Rollercoaster of Love

 

I am still here, still above ground.
This post does ramble...
I am a swirl of thoughts feelings and moods in every hour of the day. 

I am still in a guinea pig level of this new medication...but I am cautiously hopeful that things might be working better. I haven't been in an ER since May and I count that as a win! I have locked down my diet even more, even though having an auto immune disease means that the food doesn't really play a part in the inflammation but can contribute to irritations. So I am experimenting even more on taking things from my diet, or massively limiting them.

It is exhausting and makes having tea with a friend VERY challenging. I am there sipping water while they eat or drink beverages I once enjoyed. They try and not make a big deal about it, but I see their looks, wondering if I eat at all...or if I am hungry or...who knows. 
I am trying to make it a practice of being present in a conversation and present with the person who has asked to share time and I choose to share time with as well.

 Honestly though, at times it is very hard to not show how I really feel about how scared I am. How I constantly fear that I might eat something that could send me into a ball of pain. How they might see how scared I am to eat anything I haven't made myself...how hyper cautious I am about everything, how this has massively changed my relationship with food, my body image, my self-esteem and wellbeing.

I am back to assisting with my parents in person. I was invited back to help. I have maintained all the stuff in the background, but was refused when I offered to help take them to appointments or help by dropping off meals. So I started with shuttling my father to his mental health appointment and was asked to sit in on the session. Another therapist saw how we interact with my father and saw how challenging it is. My father is a performer, and so he is 100% on when he is around people other than family; presenting a different version to the outside world than is true making up facts. The therapist sees it thankfully, which is reassuring.

I also took my father to his annual wellness check and it was ordered that he needed a treadmill test. I took him to that, and I think it was a shock to my father that he wasn't able to last more than 2 minutes on the walking pad before his legs gave out. He will be returning to the test, but via IV dyes and stimulants to test his heart. It has been heartbreaking and beautiful to see this side of my father. Beautiful in seeing how vulnerable he is, it is a rare thing to be able to witness this side of our parents, so I hold it as a precious thing.
Each of these visits leaves me spent: emotionally, and I want to comfort myself, I do what I can to refortify myself. When he was in aftercare after his fall, I would eat a bag of harvest snaps on the drive home, screaming in between when tension was so high. Now, I drive in complete silence, no snacks are okay at this time....

It is a rollercoaster

I am rule follower, but I am determined to find a path that will work for me. 
I had two social meetings this past weekend and both left me so tired. I joke that the person who says yes to these is a different person than who shows up. I know it is super important to be social, and connect with people who are not toxic, so I push myself to go. I enjoyed both events but I was pretty quiet afterwards. I have found myself looking at people and wondering what it is like to walk in their life, eat what they eat, socialize like they do. I have found myself so much more serious and introspective. I used to identify with Tigger and now I am a cross between Piglet and Eeyore. 

Has anyone else been feeling like this? A shift in how you are interacting with the world around you?

The Barren has returned from his trip to Canada and he mentioned that the city he had his business in was light and vibrant and happy. 
I said "was it like to not waking up in a pool of existential dread every day?" and although we laughed at it, it was true.

Soapbox moment to the universe: I love where I live, it really is pretty and the kind beautiful people I interact with...but at the same time I absolutely HATE this government and everyone who is playing along, justifying it, validating it, supporting it and downplaying it.

I have been hunkering down and trying to find a bit of loft in my mind. Sometimes I get so caught up in the downward spiral of thoughts....other times it is like I am rollerskating around big holes in the road. Currently my garden spots are bringing me joy. I have a community spot and a couple guerilla spots around my complex that I have planted and they are all thriving and bright with blooms and food. I am slowly exploring art making practices that are new and interesting. I am practing yoga multiple times a week and getting closer every class to making my goal of 1000 classes done by the end of the year. Today was class 968. There have been some wins and I am celebrating them. 

My life feels like a rollercoaster for sure, but I am still trying to see it through love lenses,
No matter how cheesy that is.

The Quiet

 It is quieter than normal today...

it is election day, the polls are open, the postcards have been sent, the calls have been made, the hopes are running at an all time high.

I, along with EVERYONE I know are waiting. Our stomachs are filled with acid, our nerves are burned, we are all exhausted, there is so much anxiety you can feel it in the air. 

My bestie and I exchanged texts this morning recounting what we are doing to pass time and not look at the news or think or hope. 

I woke up this morning, and before much thought, found myself doing 108 sun salutations trying to honor the energy I wanted to focus towards the day. Saying over and over President Harris.

I feel too many feels, thinking too many thoughts...

we wait

Fire and Death

 I have been wanting to write, 

but I am finding it hard to find a thread of ideas to share...or rant about.

Then I realized so much time has passed since my last post....

so here I am.

************

This post includes a lot of talk about death

************

I have been floating on the surface of life...or sitting deeply in it. I seem to find myself falling deeply into the nuances of the day or shielding myself from them. My yoga studio has stopped conducting classes outside and so we are back inside a studio. I so far am only going to meditation classes in the studio....despite my assurances of safer practices I am still struggling to go back to heated full classes. Instead I practice at home on those days with pre-recorded videos.

A full class use to be, a class of 42 people closed into a room and flowing and sweating and exhaling. Now a full class is 35 in heated classes and 25 in un-heated classes (meditation)

I have attended two heated classes in the studio to check how I feel about it.  I wore a disposable mask all through class, not touching it while sweating my way through the asanas. In one class a guy had a full sweat suit on and I later found out he was training for an MMA match. I am the only one in class that wears a mask: often the only one in the studio, outside doing errands, grocery shopping, farmers market...driving. I am still quite frightened of dying from a virus I am TOTALLY protected from. Even knowing that the vaccine is good against the variants has not dissipated enough of my fear to go mask-less. I have reached out to a physician friend to ask about returning to the hot studio and he said wear a disposable mask, but the chances of me getting virus are reduced as I am vaccinated and if I do get it, it will not be deadly.

With all this "reassurance" I am still hesitant. I believe in science and am currently living a life science forward...but, maybe I just have gotten so comfortable being cautious. A sick new way to control things in my life that are totally uncontrollably random. I am thankful that the people I interact with are both vaccinated and gentle with my feelings about my virus fear/comfort. I would liken it to a monster in your bedroom closet as a kid and your parent comes in, turns on the light, opens the door and shows you that indeed there is nothing to be frightened of. Then they turn around and leave. You are still in that room and that bed staring at the door you heard growling from...and are still trying to process the fear.

My meditation group, about 7 of us, that were super regular at the parks, sitting silently behind masks, in 40 degree mornings or windy hot days...while squirrels rained pinecone down on my head or crows screamed the whole time...anyway one of the members arranged a "closing ceremony" to line up with the Summer Solstice.

We had a fire ceremony

We all gathered and meditated on the fire and what we wanted to let go of. It is always eye opening to hear what other people are thinking...especially people you've shared almost a year with in silence.

Most wanted to let go of worries and family judgements....personal judgements and I sent the judgements of others to the flames.

I have held that hope in the front of my mind since then.

(I wore a sun dress with no bra as an act of this resistance, had bedhead hair at the market and coffeeshop. I am working my way up it seems)

***************

This weekend was a "titty twister" of sorts

I got an email at 7am from a longtime friend (old boyfriend) that his mother passed away. I was in total shock! I have know this woman for 30+ years and even worked with her many moons ago.

She used to gift me photo paper in my super lean days. (I was dating her son then) 

Super sweet woman, last I spoke with her was last year when we exchanged emails so I could mail her handmade masks...It was a real surprise; I knew my friend was going to be super fragile and so I have been checking in on him. On that same day, his longtime (20+year) girlfriend's father was rushed to the ER for a stroke. My brother in law was headed into surgery for lung cancer and when I called my parents to let them know about the death, my mom interrupted me to let me know that they were on the way to the walk in clinic for my father who was having a reaction to a bee sting.

I don't remember doing much other than visiting the cats and coming home.

It was a lot to process.

Does anyone else's life bundle like that? I seem to have days where the space time continuum layer like this...folding one thing on top of the other into a shit sandwich.

Just a few days before I had learned of anther friends parent dying; another person I had know for a long time. She did the flowers for our wedding almost 19years ago.

Is it that time in our lives now...I am SOOOOO not ready for that. I guess we are never really ready to say goodbye to people...but it sux

Today is the anniversary of my grandfathers death. He passed away in 1990. I was sleeping in the bed next to his at the care facility the night he died. In my  twilight sleep I saw him walk down the hall with a friend who was already dead, he waved at me and when I woke up he took one of his last breaths. He had lived/suffered with ALS for too long and it was hard to watch at the end. It took his speech and his mobility and his dignity. I lost my job the next day, as I missed an impromptu company meeting. It was okay, I was being sexually harassed by the owner of the store and it was an easy reason to fire me.

(boy that was a loaded sentence)

Anyway, my grandfather has visited me the least of my deceased grandparents. I can count the times on one hand. I guess we were alright and all that needed to be said was said. I adored him and think about him often...but I must admit as time passes, it is harder to hear his voice or remember specifics about his mannerisms anymore.

Maybe that is what this virus has done...

This virus has made death so much more in the forefront, and common. There are still people in this town that refuse to get the vaccine, and they are  clearly okay being 99% of the deaths from this virus now. Totally preventable. Historically, as the world was growing and changing, death was part of everyday life. People painted it both boldly and symbolically. Memento Mori was everywhere as people were dying so often.

Have we entered a Memento Mori time? We have been so used to a long healthy life now and suddenly as the world all fell to this insane virus, it has become a daily reminder once again.

Building fall, bombs explode, people run into schools with guns, cars crash, people kill each other for shoes or skin color or food.

it is often too much for me to process and I must admit I feel like I need to be an ostrich and run away and hide. I can not bare much more on my nerves and heart.

I guess I can thank my infertility for dulling a lot of my nerves, making me not respond emotionally to horrible things. It takes days, sometimes weeks to actually feel something.

I am trying to return to a "normal" self, but I think I am changed...so massively changed.

In-laws and outlaws

Tuesday of last week, marked two weeks since my second vaccine dose and meant I was fully vaccinated.

Over a month ago, I made an appointment for my first haircut since August 2019...I am not normally a hair person, but my hair was making me feel older and it was chaotic, something I normally embrace, but a haircut made me feel a little pretty and I was ready to honor that need. I tipped my hairstylist 100% because he is awesome and I wanted to celebrate him and his new downsized business. I have gotten my hair cut by him for 20+ years!

I then went to the dentist, and it ended up being far less stressful than I thought it was going to be...apparently all dentists are booked solid, so I was glad I made that appointment too.

And because I was now fully covered, we made a spur of the moment choice and visited The Barren's father, as he is immune compromised we both needed to be covered. This meant a road-trip and a day long drive. It was great to see him and hug him and spend even a little bit of time with him.

He is married to a woman who has very very high levels of need. She controls most situations by delays, she has a hard time transitioning from one task to another and is chronically late. Now my father in law is all engulfed by it as well and so they get lost from time lines for weeks. The Barren texted his father asking if they would be home this past weekend and he said yes, and then we booked a hotel and told him we were coming to visit, after hearing it, FIL changed days that he would be available (they are getting their floors done) and we added another day to the hotel and said great see you then. The Barren told his father he wanted to visit a music shop with him and that they would only be open a few hours after we arrived so we would pick him up to make the timeline...When we arrived it was a fairly swift transition, as his wife was staying behind to walk the dog.

We ordered food before returning home with pizza for us four and on arriving, his wife spent another hour+ doing who knows what and delaying dinner (she did put the pizza into the oven while she did something else while we all waited) the oven turned our pizzas into crackers. DH and I sat waiting at folding tray tables waiting for her to begin dinner....

The following day we went over after breakfast so The Barren and his father could play music for a bit which is all The Barren wanted to do to connect with his father. 💓(his dad doesn't call often and is even harder to get a call back from these days) While the guys played music I sat listening to his wife talk about things, and try to not take any bait:

What do you think about what is happening in Israel? What about this other political situation, I mean how can they eat cows...why would you not want to get the vaccine, I don't think your reactions were what you think, I hear people are waiting longer to have kids...

At that the Barren chimed in and said, "yeah we are still waiting"

Then she suggested we go to a music festival at a local winery, we jumped at the opportunity to go and we all gathered our things to go, then we waited...she took another hour to get ready to head out the door. I had squirreled some snacks in our car, thankfully. They get so wrapped up in tasks she doesn't really eat regularly and I am a woman who likes to snack all day long! So I was hungry...they brought their dog too, who is a rescue that has serious anxiety issues and can not be left alone. So she was panic panting the whole time and it was really hard to witness, I also was having a hard time being around sooooooooo many people kind of wearing masks. 

This is when I began to get " sparkles" my optical migraine trigger and whispered to The Barren about it, but my MIL heard and stopped taking photos of children dancing to ask if I wanted an aspirin (which was nice) I tried really hard to down play it, but it was the perfect out of a stressful, situation and so we scapegoated me and left early. As we said goodbye to my FIL,I got a photo of DH and FIL and it was lovely and bittersweet. 

The Barren drove us into town while I fought a freight train of a migraine and a panic attack. We got dinner, as we were famished and I did some conscience breathing exercises while I waited for the migraine drugs to kick in. MIL texted and we pretended that we were already back at the hotel and I was sleeping, when were were actually secretly eating and then going to the hotel to sleep. MIL offered to bring us leftover cracker pizza and we thanked her for the beautiful gesture but we were fine.

The next morning we left for another full day of driving back homeward.

Sigh

On the way home we made an effort to stop and see things we never had, after all, this was the closest to a vaca we'd taken in multiple years! It was another exhausting day and when we rolled into a town only a couple hours from home, we booked a pricey room at the hotel my art is in...TOTAL splurge!

It was super cool to see it in person after all this time.

The hotel was delayed in opening, and when it had a soft opening in Dec 2019 I wasn't able to make it, then 2020 closed the hotel and then opened it and then closed it and now it is open again. So we went to see the work finally installed.

When we checked in, I gleefully told the reception person that I was the artist that made the lobby's artwork...they looked up and said "oh" and then looked back at the computer.

Trying to not let them dull my sparkle, I asked if people ask about the art on the walls, the reception person said " not really" their apathy was enough and I walked back over to the art and quietly had my own party in my head.

We drove home the next morning, after I had taken as many photos as I could think of taking.

It was a 2021 kind of vaca-we walked into our door, dropped our dirty laundry into the basket, I walked into the kitchen and began making dinner. It was gone...all of it was done and we were back to Homeostasis.

Since returning, I have gone to see our "girl" and her babies, attended my online art lecture and today after consulting a physician friend, I went to the final class of a favorite teacher, and returned to my first in studio hot yoga class since March 2020. (strangely emotional)

I wore my mask the whole time, the only one doing that. I got a spot closest to the door, right next to one of the three air scrubbers that run during the class and got a sweat on and left afterwards. Passing a studio full of unmasked people. Vaccination proof is honor system, so I took extra actions.

Things are trying to get back to what they were, but it will never be the same again. And it seems that as hard as people try, it seems more and more offset.

Self care and reflection

 

So after a primal scream, deep scary toxic rage , a good long cry, and staying up to 3am to sit and process my feelings...I feel like I am on the other side of my grief from the loss of RBG. 

I am planning and acting.

I am slow on the uptake. Proof being that, today... I decided that I do not need to make political statements in every piece of art I make from here on out. I have nothing to prove to anyone. My actions are my own and I do not have to announce/make public what I do and contribute to make my actions more valid.

I think my shutting down my facebook has highlighted this for me....I spent several hours over a couple of days, manually deleting my history and photos and tags. My page is stripped down to simply my name and I have spent the last two days just taking down information from the things I still want to keep on my radar. Like art groups. My final post was about the loss of RBG and how if you are a woman or know a woman you need to vote and remove the assaulting racist xenophobe and his minions out of office.

I feel set afloat, and quite untethered.

Most recently, like so so many others, I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed and overtaxed emotionally and so in an act of self-care I am focusing my energies on what I hold closest in my heart and plan my actions accordingly.

I enjoy spending time giving, so I am continuing to do that.

I have stepped outside my comfort zone a few times now and it makes me feel better.

Still being sheltered, is getting harder and harder and I was listening to this neurologist on the radio and understood more about a quarantine brain. We need new experiences to allow us to form memories, being in the same place for days on end doesn't allow us to form new memories so it is important to do things that are out of norm; brush your teeth with you less dominate hand, approach a know act from a different direction. If you are driving this could simply mean taking new routes home. 

This adulting thing is becoming a super sucker of fun.

I made an appointment to have my yearly exam with my doctor, I wanted to make sure I would not miss a breast exam or a pap...as this might be harder to come by as we approach November. I have broken my appointments up into several days, to see if that helps reduce my white coat. 

Although...since making the annual appointment I have thought more about my weight than I have all year, and that is a direct reflection on my fear of hearing my doctor tell me I need to loose 5 more pounds to fit on her BMI chart. So maybe it is just my fear of disappointing her, how fucked is that!

I am constantly checking off a list of things in my mind, did I eat this than make sure to do that, make sure you are drinking enough water, not too much caffeine, take your vitamins, YOU FORGOT to take your vitamins, if you mix this with that it is wrong, you are wrong...you messed it up...she is going to tell you how wrong you did this or that...you need to still do this or that...

Anyone see "The Good Place" the above is quite similar to a rant on the show...I  actually got tearful when I realized it.

My dentist can wait - I don't need any guilt from them either.

Has anyone else felt this way about their doctors, post infertility treatments/care? It feels like I want all the other parts of me running without notice (perfectly) so that the drama or the fear of a doctor is abated....I must be nuts...doctors are there to fix, maybe they will always find something wrong regardless of the patients input of efforts?!

I know this entry is mixed up and upside down...so is everything else in this world!

The Letter

"Yoga Goddess, 

I have debated reaching out...but felt it was important for you to know that you have a secret ally in your corner.

I am sorry life is sucking so very badly...

This is not the way you imagined....anything.

I can not imagine what you are going through, but I can empathize as we spent nearly a decade trying to build a family.

When we were trying there was not a lot of resources and still a lot of stigma.

I found this site very helpful for resources and knowledge:

she has organized everything (left side) under topics and it might help in some way.

https://www.stirrup-queens.com

Please forgive me if I have overstepped or made you feel like you haven't thought of this yourself.

I am happy to answer any questions you might have or 

help in anyway you might find you are in need of.

I continue to be a dedicated yogi, and friendly face in the crowd.

Smiles and hopes,

The Barreness "

I was haunted with words of advice for the owner of the studio I practice at when:

 she made the start of her IVF journey public knowledge. 

Then came the public spreadsheet of drug costs 

and 

then came the crowd funding page set up by a friend. 

I was going to tell her that pain does not equate your desire to be a mother.

That simply putting the desire out was enough 

but then I realized that she is most likely getting an earful...so I sent the email above.

She responded soon there after, kindly:

"Thank you so much Barreness this means a lot to me!

I’m proud of you for reaching out, and so happy you did. 

I will definitely check out the site you sent over. 

Love you tons!

Xoxo

Yoga Goddess"

At the end of the day I saw it as a call to action.

It was more important to reach out to a fellow woman in need than

sit and watch how this all unfolded...

Tiggered

So I am on "summer vacation" which looks like

 a week of not commuting and me trying REALLY HARD 

to focus on all the art things that have fallen to the wayside.

Updating websites and social media and professional sites.

I am also looking for new opportunities and waiting on word from other 

submitted competitions.

I am going to class as often as I can and trying to balance it with having "fun"

I am alone for this week, meaning The Barren has next week off for what we loving call

"music camp"- which is an event that happens annually for him. Where he takes a week off to just play music both intimately with a friend and perform open mic nights.

During that week, I rarely see him and so it is like having a roommate who leaves dirty socks and dishes behind but never seems to be here.

This year, he is taking a second week, so that should be stranger.

When I told him that I had this week off, he said he'd support me by making sure to bring home or make food so I didn't have to think about it.

but...

work got super stressful for him and I am doing what I normally do

laundry

dishes

cleaning the cat box

paying bills

making my own meals and trying to work in the studio

**sigh**

last night we had a blow out because, he came home asking what I wanted for dinner and I told him after a day of reading submission requirements and making a newsletter my brain was blown...

this lead to an argument where neither of us wanted to Adult and make choices for food and so he made himself dinner and left to practice music

I made myself dinner and watched a movie alone and cried.

My yoga classes are good and I feel stronger...

but the owner of the studio is suffering from infertility and is being very open about it on social media and I think I am being a little triggered by it.

ok, maybe a lot triggered.

I feel so deeply for the struggle and the path that she is taking...

first surgery for endo and now they have several failed IUI cycles and declared today that next month they start IVF.

I wished her the best and am trying to not focus on it and just do my practice.

I have also found myself choosing to not attend her classes as I would only think about her struggle instead of my own journey.

**sigh**

I go my period a couple of weekends ago...

52days late.

I had two train crash days where I was bleeding hard and heavy 

and then it was gone again.

I am thankful and now know what it might be like next time.

strange indeed

The day before my period I fainted before yoga class...

I got up before class started to pee, which I do a lot more than I'd like...but normal stuff

and I got light headed, also normal...you know how your vision is dimmed because your blood pressure is trying to regulate...well it just came at my wave after wave and the world started to tilt and I was thinking " what the hell is happening?!" and then I was awake. 

I have NEVER done that and I fell into the yoga mat storage

I came to fast and because that has never happened to me before 

I just went back into class and did class.

No one saw me faint, and aside from some gnarly bruises it has not happened again.

Although, I am taking precautions when getting up from the floor and in transitions.

So that is my summer so far....

oh and I delivered a HUGE project for a new hotel...

that had been in the making for over a year.

and it will knock down a lot of my credit card debt...

having an inconsistent income has some downfalls.

I can't imagine doing anything else...but it will be nice to have less personal debt

and maybe be able to start putting some money into my IRA again...

even if it is just $20 a month.

I think I'm gonna gather coins from the laundry and maybe buy myself an ice cream

it is summer after all!

Mind Games

So this not bleeding thing is pretty awesome...

I am comfortable, and feeling like me...whatever that means, I am still learning.

I actually laughed out loud when I read this

Last Friday I went to class and as I entered the studio I had the optics appear before a migraine..

I ran out to the car and took my aspirin and then returned to the studio to take class.

normally my optics don't mean anything except slow down...so I did

the optical stuff dissipated (thanks aspirin) and I felt better, I had opened my vessels and I was putting super oxygenated blood into my brain...

well about half way through class the pain started...I slowed down and did as much as I could.

At the end of class I sat for a little bit thinking maybe it was too hot, or my blood pressure needed to regulate. It was pounding as I walked to the car...and I was feeling quite un-okay.

I had to pick up something from the pharmacy and was thankful that they had a drive thru window, as I smelt REALLY strong and could not imagine masking the pain I was experiencing.

I made it home, ate some pre-made soup and fell into bed.

The cat kept me company:

I was down for the rest of the day, moaning and waiting to be able to take a migraine pill

it was areal adulting moment and I figured as the hormones regulate to my own thing...I might be flattened every once in a while.

The next day I sliced my thumb open while framing artwork and I got to the see The Barren almost pass out from seeing the blood flow outta my finger and into the sink and neighboring counters.

Meanwhile I was looking to see how many fingers were indeed involved in the slip.

It was just my thumb, on my dominate hand.

It didn't hurt and I was strangely calm...

it stopped bleeding and I got to reassure The Barren that it was not infected...

I kept telling him that my body heals itself.

It is amazingly reliable that way.

I spent Sunday on the couch, hiding from additional possible things I could hurt myself on.

Other than that...I am trying to stay busy.

Take yoga as often as possible

eat well

take my vitamins

get sleep

and try and find time with my hubby

We seem to be ships passing-

our schedules are not aligning much and he has back to back travel for business coming up starting next week. So the solo thing is something I need to get cozy with.

We tell each other how much we miss each other...but time never seems to synchronize.

So, still waiting for that big sexual peak thing to snap into place, 

while we are both in the room.

This latest transition is very mortal

I am reminded a lot of my impermanence

I am not sure if it is because I am more aware of it now 

or if I had missed the signs all these years...

Continue to be kind to yourself

Learning Curve

I am gonna be honest, it has been really hard these last two weeks.

Loosing such a massive presence in our home has shifted the vibrations.

I am missing my studio "manager"

in fact it was really hard to simply be in the workroom without him the first week.

We have awoken to sounds in the middle of the night, 

heard purrs, and felt a heavy weight of absence daily.

The Barren has broken down at work multiple times

I normally try and hold it together around him, so that he can feel safe to fall apart.

I fall apart in the shower, or on the drive home...

I skipped a lot of classes in the last two weeks and ate and did nothing but chores.

Being in class seemed to trigger waterfalls of thoughts of him, and I fought weeping loud horrible sobs. I also found that a lot of my grief came with guilt. I am not sure why, but at least I identified that and can work on figuring out why that is entwined. 

The in home senior cat is not crying for the other cat as much,  yowling at the front door and the bottom of the door like a " I am here, find me by my voice".

He is working on being in a space, any space he chooses; alone.

He is making strides and I am learning what he needs to feel secure and loved as he grieves.

I have struggled, as I do not have any friends locally.

I am social in class, and when running errands but no one to get a dinner with.

My bestie is hundreds of miles away and I have been texting her a lot.

She is good about that.

The curator sent a card, which was really amazingly sweet.

I tried to have a sit and chat with a couple of artists I know who were passing through town to see a lecture. One of them had just lost her pup 4 months ago and so she spoke of that a lot.

I really just wanted to feel less, and just socialize...but she needed to decompress still.

So I returned home, feeling tired and spent the rest of the day napping with the cat.

Today I woke up and said, 

lets try this again...

tomorrow will be two weeks and you need to start back on your life hike.

So I went to class and feed myself breakfast and got into the workroom and answered emails and figured out a project that needs to be done this weekend.

I am feeling a little less dark....

the senior cat is even sleeping in the chair in the workroom, 

something he hasn't done in months.

I guess we are both trying to get back into gear.

I dread the call from the vet to pick up the ashes...but I think in a way, it will feel like he is close again...at least his body. 

His spirit is clearly free and visiting us in our dreams and being seen from the corner of our sight.

Mostly I have just given myself space and time and been as kind as I could be with myself...

with cookies and avocado.

Day 16

It is day 16 of the 30 day challenge...

or 19 of yoga in a row.

I am gonna be honest-

I am feeling tired...like deep muscle tired

often as the day goes on, new and funny parts of me start to stiffen.

like right now just typing I feel the base of my deltoid stiffening.

Each morning I seem to be getting out of bed like this 

and after some water and pacing I am at it for the day.

Remember the tin man before he got oiled...

I am the tin woman.

building stamina and muscle 

and not waiting for anyone to rescue me

I made a promise to myself and this body that I would keep going until I can't

so although I might be slow some days,  I am still at it.

I refuse to rust!

When I am not quietly groaning and shuffling to get back up the stairs...

 you'll find me in the yoga studio.

Competition with myself

I have signed up for this challenge.

I am sorry if my next few posts have a heavy yoga theme, 

it is pretty much the only real socializing I get...cuz I am a dork like that.

I don't normally do this sort of thing because I have discovered that I find competition quite repulsive. It does not motivate me, it makes me retreat.

I don't even like when people shout words of encouragement to push you through....

like when running for the finish line, or to keep up with the pace of others.

I had signed up for this kind of thing at the last yoga studio I use to go to, 

but it was a punch card and it turned out to be way competitive! 

So I did two or three classes got my little card punched and then found reasons to not finish them 

and self sabotaged the efforts of the punch card.

There were people who went to classes three or four times a day so I felt Why?!

This one felt different, one...no one is forcing it down my throat or talking it up like you all get cars if you finish. This one is hey, we've been open a year and we made this chart with sharpies and have stickers that you can put in a box next to your name after each class you take...and you have 35 days to do 30 days of yoga because, you know life and shit happens sometimes.

Also you can only get one sticker per day, so if you come once that is the same as coming three times a day...for those crazy overachievers....and for those that have day jobs and relationships.

Quite frankly, I was highly excited about my first sticker, it was a gold unicorn!

I am still 7 years old and get excited about stickers and unicorns

this is my 6th day in a row but only the 3rd in the challenge...

so now I have one unicorn and two stars.

I am also playing hooky from work this week as we are getting some rain and evacuation orders have been issued and revoked due to threats of debris from last years fires.

I have spent my time in yoga, practicing mudras , eating, watching crappy tv and reading.

I have also done some catch up on art things and planning for the coming year.

I am trying to be happier and less fearful.

that is what I am working on the most this year...

less fear

so I am taking yoga every day

and even when the next cycle comes along I will be there...

reminding myself that I am powerful and have overcome all threats to my reproductive system.

There is a woman that practices next to me often in class and she is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping people free the BODY from trauma. She says we trap trauma in our bodies and our bodies replay that over and over again even when we are currently safe and there is no threat. 

Like soldiers that have survived bombs and people who have lived through shootings or car crashes.

This resonated with me and my white coat and I started meditating on my uterus being safe from trauma, and trying to calm her down from her past experiences.

I am taking time every day to practice this meditation....it seems to feel natural and soothing me.

I am not sure how many days I will end up practicing for this challenge but I am willing to try and that is HUGE...and if they keep providing gold unicorn stickers there is no telling how long this could go on!

Summertime Rolls

I am in this photo, right there with my butt up in the air

This is the Saturday morning class I love to take...

the teacher places a COLD washcloth's on each persons face afterwards and it is a slice of heaven!

it is sometimes a struggle to get there because it ends half an hour after farmers market starts and if you are a regular farmers market goer, you know the best stuff is right when they open...so it is a practice of letting shit go and enjoying being at class, then enjoying the pace of the market when I arrive afterwards. I am also not one of those ladies that 

loves to wear her yoga clothes to do errands and stuff...

so the looks from the farmers while I try and hide a camel toe or my body odor is something too.
I pretend to be blissfully unaware of the stares...

The summer is passing and it seems that the activity I am most often partaking in is sweating...

sweat overnight, wake up and go to yoga and sweat, come home shower and try to not sweat (unsuccessful at that still) then sweat while cooking dinner and cleaning up, evening shower
 and repeat

it probably doesn't help that most of my state is on fire and there has been heat wave after heat wave....so I am not sure if this is a peri-menopausal thing or simply summer.

I am gonna say it is summer because the other option sux!

We have watched friends go on vacations, kids go to summer camp,
and we have even been host to a couple visitors.

Alas, we have not escaped.

I was told that my work was taking a few days off to spend time with family and I got very excited at the idea of not having to commute for a while week...but they shortened the vaca and it fell on the days I am normally not there so no real vacation for me.

I am doing my best to make it productive none the less

but...I got my period and now I am either sweat sleeping or trying to not eat everything in the house.

Happy summer vacation!

 I am still trying....I canceled yoga for myself this week...

it is good to rest every now and then...and I think I need it, plus if I am sweating all day and my uterus is a battleground why not sit back and watch the show.
I don't need to prove to myself that I can still do my thing...
my newly built muscles are not going to disappear overnight.
It will all be alright.

It is summertime, eat some watermelon...
sleep a little later when you can, go for a drive somewhere
collect a few interesting things to remember this time, take some photos.
I mean isn't that what Summer Vacation use to be?!

Brain Vomit

Prom 1986- nope

This was a look for an art get together...I realized afterwards that I looked ready for prom...

or jr prom or sadie hawkins dance or something like that

I am dating myself now....

I have found myself in a slump or sadness

I am not sure which one yet.

I am taking care of myself and working and doing my practice 5 times a week, which I know is connected to my mental health and my ability to sort shit out.

It has become painfully obvious the lack of friends nearby to chat with or have a cuppa caffeine with.

I thought I was making progress at the studio, but being summer, people take off for vacations and often take a while to return to their practice. So I just keep going and looking like a dork or teacher stalker...by taking their classes at the same time every week....I like ritual okay

I also am taking a sound therapy class, which helps me see and sort out art ideas.

It seems super granola, and hippie kid but for me it works.

I see colors and can think through ideas while I sit still for an hour and the teacher simply makes all sorts of sounds....simple but for me effective!

I hit my 5 year milestone as a vegan and yoga practicier

that seems strange too...

I am stronger than I have ever been, and although I will never be a string bean I am happy and thankful for what this Stage 4 Endo body CAN do.

I am often screaming in my head when a back bend happens or some level of flexibility is achieved. The teachers say to let go of ego and not focus on what you can or can not do...but DAMN I can do stuff I never thought I'd be able to, and someday in the future I will be able to do EVEN MORE than I imagined or dreamt. I am keeping that part of my ego and shaky self confidence.

Okay I am rambling....

brain vomit, sorry.

I have been thinking about all the new babies about to enter this world and it doesn't make me bitter or really sad...in fact, I have noticed that I have made a clearly defined line for myself about what I will and will not participate in. Moderate how I react to the sight of a pregnant woman and or a newborn. 

I do still want to hold a baby...but not in front of people so that will not happen....

Yeah I would like to hold your baby but not while you watch or around any of you....shhahhahah

If that doesn't sound dastardly I don't know what does.

I am staying away from news....there is a lot of troll talk about not feeling anything about whats happening unless you are a mom or a parent or a breastfeeder...

Mind you, I am still engaged and writing letters of protest and all that responsibility, but not watching the stories unfold anymore...I would eventually like to not wear my bite-plate to bed!

The world around us here in the states seems to have become a disconnected hose with the water on full blast and just flaying about spraying everyone down and not giving two shits. I am working on managing anger and trying to not get exhausted from the constant need to speed dial my senators and congress people encouraging them to continue to act sane and speak up.

Empathy, sympathy and common sense is something to fight for, daily

There are a lot of people being killed for no reason

a lot of people in pain

a lot of suffering

a lot of hurt

I am reminded that simple things are beautiful and that how I choose to react matters and can teach others, even when you think no one is watching.

I am making choices every day to act kindly, speak kindly, and think kind words in my self talk.

I am also eating more vegan sweets and napping

....that seems to be helping too 💙

Goals and Birthdays

vanilla cake, lime coconut frosting vegan birthday cupcakes

I am not sure why, but I seem to always be SUPER emotional and goal oriented around my birthday.

I had set a goal for myself last year and when I didn't met it I was disappointed 

but kept moving towards it.

 It is something I have wanted to be able to do for longer than I can remember...

It represents a symbol of strength to me...

It is pretty badass

It is something most people can do with almost no effort

What is it?

A pushup

yep...

I have never been able to do one

I want to be able to do one, and not a "girl" push-up

but a kick-ass real deal push-up

I have been working on it for a LONG time... 

and I am proud to report I did it in front of The Barren on the eve of my 

48th birthday, Tuesday night.

The Barren cried he was so happy for me (heart swelling)

I am also of the camp that if it is not documented it didn't really happen

and being a visual person, I needed to photograph it

so I did:

Elbows in against my ribs

down to a 90* bend 

ass up, knees off the floor

legitimate push-up folks!

Sitting and thinking

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently.

Some days it manifests as napping, or seated meditation or wall staring. 

Regardless of its form, I have been doing a lot of reflecting.

I think my rant (previous post) got under my skin...

and seeing it there made me realize I was upset over things that I really don't have space for.

Nor, do I want to have space for...

As I have been aging away from baby-making years, 

I find that the first few years (10 or so) were beyond comprehension painful.

I found depths of sadness I never knew existed.

I almost slipped forever into those places, never to return.

I will never forget those times, although they are years away, they are very close still.

I am thankful for that minuscule/tiny spark in me that said to keep fighting...

keep being a badass, a noisemaker, a warrior.

As I am much farther down that path, 

I am thankful for my bodies ability to heal and recover 

and find new ways to make me fall in love with it again.

I can be okay with turning away from the baby oogling and cooing.

I am okay smiling at toddlers as they give me deer in headlight stares from shopping carts.

I am okay not being Okay with something one day and totally fine with it another.

I am giving myself permission to listen if I want and 

walk away if it don't feel connected with talk of children. 

This last month was endometriosis awareness month

and there was a big campaign on Instagram about it...

people declaring they were or someone they cared about was 1 in 10

people dealing with Endo.

One of the questions asked of the community was:

What gift has your Endo diagnosis given you?

I engaged and said:

 That after my stage 4 diagnosis, I was freed of guilt.

I realized that my infertility reflected nothing I had done wrong. 

I had done nothing wrong

I am practicing in a new yoga studio these days and have pumped up my practice to daily. 

This new studio is closer to home and has a lot of different kinds of classes.

One I take twice a week has been teaching me real meditation skills and I have already found them to be reflecting in my daily routines.*

This last weekend I spent two days cooking for Passover.

I made everything from scratch and we hosted my parents, a new tradition for us.

*The Barren mentioned that I was quite calm, and not frantic like I normally am.

We started this tradition because my mother would be working her tail off of days and when the family came for dinner she never sat and enjoyed the meal herself...for like 45+ years! 

so I make her meal and she and my father sit and enjoy the meal without chaos and distractions and have conversations with us.

This year, I did all the cooking and served a super homemade meal...

My father was not impressed

He didn't like most of what I made and told me so.

*I listened and heard him and sat in those critiques

After they left, I quietly washed dishes and sat down.

I overslept the alarm for class the next morning....

When I was finally awake, The Barren asked if I was alright...

I had been standing for the last two days, and it made sense that I was tired.

I told him I felt hurt that my efforts to impress my father made no difference to my father....

but I understood that I was seeking validation for something I wanted to do.

He not liking the food was his thing.

*Me feeling hurt that he didn't like the food was mine;

I needed to focus on the fact that I enjoyed making the food, 

and thinking of family that had made it before me.

I had no space or desire for the negative places I went

I was more aware of myself now  

I am becoming more aware of who I am now...

and for that I am thankful

Yoga anniversary

Ok, So I try REALLY HARD to not evangelize yoga....
I never want to sound like this....but it is funny as all hell

This last week I celebrated my 4th yogaiversary
I have been going to yoga three to four times a week for four years now!
It is the longest I have ever participated in an activity and still want to go.
This is amazing to me.

what!? are those muscles!!!
extended side angle with a double bind

I started yoga because a couple ladies I know wanted to try it
...I am the only one practicing.

When I began I was just out of my stage 4 endo diagnosis and wanted to find a way to start and reclaim my body back. I was in incredible pain from my cycles
and my back was weak and I felt broken
...just totally broken.

I started to see a difference in the first three months, I was able to mange cycle pain better.
I learned how to breathe more effectively and move my body.
I can manage stress (physical and emotional) better.

I am stronger and feel like I am in control of my body again
I can't do everything I want YET in class,
as I am still figuring out what my endo has seized up and what I can work through
...and what I can mentally believe I can do;
because it really is an exercise of the ego.

I can look at myself in the mirror while practicing,
but I will never be a front row person and I am ok with that.
I can practice next to a visually pregnant woman and not cry or focus on my loss.
I continue to do yoga in strange places at home (like above) and in public places where when I feel stress I do "lions breath" and make The Barren laugh.
I know my tummy will never be flat, no matter how many situps and how much food I restrict,
I carry the visual reminder of my losses in my belly, presenting at 10weeks forever.
I am embracing that too.

I thank my body after every class for being able to heal and move and breathe.
I like feeling strong
I am pretty proud of me right now and I simply wanted to mark this with a post.
I am tooting my own horn
and that is OK too sometimes