Alone with my rants

I think the isolation in starting to get to me.

I am sleepy a lot and not really feeling creative.

I have taken to making more masks. 

I had to stop last month because I made my neck spasm from looking down 

at the sewing machine and ironing board.

© The-Barreness.blogspot.com

When I finally stopped I had made close to 90 masks for family and friends.

This time I am breaking up the parts and so far it has protected my neck.

I am up to about 25

I am hoping to sell some...my other job is non-existent even after installing a remote desktop to try and capture anything that might fall through the cracks.

***

Silly rant to follow

***

I am cleaning/tidying up a lot too.

It seems to have totally fallen onto my shoulders.

I cook 90% of the meals, clean, do laundry and the shopping.

I think it is starting to become too much,

I test the waters every once in a while to see what would happen if I didn't stop in the studio and dinner time arrives...it arrives and then I am asked what I was thinking of making...and then I end up stopping and making and cleaning up dinner.

The Barren has taken to baking bread regularly and often I end up cleaning up after that too.

After dinner my dishes are collected and then I find them stacked on the counter, left for cleaning.

I clean them as I find a full sink in the morning massively distracting...

so I am trying to perform an act of kindness for myself.

I am not going to complain about it as I figure it would only leave to an argument and I don't want that energy in the house.

OK rant over...a rant about silly things!

***

-Second rant-

I went to pick up online orders for groceries yesterday. It was a warm day, and I was SHOCKED by how crowded the beach was, the streets were filled with people.

I mean I guess as Americans, just like all the memes I've seen:

we got tired of the virus, so it simply does not exists anymore.

As a rule follower, I am short circuited, by this.

I see new cases every day in my county, and there was a rise two weeks after Easter, and now I expect there to be another two weeks from now.

People have died locally, and still so so so so many people ignore the request to wear a mask.

It is still "suggested" that you wear one.

***

Onto Uterus news:

I made some gifts for two baby showers that are coming up.

I made them and then made sure to get them out of the house ASAP

I didn't mind making the burp cloths and printed onesies, 

but my gosh, I could not have them stay here.

Virtual baby showers!

I mean is this a new hell...??!!

I normally do not go to showers...that is my no-go line in the sand, but

The Barren RSVP'd that we would attend a virtual one...so I am going to a baby shower.

OMFG

I am thankful that it is just us in the home.

We have a small place and the idea that a kiddo would be here too pacing and trying to do school and be occupied is a scenario I can not imagine.

So in that regard, yeah for being Barren.

Also my period is 26 days late so far...

Aside from a pandemic, it appears that I have officially kicked open the peri-menopausal door

I feel a little shaky mentally

I am taking everything slowly...and methodically 

I guess I am grieving the loss of what was, and realizing that it will be a long time before I can go to art shows, or galleries or museums.

It will be a long time before things seem like a new normal.

Maybe it will never be a new normal.

I am just kind of lost for an anchor of okay.

My yoga studio is moving to streaming classes next week...

that might be closer to like being social kind of...

it all feels off.

I do hope you are all feeling less lost and shaky.

Half a century

I chickened out and stayed away from my parents home.

It broke my heart, but I understand that even if we never got near each other it was a risk I was not willing to take in their health or ours.

So I had a Facetime call with them followed by a zoom call with some friends.

I had sent out invitations to join the call and half way through got self conscience and stopped emailing peeps and then with the gentle nudge of The Barren, 

I sent it out like a crazy shotgun blast to a bunch of people.

Everyone said they would attend and then I freaked out again....

but like parties of the past, not everyone showed up, which was fine.

I did my hair and wore something other than a sweatshirt...and had a pre-meeting freak-out about how everyone was going to be looking at me and I suddenly looked like a tired old woman.

I moved the ipad and swallowed my pride and got on camera.

It was lovely..and SUPER SURREAL!!

I offered my homemade cupcakes to the crowd...

my brother had made a snack tray and had nibbles on camera at his home, 

a neighbor couple wore green mustaches, 

another couple of people had glasses of wine, a cousin showed off her new baby chicks. 

We took tours of each others living rooms and yards.

Then something absolutely humbling happened....

everyone started to show off artwork they had of mine.

I was floored and so deeply touched!

I mean really touched and humbled.

Someone suggested they sing happy birthday 

and the song sounded like it was being sung in a round...which was super funny.

When the call ended I took a shower and fell into a nap!

Two days later I got a gift delivered from a painter friend.

I had sat for her in 2013 while she explored options for a portrait project.

She gifted me the study she did of me.

It is a good likeness of me and I sent a photo of me next to the painting to her 

and she posted it on social media.

I feel like I need a manor home to hang a portrait of myself, it seems very Georgian.

Today I received another gift from another painter friend of poppies.

She said that I came into her mind when she was making it and felt I should have it.

50 is full of surprises so far

It was not what I thought it would be, or how I thought it would be celebrated.

It felt nice to do something with my hair and "dress up" 

It was fun to make myself a birthday cake

and have a local bakery deliver cupcakes to my parents so we could still do our annual birthday cake for breakfast together (apart)

I could actually feel my heart refueling from the love that was shared with me on my group call.

Never mind the high level of anxiety, I was aware of the feeling and took a moment to feel it all and soak it in.

I am thankful for that!

Normal heartbreak

This is my youngest niece.

She is in first grade and this is her new normal.

I made her mask and never imagined I'd see a photo of her like this.

This is her back yard...I am thankful she has safer outdoor space but this just breaks my heart.

Her teachers and principal did one of those drive through the neighborhood and waving to the kiddos that are all now homeschooling. The teachers miss their students and this is their way to support them and show their love. What a crazy new way of seeing the world.

I have been distracted by making masks and mailing them to loved ones far and wide.

It is replacing my normal birthday karma*, and I am happy to do it and it has been a sense of helping in this whole crazy. I have made close to 80, but that number is about to go up as I am making a new set this weekend.

I am using all my old hoarded fabric from when I use to make kids clothes.

Talk about a cathartic turn.

I am watching these beautiful fabrics shrink as I send every new package out to full families.

* I give gifts to loved ones for my birthday every year, recently it has been a piece of artwork but this year it is masks.

The Barren and I are getting along just fine. 

I am thankful for that and I think it really highlights how we can really make this work for another 150 years together.

My birthday is the 25th and I have decided to make a cupcakes, drive the 40+ miles to my parents home and sit across the street and eat our annual birthday cake for breakfast together, apart.

That is the grand plan, that is what 50 will look like for me.

The Barren has agreed to come with and participate in the cake eating celebration.

I continue to listen to the science and plan on this taking longer than expected and getting scarier.

I continue to be thankful that my family and friends are healthy and following rules.

I am thankful for a lot of this upside down version of life.

I am just taking it one step atta time.

I fell twice in less that two weeks here at home; two good bruised up falls.

 As I move slowly and watch my body heal and ache, 

I am thankful that I am able to heal and have the space to do it slowly.

One was a slip on the tile of the bathroom (the same tile we've had for 20+ years) 

and the second was a trip over my work chair that had me land on my ass.

Twin bruises below my butt and a skipped down the rib-cage and stab into my side bruise,

 thanks to a framed artwork.

Thankful I didn't land on the cat who was right beside me !

Also thankful for the extra padding on my body...

as I was wailing in pain, I started laughing and confused The Barren.

He asked if I was mentally alright...

Through laughter I said, " My fat saved me!" 

So yours truly is shaking off this final year of her forties and in a deep metamorphosis into a 

MOTHER FUCKING BUTTERFLY

in time for my birthday!

Busy time

Snail feeding continues

We are about to finish week three in quarantine:

I survived my cycle, and it was "kind of no big deal" 

and it marked one year off birth control.

I made myself period cookies and charged kisses 

from The Barren if he wanted one.

I got a lot of kisses.

The Barren is working long stressful hours at work, as the learning curve

 for his department is almost 90* straight up...

but there is progress every day.

His company announced that everyone will be working from home 

for the unforeseeable future.

There will be no new hires, no promotions and no wage increases.

Everyone is still employed.

***Good news***

I on the other hand, am still trying to figure out how to make a buck or two.

I want to promote a sale on social media, but I feel guilty about it...and so I seem to find reasons to not do it. Would it be uncool to offer art at discounted prices??

I have not hit the portion of this alone time where I clean like a mad person.

I like the idea but, when I think of doing it, I think I could be doing this other thing instead...

hahahaha

I am not a domestic person, but I have become a full time cook and laundry lady.

I am averaging one trip out of the house a week...

this last week was farmers market and the health food store.

It was surreal and I started to wonder 

Will what we remember of society ever be again?!

I awoke this morning from another strange night of sleep, or a sleep-like night.

My dream was that I was photographing for an architectural firm, starting with taking head-shots

and then moving onto a series of stock images for them...but I kept hearing people whisper about me and how I had dirty clothes on.

I was smiling and keeping it all professional the whole time and then someone said to me, 

"you do know that your shirt is stained in back and that you have blood on the back of your skirt!"

I looked down at my beige mini skirt and turned the fabric around, 

and saw that there was blood oxidizing on it and I was confused.

then I woke up saying

" well that is really disappointing"

So how are you sleeping?!

I think the distance is starting to weigh on me and my heart.

This is the longest I have not seen my parents, or brother since traveling many years ago.

I speak with them daily, and have encouraged them to call via facetime...but a traditional phone call seems most comfortable for them.

I am feeling sad I guess.

I have food, a home, clothes and I am healthy.

My close family is healthy, they are fed and safe.

For all that, I am happy.

I guess my heart hurts a little today.

I am acknowledging it and letting it move through me.

That is the healthy thing to do.

I might watch some more youtube videos of people 

walking though the great museums of Europe 

and wonder if I will ever be able to see them again.

what are you doing in your lockdown?

Meanwhile...

With very few exceptions (one farmers market run, one grocery store)  I have stayed indoors, 

at home since the 15th of March.

My yoga studio has been creating videos so that we can continue to practice at home.

I have been doing classes. I find that I get lazy at home and 

it makes home practice a true challenge for me, 

which is why my practice at a studio was so important.

I am doing classes daily, but they are different and I tend to not push myself.

I continue to be the go-getter for the home. 

The Barren is still employed thankfully, and our kitchen has become his office Monday-Friday.

His whole company went virtual on the 13th at 5pm...which is wonderful because they have offices all over the world. So every office community is now safer because of it.

My job has stopped, as has my income, which was a trickle to begin with...

I have items on EBAY, and Etsy but nothing has moved in a long time.

I am trying to not think about how I have no income

*stay calm*

I am quite emotional today for some reason.

Hubby thinks that the isolation is starting to get to me....

but the real thing that is starting to get to me is the expectations!

I am an artist that now has every hour of the day available to make work, 

meaningful work, important work...and lots of it!

I am not able to focus.

I have work in progress, but I seem unable to turn my attention to it.

All the shows my art was suppose to be in have been cancelled.

I have no venues to show my work in.

* breathing, thankful breathes, to be breathing *

I have two other artist women that text a couple times a week to report on all the work they are doing.

all the paintings they are working on and completing.

How it is like they are preparing for a solo show, work and ideas flowing like rivers!

I scanned a vintage photo from my collection and have drawn it 

over and over and painted it different each time, here are the first two.

I am trying but...I am not a painter

Meanwhile, I am carving little stamps and make hand-stamped postcards for people.

(until the postage I have here at home has run out)

Love bombs, that make me feel a little better imagining my niece getting a card she can color in the mail...or the great-grandma on lock-down getting a little love note from a stranger.

In an effort to escape from myself this morning, I watched YouTube videos of a random person walking through major museums...just to remember what it was like to walk those halls in my past.

I was weepy and wouldn't make eye contact with The Barren.

Favorite quarantine activity:

I have been feeding the snails on my patio and learned that: 

they do not like carrot greens but do love

lettuce, kale and my potted plants.

I hope that this miserable post finds you all healthy

beautifully sane

and maybe still a little hopeful

Pacing and Crying

So last week I woke up and said, I should get a few things in case this changes.

The Barren and I made a list and I headed out to the shop to get what we needed.

It was way way harder than that.

I arrived to a shop that has bulk bins, as we are trying to reduce packaging in our lives.

I was greeted by chaos, and empty shelves and dazed people.

Some were just trying to do their weekly shopping but the others were stock piling!

I stood in line and bought some of the items we were looking for.

I made a second stop at a health food store to pick up some of the other items then came home and took a nap. On waking up I headed to the traditional grocery store to see if there was any dried pasta or sauce...insanity there too, people buying frozen pizza and hungry man tv dinners.

I picked up some fresh produce and pasta....thankfully there were loads of pre-made vegan options available.

The Barren and I went to the Indian market on Saturday and got a bag or rice and lentils and spices.

the owner is a wonderful lady who was OVERWHELMED by people buying ALL the rice.

It is like something from a movie

I went to work (it is myself and my brother) on Sunday to avoid people. 

I asked him how and when were we educated on what to buy in case the world has a pandemic? 

I went out yesterday to get medicine for the cat and pick up eggs for The Barren...

no luck on the eggs.

I awoke from a panic attack this morning and face-timed my brother...

we were both in bed and he showed me my nephew putting together this lego set that he finally was able to get from Christmas (he had to earn it in no attitude and such)

I then called my parents in tears, telling them that if they make bad choices, and end up in the hospital I won't be able to see them.

My father has taken this all as a personal insult and it fighting all real logic with toxic positivity.

He heard my tears and made promises, the last time I did this was when he didn't tell anyone he was having chest pains for a couple days.

I think I screamed at him then ...

So this is the normal here.

Hubby and I are getting along ok, and he is working from the kitchen table and so his ability to walk away from work at the end of the day is harder now...

I hope this weekend we will have some change, maybe a walk outside.

Oh- we are suppose to go to Farmers Market on Saturday morning in hopes to get eggs.

and more fresh veggies.

I am trying to suppress my panic at not making any money right now

 and wondering how I might pay bills...

I don't have to get political to express my disappointment at not knowing what is going on.

Being frustrated that my town doesn't have enough test kits or swabs to test people with.

I keep hearing that our food supply is stable, but just got word from a neighbor who went out that there are empty shelves and no paper products to be had.

The Barren is flirting with a bidet attachment for the toilet now.

I am fine with that.

It feels like I was blindsided by this all...and the more I dip my toe into the news

the more horrible it is, and so so so sad.

This all feels like a movie

I am floating in this horrible movie that I never wanted to see.

I am scared and unsure what to do to make this upturned ship right itself.

I assume we all feel like this though 

and there is a sense of comfort in that too.

kind of

invisible

I see colors when I close my eyes.

I first noticed it in meditation class and it was a wonderful illumination for me.

Ideas flow and colors are beacons of emotions.

No one else can see the colors I see when I close my eyes;

They are invisible to everyone else.

I had a massage last week and mentioned to the therapist that 

I see a particular color when she works on my back.

She made a comment on what a lovely color it was and 

mentioned that another one of her clients, sees gold when she has her feet massaged.

It unfazed her and I was validated and understood.

It was no surprise or a weirdness to her.
*sigh*

I am finding that invisibility seems to be a reoccurring theme as of late.
I feel unseen for the most part...able to pass through the day unnoticed, or forgotten.
When the feeling floods me, I tend to send out love notes to friends.
Either by text or actual cards in the mail.
I send notes of encouragement
notes of love
notes to simply tell a person they are held in high regard
notes of strength to act as floats;hoping to keep your head above water
I send notes that say Hi I am checking in on you

For the most part these are not really acknowledged.
Like my notes become invisible once I drop them into the postbox.

I continue to send them despite the lack of response.
I believe that no matter what, kindness matters.
I send them because I want to, not that I expect a response.
(but isn't it nice to know they found their person?)

The Barren keeps asking what I want to do to celebrate my upcoming birthday.
I turn 50 this year...
a number I am still baffled at, but a number that designates
how many times I have spun around that glorious ball of burning gas in the sky.

I come up empty each time he asks.
Shrinking from embarrassment.
As much as I know how much this frustrates him, I have no ideas.
He keeps asking if I want a party?
I would love a party...but
Honestly, the first thing that comes to mind is " who would come? "
I could invite all those people I send love notes to,
but I am really scared no one would show up.
It would simply highlight how untangled I am among the people I know.

We've thrown parties before where everyone who says they are coming,
 calls the day of the party and tells us they can't make it...
leaving us with a table full of food and us in our PJ's dazed as to what happened.

I continue to try and reach out to people I meet at the yoga studio or in life
but keep coming up "hot potato-ed"

I know this sounds like a pity party...but I am really struggling to crack this code.
What do you do for your birthday if you are without people you spend time with?

My bestie lives a days drive away, and we have hopes to meet somewhere
half-way this year for a weekend girl getaway.
(that is something to be excited about)

I want to help hubby
Maybe if we simply go to a park and set out a picnic,
and if no one shows it would still be a nice day in a park with snacks
and not hurt as much as it feels right now.

Does anyone out there feel invisible?

Middle Aged

While reading a book review, for "Why we can't sleep" that is set to come out soon, 

I was snacking on homemade cookies fresh outta the oven, 

during my:

"don't think too much about food; just eat what you want, 

visit friends, skip yoga and sleep in" 

holiday this week:

"In Why We Can’t Sleep, Calhoun opens up the cultural and political contexts of Gen X’s predicament and offers solutions for how to pull oneself out of the abyss—and keep the next generation of women from falling in. The result is reassuring, empowering, and essential reading for all middle-aged women, and anyone who hopes to understand them."

I looked up and said out loud....

MIDDLE AGED?!

I am not middle aged am I?!!

The words conjure up horrible visions of exhausted, 

frazzed people, 

crying and walking around in a sort of zombie state....

OH DEAR GOODNESS...am I?

Last moon cycle of the decade

I have had my final cycle in this decade...it was early and unremarkable.

 I am a full moon bleeder and thanks to my bestie for pointing it out, a gift from the Goddess!

I had a whole other perspective on it when she said that!

I like to mark time with connections and this December on the full moon I had my period for this last time this decade. that seemed magical or special in some way.

I had vivid dreams about lost loves and mazes...

I moved slowly through the air, and space.

I spent the beginning of November taking family photos for friends that wanted images in time for Christmas cards and kids graduation from school...four weekends of time...four different locations

two toddlers, two teenagers and four adults trying desperately to keep up appearances.

I had fun, but was exhausted

I in fact, was taking photos of the toddler with the name I had picked out for my never to be born baby...that was surreal to say their name so many times...but the more I said it, the less personal it felt. I could feel myself moving farther and farther away from the emotional connection to the name. For that I am thankful and proud 

that I am able to still grow in a healthy way around that hole of hope.

The Barren and I both got a violent stomach thing, that had us on what felt like deaths door...

but we stuck together and got better, 

and I really never want to make soup in the soup-pot I barfed into.

no matter how many times I bleach it.

I had a coffee date with my pelvic ultrasound tech; because although she has seen my vagina and we know each other in a vastly different way, we like each other and it seemed like a natural way to simply connect with another woman. I had a nice time and it was refreshing to have a coffee date and chat about trees and hobbies and giggle a little.

The final exhibition of the year has begun and the art was previewed online two days before the doors opened for the reception...one of my two pieces sold in the first two hours of the preview day! 

I am also the only person selected to have two pieces in the exhibition that is not represented by the gallery...and as thrilling as that is, it is also a lot of pressure to sell the two works and "earn my special place" in the show....so that is a little bit of a mixed bag....

I was invited by the curator, to join a group of fellow women artists ahead of reception for a cocktail and it was amazing! I had such a lovely time, once again hearing funny stories of past loves and wild times. I felt like a grown ass woman and not someone that was coddled or tiptoed around.

One of my longest art friends and painter who is loved locally, attended the cocktail party but not the reception because she did not want to answer the " how are you" question over and over again. She was recovering from major surgery to remove a tumor that was found in her lung. She was diagnosed with lung cancer. (crazy healthy person, non smoker, total surprise) ..and kept it all quiet (continues to) and was kind enough to share it with me before the cocktail hour. She was concerned about ruining my night...I thanked her for trusting me with this and I was thankful that she shared it with me. Her closest painting partner was a train-wreck, wanting to fix and help but being held at arms distance...so I gave her extra hugs and smiles and told her that I was strong enough to carry whatever she needed.

It has been quite a mixed bag as the year winds out, 

I am mostly thankful with moments of darkness...

I am aware of mortality more often than any other time in my life so far.

I am massively in love with my husband...

thankful for my bestie, and family (even though they drive me nuts)

It is my favorite time of year, 

as I rise before the sun and come home as it is setting...

so I get to enjoy the magic of those moments of life.

I was sent this photo the other day....

that brick wall is the wall, that will display three of my large artworks in the new (still to open) hotel

it gave me a little thrill...

and hope that I might be able to do that again!

*****

I hope that you all find a moment of hope, maybe even just for that day

or dream of a whole life with more hope and freedom from sadness

I wish cold nights lead to magical dreams and sweet slumber that soothes your soul

xo

The Barreness

Maintenance

Body Maintenance
I finished all my yearly doctors appointments last week!

then finished the week with my period

Just in time for national period day.

(here in the US)

I am unconsciously themed it seems.

I get white-coat and so I try and make all my appointments at once to sort of
  "pull the band aid off in one fell swoop" 

It kind of works...I am a basket case for the times I have appointments and usually fall into a nap afterwards because it stresses me out so much. 

Eyes and teeth were in September.

Last week was the physical/pap, mammogram, pelvic ultrasound, breast ultrasound, 

flu shot and blood-work.

I found the doctors scale is 7 pounds heavier than the scale at home and so she told me to loose 5 pounds. She tells me every-time to loose five pounds.

"Keep up my healthy lifestyle choices and check in again."

Hormones tested for menopause and they came back normal as well, no signs of the change yet.

All in all good news and all reports point to a healthy body.

My loss anniversary is next week and I have found myself in a mood...
staring a lot, melancholy and simply kind of lost in thought and feelings.
I lack motivation, and drive.
I spend the days that should be productive days in the studio staring and napping.
I try to fill my days with activities; planning grand ideas of what I could do in the course of the day, but instead end up eating ramen and watching movies.
When I am in yoga class I think of all the things I should be doing in the studio and then when I am in the studio I think I should be in yoga class.
In reality I stare at the papers from past entries and print out other opportunities that I end up not submitting to.
Some BIG stuff happened recently,
I got a cover of a magazine
I got into an international art guild
I am having my artwork installed in a new hotel

All really good things...but I still seem blue and unfulfilled.
I am trying to figure that out.

Duck and Cover

Hiding from the world

I work with a sibling, we've worked together for decades...

either at a family business or an outside business run by someone else.

Regardless, we are still siblings and so that dynamic is still very much in play.

Yesterday was a tough one....

we fall on different sides of the spectrum on many issues and we are both strong willed so conversations can get heated but always civil.

Yesterday they arrived and put their soap box down and stepped on about a half an hour after arriving. 

The difference is that I recently have been listening and not commenting back-

firearms was the first topic

then meat

then critiques about how I respond to situations.

When tensions are highest, is when the business is under stress from deadlines 

and family responsibilities outside the office.

Yesterday, I knew was going to be tough because we are understaffed and there are A LOT of orders due...so I usually brush it all off and most things don't stick.

yesterday was an entire 8 hour shift of things being flung at me.

Our parents visited during that time and even commented that the day seemed to be lobbing a lot at me verbally.

I smiled and did not engage still.

When it was time to go, I was TOTALLY spent from holding up my mask of calm.

I got into the car and drove the hour home in silence.

I came home and feed the cat and fell into bed (fully clothed) and burrowed myself under a blanket despite the 80 degree F weather.

I fell into a daze for an hour...mentally housecleaning.

letting things out...letting things go...pulling words and situations off and out of my skin.

I ate a comfort meal of miso and ramen noodles and went to bed.

This morning I was awakened by the cat throwing up 

(most animal companion caretakers can shoot out of bed from a deep sleep to these sounds) 

I decided that today I was going to skip yoga class and simply be kind to me.

My take away was how it made me feel.

I need to tell them that their words hurt me.

That those same words spoken at home would hurt

I adore my sibling...and often we are a great team 

but yesterday was wicked

Today my state (the whole damn state) is on power shutoff notice....

Autumn has arrived.

the poison oak is in bloom and the wind and fire watch is at extreme.

and apparently tempers as well.

If you have gotten this far...

thanks for listening to me

I think you are amazing and kind and good 

Resurface your skin

Thankfully, my unplugging is helping.

Another massive tragedy has hit my town and everyone is reeling and tender.

This came after I was scrolling the local paper for events for the extended weekend and found a mugshot of a man that was often our waiter at a local restaurant. 

In our interactions with him; he was kind, remembered us every-time we visited and had the kind of polite manners I remember we all were suppose to have as kids.

He was arrested for stabbing to death two people he knew. 

I think I am still in total shock about that too.

Then, like a morbid cherry on a fucked sundae, 

 I read about a friend (peer) that I use to work with loosing her husband unexpectedly in his sleep.

I have been doing yoga, 

working in the studio and making meals.

The Barren and I have been spending quiet time together 

and talking about all the scary reality that is hitting us all at the same time.

Parents aging and acting older

What do we want with our lives as we head into older years

Watching kids/nephews/nieces/ godchildren grow

facing responsibilities and taking care of our bodies

it all really sucks

I long for those carefree days of naive bliss

I read somewhere that to help maintain your mental cracks

when you are feeling depressed

overwhelmed and under-prepared

start with thinking about how you want to feel.

It seems quite patronizing but in my mind...I make it into an image.

I imagine a beautiful sun filtered field, butterflies flickering above the tall grass

a soothing breeze and the calm that comes from stepping into that image.

It has been helping me direct the overwhelming feelings into a space I can breathe again in.

I hope that the world has not overtaken you dear warriors

We have been walked over by hopes way too many times already.

Please try and fight to seize the joy that is still yours.

Cracked

This week was the closest I've been to actually having a mental break.

Everything seemed to tumble into me

I was overwhelmed by the news

I was overwhelmed with my life

I was overwhelmed by driving

I was overwhelmed by having to choose what to eat

I was overwhelmed my responsibilities

I was overwhelmed and emotional

I was overwhelmed by the sense of loneliness

I made myself go to yoga on Friday thinking

this is your social moment,

this is what will keep you from floating away.

I had been sitting at home staring at submission screens thinking: why?!

I had gone into work that week

I had made dinner for us that whole week

I had paid bills and did laundry

and then the whole world seemed so big and sad and burning and angry

and upside down and wrong, so so wrong.

I could feel it all and it made me tip

I forced myself out of bed, even though I wanted to spend the day sleeping and under the covers

I functioned but felt empty.

After yoga class

I went home and cried some 

(I don't cry much these days so I thought that was a good sign)

then my mother called and I told her now was not a good time.

(conversations with my parents have shifted as of late and require a lot of emotional strength and effort to simply listen and not try and say much of anything, which seems to go unnoticed)

I showered and got dressed and sat.

The old man cat laid on me like a tiny weighted blanket, checking on me 

as I laid there and stared into nothing.

I slept a little

and then The Barren came home from work

I ate something

and we crawled into bed.

I promised him I'd not look at news anymore

I had attempted to empty my FB account of personal images

leaving my business one with only work

Yesterday I took the news off my phone, 

so no more notices of the next bad and horrible that has happened.

I called senators and congress people and asked them to support important issues

protect our planet and our under-represented people.

I unsubscribed from political emails that I get texts from every hour 

The Barren made me promise to protect myself

I feel sooo much sometimes it is dangerous to my mental health.

so I have been focusing on quieting my mind for a little while

I have been asking myself what else I can do to make a difference as one person.

buy less 

less packing

I have been focusing on the things I am doing

and how it means something.

I am trying

Broken Lines

I have been commenting on blogs, but they never seem to appear on the comments section.

So I read what you are writing and have been leaving comments, 

but for some reason they are falling into the ether.

Please know I am trying, 

I try via anonymous and with the website and google logins...

all voids

So sorry that you are not getting my messages of support and hope and sisterhood.

I needed to say that first and foremost.

One on One time

It seems to have become an annual event.

Every July we get some serious one-on-one time with our closest nephew.

Closest, meaning proximity.

*(there are two other nephews, but their parents and years of no responses to requests or cards...has created a distance in what we had hoped to be a relationship with them.)

ANYWAYS.....

this year was the longest amount of time with our nephew, he was at our place for three nights.

He is 11 and totally into Manga comics and video games and cartoons and KITTENS

Our old man cat wanted nothing to do with his attempts at snuggles or pats...

he chose to spend his time curled under my desk sleeping on the power strip and sulking

 at HIS unwanted company. 

So I suggested that we go to the Humane Society and check out kittens.

I am not sure I totally thought the idea through when it came to my own mental health about seeing touching or interacting with kittens....

I am still quite broken from the loss of our kitty back in February and now the aging cat at home...

I am dealing with a lot of mortality in felines.

We went for half an hour on the first visit because we were meeting Uncle for lunch and and needed to pick up food before seeing him....I thought it would be and easy in and out...

It was easy to get in and out...but I was very standoff-ish with all kitties.

The following day he mentioned he wanted to go back and visit them again....

I figured it would be fine and it took a chunk of time of the day and it made him happy.

We returned and there were twice as many kittens and cats...

9week old kittens, to mature cats...

he wanted to snuggle them all...it made him so happy and smile so big...

I watched him, and offered help when claws were too sharp or wiggles too strong.

This sweet little kitty is the one that made me cry.

As I was handed this kitten, so he could play with another eager soul...

I held it close to my chest and it melted into purrs and I turned away from my nephew...

tears welling in my eyes, feeling the soft fur and rumbles of the purr against my chest.

Before the tears could fall, I told him that my heart hurt and that we should move on to the older cats...or dogs.

He was a little confused but was willing to move onto the next room.

The second visit was all about making sure to see and say hello to every kitten and cat, and then hello to every dog. That sweet little boy even sat with a dog that had a "I'm shy" sign on her kennel for almost a half an hour to make her feel better.

When the time came to leave, he said goodbye to every dog, cat and kitten.

and told me that he felt badly that he could not take them home.

I assured him that what he was feeling was empathy and compassion and that those are really wonderful emotions and that means that you are a loving person and capable of loving other beings.

The next morning I saw that one the kittens he was crazy about was adopted, and shared the news with him, his smile was huge...and he said- that is so great!

He is still to young to volunteer without and adult....but I mentioned it to him and his parents.

I spent three days, all day with my nephew...in the evenings The Barren made sure I took some quiet time for myself before bed.

I was exhausted, the nephew would have active dreams at night and call out waking The Barren and myself. He was fighting with his sisters in his dreams...having things taken by them. He remembers none of the dreams and awoke each morning happy and ready to be entertained.

I loved the time, and tried really hard to give him loads of space and time to just be.

Pool time, puzzle time, reading time, park time, making cookies, we even watched surfers and he declared he wanted to do that too.

I listened to exaggerated stories and claims, I sat and watched cartoons and simply soaked him in.

I introduced him to Bob Marley music and we sang along to Queen songs.

I do hope that he remembers being able to just be himself when he is with us.

I really love being his Auntie

The Letter

"Yoga Goddess, 

I have debated reaching out...but felt it was important for you to know that you have a secret ally in your corner.

I am sorry life is sucking so very badly...

This is not the way you imagined....anything.

I can not imagine what you are going through, but I can empathize as we spent nearly a decade trying to build a family.

When we were trying there was not a lot of resources and still a lot of stigma.

I found this site very helpful for resources and knowledge:

she has organized everything (left side) under topics and it might help in some way.

https://www.stirrup-queens.com

Please forgive me if I have overstepped or made you feel like you haven't thought of this yourself.

I am happy to answer any questions you might have or 

help in anyway you might find you are in need of.

I continue to be a dedicated yogi, and friendly face in the crowd.

Smiles and hopes,

The Barreness "

I was haunted with words of advice for the owner of the studio I practice at when:

 she made the start of her IVF journey public knowledge. 

Then came the public spreadsheet of drug costs 

and 

then came the crowd funding page set up by a friend. 

I was going to tell her that pain does not equate your desire to be a mother.

That simply putting the desire out was enough 

but then I realized that she is most likely getting an earful...so I sent the email above.

She responded soon there after, kindly:

"Thank you so much Barreness this means a lot to me!

I’m proud of you for reaching out, and so happy you did. 

I will definitely check out the site you sent over. 

Love you tons!

Xoxo

Yoga Goddess"

At the end of the day I saw it as a call to action.

It was more important to reach out to a fellow woman in need than

sit and watch how this all unfolded...

Like it was no big deal

So we had an earthquake this morning.

As a native Californian I have ridden a few out.

My mom tells the story that when I was a baby 

there was a really big quake and it rocked me back to sleep in my crib.

I am no stranger to quakes.

In 1990's there were a couple big bad ones that I was privy too...

one had me rush out of a bathroom in a restaurant because the walls were bowing.

The second was so big, it cracked my grandmothers apartment building and my mother and I drove in to be with her and return to her blackened home for some valuables as the aftershocks kept rattling it, it was like being in a bouncy house but the house was a 3 story apartment building.

(I do not recommend this and my mother does not always make the best decisions)

I think there were 10+ aftershocks that day....

This mornings earth movement was mild compared to those.

It has rattled a lot of people near the epicenter and 

there are no serious injuries reported which is great!

I was on the phone with a cousin who lives in Mexico and said

" oh we are having a quake"

the line was silent 

and then I said "it is still rolling but we are fine."

that is how caviler I can be when I identify the type of quake.

it rolled for 20 seconds.

the plants swayed, the coo coo clock chains swayed the cat paced up and down the hallway...

then it was settled.

No need to take cover, no bowed walls or cracked foundation or turning off the gas.

I have not felt any aftershocks.

We are about 200 miles away from the epicenter so that comes as no surprise.

As soon as it stopped I got a call from a friend who lives around the corner

frantic and panicked and out of sorts and firing rapid questions my way

she is from Florida, so is not prepared for earth movement:

" OMG what was that !

is there a Tsunami warning

where do we go if there is one

I don't like those

I am shaking

What should I do

what is the protocol

hubby is just sitting here like it is no big deal "

I tried REALLY hard to not laugh and assured her that what she just felt was a 

MELLOW experience for an earthquake and that she was safe

Normally you brace yourself in a doorway

DO NOT run outside

wait for the shaking to stop than go about your day.

If there was a Tsunami warning out cell phones would siren

and that street across from your house is taller that your house...

go up there if there is a warning.

stay away from windows and anything that could fall on you

BTW your house is a single story...

the safest kind

you are in the safest house for an earthquake...

you are safe and laugh it off.

(I think I said safe a million times to try and soothe her)

She thanked me and hung up

I checked on her two hours later and she said she was still shaking.

She takes her time processing things I guess...

I laughed a bit while making breakfast

it was alright...I could not do anything to prevent it

we were together and safe

it was over

just a normal California day as far as I was concerned.

 Happy Thursday!

I am going to make some 4th of July tacos now