Punk Rock Girl

I am still punk rock!

Okay let me back up....

So I sold an artwork to someone a couple of years ago. 

Turns out this person is a BIG TIME collector and it means something real.

She is also quite the socialite in town and often hosts events in her home.

I was able to attend one about a year and a half ago, and listen to lecture given by a woman who wrote books about some of the founding mothers of contemporary art.

At said party, we were encouraged to socialize and eat little treats etc...

that was when I saw my artwork on the wall!

It was a thrill and then a HORROR as I realized I had not signed my work!

I thought about all night and when I wrote my thank you card, I mentioned that I would love to return for five minutes and sign the work. 

No response...so all this time it has set in my heart as a failure on my part.

Well, last night there was another meeting at the home of the hostess once again!

I daydreamed about remedying the situation but tried to fall on the side of 

" it is her artwork now, leave it be"

The home and art collection on display was beyond impressive once again

Yoko Ono work

Pretty little canapes were out in a rainbow of colors

I socialized and got a hot flash...

I saw a friend and asked if there was a cooler room that she had discovered. 

She mentioned the hostess's office which was open for visitors 

to see the continued art collection.

I met a woman in this room whom I chatted up while cooling off...

we admired the same work and talked about what we loved about certain pieces

I asked if she was an artist

 (this event was hosting artists, curators, museum directors, gallery owners and art writers)

She was and asked if I was as well

I mentioned that my artwork was just in the other room

She asked to see it.

When I looked at it my heart sank...and I mentioned to her that I had forgotten to sign it...

She grabbed it off the wall and said "do it now!"

I giggled and eagerly took the frame into the adjoining room and opened it up and popped out the mat and signed the work. Then just as quickly, popped it back into the frame and locked it all back up. She was by my side the whole time telling me how common it is to forget to sign work...

and that the collector would want me to.

After my act was done, she asked if I could breathe...

I said..."so deeply" it was like my work was a whole piece in a collection now.

I felt vindicated 

and a bit PUNK ROCK

Thankful Thursday

Yesterday I continued a tradition that was started many many many years ago

 and went almost forgotten until recently.

I introduced my niece to yoga.

My Aunt introduced me to her yoga practice many moons ago when I was 10 years old.

I mostly remember falling asleep on the living room floor.

That gently blossomed into me finding yoga again in college and then 

practicing in Nepal and then again before I was married

and as a newlywed.

Then it fell away until three years ago and now I don't think I will forsake it again.

I introduced my nephew first...we do yoga (a few poses) when he spends the night, 

before he plays video games and when we go for exploration walks.

Yesterday as part of my nieces "graduation to Jr. High" school gift, 

we attended a class together.

She is 12 and now old enough to attend a level 1 class with an adult.

(I was that adult, hahaha)

I picked her up and asked if she was excited about it or nervous.

She said she was both, I told her I was too, so we could be beginners together.

We arrived early so we could get her signed into class.

She signed the forms in big round letters that spelt out her first name

 and only the first initial for her last name,

thus beginning her week of free yoga.

I showed her the locker room 

(part of my plan was to introduce her to a locker room before starting Jr High school)

I gave her a tour of the changing area,I showed her where the hair bands were, the q-tips and lotions. I pointed out that there were tampons on the backside of the toilet, in case someone got their period.

Hairdryers and kleenex all for use.

She picked out our locker, we stored our clean clothes for after class and headed to the studio to wait for the class to begin.

We chatted a little before the teacher showed up and watched all the other people arrive into class.

She followed along, exploring the quiet moments, and watching me for pose ques.

It was surreal for me...this little girl was becoming a teenager before my vary eyes.

We compared how sweaty we got...smiled at each other and did yoga!

After class, she was in a good mood and we headed back to the locker room.

There were women in various states of undress...

I told her I was going to take a shower, and asked if she wanted to as well...

she opted out (which I expected) and I gave her the key to the locker and told her which shower I was in and to meet back at the locker when she was done changing. 

She changed in a toilet stall.

I only freaked out a little when the locker room got really quiet when I was rinsing off...and I wanted to call out her name to see if she was still there...but decided that I was going to treat her like a grown up and let her be. 

She was on the bench next to the locker on her ipod when I walked over from the shower.

I got dressed and asked what she was doing and if she felt okay after class.

We thanked the teacher after class and walked to get her a smoothie....

As we were returning to the car I turned and saw this...

I had my camera on the wrong setting, but you get the idea:

It is happening!

It is all fun and games...

It is all fun and games until your doctor says:

 "perimenopausal" 

multiple times in a visit.

Time is marching on and I am apparently aging, regardless of my 

inability to believe it.

Tired at mid-day= besides waking up at 4am daily...

you are gonna find that it takes longer to recover.

Periods acting weird, even on a BCP= you are 46, we are seeing signs of perimenopause

night sweats= perimenopause

pissed off at what I am saying= perimenopausal

That spot I need to burn off your face= stupid things you did as a teenager, now you will pay for it!

They say aging is a gift, I understand that 

I believe that

I am thankful for still being able to walk this earth...

Aging, the process is a mystery and many facets are mysterious

I need to corner people and ask questions...

I need information!

Apparently, even though I feel like an awkward 17year old on the inside

I am still a 46 year old on the outside

sigh

Laughter in funny places

I was in line at Target the other day and could hear a kid 

in COMPLETE meltdown mode.

Kicking, screaming... crying

Mom, trying to finish her tasks had the kid in the cart and was in 

the self check out line.

She was doing the "don't give the situation attention, it will only make it worse" technique

The result, was the little girl screaming and kicking in the cart the whole time

while mom and older sister finished their much needed tasks.

I was in a parallel line, choosing to be away from the sounds.

But....while in line I found myself laughing.

Out loud and carefree....

The couple in front of me, the cashier and the lady behind me looked at me for a reason.

I said " I am laughing because I am thankful I do not have to deal with that today.

One less drama for ME, YEAH"

At that everyone agreed and nodded and giggled to themselves.

The woman behind me said, 

" When I had my kids, that kind of thing was not allowed"

I said to her " sometimes people have bad days, clearly that little lady is having one. She is learning how to deal with it. I feel for mom, as clearly she is just trying to finish what she came her for..."

The older woman didn't really know how to react...

maybe she wasn't able to grasp the fact that a kid might have a bad day, 

and being uneducated on how to deal with the feeling, went strait to tantrum.

I completed my purchase, and left, hearing the crying fade as I left out the front doors.

It felt like I was choosing happy over drama.

But later I wondered...

Was I lacking empathy?

Was I gloating?

Kindness

I have decided to make a bigger effort to choose positive 

in my daily life....

I believe the power of one person can make a difference.

I have chosen to be more good

Believe in LOVE and Goodness

it is always bigger than hate

Endometriosis

Another member of the sisterhood!

My how things are changing, so many more women are open about their reproductive health and acting as cheerleaders for others...here is the newest:

http://www.msn.com/en-us/movies/celebrity/daisy-ridley-opens-up-about-endometriosis-in-empowering-instagram-post/ar-AAgRHt7?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

Politics, babies and my body

I'm here....

that latest round of colds, flus and colds hit this house hard....

and aside from some morning nausea I am back to "normal"

Politics:

I am so fired up about maintaining my rights; the rights of  my nieces and nephews,

 that I re-registered so that I could vote in the primary here in the States.

I was registered with a party that would only allow me to vote party line.

I needed to change that.

I am so upset, and frustrated with the casual misogyny, hate speak, fear mongering and general shit talk that I chose to not sit idyll and instead do what I could to make changes.

 I normally don't talk politics and this is as far as I will go...

I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it any longer

Babies:

I have two baby gifts in read to be packed up, as more people are preggers.

I would say I am pretty unfazed by it, but in all honesty, I haven't been around them while they are blossoming. What I did have a physical reaction to was a casual mention of an impromptu baby shower for a fellow artist...I felt my stomach clench and then race through the monologue of 

"I don't do baby showers, I am happy to send a gift but I am not going to attend"

I decided that, that event has WAY too many triggers for me and so I choose to avoid them....

like the boogie man!

My body:

I stumbled on this project and there is a whole section on fertility, here is one with a statement about the portrait subject:

WHAT I BE PROJECT

As mentioned before, I am floating farther away from my sole identity as an infertile woman.

It is bittersweet...but I think a natural progression with age and peace. 

I have recently purchased a vintage photograph of a child.

It resonated in me when I saw it. 

So I bought it, and when it arrived I matted and framed it and added it to my personal altar. 

I allows me to see a manifestation of a child that makes me feel happy.

Like a moment from a daydream captured.

It has settled something in me.

Run over

So last week I was dead set on going back to yoga after missing the week because of my head-cold...and I arrived to my class on Friday with a sore stomach and feeling sweaty.

I brushed it aside to peri-menopausal symptoms and that I ate too much cabbage the night before.

Plus now I am convinced that the heated room 

and a good sweat can solve all coming cooties and ickies.

I got settled into class, and I started to feel dizzy...

OK move slow...

then the face-down poses started and the pressure on my stomach was not good....

then the standing was iffy, then the forward fold...

and a "wet burp". 

I calmly walk out of class and await the following...nothing. 

Performance anxiety

I try and return to class to finish and it is made PERFECTLY CLEAR

 that is not going to happen!

Defeated, I roll up my mat, take my cold sweaty body to the showers, 

get dressed and head to work....

Wrong choice number 2

I am able to stay for about an hour, 

before I need to get into my car to head home.

Along the drive I think of all the errands I still need to do...

and then I head a voice in my head.

"take care of yourself, don't do anything but go home"

I reason with myself that I can take the mail the following day to get postage...

I make it home to see the neighbor walking his toddler and newborn, he looks up at me as I am exiting my car and says hey how ya doing? 

I say " I'm sick keep a distance" 

he says yeah, I'm trying to keep her head out of it, 

she just tossed all down the front of me, 

referencing the swaddled newborn he was attached to. 

I suddenly image the smell of curdled milk....

I made it in the house, up the stairs and to the bathroom just in time to lose it....

The rest of the day was spent shivering, 

sweating and sleeping until The Barren made it home from work 

with anti nausea medicine and saltines.

He rescued me once again.

Why do I go into details?

If I had a child this would have been made SOOOO MUCH MORE complicated

I was thankful that I just needed to deal with me that day

as I could barely do that.

This last weekend was spent recovering

Then....

The Barren started to not feel well again, we have  

both been battling something for the last two weeks!

Now he is headed off to the doc as his cough is sounding different 

and keeping sleeping at bay.

I joked with a friend that 46 is HARD

I got to be a birthday girl for three days and then I got sick!

Can I call a do over?

Then after this last weekend I told The Barren that I was in 

metamorphosis and that I am gonna be one DAMN fine butterfly

when this was gone.
I refuse to let everything lead to something bad any longer!

Time has passed and I am growing it seems

So I haven't posted in a while...I am not completely sure why.

Barbara Kruger's artwork
"Have me Feed me Hug me Love me Need me"

I spent the month of April visiting art museums....The Barren declared the whole month would be spent art gazing, and I was not going to argue with that logic! Plus he said it was the perfect way to celebrate my birthday....so we did.
It was amazing and inspiring and wonderful. We were able to break him free of work on most of those weekends and just enjoy wandering galleries and talking about thoughts that the art inspired.

Quite beautiful

I forgot Infertility Awareness week...I am aware of our infertility, and so are most of our friends....it didn't seem like something I needed to soapbox this year. So I didn't

I celebrated my birthday quite quietly. I made myself a cake and ate a piece the eve of my birthday. I went to yoga in the morning and didn't tell anyone and then at the end of class someone wished me a happy birthday and throughout the week, I was surprised with birthday wishes....it was sweet.

I then got my annual cold and spent the week following my birthday laid out like a shivering, stuffy nosed sloth under the covers. This cold triggered me getting my period a week early-even while on birth control and now next week I get my period again....that is if this period stops first.
sigh

My bestie made it through (OK I made it through) her month residency and made a SHITLOAD of artwork, but also missed her husbands cooking as the food provided was less than stellar and mostly tater tots. I am complaining for her....hahaha she'd never complain.

I have landed firmly in 46.
I don't seem fazed by it and that is great with me.
My mother had her knee replaced at 44 and the fact that I am still not there is a MAJOR highlight of a milestone in personal goals.

Mother's day is looming, but my mom made plans and she said they are declaring it Sunday.
I think she is doing that to make me feel better, and I am thankful for that too....

I think that I am mostly settling into who I am meant to be now...post-infertility.
I discover something new about what I do and don't want, what I can actually do...and often give myself permission to go forward with that train of thought.
Recently, friends are talking about stressful kid scenarios and I just look at The Barren and say
"Not jealous of that!"
That is HUGE for me, for us....

Day Three

My bestie got a residency here and is going to be gone for almost a month.....

out of range and texting and distractions.

I am thrilled for her, and I know she will excel with the time away from family responsibilities and work drama. She needs this time, her artwork needs this time.

It is only day three,

 and I am finding myself and the inability to connect with her at any time challenging.

We normally text each other everyday

I spoke with her the night before she left and wished her well and told her to have a super fun time!

Inside I was crying, and it felt like when we were headed to different colleges.

I will miss her greatly, but can not wait to see what she makes while away.

The Barren took me into the big city to see an exhibition I had been dreaming of seeing since I was a teenager...it was a good distraction and inspiring and offered some real time with him.

Such beautiful, moving work

I was reminded of my own darkroom practice, 

my desire to make images that move, confuse, and connect with people.

I cried a few times viewing the work.

Not only remembering my own days gone by, 

but seeing this brilliant artist disappear before my eyes in his self portraits.

Mortality and disease

We ate a lot on our day out and away, 

I even indulged in some vegan "junk food"

eating a mac n cheeze pizza!

it did have broccoli on it, in my defense

The following day was spent on site with a project I am the photographer for.

We were out in the hills and outside all day.

I almost stepped on a snake

picture of snake "walking away" from me and my foot

I have since been editing and distracted until today....today I am floating.

I will work on art for the next few days. The Barren has been working way too many hours, both at work and working at home. He is stressed and it appears that tickets we had to secure almost three months ago will go unused for another weekend getaway, as his work clients are a big drama queen.

With his extended hours and my desire to maintain a studio practice and my second job schedule and early yoga classes, we are now not often able to spend time together until the weekend...at best.

Our schedules are almost opposite of one another.

I got a text from him this morning:

" at work...feeling a bit sad and lonely. : (

hope you are doing OK"

I was nearby and offered to swing by for a hug and a kiss and a cuddle,

but he was in between meetings and couldn't break away, even for a moment.

I am thankful that we still check in with each other.

Relationships take work, everyday.

I never take that for granted, and neither does he.

I make dinner every night for us, making sure that there is always a homemade meal 

at the end of a pressure ridden day. 

Something made with care.

We see each other at this time and shortly there after I am off to bed 

and he is still too wound up to sleep.

So we meet on the weekends.

My relationships super sucks right now, 

but I an hopeful and know that many aspects are temporary. 

The dreams continue....

I am still being submerged in dreams of my child that never came to be...

I saw this and it made me weep and be thankful that I am able to watch this
and keep my chin high
and my heart open
to still thinking about a child that I never got to hold...
and still thinking about what I desired for them

I have grown stronger 

Dreams have returned

So it appears that my pregnancy dreams have returned.

I awoke last week shaken to the core from a dream about our 

baby's spirit being taken by something evil.

I was conflicted in the dream by wanting it to be born so I could hold it, 

protecting it from evil

Protection won out in the end!

I told The Barren and he told me that a pure soul can not be 

taken by evil, as it would have to recognize it as evil to begin with.

or something like that...I had tears in m ears as I laid in bed in the dark of the morning.

I then had another dream that I was heavily pregnant and trying to simply move about.

I am not sure why these dreams have returned.

Why I need to re-live them AGAIN

I am seeking that answer

I am stuck in a creative rut as well...

and maybe they are connected.

Maybe I am really pregnant with ideas but afraid to make them appear.

I'll go with that for now.

It is less sad

and 

heartbreaking

Victory

I am not sure if I had anything to do with it....

but The Earl mentioned that my niece and nephew 

will most likely be getting the Gardasil vaccine.

I feel like I've survived through the battle of logic.

I would like to think, that all the information that I passed along to him from 

SOOOOOO many sources was of help.

I don't need credit for it...

Honestly...all that really matters is that

 my dear nieces and nephew are going to be protected.

I can sleep better with that knowledge.

Thank you for your kind words and help....

I knew I could count on you sisters!

xoxox

How can I....

So my brother (The Earl) asked me if I knew anyone who had inoculated their kids with Gardasil.

My heart started racing....

He then followed it with that his wife (The Countess) did not want to give it to their daughter....my niece!

She had seen that a girl got sick after the shot and now has totally shut down to the idea of giving my niece the shot. The Earl is researching online and asking people he knows.

I am being as neutral as possible, 

but inside I am SCREAMING! 

and wanting to slap some sense into The Countess or The Earl.

I have asked my granola friends, and my conservative friends, 

I have asked doctor friends and total strangers...and forwarded their responses to The Earl.

All of which have chosen to protect their sons and daughters from

 either transmitting or contracting HPV

It seems totally logical to me 

and being someone who had more than one cancer scare

knows people who have HPV and had cervical cancer

I don't seem to see the logic in avoiding any kind of protections

from this horrible disease that can ultimately KILL you!

I have stayed mum with my personal opinion 

as I know that I might get the "it is not your child" 

thrown back in my face during a heated and or emotional moment.

I don't think they are avoiding it because they can not imagine her being sexually active, 

but instead are simply scared of vaccinations.

Mind you they have gotten all the others....

What can I do

How can I speak or advocate for my nieces and nephews

without getting slapped?

Should I expect a slap...and just deal with it?

Should I risk my relationship with my SIL and brother...

Sign

How can I help?

Things I can do

So I have been busy with my personal self created to-do lists. 

Top on that list was (see I did it) updating my personal artist website.

My old website was managed and maintained by a friend...and by friend I mean ex-boyfriend.

I maintain a relationship with my ex, it has been over 25 years now.

The Barren has zero issue with this, and I am beyond thankful that one of the many fine qualities is that he understands that people mean something to me, and that my past comes with me.

 So having a relationship with my ex totally makes sense to him and he respects that.

We (ex and I) decided long ago that we could not throw away all the time we had spent together,
 so we would stay friends, plus it was the adult thing to do. 

I know that this is quite unique and makes some people very uncomfortable...but that is just a fact.

He decided to sleep with someone else, so I left him (had to get a jab in there somewhere)

 I met The Barren about 6months there after.

I am not going to say that we had a perfect relationship, or that this friendship has not be hard at times, but we both feel it is worth maintaining it.

We were young and said hurtful things, I lost myself in the process. Some of what was done/said has taken a long time to grow past or let go of...but time marched on and we seem to always go to one another for some sense of support or creative guidance.

His partner (the same one he was with when we were together) had a hard time getting on board with it, but has come to understand that this friendship is not going anywhere 

and it is not a threat to them or her.

Over the years the ex has helped me make creative decisions, and is a good editor and creative sounding board and reference guide. We help each other out with creative things as we seem to understand each other that way still.

I had been wrestling with website design options and he stepped in and researched all the pros and cons of each, helping me see the highlights of them. I get overwhelmed with minute details and he helped clear that up.

We had decided to met face to face to discuss the final player/options and styles etc...at a coffeehouse he'd never been to before...I had been emailing and texting with him constantly but had not seen him face to face in over two years! 

When the time came for us to meet, he was no where to be found...

I could feel my heart pounding and all these feeling from when I was a teenager came back...

he is blowing me off

he "forgot"

his partner had a tantrum and he is not coming

I texted The Barren and asked how long to wait...he responded that the ex is notoriously late, and to give it a half an hour. I paced in my mind while trying to maintain my composure in my seat...slowly sipping tea. When the half hour mark arrived I slowly packed up my things and decided to walk around the block, thinking I'd catch him just arriving or check another nearby coffee house that maybe he was there instead.

Turns out that he was, at another location...the first one we talked about meeting at...but changed from that place to the new one.

When he saw me, he gave me a look that made me feel like a silly 19yr old again...he was disappointed, frustrated and convinced that I had gotten it all wrong.

I took a deep breath maintained a smile and said, "I'm glad we found each other."

He said he had looked into the coffee shop I was waiting in but, didn't dare enter it as he had never been there before. So he returned to the original local assuming I'd be there.

(I was sitting at a table that was blocked by a stone column so he could not see me from the outside).

We walked back to the coffee shop I had just left, in time for me to continue finishing my tea (they hadn't even cleared the cup and pot yet)

He sat down and we began to catch up a little. I mostly listened, he was nervous and it was awkward...needless to say we chatted and switched to a smaller table when we realized we didn't need a wall plug as originally thought.

 The morning sun was out and beaming me right in the eye and side of my face...making me sit back farther and farther..the ex noted that he could see the sun beaming me, but that he was in the shade and so didn't stop conversation, it did make me realize a simple and sweet thing about The Barren*

The talk of the website was minor, as I had most of my ideas clearly set and when I had had enough of the sun and the conversation had turned to filler I offered to drive him home, so he didn't have to walk back. We drove back to his place, I dropped him off at the curb and waved goodbye.

I then proceeded to go home, set up my account, and begin designing the new website.

In the last week it has formed into a completed vision, that I made all on my own.

The kick start was a rough one, mostly filled with self doubt over my abilities, 

but that turned out to be smoke and mirrors and trick doors.

I even designed a new name logo....

I sent a link to the ex last night declaring that it was live, and he responded that it looked great!

I was quite proud of myself.

I feel as though I am free from a shadow.

Like his control over my web presence is no longer over me...

I have taken back control over me again.

I doubted my abilities but I was wrong....

I can do it, and well at that!

*The Barren always makes sure I am out of the sun, if I was at this table with The Barren, we would have packed up and moved to another with no words or fuss...just a matter of fact and no pause in conversation.

It is amazing how things from many years ago can still feel so fresh and accessible in our hearts.  

The ex has never wished any ill will on me and always expressed his desire that nothing come in my way, so I continue to pursue my art...in fact when I told him I was getting married, he wanted to make sure that The Barren would never snuff out my artistic desires or freedom of motion.

Then declared he was off to join the French foreign legion...hahaha

When I told him I couldn't have kids, he sent a sweet note that it was super sad, and wished it would be different for us.

He broke my heart 25 years ago, but in the middle of it all I had the strength to march onward with my head held high and find myself again and the person I was meant to spend my lifetime with. 

I am thankful, he in turn found his life mate too.

We have grown since then, said a lot of "I didn't mean that" and versions of "I'm sorry" and can now joke about things...

at least I can, in fact I still refer to a painting he gave me when we broke up as
"what I got in the divorce settlement"

I can hold my head up high, feel smart and do things without hesitation.

I can do all these things!

I have to remind myself

physical memories

So the new year has started and now we are almost done with this first month!

I am finding that I am experiencing a little struggle, mostly kicking myself into the right lane...

I made a list one morning while eating, trying to make it like an "automatic writing" experiment.

I only post it here so that I am reminded that these are the first things that came to mind and they are good ideas to strive for always...not just for this year.

 this is what I came up with:

be more present

be more honest & true

use kinder words in self talk

go to yoga as often as I can afford

make/experiment

stop comparing myself to others in stressful situations

read more books

embrace your laughter

paint your nails

learn to braid-for real

keep letting go

stop apologizing for nothing

make new friends/situations

do less home chores-you get lost in them

draw more

write more

be less afraid

I have found that "keep letting go" is the one theme I have revisited the most so far;

and I am finding that it is mostly in regards to physical things.

I cleared out my closet, and loving placed many items that I had emotional connections with into a box to give away.

I cleaned out under my bathroom sink and threw out the last pregnancy test I had squirreled away. 

I said out loud, I will never use you and get the answer I want.

Those seemed easy.

Today, while trying to clear out some studio clutter I came across these old pocket calendars.

I took copious notes in each, recording my daily appointments, birthdays, anniversaries and happenings, tracking my periods and noting my miscarriages.

I think I kept them as I didn't want to trow out these markers, like I was saving them for someone.

Today I chose to toss them into the recycling bin.

I carry these memories in my heart. I don't need to fear that I will loose them by throwing out the reminders of the dates. I can still carry those with me, regardless of where the original note is.

As for the Mudman of New Guinea, is a picture I cut from a travel magazine, 

they were on a bucket list many moons ago.

That too has faded into the past.

both are bittersweet, but not forgotten.

I have to remind myself of that.

Keep on going

I saw this today and it reminded me that I need to post something soon....

so here is a place marker

New Years Eve

I have been focusing on this concept.

In many facets of my life.

I think it is natural to want to assess the year as it winds out, 

I do it on my birthday too...the marker of time and accomplishments.

New years is always somewhat sad for me...I get really melancholy for some reason.

In reflecting on eve's gone by, I realize that I was always sort of sad...

maybe it is really the quiet that is reflection...and not sadness at all.

I have found that in these last few weeks I have been consciously letting go.

In petty arguments

in petty goals (no this has to go here....)

 in what I think I am right about, or wrong about 

There is a sweetness to letting go.

I feel less heavy in those moments, when I realize I am making a choice to be better

or more aware or less concerned.

When shit hit the fan many years ago, I sought help after feeling like I was falling into an abyss...

My therapist once played back my recording when I was looking for someone to help me

" Hi I just found out I can't have kids and I need help dealing with this. 

I feel lost and dark. Are you accepting new patients?"

Damn...that was raw and brave! Even in the face of the fire breathing Barreness, I stood there with my shield held high enough to not get charbroiled, and instead call for help.

In those dark days, I tried to find help in words...
and picked up When things fall apart. 
I liked the idea of a female monk helping me.
Many of her words did and although I didn't finish the book,
I took what I needed from it and walked further away from the Dragon.

"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality. (9)” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

Letting go seems to have become a subtle theme for me this year.
I have had to learn how to let go of people
Many of whom have transcended this world this year...most unannounced
I have started to REALLY let go of my subtitles, and simply be me.
I am trying, all the time
At times it is exhausting, trying to be so self aware and present that I loose the starting point...
It is easy to get lost in this big wide world...but holding on tighter to EVERYTHING is not the answer. At least, it is not the answer for me.

I met with a friend that was moving away recently, she was super high on where she was moving.
That she was ending her broken marriage, and making her own path.
Manifest destiny
The whole dinner, she talked and talked and talked about this new city she was moving to
she had memorized all the neighborhoods and what events happened when and how she was going to try it all, even things she never did before.
I sat through this whole dinner listening, openly listening...not the kind of listen that you appear to be listening, but really you are planning your response or next sentence.
When she came up for a breath, it was time to go.
I hugged her goodbye, wished her well and walked to my car confused.
I was feeling something but wasn't sure what it was.
It took most the rest of the night and then I realized what it was.
We had grown in two separate ways, and we were not able to really relate anymore.
I came to a moment of peace, I figured it out and was proud of myself for it.

A similar thing happened over the holidays,
I met a friend that I was super close to from high school in through college
He met me before I had plans to meet some ladies for tea.
He piggybacked on the date so to speak...he lives on the other side of the country
we use to talk alllllll the time, then he got married and it happened less and less often.
Now it is down to a text message at our respective birthdays.
This holiday,he texted that he was in town and I should come over to his brothers place to hang out while his family got ready to leave and go to a nearby town to meet with other family.
Initially I was upset at how caviler he acted about the text.
The Barren holds anger towards him for dropping me like a potato.
Instead, I explained that I was meeting some friends nearby, so why not meet me there early and we can chat ahead of the tea....
He first said no and then said sure.
When he did show up, he got two sentences in before his wife showed up and sat down next to him and listened to the conversation. (she said hello to me but that was about it, it is pretty commonplace for her. She use to interrupt the talks saying it was time to go) then his brother and wife and kids showed up...our little talk was witnessed by my girlfriends who scurried off into the cafe while we had our "nothing conversation" and talk about the weather.
About ten minutes in he said, well you better get some tea...and with that we hugged goodbye and that was that.
When I joined my girlfriends they said " WHAT WAS THAT?!" claiming that I had a smile on my face the whole time but clearly he was uncomfortable. I explained that he use to be my best friend from age 15 and once he got married, his wife was dead set on making sure he stopped our friendship...so it has grown apart. He is now really just a guy I went to high school with that I know a lot about. They asked why I was smiling so much, I told them....I was glad to see him.
I sent a text to him later that day saying it was nice to see him
it is yet to be replied to.
Growth
No hard feelings, just understanding.

I am thinking about what I want for myself for this next year.
I am thinking that wanting things/goals for myself is not a kind of selfish that has a negative connotation, but instead is a way to allow see myself grow!
I am looking to improve my self talk
and my belief in self worth


Wishes for a many leveled, many bright
many wonderful wishes new year to you all
  

Time passes

As time passes I am finding myself identifying less and less as an infertile woman 

and simply a woman without children. 

Maybe those words place less blame, or guilt. 

Maybe that is simply growing.

I have even considered unsubscribing from some websites and blogs that are in the middle of their discovery. Not because I do not want to offer support but simply because it is energy I have spent and can not afford to spend any longer.

I guess this time passing, has distanced me from the central heart of the pain.

The pain is no longer raw

The pain only appears in small short moments.

I am no longer consumed by the monster

The Barreness seems to have stopped poking me

at least that is how it feels right now.

I had a successful exhibition, in fact I sold one of my pieces before the show opened 

and the other on opening night!

I felt like I was floating on a lily-pad, afraid to move to quickly 

and fall into the cold murky pond.

But it was real, I really did it.

A fellow art friend told me I was no longer allowed to feel surprised by my art sales.

I had sold work every year from that show and it was time to get over it.

I smiled

 and then told The Barren, over sake shots after the event, that I liked 

life surprises, and that not feeling a bit of shock and disbelief seemed unnatural for me.

I deserve this success, and I deserve to feel proud

but I also can enjoy the surprise and glee associated with a sale.

We have been running non stop for most of this month already,

social commitments and events.

Now we are done, and just have the holidays to figure out.

We went to our last social commitment last night and it was hosted by a painter friend who has a big show opening in New York on Tuesday. She filled her home with friends and family for an annual get together. Since last years event, she has had a baby and so have many of her friends. In fact at one point, the house was filled with little kids and toddlers screaming, running and slamming doors while two very patient boston terriers watched and avoided them. I sat on the couch with three friends across from The Barren who was chatting with the spouses of the the friends and found myself unconcerned about the chaos.

In fact, totally unfazed.

I didn't need to find my kid, or ask the kids to stop....

not my monkeys, not my circus

As we were gathering up to leave I looked down to put on my coat 

and saw a little green chair, with a pair of little shoes in it.

it was sublime and sweet and 

The Barren and I both just exhaled and moved on to saying our goodbyes

It is moments like that, that I realize that time has passed.

The moments of a magical childhood for our never to be child have begun to age.

We are learning to live life again, be who are suppose to be after all that we have been 

and all that we can still be.

I was that girl

"A 23-year-old American college student who was killed in the Paris attacks was described as a “gifted student” by her teachers and beloved by her friends.

Nohemi Gonzalez was killed Friday night at the bistro La Belle Equipe in Paris. She was spending time with friends when a gunman opened fire on the scene and fatally wounded her."

When I heard about the attacks in Paris I froze, I literally could not process anything at all.
                                                                         *******

Many years ago, when I was in my early 20's I was a student studying in Paris, living out my dream of being an artist in the epicenter of my creative forefathers and foremothers. Eating bread and canned peas. Going to the museum everyday, drawing and dreaming and learning who I was and what I wanted from life and for myself. Kissing boys and crying and laughing. 

I was that girl who went to a concert in Paris, and got caught in a mosh pit and thrown to the ground, tossed from the chaos yet, alive fwith fear and desire for excitement. 

I was that girl who ate in a cafe and ordered an omelette in her best version of French.

I was that girl who smelt the night air and felt the magic of the city

I was that girl

And I am that very same girl, shaken to my very core when I heard what happened.

I cried a lot and wondered if that magic had been taken away

I felt as though something had blown up my memories of the sweet, 

nostalgia of the city of light

Someone had taken a dreamer away, pulled her from this earth before she could finish her dreams

I felt

I could imagine

I mourned a stranger

I mourned all the dreamers and strangers who were simply

living that night. Living and dreaming and hoping for more wonderful.

I am those girls

I am those boys

I am those children

Wordless Wednesday

Source

The tides have turned

If Buzzfeed can post this

I know the world has begun to shift...

someday soon, there will be no more shame!

Loss

This resonated so deeply in me

“I lost a baby at the end of May. I was just a little over two months into the pregnancy. I wasn’t showing or anything. And I hadn't announced the pregnancy yet. So I don’t think that the baby seemed real to anyone else. But it was real to me. Every time I passed a children’s store, I’d look in the window and smile. I began to look closely at all the different types of strollers people were pushing down the street. I bought a little monkey for the baby that I carried around with me. I started planning our life together. Then one day it felt like someone was stabbing me in the lower abs. I went to the doctor, and they told me that I’d had an ectopic pregnancy, and the baby was lost. I felt really alone afterward because most of my friends hadn’t even known the baby existed. They couldn't understand how I felt. Part of it was my fault. I didn’t want to talk about it. Yet I still expected everyone to understand."

Story and Photo via Humans of New York

Remembering Death and Life Lived

I had been wanting to go to an event in a nearby major city for several years now, but never had the right timing or drive. So when a buddy called and said she'd drive and wanted to go right after they opened I cleared my schedule and said I'll buy your ticket!

It turned out to be just what I needed and 

aside from a set of scabs from my new sandals it was a great day!

The Dia de Los Muertos festival takes over whole sections of the cemetery 

it is a mix of altars and memorial structures and vendors selling all things related to the holiday.

There are face painters and food vendors too.

Live music, native dancers and people

AMAZING people watching!!

I celebrate this holiday, as it is the anniversary of The Barren and I getting married.

We purposely chose this day, as it is when the veil is the thinnest between the two worlds 

( the living and the dead)

so we knew that anyone of our loved ones could attend the wedding if they choose to.

It is also around the same time as the first of our miscarriages.

So I feel like our babies can feel our love the most around now.

It is a good cathartic way to celebrate, remember and mourn loved ones.

It is all in the spirit of love

and who could not love that !

I took my camera and the below are some of the fun results

Girlfriends all dressed for the day
(everyone was willing to have their photo taken, no one said no)

Jaguar dancer looking at some of the altars

crazy face painting!

Some famous cool dudes are buried here

LOVED her headpiece,
it sparkled and was amazing dancing with the light

Cat memorial in the wall of marigolds
this broke my heart and had me close to tears
I was glad The Barren was home with our lovelies

A Frida Kahlo sculpture complete
with a reproduction of her chest cast and lost baby.
I wanted to take this home.

Your favorite leaf eater
with one of the many paper mache sculptures
it was 90* (32c) , hence the sleeveless top

I took away a lot of ideas for our personal altar this year.

I was able to be quiet most of the day and just look, which was a gift beyond words.

I have a couple friends that understand quiet doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to you, but instead I am talking so much to myself I can't bear to say words aloud.