Thursday, September 06, 2012

Pop goes the weasel

image via superstock

 it happened, the building pressure could not be contained any longer...
the pain and hurt,
the miscommunication and anger was all too much.
My friend, the one I mentioned here, was outside when The Barren and I passed to say good morning and she let loose again. She just kept telling me how upset she was, how she has stopped calling or asking me to do things...I heard most of what she said, but in all honesty, I also shut totally down.
 I heard myself say things like, I hear you, I understand you.
Then when it was all over, I ran into the house and closed myself into a bathroom and cried.
That night we went to dinner with her and her family.
As we drove to meet them I turned to The Barren and said
"I feel like you are driving me to an execution".
At dinner, I said barely anything, I was so nauseous and scared. We parted and on the way home I decided I wanted to hole up some more...lick wounds so to speak.
The next day I wasn't able to do anything but think of the recent I wrote down how I was feeling. I used words like bullied, mean, fear and emotionally exhausted.
It took three times of trying to meet with her, but that day we met face to face,
I figured if I was going to puke she should see that too.
We sat outside my front door, and I read what I wrote, she listened and then countered...
she used words like hurt and angry and mean and done.
She started to yell, then I started to yell and then...while she was telling me how she was feeling,
I said : " I am glad we are doing this, as horrible as it is long overdue"
We could have been panting by the time were were done,
but it came to that moment when we said so what do we do now?
Was this worth trying to save, did we still want to be friends or try to be...
My suggestion was to start from square one, let go of all the things we had done to hurt and disappoint one another in the past as that can not be changed and
move forward anew for this moment.
She agreed.
How painful it was to see myself in this other persons eyes, thinking all this time I was doing no harm; avoiding conflict, but instead hurting this person. It was horrible, and to be pushed so far that I spoke the hidden words I was feeling for her all this time. It was a lot to process at that moment.
I introduced myself, we ended up talking another half hour and by the end we were laughing and relaxed again.
We have plans to have coffee on Saturday.
The adrenaline that had built up over this is finally leaving my body
and I burned the paper I had written to her.


Nicole said...

I am a firm believer in the fact that sometimes we have to yell at each other. I think we just have to get out all that crap that has been building up and we haven't found a nice, calm way to talk about it. It sounds like you were able to do that, finally. Which was probably really relieving.

I hope the "new" friendship goes well and that it is able to continue happy and peaceful :)

Mali said...

Wow. I can't do that with my friend. I hope it works for you, and glad that at least you have said what you wanted and needed to say.