Blue dress and pearls

 I awoke today ready to wear something different...

I didn't wake up soon enough to wash my hair first so I threw two barrettes in my mop and shimmed on a dress I had bought online in mid 2020 thinking I would wear it to an art gallery or show.

That didn't happen but I made it work as a celebration dress for today...I dug through my jewelry box and found my pearl necklace, I was gifted a pearl necklace when I was 13. I think I have worn it twice...

Today, today was the day.

A blue polka dot dress with a peter pan collar, and my pearls! 

I watched the inauguration from my phone, holding my breath terrified something horrible was going to happen, and then she walked up to be sworn in and I started to cry, happy light tears... like an exhale that I had been holding for far too long.

A woman in power, a woman of color and substance

HOPE

*******

I have been taking self portraits since the beginning of the year, to help document what feels like a slow decline of my mental health. I was gifted a polaroid camera that takes multiple exposures and it fits well into my photography style. 

It is a classic response that artists turn their gaze on themselves first; they are the closest and most eager subject. Self portraits are as old as art itself...

January 15th 2021

© The Barreness.blogspot.com

Photography is what saved me from myself before and I feel that it is still trying to do it again.  I treat my camera is like an enchanted being...a separate living entity that is capable of influencing me. It has convinced me to mostly be braver than I thought I was, stand my ground to capture what scares me, excites me and inspires me...for that I am forever in it's debt.

I have been taking almost daily self portraits since before quarantine, and it feels like a hissing valve is releasing each time I press the shutter. With this new instant camera it feels a little like spirit photography, except I can capture my mood or dual most dominate emotions running in my mind.

The year hasn't changed much since it turned back to January, in many ways it feels like a 2.0 version, same shit, some features amplified, while other are phased out.

I haven't been sleeping well, despite the fact that I am still meditating multiple times a week, taking vitamins, exercising, and eating healthy...but I am haunted in my sleep by the loss of my animal companions, relationships, travel, forgetfulness and desires.

Last week I was so exhausted, I made some lentil soup, The Barren and I ate, I smoked some pot and slipped into the bath (that barely covered my knees, we are still in a drought) and then fell into a sleep. I was in bed for 11 hours, and slept for maybe 9 of them.

I tried to do it again last night, but I was awake most of the night again, either peeing or staring into the darkness of the ceiling and trying to make the constant static in my ears dissipate.

This week, my father is having back surgery for a pinched nerve that has left him hobbled and unable to stand, walk or sit. The surgeon explained that he could only do this "relief surgery" because there are no beds in the hospital and so this was the best he could offer. Ideally this will reduce some pain, and allow my father to stand again. I'm a little scared but I will spend the day waiting with my mother and bear witness to her manic swings in mood.*

*my mother is my fathers EVERYTHING and she doesn't sleep much and refuses to nap so she prone to bouts of manic swings of extreme happiness or sadness based on what she can process.

2020 was TOO REAL

It was too much, too often, too deeply, and too brightly raw

Alone with my rants

I think the isolation in starting to get to me.

I am sleepy a lot and not really feeling creative.

I have taken to making more masks. 

I had to stop last month because I made my neck spasm from looking down 

at the sewing machine and ironing board.

© The-Barreness.blogspot.com

When I finally stopped I had made close to 90 masks for family and friends.

This time I am breaking up the parts and so far it has protected my neck.

I am up to about 25

I am hoping to sell some...my other job is non-existent even after installing a remote desktop to try and capture anything that might fall through the cracks.

***

Silly rant to follow

***

I am cleaning/tidying up a lot too.

It seems to have totally fallen onto my shoulders.

I cook 90% of the meals, clean, do laundry and the shopping.

I think it is starting to become too much,

I test the waters every once in a while to see what would happen if I didn't stop in the studio and dinner time arrives...it arrives and then I am asked what I was thinking of making...and then I end up stopping and making and cleaning up dinner.

The Barren has taken to baking bread regularly and often I end up cleaning up after that too.

After dinner my dishes are collected and then I find them stacked on the counter, left for cleaning.

I clean them as I find a full sink in the morning massively distracting...

so I am trying to perform an act of kindness for myself.

I am not going to complain about it as I figure it would only leave to an argument and I don't want that energy in the house.

OK rant over...a rant about silly things!

***

-Second rant-

I went to pick up online orders for groceries yesterday. It was a warm day, and I was SHOCKED by how crowded the beach was, the streets were filled with people.

I mean I guess as Americans, just like all the memes I've seen:

we got tired of the virus, so it simply does not exists anymore.

As a rule follower, I am short circuited, by this.

I see new cases every day in my county, and there was a rise two weeks after Easter, and now I expect there to be another two weeks from now.

People have died locally, and still so so so so many people ignore the request to wear a mask.

It is still "suggested" that you wear one.

***

Onto Uterus news:

I made some gifts for two baby showers that are coming up.

I made them and then made sure to get them out of the house ASAP

I didn't mind making the burp cloths and printed onesies, 

but my gosh, I could not have them stay here.

Virtual baby showers!

I mean is this a new hell...??!!

I normally do not go to showers...that is my no-go line in the sand, but

The Barren RSVP'd that we would attend a virtual one...so I am going to a baby shower.

OMFG

I am thankful that it is just us in the home.

We have a small place and the idea that a kiddo would be here too pacing and trying to do school and be occupied is a scenario I can not imagine.

So in that regard, yeah for being Barren.

Also my period is 26 days late so far...

Aside from a pandemic, it appears that I have officially kicked open the peri-menopausal door

I feel a little shaky mentally

I am taking everything slowly...and methodically 

I guess I am grieving the loss of what was, and realizing that it will be a long time before I can go to art shows, or galleries or museums.

It will be a long time before things seem like a new normal.

Maybe it will never be a new normal.

I am just kind of lost for an anchor of okay.

My yoga studio is moving to streaming classes next week...

that might be closer to like being social kind of...

it all feels off.

I do hope you are all feeling less lost and shaky.

Summertime Rolls

I am in this photo, right there with my butt up in the air

This is the Saturday morning class I love to take...

the teacher places a COLD washcloth's on each persons face afterwards and it is a slice of heaven!

it is sometimes a struggle to get there because it ends half an hour after farmers market starts and if you are a regular farmers market goer, you know the best stuff is right when they open...so it is a practice of letting shit go and enjoying being at class, then enjoying the pace of the market when I arrive afterwards. I am also not one of those ladies that 

loves to wear her yoga clothes to do errands and stuff...

so the looks from the farmers while I try and hide a camel toe or my body odor is something too.
I pretend to be blissfully unaware of the stares...

The summer is passing and it seems that the activity I am most often partaking in is sweating...

sweat overnight, wake up and go to yoga and sweat, come home shower and try to not sweat (unsuccessful at that still) then sweat while cooking dinner and cleaning up, evening shower
 and repeat

it probably doesn't help that most of my state is on fire and there has been heat wave after heat wave....so I am not sure if this is a peri-menopausal thing or simply summer.

I am gonna say it is summer because the other option sux!

We have watched friends go on vacations, kids go to summer camp,
and we have even been host to a couple visitors.

Alas, we have not escaped.

I was told that my work was taking a few days off to spend time with family and I got very excited at the idea of not having to commute for a while week...but they shortened the vaca and it fell on the days I am normally not there so no real vacation for me.

I am doing my best to make it productive none the less

but...I got my period and now I am either sweat sleeping or trying to not eat everything in the house.

Happy summer vacation!

 I am still trying....I canceled yoga for myself this week...

it is good to rest every now and then...and I think I need it, plus if I am sweating all day and my uterus is a battleground why not sit back and watch the show.
I don't need to prove to myself that I can still do my thing...
my newly built muscles are not going to disappear overnight.
It will all be alright.

It is summertime, eat some watermelon...
sleep a little later when you can, go for a drive somewhere
collect a few interesting things to remember this time, take some photos.
I mean isn't that what Summer Vacation use to be?!

Exhausted

In day 6 of the fires...

We have returned to our home, while our area is still under mandatory evacuation orders. The threat of fire is no longer an issue. The air was cleaner at the time of that decision, from where we had evacuated to. Now every direction has bad air and on some days it has been listed as worse than Beijing.

So...We are home against evacuation orders, but have no cleaner place to go. We have three air purifiers running full blast, have taped up all the windows and some vents and lights, to decrease smoke leaking into the home. The cats are with us and keeping them safe and comfortable is paramount on the list. We feel like cowpokes..

We have electricity, the boil order on our water has been lifted and we are together and working as a united front. 

But boy, I have to admit, I am exhausted. 

I don't sleep all the way through the night, I have dreams about fire overtaking me and my home.

I am worrying about The Barren and his well being, I am worrying about the cats...I wonder how I will be able to get to work next week as the fire is moving in that direction.

I am toasted, stick a fork in me.

Cycles

The proceeds from this t-shirt help provide menstrual hygiene kits to people experiencing homelessness

I only get my period four times a year now.

It is part of the agreed plan to control my endometriosis, fibroids and cysts. 

It has been working well, and retarding growth on the current fibroids and any creation of new ones.

It has also allowed me to keep my uterus instead of having the suggested hysterectomy.

At first I thought it was like being neutered; taking away something so sacred as a monthly cycle.  The monthly pain left me unable to stand upright, or eat or sleep, so the idea became a welcome retreat from pain and in many ways a space to grieve my lost fertility.

I had to walk away from my efforts twice in 8 years of trying to make a family. 

When I first went off the monthly pill to dive into the pool of trying, I was almost immediately faced with a wall of pain and only after half a year was I able to advocate for further testing which first revealed my fibroids and the sudden growth had me at an oncologist. 

Back on the pill to shrink them and try to give me a window to try to get pregnant again.

The second dive into the pool had me in the ER and multiple trips to the doctor to find answers to the miscarriages. Suddenly 8 years passed and it was too much loss and too much pain to live.

I went back onto the pill after my removal of a large chocolate cyst, and an ovarian cancer scare;

that confirmed my stage 4 endo that had head-locked my ovary behind my uterus, a septum in my uterus and calcified fibroids.

The road was shut.

I grieved and celebrated this information at the same time.

I did nothing wrong in my efforts to get pregnant, but my body that I had lovingly cared, for had decided that no child shall survive in me.

Now 5 years later, I am facing a new kind of knowledge.

My periods which only come quarterly,  will eventually stop coming all together.

I am prepared to grieve that as well.

a bitter sweet party

I have my period now, I have always been a full moon bleeder.

I guess I am a druid that way, an earthy girl, a wolf woman.

I can now not have to decide if the pain is bad enough to need to go to the ER, 

instead I can sit on the couch or sleep away the mood and aches.

Still honoring the need to take care of this body.

My period arrived later than normal this cycle, and for the first time in a LONG time, 

my mind did not go to the "maybe I'm pregnant" thought...

in fact it never even entered my mind.

Instead I thought, soon there will be no more.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you

I celebrated my one year anniversary with yoga. 

According to my yoga teacher I had been there over 165 times in the last year! 

That is a half year in the yoga studio! holy guacamole...

I tried to keep the celebration to myself but to my surprise The Barren noted this as well and got me a gift certificate to a yoga boutique. 

You know the kind of place I would never venture into myself to purchase clothes.

Well I was eager to get a new pair of pants and top, as mine are now having the subtle smell of bleach and tea tree oil and mildew....they have been washed every day after class and hung to dry so as to be ready the next day...but after a year I think the fabric just gives up.

I went to the boutique; assured by The Barren that the women that were working there were not the "typical" yoga body people. It was warm outside but I was wearing a sundress and felt fairly cool...I was greeted by a woman who was very nice and eager to help me find the perfect gift for myself. She was not a beanpole so she understood the "junk in the trunk" issue for finding pants...she told me which companies she liked and I grabbed two pair of printed leggings one with UNICORNS on them!

get them

I was eager to try them on and feel super special. 

I grabbed a tank to try them on with and headed to the changing room. 

I was now sweating. 

The store was warm and the fan really did nothing to cool the air.

I checked my purse three times for a rubber band to tie my now wet neck hair up...no dice.

I then proceeded to peel the dress I was wearing off, and try with GREAT effort to put on the pants.

It was like trying to get a pair of pantyhose on while sweating...plus my lovely Popeye style calf's would not allow the pants to glide over them so by the time I had jumped, hopped and wiggled my arse into the butt of the pants it was and I was a HOT MESS. 

The door of the changing room was not a door but a light piece of fabric, 

so as I jumped it swayed open. I am sure it was a great show!

I peeled off the first pair and looked at another brand thinking maybe they would fit differently.

This time I tried on the top first, well tried, as I was dripping sweat and no matter what I did to pull that top over my shoulders and avoid the pits, as I didn't want to stain the shirt too...

I was stuck, the fabric had rolled onto itself, and would not give way

My boobs were half in the shirt, half begging to be freed of the shelf bra.

I ending up bending in half, and wiggling my shoulders free of the fabric and hanging up the shirt to admire while trying to tackle the second set of pants. topless this time...

When I started the effort, I stopped at the calf again...resigning to the fact that I was not built to wear these leggings either. I fought extreme disappointment and negative voices about my body.

The clerk asked how I did as I emerged from the dressing room.

I am sure she saw the WHOLE thing...but was kind to say that another company was available to try.

I am a glutton for punishment, and so I tried on another brand of pant. 

It took far less effort to pull on and so I got a pair in FUCHSIA, and picked up a tie-dyed tank from the same company without trying it on...I feared what might happen.

I left with credit remaining and a punched ego...but a new top, pants and yoga mat towel.

Following this dance I was due at a business woman's art gathering.

I got in the car, blasted the air conditioning and drove to the meeting location.

I was cooler when I arrived, I had my yoga bag in the back seat so I added a new layer of deodorant to my pits and fluffed my hair and went into the home that was hosting.

I sipped a glass of bubble water and waited for another couple of friends to arrive. I was beginning to heat up again (for reasons unknown to me) and I went to the bathroom to splash some cool water onto my neck and chest...in an effort to cool my body a little more. When I emerged a couple of friends had arrived and I met them in the hallway. One was one I hadn't seen since May and when I saw her then I thought..." I think she is pregnant" turns out she was...and is due in December. 

She was glowing, I mean radiant...it was of no surprise to me.

Joy creates that, and she was filled with glee and joy.

I congratulated her and we joined some other women outside in the shade to chat before the meeting was set to start...I was standing and sipping my water and I could feel the sweat dripping down my back, over my tummy, down my legs. I hoped no one else noticed...but I also realized that I was with a group of women, ans MANY had already gone through menopause so this was nothing to be embarrassed about.

We eventually moved indoors, and sat ourselves for the hosts lecture.

I think it was half way through that I felt the heater turn off in me. 

When the lecture was over, my newly pregnant friend rose from where she was seated and I was struck.

She is one of the most beautiful people I know...I mean goddess beauty.

High cheekbones, tall, lightly freckled skin, quiet and graceful, her hair was now down from her hair comb and cascaded into gentle curls around her chest...beauty!

It sounds like I have a girl crush on her, but really I was just so taken back at her beauty.

It was mesmerizing, and I was just admiring how beautiful it was.

She floated across the floor and I realized at that moment, how obvious it was that we were at two very different stages in our lives. She was making a new person and I was in pre-menopausal.

I returned to a quiet home, The Barren waiting to hear how the day went.

I modeled the new clothes for him, as I was not sweating anymore and the new pants revealed that they are not only a fantastic color but also create an amazing camel toe! ahahaha and the top is a little big.

Go figure

That night I dreamt that I was pregnant, and I needed to tell people.

I was so sad about it, I was thinking to myself in the dream 

" but I was just getting use to this new child-free life, I am so old now to be having a baby"

It was a mixed bag of dream emotions.

Upon waking, I was washed in the feeling of bitter-sweetness and remembering.

It was dark still and a yoga day, so I put on my new camel-toe pants and went to class to sweat it all away.

Shit is getting real....

crime: failed to return a cup of sugar

 

 

I am not quite sure what I am feeling these days:

 

In the last month, I have heard of two more women the same age as me

having double mastectomies

and this last week alone

a suicide of a high school art classmate

and today the death of a college classmate

(We had been on a study abroad trip together)

 

It has triggered a fear that I am not present enough in my life.

...like in a moment to moment way.

I am constantly thinking about my own mortality;

fearful that my life will end at any moment.

I am scared

 

I am trying to feel all these feelings and not hide from them

but they are quite overwhelming

and big

and REAL

 

On the inside I feel like a person walking in tiny circles

hands clutched and curled into my cheast

fearful that someone will literally

rip my heart out of me.

 

On the outside I am trying to smile, keep my eyes open

and be calm...and imagine a soothing unhaunted slumber at days end.



Detachable Penis

 

Since my surgery I have had the most amazing and over the top dreams!

I normally have pretty crazy vivid dreams but these most recent ones seem to be taking the cake.

Day two after surgery: I had a dream I was playing with penises, like they were cards in a deck. Shuffling through them, trying to figure out whose were whose....I awoke laughing.

Day three following surgery: I had a dream that I was giving birth to two little girls. I was in a field of flowers. A commercial field of flowers, the kind that flower growers harvest from...I was desperate to find a place to go inside. Inside I jumped up onto a counter and proceeded to give birth. As I reached for my baby, my hands were pushed away...and the children were taken. Never seen.

I got off the table and wandered in the fields looking for The Barren....then awoke.

Day Four post surgery: I had a dream I was running across open land, running to something, but I am not sure. The earth below my feet became softer and softer. Soon I realized I was small, the blades of grass where engulfing me, and I had to push them out of the way to try and see what was in front of me. The earth gave way and I was slogging through a swamp...the mud filling my clothes and pulling me under. Floating in water...serene and eerie. Over processed blues and turquoise colors, sea grass waving.

Day Six: I had a dream that I was working in a gallery, and that all the art on one wall had sold...some very rich person came in and bought half the show. I was shocked and so excited. The room looked like the inside of a Moroccan tent, lavish rugs and fabric walls, glass chandeliers flickering from the candles inside. The someone came up to me and said they wanted to buy a particular work of art...and showed me an image of a piece that is going to be in an upcoming show I am in this December. She said I must have this...I smiled and recognizing it...and remembered that I needed to still frame it. (in awakened life, I have been debating on what to frame it in, concerned that the frame might be too much, but clearly this appeared as a sign to get it framed, it needs to move on)

Last night: I dreamt about penises again. This time The Barren detached his and handed it to me. I was confused but entertained once again. I had penises in my hands and they were there for my entertainment.

When I told The Barren about the dream, he laughed and started singing the the song:

 

The Barren and I have been making a lot of jokes about this "pelvic rest" thing and how it will be great to be off it. We want to get back to our loving, and jumping and goofing around.

The Barren was telling me bedtime stories last night about how he wants us to go out and have a good laugh, relax and tell all this bullshit to FUCK OFF.

I think we have been cooked this year.

Between starting it with funerals and then my mom and then more death and then the cancers of us...we are done thank you very much.

Our dance card is full and we would like to not be invited to this party again.

 

I just have the followup appointment to get past, the last little bit of anxiousness for this year.

Then I am gonna party...with wild abandonment and I am bringing my penises!

 

Alone at night

Recently my dreams have been highly ramped up....masses of details and information has been pouring into my dream eyes and mind. I am not sure what it all means but I often find myself frustrated at m=not being able to remember all the littlest details when I wake. I have begun to say my dreams out loud the moment I wake up as a way to anchor them of sorts. Writing them down, doesn't work for me as I am blind as a bat and getting my glasses on awakens me to a new level and things begin to fall off the edges and fade rapidly. So now with my eyes still closed, I am reciting my dreams to the air above my head.

This morning I told hubby of the one I had last night.

"I was checking in on an older neighbor that lived next door and she would not speak, but I knew she was not well. She would convey her wellness in states of color, in clothing.

The more color the sicker she was feeling.

When I went to check on her, she opened the door in a rainbow banded Mexican style dress with vivid white, yellow, orange red and green cascading down to her bare feet. 

but her face was a pale green she was waving her arms at me and leaning to the side.

I ran to her door and entered her home, we were then in a far back bedroom where I could tell she was going to collapse. 

I grabbed her shoulders and felt the heat of a fever from her skin. 

She was suddenly small, very frail and she motioned for her dog to come to her. It was a dog I had given her for company. She was then a child and patting its back like an infant would do.

We both sat there and I could feel the fur of the dog on my hand and see its floppy ears silhouetted in the light coming thru the windows..

 I could tell she(the neighbor) was struggling to breathe, and I looked into her eyes and said 

" Rae we love you so very much, you are so so loved"

and with that I woke up.

I felt a longing when I awoke, but not a sadness.