Once a year

 

Yep, it is my birthday today.

I am not feeling a whole lot of festive.

 

I have been pulling myself through the week.

I know I have a lot to celebrate and how thankful I am for this life.

My parents are alive and mostly healthy, my body seems to be acting civil towards me,

I have an amazing husband and I am able to explore my art.

I am thankful.

 

I also have this overwhelming feeling that I don't deserve a celebration.

Like I have not done enough to earn it.

It is the battle I have been fighting.

 

All week, and last I was telling The Barren I didn't want to talk about my birthday,

 it was too emotional.

But...knowing me as well as he does,

I have overstressed my beloved, as he knows

I will want to be surrounded by friends at the last moment

and then he will be at a loss.

So to reduce The Barrens stress level I have helped him out this year.

I decided that maybe a cake eating party would make me feel better.

I will report back on that.

I am sending out the last minute invites today.

I also plan on dressing up and

we are having dinner with the parents tonight, and I know that should set me strait.

 

In beginning my birthday reflections,

I think I might go silent next year for NIAW, or not post anything in regards to my infertility.

I hope that this year, I can begin to make a metamorphosis and start to tilt the scales away from

being the infertile woman...and more about being the artist who also has

a body of work about infertility.

 

I plan on making a new list of goals for myself....

and eating loads of cake

with ice cream