Echos and debris

****Trigger Warning****
Miscarriage

photo credit


"internal echos and debris in the uterus"

The ultrasound tech told me that she thought it looked like I had a molar pregnancy.

I didn't know what this was and had to look it up.
There was nothing there now...

I still had blood and tissue in my endometrial lining and 

I should expect to keep spotting until my body either absorbs or expels the rest.

She use to be a midwife overseas, and specialized in high risk pregnancy

When the call came from the doctors office came 

 I was emotionally stable to listen to what they had to say.

which was: 

We don't see anything

one of your fibroids grew a millimeter

If something changes call us

The techs theory made sense to me and I am sticking with that one.

Since then, trying to resume a normal brainwave has been a struggle.

I got results from the doctor on the 23rd of last week and as the week rounded out my urethra

started to hurt/burn. So my Saturday morning I was in the walk in clinic.

I waited a good hour for the pee test, and then another half an our to be "seen"

The nurse that took me in took my vitals and asked questions.

No expression on her face.

She had me sit on the exam table behind a big curtain that she drew around me.

I sat there for another 15 minutes staring at the curtain and shaking, 

only hearing the nurse and doctor type on keyboards.

Then at one point I heard the doctor say my name, and the nurse whisper

She recently had a miscarriage...

At that point from behind the curtain I hear the doctor start to ask the question 

"how far along were you"

and appear from behind the curtain.

I told him early, I didn't even know I was, until I wasn't.

I am I still spotting.

He then said why are you here?

I told him my urethra hurt, not my bladder and I was concerned I might have the beginning of a UTI 

I had taken that urinary pain reliever stuff and aside from some minor relief it didn't do much.

He told me that my pee showed blood,  which makes sense if I am still spotting
but that there were no white blood cells...

blood is an irritant and if I hadn't been sexually active recently, that is the most likely culprit.

Did I have any back pain? I said yes

Then he took a single finger, and barely touched me

to point out to me the kidney area of my back.

Saying kidney issues are on one side only....bilateral pain it muscle.

He then swooped behind the curtain and told me he is calling in a prescription for an antibiotic to cover our bases and will culture my urine in case something didn't show on the dipstick test...

and then that was it.

No hello, so medical questions

just some pee and a finger touch

I left feeling totally numb

The Barren was with me this time and we ate something and picked up the drugs
and I went home and crawled into bed and slept for two hours.

Ideally this is the last of the complications

I can not emotionally take anything else thrown at me.

Keep on Trucking

OK

So my last few posts have been heavy and loaded with life crap

I am still in shock but, I finally got some good news

I submitted a portfolio of work that I had hoped :

" demonstrated a professional level of proficiency in the medium"

&

" Work that showed a consistent, well developed artistic vision"

I had waited years to submit to this group, 

they hold very high standards and quite frankly, 

I was intimidated to try until just now.

They are the oldest guild (of their kind) in the US, started in 1912

I had a "what the fuck" moment and submitted.

This year they also allowed online submissions and 

it saved me having to drive several hundred miles to submit my work.

Needless to say I was counting the days as the month grew longer 

and when the email finally arrived I was scared 

but, the first words were kind so I read further 

and it was a congratulations letter!

I told The Barren who in turn wanted to get wasted and hang from the ceiling....

but I was in shock so I told him I only needed a hug.

He was deflated...but gave me a hug.

I am still in disbelief.

I think after all these months of "No Thank Yous"

I am in disbelief that I possessed the ability to make something worthwhile

I finally let The Barren cheer for me and I had a little moment of cheering myself...

I did it.

I also made it through the annual 50,000 mile service update with the doctor.

It was low on drama and I was frank and forthright, and had a list.

I told her quite openly that my relationship with food had dramatically changed, 

and that most meals involve guilt and fear.

I told her that I think about everything I eat on a scale of  

" would the doctor think this was a right choice"

(How twisted is that! I know it is, but it doesn't stop me from thinking it still)

She looked concerned and after asking some basic do you smoke, how much do you drink, are you exercising questions, she tried to assure me that I am doing good, 

that I am in the right BMI (a number I do not believe in) 

and that I should keep on trucking. 

She also diagnosed me with Costochondritis

I have had this for almost a year and aside from feeling like " is this a heart attack?"

and some reassurances from women weightlifters

I was glad to hear that I wasn't in fact imagining it 

and I am NOT having heart attacks.

I had fasted for the appointment and by the time I left, I had to give blood too...

that was an hour of waiting and I was famished when I left...

there was a new vegan cafe I had yet to try 

so I was the first one in the door when they opened at 11am

(I had been up drinking water since 6am to plump up my veins so the vampire wouldn't miss)

 I had their "most popular" sandwich:

a vegan Ruben...after ordering it I wondered if I had made a good choice

mayo-ish stuff, cheeze-ish stuff, sauerkraut

first thing in my tummy for the day...

it looked like this:

watch out tummy here comes what I deem as breakfast

then it looked like this:

after I licked the plate

I wandered home, and did this:

It was a highly productive day

That time of year...

It is that time of year, the time where I see my doctor and get a once over.

I was nervous about my weight and my blood count numbers and if I was gonna be in a better place than I was last year at this time.
Mostly would the doctor say I was a good patient and doing what I was suppose to be doing=
you are not gonna die from your own doing tomorrow or next week.
for some reason I don't want to disappoint my NP.

She is quite mellow and loves that I always go with a card to remind myself of all the referrals I need.

I was naked and sitting on that horrible exam table paper as we relaxed and slowly went through the medical history updates and what vitamins and exercise I am doing, when I started to sweat...I mean drip sweat.

I told her that it seems like that these days I run hot...she says it happens in the office,
but that I might be starting the menopause countdown...ugh...
Seriously, am I really already at that time in my life?

When the time came for the pelvic exam I went to lay down and realized at that moment,
that this was going to be undignified.
The whole lower half of me had sealed with the exam table paper...
it was totally coating my ass, my thighs and vagina.

I found myself peeling paper off my ass as she performed my breast exam...and when I needed to stirrup up she said I was indeed  an overachiever, as I got it stuck everywhere
...she even had to peel some away to perform the pelvic and I just stared at the ceiling and shook my head.
I told her that I seem to only experience these things when I am in her presence, and I guess she needed a new Barreness vagina experience, because our last ones where not exciting enough.
She giggled....I sighed

As she finished up and left to write up orders for mammograms and ultrasounds,
I peeled the rest of the paper off myself as best I could so I could get dressed.

said paper shreds, they appeared all day long

After giving blood and being told I was clear to go I left in search of caffeine.
I stopped at three coffee shops on the way home, I was going to binge on chai.
Not every place offers almond milk and so I stopped at two new coffee houses to test their versions, only one of them had almond milk, so I drank that one as I traveled to a third caffeine house for another!
It was my vice, and I ate a bagel too, with hummus!
Crazy I know!

My desire to do the right thing has taken over my eating patterns these days and I find I am sometimes walking a fine line in an effort to not become obsessed with counting and reducing and restricting myself.

When I make a "bad food choice", I am also trying to not beat myself up over it.

Instead think what would have been a better choice.

It is hard, and takes effort.

I am very quick to be mean to myself, and relearning to be kind is a task indeed.

emilymcdowell.com

Pelvic Rest

 

I had a horrible start to the day yesterday.

I was expecting a crash post surgery, but thought it would have arrived the second or third day after...not the fourth day.

I had spent the whole night coughing.

A dry irritating cough and no matter what I did I couldn't get it to stop.

I was curled around a second blanket fearful that if I coughed just hard enough,

I would pop one of the incisions.

 

I had gotten out of bed sometime in the middle of the night, thinking I was going to puke.

The pressure and pain against my diaphragm was intense.

It never happened, maybe my visual imaginings of my insides squeezing out of my incisions like a sick version of cheese wiz stopped it...or I was just able to battle it away.

 

When The Barren caught sight of me in the morning he was ready to take me to the ER...I spent the next hour and a half convincing him it was a sore and pissed off diaphragm and not pain from the surgery. I also reminded him that I had started BCP again and having to take a two days dose in one day could also make me feel puky. It was a horrible combination.

I think he is still unconvinced that I haven't needed pain pills since surgery.

I haven't. I am not sure why.

The second day post surgery I had the neck and shoulder thing, it felt like someone had punched my neck and shoulders, that pre-bruising feeling....but nothing that would require a pain pill.

 

I am totally the first to sign up to sign out...but I think the glee, thankfulness and euphoria of knowing I either caught it before it became cancer and that there were no signs of cancer in me has me riding a pretty high happy train.

 

I had gone into surgery with my period; pain in my lower back and some cramping.

When I woke up, there was no pain.

Nausea: lots and lots of that...but no pain.

day two post surgery
swollen tummy, bruised button

 

I had some vanity moments yesterday too, I am not going to lie. I feel puffy and swollen and my bellybutton is filled with surgical glue, so I can't really tell how much it has changed.

I liked my button, it was the only unique thing that tied me to my birth, like a fingerprint of the day.

I think it has changed now. *sigh*

 

I spent yesterday with The Viscountess, she scrubbed my stove (she does that with her neverous energy, it is how she expresses love)  and spent time just sitting with me and keeping quiet company. She had me eat some salad and that started the deep real burps (even though I have been eating gasx and walking like a loopy girl) it started to relieve the pressure and then I started drinking pear juice last night (a tip from a friend; to get things moving out) I awoke this am feeling closer to fine.

 

I am still processing the reality that is inside me, I will share that later...but I am today, closer to fine.

I'm Sorry Vagina

I had my pre-op today.

It was horrible to sign the forms, that state: "you could die"

on them as remote outcomes from this surgery.

I was wiping tears from my eyes when the doctor walked in and saw me.

She asked what she could say that would help me feel more at ease.

I told her I was afraid I was going to die.

She gave me the chances of me dying from this surgery and they are pretty slim.

She spent time again answering my copious list of questions that ranged from where am I going to will this effect any sexual function and has assured me that she will have my best interests in mind when assessing my reproductive system.

She still has this little light in the back of her head that this surgery will "fix our fertility problems" and so in many ways she will be operating to protect my fertility.

That looked weird typing...

 

 

 

She knows The Barren has the right to make calls if things look bad,

and he knows what I do and don't want to happen.

She ran down what she will do, and good to worse versions of each step.

She told me that I can expect some bleeding/spotting after the surgery as they

" are going to put a device into your vagina to manipulate your uterus"

 and that if I wake up with more then three holes from the surgery it was because they were unable to get the excised pieces through the scopes.

If she sees a tumor she will send it to pathology while I am asleep and will then contact my hubby for approval of what is or isn't to be done.

These steps are the scariest scenarios and she knows that.

She has assured me that I will be sore and uncomfortable for a few days.

and then the final instruction: nothing in your vagina for two weeks

 

I left her office with labs and instructions for hospital pre-registration.

I was terrified and in auto mode, complete what needs to be done....

The Barren left for work and I finished up on my own.

 

When I got home, I met a friend for a cuppa tea and she saw how exhausted I was...today was harder than I thought it would be and I am now allowing myself the rest of today to feel scared and cry uncontrollably.

Starting tomorrow, all meditation focuses on Strong, Brave and Confident me.

 

I don't want this to take me out, I don't want to be defined by this, I don't want this to be the end of my happiness, I don't want this to stop me.

***

I want this to be the start of a new path, I want this to be a gift, I want this to allow me to walk taller, I want this to make me stronger, I want this to be OK.

 

Dear Vagina,

I am so sorry for what you are about to be put through.

I promise you this: I will continue to call you my own. I love you and want you to be healthy and happy. I will nurse you back to health and comfort you when you are sore and achy.

We are in this together girl.

No matter what they do to us, we have each other.

They can try to get us down, by making us feel like we are broken but we know we are stronger than that. We will recover from this and find many new fun adventures. We have been through a lot of tests and have been introduced to many people, some were even nice enough to introduce themselves first before making us swallow a wand or finger. We are hopefully about to crest, and have far less introductions in the near future. We will celebrate this victory.

In the meantime, be strong, be brave and know that you can recover from this latest challenge. I believe in you!

Love, your life long person