Rollercoaster of Love

 

I am still here, still above ground.
This post does ramble...
I am a swirl of thoughts feelings and moods in every hour of the day. 

I am still in a guinea pig level of this new medication...but I am cautiously hopeful that things might be working better. I haven't been in an ER since May and I count that as a win! I have locked down my diet even more, even though having an auto immune disease means that the food doesn't really play a part in the inflammation but can contribute to irritations. So I am experimenting even more on taking things from my diet, or massively limiting them.

It is exhausting and makes having tea with a friend VERY challenging. I am there sipping water while they eat or drink beverages I once enjoyed. They try and not make a big deal about it, but I see their looks, wondering if I eat at all...or if I am hungry or...who knows. 
I am trying to make it a practice of being present in a conversation and present with the person who has asked to share time and I choose to share time with as well.

 Honestly though, at times it is very hard to not show how I really feel about how scared I am. How I constantly fear that I might eat something that could send me into a ball of pain. How they might see how scared I am to eat anything I haven't made myself...how hyper cautious I am about everything, how this has massively changed my relationship with food, my body image, my self-esteem and wellbeing.

I am back to assisting with my parents in person. I was invited back to help. I have maintained all the stuff in the background, but was refused when I offered to help take them to appointments or help by dropping off meals. So I started with shuttling my father to his mental health appointment and was asked to sit in on the session. Another therapist saw how we interact with my father and saw how challenging it is. My father is a performer, and so he is 100% on when he is around people other than family; presenting a different version to the outside world than is true making up facts. The therapist sees it thankfully, which is reassuring.

I also took my father to his annual wellness check and it was ordered that he needed a treadmill test. I took him to that, and I think it was a shock to my father that he wasn't able to last more than 2 minutes on the walking pad before his legs gave out. He will be returning to the test, but via IV dyes and stimulants to test his heart. It has been heartbreaking and beautiful to see this side of my father. Beautiful in seeing how vulnerable he is, it is a rare thing to be able to witness this side of our parents, so I hold it as a precious thing.
Each of these visits leaves me spent: emotionally, and I want to comfort myself, I do what I can to refortify myself. When he was in aftercare after his fall, I would eat a bag of harvest snaps on the drive home, screaming in between when tension was so high. Now, I drive in complete silence, no snacks are okay at this time....

It is a rollercoaster

I am rule follower, but I am determined to find a path that will work for me. 
I had two social meetings this past weekend and both left me so tired. I joke that the person who says yes to these is a different person than who shows up. I know it is super important to be social, and connect with people who are not toxic, so I push myself to go. I enjoyed both events but I was pretty quiet afterwards. I have found myself looking at people and wondering what it is like to walk in their life, eat what they eat, socialize like they do. I have found myself so much more serious and introspective. I used to identify with Tigger and now I am a cross between Piglet and Eeyore. 

Has anyone else been feeling like this? A shift in how you are interacting with the world around you?

The Barren has returned from his trip to Canada and he mentioned that the city he had his business in was light and vibrant and happy. 
I said "was it like to not waking up in a pool of existential dread every day?" and although we laughed at it, it was true.

Soapbox moment to the universe: I love where I live, it really is pretty and the kind beautiful people I interact with...but at the same time I absolutely HATE this government and everyone who is playing along, justifying it, validating it, supporting it and downplaying it.

I have been hunkering down and trying to find a bit of loft in my mind. Sometimes I get so caught up in the downward spiral of thoughts....other times it is like I am rollerskating around big holes in the road. Currently my garden spots are bringing me joy. I have a community spot and a couple guerilla spots around my complex that I have planted and they are all thriving and bright with blooms and food. I am slowly exploring art making practices that are new and interesting. I am practing yoga multiple times a week and getting closer every class to making my goal of 1000 classes done by the end of the year. Today was class 968. There have been some wins and I am celebrating them. 

My life feels like a rollercoaster for sure, but I am still trying to see it through love lenses,
No matter how cheesy that is.

Bread was my life

I was reading posts this last week, well I read them on almost a daily basis and read this one by Mel of Stirrup Queens during her weekly Roundup, and it seemed to trigger me. 

The question was: Which favorite food would you never eat again if you were told you had to give it up? You couldn’t cheat and name something you didn’t really love. You had to take one of your favorites and say goodbye forever.

Sadly, this isn't a hypothetical question for me anymore.

For me it is Bread: toast, sandwiches...there are many others, but this one seems to always float back to the top of the puddle of tears.

In fact even reading the question brought back memories from the schoolyard of who you'd rescue from a sinking ship, your mom, dad or brother...and I could never answer the question, as it always sent me into a spiral of sadness and despair trying to figure out how I could save them all...

I have found my list to be extensive and at times VERY HEAVY. Laden with sadness and restrictions and constant thinking how to make situations work.

This is not a foreign landscape for me, but as of the last almost year, my trek has become almost vertical in its scale. Becoming vegetarian at 16 was new territory, then vegan at 42, then, vegan, gluten-free and anti-inflammatory/no nightshades at 52 has definitely been the hardest.

I have always been a person who isn't comfortable at ALL with people making a fuss over MY food choices. I will agree to go anywhere when dining with family or friends. Always navigating the menu to not make it a big deal and remind myself that I am there for the company not the food.

The Barren and I have worked hard on finding something in many of our favorite locations, so that he can on a whim bring home something or we can have a date out out. He is BEYOND graceful at always trying to find someplace new when we go on adventures to make sure I can fill my belly with something.

But I miss many foods: I miss summer tomatoes and grilled eggplant and bell peppers. I miss not being afraid of being in pain over a simple food choice. I miss the culture that is food...

*I am having a small pity party*

At my last infusion my nurse asked me if I would like any snacks while I sat and waited for my IV to finish, and I smiled and said no thank you. She then realized that I couldn't, and said I was so strong.

This made me feel uncomfortable, it seemed like she picked the wrong words.

I am a rule follower, my doctor laughed at the idea that my vice is a meal with white rice or a white potato in a soup.

Sometimes I feel the weight of having to make all these choices every day.

So my pick to the question is bread....I have tried A LOT of the varieties available.

I have even been known to go to other cities to find a loaf of vegan gluten free bread, 

so see if it tastes okay.

Only one bakery (about an hour away) made one I liked, but sadly, they just shuttered their store because of increasing costs.

Most of the commercially produced bread has eggs or leaves a bitter after taste from sorghum maybe?

So I am left without cinnamon toast as a comfort food.

Mind you, I am a creative woman, and 

I have started making a stack of new recipes...but frankly it is becoming exhausting.

I think I foreshadowed this happening when my Mama needed to find soy milk when I stopped breastfeeding and it was nearly impossible. So they just gave me regular milk and I had a constant stuffy nose and tummy aches pretty much until I went vegan! 

So I am creating a new lifestyle, a new fussy way of eating/living.

I don't have to like it, I just have to eventually accept it.

In many ways this question is very much like infertility. What would you give up even though you loved the idea of it....sigh

What would you pick?

I threw up Hanukkah

Homemade jelly filled donuts

(vegan)

recipe here

I've been off of sorts since the election.

I am not going to get political today...

but I have been overwhelmed with emotions and feelings and anger at times.

Yoga has been a saving grace for me...and the classes have been packed since the election,

I am not alone in trying to find some solace of mental health.

I am eating clean and so when Hanukkah came around this year I offered to make dinner here for my parents and The Barren offered to make dessert.

We had a lovely visit and watched my parents act like bickering siblings...over food, and facts and whatever else came along.

I made latkes and we had veggies and some meat (well The Barren and my father did)

then dessert!

I am not a donuts person, and so when they were made I offered to be the jelly filler 

and powder sugar cover-er. 

Important roles and one I enjoyed a lot!

I sat down and ate two! they were yummy and my lips were coated in white!

It was great and the sugar surged through me and I was moving faster and faster and we chatted some more and then my parents called it a night and headed home.

I sat on the couch while the dishwasher ran the first load of dishes and fell asleep.

When I woke up with a start a half and hour later...I ran to the bathroom and threw up Hanukkah.

Too much...

oil, sugar and too much

It was a vast reminder that I have eaten really clean for a long time 

and fried food is not something I can really deal with....anymore.

I gotta figure out a new latke recipe that I can bake or adjust 

sigh

Now that Christmas has past, 

ideally those crazy tear jerking commercials will fade away for another year.

I don't have to think about how many baby photos will come in the mail and how many family pics will fill our mantle.

I greeted each one this year with a smile and took in all the joy conveyed in the images...

but knew something was different at our place.

And as I brainstorm about what kind of new years card we will send out...I often find myself thinking

" what will show them that we are really happy, even without kids"

I know it is messed up, and a bit like a keeping up with the Jones' kind of thing.

But it is true....

I don't want to throw up any more celebration

I just want to keep it real

Little gifts

I was getting my weekly hoard of avocados and stone fruit from farmers market on Saturday.

A quiet moving meditation for me.

It was hot already at 8am, and there was no wind.

so it was kind of muggy too.

I had heard on the news earlier, that the drought is so bad, that we would need significant rain for three years strait to restore the levels back to normal.

I go to the market to get the few gems that our CSA box doesn't provide.

The guy I get my stone fruit from reminds me of 

Jeff Spicoli 

He is really nice and sweet and sells KILLER fruit.

Almost every week there is a different variety of pluot, nectarine or plum to choose from.

I had paid the man for the fruit, and thanked him 

Turned to see a succulent vendor and stood in front of the rows of

pretty little plants all on display for sale.

The market was a buzz all around me...a low murmur of chatter and movement swirling 

on all sides of me....

I was just standing in silence deciding if I was going to get a plant to add to the ones at home, 

or pick up three more avocados.

I decided on two little plants and the man placed them into a little cardboard box, with some free potting soil and information paper on what they were and how to take care of them.

..and was handing me back my change

Just then, a drop

then another, then a crack and the sky split open and poured a waterfall of 

water downward.

People scrambled under vendor tents...

the succulent man was flustered that all his plant information paper was getting wet.

"my wife said, you don't need a tent, it will never rain"

I just stood there, looking up at the sky and smiling, laughing and saying out loud

What a wonderful thing this is

I must have looked mad

A silly smile across m face, drenched in cool raindrops

my shirt and skirt darkened from the new water.

My sandals filled with water and as I slowly walked away it was as though I had my own portable puddle to splash in.

People were huddled under the popup tents and the lady I get my dates from asked if I needed shelter from the rain...I looked at her, water running down my forehead and said

No thanks, it is just water, and it is wonderful to be in it

What a gift rain is

Three Glasses...and some salad

**gloomy post***

I'll own it

I stayed at home all day for mother's day

Hiding, avoiding, and not feeding into the day.

I didn't get any calls, or cards or mementos 

I am not a mother after all

I did send cards to a few friends/family members wishing them a happy Mothering day.

It was easier to send the cards this year than it has been in the past.

I got them weeks ahead of time and so it was simply adding a few words of love and a stamp

My mother was home sick, so I didn't have the pressure of visiting her either.

Since then, I have been working slowly on my own work

doing practice as often as I can

fighting off colds/bugs by doing practice and sleeping.

I haven't been thinking about much really these days and I think that is an issue.

I am in a slump

I am fighting comparing myself to others

fighting self worth issues 

and body issues

I bowed out of a few social events recently, just saying I wasn't able to make them

and not going to them seemed easier than trying to pretend to be present.

This last weekend was a social one that I couldn't bow out of.

Starting with a girls dinner at a neighbors place.

I was anxious about going but I put on some mascara and went and played the mantra, 

have fun, relax over and over in my head.

I was relaxed and having fun, until the second group of ladies showed up 

and I realized that there was another full uterus, the hostess being the other.

Then another woman came in glowing and throwing her hand into everyone's face 

saying, hug me I just got engaged.

I looked at a friend and said, I think I'll take that glass of wine now.

She smiled and in my mind the place suddenly filled with pregnant women.

In reality there were two out of 10

As intoxication was reached, I participated in a dress swap and was able to get a lovely 70's disco queen dress that I had admired from a friend and she in exchange was gonna get a dress that was washed and now too short for my taste.

 Then a slow walk home, 

texting The Barren that I was drunk and walking home.

On arrival I fell onto the couch and The Barren arrived soon after, smiling and happy that I was drunk and in an OK mood.

Sunday was another social event, and I was super anxious.

I adore the women from this group but I always have this feeling that I am the fat girl

I get a once over (full body up and down glance) before the hug hello

it sucks!

I am meant to feel like I need to be doing more, making more, exhibiting more, being more aggressive or MORE....

I was the driver for this event, and so I only had a single glass of wine and salad

Socializing was mellow and free flowing but I became self conscience many times over when people asked about what I ate and didn't eat.

I remember saying at one point, I have a strange and treacherous relationship with food now.

I think I said it enough under my breath to avoid additional questions.

It is true though.

I try and enjoy what I eat, constantly making efforts to only eat and make healthy choices but recently most food has some measurement on a self imposed guilt scale. 

I fantasize about eating a chocolate croissant and a cup of black tea with sugar...or a poached egg in a bowl of noodle soup.

Ugh this all just sucks....

I need to find a way to escape this latest encampment in this place....

it isn't black and doom and gloomy

but thick enough to make me stop in my tracks.

Reflections on a birthday

I got super emotional in the two days before my birthday. 

Someone texted me asking if I was really excited about my upcoming birthday and I responded with: "I'm in flux, in the middle of some kind of personal change, so I'm emotional and panicky"

Do you ever get that way?

My mom came over the next day, we spent time together just going to thrift shops and chatting.

 It was what I was looking for. 

A day of no real commitments and let my brain run loose.

I was having a REALLY hard time deciding what I wanted to do on the actual day. It seemed to really peeve The Barren and my parents, who clearly wanted some guidance on the matter.

I just was too spun mentally...but wanted to make a decision about it.

I even got a rejection letter that day and it left me un-phased

My black and white cat served as a therapy cat for her, she recently lost her beloved male cat and finds spending time with mine comforting. 

My kitty is glad to oblige, especially when brushing is involved:

She was still hanging out when I decided I would make my own birthday cake.

On my actual birthday, I made myself a crazy vegan cake, 

and invited nearby friends to come and share in the sugar!

recipe here

IT WAS AMAZING
Vanilla cake (I added orange zest) and vanilla frosting

My bestie sent me a little love package and it made me laugh!

Copper colored wooden clogs!

with a divot for my big toe

Fancy Smancy

I put on a fancy new dress I got just for my birthday, 

and greeted peeps as they arrived.

Everyone got cake and ice cream 

My parents parked themselves on the couch and didn't move for 5 hours!

It was strange at times, and quiet and I reminded me of a proper Victorian sitting room where everyone sits in their own chairs and has conversations in a circle...each waiting for their turn.

hahah

very proper...

When the friends fanned out, my brother arrived with his wife and kids and we all left for a restaurant that could seat 9 easily...it was outdoors and I got to watch the sunset display beautiful colors between the clouds and sky.

My nephew then provided dinner entertainment as he is just barely aware of the power of appendages and spilled the first two glasses of lemonade that were brought to the table.

Later in the evening while explaining something else, he knocked over 6 glasses at one time soaking his baby sister at the end of the table in ice cubes and ice tea.

This second act, had me laughing so hard...the best part was that he said:

"wow that was almost like dominoes"

I agreed and continued to laugh

I think I was the only one that saw the humor in his loosey goosey arms...

He took out well made plans, 

He upset the order of things

and left me laughing

I loved it!

Life is like that.

It is the weekend...make these

I have been battling a serious sweet tooth, which has me eating pasta and craving sweets...so I found a recipe that I thought I would try....let's just say I have made them twice now...

OMG, 

like having the most sparkly, magical, decedent, wonderful thing

 sitting on your kitchen counter!

I have been searching for an easy go to dessert to make when fruit or frozen banana "ice cream" just won't cut it. 

I tried a faux cheese cake and used like $15 in nuts and it just gave me a stomach ache....

then I found a recipe on Hell Yeah it's vegan and... 

JUST MAKE THEM!!!

You'll never know they were vegan....really, honest, truly...for reals!

Molasses Chocolate Chip Cookies Author: Claryn 

Ingredients:

 ¾ c + 2 Tbsp granulated sugar 

7 Tbsp vegan butter, softened 

3 Tbsp blackstrap molasses 

½ tsp vanilla extract 

¾ c bread flour 

½ c all­ purpose flour 

1 Tbsp cocoa powder 

1 tsp cinnamon 

½ tsp ground cloves ½ tsp ground ginger ½ tsp baking soda ½ tsp baking powder 

¼ tsp salt 

¾ c vegan chocolate chips 

Instructions 1. Preheat oven to 350F. 2. In a large bowl, cream together sugar, vegan butter, and molasses. 3. Beat in vanilla extract. 4. In a small bowl, sift together flours, cocoa, spices, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. 5. Beat flour mixture into sugar mixture. The dough will be stiff. 6. Fold in chocolate chips. 7. Form dough into 2" balls and bake on a silicone baking mat or cookie sheet lined with parchment paper, 3" apart, for 8­10 minutes. 8. Allow to cool on cookie sheet 2-­3 minutes before transferring to cooling racks or counter. 9. Best enjoyed warm. 

Notes I bake mine for the minimum time because I love soft­baked centers; the longer time will yield crunchier cookies. Recipe by Hell Yeah It's Vegan!