece in a collection now.

I felt vindicated 

and a bit PUNK ROCK

Thankful Thursday

Yesterday I continued a tradition that was started many many many years ago

 and went almost forgotten until recently.

I introduced my niece to yoga.

My Aunt introduced me to her yoga practice many moons ago when I was 10 years old.

I mostly remember falling asleep on the living room floor.

That gently blossomed into me finding yoga again in college and then 

practicing in Nepal and then again before I was married

and as a newlywed.

Then it fell away until three years ago and now I don't think I will forsake it again.

I introduced my nephew first...we do yoga (a few poses) when he spends the night, 

before he plays video games and when we go for exploration walks.

Yesterday as part of my nieces "graduation to Jr. High" school gift, 

we attended a class together.

She is 12 and now old enough to attend a level 1 class with an adult.

(I was that adult, hahaha)

I picked her up and asked if she was excited about it or nervous.

She said she was both, I told her I was too, so we could be beginners together.

We arrived early so we could get her signed into class.

She signed the forms in big round letters that spelt out her first name

 and only the first initial for her last name,

thus beginning her week of free yoga.

I showed her the locker room 

(part of my plan was to introduce her to a locker room before starting Jr High school)

I gave her a tour of the changing area,I showed her where the hair bands were, the q-tips and lotions. I pointed out that there were tampons on the backside of the toilet, in case someone got their period.

Hairdryers and kleenex all for use.

She picked out our locker, we stored our clean clothes for after class and headed to the studio to wait for the class to begin.

We chatted a little before the teacher showed up and watched all the other people arrive into class.

She followed along, exploring the quiet moments, and watching me for pose ques.

It was surreal for me...this little girl was becoming a teenager before my vary eyes.

We compared how sweaty we got...smiled at each other and did yoga!

After class, she was in a good mood and we headed back to the locker room.

There were women in various states of undress...

I told her I was going to take a shower, and asked if she wanted to as well...

she opted out (which I expected) and I gave her the key to the locker and told her which shower I was in and to meet back at the locker when she was done changing. 

She changed in a toilet stall.

I only freaked out a little when the locker room got really quiet when I was rinsing off...and I wanted to call out her name to see if she was still there...but decided that I was going to treat her like a grown up and let her be. 

She was on the bench next to the locker on her ipod when I walked over from the shower.

I got dressed and asked what she was doing and if she felt okay after class.

We thanked the teacher after class and walked to get her a smoothie....

As we were returning to the car I turned and saw this...

I had my camera on the wrong setting, but you get the idea:

It is happening!

The dreams continue....

I am still being submerged in dreams of my child that never came to be...

I saw this and it made me weep and be thankful that I am able to watch this
and keep my chin high
and my heart open
to still thinking about a child that I never got to hold...
and still thinking about what I desired for them

I have grown stronger 

I have to remind myself

physical memories

So the new year has started and now we are almost done with this first month!

I am finding that I am experiencing a little struggle, mostly kicking myself into the right lane...

I made a list one morning while eating, trying to make it like an "automatic writing" experiment.

I only post it here so that I am reminded that these are the first things that came to mind and they are good ideas to strive for always...not just for this year.

 this is what I came up with:

be more present

be more honest & true

use kinder words in self talk

go to yoga as often as I can afford

make/experiment

stop comparing myself to others in stressful situations

read more books

embrace your laughter

paint your nails

learn to braid-for real

keep letting go

stop apologizing for nothing

make new friends/situations

do less home chores-you get lost in them

draw more

write more

be less afraid

I have found that "keep letting go" is the one theme I have revisited the most so far;

and I am finding that it is mostly in regards to physical things.

I cleared out my closet, and loving placed many items that I had emotional connections with into a box to give away.

I cleaned out under my bathroom sink and threw out the last pregnancy test I had squirreled away. 

I said out loud, I will never use you and get the answer I want.

Those seemed easy.

Today, while trying to clear out some studio clutter I came across these old pocket calendars.

I took copious notes in each, recording my daily appointments, birthdays, anniversaries and happenings, tracking my periods and noting my miscarriages.

I think I kept them as I didn't want to trow out these markers, like I was saving them for someone.

Today I chose to toss them into the recycling bin.

I carry these memories in my heart. I don't need to fear that I will loose them by throwing out the reminders of the dates. I can still carry those with me, regardless of where the original note is.

As for the Mudman of New Guinea, is a picture I cut from a travel magazine, 

they were on a bucket list many moons ago.

That too has faded into the past.

both are bittersweet, but not forgotten.

I have to remind myself of that.

Today, tomorrow and many years ago

Today is the 11th of September

it is a big number here in the states.

It leaves me a little unsettled.

I was working at a company that distributed maps when the actual events unfolded 

and for the next year and a half my life was totally changed.

First we got calls from the military 

asking what we were selling and who could buy it.

Then we got calls from the news agencies from all over the world.

Then calls from military families often crying on the phone line asking, 

where these countries

 were that their loved ones were going to.

There were times when we had to call the FBI 

as some calls were requesting very specific kinds of details on maps.

Those were hard and scary.

I know it was best that I walked away from that job when I did.

I was scattered and emotionally spent.

Then in 2006, on this same day
before sunrise, 

and with heavy labored inhales I watched the final breath

 of my beloved grandmother.

She was in her bed, surrounded by family, completely on her own terms.

I had visited and spoken to her two days before.

We just told each other over and over that we loved each other.

It is a beautiful memory above the heartbreak.

This morning, before the sun rose

I got up and shimmed myself into my yoga clothes.

I drove into town for class and watched the sun rise as I 

took deep purposeful breaths with her in my heart.

She died from her lungs filling up...so every time I think of her last moments 

I try and send full complete breathe to her.

I always imagine that would have been the most compassionate thing to give.

A deep breath.

Tomorrow is my nephews birthday, he was born a year later

Life goes on

and on