* free writing to try and triage my feelings*
I have time at home today, my car is being serviced, as it now has 280,000 miles on it. I used to commute everyday to the town my parents live in and then when we quarantined I stopped. Now I am doing it again, most weeks. My father has graduated to out patient therapies, no more home therapy visits.
So that is progress, but he still has short term memory loss and balance issues. I am there sometimes 5 times a week, sometimes three days so I can go to my doctor visits and get a yoga class in and cook and clean up my home...and if it works out, see and snuggle my hubby.
I set up my parents with all the visits for outpatient therapy which has them attending until the end of August, as well as a monthly membership to a non-profit that specializes in brain injury. My father attends in person classes for brain workouts, physical fitness and group support. My mother attends as well to watch and sometimes participate too. I have her set up in monthly peer support group and have paved the way for her to access additional resources for more therapy as well as respite care should she choose to access it.
She has spent a long time putting herself in the back seat and as gently or forcefully I offer to assist her with getting her medical appointments up to date she pushes back and keeps things very close to her chest. So I struggle daily with explaining things over and over and over again to her. I am often her therapist explaining how things are not ever going back to how they were and that this is the new normal. She asks again hours later, like I am that magical fridge that you open the door to and new things appear. As you would imagine this is exhausting, heartbreaking and I have put all the rest of my life on hold while I set this all up and get it rolling into place.
My father doesn't do what my mother hopes for and my mother doesn't accept/realize this is not going to magically change. So instead she just keeps her teeth locked into her desires and refuses to listen to the present, instead she hyper focuses on things he is doing "wrong". When I was there last they were bickering the whole time, and it was beyond exhausting to witness.
My mother was mad at something my father couldn't answer and he was confused what he had done wrong and then eventually was just confused, as he had no clue what was making my mother mad and snappy at him. She in turn felt that he was avoiding the topic all together. My mother has two senior cats that are 17yr old and are having accidents from time to time. My father suggested it was time to "get rid of them" my mother was very hurt by this (understandably) but didn't consider the source and so she just held it as a personal attack. She told me she held her tongue and didn't say what she was thinking which was "maybe we should get rid of you too" So that was a right move on her part...and the day progressed like that. They attended a peer group later and my mother said that my father had a great time and he told me he had a great time and then when asked the next morning, he said he didn't. And so it goes over and over.
Meanwhile I am feeling less and less visible. When my dad finally came home from rehab, we were focused on his safety, and we still are, but are starting to relax a little, but as this was all starting I got an avalanche of news that I have been carrying like a heavy load:
My aunt and uncle were both diagnosed with cancer, the woman I used to nanny for who I am still very much in touch with, is now an adult and back in the hospital awaiting a heart and kidney transplant, my medicine had to change because I developed a complication to my Crohns/colitis, one of my closest friends decided they were developing feelings for me and couldn't bare that I was married and cut off talking to me and asked me to not reach out to them, a fellow woman I mediate with for the last few years had a her breast removed because she has breast cancer and is starting chemo and yesterday I was laid off from my job.
I have not been able to go to yoga regularly, make artwork or spend real quality time with my hubby. My birthday came and went with not much to define it from one day to another. I got a card from hubby telling me that he couldn't think of something special to do and that he loved me. When I mentioned how I was feeling to a doctor I went to see one for ear pain, it was just accepted as this is life. We are all overwhelmed and sad....get used to it. ( I mean it felt like that, I don't remember what she said actually...accept to not offer much)
My bestie flew into town to help her mom organize some things and we had a hot 18 hours together. I drove into town to get her, arranged for us to have a massage and lunch and then drove her back to her moms. It was nice to see her, but the whole experience was a lot, and honestly not very relaxing for me.
Is this the new normal? Is this what I am needing to fold my mind into for my life now?
I am spending today writing out these thoughts in hopes to release some of them and free up some mental space to rethink about what I want and how to hustle some new gigs that could land some cash into my hands.... mostly I just want to run away. I feel badly thinking that I didn't sign up for this and how deeply sad and invisible I feel.
3 comments:
Oh, Barreness, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It really sucks. It's a LOT to deal with, and I am annoyed with your dr saying "that's life" as if that's helpful, because it is the opposite. Yes, it IS life, but you're allowed to feel overwhelmed, to feel as if you're doing everything for everyone else or that their problems are all bigger, and as a consequence you're being lost, losing friends/jobs and your friendships and parental relationships are changing as health issues inevitably change things.
My first instinct, when I read about the behaviour of your mother, was to wonder if perhaps she has an early form of dementia. Or at the very least, if she needs to take advantage of some respite care or some support/counselling just so she can relax and breathe again. It's also terribly hard when the relationships turn - when you are the caregiver and you feel you have no-one who cares about your life. As my mother and in-laws aged, nothing going on in my life seemed at all important. I think it's just that their lives narrow so much that they don't have the capacity to think about other things. But I also know how frustrating it is to tell people - even those without dementia - over and over again why things are the way they are, and they just won't accept it until someone else (probably a medical professional) says it! Argh!
I don't have any answers. I just want you to know you're being heard, you're not invisible, and that I'm here (you know where to find me) if you need someone to listen.
Sending love.
Sending you some huge (((HUGS))). That's a lot to deal with. My elderly parents' situation is not quite the same as yours, but like yours they bicker CONSTANTLY and it's really wearing! especially when I'm only there for a week or two at a time, twice a year or so. I've told them that I didn't spend all that money and fly 1000 miles (through a pandemic!) to watch/listen to them picking at each other the entire time I was there, and could they at least bite their tongues until I'm gone?? Sigh.
Not invisible because I see you and hear you. It is a lot. A LOT. You have more than what can fit on a single plate and no way to remove said items from your life plate. I just want to send a verbal hug and let you know that we have your back whenever you need to vent.
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