I have a problem

* I ramble again but I think you can find some enjoyment 

amongst the words and photos*

OK it started with this dress...

well actually this one:

same style but with a different flower pattern

I got these off an online bidding site...I had to alter the darker ones sleeves, as I have broad shoulders and so the little elastic bands in the sleeves drove me nuts, so I removed them and now the sleeves don't pucker and make wearing it a bit more comfy.

Then I got the butterfly dress...and I mean how could I not get a dress with butterflies on it?! and it was not overtly "girlie" and an olive color works well with my pale, pale skin.

Turns out those little sleeves were cut into my arms just above the pits...so I took them off and re-hemmed making it a sleeveless number. It has a PLUNGING neckline, which is new for me, but it arrived quickly and was timed perfectly as I had just gotten

 my annual mammo and breast ultrasound and got word all looks good, so I looked at it as a great way to celebrate that I get to keep my breasts for another year.

Last couple of years have been hard watching and learning that so many of my girlfriends were loosing their breasts and lives to breast cancer, so the annual mammo has caused me rethink how I look at my annual exam. Once that letter comes that all is good, it is a celebration of breasts.

Then a series of babies were/are expected so I dove back into the sites and got the 

"totally 80's" dress with dolman sleeves.

I most likely would have worn this in Jr. high school had I had my druthers...but being 45 is just as good, plus it fits perfect and I love how it references my art with its graphic contrast design.

Then this last week I found this lovely blue puppy...contrasting patterns and sleeveless design (no sleeves to remove or struggle with), it was easy to see that I needed to add this one to the options.

I tend to buy dresses when I get stressed it seems...or when I am trying to avoid something or when I want to feel something bigger than that moment.

I have been working these last two weeks on a project that is HUGE, and I am doing it in collaboration with three other ladies. It is unpaid for the time being, and there is a lot of work for me to do (in fact I am avoiding some of it now) but the promise of a bright future is there and I am appreciated for the work I am doing. All that said, it is very stressful, and then there was some fun vagina issues that reoccurred and made for another stressful week...and then there is my second job that is always a crap-shoot of stress and tension and new experiences. So I have been under some real tension and that mixed with babies and artwork being made, but not leaving my bossom coupled with The Barren traveling a lot for work and me coming into a thick time of year for the second job...and the home aging and us looking at the reality of needing new appliances and home upgrades to maintain our property value...and gallery season is around the corner....all this grown up stuff sucks, so I retreat into dresses.

I guess it could be worse and I go to cocaine or something.

I took the niece and nephew to get a few things for school this past week too. I had never done this before. Their parents needed a little help this year with clothes and shoes so we were happy to pitch in where we could.
My 8 year old nephew spent a total of 10 minutes shopping before claiming that he was done.
We were able to secure four shirts, two pair of pants, and a pack of socks before he slid under the shirt display and claimed he was hungry.
It was great...he pointed to the pictures in the advertisements of what he wanted, we grabbed them, paid and left to fill his belly with a mall pretzel.
His 11 yr old sister spent the morning making a list of items she wanted to add to her must have list, we walked into the store, she wanted everything she saw and I helped cull the crazed load of clothes to try on...then we came to the training bras...she said she needed another.
WE PICKED OUT A BRA!!!
I sat outside the dressing room trying to digest this milestone and trying to remember how old I was when I got mine. She asked what the padding was for...I told her that sometimes your nipples get really hard when it is a little cold and it feels better to have a little something to protect you from rubbing, she said she understood and said that it was super comfy.

Her main piece of clothing was a pair of denim overalls!
When I heard she wanted a pair, my heart almost exploded and I texted my bestie when she was trying them on....My bestie replied...those genes run deep!
(I wore stripped overalls (train engineer style, through most of college, and still have them tucked in the closet with paint stains well entwined into the fabric)
When she emerged from the dressing room all I heard running through my mind was
"Come on Eileen"

This was her first time out of leggings,
so she was trying to get use to the pants not clinging to her body.
She wanted to live in the outfit...it was awesome to witness her coming into her own self.

I guess we are both going through puberty together
she is entering it and I seem to be rediscovering it.

Still breathing

I am still here, just under a lot of thoughts and projects...

I will post soon, but until then, here is a gem for the start of the week:

wordless Wednesday

I've got loads to say....

but for now, here is a pretty boy and a yoga mat

Little gifts

I was getting my weekly hoard of avocados and stone fruit from farmers market on Saturday.

A quiet moving meditation for me.

It was hot already at 8am, and there was no wind.

so it was kind of muggy too.

I had heard on the news earlier, that the drought is so bad, that we would need significant rain for three years strait to restore the levels back to normal.

I go to the market to get the few gems that our CSA box doesn't provide.

The guy I get my stone fruit from reminds me of 

Jeff Spicoli 

He is really nice and sweet and sells KILLER fruit.

Almost every week there is a different variety of pluot, nectarine or plum to choose from.

I had paid the man for the fruit, and thanked him 

Turned to see a succulent vendor and stood in front of the rows of

pretty little plants all on display for sale.

The market was a buzz all around me...a low murmur of chatter and movement swirling 

on all sides of me....

I was just standing in silence deciding if I was going to get a plant to add to the ones at home, 

or pick up three more avocados.

I decided on two little plants and the man placed them into a little cardboard box, with some free potting soil and information paper on what they were and how to take care of them.

..and was handing me back my change

Just then, a drop

then another, then a crack and the sky split open and poured a waterfall of 

water downward.

People scrambled under vendor tents...

the succulent man was flustered that all his plant information paper was getting wet.

"my wife said, you don't need a tent, it will never rain"

I just stood there, looking up at the sky and smiling, laughing and saying out loud

What a wonderful thing this is

I must have looked mad

A silly smile across m face, drenched in cool raindrops

my shirt and skirt darkened from the new water.

My sandals filled with water and as I slowly walked away it was as though I had my own portable puddle to splash in.

People were huddled under the popup tents and the lady I get my dates from asked if I needed shelter from the rain...I looked at her, water running down my forehead and said

No thanks, it is just water, and it is wonderful to be in it

What a gift rain is

Keep on Trucking

OK

So my last few posts have been heavy and loaded with life crap

I am still in shock but, I finally got some good news

I submitted a portfolio of work that I had hoped :

" demonstrated a professional level of proficiency in the medium"

&

" Work that showed a consistent, well developed artistic vision"

I had waited years to submit to this group, 

they hold very high standards and quite frankly, 

I was intimidated to try until just now.

They are the oldest guild (of their kind) in the US, started in 1912

I had a "what the fuck" moment and submitted.

This year they also allowed online submissions and 

it saved me having to drive several hundred miles to submit my work.

Needless to say I was counting the days as the month grew longer 

and when the email finally arrived I was scared 

but, the first words were kind so I read further 

and it was a congratulations letter!

I told The Barren who in turn wanted to get wasted and hang from the ceiling....

but I was in shock so I told him I only needed a hug.

He was deflated...but gave me a hug.

I am still in disbelief.

I think after all these months of "No Thank Yous"

I am in disbelief that I possessed the ability to make something worthwhile

I finally let The Barren cheer for me and I had a little moment of cheering myself...

I did it.

I also made it through the annual 50,000 mile service update with the doctor.

It was low on drama and I was frank and forthright, and had a list.

I told her quite openly that my relationship with food had dramatically changed, 

and that most meals involve guilt and fear.

I told her that I think about everything I eat on a scale of  

" would the doctor think this was a right choice"

(How twisted is that! I know it is, but it doesn't stop me from thinking it still)

She looked concerned and after asking some basic do you smoke, how much do you drink, are you exercising questions, she tried to assure me that I am doing good, 

that I am in the right BMI (a number I do not believe in) 

and that I should keep on trucking. 

She also diagnosed me with Costochondritis

I have had this for almost a year and aside from feeling like " is this a heart attack?"

and some reassurances from women weightlifters

I was glad to hear that I wasn't in fact imagining it 

and I am NOT having heart attacks.

I had fasted for the appointment and by the time I left, I had to give blood too...

that was an hour of waiting and I was famished when I left...

there was a new vegan cafe I had yet to try 

so I was the first one in the door when they opened at 11am

(I had been up drinking water since 6am to plump up my veins so the vampire wouldn't miss)

 I had their "most popular" sandwich:

a vegan Ruben...after ordering it I wondered if I had made a good choice

mayo-ish stuff, cheeze-ish stuff, sauerkraut

first thing in my tummy for the day...

it looked like this:

watch out tummy here comes what I deem as breakfast

then it looked like this:

after I licked the plate

I wandered home, and did this:

It was a highly productive day

Side Swiped

So it appears to be baby shower season...at least that is what it feels like.

When I got word of the first one, 

I put on my big girl pants, superhero cape and lasso of power 

and quickly said: 

" I can't go"

It felt powerful and right!

I was quite proud of myself.

What was ever cooler was that my SIL 

(who was throwing the party for her sister)

looked at me and said, OK 

and left it at that.

I was super happy that there was no drama

I made time one day and made the baby shower gifts, 

and packed them up way ahead of the event and laid that to rest.

The second shower invite is coming soon, 

I am not going to that one either.

The baby gifts are made and packed away too.

I have told The Barren so that he is well aware that I will be somewhere else,

doing something else.

Hopefully the mother to be will be distracted by her dozens of guests and not 

fixate on me not attending

(like I am that important)

The two mothers to be are very different, 

one got pregnant quickly and with no assistance

the other one, My SIL's sister, spent years trying and 

eventually got pregnant and was on bed rest the whole pregnancy.

When my SIL told me she was pregnant I was so happy fro her, when she said her sister was suffering from morning sickness I said that is great...I was happy for her, she was finally pregnant!

Her shower was to be tomorrow, she was driving my SIL crazy with her vision

of how everything should be. 

(on a side-note, I spoke with my mother and said that I TOTALLY understood this side of the coin. She has sacrificed her body, her finances, her relationship... everything to become a mother

...and now that she is one, she wants everything to be as she imagined it to be. It is her vision of the dream...she is wanting to be the pretty princess from the fairy tale, the happily ever after)

BUT... her water broke today and she is currently in labor.

Shower canceled.

I am finding that thinking about her becoming a mother has side swiped me with a lot of emotions

I thought I was past...or OK with but,

I was crying earlier...hearing in my head

That was suppose to be you

You will never be that woman in labor

you failed

I know that these are The Barreness creeping in with her spells and intoxicating words

I know that some of those things might be true,

but

I did not fail

The idea of this woman becoming a mother is bittersweet.

In my sorrow I texted her other sister, 

who is also infertile from secondary infertility

Just telling her that I was thinking of her, 

as I am sure today is a mixed bag of emotions for her as well

She thanked me for understanding the pain and emotion of the day.

Meanwhile,

The other mother to be is a rockstar, still doing crossfit at 7+month pregnant

feeling great and happy and dealing with everything like well, it is no big deal

She makes it look so easy

aside from her mentioning in conversations that well " because I am pregnant..."

I can even hang out with her and not want to punch myself in the face.

but today...today it might be harder

I know it will pass

and that a good sweat in class will clear this all out of my pores,

but today, today I just want to be 

free enough to feel my independence from these feelings again

and it continues....

After reading another rejection letter today 

I stumbled on this and it made me laugh at myself...

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, hiding from Father's day or celebrating yourselves!

Hope is a new word to embrace

Rejections are part of being an artist.

I know I have mentioned this before, but today I got another one 

and it seems to be a year of just being rejected.

Everything I have applied for, to date, has been rejected.

I know it is not " a reflection on my work"  but instead 

" There were so many beautiful, accomplished and uniquely creative photographs. Unfortunately your work was not chosen for the exhibition, but it was a pleasure to view your work, your accomplishments as a photographer and your dedication to the process of being an artist."

blah blah blah

I didn't use the word hope for almost a year. I didn't type it, write or say it. 

It was a sacred word for so long when we were trying to become parents. I was afraid to use the word casually, or on a whim...like saying the name of a demon or stepping on a crack in the cement. 

As I have started this process of stepping back from my lost dream, I have started to use it again as an empowering word again. I am not afraid to hope for things, 

I am just a bit cautiously optimistic in the 8 year wake of IF pain.

My art has given me a platform to try and use it again...

Every check I write to a gallery to view my work for consideration, 

every hour of research I do on the juror,

every image I review for compatibility for the shows theme or concept;

I pin hope on that last stroke of the key when submitting.

I know that I have tossed caution/fate into the wind. 

Art is subjective and curators/judges often have a vision of the show 

before even seeing any of the work. 

I try to forget about the submission until the week they are due to announce the results.

Even after all these years and all the rejections

It still feels like a kick in the heart when the generic letter arrives

I get sad 

I get mad

I get unsure of my self and my work

I wonder if I am on the right path, the right road or

in the right state of mind.

Somehow, I seem to always pull myself up by my bootstraps 

and write another check for chance, 

for HOPE.

I just keep working towards/for my dream of supporting The Barren and making him a kept man,

and having someone love my work as much as I think it is worth being loved.

Tuesday thoughts....in pictures

How Do You Calculate Your 

Contentment as an Artist?

by Lauren Purje

I throw my hands in the air

I'm walking away

I love my parents.

I am close with them and thankful that they are here.

But sometimes...I don't like what they do

How they make me feel and that more often these days I think about how they will not be here forever.

I got a call from my mother at work this morning:

"Hi I am at the ER with our father. He had me take him here because he couldn't catch his breath"

I asked if I could come and sit with her while she waited with him for test results.

She said yes, so I packed up and left.

I met her in the waiting room and then we went into the bay my father was resting in.

They were waiting on the results of a CT scan to see if he had a blood clot in his lungs.

He was whacked out on Ativan and quite comfy and mellow.

He drives a lot for his job. Often sitting most of the day.

So checking for a blood clot made sense.

He has had a portion of his spine surgically fused due to deterioration and sometimes he swims...but for the most part my father likes to sit, eat really processed food, 

and not do much else if given the opportunity.

He has never been an exerciser, and thanks to pharmaceuticals, he can eat what he wants,
as the medicines do the hard work for him.

I sat and kept my mother company while he slept, the doctor finally came in with the results and said:

we did two EKG's and they are clear

We did blood work that looked for clots in your legs, and that is clear

We did a CT scan and that is clear of clots too

You didn't have a heart attack

so all tests look normal and clear

I think you might have had a panic attack, and I am prescribing a limited amount of pills for you to use when you feel the same symptoms again.

I do recommend that you don't drive long distances alone for the next few days

and I recommend a stress test to make sure all is clear and we have looked at everything.

I want you to run on a tread mill

( I saw my father go from happy to mad)

I asked the doctor if my father was clear to drive as a passenger this weekend for a work related event in a town three hours away, he said 

" Um, he is probably fine, but I would wait until the stress test results come in 

to do anything like that"

My mother was on the phone right away to the doctors office to schedule the test...

My father looked mad, 

I asked him what was going on, what you thinking about:

"I don't want to run"

I smiled and said, " well, that is not an option now"

I picked up the anti-freak out meds, while my mother took him home.

When I met them there, he was acting like nothing had just happened.

My mother was making french toast for him and he was looking at the bottle of pills. 

I told him that they were for easing the same symptoms he had before,
not to be taken for recreational use.

He said he was fine now.

I told him, you can't just shove it off, it was serious enough a moment ago, and that just doesn't go away. You need to take the doctors order seriously.

He said that they were still going on the business weekend away trip. I told him again what the doctor said and he said he was going.

I ate lunch with them (as they ate breakfast) and I said goodbye

I had said what I could, repeated doctors orders

and he probably will be fine if my mother drives...but FUCK

why do the rules not apply to him?!

I drove home and passed out/crashed on the bed for an hour

I still think I have PTSD from when my mother went into the hospital
I canceled plans for tonight and instead am watching TV and working this whole thing out here.

I have to walk away for my own mental health.
I have to realize that he is going to do whatever he damn well pleases and if (heaven forbid) something goes wrong he will blame someone or something other than himself.
I have to understand, I can not make everything OK all the time

Three Glasses...and some salad

**gloomy post***

I'll own it

I stayed at home all day for mother's day

Hiding, avoiding, and not feeding into the day.

I didn't get any calls, or cards or mementos 

I am not a mother after all

I did send cards to a few friends/family members wishing them a happy Mothering day.

It was easier to send the cards this year than it has been in the past.

I got them weeks ahead of time and so it was simply adding a few words of love and a stamp

My mother was home sick, so I didn't have the pressure of visiting her either.

Since then, I have been working slowly on my own work

doing practice as often as I can

fighting off colds/bugs by doing practice and sleeping.

I haven't been thinking about much really these days and I think that is an issue.

I am in a slump

I am fighting comparing myself to others

fighting self worth issues 

and body issues

I bowed out of a few social events recently, just saying I wasn't able to make them

and not going to them seemed easier than trying to pretend to be present.

This last weekend was a social one that I couldn't bow out of.

Starting with a girls dinner at a neighbors place.

I was anxious about going but I put on some mascara and went and played the mantra, 

have fun, relax over and over in my head.

I was relaxed and having fun, until the second group of ladies showed up 

and I realized that there was another full uterus, the hostess being the other.

Then another woman came in glowing and throwing her hand into everyone's face 

saying, hug me I just got engaged.

I looked at a friend and said, I think I'll take that glass of wine now.

She smiled and in my mind the place suddenly filled with pregnant women.

In reality there were two out of 10

As intoxication was reached, I participated in a dress swap and was able to get a lovely 70's disco queen dress that I had admired from a friend and she in exchange was gonna get a dress that was washed and now too short for my taste.

 Then a slow walk home, 

texting The Barren that I was drunk and walking home.

On arrival I fell onto the couch and The Barren arrived soon after, smiling and happy that I was drunk and in an OK mood.

Sunday was another social event, and I was super anxious.

I adore the women from this group but I always have this feeling that I am the fat girl

I get a once over (full body up and down glance) before the hug hello

it sucks!

I am meant to feel like I need to be doing more, making more, exhibiting more, being more aggressive or MORE....

I was the driver for this event, and so I only had a single glass of wine and salad

Socializing was mellow and free flowing but I became self conscience many times over when people asked about what I ate and didn't eat.

I remember saying at one point, I have a strange and treacherous relationship with food now.

I think I said it enough under my breath to avoid additional questions.

It is true though.

I try and enjoy what I eat, constantly making efforts to only eat and make healthy choices but recently most food has some measurement on a self imposed guilt scale. 

I fantasize about eating a chocolate croissant and a cup of black tea with sugar...or a poached egg in a bowl of noodle soup.

Ugh this all just sucks....

I need to find a way to escape this latest encampment in this place....

it isn't black and doom and gloomy

but thick enough to make me stop in my tracks.

Silent reminders

I am a big fan of Frida Kahlo and her work

She was an artist that unlocked my ability to be empathetic with and personally identify with.

I know she is quite a popular iconic image of woman now, but her story is often glossed over or only bits are highlighted. She was a rebel, a poet, an artist and a strong unapologetic woman.
Ones story doesn't need to be the same to be empathetic, it just resonates deep inside.

She contracted polio at the age of 6 and then at the age of 18 was horribly injured in a trolley accident and it left her with life long problems

including infertility.

I  remember seeing her painting in college and thinking I understand this pain...I understand her.

Her work is visceral and heavy and beautiful in expressing pain.

When I started to make work about my infertility, I often sought solace in the work she made. 

Almost like a mentor, a moral support cheerleader

I can be brave like her.

It is on my list to visit her home she shared with Diego Riveria

Every so often there will be an article about the museum finding things in the home, that they never noticed before...

recently they uncovered a whole room of Frida's belongings.

and they are now in museum displays.

It is a beautiful showcase of not only the woman's style, but her desire to decorate herself and her things....marking them as hers. Owning them.

It is eerie, but oh so beautiful

HERE are the best photos I could find of the recent displays

Aches and Pains

I had a pretty crappy nights sleep, 

between being a pillow/couch for the cats (that seem to triple their weight when asleep) 

and a couple night hot flashes it was a rough night.

I felt achy and sore and old.

I sometimes suffer from a ligament thing in my chest, where it feels like the fibers in my chest are being pulled away from my sternum and it makes simply having boobs painful.

This morning was one of those mornings. 4am and the alarm is going off next to the snoring Barren and I sat up and said my morning thank yous for waking up and pulled my butt and sore boobs outta bed, avoiding the bedside table that I have already walked into and gotten in impressive bruise from and the cats on the floor who now have been "activated" into feed me mode and started a new day.

I am trying another new thing...wake up and say thank you.

Start the day with gratitude....regardless of what lays past that in the road for the day....

start with a moment of  "wow, I woke up and I'm not dead today!"

I met with a friend the other day to talk about her ideas for her new business launch and how she would like me to help. She is an all around nutrition, exercise, massage, reiki master kind of gal.

She is re-inventing herself...re-imagining what she wants for this stage of her life.

I was mesmerized and in awe of how clear and sure she was...

I aspire to be clear like that for myself.

I am still treading through some murky waters...

but work every day to clear that fluid of grey matter.

She is tending for her mother who is deep into Alzheimer disease

She is still pleasant and able to have a conversation, she is not able to be alone

My friend has come to a point where she is trying to reclaim some time for herself, in preparation for a long road with a mother who might be around a while but is not aware of who she is at all anymore.

I also got a series of emails from another friend, telling me the horribly sad news of our mutual art  teacher from high school...we all hold him dear in our hearts and he just had a stroke that was triggered by his unknown fatal cancer.

Hospice is with him now and his wife has advocated for him to exit under his conditions.

They are a love story...

One their first date he brought her a corsage

she ate it

he was in love from that moment on

Ironically, someone asked them once why they never had kids, 

apparently they tried but had the RH factor and there was no treatment at the time.

Needless to say, I have had many calls in just as many days with my bestie...she and I were both his students and he is always in conversations still.

The friend that forwarded me the emails sent a sweet note to me that I think sums it up:

" I've had my fill of illness and saying goodbye recently. I'm realizing that 50 is really just the beginning of so many good byes. I treasure you dear friend"

I think we are experiencing growing pains

The aches and pains of reality as we are given this gift of aging.

Reflections on a birthday

I got super emotional in the two days before my birthday. 

Someone texted me asking if I was really excited about my upcoming birthday and I responded with: "I'm in flux, in the middle of some kind of personal change, so I'm emotional and panicky"

Do you ever get that way?

My mom came over the next day, we spent time together just going to thrift shops and chatting.

 It was what I was looking for. 

A day of no real commitments and let my brain run loose.

I was having a REALLY hard time deciding what I wanted to do on the actual day. It seemed to really peeve The Barren and my parents, who clearly wanted some guidance on the matter.

I just was too spun mentally...but wanted to make a decision about it.

I even got a rejection letter that day and it left me un-phased

My black and white cat served as a therapy cat for her, she recently lost her beloved male cat and finds spending time with mine comforting. 

My kitty is glad to oblige, especially when brushing is involved:

She was still hanging out when I decided I would make my own birthday cake.

On my actual birthday, I made myself a crazy vegan cake, 

and invited nearby friends to come and share in the sugar!

recipe here

IT WAS AMAZING
Vanilla cake (I added orange zest) and vanilla frosting

My bestie sent me a little love package and it made me laugh!

Copper colored wooden clogs!

with a divot for my big toe

Fancy Smancy

I put on a fancy new dress I got just for my birthday, 

and greeted peeps as they arrived.

Everyone got cake and ice cream 

My parents parked themselves on the couch and didn't move for 5 hours!

It was strange at times, and quiet and I reminded me of a proper Victorian sitting room where everyone sits in their own chairs and has conversations in a circle...each waiting for their turn.

hahah

very proper...

When the friends fanned out, my brother arrived with his wife and kids and we all left for a restaurant that could seat 9 easily...it was outdoors and I got to watch the sunset display beautiful colors between the clouds and sky.

My nephew then provided dinner entertainment as he is just barely aware of the power of appendages and spilled the first two glasses of lemonade that were brought to the table.

Later in the evening while explaining something else, he knocked over 6 glasses at one time soaking his baby sister at the end of the table in ice cubes and ice tea.

This second act, had me laughing so hard...the best part was that he said:

"wow that was almost like dominoes"

I agreed and continued to laugh

I think I was the only one that saw the humor in his loosey goosey arms...

He took out well made plans, 

He upset the order of things

and left me laughing

I loved it!

Life is like that.

Eve'of

This is the eve of my 45th birthday.

What an amazing gift this is!

I have made it this far,

although it has not always been smooth sailing

I have made great efforts to see past pain, 

figure out how to better myself, 

how to give more, 

how to be more compassionate and empathetic.

I am thankful that:

My body has carried me across paths I hadn't planned to take, 

my lungs have provided enough air to cry and laugh.

My eyes have given me vision to distance myself or move closer.

My voice has always been there to speak up. 

I look forward to seeing new amazing sites

Feeling deep, lovely new feelings

Smiling a lot easier

and sleeping more peacefully.

I am here, and on the edge of great new possibilities for myself

funny for today

Niece

My niece just celebrated her 11th birthday!

I think I am still in shock

*Sigh*

I remember rushing the the hospital when my SIL was in labor and thinking, maybe I will be here next, tucked away in a labor and delivery room while everyone else waits on our child's arrival.

We had her little brother over the night before the party, for an overnight and a marathon session of Minecraft with his uncle. We ate and gamed and then loaded him into the car for the party...working hard to keep him awake along the 45minute drive home.

My niece had only a few friends over, although she invited her entire class of 30+ kids, only 9 or so said they'd come. It ended up being a good small party where she was not so overwhelmed that she could be social with everyone, including the two boys that came. 

I introduced myself to every kid as the birthday girls Auntie 

which seemed to make them all feel at ease.

It was a 50's theme and I took photos 

 Since all these kids grew up around camera phones, no one had an issue having their photo taken, or their activities documented.

Most of them posed anytime the camera was anywhere near my face.

In fact, they were so relaxed that when they had a trivia question, they asked me first:

Was Michael Jackson's music popular in the 50's?

I held it together and explained that he wasn't, and that he didn't start singing until the 60's with his brothers in the Jackson Five. 

No one danced but it was a social peek into the mind and body language of tween.

When it was time for pin the tail on the donkey, my niece did a clothing change and came out in her skinny jeans, mini heels and tank top, still sporting her eye liner and lipstick that her mom applied earlier. My brother and hubby took a deep sigh, as this was the moment when she started looking like a teenager, a heartbreak, someone they need to worry about, someone who was suddenly becoming themselves, or trying to.

I remember 11, I was beyond awkward. Self-assured, but shaky in my convictions.

Not this lady....she is sturdy in her beliefs and self.

When it was time to have cake she posed with her cupcakes and kids descended on them like they hadn't just eaten the hamburgers and french fries and milkshakes my brother and SIL had just fed them. I have been given the great pleasure of making the birthday cakes for all of my brothers kids. Since birth!

I explained to them that I would not be able to make cakes for my own kids and that this would give me so much pleasure....and save them cash...so whether it is one dozen cupcakes or four dozen cupcakes I am your girl! Plus I also make a personal cake for the birthday kid, to do with what they wish. When the kids were little little they were able to put their fist in the cake or face in the cake and enjoy it in their own way, while their guest could enjoy a booger free cupcake of their own. 

Free from cooties and saliva.

My nieces cake was presented on an vinyl album, and made to look like a record.

Her request, and the cake was chochochocholate, with chocolate chips inside the cake.

She tore it apart and ate it with a fork, but the pleasure was in dismantling it as she saw fit.

She is 11 now, and it feels like time is speeding up

Maybe it is that I am more present, or she is more mature 

either way, 

I just hope she can always be true to herself, 

and talk openly with me when she needs something 

big or small, like what she wants next years cake to look like.

Women of a certain age

My birthday is around the corner and while speaking to my mother, 

I expressed that I had no problem with my age. 

I explained that in my mind, this milestone number 

will release me from all sorts of things...

but mostly THE PEP TALK statement 

" there is still time to try and have kids, don't give up!"

I am done with people telling me to not give up, keep trying

and that there is still time.

I am actually feeling kind of soapboxy about it lately.

 I've spent years waiting, trying and watching life go by 

as I pinned my hopes on something that wasn't going to happen.

Actually now is the time to LIVE

I don't want to give up on me, on us, on what we still have left!

My mother seemed a little emotional about my revolutionary call to arms. 

I see her watch me ever so closely when I have a little rant or rave. 

I have done this since I was a child...but not until recently was I ever really heard 

( that took loads of therapy to figure out)

So when I see her watch me, I see her witnessing her reality of time 

and how long ago she was 

a young (she was 22 when I came into being) mom 

and all the hopes and dreams she had for me.

She declared " this is quite a milestone for you then isn't it"

I changed the subject, as I didn't want her to become a puddle of tears.

We then talked about our daily practice of our power poses, was she doing her "wonder woman"?

We had seen a TED talk together all about changing your mindset by simply holding these power poses for 2-5 minutes a day or before a big stressful event.

I have been trying to "re-educate" my mother on her feminist theory as it seems to be slipping away as she ages. Reminding her that she still possesses power and a valid voice.

I told her I had come across

a photo of myself that my grandmother had, that had me in this same pose.

I have been holding this pose for decades, 

I was meant to be strong

resourceful

powerful and brave!

I am going to be a 45 year old woman!

who still wants to be Wonder Woman

Grow a pair

Source

In the mornings that I practice, I usually arrive early so that I can clear my mind and warm up with the room to a toasty 100* of so.

I usually lie on my back, and crack it by swinging my legs to the right and left, keeping my shoulders on the floor...it feels really good first thing in the morning.

Once cracked and adjusted back into line I lay with my hands on my ovaries.

Almost like I am protecting them, or shielding them from outside elements.

At first it was a motion I did without thought, involuntarily.

One morning, while settling in, I realized what I was doing and wondered why?

Was it from the years of poking them?

The years of requiring them to preform for us?

The years of extreme pain they caused me, like I was trying to get them to

 "relax and settle down there cowgirls!"

I don't have an answer for it.

 But... while browsing the vast information highway of the internets 

I stumbled on these fine ladies

I felt inspired and proud to see these modern revolutionary feminists!

After reading their mission statement and vision I was smiling.

Womyn making change in the world

**applause**

I will now rethink the power of my ovaries, 

they are mighty

that are big 

and I don't need no fucking balls!

It is the weekend...make these

I have been battling a serious sweet tooth, which has me eating pasta and craving sweets...so I found a recipe that I thought I would try....let's just say I have made them twice now...

OMG, 

like having the most sparkly, magical, decedent, wonderful thing

 sitting on your kitchen counter!

I have been searching for an easy go to dessert to make when fruit or frozen banana "ice cream" just won't cut it. 

I tried a faux cheese cake and used like $15 in nuts and it just gave me a stomach ache....

then I found a recipe on Hell Yeah it's vegan and... 

JUST MAKE THEM!!!

You'll never know they were vegan....really, honest, truly...for reals!

Molasses Chocolate Chip Cookies Author: Claryn 

Ingredients:

 ¾ c + 2 Tbsp granulated sugar 

7 Tbsp vegan butter, softened 

3 Tbsp blackstrap molasses 

½ tsp vanilla extract 

¾ c bread flour 

½ c all­ purpose flour 

1 Tbsp cocoa powder 

1 tsp cinnamon 

½ tsp ground cloves ½ tsp ground ginger ½ tsp baking soda ½ tsp baking powder 

¼ tsp salt 

¾ c vegan chocolate chips 

Instructions 1. Preheat oven to 350F. 2. In a large bowl, cream together sugar, vegan butter, and molasses. 3. Beat in vanilla extract. 4. In a small bowl, sift together flours, cocoa, spices, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. 5. Beat flour mixture into sugar mixture. The dough will be stiff. 6. Fold in chocolate chips. 7. Form dough into 2" balls and bake on a silicone baking mat or cookie sheet lined with parchment paper, 3" apart, for 8­10 minutes. 8. Allow to cool on cookie sheet 2-­3 minutes before transferring to cooling racks or counter. 9. Best enjoyed warm. 

Notes I bake mine for the minimum time because I love soft­baked centers; the longer time will yield crunchier cookies. Recipe by Hell Yeah It's Vegan! 

Really....

I saw this in the morning news stroll I do and it made me laugh out loud!

http://ktla.com/2015/04/15/mom-receives-angry-letter-from-friends-fed-up-with-constant-facebook-posts-about-her-baby/

Kitty Cats View

Exciting day of window watching today, 

new slurry being poured

Mementos of a weekend

Our first Sedar

I made it through! 

We made all the food in time, and was able to stuff the bellies of my parents with yummy food that was different and delicious.

The Barren made it home in time to cook the meat and fire up the BBQ for the fish and bones.

We worked together and made it happen.

My mother was beyond touched that I wanted her to do NOTHING but sit and enjoy a hot meal, 

my father got super emotional stating that he was deeply touched that The Barren embraced the rituals from day one with not an ounce of hesitation or question.

It was an emotional dinner

My table was set with dishes that we only use every once in a blue moon, because I love them so much, and we are like bears in the kitchen and break so many things. The candlesticks belonged to my great grandmother. They remind me of the Minoan snake goddess, and that makes me love them even more.  The tablecloth and napkins belonged to my grandmother, complete with stains from meals past. The matzo cover belonged to The Barrens grandmother, I am pretty sure it was not designed to be a matzo cover, but it is now and I am sure she is happy about it. The crocheted doilies were made by an adopted grandmother in Slovakia, as a wedding gift to us. 

It felt like I was calling all these loved ladies to the table to eat with us.

Have a hot Passover meal, put your feet up and let me spoil you.

This time of year

I decided when my mother asked if we could come over for a last minute holiday dinner that we would host the second night of the holiday at our home. Just the parents and The Barren and myself.

It will be the first time I have done this and frankly, it is exciting and scary and a little sad.

I have spent the last two days planning the meal and making accommodations for food preferences and restrictions and flavors.

I spent a good portion of last night and today going from shop to shop looking for very specific foods and goods, and have found that we do not live in a neighborhood that caters to a wide variety of ethnic goods.

I have brought it all home and put it in the fridge, and checked off all the items of the lists I made.

I am now making a timeline so that I know what to make when and time it all so that I can sit and enjoy the meal with the parents, instead of what my mother usually does which is sit for 30 seconds and then jump up to start the next item....never really engaging in conversation or being present.

All these years I was asked to do the same, so by the time the last member at the table got their dish of food, I was up with my mother/grandmother and readying the next course.

Sitting only for a moment to eat cooled soup.

I am gonna do it different.

I am the next generation, the one that has witnessed this ritual for 40+ years and wondered why gather all these people if you can't sit and talk with them.

I am not adhering to the strictest of the laws, or making sure EVERYTHING is specially made for the holiday. Instead I am making everything from scratch, with love and care and thought.

I think that is the most important part.

While I prepare for this meal and evening, I think about my grandparents and the grandparents before them, I think about the children that are not here to talk to about the holiday and 

why my we makes a big deal out of it. 

I think about how big the table of people use to be and how small it is now.

It is a strange sensation.

I am taking great pride in hosting this and carrying on a generations old tradition, yet, I am also

holding in secret, the sorrow in my heart for those that are not here.

Introspection

“Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.” 
― Tyler Knott Gregson

This was the quote read to us prior to practice.

it resonated with me

Hunger

So a few things have been happening, but ever so slowly.

I am currently in a two person show, the opening seemed quiet, and funky...

but my work is out there and ideally will catch someones eye.

I never want to bring home the same number of works that I took to the gallery.

Openings are usually the best chance in a show to sell work.

I got dressed up for the opening, it was hot for this time of the year...in the 80's and the atelier has no windows so that added to the heat index (lights, nerves and people in a small space)

I took a bus to the event as The Barren was meeting me there and we were gonna make a date of it afterwards. I was a little nervous and although there is no LOGICAL reason to be nervous,
 I still am every time.

I had a glass of wine beforehand, on an empty-ish tummy...and talked it out with The Barren.

While I walked to the studio, as The Barren was settling the tab, I noticed my name on a phone pole!

My image was on every pole within three blocks of the studio, I had never experienced this before:

it was like cool billboards- in mini form.

The gallery owner had done this.

How did I get this two person show?

There was an email sent out to an art group I am part of asking for artists to submit framed work for consideration if it fell into a particular theme.

I submitted and through some painfully awkward exchanges my work was selected.

When I asked the gallery owner why she chose my work she said:

" well it was you and this other artist and she made mushy colored stuff...so I picked yours"

Family and some friends attended and I am thankful for that as the evening rolled along slowly, and I was thankful for the lighthearted conversations and hugs.
My tummy was gurgling the whole time, the gallery had provided wine and a box of crackers....
I don't know about you, but I have learned that when you are eating at a public place, fingers and hands are dirty...and I was not going to eat from a bowl of booger fingered crackers.
grossss
I answered a lot of questions about process and materials and met a lot of people...all in all it was mellow and there was no reason to be concerned.
The Barren was patient and someone even asked him if he was Mr. Barreness...it was funny to hear my name used as his. He graciously answered yes.

I was quite hungry when the show time was over and
we decided to go to a public market and get some grub and grog there:

brew and Asian food

I was ravenous and we ended up getting noodles and it was perfect,
but really, I could have eaten a bathtub full of them by the time we sat down to eat....

It has been a slow start to the year for me.
I have been reflecting on it and quite frankly funds are a major part of not putting so much out there. Framing, shipping, return shipping, entry costs all add up sooooooooo fast.
I have become QUITE picky with what and who I send work to.

I am working slowly on new stuff and I am trying to figure out why I feel like
 wind has been taken out of my sails?!

What is making me so HUNGRY (figuratively) and
why am not feeling full when I find something I enjoy?