Sitting and thinking

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently.

Some days it manifests as napping, or seated meditation or wall staring. 

Regardless of its form, I have been doing a lot of reflecting.

I think my rant (previous post) got under my skin...

and seeing it there made me realize I was upset over things that I really don't have space for.

Nor, do I want to have space for...

As I have been aging away from baby-making years, 

I find that the first few years (10 or so) were beyond comprehension painful.

I found depths of sadness I never knew existed.

I almost slipped forever into those places, never to return.

I will never forget those times, although they are years away, they are very close still.

I am thankful for that minuscule/tiny spark in me that said to keep fighting...

keep being a badass, a noisemaker, a warrior.

As I am much farther down that path, 

I am thankful for my bodies ability to heal and recover 

and find new ways to make me fall in love with it again.

I can be okay with turning away from the baby oogling and cooing.

I am okay smiling at toddlers as they give me deer in headlight stares from shopping carts.

I am okay not being Okay with something one day and totally fine with it another.

I am giving myself permission to listen if I want and 

walk away if it don't feel connected with talk of children. 

This last month was endometriosis awareness month

and there was a big campaign on Instagram about it...

people declaring they were or someone they cared about was 1 in 10

people dealing with Endo.

One of the questions asked of the community was:

What gift has your Endo diagnosis given you?

I engaged and said:

 That after my stage 4 diagnosis, I was freed of guilt.

I realized that my infertility reflected nothing I had done wrong. 

I had done nothing wrong

I am practicing in a new yoga studio these days and have pumped up my practice to daily. 

This new studio is closer to home and has a lot of different kinds of classes.

One I take twice a week has been teaching me real meditation skills and I have already found them to be reflecting in my daily routines.*

This last weekend I spent two days cooking for Passover.

I made everything from scratch and we hosted my parents, a new tradition for us.

*The Barren mentioned that I was quite calm, and not frantic like I normally am.

We started this tradition because my mother would be working her tail off of days and when the family came for dinner she never sat and enjoyed the meal herself...for like 45+ years! 

so I make her meal and she and my father sit and enjoy the meal without chaos and distractions and have conversations with us.

This year, I did all the cooking and served a super homemade meal...

My father was not impressed

He didn't like most of what I made and told me so.

*I listened and heard him and sat in those critiques

After they left, I quietly washed dishes and sat down.

I overslept the alarm for class the next morning....

When I was finally awake, The Barren asked if I was alright...

I had been standing for the last two days, and it made sense that I was tired.

I told him I felt hurt that my efforts to impress my father made no difference to my father....

but I understood that I was seeking validation for something I wanted to do.

He not liking the food was his thing.

*Me feeling hurt that he didn't like the food was mine;

I needed to focus on the fact that I enjoyed making the food, 

and thinking of family that had made it before me.

I had no space or desire for the negative places I went

I was more aware of myself now  

I am becoming more aware of who I am now...

and for that I am thankful