In-laws and outlaws

Tuesday of last week, marked two weeks since my second vaccine dose and meant I was fully vaccinated.

Over a month ago, I made an appointment for my first haircut since August 2019...I am not normally a hair person, but my hair was making me feel older and it was chaotic, something I normally embrace, but a haircut made me feel a little pretty and I was ready to honor that need. I tipped my hairstylist 100% because he is awesome and I wanted to celebrate him and his new downsized business. I have gotten my hair cut by him for 20+ years!

I then went to the dentist, and it ended up being far less stressful than I thought it was going to be...apparently all dentists are booked solid, so I was glad I made that appointment too.

And because I was now fully covered, we made a spur of the moment choice and visited The Barren's father, as he is immune compromised we both needed to be covered. This meant a road-trip and a day long drive. It was great to see him and hug him and spend even a little bit of time with him.

He is married to a woman who has very very high levels of need. She controls most situations by delays, she has a hard time transitioning from one task to another and is chronically late. Now my father in law is all engulfed by it as well and so they get lost from time lines for weeks. The Barren texted his father asking if they would be home this past weekend and he said yes, and then we booked a hotel and told him we were coming to visit, after hearing it, FIL changed days that he would be available (they are getting their floors done) and we added another day to the hotel and said great see you then. The Barren told his father he wanted to visit a music shop with him and that they would only be open a few hours after we arrived so we would pick him up to make the timeline...When we arrived it was a fairly swift transition, as his wife was staying behind to walk the dog.

We ordered food before returning home with pizza for us four and on arriving, his wife spent another hour+ doing who knows what and delaying dinner (she did put the pizza into the oven while she did something else while we all waited) the oven turned our pizzas into crackers. DH and I sat waiting at folding tray tables waiting for her to begin dinner....

The following day we went over after breakfast so The Barren and his father could play music for a bit which is all The Barren wanted to do to connect with his father. 💓(his dad doesn't call often and is even harder to get a call back from these days) While the guys played music I sat listening to his wife talk about things, and try to not take any bait:

What do you think about what is happening in Israel? What about this other political situation, I mean how can they eat cows...why would you not want to get the vaccine, I don't think your reactions were what you think, I hear people are waiting longer to have kids...

At that the Barren chimed in and said, "yeah we are still waiting"

Then she suggested we go to a music festival at a local winery, we jumped at the opportunity to go and we all gathered our things to go, then we waited...she took another hour to get ready to head out the door. I had squirreled some snacks in our car, thankfully. They get so wrapped up in tasks she doesn't really eat regularly and I am a woman who likes to snack all day long! So I was hungry...they brought their dog too, who is a rescue that has serious anxiety issues and can not be left alone. So she was panic panting the whole time and it was really hard to witness, I also was having a hard time being around sooooooooo many people kind of wearing masks. 

This is when I began to get " sparkles" my optical migraine trigger and whispered to The Barren about it, but my MIL heard and stopped taking photos of children dancing to ask if I wanted an aspirin (which was nice) I tried really hard to down play it, but it was the perfect out of a stressful, situation and so we scapegoated me and left early. As we said goodbye to my FIL,I got a photo of DH and FIL and it was lovely and bittersweet. 

The Barren drove us into town while I fought a freight train of a migraine and a panic attack. We got dinner, as we were famished and I did some conscience breathing exercises while I waited for the migraine drugs to kick in. MIL texted and we pretended that we were already back at the hotel and I was sleeping, when were were actually secretly eating and then going to the hotel to sleep. MIL offered to bring us leftover cracker pizza and we thanked her for the beautiful gesture but we were fine.

The next morning we left for another full day of driving back homeward.

Sigh

On the way home we made an effort to stop and see things we never had, after all, this was the closest to a vaca we'd taken in multiple years! It was another exhausting day and when we rolled into a town only a couple hours from home, we booked a pricey room at the hotel my art is in...TOTAL splurge!

It was super cool to see it in person after all this time.

The hotel was delayed in opening, and when it had a soft opening in Dec 2019 I wasn't able to make it, then 2020 closed the hotel and then opened it and then closed it and now it is open again. So we went to see the work finally installed.

When we checked in, I gleefully told the reception person that I was the artist that made the lobby's artwork...they looked up and said "oh" and then looked back at the computer.

Trying to not let them dull my sparkle, I asked if people ask about the art on the walls, the reception person said " not really" their apathy was enough and I walked back over to the art and quietly had my own party in my head.

We drove home the next morning, after I had taken as many photos as I could think of taking.

It was a 2021 kind of vaca-we walked into our door, dropped our dirty laundry into the basket, I walked into the kitchen and began making dinner. It was gone...all of it was done and we were back to Homeostasis.

Since returning, I have gone to see our "girl" and her babies, attended my online art lecture and today after consulting a physician friend, I went to the final class of a favorite teacher, and returned to my first in studio hot yoga class since March 2020. (strangely emotional)

I wore my mask the whole time, the only one doing that. I got a spot closest to the door, right next to one of the three air scrubbers that run during the class and got a sweat on and left afterwards. Passing a studio full of unmasked people. Vaccination proof is honor system, so I took extra actions.

Things are trying to get back to what they were, but it will never be the same again. And it seems that as hard as people try, it seems more and more offset.

I am good and healthy

I got the phone call while dropping off artwork at the gallery.

I had to take the call in a public place....

I repeated what the Nurse said:

"clear and good, nothing present"

I folded in half with relief

the curator walked up to me and said...

that sounded like good news

I said yes, I had a test and it is clear.

What were you tested for?

I had a biopsy from my uterus, they wanted to rule out cancer.

She turned white and said she was so very glad to hear the news....

I told her it felt like I could take a deep breath.

I remember thanking her again for including me in the exhibition and I floated out of the gallery and landed in a metaphysical gift store a couple doors down where I bought my bestie a set of Animal Spirit Guide cards

Since the news I have been kind of numb and very thankful

very present 

and quieter

I enjoyed a quiet Christmas with The Barren

and then with family

I am fine, I am good, I am thankful 

and peri-menopausal

You are a wreck

So I went to the endo doctor....

I had The Barren come with me, well, because it was a male doctor and as sexist as that sounds often times when I have visited a male doctor they talk down to me unless The Barren is present.

It sucks and is sad, but true.

So I brought back-up

Also, I had MASSIVE white coat and I wanted a second set of ears to hear what my brain dropped with its high screeching sound.

I was sweating and anxious and although my clots had stopped on Monday, I was still spotting.

The doctor came into the exam room like a cowboy on a bulldozer.

Sat down in front of me with my folder and said:

"You are peri-menopausal.

that is why you are bleeding like this."

"We've met before, but you were asleep" (creepy)

He assisted on my ovarian cystectomy and stage four endo confirmation.

" yep, you are total mess, everything is just all mucked up in there."

He was trying to make light of things I think...but it came across a little like a used car salesman

He told me that when I got tired of bleeding I should consider a D&C or Uterine Ablation or both.

But first, 

" We need to do an endometrial biopsy, to confirm that you don't have uterine cancer. I don't think you do, but it is important to confirm that.

I have my nurse practitioners do them because I don't like to hurt people and they hurt. Because I have never had any children, my cervical opening is small or totally closed and they might not be able to do the biopsy, so if that is the case then they would do it with a D&C""

I saw The Barren go pale when the doctor described the process 

and I think I left my body at that moment.

He suggested that I double up on my BC pill to up the hormone and if it works then we can switch to another pill and just take them back to back.

Oh, and you can only take the pill until you are 50 so you only have a little bit of time left on that.

then you are considered Menopausal and you shouldn't be on the pill anymore.

I told him I was most afraid of having to have a hysterectomy and he told me that he had ZERO desire to do one, that he doesn't even have it on the list of options....unless needed.like uterine cancer.

That was a relief among the land mines.

He also said that caffeine or alcohol are not triggers for endo and that I should be drinking champagne whenever I want and enjoying my cup of tea in the morning.

I left the office with a biopsy appointment, with a nurse practitioner that was versed in the procedure of difficult subjects, and the lady at the front desk said she would ask if a should take some kind of medicine ahead of the procedure to help make it easier for us both...but it wasn't an anti-anxiety drug.

I left the appointment feeling like I had been run over by a mack truck!

I was dizzy and shaking and confused and so very sad.

I spoke to a pharmacist yesterday that confirmed that doubling up on the BC pill was a good option and if the spotting stopped then get a new prescription with that dose and take three 28 day packs back to back. 28 day packs have a wider range of dosages of hormone than the 91day generics I take.

I started last night and aside from some nausea this morning, I feel pretty alright and the spotting seems to be stopping too! 

I did yoga yesterday and today...that helped A LOT.

I am scared of the biopsy, but keep trying to focus on it being a 10-15 minute 

procedure and that the pain will be temporary.

The Barren is taking me to and from the appointment that day.

I am so done with this bullshit

I am done with doctors

I am done with the sadness

I am done with painful procedures

I am done with feeling so overwhelmed

but something somewhere in me won't let me totally give up and give in

I still have some dim flame of hope that this will be it, the last of it for a long spell 

Happy Birthday Lefty!

5 years ago I took a test that saved my ovary!

I celebrate that day as a new birthday for my ovary ever since.

Today is my left ovaries birthday.

I have had several new cycles with her and she has not decided to grow anything new!

I am thankful for that 

Here is to lefty

formally Quasimodo

I am looking to celebrate many more healthy birthdays with you ⭐

It is all fun and games...

It is all fun and games until your doctor says:

 "perimenopausal" 

multiple times in a visit.

Time is marching on and I am apparently aging, regardless of my 

inability to believe it.

Tired at mid-day= besides waking up at 4am daily...

you are gonna find that it takes longer to recover.

Periods acting weird, even on a BCP= you are 46, we are seeing signs of perimenopause

night sweats= perimenopause

pissed off at what I am saying= perimenopausal

That spot I need to burn off your face= stupid things you did as a teenager, now you will pay for it!

They say aging is a gift, I understand that 

I believe that

I am thankful for still being able to walk this earth...

Aging, the process is a mystery and many facets are mysterious

I need to corner people and ask questions...

I need information!

Apparently, even though I feel like an awkward 17year old on the inside

I am still a 46 year old on the outside

sigh

Self Preservation

** warning, melancholy posting **

some of the 15 nuns that packed the local frozen-yogurt shop

I went and had my annual ultrasounds and mammogram. 

I have had mammos since I was 34, as I found a lump then (it was nothing)

 and have just never stopped getting annual ones.

I look at it as a mark of pride, I am taking care of myself.

This year was different, as I requested an ultrasound of my breasts as well. The read from last year said that my dense breast tissue was hard to read and an ultrasound was recommended for a better view.

I booked my pelvic ultrasound that same day...I spent two hours having wands in my vagina, having my breasts compressed and then pressed and pushed on with copious amounts of warmed jelly.

While this was happening, a friend from high school passed away after a 5 year fight with breast cancer.

I am still shaken by her death, I saw her just before my surgery almost two years ago. She brought her daughters to a shared art studio so I could explain an art-making process to them. 

She was vibrant, her daughters glowed from all the love she showered on them. I followed and spoke to her via social media and then, she was not commenting on things. I started thinking about her more and more and then the messages started to appear on her page, and I asked if something had happened. Her mother posted that she was in hospice care and that it would not be long, as she was ready to go.

She passed two days later.

I was not close with her in high school, and I lost all contact with her afterwards..and something made us find each other many years later, maybe a reunion or something silly.

Our high school was a small one and in many ways everyone pretty much knew everyone.

The loss of a classmate, even one you are not close with seems big and close.

The memorial is at the end of this month, and although it is an open invite to all who knew her, 

I feel it is too intimate and I am choosing to not attend.

Instead I am making a donation to a charity she held dear.

Call it self preservation, I can not bear another heartbreak right now. 

I am grieving in many ways for her, she is the fourth woman I know in this last year to have breast cancer. 

It is a lot to witness.

clearly nothing like having to live with, but right now witnessing it is almost too much.

I feel conflicted about my decision, but guilt should not be a motivator to attend a memorial.

I have been reflecting a lot about what is important to me; 

this latest loss has only highlighted again who and what is important in my life.

I spent last weekend with my bestest-bossum-buddy.

She was in town visiting family and to my surprise she worked a WHOLE day away from her people 

and we just spent it talking, uninterrupted and openly and unabridged.

It was a treat for us both and when I came home I found myself in deep withdrawal.

I get to see her again in a month and a half or so...

we live many hours away from one another

All of this made me reflect, deeply and clearly into myself.

it has me feeling raw and open and melancholy as well...but,

I started to think of the superhero, the one I am making of myself.

If I remember correctly, most comic book heroes have:

 extreme heartbreak (check)

isolation (check)

determination to change themselves (check)

a bumpy road of learning (check)

revelations in unexpected places (check)

I guess I am on the right course.

plus my pants finally arrived:

Waiting for that shoe

" the doctor will see you now Barreness"

 

I have yet to return to work, The Barren wanted me to take the full time and wait until I saw my doctor before heading back into the pit of chaos known as work.

These last few days have been filled with me trying to do more and more so that I could gain momentum, and the shock of a full workday and commute would be lessened.

I sat on my arse all day yesterday posting to my shop and writing a newsletter to my collectors and art colleagues so I am still relevant.

 

I am mostly trying to not think about tomorrows doctors appointment.

I really have no idea what to expect or what to prepare for.

 

The Viscountess came over the day before yesterday and spent the day here, she was a brave cowgirl and sat as passenger as I took to the wheel for the first time in two weeks. I ran some errands and she kept me company. It was nice, it kept me light and I felt like I could spoil her a little by picking up lunch and we sat and chatted as we ate.

I had left the room when her cell phone rang and only returned to hear her say to the person on the other end:

" well, we had a thing with our daughter. Yes, we thought she had ovarian cancer, but thankfully that was not the case. but they were able to tell her why they couldn't conceive.
Yes I am with her now, I will call you later "

 

It was hard to hear those words; it was hard to hear her have to say them.

This morning I got out of bed, tried not to puke and then took a shower.
As I had yet to see the doctor I still had to follow orders of:
 "not letting the spray directly hit your incisions"
Shower time is like twister...lots of bending into shapes that are not normal.
I got dressed and was able to button my jeans and headed to the appointment arriving ten minutes ahead of time. I was placed into a room that took my breath away:

creepy and very prepared for splashes

I was told to undress from the waist down and wait for the doctor on that chair.

It was icky and I was left alone longer then I should have been.

My doctor arrived and I mentioned to her " this is quite a room"

she agreed...and then went to tell me about the results.

I have stage four Endometriosis, she said

"you pretty much have really horrible horrible endometriosis"

She went on to tell me how my tubes are suppose to be in front of my uterus but they are behind it and twisted and fused to other bits of scar tissue. She went over the pictures she took with me.

I thanked her for saving my ovary and she was gracious about that.

I asked if any pathology was done on the cyst and she said yes:

It all came back benign and no signs of cancer.

I was happy....

then she mentioned again my fertility, my mood went into " mask mode"

She told me that although there was soooo much scar tissue, there was really nothing she could do to improve my chances of conceiving. She was sorry about that, she then said " you kind of got a double whammy, with this level of endometriosis and the septum in the uterus..."

I told her I understood and thanked her.

She assured me that I was calling the shots, that unless another cyst formed (which is decreased now that I am on BCP) there is no need for further surgery. She mentioned that if pain returned she had a three stage plan to address it and the last step is chemical menopause, not hysterectomy.

In some ways I was glad to hear that.

I just need to stay on BCP until menopause...which I wonder how you would know that menopause had started if you are ...anyways...another topic for another day far off in the future.

She assured me that endometriosis was not hereditary and that if my niece complains of painful periods, push to get her on the pill to preserve her reproductive tract.

That will be an interesting day...she is only 8 now...but I will fight for her.

 

My button is starting to open, like a sick and twisted bud of a flower....

She looked at my incisions and agreed that I had a pool of surgical glue in my belly button and that I could pick at it if I wanted to...ick! and then said I was ok to go back to being me slowly.

When I asked if I could have sex, she asked me how many days since surgery? 14 today...yeah that should be fine if I felt like it.

I told her I was having the most amazing dreams...she laughed and said gotta love that little extra bit of estrogen....

I had a dream I was winning porn actress of the year and my parents were there, but I didn't want them to see me on stage so I kept coming out and telling them the updates of the awards show.

 it was STRANGE!

 

I left the appointment in a daze, shell shocked and not sure where to place all these feelings.

Grateful beyond words, for being cancer free...but devastated so deeply at the real gritty reality of my fertility. I wandered the mall alone for a couple hours just walking and window gazing. It seemed like an easy way to just walk it out, process bits...and not collapse into a puddle.

 

So much to process

What Remains

 

 

I made it to Thanksgiving at The Viscounts and Viscountess's castle.

My brother (I'll call him The Earl)  showed off his well exercised domestic skills and cooked up some seriously yummy eats. Most of which I could only have a tablespoon of, as my tummy is still quite sensitive to food, in general...and seeing that I really wanted to sample lots of things that were not boiled potato, toast or matzo balls I was eager to have tablespoons of lots of things.

 

The Earls' in-laws were there and it is sad to say all the lady's from that side are also in some phase of struggling with fertility. One opted not to come, I totally understood and empathized. She has in the last year, had multiple IVF rounds and even egg donations all of which came back with no implantation's. The other Sister, was there last night and shared with me that she had to put the breaks on the "games", after $12,000 of heartbreak.

She didn't know I had, had surgery (thanks to the Countess, the Earls wife, keeping mum at my request) and asked what endometriosis was as she had it too but didn't know what it was. I spent some time explaining what I knew about it and she sort of had a light go off in her head.  She told me that she wasn't a candidate for IVF as she was told there were not enough eggs left, and she was too heartbroken to continue. I hugged her and told her I was so sorry....she gazed at her husband playing with our nephew. I could feel what she was feeling, see what she was seeing and I told her sadly that even after all these years, for myself...the pain is still there, but the way I respond to it has changed. She was sort of in shock. I leaned over and whispered to her

" this is not your fault, you did nothing wrong"

She started to cry, and I realized I could offer no other condolence but that for her.

 

After we made it home, The Barren and I settled in for some post tryptophan television watching.

We watched the end of 50/50...we had seen it before and knew what we were in for, but I needed a scapegoat for shedding some tears.

As I let some go he asked me what I was thinking about.

I told him that although I am cancer free and overjoyed at that, I am having a hard time forgetting about what was found and that it is still heartbreaking.

He told me he understood and allowed me to continue to cry.

*

The Barreness has filled my abdomen with scar tissue.

My bladder is fused to my uterus and a fibroid is tucked in the middle of them.

My tubes are not in the right place; they have been pulled and twisted under and below themselves.

I had so much scar tissue she was only able to remove a little endometriosis.

A piece that was trying to attach to my bowel and maybe bits here and there.

She told my beloved that when things get too uncomfortable for me, that a complete hysterectomy was all that was left. She would have to perform this abdominally, as the surrounding organs and space needed exceeded laproscopic conditions.

 

So today the bruises are yellowing, with green undertones...I am able to walk and sit up strait.

I am still swollen, I am slow to the uptake in some ways...but aside from some surface sensitivity on the incisions I am feeling more like me, except a little weepy.

 

Pelvic Rest

 

I had a horrible start to the day yesterday.

I was expecting a crash post surgery, but thought it would have arrived the second or third day after...not the fourth day.

I had spent the whole night coughing.

A dry irritating cough and no matter what I did I couldn't get it to stop.

I was curled around a second blanket fearful that if I coughed just hard enough,

I would pop one of the incisions.

 

I had gotten out of bed sometime in the middle of the night, thinking I was going to puke.

The pressure and pain against my diaphragm was intense.

It never happened, maybe my visual imaginings of my insides squeezing out of my incisions like a sick version of cheese wiz stopped it...or I was just able to battle it away.

 

When The Barren caught sight of me in the morning he was ready to take me to the ER...I spent the next hour and a half convincing him it was a sore and pissed off diaphragm and not pain from the surgery. I also reminded him that I had started BCP again and having to take a two days dose in one day could also make me feel puky. It was a horrible combination.

I think he is still unconvinced that I haven't needed pain pills since surgery.

I haven't. I am not sure why.

The second day post surgery I had the neck and shoulder thing, it felt like someone had punched my neck and shoulders, that pre-bruising feeling....but nothing that would require a pain pill.

 

I am totally the first to sign up to sign out...but I think the glee, thankfulness and euphoria of knowing I either caught it before it became cancer and that there were no signs of cancer in me has me riding a pretty high happy train.

 

I had gone into surgery with my period; pain in my lower back and some cramping.

When I woke up, there was no pain.

Nausea: lots and lots of that...but no pain.

day two post surgery
swollen tummy, bruised button

 

I had some vanity moments yesterday too, I am not going to lie. I feel puffy and swollen and my bellybutton is filled with surgical glue, so I can't really tell how much it has changed.

I liked my button, it was the only unique thing that tied me to my birth, like a fingerprint of the day.

I think it has changed now. *sigh*

 

I spent yesterday with The Viscountess, she scrubbed my stove (she does that with her neverous energy, it is how she expresses love)  and spent time just sitting with me and keeping quiet company. She had me eat some salad and that started the deep real burps (even though I have been eating gasx and walking like a loopy girl) it started to relieve the pressure and then I started drinking pear juice last night (a tip from a friend; to get things moving out) I awoke this am feeling closer to fine.

 

I am still processing the reality that is inside me, I will share that later...but I am today, closer to fine.

I'm Sorry Vagina

I had my pre-op today.

It was horrible to sign the forms, that state: "you could die"

on them as remote outcomes from this surgery.

I was wiping tears from my eyes when the doctor walked in and saw me.

She asked what she could say that would help me feel more at ease.

I told her I was afraid I was going to die.

She gave me the chances of me dying from this surgery and they are pretty slim.

She spent time again answering my copious list of questions that ranged from where am I going to will this effect any sexual function and has assured me that she will have my best interests in mind when assessing my reproductive system.

She still has this little light in the back of her head that this surgery will "fix our fertility problems" and so in many ways she will be operating to protect my fertility.

That looked weird typing...

 

 

 

She knows The Barren has the right to make calls if things look bad,

and he knows what I do and don't want to happen.

She ran down what she will do, and good to worse versions of each step.

She told me that I can expect some bleeding/spotting after the surgery as they

" are going to put a device into your vagina to manipulate your uterus"

 and that if I wake up with more then three holes from the surgery it was because they were unable to get the excised pieces through the scopes.

If she sees a tumor she will send it to pathology while I am asleep and will then contact my hubby for approval of what is or isn't to be done.

These steps are the scariest scenarios and she knows that.

She has assured me that I will be sore and uncomfortable for a few days.

and then the final instruction: nothing in your vagina for two weeks

 

I left her office with labs and instructions for hospital pre-registration.

I was terrified and in auto mode, complete what needs to be done....

The Barren left for work and I finished up on my own.

 

When I got home, I met a friend for a cuppa tea and she saw how exhausted I was...today was harder than I thought it would be and I am now allowing myself the rest of today to feel scared and cry uncontrollably.

Starting tomorrow, all meditation focuses on Strong, Brave and Confident me.

 

I don't want this to take me out, I don't want to be defined by this, I don't want this to be the end of my happiness, I don't want this to stop me.

***

I want this to be the start of a new path, I want this to be a gift, I want this to allow me to walk taller, I want this to make me stronger, I want this to be OK.

 

Dear Vagina,

I am so sorry for what you are about to be put through.

I promise you this: I will continue to call you my own. I love you and want you to be healthy and happy. I will nurse you back to health and comfort you when you are sore and achy.

We are in this together girl.

No matter what they do to us, we have each other.

They can try to get us down, by making us feel like we are broken but we know we are stronger than that. We will recover from this and find many new fun adventures. We have been through a lot of tests and have been introduced to many people, some were even nice enough to introduce themselves first before making us swallow a wand or finger. We are hopefully about to crest, and have far less introductions in the near future. We will celebrate this victory.

In the meantime, be strong, be brave and know that you can recover from this latest challenge. I believe in you!

Love, your life long person 

Weekend Warrior

I spent the weekend filling my time with "busy work"

You know the chop wood, carry water kind of Fantastia broom scenerio

...so that I didn't think about anything but what I was doing.

It worked alright.

I have found that I go to over preparing in order to deal with unknowns and stress

 

image via Hyperbole and a half

 

So I have EVERYTHING in my house washed...

like even the weird slippers that I only wear once in a blue moon.

 

I have cleaned and stocked my medicine cabinet with

pills and bandages that are not expired.

For some reason this was really important

 

I have purchased enough cat food to feed the cats for another two months!

I have gotten cards to send lovebombs out to others so they arrive next week.

I convinced The Barren we needed to get a new mattress,

as out 13year old mattress was just plain tired...I have been working on this for months!

I also got a piece of furniture moved into the garage that we are looking to sell.

I have organized the garage AGAIN.

I am tackling the kitchen clutter now...

well tonight I will be, while baking a cake for the friend who helped move the

furniture into the garage.

 

I am framing artwork for exhibitions ahead of time and meeting with a couple friends this week.

This morning I awoke smiling and it quickly turned to tears....just a little cry before showering.

I asked The Barren if I could change my mind, he softly said "no, this is the right choice"

I knew, but I wanted to feel like I still had some power over all this.

 

I am currently practicing a theory the Dalai Lama mentioned about laughter:

 

"I have been confronted with many difficulties throughout the course of my life, and my country is going through a critical period. But I laugh often, and my laughter is contagious. When people ask me how I find the strength to laugh now, I reply that I am a professional laughter."
--The Dalai Lama
 

The Barren after a long hug looked at me lifted my arms and started to laugh at me, his laughter was contagious and I laughed too, shaking my head and laughing. It seemed silly at first but after a while I could not tell the difference between my crying and my laughing.

Have you ever noticed that? That moment when you are laughing to hard you are crying, or crying so hard you sound like you are laughing.

 

Meditations, mantras and naps for the week. Trying to lull my panic attacks and

convince myself I am brave and strong and able to handle whatever is ahead.

 

Tomorrow is my pre-op.

 

Doing things different...

 

I am having a REALLY hard time focusing on much of anything right now.

I tried to work in the studio all weekend, but ended up looking like a crazy lady starting something here and walking away to stare at the sky and then come back and focus for another ten minutes and then decide to do laundry or wash dishes.

I know my brain is overwhelmed.

 

BUT

 I know that all those years of therapy have done something, as I realized that the first time I fucked stuff up and that it is not how I want to do it things time.

 

I am doing things different then when we got our Infertility diagnosis.

Then we told no one for a long time. We suffered together and pushed many friends away not knowing how to ask for help or support.

 

This new struggle we are facing things differently.

The Barren and I seem to be tag teaming out emotional breaks, so that we can be there for the other. He has shared his recent news with friends and parents.

I have shared my news with just a couple close friends, but I am so glad that I have

...I am too unprepared to share it yet with my parents.

and scared

 

It feels different to have told these selected few, better I guess.

I know that I can text a grumpy face to a friend and they will totally get it.

 

I am still having panic attacks, mostly at night when things are quiet and

I am alone with my thoughts.

The Barren and I are a good team, we have walked through hell before,

and still have legs.

I know we can walk through hell again and still have each others hand to hold.

 

It doesn't feel good to have this sitting over our heads

I don't have to like any of this or be OK with it

I am afraid for my love

I am afraid for myself

I am still very afraid.