I've spent the last couple of weeks in online summits.
Art Summits mostly, ones I would have never been able to travel to pre-pandemic, so these online options allowed me to attend demo after discussion by many different artists and see studios all over the world and watch new processes and then rush, triple masked to the one art supply store 40+miles away and purchase new supplies with my squirreled away funds.
I have always loved school and these online events are perfect for the extreme introvert I have become.
I can sit and watch in silence or type questions from behind my on screen name or turn on my mic and ask questions. One of the best parts is that we are a whole community of introverts and socially awkward people all wanting to be together unseen and unbothered.
my people
I also popped into the Chasing Creation's Childless Collective Summit this week.
This was a summit over four days that was crazy organized, beautifully put together and filled with resources for the childless.
It was something I had wished for when I was at the start of my journey into finding who I am now.
I watched some of the recorded presentations and could not help but feel like, well it felt like I felt when I finally read Catcher in the Rye when I was 29...
I am too old of this...I have outgrown this part of me.
I was listening to lectures on navigating pain,
dealing with conflict
making decisions about ending fertility treatments
Discovering who you are
finding ways to heal
finding a new path.
ALL FANTASTIC and interesting and I encourage you to check it out too...
but I kept saying to The Barren
" I feel like I am past all this now. I am entering menopause, I had to close that door years ago.
I guess I figured out this stuff on my own....I had to"
Time marches on regardless...we all gotta figure out if we want to keep walking or stand still.
In other "Deal with this news..."
Another couple quarantine babies are cooking in two yoga instructors. One appeared while I was in my weekly park yoga class, and seeing her so full with baby; made me want to pack up my mat and run/leave. I guess that part of me will never change.
I feel like, I have walked into the wrong room and saw something that was forbidden...
It is a visceral reaction, and although I don't even know her, if I could hiss like a character from a bad vampire movie I would,
before trotting off mumbling under my breath about how she was luminous and so lucky.
The Barren has gotten his first vaccine shot, as he qualifies under "underlying health conditions", I am still waiting my turn, and quite frankly...I am ok doing that. There are a lot of people who should get the shot before me and I recognize that. I also know people who have jumped the line and gotten one ahead of others.
My parents get their second shot this Thursday and I am happy for them to get it and maybe resume a small social circle of chatting at farmers market with friends, or seeing movies in the theatre again.
My brother has so far decided to not get it, and that makes no sense to me, but I know a lot of people feel this way...so it really comes as no surprise.
2021 has been more like a 2020 version 2.0 for me, nothing surprises me anymore.
I seem to feel like noting can stick to me right now,
stress washes over me way too easily and I spend evenings sleepless
I awake with panic attacks
I just deal with them...what else is there to do?
I am making things, eating greens, drinking water, meditating, bathing myself....
I am in a holding pattern for sure.
But somewhere, someplace inside, I feel like I'll be able to flee
run away, and find new things to look at...
3 comments:
Yes to this whole post! Art summits sound awesome. I would love to watch and/or learn about other artists' media and their process. I'm happy you got to do that.
Also, I had the same experience with the Childless Collective Summit. It was SO GOOD and I'm so glad it happened and so much was offered. But for myself, I found myself thinking: this would have really helped me... Several years ago. But it was really, really good and so well put together. I hope people who are where I was five years ago heard the words they needed to hear and felt, for at least a moment, that they weren't alone and that other women out there UNDERSTOOD.
I'm really glad for your husband and your parents getting vaccinated. My parents are fully vaccinated now and I'm relieved because they never really did stop socializing. Grrr...
A holding pattern. That's a perfect description. I'm so glad you're eating and bathing and creating things. Those are no small feats!
I haven't yet listened to the Childless Collective Summit but I suspect (given I'm older than you and Infertile Phoenix) that I'll have the same reaction. I've had to figure everything out myself. But I'm so glad that so many younger women will have help along the way.
I'm laughing at the "hiss like a character from a bad vampire movie." Yes. I definitely have had that urge. And sometimes still do.
I'm happy every time I hear about US and European friends and family getting their vaccinations. Hopefully you get yours soon. And that soon you can do and feel new things. Keep taking care of yourself. As IP says, it's an achievement in itself.
I hear you on the Childless Collective Summit. I thought it was AMAZING (and amazingly well done), and I wrote an enthusiastic post about it on my own blog. And yet I have to admit, I also felt kind of... (cough) OLD watching some of the presentations and following the comments in the chat and on the Facebook group. A lot of the material being presented was very familiar to me (grief work, pronatalism, etc.) -- but it was obviously giving a lot of people some much-needed lightbulb moments and comfort. I'm glad for them. Maybe just a little envious?
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