Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Quiet the crazy

Here we are ladies, in the middle of NIAW.
It seems like many of us don't need to be reminded of this week,
 as we live with it daily, hourly, even moment by moment.
This week makes many of us sudden advocates, warriors and spokespeople.
Many of us are reluctant, or fearful of revealing ourselves.
Myself included;
 because after 8 years
I am now working on being something,
someone, other than the infertile woman,
the barren couple,
the sad story.
Yesterday I was in a deep dark place, I had a whole lot of crazy swirling in my head.
I had my mean mantras repeating themselves, the destructive ones, the easy ones...
I had a weekend full of my crazy MIL who probably has no thoughts about our last encounter and figures it was just a normal conversation about the weather or a new item of clothing.
 I was not able to tell her how it made me feel and I think that had taken a toll on my mental health. I was not able to make eye contact with her the whole time and it made me feel weak and sad. It built up and when I awake yesterday it was VERY clear to me that
I was going to battle a day of deep sadness.
I have composed a bunch of letters in my head, spoken to myself, with great presence and dignity about how it made me feel and also envisioned whacking her upside the head a'la cartoon style until she came to her compassionate senses.

this is an illustration only, I do not have button eyes
None have escaped my head...really
though it was fun to think about picking up the paella pan that
separated us at dinner and hit her with it.

Now, she is far away, and most likely we will not see/hear from her for many more months, or until she calls frantic for us to visit them thousands of miles away, RIGHT NOW drop everything.
We will cross that bridge when it appears; until then I am working on filtering out all the hurt and pain and frustration.
I am better today, I told The Barren this morning while standing naked and wet from the shower: "today is a new day, lets try this again"
it was the start of the day, I was naked and nothing had stuck to me yet!

NIAW makes me remember, that there are other people in this world that have no idea what others are living with, how powerful a casual statement can sit and fester, or how desperately we don't want to think about this week.


Hope said...

I just read your MIL's comments and am speechless. SHE is disappointed? I'm cringing and mentally reaching for the pan on your behalf!

Hope, ICLW #17

Mali said...

I've also been like you - wondering if I want to define myself as infertile, but at the same time wanting to increase awareness of infertility. And your last sentence really sums up why I need to say something (on my non-IF blog). Just like you did here.

So thanks for the push.

nicole said...

I too am on a path to new definition. And it is good for us to have these "Reboots" I think. After a series of bad events I try to find new goals, new hopes and desires to get me started going back in the direction I want to go.

I am sorry that you have a stressful mother-in-law. I am on my 2nd one and it is no fun. We can commiserate sometime on this topic.