Aligned

It is gonna be quite a week!

Today my niece (15yrs old) is having a 10cm cyst **removed from her left ovary

The same surgery I had

the same ovary

27years earlier

The doctor assured her parents that she would also look for endo

She has no questions, but like many teens is only concerned about needles.

She is set to have the operation about 3 hours from now.

I gave my brother tips that helped me make the experience more comfortable....

most of my suggestions have fallen outside the wall he and my sister in law have constructed.

My father asked me a couple questions through gritted teeth the night he and my mother found out...

He is angry about it.

I think it is safe to say we all are concerned 

I am hopeful that she will be better after the surgery than her current state.

The cyst can be seen bulging from her tummy when she lays down.

I am thankful that they are checking for endo 

and that ideally will find nothing or able to remove what is found.

I am at the studio and home today. 

I was told there was no reason for me to be there today.

(I'll be at the door to the wall, with pear juice, some magazines and GasX in hand tomorrow)

*********************

The Barren is traveling for work this week

He is thousands of miles away.

I didn't get the morning call and TOTALLY had a massive panic attack

He finally called a half hour later, and when I heard his voice I tumbled into a puddle

unable to hide my concern and fears.

He apologized repeatedly 

Why the concern? He had a coworker/friend die on a work trip 

So since then I have been pretty terrified 

He travels again the first week of May

**********************

I am due to get my first real period soon...I think today but who knows?!

It feels like it is readying herself....but I don't really know

so the wait begins

**************************

The Barren's Aunt is donating a kidney today

I found out via social media...

*****************

My birthday is Thursday

I have no plans, no parties, other than take a yoga class in the afternoon

I had a sweet treat time with The Barren this past weekend...

Put on a pretty dress, had a fancy drink and got some much needed time with him 

It is a strangely aligned week.

I am cleaning and dumping old paperwork out of corners of the house to keep myself busy.

The world feels different

**The cyst was 14cm and consisted of three pieces all surrounding her ovary. One included hair, the other two had thick liquid in them. The surgery lasted 2.5hours and in the removal she lost a portion of her left ovary. The doctor assured her parents that the portion that remains has eggs/follicles and her tube is healthy...the doctor was glad she got her in so quickly as this was a ticking bomb.

You are a wreck

So I went to the endo doctor....

I had The Barren come with me, well, because it was a male doctor and as sexist as that sounds often times when I have visited a male doctor they talk down to me unless The Barren is present.

It sucks and is sad, but true.

So I brought back-up

Also, I had MASSIVE white coat and I wanted a second set of ears to hear what my brain dropped with its high screeching sound.

I was sweating and anxious and although my clots had stopped on Monday, I was still spotting.

The doctor came into the exam room like a cowboy on a bulldozer.

Sat down in front of me with my folder and said:

"You are peri-menopausal.

that is why you are bleeding like this."

"We've met before, but you were asleep" (creepy)

He assisted on my ovarian cystectomy and stage four endo confirmation.

" yep, you are total mess, everything is just all mucked up in there."

He was trying to make light of things I think...but it came across a little like a used car salesman

He told me that when I got tired of bleeding I should consider a D&C or Uterine Ablation or both.

But first, 

" We need to do an endometrial biopsy, to confirm that you don't have uterine cancer. I don't think you do, but it is important to confirm that.

I have my nurse practitioners do them because I don't like to hurt people and they hurt. Because I have never had any children, my cervical opening is small or totally closed and they might not be able to do the biopsy, so if that is the case then they would do it with a D&C""

I saw The Barren go pale when the doctor described the process 

and I think I left my body at that moment.

He suggested that I double up on my BC pill to up the hormone and if it works then we can switch to another pill and just take them back to back.

Oh, and you can only take the pill until you are 50 so you only have a little bit of time left on that.

then you are considered Menopausal and you shouldn't be on the pill anymore.

I told him I was most afraid of having to have a hysterectomy and he told me that he had ZERO desire to do one, that he doesn't even have it on the list of options....unless needed.like uterine cancer.

That was a relief among the land mines.

He also said that caffeine or alcohol are not triggers for endo and that I should be drinking champagne whenever I want and enjoying my cup of tea in the morning.

I left the office with a biopsy appointment, with a nurse practitioner that was versed in the procedure of difficult subjects, and the lady at the front desk said she would ask if a should take some kind of medicine ahead of the procedure to help make it easier for us both...but it wasn't an anti-anxiety drug.

I left the appointment feeling like I had been run over by a mack truck!

I was dizzy and shaking and confused and so very sad.

I spoke to a pharmacist yesterday that confirmed that doubling up on the BC pill was a good option and if the spotting stopped then get a new prescription with that dose and take three 28 day packs back to back. 28 day packs have a wider range of dosages of hormone than the 91day generics I take.

I started last night and aside from some nausea this morning, I feel pretty alright and the spotting seems to be stopping too! 

I did yoga yesterday and today...that helped A LOT.

I am scared of the biopsy, but keep trying to focus on it being a 10-15 minute 

procedure and that the pain will be temporary.

The Barren is taking me to and from the appointment that day.

I am so done with this bullshit

I am done with doctors

I am done with the sadness

I am done with painful procedures

I am done with feeling so overwhelmed

but something somewhere in me won't let me totally give up and give in

I still have some dim flame of hope that this will be it, the last of it for a long spell 

Happy Birthday Lefty!

5 years ago I took a test that saved my ovary!

I celebrate that day as a new birthday for my ovary ever since.

Today is my left ovaries birthday.

I have had several new cycles with her and she has not decided to grow anything new!

I am thankful for that 

Here is to lefty

formally Quasimodo

I am looking to celebrate many more healthy birthdays with you ⭐

Waiting for that shoe

" the doctor will see you now Barreness"

 

I have yet to return to work, The Barren wanted me to take the full time and wait until I saw my doctor before heading back into the pit of chaos known as work.

These last few days have been filled with me trying to do more and more so that I could gain momentum, and the shock of a full workday and commute would be lessened.

I sat on my arse all day yesterday posting to my shop and writing a newsletter to my collectors and art colleagues so I am still relevant.

 

I am mostly trying to not think about tomorrows doctors appointment.

I really have no idea what to expect or what to prepare for.

 

The Viscountess came over the day before yesterday and spent the day here, she was a brave cowgirl and sat as passenger as I took to the wheel for the first time in two weeks. I ran some errands and she kept me company. It was nice, it kept me light and I felt like I could spoil her a little by picking up lunch and we sat and chatted as we ate.

I had left the room when her cell phone rang and only returned to hear her say to the person on the other end:

" well, we had a thing with our daughter. Yes, we thought she had ovarian cancer, but thankfully that was not the case. but they were able to tell her why they couldn't conceive.
Yes I am with her now, I will call you later "

 

It was hard to hear those words; it was hard to hear her have to say them.

This morning I got out of bed, tried not to puke and then took a shower.
As I had yet to see the doctor I still had to follow orders of:
 "not letting the spray directly hit your incisions"
Shower time is like twister...lots of bending into shapes that are not normal.
I got dressed and was able to button my jeans and headed to the appointment arriving ten minutes ahead of time. I was placed into a room that took my breath away:

creepy and very prepared for splashes

I was told to undress from the waist down and wait for the doctor on that chair.

It was icky and I was left alone longer then I should have been.

My doctor arrived and I mentioned to her " this is quite a room"

she agreed...and then went to tell me about the results.

I have stage four Endometriosis, she said

"you pretty much have really horrible horrible endometriosis"

She went on to tell me how my tubes are suppose to be in front of my uterus but they are behind it and twisted and fused to other bits of scar tissue. She went over the pictures she took with me.

I thanked her for saving my ovary and she was gracious about that.

I asked if any pathology was done on the cyst and she said yes:

It all came back benign and no signs of cancer.

I was happy....

then she mentioned again my fertility, my mood went into " mask mode"

She told me that although there was soooo much scar tissue, there was really nothing she could do to improve my chances of conceiving. She was sorry about that, she then said " you kind of got a double whammy, with this level of endometriosis and the septum in the uterus..."

I told her I understood and thanked her.

She assured me that I was calling the shots, that unless another cyst formed (which is decreased now that I am on BCP) there is no need for further surgery. She mentioned that if pain returned she had a three stage plan to address it and the last step is chemical menopause, not hysterectomy.

In some ways I was glad to hear that.

I just need to stay on BCP until menopause...which I wonder how you would know that menopause had started if you are ...anyways...another topic for another day far off in the future.

She assured me that endometriosis was not hereditary and that if my niece complains of painful periods, push to get her on the pill to preserve her reproductive tract.

That will be an interesting day...she is only 8 now...but I will fight for her.

 

My button is starting to open, like a sick and twisted bud of a flower....

She looked at my incisions and agreed that I had a pool of surgical glue in my belly button and that I could pick at it if I wanted to...ick! and then said I was ok to go back to being me slowly.

When I asked if I could have sex, she asked me how many days since surgery? 14 today...yeah that should be fine if I felt like it.

I told her I was having the most amazing dreams...she laughed and said gotta love that little extra bit of estrogen....

I had a dream I was winning porn actress of the year and my parents were there, but I didn't want them to see me on stage so I kept coming out and telling them the updates of the awards show.

 it was STRANGE!

 

I left the appointment in a daze, shell shocked and not sure where to place all these feelings.

Grateful beyond words, for being cancer free...but devastated so deeply at the real gritty reality of my fertility. I wandered the mall alone for a couple hours just walking and window gazing. It seemed like an easy way to just walk it out, process bits...and not collapse into a puddle.

 

So much to process

Pounding Heart



image via Vintage Printable

The weekend was filled with panic attacks and believe it or not a pregnancy test as AF was super late, from all the stress it turns out.

 

So The Barren and I went to see Special Lady Doctor yesterday.

I took my LONG list of questions and my 2 inch thick binder of years of results and scans.
 I thought I was having a heart attack at least three times on the drive there.

We got to the appointment a half hour early and waited in silence...The Barren held my hand and commented how he could feel my heart beat in it. I thought it was visible to all at this point.

The half hour wait helped settle it a bit, while I watched HGTV on the lobby TV.
The couple that was having their house redone was an infertile couple that had stopped the renovations when they realized their family was not going to grow as they had thought.
The Barren looked at me and we just said "seriously, this is what we were in time for?!"
 

They called my name and we walked into the exam room...my heart exploding again.
Thank goodness they didn't take my pulse, as they probably would have called the crash cart out!
We waited in the room for another 20 minutes.
In that time The Barren looked at the stirrups and questioned if they were comfortable. I told him that it was nice that they had covers on them, so they were not cold.
I assured him that I was not going to have an exam.
He was sitting in a tiny recess in the room that served as an in-room changing area.
They had stocked it with cloth gowns, padded hangers and basket full of pads and tampons.
I watched his eyes go back to the basket over and over...I asked him what he was most fascinated by, he said the names of the products seemed strange and spelt weird.
It made me chuckle and recall how these companies tend to find the most obnoxious colors for their packaging. How as a younger version of myself was always mortified to stand in a line with a bright pink package or a bright blue box, or in the really early days a pack of maxi pads that would now double for a bag of diapers!

He then picked up a magazine and happened on an article about Naomi Wolf and her Vaginia book 

it mentions vaginal massage and yoni tapping and he looked at me and said in my next life I want to be a master vaginal massage therapist.
 At this we both laughed and I was left feeling intense and serene love for this man.
 

The doctor came in and I asked her to go over the results again as the phone call was a hard way to process it all. She saw my list of questions and was happy that I had written them all down. She spent a good chunk of time answering all my questions, telling me what her concerns were and why and laying out a plan. The Barren asked all his questions and addressed his concerns and we in the end decided that it was best to have this surgery.

 

The lowdown:

I have a mildly elevated CA125, it is 29 (nothing going on is 3, full blown cancer is 100) with this number and a history of endo, she is concerned. She explained how she will try to save my ovary but must also assess the risks of it and she understands my desire to keep as much of me as possible. She also will be removing as much endo as she sees, explaining that it too can become additional endometriomas and we want to avoid that from happening. I will be back on the BCP post surgery.

She told me that my barnacle is the size of a lime, it has grown since it was measured last.

 

November 16th is the day

the day after tomorrow my beloved is having his second biopsy for his skin cancer...and all my energy is focusing on him and his health.
I love him so deeply.

On the drive home The Barren mentioned that he felt defensive at the end of the appointment as the doctor mentioned all the options while under:
she could put a camera in my uterus and see what is happening in there
She could tie my tubes
She could also remove my septum, which would probably
 "fix my infertility and my history of miscarriages"
it was this comment that made him sad, as it reminded him of how long this journey has been and how we chose not to have surgery to get pregnant. He said it felt like a slap after the fact.
I understand what he is saying...we might never feel comfortable with our choices.
I had a teacher in high school who wasn't able to have kids because of the RH factor, by the time they had it all figured out it was too late for them to have kids.
Although the situation is different, I feel similarly.
We are 9 years older, tackling the personal and emotional challenges of a life without children.
When a simple sentence like "this could fix all your problems" is said the whole house of carefully laid cards falls and we have to slowly start building it again.
My heart is pounding, my heart is aching

The Barreness is laughing

What the...

cookies crumble

I am a tough a cookie, but this might break me.

I got a call from the doctor specialist yesterday, which was surprising.
Then the sentence "Is this a good time to talk?"
Ohhhh fuck....

So she wants to do surgery.
I told her that was my VERY VERY last option.
I told her that I weigh my comfort and quality of life based on my days pain-free and most of the month is that. I have maybe three days a month where I am uncomfortable but that is it.

She mentioned my back pain and my Barnacle. That damn thing has camped out and slightly grown since my last measurement. Then she said something that freaked me out and pretty much after that, I heard only parts of what she said:

Malignant transformation
apparently she said that if left for long times, endometriomas can get nasty and become malignant.
With your slightly elevated CA125 results* and how long it has been there....

She mentioned that I have a 50% chance of loosing my ovary to it.
She would remove any and all other adhesions that she could see.
She also offered to place an IUD while "I am out" to start the follow-up hormone suppression of additional growths. As I would really be only guaranteed three pain free months post surgery.
Or I start the pill afterwards.

* I had gotten a call last week telling me that my results were within normal levels

I am freaking out, I am mad and I am concerned.
I am lost

I know surgeons want to fix things, I am sceptical that she is trying to fix it, more then prevent catastrophe. I am leery...slow to believe that I have a second edition to this horrible novel.

What I wonder is a million things; but did I do this to myself by staying off the pill too long?
I thought I was being responsible by monitoring the "cyst" but apparently not.

I am swirling and terrified.
I have already made the choice to not had an IUD, aside from being afraid of them, I have a septum in my uterus and I really don't want any complications from the placement.
I also know that I am terrified of loosing my ovary and then my sex drive.

The Barren and I meet with her in a week and a half.
I am composing a list of questions and alternatives.
until then I am trying to not throw-up or think of something deadly incubating in me.

Did I say too much

I wondered if I said too much with the last post, pissed you all off...

It came from my heart...pure concern and fear.

I hope that you know that.

 

When The Barren and I  were in our darkest hours, I saw many many doctors, like many of you have, and what I heard from them were things that would make it easier for them to treat me.

Fixes that would reduce my questions and discomfort. Easy outs.

*

My gyno told me over a phonecall, when I was asking for a renewal on my pain meds: 

" maybe you should just have a hysterectomy, sweetie, it will make it so much easier for you"

*

I was told by a doctor in the ER after being admitted for a 8cm corpus luteum, that I should really consider having my ovaries removed because it would avoid problems like this.

*

I was told by an oncological gynecologist that I should consider having my cysts and fibroids removed, but it would most likely plummet my chances of conceiving, so get a good doctor to preform the surgery to hedge my bets.

*

I was told by a gyno that my pain was just me being extra sensitive to what a real period was like after being on the pill for so many years. 

*

I was told by an ultrasound tech that I didn't drink enough water and that I made her job very difficult, then she proceeded to berate me through the exam

*

After all of this, I went into my primary doctor because I had been exposed to strep through a friend that was a teacher, she looked at my chart and looked at me and said:

" I am surprised you even came into the office, this is not a pretty path, I am surprised you do not hate doctors by now"

 

I don't, I just don't like it when they give up on me

 

What I took away from many years of therapy is that:

 it was not MY FAULT that I wasn't able to have a baby.

It was alright that I chose to not walk the assumed path.

It was OK that I wanted to fight to keep my reproductive system.

I had a set of beliefs that made me feel like a person

and removing any of those would remove my belief in self worth.

 

Trying to get pregnant is hard for many of us, staying pregnant is hard for many of us and hearing that we are not pregnant over and over again is hard for many of us.

 

What I didn't like and what I see happening to others is that being turned around and women being left as a shell of themselves with the same results going in.

That scares me, I simply want to remind you that you are

whole, you are lovely and smart.

Information Gathering

Today I went to an appointment that I have been working on not thinking about for weeks.

I did pretty well until Friday when the paperwork arrived in the mail.

 

I had a consult with a specialist about my cyst (Quasimodo) the one that has been camped out for years and refuses to change or go away. My doc, as a precautionary measure wanted me to get a second opinion that my " hell no you can not go for a scenic drive around my pelvis and pluck whatever you damn well please" watch and wait method was still safe. I understood and quite frankly with all the health issues with family and friends as of late, I needed to step up to the plate.

It was a 6 week wait to see this doctor, and after my visit I see why.

 

I awoke early and as I sat in bed trying to figure out what time it was The Barren said so what are you going to say? I said I was going to ask if I was in mortal danger with my current modus operandi. He said " she is going to tell you, you need surgery...what will you say then? " Sweet man, playing devils advocate so I could prepare my speech. I told him that I would say " that is not an option for me, what is plan B, C,D, E or F?" He kissed me and said " good luck"

 

I arrived with my folder of past test results from 2004 to current and sat and waited. The office filled with mid-pregnant women and the door between the reception desk and back exam rooms was constantly swinging open as that same group of women were in a parade circle to the bathroom.

 

Free samples for the pregnant gals, sadly no drinks were offered to the rest of us.
Is there a suggestion card around....

 

I was called in and I could feel my heart beating so fast, and hard, I was terrified that I would not have the conviction in my voice to speak up in the face of this newest doctor. I was told on the phone that it didn't matter where I was in cycle that as it was only a consult, I was not going to be examined. Well she was wrong, large paper napkin in place, I did the modesty wiggle to unfold that paper as far as possible and then wrap the ends around my hips so my arse was not blowing in the wind...cross my legs up under me and resume some sense of dignity while I sat and waited some more.

 

I heard my chart removed from the outside of the door and she sat with it for a fair bit of time, in fact I was taken aback how long she read it....then she entered the room.

We said hellos and then I told her why I was there...careful around the word " get another set of eyes on it" as I was not opening the sightseeing tour just yet. She asked how my quality of life was, daily. Asked what my periods were like, then she asked another question:

 

Doctor Lady: " so you have stopped trying"

 

I sat there thinking about Nicole's post, feeling like my heart suddenly got a lot heavier

and in my next breath I said:

 

The Barreness: " it just didn't happen for us the way we wanted." 

 

Doctor Lady: " so you have come to terms with that "

 

I took a deep breath, and said

 

" as much as I can, it is something I work with everyday"

 

Doctor Lady: " What I mean is, you are not here to ask me to help you try and get pregnant"

 

The Barreness: " No, it can not happen the way we had hoped. I am here to make sure that my quality of life is maintained and that I am not putting myself at jeopardy"

 

Doctor Lady: "That is very brave of you, that is something very hard....do you have someone to talk with about it?  like a therapist or friends...you should not try to handle it alone"

 

The Barreness: " that is the most compassionate thing any doctor has said to me about my infertility, thank you. That was very kind of you"

 

Lady Doctor: " I am really sorry to hear that, really, that is sad"

 

She mentioned what she thinks I have is an Endometrioma and that it can be removed, if I ever want it to be...but if I am comfortable and only in hell a few days a month, and I am OK with that we can forget it. She then mentioned my lovely heart shaped uterus and mentioned that that is the most likely culprit for my losses. She mentioned that that could be removed too.
I told her I understood but now that I am over 40, I have changed paths...realizing that those were options (that were never mentioned to me by the way) for me at 34 when I started trying to stay pregnant. Reality is my eggs are older, and most likely pissed off at me and so I didn't need to invite Pandora into my life. I have had enough heartbreak and pain and loss.

She said she understood.

Scary shit you can be tested for...

 

In an effort to remove yet another scary option off my checklist, I gave a vial of blood for CA125,

she said that endometriosis can show it as an elevated number but she felt confident that she could tell the difference between endo and a cancer. So I did that too...not thinking about that either.

 

She gave me a feel, furrowed her brow while I tried to relax and told her I would add her to my list of people who have felt my uterus.

She ordered I get new ultrasounds, one as soon as my next period is over and then a followup 6 weeks later. it was important to start the plotting of the cyst and make sure it was not changing at all. My every four months was not close enough together...ugh

So I have those transvag days to look forward too into the holiday season....HOHOHO

 

Today is also the anniversary of my Nana's death. She left 6 years ago.

I mention this because what I did next is directly related.

When I was in the middle of finding all this sadness out, and being a medical guinea pig

I had to tell my Nana that I could not have kids.

She was not an emotional woman, in the sense that she didn't cry or hug.

Not a babushka kinda grandmother.

My Nana, liked men, drinks and sex.

But...

When I told her, she looked heartbroken and so concerned...

it made it almost unbearable.

She reached out and simply hugged me.

It was the best gift from her, knowing she loved me so completely.

About a week later, she sent me a card, in it was some cash.

The card said:

" Go get yourself something pretty, it will help you"

Classic 50's gal, pretty yourself up on the outside and it will start helping the inside

So today, after the appointment, I bought myself a couple new blouses.

I even got one for a friend that I know needs a little pick me up too.

thanks Nana

The games we play

The nurse called today with my results..."blablalalababab"

Yeas, same shit, new shit, but mostly I don't want to deal with it.

She ended the call with words I have heard before,

the brush off words, the, we don't know what else to do words...

the we don't want to have to constantly deal with this phrase

" You should really contact the OB/GYN department about this"

My response was one word: "Why?"

The Barreness has been busy: New cyst, new changes in the old one she has been tending

to for the last few years.

New count on the fibroids

Damn that bitch

Cyst, boom, meh

The Bath by Alfred George Stevens


I should warn you now, I have had a rocky week...I debated writing about it because in many ways I didn't want to think about it again...but being who I am I decided to over share instead.

Hell, if you can not laugh at yourself, who do you have left?
I am about to talk about vaginas, sex and pimples

Lets start with the latest ultrasound, two weeks ago. I have to have them every 4ish months to keep track of my growths. I decided to go off birth control two and a half years ago and since leaving the hormones, I have grown new fibroids and cysts...all of which need to be watched because they tend to want to be overly dramatic and "rockstar" out the room. So I get pelvic ultrasounds to watch them in an effort to stay off BCP, that is my sacrifice.
I travel to a nearby town to have it done in a hospital because after years of having them done, this ONE tech has treated me like a person who has lost.

The results came back the next day and it confirmed everything is still there,
but not growing as fast as it has in the past...
so I have four more months without pills.

Since realizing that we are never gonna get pregnant (without massive assistance) I have been celebrating the joys of being off the pill...mostly that I am far more sane, my hair has stopped falling out in handfuls, and I do not get nightsweats anymore!
Plus....I want to have sex again.

This is a big deal and I am sure I am not the only one who
has experienced that lack of sexdrive after years of IF and medical interventions
and then birth control pills.

Everyone knows that sex is good for you, emotionally, mentally and for your relationship...so I was eager to have that return, because I WANT TO FEEL GOOD!

Friday rolled around and I was ready for our Friday night date (we have them still) But around 2pm I started to feel ill, dizzy and then the cramps began and my back felt like I had carried a load of bricks up a flight of stairs. The rest of the night was spent on the couch with a heat pad and a frown, while hubby made me tea and "cooked dinner"(Chinese takeout)

The rest of the weekend started slow, but I got up to speed soon, and our Friday night plans shifted to Saturday night and we had a great night being together.
We were laughing and happy and then Sunday it happened...the pin prick.

That rolled into a stab, that rolled into a personal investigation of the ladyparts.

I had a lump...a red, round, hard lump.
My poor panic room wasn't even ready for my dash and door slam. I freaked out!!
I mean who wants to find a lump on your lovely lady bits?!

I made a plan that if it hadn't changed in a day I would see the doc.
I thought, maybe we just had too much fun and it took a toll on me.

Well it did change, it got scary looking and hurt more and
I could not ignore it or wish it away so I got into the doc.

I greeted her with, "hey, so I figured I haven't shown you my vagina enough...so here I am"
She laughed at me and we took a look at the MAD, RED, HARD Bump...
she looked at it and said "oh that is a sebaceous cyst. Do you want me to pop it? "
I think that is when I tried to go to my happy place...but I realized it needed to change if I wanted to walk normal....she offered to drain it with something...she described something about something all I heard was LARGE BORE NEEDLE and my mind made everything quiet...

I said I would wait for it to resolve itself, thank you.
Needles/vagina's...I bowed out of that long ago.

As she was writing up the antibiotic prescription I looked down again
and she had blown her lid!!
I was fascinated and freaked and the doc walked over and said
"lets get it all out"...and popped it!
I thought I was going to fall off the table...I remember breathing and then feeling like my whole vagina was in a table-vice.
She took samples and said she was sorry it hurt.
I was told to soak in a bath, several times a day and try and to "get more out".
The more I massage it the better.

OK so sit in a bath and massage myself...this was getting ridiculous.

I have been doing that for the last 24hours, it is the most unsexy, unpleasant way to enjoy a bath.

I got some new bath salt to help it feel less clinical and more...well, less clinical.
10 days of antibiotics and baths, and squeezing (not for the weak)

The one gem I can take away from this is:

I encourage all of you to check your parts, and don't wait to see the doc if something doesn't look right. As embarrassing as it was, I felt empowered that I knew what was normal for me and what wasn't and that I love my vagina enough to protect it from future mishaps.

My name is The Barreness and I grow stuff

Thankful

She plays coy....but we know her strength

First off I would like to thank the people who are now following my blog.

I have written here for years and in the last 6months I have been "discovered"....in fact the first time I realized I had "followers" I sat and stared at the screen and cried. I am not totally sure why. I think it was a combination of feeling found out, and feeling found.

So thank you ladies for your OVERWHELMINGLY kind words and love.

I do so feel it.

Yesterday was a stop at the NP, I wanted to talk about my plans, and desires for my body.

My primary care doc chose not to call to followup on the results of my MRI from December so I took control and booked an appt with the NP who treats me like a person and hears what I say.

So long crappy primary care doc...and thanks for nothing

When she came in I told her that I wanted to go over my latest results and find out what it really meant. She moved her chair all the way over to me and went thru each of the four lines of findings slowly. 

I pointed out that the cyst had shrunk between the ultrasound and the MRI (one week apart) and she mentioned that it might have ruptured a little after the ultrasound.

She also thinks that the "plucking" feeling I have is most likely Mittleschmerz or middle pain, the feeling of ovulation.

I told her I had not gone back onto the BC pills since I saw her last in Aug (for a stressed tummy) and that although she prescribed them to me, it took months to fill it and then pick it up from the pharmacy.

 It now resides in the cabinet of my bathroom....forgotten most of the time.

I told her the emotion of having to go back on them was too heavy.

I wanted to avoid them for as long as possible. I felt better off of them.

Seeing that I was still doing nothing to shrink the fibroids or the cysts, I was aware I was at risk for torsion and wanted to assess the real facts involved in making this decision.

I also told her I have been fed so many scare speeches, that if she could please simply tell me if I am acting risky. No need to stand in front of a dragon if I don't have to.

After a cyst gets about 3cm she likes to keep a close eye on it. Mine are around that size but I am feeling fine. She said she would prefer to treat me, then the cyst...if I feel fine, then we just keep an eye on the cyst and not go on the pill. I get to have ultrasounds every 4-6months instead.

She told me the warning signs of fallopian tube torsion and I understand the risk.

She told me to that I need to take vitamins and that we will assess my needs as they appear, she will do my annual and we will work together to keep me feeling good!

and that my penchant for chai or green tea is not a caffeine risk.

I felt like a person when I left, I felt normal and ok...I was so empowered that I came home and took a nap!

I awoke from a dream about two weeks ago telling my husband that I have just slain the devil...I slid a sword down its back. It fit into its spine like a sheath, it was not a triumphant feeling, but simply something I knew I could do.

He told me I was a bad-ass, and was glad I was sleeping next to him.

worm hole

I had dreams that I was turning into an earthworm, but couldn't finish the transition as I was stuck at some stage of the metamorphosis.

I called my doctors office yesterday as the waiting was too heavy to continue to carry.

My doctor was not in the office, so I asked to speak with the nurse that has been so so wonderful to talk to on the phone. She came thru again like a magic maker. She looked thru my doctors papers and called me back with results.

She told me that I had a cyst on my ovary, but more importantly, it was fluid filled, no solid mass and did not appear to be malignant or questionable.

Great news....it doesn't look cancerous.

My uterus is tilted and they could see my fibroids.

No new news, or new bad news.

I am back to looking at my prescription for the pill and seeing how I feel about filling it.

Why do I even bother

Waiting

I had my latest Ultrasound today. I drank 45 minutes before the exam and only drank 75% of what I was asked to. I have been on this ride before and I have made a fool of myself too many times before. So I am taking hold of my dignity and making the rules now.

The tech was running late (hence my master plan had already paid off) and I was still uncomfortable but able to talk and move without thinking I was going to loose it.

I made my appointment with a lady and doing so had me wait an extra few days...as there is only a female tech for half the week and a male tech the other half.

The tech was kind and spoke softly and used my name over and over, made me feel like I was more then an uterus and bladder. She pointed things out things of interest along the trip and took a fair bit of time looking around. In her previous career she was a midwife that specialized in high risk pregnancy and was kind and kept saying she was sorry. It made the experience softer, more honest.

She said she had to leave that job because it was so heartbreaking.

" It is always the nicest people it happens to"

At one point on the exam, she turned on the sound and I heard a heartbeat....I wondered what it was like to hear a second heartbeat...beating even faster then your own.

She looked at me and said softly and kindly..."that is your heart."

It made me stop, it made me feel that deep deep hole in my heart.

It made me ache.

The results are already in and the call from the nurse was sweet.

My doctor had already lost the notes on me...and had already suggested I see OB/GYN for further "assistance in getting pregnant"

I swear I need a new doc, bedside manner of a dinner plate.

I spent at least a half of an hour telling her exactly what I wanted noted on my chart.

So as to avoid this situation, this exact situation!

I still have a cyst on my left ovary, but its presence needs to be watched as it has been camped out there for several months and its size and contents have a risk of rupture.

My uterus is enlarged and my there are several fibroids noted of various degrees.

My shape might be bicornate, but it is hard to tell because of the locations of the fibroids.

So now I am here again...40 and looking at the risks and benefits of going back on the pill.

I need to close the salad bar, no more midnight snacking kids.

No kids