Three Glasses...and some salad

**gloomy post***

I'll own it

I stayed at home all day for mother's day

Hiding, avoiding, and not feeding into the day.

I didn't get any calls, or cards or mementos 

I am not a mother after all

I did send cards to a few friends/family members wishing them a happy Mothering day.

It was easier to send the cards this year than it has been in the past.

I got them weeks ahead of time and so it was simply adding a few words of love and a stamp

My mother was home sick, so I didn't have the pressure of visiting her either.

Since then, I have been working slowly on my own work

doing practice as often as I can

fighting off colds/bugs by doing practice and sleeping.

I haven't been thinking about much really these days and I think that is an issue.

I am in a slump

I am fighting comparing myself to others

fighting self worth issues 

and body issues

I bowed out of a few social events recently, just saying I wasn't able to make them

and not going to them seemed easier than trying to pretend to be present.

This last weekend was a social one that I couldn't bow out of.

Starting with a girls dinner at a neighbors place.

I was anxious about going but I put on some mascara and went and played the mantra, 

have fun, relax over and over in my head.

I was relaxed and having fun, until the second group of ladies showed up 

and I realized that there was another full uterus, the hostess being the other.

Then another woman came in glowing and throwing her hand into everyone's face 

saying, hug me I just got engaged.

I looked at a friend and said, I think I'll take that glass of wine now.

She smiled and in my mind the place suddenly filled with pregnant women.

In reality there were two out of 10

As intoxication was reached, I participated in a dress swap and was able to get a lovely 70's disco queen dress that I had admired from a friend and she in exchange was gonna get a dress that was washed and now too short for my taste.

 Then a slow walk home, 

texting The Barren that I was drunk and walking home.

On arrival I fell onto the couch and The Barren arrived soon after, smiling and happy that I was drunk and in an OK mood.

Sunday was another social event, and I was super anxious.

I adore the women from this group but I always have this feeling that I am the fat girl

I get a once over (full body up and down glance) before the hug hello

it sucks!

I am meant to feel like I need to be doing more, making more, exhibiting more, being more aggressive or MORE....

I was the driver for this event, and so I only had a single glass of wine and salad

Socializing was mellow and free flowing but I became self conscience many times over when people asked about what I ate and didn't eat.

I remember saying at one point, I have a strange and treacherous relationship with food now.

I think I said it enough under my breath to avoid additional questions.

It is true though.

I try and enjoy what I eat, constantly making efforts to only eat and make healthy choices but recently most food has some measurement on a self imposed guilt scale. 

I fantasize about eating a chocolate croissant and a cup of black tea with sugar...or a poached egg in a bowl of noodle soup.

Ugh this all just sucks....

I need to find a way to escape this latest encampment in this place....

it isn't black and doom and gloomy

but thick enough to make me stop in my tracks.

Silent reminders

I am a big fan of Frida Kahlo and her work

She was an artist that unlocked my ability to be empathetic with and personally identify with.

I know she is quite a popular iconic image of woman now, but her story is often glossed over or only bits are highlighted. She was a rebel, a poet, an artist and a strong unapologetic woman.
Ones story doesn't need to be the same to be empathetic, it just resonates deep inside.

She contracted polio at the age of 6 and then at the age of 18 was horribly injured in a trolley accident and it left her with life long problems

including infertility.

I  remember seeing her painting in college and thinking I understand this pain...I understand her.

Her work is visceral and heavy and beautiful in expressing pain.

When I started to make work about my infertility, I often sought solace in the work she made. 

Almost like a mentor, a moral support cheerleader

I can be brave like her.

It is on my list to visit her home she shared with Diego Riveria

Every so often there will be an article about the museum finding things in the home, that they never noticed before...

recently they uncovered a whole room of Frida's belongings.

and they are now in museum displays.

It is a beautiful showcase of not only the woman's style, but her desire to decorate herself and her things....marking them as hers. Owning them.

It is eerie, but oh so beautiful

HERE are the best photos I could find of the recent displays

Aches and Pains

I had a pretty crappy nights sleep, 

between being a pillow/couch for the cats (that seem to triple their weight when asleep) 

and a couple night hot flashes it was a rough night.

I felt achy and sore and old.

I sometimes suffer from a ligament thing in my chest, where it feels like the fibers in my chest are being pulled away from my sternum and it makes simply having boobs painful.

This morning was one of those mornings. 4am and the alarm is going off next to the snoring Barren and I sat up and said my morning thank yous for waking up and pulled my butt and sore boobs outta bed, avoiding the bedside table that I have already walked into and gotten in impressive bruise from and the cats on the floor who now have been "activated" into feed me mode and started a new day.

I am trying another new thing...wake up and say thank you.

Start the day with gratitude....regardless of what lays past that in the road for the day....

start with a moment of  "wow, I woke up and I'm not dead today!"

I met with a friend the other day to talk about her ideas for her new business launch and how she would like me to help. She is an all around nutrition, exercise, massage, reiki master kind of gal.

She is re-inventing herself...re-imagining what she wants for this stage of her life.

I was mesmerized and in awe of how clear and sure she was...

I aspire to be clear like that for myself.

I am still treading through some murky waters...

but work every day to clear that fluid of grey matter.

She is tending for her mother who is deep into Alzheimer disease

She is still pleasant and able to have a conversation, she is not able to be alone

My friend has come to a point where she is trying to reclaim some time for herself, in preparation for a long road with a mother who might be around a while but is not aware of who she is at all anymore.

I also got a series of emails from another friend, telling me the horribly sad news of our mutual art  teacher from high school...we all hold him dear in our hearts and he just had a stroke that was triggered by his unknown fatal cancer.

Hospice is with him now and his wife has advocated for him to exit under his conditions.

They are a love story...

One their first date he brought her a corsage

she ate it

he was in love from that moment on

Ironically, someone asked them once why they never had kids, 

apparently they tried but had the RH factor and there was no treatment at the time.

Needless to say, I have had many calls in just as many days with my bestie...she and I were both his students and he is always in conversations still.

The friend that forwarded me the emails sent a sweet note to me that I think sums it up:

" I've had my fill of illness and saying goodbye recently. I'm realizing that 50 is really just the beginning of so many good byes. I treasure you dear friend"

I think we are experiencing growing pains

The aches and pains of reality as we are given this gift of aging.

Reflections on a birthday

I got super emotional in the two days before my birthday. 

Someone texted me asking if I was really excited about my upcoming birthday and I responded with: "I'm in flux, in the middle of some kind of personal change, so I'm emotional and panicky"

Do you ever get that way?

My mom came over the next day, we spent time together just going to thrift shops and chatting.

 It was what I was looking for. 

A day of no real commitments and let my brain run loose.

I was having a REALLY hard time deciding what I wanted to do on the actual day. It seemed to really peeve The Barren and my parents, who clearly wanted some guidance on the matter.

I just was too spun mentally...but wanted to make a decision about it.

I even got a rejection letter that day and it left me un-phased

My black and white cat served as a therapy cat for her, she recently lost her beloved male cat and finds spending time with mine comforting. 

My kitty is glad to oblige, especially when brushing is involved:

She was still hanging out when I decided I would make my own birthday cake.

On my actual birthday, I made myself a crazy vegan cake, 

and invited nearby friends to come and share in the sugar!

recipe here

IT WAS AMAZING
Vanilla cake (I added orange zest) and vanilla frosting

My bestie sent me a little love package and it made me laugh!

Copper colored wooden clogs!

with a divot for my big toe

Fancy Smancy

I put on a fancy new dress I got just for my birthday, 

and greeted peeps as they arrived.

Everyone got cake and ice cream 

My parents parked themselves on the couch and didn't move for 5 hours!

It was strange at times, and quiet and I reminded me of a proper Victorian sitting room where everyone sits in their own chairs and has conversations in a circle...each waiting for their turn.

hahah

very proper...

When the friends fanned out, my brother arrived with his wife and kids and we all left for a restaurant that could seat 9 easily...it was outdoors and I got to watch the sunset display beautiful colors between the clouds and sky.

My nephew then provided dinner entertainment as he is just barely aware of the power of appendages and spilled the first two glasses of lemonade that were brought to the table.

Later in the evening while explaining something else, he knocked over 6 glasses at one time soaking his baby sister at the end of the table in ice cubes and ice tea.

This second act, had me laughing so hard...the best part was that he said:

"wow that was almost like dominoes"

I agreed and continued to laugh

I think I was the only one that saw the humor in his loosey goosey arms...

He took out well made plans, 

He upset the order of things

and left me laughing

I loved it!

Life is like that.

Eve'of

This is the eve of my 45th birthday.

What an amazing gift this is!

I have made it this far,

although it has not always been smooth sailing

I have made great efforts to see past pain, 

figure out how to better myself, 

how to give more, 

how to be more compassionate and empathetic.

I am thankful that:

My body has carried me across paths I hadn't planned to take, 

my lungs have provided enough air to cry and laugh.

My eyes have given me vision to distance myself or move closer.

My voice has always been there to speak up. 

I look forward to seeing new amazing sites

Feeling deep, lovely new feelings

Smiling a lot easier

and sleeping more peacefully.

I am here, and on the edge of great new possibilities for myself

funny for today

Niece

My niece just celebrated her 11th birthday!

I think I am still in shock

*Sigh*

I remember rushing the the hospital when my SIL was in labor and thinking, maybe I will be here next, tucked away in a labor and delivery room while everyone else waits on our child's arrival.

We had her little brother over the night before the party, for an overnight and a marathon session of Minecraft with his uncle. We ate and gamed and then loaded him into the car for the party...working hard to keep him awake along the 45minute drive home.

My niece had only a few friends over, although she invited her entire class of 30+ kids, only 9 or so said they'd come. It ended up being a good small party where she was not so overwhelmed that she could be social with everyone, including the two boys that came. 

I introduced myself to every kid as the birthday girls Auntie 

which seemed to make them all feel at ease.

It was a 50's theme and I took photos 

 Since all these kids grew up around camera phones, no one had an issue having their photo taken, or their activities documented.

Most of them posed anytime the camera was anywhere near my face.

In fact, they were so relaxed that when they had a trivia question, they asked me first:

Was Michael Jackson's music popular in the 50's?

I held it together and explained that he wasn't, and that he didn't start singing until the 60's with his brothers in the Jackson Five. 

No one danced but it was a social peek into the mind and body language of tween.

When it was time for pin the tail on the donkey, my niece did a clothing change and came out in her skinny jeans, mini heels and tank top, still sporting her eye liner and lipstick that her mom applied earlier. My brother and hubby took a deep sigh, as this was the moment when she started looking like a teenager, a heartbreak, someone they need to worry about, someone who was suddenly becoming themselves, or trying to.

I remember 11, I was beyond awkward. Self-assured, but shaky in my convictions.

Not this lady....she is sturdy in her beliefs and self.

When it was time to have cake she posed with her cupcakes and kids descended on them like they hadn't just eaten the hamburgers and french fries and milkshakes my brother and SIL had just fed them. I have been given the great pleasure of making the birthday cakes for all of my brothers kids. Since birth!

I explained to them that I would not be able to make cakes for my own kids and that this would give me so much pleasure....and save them cash...so whether it is one dozen cupcakes or four dozen cupcakes I am your girl! Plus I also make a personal cake for the birthday kid, to do with what they wish. When the kids were little little they were able to put their fist in the cake or face in the cake and enjoy it in their own way, while their guest could enjoy a booger free cupcake of their own. 

Free from cooties and saliva.

My nieces cake was presented on an vinyl album, and made to look like a record.

Her request, and the cake was chochochocholate, with chocolate chips inside the cake.

She tore it apart and ate it with a fork, but the pleasure was in dismantling it as she saw fit.

She is 11 now, and it feels like time is speeding up

Maybe it is that I am more present, or she is more mature 

either way, 

I just hope she can always be true to herself, 

and talk openly with me when she needs something 

big or small, like what she wants next years cake to look like.

Women of a certain age

My birthday is around the corner and while speaking to my mother, 

I expressed that I had no problem with my age. 

I explained that in my mind, this milestone number 

will release me from all sorts of things...

but mostly THE PEP TALK statement 

" there is still time to try and have kids, don't give up!"

I am done with people telling me to not give up, keep trying

and that there is still time.

I am actually feeling kind of soapboxy about it lately.

 I've spent years waiting, trying and watching life go by 

as I pinned my hopes on something that wasn't going to happen.

Actually now is the time to LIVE

I don't want to give up on me, on us, on what we still have left!

My mother seemed a little emotional about my revolutionary call to arms. 

I see her watch me ever so closely when I have a little rant or rave. 

I have done this since I was a child...but not until recently was I ever really heard 

( that took loads of therapy to figure out)

So when I see her watch me, I see her witnessing her reality of time 

and how long ago she was 

a young (she was 22 when I came into being) mom 

and all the hopes and dreams she had for me.

She declared " this is quite a milestone for you then isn't it"

I changed the subject, as I didn't want her to become a puddle of tears.

We then talked about our daily practice of our power poses, was she doing her "wonder woman"?

We had seen a TED talk together all about changing your mindset by simply holding these power poses for 2-5 minutes a day or before a big stressful event.

I have been trying to "re-educate" my mother on her feminist theory as it seems to be slipping away as she ages. Reminding her that she still possesses power and a valid voice.

I told her I had come across

a photo of myself that my grandmother had, that had me in this same pose.

I have been holding this pose for decades, 

I was meant to be strong

resourceful

powerful and brave!

I am going to be a 45 year old woman!

who still wants to be Wonder Woman

Grow a pair

Source

In the mornings that I practice, I usually arrive early so that I can clear my mind and warm up with the room to a toasty 100* of so.

I usually lie on my back, and crack it by swinging my legs to the right and left, keeping my shoulders on the floor...it feels really good first thing in the morning.

Once cracked and adjusted back into line I lay with my hands on my ovaries.

Almost like I am protecting them, or shielding them from outside elements.

At first it was a motion I did without thought, involuntarily.

One morning, while settling in, I realized what I was doing and wondered why?

Was it from the years of poking them?

The years of requiring them to preform for us?

The years of extreme pain they caused me, like I was trying to get them to

 "relax and settle down there cowgirls!"

I don't have an answer for it.

 But... while browsing the vast information highway of the internets 

I stumbled on these fine ladies

I felt inspired and proud to see these modern revolutionary feminists!

After reading their mission statement and vision I was smiling.

Womyn making change in the world

**applause**

I will now rethink the power of my ovaries, 

they are mighty

that are big 

and I don't need no fucking balls!

It is the weekend...make these

I have been battling a serious sweet tooth, which has me eating pasta and craving sweets...so I found a recipe that I thought I would try....let's just say I have made them twice now...

OMG, 

like having the most sparkly, magical, decedent, wonderful thing

 sitting on your kitchen counter!

I have been searching for an easy go to dessert to make when fruit or frozen banana "ice cream" just won't cut it. 

I tried a faux cheese cake and used like $15 in nuts and it just gave me a stomach ache....

then I found a recipe on Hell Yeah it's vegan and... 

JUST MAKE THEM!!!

You'll never know they were vegan....really, honest, truly...for reals!

Molasses Chocolate Chip Cookies Author: Claryn 

Ingredients:

 ¾ c + 2 Tbsp granulated sugar 

7 Tbsp vegan butter, softened 

3 Tbsp blackstrap molasses 

½ tsp vanilla extract 

¾ c bread flour 

½ c all­ purpose flour 

1 Tbsp cocoa powder 

1 tsp cinnamon 

½ tsp ground cloves ½ tsp ground ginger ½ tsp baking soda ½ tsp baking powder 

¼ tsp salt 

¾ c vegan chocolate chips 

Instructions 1. Preheat oven to 350F. 2. In a large bowl, cream together sugar, vegan butter, and molasses. 3. Beat in vanilla extract. 4. In a small bowl, sift together flours, cocoa, spices, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. 5. Beat flour mixture into sugar mixture. The dough will be stiff. 6. Fold in chocolate chips. 7. Form dough into 2" balls and bake on a silicone baking mat or cookie sheet lined with parchment paper, 3" apart, for 8­10 minutes. 8. Allow to cool on cookie sheet 2-­3 minutes before transferring to cooling racks or counter. 9. Best enjoyed warm. 

Notes I bake mine for the minimum time because I love soft­baked centers; the longer time will yield crunchier cookies. Recipe by Hell Yeah It's Vegan! 

Really....

I saw this in the morning news stroll I do and it made me laugh out loud!

http://ktla.com/2015/04/15/mom-receives-angry-letter-from-friends-fed-up-with-constant-facebook-posts-about-her-baby/

Kitty Cats View

Exciting day of window watching today, 

new slurry being poured

Mementos of a weekend

Our first Sedar

I made it through! 

We made all the food in time, and was able to stuff the bellies of my parents with yummy food that was different and delicious.

The Barren made it home in time to cook the meat and fire up the BBQ for the fish and bones.

We worked together and made it happen.

My mother was beyond touched that I wanted her to do NOTHING but sit and enjoy a hot meal, 

my father got super emotional stating that he was deeply touched that The Barren embraced the rituals from day one with not an ounce of hesitation or question.

It was an emotional dinner

My table was set with dishes that we only use every once in a blue moon, because I love them so much, and we are like bears in the kitchen and break so many things. The candlesticks belonged to my great grandmother. They remind me of the Minoan snake goddess, and that makes me love them even more.  The tablecloth and napkins belonged to my grandmother, complete with stains from meals past. The matzo cover belonged to The Barrens grandmother, I am pretty sure it was not designed to be a matzo cover, but it is now and I am sure she is happy about it. The crocheted doilies were made by an adopted grandmother in Slovakia, as a wedding gift to us. 

It felt like I was calling all these loved ladies to the table to eat with us.

Have a hot Passover meal, put your feet up and let me spoil you.

This time of year

I decided when my mother asked if we could come over for a last minute holiday dinner that we would host the second night of the holiday at our home. Just the parents and The Barren and myself.

It will be the first time I have done this and frankly, it is exciting and scary and a little sad.

I have spent the last two days planning the meal and making accommodations for food preferences and restrictions and flavors.

I spent a good portion of last night and today going from shop to shop looking for very specific foods and goods, and have found that we do not live in a neighborhood that caters to a wide variety of ethnic goods.

I have brought it all home and put it in the fridge, and checked off all the items of the lists I made.

I am now making a timeline so that I know what to make when and time it all so that I can sit and enjoy the meal with the parents, instead of what my mother usually does which is sit for 30 seconds and then jump up to start the next item....never really engaging in conversation or being present.

All these years I was asked to do the same, so by the time the last member at the table got their dish of food, I was up with my mother/grandmother and readying the next course.

Sitting only for a moment to eat cooled soup.

I am gonna do it different.

I am the next generation, the one that has witnessed this ritual for 40+ years and wondered why gather all these people if you can't sit and talk with them.

I am not adhering to the strictest of the laws, or making sure EVERYTHING is specially made for the holiday. Instead I am making everything from scratch, with love and care and thought.

I think that is the most important part.

While I prepare for this meal and evening, I think about my grandparents and the grandparents before them, I think about the children that are not here to talk to about the holiday and 

why my we makes a big deal out of it. 

I think about how big the table of people use to be and how small it is now.

It is a strange sensation.

I am taking great pride in hosting this and carrying on a generations old tradition, yet, I am also

holding in secret, the sorrow in my heart for those that are not here.

Introspection

“Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.” 
― Tyler Knott Gregson

This was the quote read to us prior to practice.

it resonated with me

Hunger

So a few things have been happening, but ever so slowly.

I am currently in a two person show, the opening seemed quiet, and funky...

but my work is out there and ideally will catch someones eye.

I never want to bring home the same number of works that I took to the gallery.

Openings are usually the best chance in a show to sell work.

I got dressed up for the opening, it was hot for this time of the year...in the 80's and the atelier has no windows so that added to the heat index (lights, nerves and people in a small space)

I took a bus to the event as The Barren was meeting me there and we were gonna make a date of it afterwards. I was a little nervous and although there is no LOGICAL reason to be nervous,
 I still am every time.

I had a glass of wine beforehand, on an empty-ish tummy...and talked it out with The Barren.

While I walked to the studio, as The Barren was settling the tab, I noticed my name on a phone pole!

My image was on every pole within three blocks of the studio, I had never experienced this before:

it was like cool billboards- in mini form.

The gallery owner had done this.

How did I get this two person show?

There was an email sent out to an art group I am part of asking for artists to submit framed work for consideration if it fell into a particular theme.

I submitted and through some painfully awkward exchanges my work was selected.

When I asked the gallery owner why she chose my work she said:

" well it was you and this other artist and she made mushy colored stuff...so I picked yours"

Family and some friends attended and I am thankful for that as the evening rolled along slowly, and I was thankful for the lighthearted conversations and hugs.
My tummy was gurgling the whole time, the gallery had provided wine and a box of crackers....
I don't know about you, but I have learned that when you are eating at a public place, fingers and hands are dirty...and I was not going to eat from a bowl of booger fingered crackers.
grossss
I answered a lot of questions about process and materials and met a lot of people...all in all it was mellow and there was no reason to be concerned.
The Barren was patient and someone even asked him if he was Mr. Barreness...it was funny to hear my name used as his. He graciously answered yes.

I was quite hungry when the show time was over and
we decided to go to a public market and get some grub and grog there:

brew and Asian food

I was ravenous and we ended up getting noodles and it was perfect,
but really, I could have eaten a bathtub full of them by the time we sat down to eat....

It has been a slow start to the year for me.
I have been reflecting on it and quite frankly funds are a major part of not putting so much out there. Framing, shipping, return shipping, entry costs all add up sooooooooo fast.
I have become QUITE picky with what and who I send work to.

I am working slowly on new stuff and I am trying to figure out why I feel like
 wind has been taken out of my sails?!

What is making me so HUNGRY (figuratively) and
why am not feeling full when I find something I enjoy?

My apparent Achilles heel

Friday morning is a wild one.

My teacher on Friday is a guy who really loves 80's music.

He makes his own mixes and is a former gym rat so there is often some random cardio thing thrown into the normal rotation of salutations and poses.

Most mornings I giggle to myself remembering where I was or what life was like when I hear the songs. Mostly Jr High and High school...torment!!

The songs are often heavy on emotion and fluffy, ya know a good 80's John Hughes film kind of thing.

Last week he threw in a vintage Michael Jackson song:

http://youtu.be/yURRmWtbTbo?list=PL6F87DB8C3DF6BC47

I was amused and glad to hear an old school MJ song that I remember from childhood. 

I smiled during the flow and nodded my head, tapped my hands.

This morning though, this morning was different.

I got to class early, had a little small talk with the teacher about this cool article I saw, and sat in the room before class to warm up with the room.

I was breathing and thinking about how sleepy I still was, but was here to do my best.

I don't have to be good at it, I just have to do.

The class filled up, each of us in our places and we started the warm up...the music started and I felt a twitch. Then I started to smile...and I lost count of my breath.

What was happening?!

Over the speaker system was this song and then the dance mix of this song followed

Before I could do anything, she burst forth....

he had found my apparent Achilles heel and my inner 13 year old self could not contain her joy and glee and as I pressed into my down-dog she began to sing along with the music!!

She knew all the words and dance moves.

How embarrassing, she was totally embarrassing me....

I could see her dancing around the room to the song and singing to herself in her bedroom mirror.

I checked my reflection and although I was only mouthing the words 

 my inner teenager was making a scene ....

finally I just let her play 

Why was I trying to stop her?

I watched her set free her joy and it was amazing

Just because

Just because

source

Wild Heart

a kind of free thought post...

So The Barren is working elsewhere this week and I am home and left to my own devices.

I mention this because it accentuates the amount of time I spend alone.

My artwork naturally requires I work alone and often for hours on end...

I find myself talking to the cats and myself and then when I need to run an errand, 

I am HYPER social, 

to the point of me hearing my own voice and thinking:

 Who is that lady? She sounds like a cheerleader, all excited about a head a lettuce...

So I am almost always eager to stop working when The Barren arrives home and socialize with someone I adore and can answer me back .

This last weekend two of my girlfriends hubby's were out of town on a "boys weekend" and when The Barren heard this he said I am taking you all out.

At first, I was a little jealous, I mean he is mine! but then I thought about how they might feel that same kind of alone I feel during the week so I agreed.

It was a nice no pressure kind of night, the ladies were totally touched 

and we had a few drinks and some food.

When we went to pick up the first one, 

she said she was ravenous and then looked at me and said:

" I'm pregnant"

I was struck by how ballsy she said it, but then she expressed how she was kind of scared to tell me

and decided that she should just do it like a band-aid, and blurt it out.

The Barren was in a nearby room within earshot and said..."did I hear that right?"

I thanked her for telling us and that she did perfect.

The rest of the night had baby tentacles in the conversations of

 " my baby, and my body and when the baby comes"

She is 10.5 weeks and was bursting to tell people...so she told her closest.

I was touched and only lost myself in thought once...

when The Barren said: what was the name we had?

I shot him a look and he instantly realized he had walked on sacred ground.

I guess there will always be things I will not give up.

The rest of the night every time she mentioned baby things, I was thinking, thank goodness 

I am looking forward to watching them be parents...it will be awesome!

We quietly checked in with each other all night: you alright? need a break?

While sitting at a pre-party to our group date out, 

she mentioned that she blurted out her pregnancy to other female friends that are trying, and they were supportive...but I thought about them and their struggles up to now to become parents.

it was a wild heart kind of valentines.

Twists and turns and loop d loops

After we dropped off the ladies at a modest 9pm, we went home and got into PJ's and snuggled down.

I fell asleep first...very romantic.

 This week I am going to business meetings, practice and ideally get some office work too.

It is quiet now and leads my overwhelmed mind on divergent trails of thought...but I want to have a productive week, and not feel as though I am simply passing days until The Barren arrives home.

I spent a lot of time alone in my 20's traveling, and on one trip far far from home, when The Barren and I were dating, I sat down in this beautiful place, alone with a journal/sketchbook and thought

"it would be really nice to turn to someone and say isn't that beautiful?!"

I think that is when I knew I was ready to be with The Barren, 

because I wanted that someone to be him.

The amazing card I got on hearts day said the same to me.

My heart is full with love for that amazing man.

Thankful Thursday-Personal Goals

OK I am first to admit my personal goals are sometimes small and seem REALLY silly,

BUT

Today I met a personal goal.

I am in the middle of my period week, 

usually a day I am laid up and under the influence of a pain pill and bad television. 

Instead this morning, I got up and went to yoga.

It turned out that we had a substitute and it was a really challenging class, and I made it through.

I was in no pain, panting yes, but I didn't bleed out of my clothes and in fact I feel pretty darn alright!

I was even able to do a real version of this pose....

it has taken about a year and a half...and I might have been a little closer to the floor.....

but

my string bean arms are learning that I mean business and I want to be able to do a real push up. 

HELL YEAH!!

yoga love

I know that it looks like no big deal, but I am someone who has NEVER been able to do a push-up or pull-up so this turns out to be a BIG deal for me.

I am also happy to report that The Barren is still at it...

he is in his second week of running and I am so so so proud of him! 

I am reclaiming my body, I am dropping the protective layers I had built for so many years!

I am fine, I am whole...and getting stronger everyday.

Even when I feel unstable or unsure, I am growing stronger and more sure.

My feet are firmly planted on the ground.

10 years ago today, our goddaughter was born, and I attended the birth.

Watching her take her first breath, 

while trying to breath between my own mind-numbing menstrual pain.

three days later I was in the ER with a 10mm corpus luteum and a doctor asking us if we were done making babies. Our goddaughter had always been a marker of the start of the downfall.

 Last night we gave her a gift and listened to her tell us her birthday plans.

I was not remembering the pain or the sorrow...

I was lost in her joy.

We are slowing looking at other versions of ourselves. 

We are trying new things with our bodies and re-thinking our self-imposed restrictions.

This weekend is the anniversary of the day we asked each other to marry each other.

I am so thankful that my vision was so clear to ask The Barren to marry me.

I am so thankful that we are taking this journey together.

I am so thankful that we are each others cheerleaders.

I am so thankful