Baseline

**Brain dump-trauma** 

 I didn't go to the Bog Witch meeting, I chickened out...or found myself distracted enough to let it slide by. I was embarrassed at myself...and then spent time rationalizing why I didn’t make the effort to go. In the end, I simply made myself dinner, sat and watched something on tv and pondered what happened to my get up and go. 

The Barren is currently overseas for his big business trip. He has been adjusting well, and getting things done and exploring and being pampered by the hotel and his company and coworkers. It is really beautiful to witness and although it was so horrible to watch him leave...I am happy that his experience so far has been a good one. I watch his air-tag move around the country and city and it makes me feel more assured in many ways. I can't say it has totally eliminated my catastrophized scenarios, but it has absolutely muted them enough that I can do other things.

We got a lot of things done and sorted before he flew off, like our will and deep conversations that were overdue. It was so beautifully intimate and healing for us both. We celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary and went out to a dinner. He was so overwhelmed, that I did all the planning and was the only one to share a card and little token.

Meanwhile I also finished my end of the year art deadline, finished a commission, got accepted into a show in NY city, won an international award, stripped my community garden space, shot portraits of a collector couple of mine and finished my 1000th yoga class.

To say I have pushed myself into high gear is an understatement and I don't always run on high, but I have been having more manic style energy bursts since starting this medication.

The second week The Barren was gone we got rain, like A LOT of rain and when I went to use his car for errands, I noticed the rug was shiny...then on further inspection I found the rug was TOTally SOAKEd and the back passenger foot-well had two inches of standing water in it. No open windows, no open doors...the inside was dry...but the floor was under water! so I spent multiple days getting as much water out as possible between additional rain storms. Yesterday after multiple hours with a shop vacuum, I "tapped out" and drove it to the mechanics for professional help. I had done everything I could and still it wasn’t enough. I contacted the insurance company and filed a claim, and now it is with the professionals.

********

The Barren is home, safe and didn't get sick! MASSIVE WIN for us both.

A funny snafu was that I had kept all the information about his car to myself, as there was nothing he could do from India and so I figured I'd explain when I went to pick him up. The night before he was set to travel home, the mechanics texted him an invoice! He called and said why are they texting me an invoice, is this spam? I explained what happened and we both had a massive laugh about it. He has been considering another car and this might have been Mother Nature’s push to change things up.

Since his return we've hunkered down and have been taking things at a slower pace. He leaves again Sunday for another trip but this time only East and for only a week.

Last weekend we got some results back on my father, and it will require some more appointments, procedures and patience. Upon this information being shared by my parents to other family members, I got a phone call the day after. Actually a conference call with a slight interrogation feeling to it, asking me what I am doing and how this is being addressed and why I wasn't pushing my parents into making choices, and do I trust the doctors etc...

I finished the call, and stood up to find my whole back had a spasm and my left hip was trashed. I have spent the week stretching and heating and taking Tylenol. Thursday was the BIG GALLERY exhibition and I want to be able to stand and share the excitement of the night and my accomplishments.

I ended up at the massage therapist on Wednesday asking her to cast spells, and do any other magic should could do to help me be more comfortable. It is most likely a sciatica episode and as I have NEVER had this happen before I was learning as I moved through it.

She gave me a massage, and did some cupping, reiki, hot stones and preformed some serious magic to my back and hip. Leaving me so so thankful!

I arrived at the big event last night rested, ready and in little, to no discomfort.

I was able to get a couple photos just after entering the event, and then my in-laws arrived. I love that they come to this event. It is always a funny surreal moment, as my mother in law has hearing loss and doesn't read the room, so I have been interrupted in a conversation more than once by her interjecting herself, because she can't hear I am already talking. My new father in law is often decked out in a Santa cap and seasonal shirt and wandering about with a smile taking in the busy gallery scene. Last night was the same, so when The Barren suggested they head out front to get some air, I followed and they rested against the front window, chatting and then....

My father in law suddenly collapsed, I threw my arms out and caught him before he hit the cement. He seemed to have fainted...he recovered and stood up again, and while I was chatting with him...he collapsed again...this time for longer and I caught his crumple again, making sure his head was safe and straightening his legs from below himself. The Barren called 911 and the response was swift. I kneeled on the sidewalk next to him talking to him quietly and convincing him to let a professional make sure he was okay. 

My mother in law just kept saying this has never happened and he was tired. As wealked her to the car, I reasched out and placed a hand on her shoulder, to which she responded "I'm fine", I looked her way and said, sometimes it is just nice to be reminded that you have people around you that care. She didn't really find comfort in my softness, so I let the words float away. We took her to the ER to wait for word. He was being treated for dehydration and low blood pressure and after hearing this my MIL told us to take her home. He had other labs being done, so she would wait for results and his call to pick him up from home where she had a car. She shooed us out and we sat in our car for a moment wondering WTF just happened!?

We went to a restaurant in town to stare at each other, ask each other over and over " you okay"; my hip/thigh pulsing in pain and try to process the evening that just unfolded under a beautiful full moon in front of the gallery on the biggest night of the year.

As our food arrived, MIL texted that he was released and home. As of this morning, although he didn’t sleep well, he was fine and she'd check his blood pressure before they take the bus to retrieve their bikes from last night. 

So that was last night.

Totally normal, totally surreal, absolutely baseline for this year.

in reflection, I am thankful that my body carried me through the night, never once faltering at what I asked from it. Showing me how strong it is and how capable I am.

My cousin was there, helping me by getting me a glass of water, putting hands on my shoulder, while The Barren supported by his mom and answered questions. Her question was "how can I best support you right now?"

Kindness does matter

We close our eyes

A Woman is Supporting Another Woman, Who has fainted upon Reading a Letter (1807)

Christoffer Wilhelm Eckersberg (Danish, 1783 – 1853)

 I start my infusions tomorrow.

Last Wednesday I got the call that all was set into motion. Since that call, the date has been changed the location has been changed and I have learned the name of my nurse. Plus made appointments for several other appointments and tests that need to be completed.

I have also rushed a friend to the ER 
and dealt with many stressful situations that comprise a life.

I have shared the information with my bestie, my brother, my meditation teacher, my massage therapist (boy I sound quite affluent) but not my parents.

I am having concerns with sharing it with them until after my first session so I can answer all the abstract questions my mother will ask and that way I can still feel a micron of control until then. Also my father is having some memory issues and the last thing I need is a daily call asking in a childlike voice " how I am feeling" when all I want to is to feel strong and powerful and capable.

I told my bestie that I don't want:

" the last thing I want is to be a willowy Victorian woman 
wasting away in the corner who everyone treats with caution"

I am now trying to get used to the day being peppered with medical calls...all of which seem to send a wave of chaos and panic through me and my instinctual reaction is to run....

leave the house, do anything else than what I have to do.

I have managed to make a couple things, and although it feels like pulling taffy, and that it is a steep, steep incline; I am seriously determined to keep on keeping on. 

I have to see the lifestyle I want, instead of the life that someone else thinks I should have.

I sound like a verbal vision board...

I clearly am doing anything and everything in my power to normalize this WHOLE experience.

The Barren is coming with me to the first infusion, because after asking, the nurse said he could come to the first one. 

I have also started a visual for my mantras:

I am a boat on the water, bobbing on the surface.

No water can get into me or sink me

 I can ride out each wave with curiosity and calm.

This is a whole new world...

I am really just guessing at shit now

Sleep Interrupted

 I have night terrors.

I have had some sort of interrupted sleep since my earliest memories. As a child I remember there was a figure in the hallway that I could see from my bed, calling me out of bed and to them. I never got out of bed for it; once they left I would run to my parents bed, shaking and scared. My mother soothed me and lulled me back to sleep next to her. My father had less patience for it, and so I always ran to her side of the bed, or crawled to her side of the bed and slept on the floor next to her.

I have always had conversations with those who are no longer here, in my dreams they would come and bring messages and I welcome those encounters. I sometimes wake in tears from the beautiful feelings that wash over me after those encounters.

My grandmothers and grandfather amongst many others have visited me multiple times. 

I get great comfort from those dreams and encounters.

My therapist always mentioned that my veil between sleep and wake is thin and I travel effortless between them. I agree. I often visit people or places right after falling asleep...

but sometimes things go sideways.

My visits can become nightmares, looping frustrating situations over and over, or scaring me with harm to those I love....and then there are terrors.

Last night I had a whopper.

The scenario is almost always the same, I fall asleep and then...in the darkness I am suddenly aware of someone leaning over me, or approaching the bedside. A robber or a threat of some other nature...

in response I scream, a full lung-filled scream, through the veils, through the layers of sleep and into the darkened room. Shooting my poor darling Barren out of his peaceful slumber and into shear panic.

I am asleep and am often startled awake by the sound of my own voice or The Barren exploding in fear with words or my name.

Last night was a memory of taking a deep breath and screaming...I saw a man in a plaid shirt in our room, on The Barrens side of the bed, terrified that we were in danger I screamed, loud and according to The Barren in a bloodcurdling manner.

I awoke from the sound of my voice and The Barren saying my name.

When I am startled awake, I am shaking, my heart is beating almost too fast for me to process and I am confused, like I have been ripped across time and space. I am left feeling deeply mortified. 

The Barren soothes me and reminds me that I am safe. 

We have done everything we can to resolve this, we have moved the furniture around in the whole house to change the Feng Shui. We have burned sage to clear the energy, The Barren even got hex remover when in New Orleans and we've used that. I have spray to clear the energy I got from an energy worker, I have done meditation breathing, I repeat mantras out loud throughout the day to remind myself "no one in my dreams can harm me or The Barren or our cats or home" 

Sometimes I get a feeling during the day, like darkness is trying to creep in, and I have learned to sense it and say out loud that it is not welcome or allowed in my home or my mind. I have also tried to focus on more of a lucid sleep, where when dreaming I recognize when things are starting to go astray and take control of it so it doesn't scare or frustrate me. I don't watch scary movies, I don't read scary books...this is adding to my stress. I am afraid of falling asleep or scaring my beloved again.

I am still quite shaken from last nights event, and The Barren is currently taking a nap as it took a while for us to relax, I think The Barren was also expecting a knock on the door from the police or a worried neighbor. Thankfully neither happened.

Do you have nightmares, or terrors? What do you do to make things better?

I'll write about other things, but this is taking the most real estate in my mind right now and I wanted to get it out and say my mantras in type and aloud in another dimension.