invisible

I see colors when I close my eyes.

I first noticed it in meditation class and it was a wonderful illumination for me.

Ideas flow and colors are beacons of emotions.

No one else can see the colors I see when I close my eyes;

They are invisible to everyone else.

I had a massage last week and mentioned to the therapist that 

I see a particular color when she works on my back.

She made a comment on what a lovely color it was and 

mentioned that another one of her clients, sees gold when she has her feet massaged.

It unfazed her and I was validated and understood.

It was no surprise or a weirdness to her.
*sigh*

I am finding that invisibility seems to be a reoccurring theme as of late.
I feel unseen for the most part...able to pass through the day unnoticed, or forgotten.
When the feeling floods me, I tend to send out love notes to friends.
Either by text or actual cards in the mail.
I send notes of encouragement
notes of love
notes to simply tell a person they are held in high regard
notes of strength to act as floats;hoping to keep your head above water
I send notes that say Hi I am checking in on you

For the most part these are not really acknowledged.
Like my notes become invisible once I drop them into the postbox.

I continue to send them despite the lack of response.
I believe that no matter what, kindness matters.
I send them because I want to, not that I expect a response.
(but isn't it nice to know they found their person?)

The Barren keeps asking what I want to do to celebrate my upcoming birthday.
I turn 50 this year...
a number I am still baffled at, but a number that designates
how many times I have spun around that glorious ball of burning gas in the sky.

I come up empty each time he asks.
Shrinking from embarrassment.
As much as I know how much this frustrates him, I have no ideas.
He keeps asking if I want a party?
I would love a party...but
Honestly, the first thing that comes to mind is " who would come? "
I could invite all those people I send love notes to,
but I am really scared no one would show up.
It would simply highlight how untangled I am among the people I know.

We've thrown parties before where everyone who says they are coming,
 calls the day of the party and tells us they can't make it...
leaving us with a table full of food and us in our PJ's dazed as to what happened.

I continue to try and reach out to people I meet at the yoga studio or in life
but keep coming up "hot potato-ed"

I know this sounds like a pity party...but I am really struggling to crack this code.
What do you do for your birthday if you are without people you spend time with?

My bestie lives a days drive away, and we have hopes to meet somewhere
half-way this year for a weekend girl getaway.
(that is something to be excited about)

I want to help hubby
Maybe if we simply go to a park and set out a picnic,
and if no one shows it would still be a nice day in a park with snacks
and not hurt as much as it feels right now.

Does anyone out there feel invisible?