Monday, November 29, 2010

Only time will tell

I made it thru the exam. I drank as much water as I could, but it was not enough....
My poor uterus was slumped over my bladder for the abdominal portion of the she had to push down quite hard to see all around it.
I ignored the discomfort and tried to not beat myself up about not drinking more water.

The tech was once again incredible and sympathetic and kind...I thanked her for that and it made her blush.
She is also kind enough to say out loud what she is seeing, or doing...another reason I travel out of my way to have her do the ultrasounds.

All seems to still be there, some are harder to see than others but their presence is known, the details lost.
She said very kindly...." I think I will be seeing you again soon" which is code for all is not gone.
She said under her voice that it appeared that one is quite camped out, and the cyst on my ovary is so much a part of its host that she can not tell where one ends and the other begins.
The doctor's report will state more details and measurements...I simply must wait and see.

Wait and see if this two year run is over, and for the sake of my messed up repo system I go back on the pill or I continue the wait and see. Sometimes I think, just go back onto the pill...but then I remember all the things that bum me out about it: handfuls of hair falling out, loosing the curl in what hair remains, the loss of my newly reclaimed sex drive, the mood swings...the fact that I am back on the pill.
I have been to this crossroads before and as sure at times as I am, I am just as unsure.

I know I only get this time around in this life...and I have waited a long time for this spin and have spent a lot of time waiting...simply waiting for a period, a pain to leave, a vision to come....for things to make sense.
I am still having to be patient.

I can see The Barreness, she is smirking at me...wondering which choice I will make now. She treats it like a chess match and has already calculated her moves based on my know responses.
My desire is to fool her this time.

1 comment:

La Belette Rouge said...

Oh, honey! If only the choices were easier to make and if the right choice only had positive benefits. Damn it! I am so sorry you have to wrestle with this choice. Big hugs to you, lovely friend.xoxo