Pet Peeve AKA Rant

Okay, I have to admit, as time passes I have found that I have a new pet peeve.

I can not stand when people post on social media how proud and excited they are

 that their children are actualizing and becoming small humans.

Example:

So excited little child has pooped in the potty

So excited little child slept for three hours

So excited only threw up twice today

so excited ate food

Ugh!!!

you don't need to report that your child is acting like any other human 

wow, not only did you procreate but now you are surprised 

that your little human are now acting like a little human

UGH!!!

Celebrity Reading

In Her Own Words: Lena Dunham on Her Decision to Have a Hysterectomy at 31

I read this yesterday and it was strangely familiar to me

down to the nitty gritty details- in a strange and comforting way

I was able to keep my uterus 

and still advocate for it every year

but there was a time I had this on the table and it was a valid and real choice 

Olympic Sized Triggers

I don't know what it is like in other countries with the Olympic advertisers....

but here in the US, the sponsors are running ads that are triggering the hell outta me 

and making me dread every breakaway while watching the athletes compete.

If it is not a credit card company, it is some ad about how moms are great and make athletes superstars from their love and care and drinking milk.

UGH!!

Random Encounters

I was feeling blue today, rough start to the day perhaps or just a flood of feelings...regardless I took a moment and said to myself 

" you gotta change this"

so I started doing things that my therapist use to call "Chopping wood and carrying water"

movement through sorrow...the key is to move, both literally and mentally.

We have a bunch of money paperwork in our bedroom, 

it is bad Feng Shui

so I decided to tackle that and get it out of our bedroom and stored somewhere more appropriate.

I made a list of things I needed and headed out to the 99cent store for office supplies.

I was cruising the aisles and turned the corner to encounter a man that was 

about 400 pounds and 6 foot 2

holding two pairs of hedge trimmers.

He said that " this is what you do to your husband" 

I responded that I loved him too much to hurt him.

I guess that opened the door for his unsolicited advice on how to reach the divine.

I was to call them forth by simply calling their name three times while touching acupressure points on my face and breathing in a certain pattern and they would manifest 

( I could only think about Beetlejuice at this point )

He then continued to tell me how I could radically change my life with his processes and that he had cured addicts with this breathing and meditation techniques.

He then reached into his pocket on his shorts and pulled the top card off a stack of business cards and told me to go to the website and watch all the videos and read all the information there.

I in turn was taking this opportunity to listen

be present 

watch his hands and my enviroment

and remember that sometimes people just need to talk to someone.

I then said about four times

thank you for the information 

It could make for a very enjoyable weekend.

(with no intent of looking up the website, 

because in my mind I was sure it would have a virus or some creepy spyware.

I try to be kind- but not stupid)

As I was walking away he asked if I had children

I giggled under my breath

I said no

He then said that was good, because " kids these days are nothing but trouble"

I told him I had still had hope for them

at that, he asked if I knew where the superglue was.

It got me out of my mood.

It also kept me on my toes, and I was making note of where he was and making sure he wasn't watching me or following me.

That part sucked the most. 

Checking in with myself

Most of the sadness has been processed now and recovery and rebuilding is in full swing.

Those things are helping me, personally move forward at a more normal pace.
I feel like a soft shelled crab, rebuilt but still fragile.

I also feel quite ex·trav·a·gant

I have been practicing at two yoga studios for the past month.

I am doing yoga 6 days a week and it feels great, but it is a pace I can not maintain financially.

in 10 days it will all stop. 

I tried a yin yoga class, and it had me in very deep stretches for very long periods of time, example a seated forward fold for 6 minutes...it was intense and relaxing and I was so very sore the next day.
 A good lesson in humility indeed.

I have also discovered some new feats my body has mastered:

 Optical migraines

Tooth grinding

I thought I was going blind one night and called my eye doctor who after examining my eyes confirmed that I was not going blind but was experiencing all the visual disruptions of an optical migraine, but I did not get the headache. Instead, shortly after leaving his office I got a repeat performance of optical distortion and a whopper of a headache.

In an effort to comfort me, he said that if the disturbance is in both eyes it is your brain. If your issue is only in one eye, most likely it is an issue with the eye....
so I kept saying to myself as I waited for the migraine pill to kick in...

you are fine, it is just your brain.

Then as a second act of adulting I went to get the dentist for the 6 month check-up
(which I postponed twice because of fires and mudslides)
and found out that I am grinding my teeth again!
I was shocked as that is something I haven't done since my infertility days, which resulted in a migraine that last for two months...and all sorts of other tests.
Turns out I have been doing a lot of it recently and I successfully chipped enamel from my back tooth that now needs to be repaired by my dentist that appears to be 20 years old and has a picket fence of white straight perfect teeth.


This adult stuff is not for the faint of heart....
body maintenance and upkeep is something that you don't think about when you are younger and dreaming of being an adult.

The other side

The freeway is open again after it being closed for 2 weeks.

21 of the 23 missing are accounted for and deceased.

The final two are children, a 2 year old and a 16 year old

The search dogs are still seeking and are still hoping to find them.

It has been a surreal experience to say the least. 

Even as someone on the outer edges of the actual event.

Our towns are small and friendly and everyone knows someone.

I mean EVERYONE knows someone.

I was away from my yoga community for two weeks and it felt like an eternity.

I got a couple emails checking on me and seeing how I was on the other side of the mud

I took the train into work once, as it was allowed through the slide area, but not automobiles.

It was a 12 hour process from start to finish for a 40 mile commute and 6.5 hour workday

I spent most of my time think and hoping that search and rescue would continue to find people.

I also finished some artwork that is opening in a museum show next weekend.

That time was a gift, as I was able to work on it almost uninterrupted and without concern.

A local yoga studio opened last week, and I had purchased around Xmas a pre-opening special pass for a month of unlimited classes. So I was thankful to get into a studio to practice and work my kinks out. My whole body ached, my mind went to dark places way to quickly and I was not sleeping much at all. I was glad to get into the first class this last Friday and then again on Sunday.

I was able to drive to work on Monday and did yoga at my normal studio and it was strange 

(I can not find the right word to describe the new reality).

A lot of the people in class are still evacuated from their homes, and I heard more stories of loss and lives gone and last moments.

It was like having a javelin thrown into my chest over and over again.

My job was to simply listen and hug and listen some more.

I was glad to be among my community, and even though I could feel the pain and sadness it was still nice to be able to be there for people and with people.

A comfort of sorts for my bruised heart.

It has been quite a whirlwind of stress these last couple of months!

Fire and rains and mudslides.

I do feel like as the little sprouts of green start to appear on the hillsides across the street, that things are beginning again, regardless if we are all ready. 

I am thankful for that reminder from Mother Nature, as bittersweet as it is.

I remember when my bruises and puncture wounds began to heal on my body; I was sad that there were no longer external signs of the suffering from infertility. 

Instead it was reminding me to be thankful that my body is still powerful and capable of healing.

 In the same way, our hillsides are starting that same process, of healing themselves again. 

That is to be applauded and admired.

Mudslides

*****hard read***death****babies***tragic situations*****

that is not a river, that is the freeway 

The fire, which is still not 100% contained, has left nothing on our surrounding mountains, valleys, canyons and roads. There is no habitat and the animals that are found are badly burned or sick.

and if that is not heartbreaking enough...

Monday night we got our first rain, and in one nearby town they got 8 inches of rain in 15 minutes!

It created a large debris flow (topsoil, dead plants and trees, boulders) and mudslide that has destroyed the quiet community and so far resulted in 16 deaths and over two dozen people still missing, hundreds trapped via inaccessible roads on their roofs and many more injured. 

Airlift evacuations and evacuations via military vehicles and personnel are currently taking place. There are search dogs and search and rescue personnel currently looking for survivors and those who have perished.

Some of these people did not heed the mandatory and voluntary evacuation orders, still ruffled from finally being home after being displaced by the fire only a couple of weeks ago; but the majority of them were in a warning area...which is "a be prepared to leave but we are on watch and wait" kind of order. So they were totally taken off guard. The mud slid at 3:30am- I got an emergency flash flood warning on my phone at 3:40am (even though I am not in the area, it went out like an Amber Alert)

There is one main highway that connects my community to this community and that is covered in mud and debris and it stretches for about 30 miles.

The sound of helicopters once again fills the skies and the photographs are too much to bear.

The video footage is constant and it is a race against time to find the missing.

Although we are all spread out, it is a small community where people know people or have visited their shops or restaurants.

The photos of the missing are heartbreaking and when you recognize someone your heart sinks and regardless of your spiritual belief you start hoping for the best.

None of these people deserved this, no one should have to go through this, regardless of choices made; good or bad.

There was a couple interviewed by news agencies yesterday, both in shock, rescued from the roof of their home, transported by military personnel to a safe spot. They were getting onto their roof when the man heard a baby, he found a baby under four feet of mud, cleared the mud from its mouth and it was helicoptered away (it is expected to survive)...he said he didn't know where it came from.

If he had not been evacuating, he could not have saved it.

I was torn into a million pieces seeing this yesterday, as you can imagine.

I am taking care of myself, unable to go to work or yoga class 

I am in the studio making or trying to make art.

Hoping for more survivors and good stories

all to the background hum of helicopters

hug your loved ones

hug your friends

offer a kind word to a stranger

be kind to yourself

Day 24-The End

91% containment

Nothing will make you feel like more of an adult than dealing with an insurance adjuster. 

The saga has ended now...no more fire helicopters or sirens.

This transition has left me feeling like

I tripped and landed hard into this new reality, suddenly it is all over.

It felt similar when we realized that parenthood was not in our future or lives.

It was a bumpy transition and left me grumpy and relieved and confused.

We have a home, for that I am deeply grateful...and confused still as to how or why our home was spared...but it is time to remove the plastic from all the doors and windows.

The air purifiers are still running, I think now as a security blanket for us.

I finally put the items away that we had taken after coming back on the day after evacuation.

The forgotten precious things:

My wedding ring, a family painting from the 1800's...a photo of our wedding.

This whole process has been scary, humbling and enlightening.  

the hillside across the street as we were evacuating, left and right side obscured by trees
(taken while driving away from our home)

across the street-two days ago

Not only have we been dealing with constant fire and evacuation dreams (I figure this is happening because I was woken from slumber when we got the call to leave immediately)

but The Barren has gotten chest illnesses.

The Barren has been to the walk-in clinic two weekends in a row after since the fire started.

The first visit confirmed walking pneumonia and the second confirmed a secondary bronchial irritation from the smoke and particulates.

We had both been coughing and got stuffy noses after we left...and have been wearing particle masks by day three, but that was not enough to protect us from the constant rain of ash, dust and smoke...

so much smoke.

Now we are to adjust to this new reality.

700 homes lost in our town

so many people have been touched by this fire.

Everyone has a story of the night they had to leave.

I am most touched by the stories that keep coming to light, the good in this town...

the stuff that makes you cry from being so deeply touched in the heart:

* A call went out from a family who lost their home, that they wanted to bring their dog home from the animal evacuation shelter but the fence in the home they were staying in was a little wonky and they didn't have a hammer to fix it. There was someone at their door within ten minutes.

* The fact that donations and volunteers were asked to be halted as there was too much! They had all they could use and then some.

* The firefighters asking to stop giving them food and donations, they had too much

* The local man who didn't know what to do, so he made sifters for people who lost their homes...to help them find precious items that survived

My favorite quote from a local evacuation site for livestock: 

" Don't let that emu out, he is a real asshole and super hard to catch "

Everyone has been gentle with everyone...I see more hugging and listening.

I am finally able to get back to my practice too.

I found that not only had the stress taken a toll on me mentally, but physically.

I was not able to practice as the air quality was horrible for breathing 

and unsafe for teachers to get to the studio.

I was also unable to travel to the town to practice because of the fire activity.

I missed my quiet community of toe touchers.

Home practice is not the same, at least for me...

So here I am trying to adjust, working on readjusting...feeling quiet still

and watching The Barren like a hawk.

I think I will peel a window open today....I am feeling hopeful.

Day 13

my grandmother always said if you feel blue, put on a bright color
She never had to accessorize with a smoke filtering mask

I am currently stress eating popcorn, and sipping CBD tea to stay calm.

We are out of the fires path, and our home is still sealed from outside smoke as the  air purifiers run 24 hours a day.

The air quality will continue to be an issue until we get rain...

which there is no sign of through the month.

This morning the phones started to explode again, this time it is north front; 

where my parents and The Barrens mother lives.

40+ miles from our home.

The police and fire have closed the one freeway that is open to all traffic that is not evacuating.

We have no way to get to my parents or brother and family. 

The Barren has no way to get to his mother.

We are trapped again in a different way.

The Barrens mother would be evacuated first and my parents after that...

this fire has continued to grow to the east and west of us.

Active fire on both sides.

The community to the north of us just had their orders lifted the other day.

A family member from another part of the country asked:

" What does it feel like there? I imagine people are pulling together to help each other, but it must be exhausting"

My response was:

Our town feels sad, the the community has totally come together with pop up relief centers for food water and clothing. The same for the nearby communities.

The community up the coast is ground zero today. The streets are quiet with most people evacuating or packing to prepare to leave at a moments notice. There is also active fire to the East, which is mostly farms and agriculture, so a lot of activity there to get food off the vine and save farms."

I spoke with the few farmers at the outdoor market this morning, and was told again that the field workers were not offered masks to protect themselves from the smoke and ash as they work outside. A friend of of a friend was trying to distribute masks the other day and was kicked out. 

This continues to break my heart and I have been carrying extra masks with me to offer to people I encounter...the homeless community has also been effected deeply in these communites.

We have to look out for those who are overlooked.

Please be extra kind to someone today...

Exhausted

In day 6 of the fires...

We have returned to our home, while our area is still under mandatory evacuation orders. The threat of fire is no longer an issue. The air was cleaner at the time of that decision, from where we had evacuated to. Now every direction has bad air and on some days it has been listed as worse than Beijing.

So...We are home against evacuation orders, but have no cleaner place to go. We have three air purifiers running full blast, have taped up all the windows and some vents and lights, to decrease smoke leaking into the home. The cats are with us and keeping them safe and comfortable is paramount on the list. We feel like cowpokes..

We have electricity, the boil order on our water has been lifted and we are together and working as a united front. 

But boy, I have to admit, I am exhausted. 

I don't sleep all the way through the night, I have dreams about fire overtaking me and my home.

I am worrying about The Barren and his well being, I am worrying about the cats...I wonder how I will be able to get to work next week as the fire is moving in that direction.

I am toasted, stick a fork in me.

Day Three

Midnight Monday we were awoken by reverse 911 calls telling us to flee immediately- do not delay, so we fled with the cats and the clothes on our backs and laptops.

We are the green dot

the yellow is the burn area

the red and orange lines are the evacuation areas.

Sadly as I write this...those lines are being filled in with burn areas

and as of right now, our home is still standing.

but the fire captain just said 

" we are looking at winds where there will be no ability to fight fires"

So tonight we are sleeping together in a room in my MIL home while she is out of town

We will see if our home still stands in the morning, 

after a third wave of blazing out of control wildfires and winds of 70+miles per hour.

We have recovered from the initial shock, we are simply numb and keep saying

it is going to be what it is.

We have zero control of this and that is fine.

We have to be

Happy Birthday Lefty!

5 years ago I took a test that saved my ovary!

I celebrate that day as a new birthday for my ovary ever since.

Today is my left ovaries birthday.

I have had several new cycles with her and she has not decided to grow anything new!

I am thankful for that 

Here is to lefty

formally Quasimodo

I am looking to celebrate many more healthy birthdays with you ⭐

Recap of a moment in time

I made it past so many milestones these last few weeks...

I am amazed at myself.

I am still standing...and I really believe that I can say I am firmly planted.

my view of the crowd and cameras and newspaper people

I survived the speaking engagement, turns out it was me and two museum directors!

No other artists on the panel, so I indeed offered a unique perspective.

It was an extra credit kind of thing, so the people who were not looking at their phones the whole time were kind of listening. I had super prepared and was quoted in the school paper complete with some unflattering photos:

The Barreness, a photographer and printmaker shared her experience with rejection, but she describes having her work accepted as magical and validating “Rejection is a massive part of the career, “Be stubborn about your goals and flexible about your methods.”She advises to learn how to do everything— to understand what’s being made in the community, to go to art galleries and read books."

So that happened and is past me. The Barren surprised me and came to the event, and sat across the hall opposite of me, so he could give me ques about speaking up and cheer me on. I was beyond touched and felt so very loved and supported and surprised. 

Next was my miscarriage anniversary, and I was quiet most of the day, but I felt stronger than years past, although it might not of appeared that way from the outside. A few people mentioned just how exhausted I looked. The Barren checked in with me a couple of times, and made a suggestion that to better live with the day, maybe I should consider treating it differently; think of it differently. Instead of mourning the loss, think of it more like a journey, or the start of one. Our little star child was released to be whomever they were meant to be with us and it created the magic that allows them to whisper in our ears when our heart is heavy or come to us in our dreams when I need to imagine what they might have looked like... As a reassurance of them always being with us. 

I am working on that....but I can see the long-term benefit of it. 

A healthier heart and lighter soul, for us all.

**********************************************************************

Then there was Halloween and a chance to dress up as a longtime hero:

Guerrilla Girl

                   Considering I am allergic to latex this was an act of bravery and admiration!                                                   I loved slipping into this persona and feeling strong and smarter than normal and ready to take on the world!

We made dinner and turned off the porch lights and binged watched Stranger Things season 2...it was the perfect Halloween, there was even rowdy teenagers outside looking for trouble and candy and tummy-aches.

Then our wedding anniversary! 

Whew...25years together and 15 married...crazy crazy and ooooh so thankful and grateful and wonderful. My heart is beyond full when I think of the The Barren. He is truly a match made in heaven for me. He got me a crystal ball, so I could see our long and happy lives 💖 I mean REALLY!!

Now I am left to wonder what the rest of the year holds...I am beyond most of the timelines and deadlines...so really in a free-fall again to make any kind of art I want. I am also scrambling to make some cash, I have made crafty things, placed affordable art in some gallery spaces...hoping hard that someone wants to shop and become an art collector.  I can say that although things are dry it is not from lack of trying.  I am firmly planted now...Just fine tuning and growing.

Can you speak up please....

So I am about to do something WAY OUTSIDE my wheelhouse.

WAY OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE

I have been asked to be a panel member to speak to artists in college.

It is part of the career services department and they asked me over a month ago.

I said yes thinking that I would freak out less as time passed and it would all be ok.

I sent an email last week confirming that it was still a go (half thinking it would be canceled)

but instead I go the response that yes it is still happening and in fact I was on a panel of four people addressing something like 60+ students!

okay...

who are the other artists on the panel I wondered as I read the email...

oh, you are the only artist.

the other 3 people are two gallery directors and a Whitney Biannual recipient.

When I read this, I began to cry and then proceeded to spiral into a full blown panic attack!

They couldn't find anyone else!!!

Thankfully, even though The Barren was on the other side of the country for work, after he stopped laughing after learning the news, he was able to walk me off the ledge and get me to laugh too.

I am speaking about my everyday as an artist sitting next to the very people who judge and jury my work. I offer a unique perspective to the scenario....

I am crazy scared that my words will be hard to find, and fumbled when spoken.

I want to sound cool and collected and honest.

I then freaked out about the mop that is growing out of the top of my head-vanity

...I will be attending this event after morning yoga, then a full day of work!

I am getting a haircut tomorrow in hopes to shock it into submission for at least 48 hours.

The Barren will not be able to be there, and I have not told anyone that I am doing this.

Mostly because I am not sure knowingly having someone there, might not calm me down.

My freak flag is about to fly....

I am nervous but in my heart of hearts I know I can put on a mask of calm 

and ideally speak clearly and in a helpful manner. 

It is real

I am an artist

I can not not support myself on my art alone, but not from lack of trying

but that doesn't stop me from making art...

as it is the only way I know how to connect and understand the world around me.

Okay, haircut, clean clothes

tic tacs, deep breathing and don't trip!

Mantra: speak slowly, honestly and gracefully

and laugh, because really this is a first world problem and although it is scary it will not kill you!

Beer and Cowgirl boots

It is that time of year again.

Check in on my uterus and ovaries, 

make sure they don't have any new hitchhikers.

I travel to a nearby town to check into the local hospital to 

have my pelvic ultrasounds.

I have found a great tech, that tells me what she sees before I get my results.

I take her observations as a no need to panic foreshadowing.

I spent too many years worrying after the exam whilst waiting for results.

So I found a person who will tell me if she see changes or give me a heads up.

She is awesome that way and has a similar fibroid and cyst situation.

We are in a sisterhood like that.

She offers respect and compassion that I seek on this crazy reproductive journey.

Today she told me a story of a client that came in last week for a pelvic ultrasound:

A woman came in kind of drunk she said....

she was wearing a skirt and cowgirl boots.

She told the tech that she was a little drunk that she choose to drink some beers 

for her 30oz of clear fluid to prep for the pelvic ultrasound.

(I giggled and wondered why I never had thought of that, that makes for a personal party out of a sucky medical exam.)

After the external ultrasound, she emptied her bladder and hoped back onto the exam table in a hospital gown and her boots.

The tech thought, OK I guess this is how she rolls.

As she was performing the internal portion of the exam she proclaims to the tech:

"you know my husband always wants me to keep my boots on, and I always say no....

 But for you I kept them on! "

Ahhhh the clarity of alcohol

and a vaginal probe

The ugly bathroom

fancy wear

The Barren and I attended a wedding recently. It was for one of his coworkers and it was one of those events where you know no one but the groom and have met the bride once or twice before and when you did you were slightly drunk....

and distracted.

The groom comes from a wealthy family...the kind that lives in those houses that you drive by and think what does it look like in that house?!

We dressed in our best fancy clothes and attended the backyard (of an ESTATE) wedding.

Guests were gathering in the living room before the backyard was opened and I was looking at family photos when I noticed the grooms parents had photos with people

like MARGRET THATCHER and BARBARA BUSH and stuff....

We were the country mice in the big city.

I complimented, who I thought was the father of the groom, on the beautiful etchings that were on display and was told that was the uncle of the groom....

so I didn't feel awkward or anything. 

I headed to the toilet before the backyard was opened and could not stop laughing....

the fancy house had an ugly bathroom!

Padded fabric walls in green fleur toile!!

This is what made these very fancy people real...

this made me feel relieved, reassured and entertained.

I am wearing my grandmothers belt, yes that is a HUGE lion buckle

The Barren calls it my big pussy belt.

I can do that

We were so freaked out to be on our best behavior and proper but after we saw this bathroom our guards came down and we relaxed a little.

We sat in the backyard before the ceremony and drank a drink or two and played corn-hole 

(where that name comes from I don't know....)

then the very sweet ceremony and we were off to catered reception.

The bride and groom are SERIOUS dance floor party animals and The Barren and I left for home before the cake was cut...I hadn't had anything but a couple carrots and celery (nothing else was vegan friendly) and The Barren had earned passenger status and was fed....

We felt like outsiders, invited outsiders, but it made us feel old and strange.

We were honored to attend and witness a sweet vow exchange and when the talk all turned to babies

as it does at weddings...we looked at each other and said "I hope their home is filled with babies"

then kissed each other and drank another drink.

Triggered

" I can not imagine what these people are going through. 

It is mostly the packers on the floor, almost all women"

A dear friend has organized a shipment to her company's packing plant just outside Houston.

She put a call out for supplies and she would ship them tomorrow.

So a bunch of us have gathered things and

 have been dropping them off at her door, since last night.

I went out this morning and got two huge bags of supplies.

Soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, pads, baby wipes, dog leashes and harnesses, and socks.

I felt a deep trigger when I grabbed multiple packs of little kid and baby socks.

I almost didn't include them but then let the sorrow wash over me and went deeper and 

thought of the parents that just want dry socks on their kids feet.

Natural disasters like the ones we are experiencing are hard to process.

They leave us feeling so fragile and helpless.

I made a donation to a local animal shelter too...so many animals have been impacted too!

Then there is the flooding in India and Nepal and I am lost again.

I sent a text to The Barren:

" I feel so emotionally spent, I need to calm down and focus "

So, I came here.

I feel like a puddle of myself.

How do you process so much grief around you and inside yourself as well?

Pride in the journey

So The Barren is growing in his grief...he is learning to identify his triggers.

That is HUGE

He was at work learning some new stuff for his current role and a new parent was talking about how thankful they were to have some time off work and it was supported by the employer.

I got a text message saying:

" HR was talking about paid family leave and out of nowhere I find myself about to break down...doing OK now, but it was touch and go for a moment"

After work he met with him mom and they were chatting and she started to ask about all our friends with kids and how we must hang out with them and play with their kids...

He spoke up and said, you know we often need to protect ourselves from our triggers and make sure we are alright with going to an event or party. We often skip them so that we can relax and enjoy our afternoon too. He told her about the event earlier in the day.

She was flustered, and out of no where asked if we were thinking about adoption.

to which The Barren said NO

He thinks she was not sure how to deal with suddenly witnessing his grief 

...I think she just needed to get a question off her chest.

Regardless, I am beyond proud of him and his new ability to speak up about things that trigger his sorrow and memories. He is making progress and that is to be applauded.

Yoga anniversary

Ok, So I try REALLY HARD to not evangelize yoga....
I never want to sound like this....but it is funny as all hell

This last week I celebrated my 4th yogaiversary
I have been going to yoga three to four times a week for four years now!
It is the longest I have ever participated in an activity and still want to go.
This is amazing to me.

what!? are those muscles!!!
extended side angle with a double bind

I started yoga because a couple ladies I know wanted to try it
...I am the only one practicing.

When I began I was just out of my stage 4 endo diagnosis and wanted to find a way to start and reclaim my body back. I was in incredible pain from my cycles
and my back was weak and I felt broken
...just totally broken.

I started to see a difference in the first three months, I was able to mange cycle pain better.
I learned how to breathe more effectively and move my body.
I can manage stress (physical and emotional) better.

I am stronger and feel like I am in control of my body again
I can't do everything I want YET in class,
as I am still figuring out what my endo has seized up and what I can work through
...and what I can mentally believe I can do;
because it really is an exercise of the ego.

I can look at myself in the mirror while practicing,
but I will never be a front row person and I am ok with that.
I can practice next to a visually pregnant woman and not cry or focus on my loss.
I continue to do yoga in strange places at home (like above) and in public places where when I feel stress I do "lions breath" and make The Barren laugh.
I know my tummy will never be flat, no matter how many situps and how much food I restrict,
I carry the visual reminder of my losses in my belly, presenting at 10weeks forever.
I am embracing that too.

I thank my body after every class for being able to heal and move and breathe.
I like feeling strong
I am pretty proud of me right now and I simply wanted to mark this with a post.
I am tooting my own horn
and that is OK too sometimes

Triangle Goddess

extended triangle

The triangle that points downward is one of the oldest symbols of the divine power of the female. It is an ancient symbol that represents the genitalia of a goddess. The triangle is connected to the number three which can represent true wisdom. 

I have explored photographing my practice at home, to see how my form is and compare it to that of instruction online and then practice in class. Instagram is amazing as a yoga resource! This pose has always been one of my favorites and after looking up the meaning, I was happy to see that even unconsciously I am moving in the right direction.

Celebrating the divine within me