Adventure Time

Last weekend we ventured into the BIG CITY, I was born there but my hippie parents wanted us to have a memories of  our childhood that contained less cement. 

Instead it was replaced with bullies and heat in the triple digits.

ahhhh adolescence

Imagine their fear and shock when I was selected for an art college in another BIG CITY, telling them that I wanted excitement and adventure. Funds dried up fast and I was never able to attend the college that I had wanted....but that is totally fine because I worked my arse off and ended up sending myself around the world and having adventures of my own choosing.

fantastic signage

So back to my reason for mentioning adventure...

We woke up early and decided to make a weekend of caffeine and art.

We were planned to go to 5 different coffee shops and a day trip.

We went to see a big exhibition on Samurai stuff....

not real horses, but really good models and scary dudes

pretty dragonflies and wheat

"feathers" made from lacquered paper!

it was wild and beautiful and impressive, 

the swords were in another building and it was interesting as well. 

The Barren was like a little kid and we spent a fair bit of time gazing at the details that were several hundreds of years old. This exhibit lead to another, of majestic landscapes and that was kind of boring...and then we entered a third exhibition...I am still haunted by it.

It was a retrospective of an artist and frankly there was no real information anywhere what anything was....so you were disoriented from the beginning. 

We saw a trio of environment makers (fog, snow and rain) accompanying a sculpture that had an active beehive on its face:

this was next to a broken ice rink that was decomposing....and then a rock in a tank of water.

and a wall rubbing with a turtle fossil:

then we saw people coming in and out of a pair of curtains and the guards opened them and we went into a TOTALLY pitch black room, with nothing but "soothing" music and a smoke maker and cube of lights....

it was interesting but the air was stale and I started to not be able to breath, and The Barren was grabbing hold of me sooooo tightly that I think that might have helped restrict my airflow.

we left this room only to enter another that was showing a film, and as I settled onto a bench I saw the saucers of The Barren's eyes and I realized something was amiss...it was the film, it was a monkey wearing a human shaped mask, crawling on the floor...it was terrifying!

another tank was in the middle of the room with lights that made the water inside foggy and then clear....we left this room and passed through another with a film of something being thrown repeatedly...than a final tank that had crabs with Constantin Brancusi’s Sleeping Muse masks attached to them, dragging their overbearing shells across the sandy bottom.

The Barren left the room and the building,..I was still dazed and disoriented...

Apparently we missed the Ibizan hound that wanders the exhibition and the artist who shows up in an illuminated mask in that pitch black room! 

Frankly I think I would have peed myself.

It was like being in a dream, and a david lynch film and something else all together!

Outside I felt like my brain had been electrified and I was on edge....we sat for a little while as we waited for the electricity to dissipate a little.

We visited some of my favorite artworks and I took some fan girl photos next to them.

Lunch was from a food truck and we both got indigestion.

hahaha

cool booth which is now an installed art piece

detail

The city was exciting and a reminder that we are not city dwellers....

We made it home by mid day and proceeded to fall into a deep nap until dinner.

A little more caffeine and we ventured into the night in our hometown.

This adventure was possible because of our ease of movement.

We encountered a lot of parents that looked mellow and handling it all.

Sleeping children and kids with maps looking for their treasure.

 Then there were the others, singing opera in the art exhibition areas....running up and down the city streets, crying and refusing to eat what was being offered.

It was easy to have that moment of "aaah" we can come and go as we please. We can eat when we want, and see what we choose. There was a guilty kind of freedom associated with the day.

Our friends had moved the day before, and we helped only a little bit...and then walked away as their daughters searched for their items in the piles of unorganized goods.

We could do that.

I heard of another infertile that has become pregnant, she is on strict bed-rest for most of her pregnancy. I wish her well and will be interacting with this newest person through family events....but when I heard the news (which is still quite hush hush, so don't tell anyone) 

my first thought was " ugh, I am too tired to think of going through all this again"

I know there will be comparisons to us again...and frankly I am just over it!

I have a big milestone birthday coming up and it is the age of no return in my mind.

I am not going to have kids, it is a matter of fact.

So I am going to live my life as happily as I can now, I am done with sadness and what ifs and maybe if I just try, and if I only....

I am whole, I have a family, I am not at fault.

Soooooo.......

This weekend we are doing another adventure! 

and it includes BOOKS!!

I Forgot....

I have been in my own head and so I am not here...strangely enough.

I am still in my three times a week practice, eating the cleanest I can 6 days a week and teaching myself what I can about how to navigate this life of mine.

 

It wasn't until I received the annual email asking for my opinion or input on a research study some post graduate is doing on infertility and art therapy did I realize that it was NIAW.

I actually forgot!

Like totally forgot....

 

Last year I was mad and made a pledge to not talk about it, as it really felt that I was preaching the choir. We all know about infertility and how much it hurts and what we don't want people to say to us and what a long and personal road it is to regain our sense of self again....
so why tell each other.

I am waiting to respond to the request...
I am not in a hurry to remind my body and heart about my journey through the fire...
sorry post grad, you are gonna have to wait.

photo by: Arthur Leipzig
 

PLUS it is my birthday week! the actual day is Friday and I am feeling beyond lucky as The Barren swept me up last weekend and took me on an all surprise trip....
He had been planning it for weeks and it is so outside his personality to keep a secret, that all I saw was this as a massive gesture of love.
He gave me the gift of a weekend with him, and to top that, my best friend!
WHAT A GIFT time with your best friend, and hubby and music and junk food and love and time, time time...I was feeling so overwhelmed with love over the weekend
that I kept busting into tears of joy...and gratitude and glee.

I looked nuts and puffy eyed most of the time.
My bestest lives 3/4 of a days drive away and so the gift was HUGE.
We went to a concert, got dressed up and watched people dance, ate spicy indian food, played in the city and ate junk food and groaned and made fart jokes into the night.

Now as I come down, and plan a little thing here so I can share some time with the parents....
I reflect on how much I am growing.
So much in my heart and hopes and life
There was a moment over the weekend as we drove from a drink spot to a junk food spot as midnight approached...a moment when I realized that The Barren and I lead a different life than most...and that it is pretty cool to move so freely and openly. My bestest said it reminded her that she needs to get them out more often and do stuff outside their comfort zone.
One of the many reasons I love her....

 

So I think my darkest hours are becoming memories

I protect them still but understand that they are floating somewhere else now.

I heard that I friend is having a baby, after much trouble and heartbreak and I said out to the universe

" let their home be filled with children"

I am happy here

happy heart



It Happened

**warning non traditional birth story**

 

 

 

It happened, I was present for another small persons entry into the world.

Mind you I was not in the room when she took her first breath, I was there when my SIL was laboring, at home screaming and breathing.

Let me back up

My brother asked if I could keep the kiddos company while my SIL "laid down" for a little bit.

I was suspect, but through mental telepathy (wonder twin powers, even though we are not twins)

I understood something was up.

When I arrived she was breathing with some serious effort...and said something felt weird...

and she was gonna laydown.

I hung out with the nephew and niece and watched a computer game

on how to apply makeup (e gads)

and some Mario brothers cartoon...

then I could hear my SIL breathing in the other room,

well three rooms away.

My niece was called in and asked to perform "busy work tasks"

and I followed her and helped where adult help was needed.

My SIL quickly went from breathing to panting, to screaming...and my niece was tasked to call her dad to " get home now!".

 

I was tasked with getting the kiddos to the hospital and the dogs to daycare (two large labs).

The labor party left and so the adventure began.

 

The nephew wanted a grilled cheese sandwich, the niece was running all over the place getting bags ready for sitting and waiting and asking to help with everything!

I was trying to get the nephew to pee before we left and he was in full blown protest!

I was burning the sandwich and the fighting with the nephew

as the dogs sat and watched the swirling all around them.

 

I finally gave up on the bathroom, and told my nephew "fine don't go". Then I asked him what was really going on? I sat quietly with him and explained that today is a big day and that it is totally OK to feel scared or sad about becoming a big brother. It is a really big deal, and important role! He said OK and then I turned and said lets go take the dogs to daycare, and get to the hospital to wait for your new little brother or sister.

The burnt sandwich was removed from the pan,

and cut into pieces and placed into a spiderman bowl for the car.

I started to gather the dogs, one had a leash and the others was MIA so we used a slipknot style loop for that one. My car was across the street, so I set the kiddos up at the front door, which they then migrated to the lawn and took the beasts across the street to my little car...I have a corrolla...

and the dogs are 75+lb each...

I got half way across the street with them when they both started to protest...

one slipped out of his collar leaving me holding the leash,

the other pulled back and ran up the street!

 

My niece got the wild one and sat on her until I could get her and I called the old one over and heaved him into the backseat.

I retrieved the other from my superhero niece and got her into the backseat too.

Then drove the car to meet the kiddos who were waiting on the lawn.

Car seat didn't fit into the backseat as the old dog had turned into a block of cement and needed to be physically pushed to allow me to buckle the belts....

Superhero niece had the old dogs butt and protesting nephew had the chin.

The other dog was in the front seat after much convincing. It was a car full of panting, screeching laughter; and off to dog care we went...

When we turned into the driveway, the dogs figured out where we were they were jumping all over the car....

getting them out of the car was no problem, but keeping them slightly under control was a big effort...I was dragged into the dog care ( a resort for dogs, swimming pool, play yard, 24hr attendants...super posh dog care) the kiddos were distracted by some great danes and after the two dogs were checked in we headed quickly back to the car to go to the hospital.

I had just buckled up the kiddos and my nephew looked and me, gave me a kiss and thanked me : "Thanks Auntie for my burnt grilled cheese, it is yummy (heart melts)"

 Then the cell phone rings :

Hello?

She is here (my brother crying on the phone)

What!? already!

Yep, bye

The kiddos and I were all together,

I was there for both of their births

and we were together for the birth of their sister!

 

It was wild and fast and crazy and I was so sososososo thankful that I was able to be a part of the day.

I didn't cry, I laughed...I felt so present and happy.

I was with who I wanted to be with, being a full real Auntie and it made me so very deeply happy.

We all left a voicemail for The Barren, as we headed to hospital

laughing at how funny Aunties car looked with two dogs and two kids and Auntie.

Finding my way

I don't know exactly when it happened or how...but something has shifted in a new and better way.

Do you ever have those moments when you realize that after much effort and not much thought about how long you have been at it...it shifts.

 

I have recently realized this;  my eyes are clearing, my heart is lifting...my sadness is abating.

I don't know what I did, so I am hesitate to turn too quickly or jump up and down for joy.

I have been tested too, there is no doubt about that.

We had our 10 year old niece this last weekend and had fun for the most part, but there was a lot of negotiating. Like getting into the shower after the pool (first world problem I know), or begging her to finally go to sleep in the dark at midnight (after I had been up since 4:30am for yoga that same day), and then the final straw...me physically lifting her into the car to go home
and her crying over half way back.

I mostly thought, fuck, I am too old for this shit....

 

As she whimpered from the back seat folded over her pillow, I used phrases like:

" I hear what you are saying, I know you are disappointed, but we made a promise to be home at a certain time and we have to stick by it"

"I am sorry you are so frustrated, I understand you and know how you feel"
" It is breaking my heart that this is how our fun time is ending"

 

I then tried to regain normalcy, I knew she wouldn't talk to me, but she was listening, so I sang along with this song...and told her how it was my favorite one right now: 

 

 

 

as she heard my voice join the music she picked her head off the pillow,
and looked at me in a new way. I kept singing over and over
I love you
   I love you....
 

By the time we got home she was talking to me again, telling me how she was watching youtube videos about how to make "cat eyes" and I told her I would try to do them and

then send her a picture of my trials.

I have a 10year old niece, who I struggled to understand and keep up with all weekend long. The Barren and I both crumbled to dust when her crocodile tears appeared and we both realized that we are not at a point in our lives anymore where we could parent and play....

we can only do one or the other.

Is that wrong to admit ?

 

This was followed by me making a belly cast of my SIL who is due in just a couple weeks.

This whole pregnancy I have not asked to feel her tummy, I don't feel a need to anymore.

It is beautiful and she is careful to not complain about her pregnancy around me....I think that is really kind. As I was building the layers of plaster around, further and further away from her skin, I found that I started to admire the form, the round fullness and wondered why not mine...

it lasted for only a moment and then washed away, I felt light again...

I think I am really making a new neuro-pathway.

It is a delicate structure still, I understand that, but I am actually building it

and it feels quite empowering.

 

When I returned from the emotional roller coaster, The Barren and I went out for a glass of wine and cheese. We just dropped everything and did it...as we were slowly getting loopy we flirted with the idea of a late movie or a night time wander...for us the whole night was still ahead

Awkward Silence

image via tumblr

 

So I had coffee with my friend.

She is the one that I/we are working with on rebuilding

the great break from years of broken fixes.

I have been making GREAT efforts to make sure I am always keeping in touch

or suggesting we have a weekend meet and catchup

It has been several weekends since we've been able to meet.

All these past weekends I have either sent a text or seen her and mentioned what a crazy full time this was or how we should figure a good time to meet.

We finally had a chance so we took it this morning.

In all honesty I am still a little gun shy, I always suggest we meet at the corner coffee shop and it allows for a fixed amount of time to sit and chat...in a public place.

I know now, that I should focus the conversation on her for the first half, or two thirds and smile a lot

I love hearing what is happening with her children and so I try and constantly take mental notes.

As she seems to round the corner of shared events, I shift some of the conversation to myself...sort of.

I can really only share some stuff.

I have found it works best when I don't share how I feel about my body...

or my deep sadness of my SIL being pregnant again

or my extreme happiness about how I don't have my days TOTALLY monopolized by another persons schedule.

or how I am kind of hung over cause the Barren and I were out drinking all night

haha

I can talk about my art, a little about my family, and what we are doing this coming week.

I have found that she tenses up when I mention other friends,

so I don't talk about them or name them.

It sounds really restrictive, but in a way it is very controlled.

As I age I have found there are friends and there are FRIENDS and sometimes we grow apart and change in ways that distance ourselves and then over time we can grow back towards one another.

 

But then there are silences in our conversations.

...and in my mind I am thinking

wow, my life is very different from yours and I can't relate.

It is a strange flip.

 

Information Gathering

Today I went to an appointment that I have been working on not thinking about for weeks.

I did pretty well until Friday when the paperwork arrived in the mail.

 

I had a consult with a specialist about my cyst (Quasimodo) the one that has been camped out for years and refuses to change or go away. My doc, as a precautionary measure wanted me to get a second opinion that my " hell no you can not go for a scenic drive around my pelvis and pluck whatever you damn well please" watch and wait method was still safe. I understood and quite frankly with all the health issues with family and friends as of late, I needed to step up to the plate.

It was a 6 week wait to see this doctor, and after my visit I see why.

 

I awoke early and as I sat in bed trying to figure out what time it was The Barren said so what are you going to say? I said I was going to ask if I was in mortal danger with my current modus operandi. He said " she is going to tell you, you need surgery...what will you say then? " Sweet man, playing devils advocate so I could prepare my speech. I told him that I would say " that is not an option for me, what is plan B, C,D, E or F?" He kissed me and said " good luck"

 

I arrived with my folder of past test results from 2004 to current and sat and waited. The office filled with mid-pregnant women and the door between the reception desk and back exam rooms was constantly swinging open as that same group of women were in a parade circle to the bathroom.

 

Free samples for the pregnant gals, sadly no drinks were offered to the rest of us.
Is there a suggestion card around....

 

I was called in and I could feel my heart beating so fast, and hard, I was terrified that I would not have the conviction in my voice to speak up in the face of this newest doctor. I was told on the phone that it didn't matter where I was in cycle that as it was only a consult, I was not going to be examined. Well she was wrong, large paper napkin in place, I did the modesty wiggle to unfold that paper as far as possible and then wrap the ends around my hips so my arse was not blowing in the wind...cross my legs up under me and resume some sense of dignity while I sat and waited some more.

 

I heard my chart removed from the outside of the door and she sat with it for a fair bit of time, in fact I was taken aback how long she read it....then she entered the room.

We said hellos and then I told her why I was there...careful around the word " get another set of eyes on it" as I was not opening the sightseeing tour just yet. She asked how my quality of life was, daily. Asked what my periods were like, then she asked another question:

 

Doctor Lady: " so you have stopped trying"

 

I sat there thinking about Nicole's post, feeling like my heart suddenly got a lot heavier

and in my next breath I said:

 

The Barreness: " it just didn't happen for us the way we wanted." 

 

Doctor Lady: " so you have come to terms with that "

 

I took a deep breath, and said

 

" as much as I can, it is something I work with everyday"

 

Doctor Lady: " What I mean is, you are not here to ask me to help you try and get pregnant"

 

The Barreness: " No, it can not happen the way we had hoped. I am here to make sure that my quality of life is maintained and that I am not putting myself at jeopardy"

 

Doctor Lady: "That is very brave of you, that is something very hard....do you have someone to talk with about it?  like a therapist or friends...you should not try to handle it alone"

 

The Barreness: " that is the most compassionate thing any doctor has said to me about my infertility, thank you. That was very kind of you"

 

Lady Doctor: " I am really sorry to hear that, really, that is sad"

 

She mentioned what she thinks I have is an Endometrioma and that it can be removed, if I ever want it to be...but if I am comfortable and only in hell a few days a month, and I am OK with that we can forget it. She then mentioned my lovely heart shaped uterus and mentioned that that is the most likely culprit for my losses. She mentioned that that could be removed too.
I told her I understood but now that I am over 40, I have changed paths...realizing that those were options (that were never mentioned to me by the way) for me at 34 when I started trying to stay pregnant. Reality is my eggs are older, and most likely pissed off at me and so I didn't need to invite Pandora into my life. I have had enough heartbreak and pain and loss.

She said she understood.

Scary shit you can be tested for...

 

In an effort to remove yet another scary option off my checklist, I gave a vial of blood for CA125,

she said that endometriosis can show it as an elevated number but she felt confident that she could tell the difference between endo and a cancer. So I did that too...not thinking about that either.

 

She gave me a feel, furrowed her brow while I tried to relax and told her I would add her to my list of people who have felt my uterus.

She ordered I get new ultrasounds, one as soon as my next period is over and then a followup 6 weeks later. it was important to start the plotting of the cyst and make sure it was not changing at all. My every four months was not close enough together...ugh

So I have those transvag days to look forward too into the holiday season....HOHOHO

 

Today is also the anniversary of my Nana's death. She left 6 years ago.

I mention this because what I did next is directly related.

When I was in the middle of finding all this sadness out, and being a medical guinea pig

I had to tell my Nana that I could not have kids.

She was not an emotional woman, in the sense that she didn't cry or hug.

Not a babushka kinda grandmother.

My Nana, liked men, drinks and sex.

But...

When I told her, she looked heartbroken and so concerned...

it made it almost unbearable.

She reached out and simply hugged me.

It was the best gift from her, knowing she loved me so completely.

About a week later, she sent me a card, in it was some cash.

The card said:

" Go get yourself something pretty, it will help you"

Classic 50's gal, pretty yourself up on the outside and it will start helping the inside

So today, after the appointment, I bought myself a couple new blouses.

I even got one for a friend that I know needs a little pick me up too.

thanks Nana

Ghosts of days past

So I go thru this weird thing before traveling for any length of time...

I am really quite a worry-er by my nature and coupled with my incredible ability to catastrophize anything into the worst case scenario, it allows me to be in a constant state of

"get my affairs in order" mode.

Today it manifested in my cleaning out the cupboard under my sink.

How this helps me "get my affairs in order" is not for me to understand, I am simply following that innate urge to clean up messes so that in case I die on this trip, no one will find out just how much of a slob I really was.

Brilliant huh?!

I found all sorts of things I had been looking for...

I go thru moods of wanting to learn how to properly put on makeup, style my hair or moisturize my skin regularly. In the wake of these moods I am left with a lot of "product", evidenced today with a bag of giveaway to my niece who can play dress up and can put on fancy lotions or something...

Past all the sparkle and play I found...

What I wasn't expecting, little boxes shoved into the back corner of the cupboard.

Empty but still present.

I found five, FIVE, empty pregnancy test boxes.

All empty, all with just the instruction booklets in them, but stacked carefully in the far back corner of the space.

I sat there looking at them next to the empty tampon boxes, wondering why I kept empty boxes...why didn't I just toss them into the recycle bin with the other empty boxes?

I guess, I simply wasn't ready to.

I peed on a lot of sticks in these last 8ish years, far more then the 5 boxes that I unearthed today.

Then with just as much anxiety, and heart pounding as I had experienced buying them, I broke them down and put them into the recycle bin, brochures and all.

after that I found a reason to leave the house; I couldn't bear to hear The Barreness's cackling laughter and blinding smile

Thankful Thursday

Seeing as that it seems to be Thursday again

and I am working on changing my normally sarcastic outlook (well,this week)

I decided to focus this energy for the powers of good

*

I am thankful that I have been able to clear a longtime clogged slate of anger

(it is a doosie; so being the experimenter that I am , I thought I would see how long they could keep me from turning away from them, ball is in their court. I showed up to the game) 

I am trying, again

*

I am also thankful that when invited to visit with a long time ago friend I didn't run for the hills when I discovered that she was 8 3/4 months pregnant.

I am thankful indeed

Lottery Ticket

My hubby is sort of coming into himself these days....

he is rethinking what makes him happy, what brings him joy,

what he wants to do and how he can follow that;

regardless where he spends his days.

Since the appearance for the work for my show

and

his inclusion of his lullaby,

he has really started to take in the harsh reality of being a family of two.

His reality checks come at strange times for him, and they are never welcomed.

His job has him working in a traditional open room, filled with cubicles; each space personally decorated with a combination of office possessions, plants and family photos.

His company is progressive and has family days, bring your kids to work day, family activities and maternity and paternity leaves.

We will not be using any of those days or do we attend any of those events.

On a recent bring your kids to work day, the company had a play room set up and encouraged workers to take shifts watching the kids play and visit with other coworkers and children...

I got a text saying:  "OMG I forgot it was BYKtWD"

My sweet man was cornered by a co-worker asking why he was not offering to watch the kids?

he simply replied "um, I am just not into that"

the co-worker then said "you don't like kids?!"

hubby said: "actually we tried for a long time to have them and it didn't happen, so I am not really ok around kids"

to that the co-worker said: " oh "

and walked away...

leaving hubby gutted and wanting to disappear.

He is asked repeatedly if he has kids; he has the classic co-worker who has just returned to work from having a baby, she works on the other side of his cubicle; cooing and evangelizing how much better her life is now that she is a mom. Her audience is her boss who is a new dad, so they talk on and off all day long about how wonderful their lives are now.

Yesterday I got another " help" text

Yesterday a young coworker came flying up the aisle of the office waving a piece of paper proclaiming that she has great news. Hubby works with her, and so he peeked out of his cube to see her and the paper picture of her uterus with new dark dot.

He said on the ride home last night that is was really strange for him, that he wanted to be excited but all he could think of was how, "she won the lottery...

A lottery that most people win."

It is at times like this that I often fall back into my own thoughts of shame and guilt.

Ones where I wonder if he should find someone else and start a life with her, make beautiful babies and live the life he was suppose to.

Not one with my faulty uterus and ovaries.

Sometimes I ask him, if he feels cheated or wants to find a new life...

not quite sure if I am really prepared for the answers.

But every time, he looks me in the eye, and tells me he

would rather walk this road with me than any road with anyone else.

For that I am thankful...

even if I never fully get over feeling guilty about it.

I have no words of comfort for him, I know they don't work in situations like this.