I threw up Hanukkah

Homemade jelly filled donuts

(vegan)

recipe here

I've been off of sorts since the election.

I am not going to get political today...

but I have been overwhelmed with emotions and feelings and anger at times.

Yoga has been a saving grace for me...and the classes have been packed since the election,

I am not alone in trying to find some solace of mental health.

I am eating clean and so when Hanukkah came around this year I offered to make dinner here for my parents and The Barren offered to make dessert.

We had a lovely visit and watched my parents act like bickering siblings...over food, and facts and whatever else came along.

I made latkes and we had veggies and some meat (well The Barren and my father did)

then dessert!

I am not a donuts person, and so when they were made I offered to be the jelly filler 

and powder sugar cover-er. 

Important roles and one I enjoyed a lot!

I sat down and ate two! they were yummy and my lips were coated in white!

It was great and the sugar surged through me and I was moving faster and faster and we chatted some more and then my parents called it a night and headed home.

I sat on the couch while the dishwasher ran the first load of dishes and fell asleep.

When I woke up with a start a half and hour later...I ran to the bathroom and threw up Hanukkah.

Too much...

oil, sugar and too much

It was a vast reminder that I have eaten really clean for a long time 

and fried food is not something I can really deal with....anymore.

I gotta figure out a new latke recipe that I can bake or adjust 

sigh

Now that Christmas has past, 

ideally those crazy tear jerking commercials will fade away for another year.

I don't have to think about how many baby photos will come in the mail and how many family pics will fill our mantle.

I greeted each one this year with a smile and took in all the joy conveyed in the images...

but knew something was different at our place.

And as I brainstorm about what kind of new years card we will send out...I often find myself thinking

" what will show them that we are really happy, even without kids"

I know it is messed up, and a bit like a keeping up with the Jones' kind of thing.

But it is true....

I don't want to throw up any more celebration

I just want to keep it real

sucker punched

It feels as though I was sucker punched.

Walked into an alley and beat up with no knowledge or reason

I did not vote for that man

I do not support his agenda (as vague as it is)

I do not tolerate hate, xenophobia, or misogyny

I do not think fear is the way to motivate people

I want to be clear

this is NOT who I am, 

nor does this man and his clan of huntsmen 

represent anything I stand for.

He is not what so many of my immigrant forefamily

came seeking in America.

I am ashamed and embarrassed

not only in this but myself for not seeing 

just how racist and sexist this country really is!

I am a dreamer and believer 

and it just walked right past my sparkling dreamer eyes 

Emotional

I woke up this morning feeling emotional, more than I expected.

I mailed our ballots in two weeks ago 

I called my mother weeping

I am now on pins and needles

So much is at stake

So much worry

I spoke out when I saw women friends claiming to not want to vote

I learned who really harbors hate for other people

I learned what is important to me

I voted, I voted for myself but mostly for my niece and nephews future

I voted for my and any other woman's reproductive rights 

I voted for my LGBTQ friends

I voted for my earth

I am voting for a change

I am a nasty woman, who is grabbing back her pussy and playing her woman card!

Anniversary-many years later

It is the anniversary of my 1st of three miscarriages on tomorrow

and then 

It is our wedding anniversary on Tuesday

We will be celebrating 24years together and 14years married. 

In the meantime I am quiet...I feel kind of sideswiped/wounded.
I woke up feeling okay,
started about my day, but something feels off.

Muscle memory maybe?

My heart has been beating along as normal.
but there is a heaviness.

As of late, I have been referring to our never to be child as our star child.
Made of love and stardust.
It is in an effort to include them as a element into our living lives,
but understand that they are not physically here,
but still able to be seen and felt deeply.
The Barren seems to be okay with this new development.
I think this is me hoping it is another step towards feeling alright.

I am set to work a photo-shoot tomorrow, doing a family shoot for a friend with a toddler.
The one who named her child the name we had secretly picked for our own child.

I assume after the job is done, I will need a nap or a drink or both wrapped in a cuddle.

Even after all these years, I still feel it so deeply.
but....
One thing I do differently, is that I give myself space now to feel it.
Feel all of it, deep and dark and big and bright.

That is the reminder of stardust.

Movie review and warning

Movie binge watching, had me stumble on the second half of the movie By The Sea-Movie 

which I had no idea what it was about other than it was panned as 

being an Arthouse film or "really boring"

I thought it was more art film than boring...I sometimes like to watch things unfold slowly and with a hot bathtub scene with beautiful people I was watching...

The charaters were clearly tortured and working on being either ok with each other or deciding to not be ok with each other.

It was the ending I was not expecting...

I literally said out loud to the television " are you kidding me?!"

*******SPOILER ALERT**********

She can't have kids, and has suffered two miscarriages and has retreated into herself.

I get it....

I get it well

So if you know that going into the film it might make the whole thing strangely familiar as far as emotions and actions and feelings 

More like a post card to yourself from yourself from times gone by.

Time marches on

Source

Ducklings in paper dresses....lets start here.

Okay

I have been wanting to write here.

I just got back from a weekend visit with my bestie.

We live several hundred miles apart and so visiting often is quite involved.

This time, we made arrangements a month+ ahead of time 

and I got an AirBnB 

and had The Barren take an extra day off to recover from the travel time.

When we arrived we hit the ground running.

My bestie talked my ear off <3 p="">

She was sooooooooo excited to see me that she just kept talking and talking and talking....

It was great and exhausting.

I ate like a queen, 

and covered The Barren in kisses of appreciation 

for making and supporting the time away.

The Barren was recovering/processing of sorts, 

from a sudden and unexpected death of a coworker.
This time together was needed.

We spent the time away talking and being quiet and just being.

Bestie has a child, who we are close with and who is the most well adjusted 

young person I have ever known.

He is an only child and has been treated as a human from day one 

and it is reflected in his mood and demeanor.

The Barren and I are listed as caregivers should something horrible happen to his parents.

He was able to choose, and we were happy to be those people for him.

So it is all legal and stuff...

He is growing up fast and has landed firmly into tweenhood

Time marches on

I got this photo in my email today:

"do you recognize the blanket"

I made that blanket for her older brother as a baby shower gift.

It was a reminder of how far down this road I have traveled.

How long ago I was making blankets for friends babies, and wishing for my own.

Like a moving meditation, make a blanket, earn more points to me getting a baby of my own.

The above child was conceived while I was having miscarriages and I threw her mother a shower, thinking I could still do it all. 

Once this little lady was born, I told her mom (who I've known since we were 14yrs old)

that I could not be what she needed of me...

she has respected that and we send hellos every once in a while.

Time marches on

Then today I also got an email asking if someone could use an image from my Infertility Art Exhibition....this exhibition was 6 years ago and I am still getting requests for image use.

AMAZING

time marches on

Here I am three weeks away from my first miscarriage anniversary and I am getting reminders of how long ago we left the path for parenthood but also how far we have traveled.
Time marches on

Soapboxing and babble

On the day after the democratic convention I was so taken by the idea that 

we might be able to get women in positions of power

I was a bit emotionally overcome and felt my inner suffragette start to roar....

I got this shirt

I believe we are the closest we have ever been to shifting the patriarchal structure

which is exciting and LONNNNNG overdue

I needed to add my two cents by being a human billboard

The other day I wore this shirt out in public.

I live in a mixed political neighborhood...

so I have not wanted to invite screams or bullying

Instead we went to a nearby town that is far more granola

I had forgotten what I was wearing...as one often does after getting dressed in the morning.

I hear some snickers...

I didn't think anything of it for a while and then when I heard one of the people repeat what was written on my shirt...I knew the cause.

I was not sure how to interpret her response...but she seemed tickled by the words.

So I will take it as an OK response, and thankfully not a verbally abusive one.

This political environment has not only myself, but friends having nightmares about the circus possibilities. The family that agrees with the potential of circus america is even harder to avoid on social media...I just keep filling my feed with period positive articles, women's health changes and  positive options for the world around us. Avoiding confrontations with said family.

*****

Speaking of circuses:

We attended a child's 1st birthday party, a friend of ours....the one that used the name we had secreted away for our own never to be baby. 

I can say the baby's name now and not have it hurt so deeply...I created a mantra that repeated that he was not our "baby name" but a different one.

The baby was not the only baby there, in fact it felt like everyone brought babies.

There were new babies, toddlers and small children.

The Barren and I stayed for a bit, and when the cake came out we left soon afterwards.

We were quiet and in funny moods afterwards...so we went home and ate some potato chips and watched crappy TV to decompress.

 In the big picture world, that is a major step.

In our current world, it is still a bump for us in a day; one that takes an entire day to recover from and requires quiet, and junk food and mood swings.

I've read many times over that "mercury is in retrograde"- which always made me think....

hold strong, shits about to REALLY hit the fan. 

Recently though, while at a coffee shop I was given some words of wisdom from another woman who was also waiting for caffeine.

She looked like Joan Jett so I think that drew me into her words.

She explained that mercury in retrograde really means that we should look inward and how we talk to ourselves and ask to be heard. It helps our brains de-clutter and reconfigure.

So on that note...I am off to abuse the post-it notes and reconfigure

Mondayssssss for days

I needed a little pick me up

so I thought I would pass it along to 

you magical wonderful loveies

Recovery

Once again my tub is a recovery zone.

Two weeks ago I was feeling on top of the world, I was seeing results from pushing myself farther and harder in class to reach new personal goals. 

I was feeling the benefits of the vitamin D I was taking again.

I was feeling invincible.

Then I noticed it had been a long time since I had peed that day.

When I did finally try, barely anything came out.

So, being the over achiever, I drank 40+oz of water and a quarter of a watermelon.

I must have been dehydrated.

I began to pee, but it was very little and then every few moments...

I knew this was not good, but for some reason did nothing to stop this decent until four hours had passed and I started to pee blood.

The Barren was traveling for work and when he called and heard me he said you gonna ride it out until the morning and see your doctor...I said yeah.

I was wrong...when 9pm came around I was EXHAUSTED and all the walk in clinics were closed.

Our local ER is like going into downtown Bangladesh and the wait times are off the chart...

plus I was scared and alone.

I mustered up my courage and got myself into the car and drove to another towns ER.

I had to stop along the way to pee, more blood...and pain

I made it to the ER and felt like I was going to pass out.

I gave a sample, that looked more like a small glass of Rosé

They took me in right away and told me where the bathroom was.

I was calm considering how frightened I was.

I get white coat too, so my pulse was elevated and explained to the admitting nurse what was happening. It took a while before the dishtowel of an ER doctor came in.

I had gone to the bathroom twice while waiting for him.

He didn't even look me in the face for the first half of the questioning.

He asked if I had any surgeries, I explained my endo and cyst and fibroids.

He asked if I had, had any others, I said I had my wisdom teeth out, but I didn't think that the roots went that deep. 

At that point he smirked and said he'd be back after the results came in.

While I waited more, I just kept peeing, and walking back and forth from my room to the bathroom.

Pain building...and blood.

Finally, another nurse came in and sat down, looked and me and said:

" I've seen you go to the bathroom many many times since you've been admitted. Can you tell me what is going on? " He looked at me and listened and I told him the pressure is so intense...it is as bad as cramping and the pain while peeing is building. 

And even though I have a fairly high pain tolerance, this was beginning to be quite upsetting.

He came back with some meds, and I took them...and then threw them up.

Then peed again and while walking back to the room.

The doctor said " you are allergic to a lot of things! "

I responded " yes, I am very special"

The nurse smirked and followed me back into the room, 

gave me some saltines, anti-nausea meds and another dose of medicine. 

He got me released and explained that I had a UTI and that the meds would take 24-36 hours before I felt better. I thanked him and drove home. The bladder pills already working and allowing me to make it home without having to stop.

I came home and passed out...it was 1:30am

The next couple of days were rough, and it felt like I had overwiped from all the peeing...

when I finally looked three days later I discovered I had gotten a HEMORRHOID!

All that pressure had caused me to get one!

I have never had one and so after a week had passed and I checked back in with my doc, 

she said "well if it doesn't go away, we will have to cut and drain it!"

I went blank again...

needles and knives in my BUTT!

I am currently doing a lot of soaking, icing and creams

I am repeating my body healing mantras and soaking in tubs three to four times a day.

it is changing slowly...but the only person who will admit to having had a 'roid is my bestie.

I am doing the wait it out and let it resolve itself path.

This whole thing, as me naked from the waist down at home again...

which sounds like fun, but has totally put a bend in my mojo.

I am asking for suggestions or hemorrhoid recovery tales...

I need to know that there is a light at the end of my tunnel

(hahaha, so to speak)

Unleashing

I saw this today and thought

"My gawd I love this woman"

I am working on unleashing this woman;

she lives inside me and I seem to always want to keep her contained...

it is time for her to run free

Punk Rock Girl

I am still punk rock!

Okay let me back up....

So I sold an artwork to someone a couple of years ago. 

Turns out this person is a BIG TIME collector and it means something real.

She is also quite the socialite in town and often hosts events in her home.

I was able to attend one about a year and a half ago, and listen to lecture given by a woman who wrote books about some of the founding mothers of contemporary art.

At said party, we were encouraged to socialize and eat little treats etc...

that was when I saw my artwork on the wall!

It was a thrill and then a HORROR as I realized I had not signed my work!

I thought about all night and when I wrote my thank you card, I mentioned that I would love to return for five minutes and sign the work. 

No response...so all this time it has set in my heart as a failure on my part.

Well, last night there was another meeting at the home of the hostess once again!

I daydreamed about remedying the situation but tried to fall on the side of 

" it is her artwork now, leave it be"

The home and art collection on display was beyond impressive once again

Yoko Ono work

Pretty little canapes were out in a rainbow of colors

I socialized and got a hot flash...

I saw a friend and asked if there was a cooler room that she had discovered. 

She mentioned the hostess's office which was open for visitors 

to see the continued art collection.

I met a woman in this room whom I chatted up while cooling off...

we admired the same work and talked about what we loved about certain pieces

I asked if she was an artist

 (this event was hosting artists, curators, museum directors, gallery owners and art writers)

She was and asked if I was as well

I mentioned that my artwork was just in the other room

She asked to see it.

When I looked at it my heart sank...and I mentioned to her that I had forgotten to sign it...

She grabbed it off the wall and said "do it now!"

I giggled and eagerly took the frame into the adjoining room and opened it up and popped out the mat and signed the work. Then just as quickly, popped it back into the frame and locked it all back up. She was by my side the whole time telling me how common it is to forget to sign work...

and that the collector would want me to.

After my act was done, she asked if I could breathe...

I said..."so deeply" it was like my work was a whole piece in a collection now.

I felt vindicated 

and a bit PUNK ROCK

Thankful Thursday

Yesterday I continued a tradition that was started many many many years ago

 and went almost forgotten until recently.

I introduced my niece to yoga.

My Aunt introduced me to her yoga practice many moons ago when I was 10 years old.

I mostly remember falling asleep on the living room floor.

That gently blossomed into me finding yoga again in college and then 

practicing in Nepal and then again before I was married

and as a newlywed.

Then it fell away until three years ago and now I don't think I will forsake it again.

I introduced my nephew first...we do yoga (a few poses) when he spends the night, 

before he plays video games and when we go for exploration walks.

Yesterday as part of my nieces "graduation to Jr. High" school gift, 

we attended a class together.

She is 12 and now old enough to attend a level 1 class with an adult.

(I was that adult, hahaha)

I picked her up and asked if she was excited about it or nervous.

She said she was both, I told her I was too, so we could be beginners together.

We arrived early so we could get her signed into class.

She signed the forms in big round letters that spelt out her first name

 and only the first initial for her last name,

thus beginning her week of free yoga.

I showed her the locker room 

(part of my plan was to introduce her to a locker room before starting Jr High school)

I gave her a tour of the changing area,I showed her where the hair bands were, the q-tips and lotions. I pointed out that there were tampons on the backside of the toilet, in case someone got their period.

Hairdryers and kleenex all for use.

She picked out our locker, we stored our clean clothes for after class and headed to the studio to wait for the class to begin.

We chatted a little before the teacher showed up and watched all the other people arrive into class.

She followed along, exploring the quiet moments, and watching me for pose ques.

It was surreal for me...this little girl was becoming a teenager before my vary eyes.

We compared how sweaty we got...smiled at each other and did yoga!

After class, she was in a good mood and we headed back to the locker room.

There were women in various states of undress...

I told her I was going to take a shower, and asked if she wanted to as well...

she opted out (which I expected) and I gave her the key to the locker and told her which shower I was in and to meet back at the locker when she was done changing. 

She changed in a toilet stall.

I only freaked out a little when the locker room got really quiet when I was rinsing off...and I wanted to call out her name to see if she was still there...but decided that I was going to treat her like a grown up and let her be. 

She was on the bench next to the locker on her ipod when I walked over from the shower.

I got dressed and asked what she was doing and if she felt okay after class.

We thanked the teacher after class and walked to get her a smoothie....

As we were returning to the car I turned and saw this...

I had my camera on the wrong setting, but you get the idea:

It is happening!

It is all fun and games...

It is all fun and games until your doctor says:

 "perimenopausal" 

multiple times in a visit.

Time is marching on and I am apparently aging, regardless of my 

inability to believe it.

Tired at mid-day= besides waking up at 4am daily...

you are gonna find that it takes longer to recover.

Periods acting weird, even on a BCP= you are 46, we are seeing signs of perimenopause

night sweats= perimenopause

pissed off at what I am saying= perimenopausal

That spot I need to burn off your face= stupid things you did as a teenager, now you will pay for it!

They say aging is a gift, I understand that 

I believe that

I am thankful for still being able to walk this earth...

Aging, the process is a mystery and many facets are mysterious

I need to corner people and ask questions...

I need information!

Apparently, even though I feel like an awkward 17year old on the inside

I am still a 46 year old on the outside

sigh

Laughter in funny places

I was in line at Target the other day and could hear a kid 

in COMPLETE meltdown mode.

Kicking, screaming... crying

Mom, trying to finish her tasks had the kid in the cart and was in 

the self check out line.

She was doing the "don't give the situation attention, it will only make it worse" technique

The result, was the little girl screaming and kicking in the cart the whole time

while mom and older sister finished their much needed tasks.

I was in a parallel line, choosing to be away from the sounds.

But....while in line I found myself laughing.

Out loud and carefree....

The couple in front of me, the cashier and the lady behind me looked at me for a reason.

I said " I am laughing because I am thankful I do not have to deal with that today.

One less drama for ME, YEAH"

At that everyone agreed and nodded and giggled to themselves.

The woman behind me said, 

" When I had my kids, that kind of thing was not allowed"

I said to her " sometimes people have bad days, clearly that little lady is having one. She is learning how to deal with it. I feel for mom, as clearly she is just trying to finish what she came her for..."

The older woman didn't really know how to react...

maybe she wasn't able to grasp the fact that a kid might have a bad day, 

and being uneducated on how to deal with the feeling, went strait to tantrum.

I completed my purchase, and left, hearing the crying fade as I left out the front doors.

It felt like I was choosing happy over drama.

But later I wondered...

Was I lacking empathy?

Was I gloating?

Kindness

I have decided to make a bigger effort to choose positive 

in my daily life....

I believe the power of one person can make a difference.

I have chosen to be more good

Believe in LOVE and Goodness

it is always bigger than hate

Endometriosis

Another member of the sisterhood!

My how things are changing, so many more women are open about their reproductive health and acting as cheerleaders for others...here is the newest:

http://www.msn.com/en-us/movies/celebrity/daisy-ridley-opens-up-about-endometriosis-in-empowering-instagram-post/ar-AAgRHt7?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

Politics, babies and my body

I'm here....

that latest round of colds, flus and colds hit this house hard....

and aside from some morning nausea I am back to "normal"

Politics:

I am so fired up about maintaining my rights; the rights of  my nieces and nephews,

 that I re-registered so that I could vote in the primary here in the States.

I was registered with a party that would only allow me to vote party line.

I needed to change that.

I am so upset, and frustrated with the casual misogyny, hate speak, fear mongering and general shit talk that I chose to not sit idyll and instead do what I could to make changes.

 I normally don't talk politics and this is as far as I will go...

I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it any longer

Babies:

I have two baby gifts in read to be packed up, as more people are preggers.

I would say I am pretty unfazed by it, but in all honesty, I haven't been around them while they are blossoming. What I did have a physical reaction to was a casual mention of an impromptu baby shower for a fellow artist...I felt my stomach clench and then race through the monologue of 

"I don't do baby showers, I am happy to send a gift but I am not going to attend"

I decided that, that event has WAY too many triggers for me and so I choose to avoid them....

like the boogie man!

My body:

I stumbled on this project and there is a whole section on fertility, here is one with a statement about the portrait subject:

WHAT I BE PROJECT

As mentioned before, I am floating farther away from my sole identity as an infertile woman.

It is bittersweet...but I think a natural progression with age and peace. 

I have recently purchased a vintage photograph of a child.

It resonated in me when I saw it. 

So I bought it, and when it arrived I matted and framed it and added it to my personal altar. 

I allows me to see a manifestation of a child that makes me feel happy.

Like a moment from a daydream captured.

It has settled something in me.

Run over

So last week I was dead set on going back to yoga after missing the week because of my head-cold...and I arrived to my class on Friday with a sore stomach and feeling sweaty.

I brushed it aside to peri-menopausal symptoms and that I ate too much cabbage the night before.

Plus now I am convinced that the heated room 

and a good sweat can solve all coming cooties and ickies.

I got settled into class, and I started to feel dizzy...

OK move slow...

then the face-down poses started and the pressure on my stomach was not good....

then the standing was iffy, then the forward fold...

and a "wet burp". 

I calmly walk out of class and await the following...nothing. 

Performance anxiety

I try and return to class to finish and it is made PERFECTLY CLEAR

 that is not going to happen!

Defeated, I roll up my mat, take my cold sweaty body to the showers, 

get dressed and head to work....

Wrong choice number 2

I am able to stay for about an hour, 

before I need to get into my car to head home.

Along the drive I think of all the errands I still need to do...

and then I head a voice in my head.

"take care of yourself, don't do anything but go home"

I reason with myself that I can take the mail the following day to get postage...

I make it home to see the neighbor walking his toddler and newborn, he looks up at me as I am exiting my car and says hey how ya doing? 

I say " I'm sick keep a distance" 

he says yeah, I'm trying to keep her head out of it, 

she just tossed all down the front of me, 

referencing the swaddled newborn he was attached to. 

I suddenly image the smell of curdled milk....

I made it in the house, up the stairs and to the bathroom just in time to lose it....

The rest of the day was spent shivering, 

sweating and sleeping until The Barren made it home from work 

with anti nausea medicine and saltines.

He rescued me once again.

Why do I go into details?

If I had a child this would have been made SOOOO MUCH MORE complicated

I was thankful that I just needed to deal with me that day

as I could barely do that.

This last weekend was spent recovering

Then....

The Barren started to not feel well again, we have  

both been battling something for the last two weeks!

Now he is headed off to the doc as his cough is sounding different 

and keeping sleeping at bay.

I joked with a friend that 46 is HARD

I got to be a birthday girl for three days and then I got sick!

Can I call a do over?

Then after this last weekend I told The Barren that I was in 

metamorphosis and that I am gonna be one DAMN fine butterfly

when this was gone.
I refuse to let everything lead to something bad any longer!

Time has passed and I am growing it seems

So I haven't posted in a while...I am not completely sure why.

Barbara Kruger's artwork
"Have me Feed me Hug me Love me Need me"

I spent the month of April visiting art museums....The Barren declared the whole month would be spent art gazing, and I was not going to argue with that logic! Plus he said it was the perfect way to celebrate my birthday....so we did.
It was amazing and inspiring and wonderful. We were able to break him free of work on most of those weekends and just enjoy wandering galleries and talking about thoughts that the art inspired.

Quite beautiful

I forgot Infertility Awareness week...I am aware of our infertility, and so are most of our friends....it didn't seem like something I needed to soapbox this year. So I didn't

I celebrated my birthday quite quietly. I made myself a cake and ate a piece the eve of my birthday. I went to yoga in the morning and didn't tell anyone and then at the end of class someone wished me a happy birthday and throughout the week, I was surprised with birthday wishes....it was sweet.

I then got my annual cold and spent the week following my birthday laid out like a shivering, stuffy nosed sloth under the covers. This cold triggered me getting my period a week early-even while on birth control and now next week I get my period again....that is if this period stops first.
sigh

My bestie made it through (OK I made it through) her month residency and made a SHITLOAD of artwork, but also missed her husbands cooking as the food provided was less than stellar and mostly tater tots. I am complaining for her....hahaha she'd never complain.

I have landed firmly in 46.
I don't seem fazed by it and that is great with me.
My mother had her knee replaced at 44 and the fact that I am still not there is a MAJOR highlight of a milestone in personal goals.

Mother's day is looming, but my mom made plans and she said they are declaring it Sunday.
I think she is doing that to make me feel better, and I am thankful for that too....

I think that I am mostly settling into who I am meant to be now...post-infertility.
I discover something new about what I do and don't want, what I can actually do...and often give myself permission to go forward with that train of thought.
Recently, friends are talking about stressful kid scenarios and I just look at The Barren and say
"Not jealous of that!"
That is HUGE for me, for us....

Day Three

My bestie got a residency here and is going to be gone for almost a month.....

out of range and texting and distractions.

I am thrilled for her, and I know she will excel with the time away from family responsibilities and work drama. She needs this time, her artwork needs this time.

It is only day three,

 and I am finding myself and the inability to connect with her at any time challenging.

We normally text each other everyday

I spoke with her the night before she left and wished her well and told her to have a super fun time!

Inside I was crying, and it felt like when we were headed to different colleges.

I will miss her greatly, but can not wait to see what she makes while away.

The Barren took me into the big city to see an exhibition I had been dreaming of seeing since I was a teenager...it was a good distraction and inspiring and offered some real time with him.

Such beautiful, moving work

I was reminded of my own darkroom practice, 

my desire to make images that move, confuse, and connect with people.

I cried a few times viewing the work.

Not only remembering my own days gone by, 

but seeing this brilliant artist disappear before my eyes in his self portraits.

Mortality and disease

We ate a lot on our day out and away, 

I even indulged in some vegan "junk food"

eating a mac n cheeze pizza!

it did have broccoli on it, in my defense

The following day was spent on site with a project I am the photographer for.

We were out in the hills and outside all day.

I almost stepped on a snake

picture of snake "walking away" from me and my foot

I have since been editing and distracted until today....today I am floating.

I will work on art for the next few days. The Barren has been working way too many hours, both at work and working at home. He is stressed and it appears that tickets we had to secure almost three months ago will go unused for another weekend getaway, as his work clients are a big drama queen.

With his extended hours and my desire to maintain a studio practice and my second job schedule and early yoga classes, we are now not often able to spend time together until the weekend...at best.

Our schedules are almost opposite of one another.

I got a text from him this morning:

" at work...feeling a bit sad and lonely. : (

hope you are doing OK"

I was nearby and offered to swing by for a hug and a kiss and a cuddle,

but he was in between meetings and couldn't break away, even for a moment.

I am thankful that we still check in with each other.

Relationships take work, everyday.

I never take that for granted, and neither does he.

I make dinner every night for us, making sure that there is always a homemade meal 

at the end of a pressure ridden day. 

Something made with care.

We see each other at this time and shortly there after I am off to bed 

and he is still too wound up to sleep.

So we meet on the weekends.

My relationships super sucks right now, 

but I an hopeful and know that many aspects are temporary. 

The dreams continue....

I am still being submerged in dreams of my child that never came to be...

I saw this and it made me weep and be thankful that I am able to watch this
and keep my chin high
and my heart open
to still thinking about a child that I never got to hold...
and still thinking about what I desired for them

I have grown stronger 

Dreams have returned

So it appears that my pregnancy dreams have returned.

I awoke last week shaken to the core from a dream about our 

baby's spirit being taken by something evil.

I was conflicted in the dream by wanting it to be born so I could hold it, 

protecting it from evil

Protection won out in the end!

I told The Barren and he told me that a pure soul can not be 

taken by evil, as it would have to recognize it as evil to begin with.

or something like that...I had tears in m ears as I laid in bed in the dark of the morning.

I then had another dream that I was heavily pregnant and trying to simply move about.

I am not sure why these dreams have returned.

Why I need to re-live them AGAIN

I am seeking that answer

I am stuck in a creative rut as well...

and maybe they are connected.

Maybe I am really pregnant with ideas but afraid to make them appear.

I'll go with that for now.

It is less sad

and 

heartbreaking

Victory

I am not sure if I had anything to do with it....

but The Earl mentioned that my niece and nephew 

will most likely be getting the Gardasil vaccine.

I feel like I've survived through the battle of logic.

I would like to think, that all the information that I passed along to him from 

SOOOOOO many sources was of help.

I don't need credit for it...

Honestly...all that really matters is that

 my dear nieces and nephew are going to be protected.

I can sleep better with that knowledge.

Thank you for your kind words and help....

I knew I could count on you sisters!

xoxox

How can I....

So my brother (The Earl) asked me if I knew anyone who had inoculated their kids with Gardasil.

My heart started racing....

He then followed it with that his wife (The Countess) did not want to give it to their daughter....my niece!

She had seen that a girl got sick after the shot and now has totally shut down to the idea of giving my niece the shot. The Earl is researching online and asking people he knows.

I am being as neutral as possible, 

but inside I am SCREAMING! 

and wanting to slap some sense into The Countess or The Earl.

I have asked my granola friends, and my conservative friends, 

I have asked doctor friends and total strangers...and forwarded their responses to The Earl.

All of which have chosen to protect their sons and daughters from

 either transmitting or contracting HPV

It seems totally logical to me 

and being someone who had more than one cancer scare

knows people who have HPV and had cervical cancer

I don't seem to see the logic in avoiding any kind of protections

from this horrible disease that can ultimately KILL you!

I have stayed mum with my personal opinion 

as I know that I might get the "it is not your child" 

thrown back in my face during a heated and or emotional moment.

I don't think they are avoiding it because they can not imagine her being sexually active, 

but instead are simply scared of vaccinations.

Mind you they have gotten all the others....

What can I do

How can I speak or advocate for my nieces and nephews

without getting slapped?

Should I expect a slap...and just deal with it?

Should I risk my relationship with my SIL and brother...

Sign

How can I help?

Things I can do

So I have been busy with my personal self created to-do lists. 

Top on that list was (see I did it) updating my personal artist website.

My old website was managed and maintained by a friend...and by friend I mean ex-boyfriend.

I maintain a relationship with my ex, it has been over 25 years now.

The Barren has zero issue with this, and I am beyond thankful that one of the many fine qualities is that he understands that people mean something to me, and that my past comes with me.

 So having a relationship with my ex totally makes sense to him and he respects that.

We (ex and I) decided long ago that we could not throw away all the time we had spent together,
 so we would stay friends, plus it was the adult thing to do. 

I know that this is quite unique and makes some people very uncomfortable...but that is just a fact.

He decided to sleep with someone else, so I left him (had to get a jab in there somewhere)

 I met The Barren about 6months there after.

I am not going to say that we had a perfect relationship, or that this friendship has not be hard at times, but we both feel it is worth maintaining it.

We were young and said hurtful things, I lost myself in the process. Some of what was done/said has taken a long time to grow past or let go of...but time marched on and we seem to always go to one another for some sense of support or creative guidance.

His partner (the same one he was with when we were together) had a hard time getting on board with it, but has come to understand that this friendship is not going anywhere 

and it is not a threat to them or her.

Over the years the ex has helped me make creative decisions, and is a good editor and creative sounding board and reference guide. We help each other out with creative things as we seem to understand each other that way still.

I had been wrestling with website design options and he stepped in and researched all the pros and cons of each, helping me see the highlights of them. I get overwhelmed with minute details and he helped clear that up.

We had decided to met face to face to discuss the final player/options and styles etc...at a coffeehouse he'd never been to before...I had been emailing and texting with him constantly but had not seen him face to face in over two years! 

When the time came for us to meet, he was no where to be found...

I could feel my heart pounding and all these feeling from when I was a teenager came back...

he is blowing me off

he "forgot"

his partner had a tantrum and he is not coming

I texted The Barren and asked how long to wait...he responded that the ex is notoriously late, and to give it a half an hour. I paced in my mind while trying to maintain my composure in my seat...slowly sipping tea. When the half hour mark arrived I slowly packed up my things and decided to walk around the block, thinking I'd catch him just arriving or check another nearby coffee house that maybe he was there instead.

Turns out that he was, at another location...the first one we talked about meeting at...but changed from that place to the new one.

When he saw me, he gave me a look that made me feel like a silly 19yr old again...he was disappointed, frustrated and convinced that I had gotten it all wrong.

I took a deep breath maintained a smile and said, "I'm glad we found each other."

He said he had looked into the coffee shop I was waiting in but, didn't dare enter it as he had never been there before. So he returned to the original local assuming I'd be there.

(I was sitting at a table that was blocked by a stone column so he could not see me from the outside).

We walked back to the coffee shop I had just left, in time for me to continue finishing my tea (they hadn't even cleared the cup and pot yet)

He sat down and we began to catch up a little. I mostly listened, he was nervous and it was awkward...needless to say we chatted and switched to a smaller table when we realized we didn't need a wall plug as originally thought.

 The morning sun was out and beaming me right in the eye and side of my face...making me sit back farther and farther..the ex noted that he could see the sun beaming me, but that he was in the shade and so didn't stop conversation, it did make me realize a simple and sweet thing about The Barren*

The talk of the website was minor, as I had most of my ideas clearly set and when I had had enough of the sun and the conversation had turned to filler I offered to drive him home, so he didn't have to walk back. We drove back to his place, I dropped him off at the curb and waved goodbye.

I then proceeded to go home, set up my account, and begin designing the new website.

In the last week it has formed into a completed vision, that I made all on my own.

The kick start was a rough one, mostly filled with self doubt over my abilities, 

but that turned out to be smoke and mirrors and trick doors.

I even designed a new name logo....

I sent a link to the ex last night declaring that it was live, and he responded that it looked great!

I was quite proud of myself.

I feel as though I am free from a shadow.

Like his control over my web presence is no longer over me...

I have taken back control over me again.

I doubted my abilities but I was wrong....

I can do it, and well at that!

*The Barren always makes sure I am out of the sun, if I was at this table with The Barren, we would have packed up and moved to another with no words or fuss...just a matter of fact and no pause in conversation.

It is amazing how things from many years ago can still feel so fresh and accessible in our hearts.  

The ex has never wished any ill will on me and always expressed his desire that nothing come in my way, so I continue to pursue my art...in fact when I told him I was getting married, he wanted to make sure that The Barren would never snuff out my artistic desires or freedom of motion.

Then declared he was off to join the French foreign legion...hahaha

When I told him I couldn't have kids, he sent a sweet note that it was super sad, and wished it would be different for us.

He broke my heart 25 years ago, but in the middle of it all I had the strength to march onward with my head held high and find myself again and the person I was meant to spend my lifetime with. 

I am thankful, he in turn found his life mate too.

We have grown since then, said a lot of "I didn't mean that" and versions of "I'm sorry" and can now joke about things...

at least I can, in fact I still refer to a painting he gave me when we broke up as
"what I got in the divorce settlement"

I can hold my head up high, feel smart and do things without hesitation.

I can do all these things!