Bog Witches

Melancholy is my new normal.

I am moving slower, staying near home more, being okay with being alone more.

The Barren is in the middle of all his trips for the year; so I am doing my best to center myself with alone time. Art focusing, reading books, talking to the cats, yoga and growing food. 

I am actively trying to be present, but it is like living in a surreal state, where this new world is unfolding around me daily/hourly. It is hard to still wrap my head around how much has been lost, and how much is still being taken by this Sherbert Pervert and his minion of cowards.

****

I took the train to meet The Barren after his week long conference so we could drive home together and selfishly I could spend time with him from the very moment he was freed of his work commitments. The train took 6 hours, I got off, hugged and kissed my sweetie and then got into his car and we started the drive back home. I have done this a few times because I can't bear the idea that he would have to drive home, exhausted alone. So I am there as an optional driver and company. This year we stopped at a "plant butcher" so I could have a meal that I didnt have to cook. I tried legumes for the first time in a long while and although I was terrified about how my body might react, it did alright! I had the farts and a little bloat, but zero pain and I was happy about that.

A party this past weekend had questions about how I was feeling and it sat strange with me. Afterwards, I told The Barren that I don't want to talk about my health in social situations anymore. There is so much attached to it, like an oozing barnacle of attached emotions. In the end, it leaves me feeling badly about myself and I don't want to feel that way anymore. He heard me and saw what a spiral it sent me into. So hopefully that will be something of the past for now.

It felt empowering and scary to set that line in the ether.I am proud of myself for doing it.

***

                My car has driven to the moon and then some, I have diven it over 290,000 miles.
                                                            The moon is 238,900 miles.

While I was picking up my car from the mechanics after a routine oil change/inspection, I was joking with the woman who runs the office for her brother the mechanic (much like my work situation).  I told her that I had worked out really hard that morning and I was afraid to sit in the provided chair, as I might have a really hard time standing again. We joked about aging and new noises our bodies make and then she said, 'We having a meeting of bog witches the first of each month at a local divebar, we call it "bookclub" but it is mostly a group of older gals sitting and making community. Sometimes we make protest signs, sometimes we just bitch or learn about native plants. If you would like to join us, this is where we meet and you are welcome swing by and hang out with us"

I felt sooooooo coool! Like the coolest person in school invited me to sit with them at lunch, because I was unique and they liked it!

Needless to say, I will battle my introvert tendencies and do my best to join their next meeting.

It was so flipping cool.

Then I paid my $200 bill and left on my broom, that looks like a well loved and cared for car.

Ironic

 So last year I saw Alanis Morsette at a local eatery and I was star-stuck and giddy...it took days for the smirk to fade from my face. It was like getting a postcard from me of the past. Music that made me feel good, powerful and emotionally strong. As I was talking to The Barren about it, he said " I didn't know this about you, I love hearing how much you really connected with her music"

Now, we are choosing to not revisit that eatery as it is one of many places in town that support the current administration. We have chosen to make purposeful choices with our money and patronage. One of the small but important acts we can take in our little life right now.

A lot of the time it feels like the moment the gang from Scooby Doo reveal the villain.

Or when I realized the lilypads were fake at Disney and were really water filters.

I have the Goods app on my phone and although it makes my shopping take a bit longer, I feel less weighed down by my final choices and have switched things up in our life.>I went to Jury Duty last week and while sitting in a room of people I wondered how many voted for this shit-show of a government. I didn't have a long stay, turns out there were no cases that day and we all got dismissed and so I left for home a couple hours after arriving....then proceeded to get more obvious signs of a brewing head cold or side effects from my most recent infusion. I know I have been running on adrenaline, depression, stress and ADHD, so it doesn't come a total surprise that there was a tear in the fabric of my well being and a bug got in. The idea of serving on a jury occupied a lot of my mind and I was quite conflicted how I felt about the act. The US is running on fear and lawlessness, chop and burn techniques and frankly the SAVE act, that wants to remove more rights had me wondering why should I uphold/believe in a system that is set to tear down and remove more persons rights?

I know my stress is high because I am over processing and over planning all the parts of an upcoming fumigation for the community I live in. I have read pages and pages about the fumigant, I have researched it and after effects and what I can and can't control.

Can't: my front door plants will probably die

Can: order bins for dry goods and take them to a friends for a few days, arrange cat boarding because no hotels allow cats, and my reaction to the variables.

Last night I made a choice to go to a local city council meeting to support some friends that were speaking before the board. The room was packed! Standing room only it was a hot topic, asking the city council if they would protect its citizens from federal overreach; protect residents from deportation, protect our trans residents and protect doctors and residents healthcare and abortion rights. 

The city council listened to 132 speakers, including teens who were wanting safe care, wanted to stop hiding from ICE officers for fear of being deported, parents asking for protection for their trans kids and themselves...each had 1 minute to talk. Many were in support of the measure, which would add additional protections beyond the state and federal constitution and then there were the racists, and "right to lifers" screaming about how it would kill babies complete with their billboards and yelling over people, bullying speakers. When everyone said their piece, 4 hours later, I sat there and listened to the board saying they wanted to do something BUT....they feared lawsuits and federal funding being with drawn, they felt it would only be words and nothing more...in the end they ended up pushing it another 6 weeks out.

I awoke this morning, still battling whatever is in my sinuses and head...weary and dull.

Last night it felt like I was witnessing history again, apathy and fear proving stronger than community and strength and comfort.

To look for the good; I stood beside people I socialize with who were there to fight for more protections for people they don't know, maybe know, and love. I took heart in that. I watched women plead with the council to protect them and their children from unwarranted racial profiling and deportations.

My heart hurts...

it hurts so badly.

  

I wondered where the super hero is, who is going to make this all go away fix all the cracks and swoop up the bigots and racists? and then I remembered it had to be me and the wary army fighting a goliath of a cause...the snowball that has grown big and needs to smash into a shed.

Bread was my life

I was reading posts this last week, well I read them on almost a daily basis and read this one by Mel of Stirrup Queens during her weekly Roundup, and it seemed to trigger me. 

The question was: Which favorite food would you never eat again if you were told you had to give it up? You couldn’t cheat and name something you didn’t really love. You had to take one of your favorites and say goodbye forever.

Sadly, this isn't a hypothetical question for me anymore.

For me it is Bread: toast, sandwiches...there are many others, but this one seems to always float back to the top of the puddle of tears.

In fact even reading the question brought back memories from the schoolyard of who you'd rescue from a sinking ship, your mom, dad or brother...and I could never answer the question, as it always sent me into a spiral of sadness and despair trying to figure out how I could save them all...

I have found my list to be extensive and at times VERY HEAVY. Laden with sadness and restrictions and constant thinking how to make situations work.

This is not a foreign landscape for me, but as of the last almost year, my trek has become almost vertical in its scale. Becoming vegetarian at 16 was new territory, then vegan at 42, then, vegan, gluten-free and anti-inflammatory/no nightshades at 52 has definitely been the hardest.

I have always been a person who isn't comfortable at ALL with people making a fuss over MY food choices. I will agree to go anywhere when dining with family or friends. Always navigating the menu to not make it a big deal and remind myself that I am there for the company not the food.

The Barren and I have worked hard on finding something in many of our favorite locations, so that he can on a whim bring home something or we can have a date out out. He is BEYOND graceful at always trying to find someplace new when we go on adventures to make sure I can fill my belly with something.

But I miss many foods: I miss summer tomatoes and grilled eggplant and bell peppers. I miss not being afraid of being in pain over a simple food choice. I miss the culture that is food...

*I am having a small pity party*

At my last infusion my nurse asked me if I would like any snacks while I sat and waited for my IV to finish, and I smiled and said no thank you. She then realized that I couldn't, and said I was so strong.

This made me feel uncomfortable, it seemed like she picked the wrong words.

I am a rule follower, my doctor laughed at the idea that my vice is a meal with white rice or a white potato in a soup.

Sometimes I feel the weight of having to make all these choices every day.

So my pick to the question is bread....I have tried A LOT of the varieties available.

I have even been known to go to other cities to find a loaf of vegan gluten free bread, 

so see if it tastes okay.

Only one bakery (about an hour away) made one I liked, but sadly, they just shuttered their store because of increasing costs.

Most of the commercially produced bread has eggs or leaves a bitter after taste from sorghum maybe?

So I am left without cinnamon toast as a comfort food.

Mind you, I am a creative woman, and 

I have started making a stack of new recipes...but frankly it is becoming exhausting.

I think I foreshadowed this happening when my Mama needed to find soy milk when I stopped breastfeeding and it was nearly impossible. So they just gave me regular milk and I had a constant stuffy nose and tummy aches pretty much until I went vegan! 

So I am creating a new lifestyle, a new fussy way of eating/living.

I don't have to like it, I just have to eventually accept it.

In many ways this question is very much like infertility. What would you give up even though you loved the idea of it....sigh

What would you pick?

Duck and Cover

Hiding from the world

I work with a sibling, we've worked together for decades...

either at a family business or an outside business run by someone else.

Regardless, we are still siblings and so that dynamic is still very much in play.

Yesterday was a tough one....

we fall on different sides of the spectrum on many issues and we are both strong willed so conversations can get heated but always civil.

Yesterday they arrived and put their soap box down and stepped on about a half an hour after arriving. 

The difference is that I recently have been listening and not commenting back-

firearms was the first topic

then meat

then critiques about how I respond to situations.

When tensions are highest, is when the business is under stress from deadlines 

and family responsibilities outside the office.

Yesterday, I knew was going to be tough because we are understaffed and there are A LOT of orders due...so I usually brush it all off and most things don't stick.

yesterday was an entire 8 hour shift of things being flung at me.

Our parents visited during that time and even commented that the day seemed to be lobbing a lot at me verbally.

I smiled and did not engage still.

When it was time to go, I was TOTALLY spent from holding up my mask of calm.

I got into the car and drove the hour home in silence.

I came home and feed the cat and fell into bed (fully clothed) and burrowed myself under a blanket despite the 80 degree F weather.

I fell into a daze for an hour...mentally housecleaning.

letting things out...letting things go...pulling words and situations off and out of my skin.

I ate a comfort meal of miso and ramen noodles and went to bed.

This morning I was awakened by the cat throwing up 

(most animal companion caretakers can shoot out of bed from a deep sleep to these sounds) 

I decided that today I was going to skip yoga class and simply be kind to me.

My take away was how it made me feel.

I need to tell them that their words hurt me.

That those same words spoken at home would hurt

I adore my sibling...and often we are a great team 

but yesterday was wicked

Today my state (the whole damn state) is on power shutoff notice....

Autumn has arrived.

the poison oak is in bloom and the wind and fire watch is at extreme.

and apparently tempers as well.

If you have gotten this far...

thanks for listening to me

I think you are amazing and kind and good 

Soapboxing and babble

On the day after the democratic convention I was so taken by the idea that 

we might be able to get women in positions of power

I was a bit emotionally overcome and felt my inner suffragette start to roar....

I got this shirt

I believe we are the closest we have ever been to shifting the patriarchal structure

which is exciting and LONNNNNG overdue

I needed to add my two cents by being a human billboard

The other day I wore this shirt out in public.

I live in a mixed political neighborhood...

so I have not wanted to invite screams or bullying

Instead we went to a nearby town that is far more granola

I had forgotten what I was wearing...as one often does after getting dressed in the morning.

I hear some snickers...

I didn't think anything of it for a while and then when I heard one of the people repeat what was written on my shirt...I knew the cause.

I was not sure how to interpret her response...but she seemed tickled by the words.

So I will take it as an OK response, and thankfully not a verbally abusive one.

This political environment has not only myself, but friends having nightmares about the circus possibilities. The family that agrees with the potential of circus america is even harder to avoid on social media...I just keep filling my feed with period positive articles, women's health changes and  positive options for the world around us. Avoiding confrontations with said family.

*****

Speaking of circuses:

We attended a child's 1st birthday party, a friend of ours....the one that used the name we had secreted away for our own never to be baby. 

I can say the baby's name now and not have it hurt so deeply...I created a mantra that repeated that he was not our "baby name" but a different one.

The baby was not the only baby there, in fact it felt like everyone brought babies.

There were new babies, toddlers and small children.

The Barren and I stayed for a bit, and when the cake came out we left soon afterwards.

We were quiet and in funny moods afterwards...so we went home and ate some potato chips and watched crappy TV to decompress.

 In the big picture world, that is a major step.

In our current world, it is still a bump for us in a day; one that takes an entire day to recover from and requires quiet, and junk food and mood swings.

I've read many times over that "mercury is in retrograde"- which always made me think....

hold strong, shits about to REALLY hit the fan. 

Recently though, while at a coffee shop I was given some words of wisdom from another woman who was also waiting for caffeine.

She looked like Joan Jett so I think that drew me into her words.

She explained that mercury in retrograde really means that we should look inward and how we talk to ourselves and ask to be heard. It helps our brains de-clutter and reconfigure.

So on that note...I am off to abuse the post-it notes and reconfigure

It is all fun and games...

It is all fun and games until your doctor says:

 "perimenopausal" 

multiple times in a visit.

Time is marching on and I am apparently aging, regardless of my 

inability to believe it.

Tired at mid-day= besides waking up at 4am daily...

you are gonna find that it takes longer to recover.

Periods acting weird, even on a BCP= you are 46, we are seeing signs of perimenopause

night sweats= perimenopause

pissed off at what I am saying= perimenopausal

That spot I need to burn off your face= stupid things you did as a teenager, now you will pay for it!

They say aging is a gift, I understand that 

I believe that

I am thankful for still being able to walk this earth...

Aging, the process is a mystery and many facets are mysterious

I need to corner people and ask questions...

I need information!

Apparently, even though I feel like an awkward 17year old on the inside

I am still a 46 year old on the outside

sigh

Thankful Thursday

 

 

This article is hitting the internets today, and I am thankful someone in the fashion world

has their eyes open.

Although I think these models are FAR from Plus size, I am thankful that some stores are actually displaying them as options for shoppers.

I know I would feel a hell of a lot better about myself if I saw these instead of the

pre-puberty bodies often displayed:

 

image via: I am bored

 

HERE is the link to the article

Detachable Penis

 

Since my surgery I have had the most amazing and over the top dreams!

I normally have pretty crazy vivid dreams but these most recent ones seem to be taking the cake.

Day two after surgery: I had a dream I was playing with penises, like they were cards in a deck. Shuffling through them, trying to figure out whose were whose....I awoke laughing.

Day three following surgery: I had a dream that I was giving birth to two little girls. I was in a field of flowers. A commercial field of flowers, the kind that flower growers harvest from...I was desperate to find a place to go inside. Inside I jumped up onto a counter and proceeded to give birth. As I reached for my baby, my hands were pushed away...and the children were taken. Never seen.

I got off the table and wandered in the fields looking for The Barren....then awoke.

Day Four post surgery: I had a dream I was running across open land, running to something, but I am not sure. The earth below my feet became softer and softer. Soon I realized I was small, the blades of grass where engulfing me, and I had to push them out of the way to try and see what was in front of me. The earth gave way and I was slogging through a swamp...the mud filling my clothes and pulling me under. Floating in water...serene and eerie. Over processed blues and turquoise colors, sea grass waving.

Day Six: I had a dream that I was working in a gallery, and that all the art on one wall had sold...some very rich person came in and bought half the show. I was shocked and so excited. The room looked like the inside of a Moroccan tent, lavish rugs and fabric walls, glass chandeliers flickering from the candles inside. The someone came up to me and said they wanted to buy a particular work of art...and showed me an image of a piece that is going to be in an upcoming show I am in this December. She said I must have this...I smiled and recognizing it...and remembered that I needed to still frame it. (in awakened life, I have been debating on what to frame it in, concerned that the frame might be too much, but clearly this appeared as a sign to get it framed, it needs to move on)

Last night: I dreamt about penises again. This time The Barren detached his and handed it to me. I was confused but entertained once again. I had penises in my hands and they were there for my entertainment.

When I told The Barren about the dream, he laughed and started singing the the song:

 

The Barren and I have been making a lot of jokes about this "pelvic rest" thing and how it will be great to be off it. We want to get back to our loving, and jumping and goofing around.

The Barren was telling me bedtime stories last night about how he wants us to go out and have a good laugh, relax and tell all this bullshit to FUCK OFF.

I think we have been cooked this year.

Between starting it with funerals and then my mom and then more death and then the cancers of us...we are done thank you very much.

Our dance card is full and we would like to not be invited to this party again.

 

I just have the followup appointment to get past, the last little bit of anxiousness for this year.

Then I am gonna party...with wild abandonment and I am bringing my penises!

 

Today in the news....

* another soapboxy sort of post*

 

 

ok so all sorts of crazy stuff swirls around us daily and personally I try to navigate around the fake news stuff....like movie star dinners out, sports team negotiations, and telephone releases (sorry) ...but I do follow medical news as I am really bad at taking vitamins and I am always curious about how to make up for being a dork about simple things.

 

Anyhoo, I saw this today:

 

Mother-to-daughter womb transplant

'success' in Sweden

Doctors say the operations will only be considered a complete success if they result in children

Here is the whole article for those who want to read more

 

um, no pressure or anything...and WOW

this is clearly highlighting the lengths and heights women will go to in an effort to get pregnant.

I admire the trial, but I am also heartbroken by it.

When will it be enough? How will you ever know when you have "tried everything",

or crossed off everything on your list ? Is it when you are left as a mere shadow of yourself

feeling totally defeated?

I am often thankful that The Barren and myself made these clear defining lines before trying to become parents...so when the emotions were so thick, and the sadness was so dark we were able to make choices.

I admire women, I care about women and I am often concerned about women who fall down the rabbit hole, and get lost and overtaken on the path.

Directed by empty promises

.

I know many of these women get pregnant, and many have chosen to take these paths.

It was not a path we chose, but I am not your enemy, nor am I judging you.

 

I am just concerned about how doctors seem to take advantage of couples.

It is those that I am referring to...I am most concerned about. 

 the all cards on the table, all the chickens

The all to familiar story of: 

"Well first you have to try these four things that will most likely not result in a pregnancy first, break your heart into a million pieces, finance yourself into a hole and then dangle a carrot just out of reach so that you are always feeling like you have never done enough"

I can only image what these women are about to go through next, their mothers gave them their uterus and now the doctors are pacing to see if they can get pregnant.

One has already had her path face cancer, another wasn't even born with a uterus...the emotional expenses so far are huge!

I am sending out love and strength to these ladies, I am sure your road was not easy up to now, and I fear it will continue to be a bumpy ride.

 

BIG love your way

 

Soapboxxing

No wordless Wednesday here:

I'm feeling stepped on...so out comes my soapbox

 

I went to get a salad for lunch and in the15 minutes it took in my car I heard enough discussion on the current debate of women's health issues that I stormed into my work with lunch in hand and declared:

 

"I am really concerned about the quality of life women will be facing"

 

I work with ALL MEN and the first thing that was said in response to me stepping onto my soap box was " I don't understand why these politicians are even involved in women's health issues"

ahh I am glad I work with some progressive men

 

OK so I am starting to get concerned...more then normal, maybe I am feeding into the chaos...but from what I am hearing and witnessing...things are going apeshit crazy!

This is the spark that has started my fire and desire to speak up:

 

The recent comments from Todd Akin, and the AMAZING open letter from the multifaceted and talented Eve Ensler (Vagina Monologues creator)

 

 

I spent over an hour listening to the RNC last night via NPR news.

I was driving home and it was quiet and I had undistracted time and although the evening events lasted longer then an hour...that is what I had.

NPR had no commentary, just the ability to listen, and I wanted to hear what was being said.

I try and be as educated as possible when I go to vote, I have only missed voting once since registering and that was 20 years ago.

I want to hear both sides, and understand the points of views...

Not a lot of specifics were talked about last night in the hour I listened

...but what was said left me unsettled and scared.

I will continue to listen and watch, but I can say so far, no good.

 

I am a BARREN WOMAN and I feel like my vagina and uterus is up for discussion, casual conversation and that options about how I choose to live with it are not secure.

 

I came home to see this wonderful post by Pamela, and felt the same way, I am not being addressed.

 

When I spoke with The Barren last night when, I said to him, I am feeling like I am on shaky ground.

"I am warning you now; I might start hauling around a bullhorn and soapbox to declare how I am not happy. I am not going to tell others what to do, but I am going to tell political persons what they are doing to me is not OK".

 

He said: " good deal" and smiled

 

 

Uterine power activate, form of strong and vocal woman

 

Reading in between the lines

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