I have to remind myself

physical memories

So the new year has started and now we are almost done with this first month!

I am finding that I am experiencing a little struggle, mostly kicking myself into the right lane...

I made a list one morning while eating, trying to make it like an "automatic writing" experiment.

I only post it here so that I am reminded that these are the first things that came to mind and they are good ideas to strive for always...not just for this year.

 this is what I came up with:

be more present

be more honest & true

use kinder words in self talk

go to yoga as often as I can afford

make/experiment

stop comparing myself to others in stressful situations

read more books

embrace your laughter

paint your nails

learn to braid-for real

keep letting go

stop apologizing for nothing

make new friends/situations

do less home chores-you get lost in them

draw more

write more

be less afraid

I have found that "keep letting go" is the one theme I have revisited the most so far;

and I am finding that it is mostly in regards to physical things.

I cleared out my closet, and loving placed many items that I had emotional connections with into a box to give away.

I cleaned out under my bathroom sink and threw out the last pregnancy test I had squirreled away. 

I said out loud, I will never use you and get the answer I want.

Those seemed easy.

Today, while trying to clear out some studio clutter I came across these old pocket calendars.

I took copious notes in each, recording my daily appointments, birthdays, anniversaries and happenings, tracking my periods and noting my miscarriages.

I think I kept them as I didn't want to trow out these markers, like I was saving them for someone.

Today I chose to toss them into the recycling bin.

I carry these memories in my heart. I don't need to fear that I will loose them by throwing out the reminders of the dates. I can still carry those with me, regardless of where the original note is.

As for the Mudman of New Guinea, is a picture I cut from a travel magazine, 

they were on a bucket list many moons ago.

That too has faded into the past.

both are bittersweet, but not forgotten.

I have to remind myself of that.