Visitor

I went in for my annual, I was kind of afraid, I was afraid of what might be found and what might get said.

I searched for a while when we had a choice of doctors, I wanted a real feeling of having a doctor that remembered me and cared about my health.

I think that time has past.

My blood pressure was elevated, to a point of concern.

(it reminded me of one doctor saying to me: "I am surprised you even go to a doctor anymore after all you have gone through")

My current doc did my pelvic exam and felt my lymph nodes, but was ready to leave after that.

It was then that I pulled out my list of questions and requested follow-up exams.

I need to schedule this and that and I would like...this is my yearly physical after all.

I was far more prepared then her.

She asked if I had any pregnancies and I told her about my miscarrages. She said they were not real pregnancies, that real ones have a postive pee test. I sank...I am a fake.

She told me at this point of the game, I could have a referral to a fertility specialist or have a hysterectomy.

I told her that those were not options for me.

We chose many years ago to not have assistance to get pregnant.

She followed up this with, "...then now would also be a good time to start the adoption process"

I told her that was not an option either.

I got my blood taken, peed in a cup and have slips for future ultrasounds and mammograms.

I have found the end of the road.

there is just barreness ahead of me.......no sign "thank you for visiting" or a pretty patch of wildflowers.

Just the end of the known road.