Stagnation

 

This is how I spend my hours in the infusion chair. I take selfies and snooze.

I am currently trying to make some art....my end of year submission is due at the end of the month and I am finding myself struggling to focus, be inspired and motivated into making something interesting.

I have given myself grace, space and time...and yet I am feeling like I am trying to pull from an empty vessel. I am exercising, watching what I eat, trying to get solid sleep, reading things that are interesting and yet I am still coping with what seems like artistic blocks.

I am struggling with negative self talk, I have set firm boundaries for time to sit and try and work...and here I am, writing and not making some kind of artwork. 

I have recently come to terms with:

 the reality of being someone with multiple hidden chronic diseases

My relationship with my parents has broken in a new way, and despite my kindest, most tender efforts my father mentioned this in therapy yesterday: "he and his wife have been "parented" by their grown children since his head injury and... they are in the middle of a falling out with their daughter"

I remember in my grief therapy many years ago, one of the things I tried to resolve was not being heard. Some of my earliest memories were feelings of always being dismissed and told I was being overly emotional or silly. I must need a nap or need to sit and think about what it is I wanted...I was often angry and crying from frustration. I learned that what it actually it was because no one heard me or listened to me. So I would scream and slam doors, and then get in trouble.

This feels a lot like that.

I told The Barren the other day, that I realize this is my role with my parents now. I don't have to like it, but I also know that my parents don't want to be accountable for themselves or choices. So if something needs to be done, and I mention that it might be a good idea to think about it, their response is: 

"well, I guess I'll do it because if I don't I'll be in "trouble" with her, so fine I'll make that appointment or not climb that ladder to sweep the roof"

My brother does not get this response.

It hurts and I mostly want to cry, but it won't change anything. My father will not remember the conversation a couple days later and my mother clearly won't either. So now, I just use a flat voice with conversations on the phone and simply deliver information about doctors appointments for my father, or make Mmm Hmm sounds, stating no words of agreement or disagreement when my mother decides or remembers to call me. At the end of each random call, I ask if there is anything I can assist with and am always told no. So I leave it there.

I am getting my infusions every 8 weeks now, and they are taking 3 hours. I have to stay afterwards because my blood pressure drops and makes the infusion nurse anxious. So I sit and wiggle my feet for a few moments afterwards and my blood pressure goes up enough to be dismissed. While sitting there, I snooze, take selfies, look at social media and text The Barren updates on how thigs are going. It is horribly boring but early bloodwork results show that it might be working.

I have been doing my yoga practice four days a week and meditation one day a week. All of my classes are heated, and half of them are weighted. I have upped my protein levels in my diet as I read that it is recommended for Crohns and Colitis disease. It has become quite a full time job and I am doing all I can to not slip into disordered eating patterns.

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update

I finally made some artwork and submitted it Friday. I will know in the next couple weeks if something caught the curators eye enough to invite me to exhibit again this year. I was able to turn work in ahead of the deadline and have spent the last couple of days relaxing my brain and revisiting the idea of a more organic method of artmaking....instead of chasing a deadline.

I am proud of myself for giving everything I had to give to the project and turn in four brand new works for consideration.

Many anniversaries are in this week...

The 30th is the anniversary of my dear animal companion: 2020

One of my miscarriage's is the 30th as well

and then our Wedding Anniversary, 22years married, 32 years together

We are both so rattled, I have a feeling it will end up being a meal and a sunset drive. 

The Barren mentioned last night that he is really grabbing at straws for ideas...and I know what that feels like. We have been massively distracted with everything else life is throwing into our faces. We have had to make plans to travel for a family trip at the end of next month, to visit dying family. It will be like family gatherings of the past where we drive for the entire day just to get half way to where we need to be.....and those arrangements have taken all our mental energy. We are both quite anxious about it and the election is weighing so heavy in out minds and hearts...we are having a hard time focusing on anything other than just functioning. So our wedding anniversary has taken the back seat again...honestly, just spending time away from his office is gift enough for me.

I am feeling a lot

thinking a lot

and trying to stay upbeat for his sake

really we are just treading water.

Smiles and kisses above the water and absolute chaos below the surface.