Ghosts of days past

So I go thru this weird thing before traveling for any length of time...

I am really quite a worry-er by my nature and coupled with my incredible ability to catastrophize anything into the worst case scenario, it allows me to be in a constant state of

"get my affairs in order" mode.

Today it manifested in my cleaning out the cupboard under my sink.

How this helps me "get my affairs in order" is not for me to understand, I am simply following that innate urge to clean up messes so that in case I die on this trip, no one will find out just how much of a slob I really was.

Brilliant huh?!

I found all sorts of things I had been looking for...

I go thru moods of wanting to learn how to properly put on makeup, style my hair or moisturize my skin regularly. In the wake of these moods I am left with a lot of "product", evidenced today with a bag of giveaway to my niece who can play dress up and can put on fancy lotions or something...

Past all the sparkle and play I found...

What I wasn't expecting, little boxes shoved into the back corner of the cupboard.

Empty but still present.

I found five, FIVE, empty pregnancy test boxes.

All empty, all with just the instruction booklets in them, but stacked carefully in the far back corner of the space.

I sat there looking at them next to the empty tampon boxes, wondering why I kept empty boxes...why didn't I just toss them into the recycle bin with the other empty boxes?

I guess, I simply wasn't ready to.

I peed on a lot of sticks in these last 8ish years, far more then the 5 boxes that I unearthed today.

Then with just as much anxiety, and heart pounding as I had experienced buying them, I broke them down and put them into the recycle bin, brochures and all.

after that I found a reason to leave the house; I couldn't bear to hear The Barreness's cackling laughter and blinding smile

Quiet

Hubby just called to say  that he will not be home until late.

He is meeting with friends and relaxing his Friday night away.

In some ways it hurts my feelings...I work all day so that by Friday night we can hang out together

...in other ways I realize it is really important that he has his space and time.

I am home, in the quiet of the house.

My period is late again, and I have a pee stick sitting on the counter waiting for me to address it.

I know I am not pregnant, I just need to see the negative sign so I don't torture myself all weekend waiting for my cycle to kick into gear.

I have eaten too much chocolate today in hopes it would kick my ovary and the cycle will start

....no luck so far.

The road is laid ahead of me and I simply need to take that first step to start the daydream of "what if..."

I choose to stand still and check my compass first.

Waiting at an empty station

My period has yet to arrive.
I was due to get it last week, Wednesday night is when it normally arrives...but it didn't.
Nor, did it appear, Thursday or Friday.
By Friday night I peed on a "You're not pregnant stick".
Then Saturday and Sunday passed with still no sign or even spotting.

I peed on another stick Sunday night..."You're still not pregnant"

I have only missed my period one other time, I was high, high up in the mountains of Nepal, and had been hiking for 10+ hours a day. I missed my period then and that was over 10 years ago. It was memorable then as it is now.

Except now, I am dealing with the mind-fuck that is infertility and the wake of two miscarriages.
Should I still pee on sticks to look for a faint, almost non-existent line, or continue to check the pee sticks I have already thrown into the trash because "maybe now that some real time has passed, it was really a positive and I just couldn't see it."

When should I stop wondering about this month, and have a glass of wine or stop wondering if that aspirin I just took was a good idea. When will I understand that the train is late, and might not stop at this station this month after all.