Bound

 

You have got to be kidding me...

I went for an MRI this morning, the doctor is wanting to knock something else of the horrible list.

I have had MRIs before, more times than I'd like, but all seemingly necessary.

Today though, today I had a problem.

I arrived ahead of time, got in right away...and in a great shift, was not required to drink strange "juices" or volunteer a vein for glowing fluids.

Instead it was a strait "let the magnets take the photos" kind of MRI.

I went in, relaxed and un-phased and was in my double gown situation (one put on forward and one backwards to avoid any peep show) and sat on the MRI bench and was then told that I'd be heading into the machine head first and backwards....I was strapped in, arms bound at my side and elevated and inserted into the machine....one of the techs said..." are you okay" and I said "NO, No I am NOT okay...."

to which I was pulled out of the machine, and had to catch my breath.

I was having a FULL BLOWN PANIC attack

I asked to look back at the machine, so I could "confirm I was not going into a sarcophagus" 

I did a quick scan of what was triggering me and asked....

"Can I release my arms?"...it was allowed and one of the techs asked if maybe a towel over my eyes would help, I agreed to that.

I was very thankful for the kindness and I apologized a million times, to which they said all was fine.

I was asked if it was better, I said yes and back into the machine I went to complete the test.

It was a half hour of booming an clanking noises...breathing exercises and then I was done.

I thanked them again...got dressed and left. 

Shuffled off to my car and cried.

I was mortified, embarrassed and suddenly understood why horses are given blinders.

The less I could see, the safer I felt.

Counter intuitive to my years of meditation, I needed to massively disassociate.

Ostrich myself to not feel bound and threatened.

I had my second infusion this week, I had a breakthrough pain episode this week, I had a massive deadline this week and then this MRI.

Maybe I really needed to just hide, maybe all of this is overwhelming...

maybe I do need to escape.

My 20th wedding anniversary is Tuesday

We have a night at a local boutique hotel booked, but we are both at a loss.

We can't travel right now, we can't break away just yet, it is all in the air.

BUT, we are gonna have time together and in a different bed.

It is also the anniversary of our first miscarriage and a death anniversary of a beloved pet.

We were social yesterday, going to a family event to carve pumpkins, and then follow it with a Halloween adults only party...but everyone was talking about their kids and how it is having teenagers or younger kiddos.

The Barren and I just exchanged looks most of the time and 

nodded and said "oh my, yeah that sounds difficult"

These days have me mentally bound too.

I reminisce on the days that we had hoped for, the times that were supposed to happen.

Our G-daughter is the age of our star child, she is a physical reminder of passing time.

I adore this time of year, the wind down with joyful punctuations of celebration. 

Building our memory space for Dia De Los Muertos today, I placed a doll amongst the photos of family long gone. Marigolds line the edge of the space, a figurine of a black dog to guide the spirits, candles to light the way. Joyful calaveras to help with the celebration. I made a space to remember our beloved animal companions who are no longer with us.

After everything is in place...

Something magical happens in the quiet of the house, after we put out drinks and food for the spirits...the house feels full, a place of calm and filled with love.

There is no sadness, our minds fill with happy memories of those visiting.

Maybe I'll hide (stick my head in the clouds) for a few days with my sweetie, forget all that is required of me, forget all the doctors appointments, the state of the world, the general malaise and 

simply float in those unbound moments of what if.

Wishing you all an unbound hallows eve

celebrate your personal magic

because you ARE magical

Remembering Death and Life Lived

I had been wanting to go to an event in a nearby major city for several years now, but never had the right timing or drive. So when a buddy called and said she'd drive and wanted to go right after they opened I cleared my schedule and said I'll buy your ticket!

It turned out to be just what I needed and 

aside from a set of scabs from my new sandals it was a great day!

The Dia de Los Muertos festival takes over whole sections of the cemetery 

it is a mix of altars and memorial structures and vendors selling all things related to the holiday.

There are face painters and food vendors too.

Live music, native dancers and people

AMAZING people watching!!

I celebrate this holiday, as it is the anniversary of The Barren and I getting married.

We purposely chose this day, as it is when the veil is the thinnest between the two worlds 

( the living and the dead)

so we knew that anyone of our loved ones could attend the wedding if they choose to.

It is also around the same time as the first of our miscarriages.

So I feel like our babies can feel our love the most around now.

It is a good cathartic way to celebrate, remember and mourn loved ones.

It is all in the spirit of love

and who could not love that !

I took my camera and the below are some of the fun results

Girlfriends all dressed for the day
(everyone was willing to have their photo taken, no one said no)

Jaguar dancer looking at some of the altars

crazy face painting!

Some famous cool dudes are buried here

LOVED her headpiece,
it sparkled and was amazing dancing with the light

Cat memorial in the wall of marigolds
this broke my heart and had me close to tears
I was glad The Barren was home with our lovelies

A Frida Kahlo sculpture complete
with a reproduction of her chest cast and lost baby.
I wanted to take this home.

Your favorite leaf eater
with one of the many paper mache sculptures
it was 90* (32c) , hence the sleeveless top

I took away a lot of ideas for our personal altar this year.

I was able to be quiet most of the day and just look, which was a gift beyond words.

I have a couple friends that understand quiet doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to you, but instead I am talking so much to myself I can't bear to say words aloud.

The past repeats itself

Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion

-Buddha

I am not sure where to start, after recovering from this cold...I am left sad.

In fact today I actually said aloud " boy, it is heavy. I can feel it pushing into my chest"

The first of three, happened two years ago Friday.

I am trying to really process all these feelings.

Something has shifted again within me.

Like a knowledge, an understanding of sorts.

Like when you are faced with a complex puzzle, at first you are overwhelmed and everything becomes frantic and blurred and chaotic.

Then after staring at it for a while you realize that there is a solution, but it is a labored one.

It can be solved.

I feel like that these days. Like I have realized my boat sailed.

~

I am standing on the shore watching it fade into the horizon, sometimes waving a fancy scarf on tip-toes with a smile and a tear.
Other times, just staring dazed, as tears stream down my cheeks.

Knowing I will never be a passenger on that ship.

~

I am trying to be kind to myself, allow myself to be quiet...

allowing myself to cry, if there are tears...

scream if there is rage..

Mostly tho, I feel defensive, and short of breath

We are filling our home this weekend with friends and family.
I wanted to infuse some joy into the house.
Maybe I am secretly wanting to push all the sorrow out...
let it go let it pass into the next place.

We build an altar for Dia De Los Muertos; I have little things for the lost ones...they are represented on the altar...quietly

One of the things I struggle with daily, is the feeling of not feeling connected to the past, for I can not create a future generation.

My mother was sent recently, a piece of family genealogy and it lists my great great grandparents birth homes and children and dates...the normal stuff.

I had always known that my great great grandmother had 11 children and my great grandfather use to tease her if she " just had one more it would be an even dozen"

This offered many laughs thru the generations.

There is a note on her record that she did have 11 babies, but only 8 lived.

She lost 3 babies too.

It made me feel her so closely, it scared me.

Maybe I am feeling her too, maybe history does repeat itself,

and this is how I connect with them.

1 year later

1 year ago, while celebrating our 7th year wedding anniversary I had a miscarriage.

We spent the weekend, quiet and reflective and wounded.

When October 30th came around this year, I woke up and cried and apologized to my hubby.

I cooked food all day and then I filled my home with friends and family,

and quietly imagined what would have been.

Our Dia De Los Muertos altar is built and filled with family and a little reminder of our sweet little someone.

Nerves

It feels as though every nerve in my body has been touched to a point of fraying.

Like a crazy old wire from a cloth covered cord in the 40's.

I have been bathing heavily in my history for weeks now and although it has been wonderful for my artmaking, it is starting to enter other aspects of my life again...the lack of sleep, the joy that doesn't linger too long, loss of hunger and loss of clarity.

I was talking with hubby and it seems that we are both nervous about the same thing. Watching the reactions of our family to the show. Watching them cry or tighten up and not speak to us again. Well, we know they will talk to us, but making them have to process their grief and loss in a more steadfast manner. My mother already cried at just the image from the gallery card. Hell, how will she or my father react when they see the far more personal work. I am nervous for them as well.

The one year anniversary of my first of three miscarriages is right around the corner and I am feeling the heaviness in my heart.

As I am trying to plan past my show to the next project/art idea, I am thinking about my Dia De Los Muertos altar. I wasn't able to make one last year, but this year I am.

Shortly after loosing the being...I found myself in a shop purchasing a little mexican folk art piece of a skeleton woman holding a baby. It seemed to comfort me, acknowledging our loss to myself. No one wanted to talk to me about it or their feelings. 

With my most recent recollections, I found myself seeking comfort again. My hubby told me that he feels it was and will be again, in some way, some where.  

I stumbled apon the Mizuko Jizo, a Japanese Bodhisattva.

"Jizo is the protector of children, expectant mothers, firemen, and travelers. Most of all, he is the protector of deceased children, including miscarried, aborted or stillborn infants. In Japanese folklore, Jizo hides the children in his robes to protect them from demons and guide them to salvation."

I am not a religious person(that is a whole other story), and finding this information brought me to tears.

I bought the snake oil and I now have a statue and it will be included in this years altar.

Hell, it made me feel better and that is all I was looking for.

I am coming out of the closet,slowly, but going public with our infertility on my other blog and social media sites. I hope it will mean something to someone other then myself.