Ignore the woman crying about cheese

NOT my only wish....

OK so firstly, I am not gonna mince words here:

I am sad about food right now.

I am a foodie, and this last bit of veganism is hard and heartbreaking.

example:

this past weekend was a long one for many in the US, it was labor day 

this is my favorite visual to go with that day of thanks:

I live in an agriculture center, and so daily I am reminded of the many that are laboring much harder than me for the food that I eat. I made sure to point out to my niece and nephew what food is grown where, so when they pass those fields, they recognize it as food and become conscience of the people working so hard to bring it to our tummies.

That being said, when the Barren and I were thinking about what to make, BBQ and snack on this weekend, the Barren suggested a caprese salad...one of my favorites and it makes sense to suggest it as it was a go-to for SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long.

Except, this time when he mentioned it I began to cry; a sad silly cry...and then I became mad...at him for no reason and then suggested we just go home and I would eat the drywall instead.

I was possessed by a bitter, self-loathing demon, who wanted me to feel as horrible as possible about holding true to my health concerns and desire for self-preservation.

Thank goodness the Barren recognized this and simply let it all play out and then when I resurfaced and apologized for it, we went to the store for BBQ fixings.

He in his wonderful way, ended up putting soft cheese into the basket for himself...but did it with puppy-dog eyes of "I'm so sorry I am putting this in the basket, I know it haunts you"

We got home and when it was time to fix dinner he realized he got the wrong type of cheese for a salad and told me " I got the wrong kind" I said you got burrata huh?, it is creamy and super soft and delicious on toasted bread with tomato and basil...

He smirked and I just smiled and sighed.

I am having a hard time with this last stretch of vegan; dinner out is hard, dinner in is a constant dance of what to make, prepare and plan for. I'm exhausted from chopping veggies and reading recipes.

After a long day, it would awesome to have an option to just pick up dinner on the way home...but there is no real way to do that, and to add insult to injury, I have a soy sensitivity, so tofu or soy products are a no go for me... by sensitivity I will weigh the pros and cons of how intense a hot flash will be if I eat this or that.

So I am often eating soba noodles with veggies or a microwaved yam with peas and walnuts.

When my parents asked if we could do dinner together last night, as the Barren was working late, I just about burst into tears again...but instead said : I would love to but food right now is really complex and once I figure it out we will..I just have to work on it a little longer.

I have been trying the mantra: it is just food, you are fed the rest is decoration.

I went to an art opening last night and when three girlfriends asked if I would like to join them for dinner, I was ready to say thanks but no thanks...but it turns out they wanted to try a new VEGAN restaurant in town....I felt self conscience thinking they were suggesting it as they knew I was now vegan....but it turns out the place also serves gluten free which two of the three were sensitive to! 

We were a group of special food needs people, it was my tribe of particulars!

We all had a dinner together, I was able to relax and talk art with the others who are also artists and when the ordering happened I was not the only one asking what this or that was, everyone did! 

below are the obligatory food photos...in case you want to see what was tried.

top was gluten free the bottom was not...but both were vegan

STREET TACO. CACAO BLACK BEAN. JACKFRUIT ‘CHORIZO’. BLUEBERRY CHIPOTLE SALSA. CARAMELIZED ONION. HEIRLOOM TOMATO. SUMAC. JALAPENO SLAW  $10

BLACK BEAN, WALNUT AND GRILLED KALE BURGER. FLATBREAD. PEA TENDRIL. PICKLED WATERMELON RADISH. TARATOR LEMON TAHINI  $15  
the rings are breaded and fried preserved meyer lemons...weird salt/sour experience
the red smear was SUPER spicy chipotle sauce that had me gasping for air

I came home feeling a little less excluded from food culture...

Sunday Meditation

source

Thankful...beyond these little words

When my brother called me this last weekend he started by saying: So I just came back from the ER

I said what? you are joking right?

He said no and his voice began to crack...

this is the text I sent to my bestest:

Noon today: gunpowder flash, 8-10ft fireball, brother dropped and rolled, 

then drove himself to the ER.

Second degree burns, no damage to his eye, he sees the burn specialist tomorrow

When he started to describe what had happened, I blurted out : I am soooo thankful that you are calling.

then I went deaf, and I think my heart stopped...he needed to take another call at the same time 

and I asked him to call me back.

He called back and as telling me the details be began to cry and tell me how silly it was...and there is soooo much work and now he couldn't do any of it. I told him that there are many people to help and we want to help in any way we can....he heard me, I highlighted all the good from the outcome.

He was alive, he did not damage his eye, he did not burn his lungs...

when I hung up the phone after he assured me he did not need me to come over, our mom and his family was there to keep an eye on him,

I sat motionless, wanting to flee, but I chose to be present...shake and race around my mind.

Then I began to cry, as there was nothing I could do to "fix" the situation...

This was the most painful part for me...knowing he was in pain and sitting waiting for the next step.

Then I texted all my medical and doctor friends to see if anyone knew a burn specialist...

I got responses but none were referrals, well wishes instead...which was an easy reason to call him back and hear his voice again. He sent me a photo of himself so I could see his face...It was comforting, he was home resting and taking selfies...and running through the scenario over and over again...telling me his thoughts about it.

We are four and a half years apart and are now the closest we have been since childhood.

I called several times to see if he was sleeping, or needing anything.

..until I was soothed into a lull from my crazy monkey mind.

The Barren stayed with me, and simply sat and kept me company as I raced in my mind.

The following day was my nieces 1st birthday. 

I had made all the cakes and we headed in early after an early am call, 

to see if he slept and how he was feeling.

My brother was given pain meds at the ER but refused to take them...he found it reassuring to feel everything, calming his fears of nerve loss, and not wanting to surrender control.

Aside from the party, he was set to meet the burn specialist and get his burn cleaned...

he took some advil and headed to the hospital with his brother in law to get it cleaned, leaving his daughters birthday party and the guests behind; all of us sending him off with well wishes and prayers.

He returned two hours later, wrapped and with photographs of the damage.

Seeing him walk in again, and hearing the assessment of his burn was reassuring, in a strange way.

Second degree on his hand and arm, deep second on his index finger and thumb. First degree on his face, neck, ear and scalp. He has a burned star-burst pattern on his face from where he squeezed his eye shut when the flame hit him. There was stubble all over his shirt, from the singed hair on his head... from the removal of his head-wrap.

He was alright.

We left about an hour later, and drove home in a quiet car.

I ate a little dinner and then fell into a deep sleep

Cleaned arm with biobrane sleeve in place 

I awoke early for work the following day, my brother came in soon after me.

All day I heard the story, I got to repeat it first, and after divulging the details I ended with:

I am so thankful he is here; he did not lose his eye or burn his lungs.

When it was time for my brother to tell it to the relatives that were calling to check on him, he ended the tale the same way...over and over and over again.

I held it together, I stepped out once when I thought I was gonna cry...

He is moving slower, but still has taken no pain pills...he is working, and doing what he is driven to do.

He is in good spirits and is watching his arm for signs of problems....

Sunday is the next hump, he finds out if the biobrane (synthetic skin) is taking on his forearm and he can avoid a skin graft.

I admire him, and adore him beyond words.

He will always be my little brother, no matter our age

and I will always want and strive to protect him.

Wordy Wednesday

go outside and breathe the air, 

even but for a moment sweet lovelies

Self Preservation

** warning, melancholy posting **

some of the 15 nuns that packed the local frozen-yogurt shop

I went and had my annual ultrasounds and mammogram. 

I have had mammos since I was 34, as I found a lump then (it was nothing)

 and have just never stopped getting annual ones.

I look at it as a mark of pride, I am taking care of myself.

This year was different, as I requested an ultrasound of my breasts as well. The read from last year said that my dense breast tissue was hard to read and an ultrasound was recommended for a better view.

I booked my pelvic ultrasound that same day...I spent two hours having wands in my vagina, having my breasts compressed and then pressed and pushed on with copious amounts of warmed jelly.

While this was happening, a friend from high school passed away after a 5 year fight with breast cancer.

I am still shaken by her death, I saw her just before my surgery almost two years ago. She brought her daughters to a shared art studio so I could explain an art-making process to them. 

She was vibrant, her daughters glowed from all the love she showered on them. I followed and spoke to her via social media and then, she was not commenting on things. I started thinking about her more and more and then the messages started to appear on her page, and I asked if something had happened. Her mother posted that she was in hospice care and that it would not be long, as she was ready to go.

She passed two days later.

I was not close with her in high school, and I lost all contact with her afterwards..and something made us find each other many years later, maybe a reunion or something silly.

Our high school was a small one and in many ways everyone pretty much knew everyone.

The loss of a classmate, even one you are not close with seems big and close.

The memorial is at the end of this month, and although it is an open invite to all who knew her, 

I feel it is too intimate and I am choosing to not attend.

Instead I am making a donation to a charity she held dear.

Call it self preservation, I can not bear another heartbreak right now. 

I am grieving in many ways for her, she is the fourth woman I know in this last year to have breast cancer. 

It is a lot to witness.

clearly nothing like having to live with, but right now witnessing it is almost too much.

I feel conflicted about my decision, but guilt should not be a motivator to attend a memorial.

I have been reflecting a lot about what is important to me; 

this latest loss has only highlighted again who and what is important in my life.

I spent last weekend with my bestest-bossum-buddy.

She was in town visiting family and to my surprise she worked a WHOLE day away from her people 

and we just spent it talking, uninterrupted and openly and unabridged.

It was a treat for us both and when I came home I found myself in deep withdrawal.

I get to see her again in a month and a half or so...

we live many hours away from one another

All of this made me reflect, deeply and clearly into myself.

it has me feeling raw and open and melancholy as well...but,

I started to think of the superhero, the one I am making of myself.

If I remember correctly, most comic book heroes have:

 extreme heartbreak (check)

isolation (check)

determination to change themselves (check)

a bumpy road of learning (check)

revelations in unexpected places (check)

I guess I am on the right course.

plus my pants finally arrived:

Wordless Wednesday

There are no words for this....just smiles!
Happy Wednesday lovely ladies

Inspiration Wednesday

I follow this photographer on social media, and really find daily inspiration from the people he meets.
This one in particular sits deeply in me and made me cry the first time I read it:

Humans of New York

June 28

"What's your favorite thing about your mother?"

"She loves life more than anyone I've ever known. I hope she doesn't mind me telling you this, but recently she's had some health problems. And her health got so bad at one point, she called me and said: 

'I was starting to wonder if there was any reason to go on. But then I had the most delicious pear!'"

Building my superhero

source

I am building my inner super hero....I have decided it is time to take a bigger step, and act fearless.

I am struggling with feeling good again.

I am still going to class three times a week, and sitting in my studio for hours a day, and working at my second job...and doing all the other daily stuff that life requires to function, 

but something wasn't still linking up.

So, I was wandering around in my brain yesterday and found that maybe, just maybe I was cushioning myself...unbeknownst to myself, I was still protecting myself from getting hurt or pushing too hard.

In everything.

So I started to construct my symbols of strength...

I got this shirt and wore it to class today.

I pushed myself harder, lunged deeper, and stretched farther.

I carried this positive affirmation in my mind the whole time.

I have new pants coming too..when they arrive I will reveal them as well.

It seems I am still afraid, I am still shy..I don't know why. 

I just found this corner the other day and opened that door wide and let in sunlight. 

I don't want to be afraid anymore, or tentative.

I want to feel strong and sure and powerful and confident.

I am finding that as time passes and I still wake up at 4:30 am, I like this ritual.

It allows me to wake up with the sun, I get to be in my own head and feel strong from the first moments of the day.

ideally enough to carry me through the rest of it. 

When I feel weak, or tired, I drink water and cry or wish I would cry and 

sit and contemplate what is making the monkeys go crazy.

All this was put to a test the other day, my father was forced to retire.

He is still "young" but a situation arose in his company and that was the choice he had.

He did and then made calls to me and my brother, assuring us that they were fine and that there was no big debt to fear....I think he was really assuring himself, as I was far beyond freaked out (in my head)

and I remained calm and cool until I hung up the phone.

Then I just stared at the wall for several hours...thinking of all the scenarios in my head, flipping through each of them like a rolodex...meeting each freaking scene head on and then letting it pass through me.

Acknowledge and let it go

It seems to have worked, for now.

It was like a scanner, scan then pass it along.

No harm no foul

Superpower?

I am faced with another weekend sleepover, this time with our 10year old niece.

Last weekend was the 6 year old nephew.

I don't know what to expect, or be prepared for but I am looking forward to the time.

I want to be a SUPER Auntie, and be cool and calm and neato

So my focus is to be present:

have super listening skills

be strong and supportive

able to leap to no conclusions

Be her bird or plane 

National attention

the latest issue of Time Magazine set to hit the stands

This caught my eye yesterday and I wanted to post a couple things here to see if any of you had heard this too?! I was surprised and quite interested reading it myself.

Here is a response on Huffington post,

and here is a great video,

I LOVE how the newscaster starts with 

the Time editor who is also child-free and dismisses the writer speaking first because she has three kids.
It does bother me that they mention how much it costs to raise a kid, I am not sure why, maybe it feels dismissive about the choice...but that might be just me.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you

I celebrated my one year anniversary with yoga. 

According to my yoga teacher I had been there over 165 times in the last year! 

That is a half year in the yoga studio! holy guacamole...

I tried to keep the celebration to myself but to my surprise The Barren noted this as well and got me a gift certificate to a yoga boutique. 

You know the kind of place I would never venture into myself to purchase clothes.

Well I was eager to get a new pair of pants and top, as mine are now having the subtle smell of bleach and tea tree oil and mildew....they have been washed every day after class and hung to dry so as to be ready the next day...but after a year I think the fabric just gives up.

I went to the boutique; assured by The Barren that the women that were working there were not the "typical" yoga body people. It was warm outside but I was wearing a sundress and felt fairly cool...I was greeted by a woman who was very nice and eager to help me find the perfect gift for myself. She was not a beanpole so she understood the "junk in the trunk" issue for finding pants...she told me which companies she liked and I grabbed two pair of printed leggings one with UNICORNS on them!

get them

I was eager to try them on and feel super special. 

I grabbed a tank to try them on with and headed to the changing room. 

I was now sweating. 

The store was warm and the fan really did nothing to cool the air.

I checked my purse three times for a rubber band to tie my now wet neck hair up...no dice.

I then proceeded to peel the dress I was wearing off, and try with GREAT effort to put on the pants.

It was like trying to get a pair of pantyhose on while sweating...plus my lovely Popeye style calf's would not allow the pants to glide over them so by the time I had jumped, hopped and wiggled my arse into the butt of the pants it was and I was a HOT MESS. 

The door of the changing room was not a door but a light piece of fabric, 

so as I jumped it swayed open. I am sure it was a great show!

I peeled off the first pair and looked at another brand thinking maybe they would fit differently.

This time I tried on the top first, well tried, as I was dripping sweat and no matter what I did to pull that top over my shoulders and avoid the pits, as I didn't want to stain the shirt too...

I was stuck, the fabric had rolled onto itself, and would not give way

My boobs were half in the shirt, half begging to be freed of the shelf bra.

I ending up bending in half, and wiggling my shoulders free of the fabric and hanging up the shirt to admire while trying to tackle the second set of pants. topless this time...

When I started the effort, I stopped at the calf again...resigning to the fact that I was not built to wear these leggings either. I fought extreme disappointment and negative voices about my body.

The clerk asked how I did as I emerged from the dressing room.

I am sure she saw the WHOLE thing...but was kind to say that another company was available to try.

I am a glutton for punishment, and so I tried on another brand of pant. 

It took far less effort to pull on and so I got a pair in FUCHSIA, and picked up a tie-dyed tank from the same company without trying it on...I feared what might happen.

I left with credit remaining and a punched ego...but a new top, pants and yoga mat towel.

Following this dance I was due at a business woman's art gathering.

I got in the car, blasted the air conditioning and drove to the meeting location.

I was cooler when I arrived, I had my yoga bag in the back seat so I added a new layer of deodorant to my pits and fluffed my hair and went into the home that was hosting.

I sipped a glass of bubble water and waited for another couple of friends to arrive. I was beginning to heat up again (for reasons unknown to me) and I went to the bathroom to splash some cool water onto my neck and chest...in an effort to cool my body a little more. When I emerged a couple of friends had arrived and I met them in the hallway. One was one I hadn't seen since May and when I saw her then I thought..." I think she is pregnant" turns out she was...and is due in December. 

She was glowing, I mean radiant...it was of no surprise to me.

Joy creates that, and she was filled with glee and joy.

I congratulated her and we joined some other women outside in the shade to chat before the meeting was set to start...I was standing and sipping my water and I could feel the sweat dripping down my back, over my tummy, down my legs. I hoped no one else noticed...but I also realized that I was with a group of women, ans MANY had already gone through menopause so this was nothing to be embarrassed about.

We eventually moved indoors, and sat ourselves for the hosts lecture.

I think it was half way through that I felt the heater turn off in me. 

When the lecture was over, my newly pregnant friend rose from where she was seated and I was struck.

She is one of the most beautiful people I know...I mean goddess beauty.

High cheekbones, tall, lightly freckled skin, quiet and graceful, her hair was now down from her hair comb and cascaded into gentle curls around her chest...beauty!

It sounds like I have a girl crush on her, but really I was just so taken back at her beauty.

It was mesmerizing, and I was just admiring how beautiful it was.

She floated across the floor and I realized at that moment, how obvious it was that we were at two very different stages in our lives. She was making a new person and I was in pre-menopausal.

I returned to a quiet home, The Barren waiting to hear how the day went.

I modeled the new clothes for him, as I was not sweating anymore and the new pants revealed that they are not only a fantastic color but also create an amazing camel toe! ahahaha and the top is a little big.

Go figure

That night I dreamt that I was pregnant, and I needed to tell people.

I was so sad about it, I was thinking to myself in the dream 

" but I was just getting use to this new child-free life, I am so old now to be having a baby"

It was a mixed bag of dream emotions.

Upon waking, I was washed in the feeling of bitter-sweetness and remembering.

It was dark still and a yoga day, so I put on my new camel-toe pants and went to class to sweat it all away.

That time of year...

It is that time of year, the time where I see my doctor and get a once over.

I was nervous about my weight and my blood count numbers and if I was gonna be in a better place than I was last year at this time.
Mostly would the doctor say I was a good patient and doing what I was suppose to be doing=
you are not gonna die from your own doing tomorrow or next week.
for some reason I don't want to disappoint my NP.

She is quite mellow and loves that I always go with a card to remind myself of all the referrals I need.

I was naked and sitting on that horrible exam table paper as we relaxed and slowly went through the medical history updates and what vitamins and exercise I am doing, when I started to sweat...I mean drip sweat.

I told her that it seems like that these days I run hot...she says it happens in the office,
but that I might be starting the menopause countdown...ugh...
Seriously, am I really already at that time in my life?

When the time came for the pelvic exam I went to lay down and realized at that moment,
that this was going to be undignified.
The whole lower half of me had sealed with the exam table paper...
it was totally coating my ass, my thighs and vagina.

I found myself peeling paper off my ass as she performed my breast exam...and when I needed to stirrup up she said I was indeed  an overachiever, as I got it stuck everywhere
...she even had to peel some away to perform the pelvic and I just stared at the ceiling and shook my head.
I told her that I seem to only experience these things when I am in her presence, and I guess she needed a new Barreness vagina experience, because our last ones where not exciting enough.
She giggled....I sighed

As she finished up and left to write up orders for mammograms and ultrasounds,
I peeled the rest of the paper off myself as best I could so I could get dressed.

said paper shreds, they appeared all day long

After giving blood and being told I was clear to go I left in search of caffeine.
I stopped at three coffee shops on the way home, I was going to binge on chai.
Not every place offers almond milk and so I stopped at two new coffee houses to test their versions, only one of them had almond milk, so I drank that one as I traveled to a third caffeine house for another!
It was my vice, and I ate a bagel too, with hummus!
Crazy I know!

My desire to do the right thing has taken over my eating patterns these days and I find I am sometimes walking a fine line in an effort to not become obsessed with counting and reducing and restricting myself.

When I make a "bad food choice", I am also trying to not beat myself up over it.

Instead think what would have been a better choice.

It is hard, and takes effort.

I am very quick to be mean to myself, and relearning to be kind is a task indeed.

emilymcdowell.com

Thankful Thursday

put you in to a better mood

I am currently working in the studio....here is a sweet bunny eating my lunch.

well, not my lunch, but what I usually eat for lunch.

be back soon

Throwback Thursday

So in honor of throwback Thursday I searched my cell phone, 

the following are images that I took on this day in 2011, 2012 and 2013

a duck on a leash

which ones should I buy organic if I have to choose

local grocery store

that is all, for now...yes, I am procrastinating

The roads walked

I'm a sucker for a funny vagina reference

I have been MIA, sorry about that.

I have been stealthily reading blogs and trying to keep up with all your beautiful lives.

I have been slightly depressed, nothing huge,or concerning just quieter...so I have kept on the down low.

The Barren and I went on a little trip, to the other side of the US.

It was cool and grey and a wonderful change from our current local that is always on the verge of bursting into flames...really. I learned that many people can barely believe that my state is in a stage two drought and that everything really is dead or dying from lack of water. It is sad, and people are now regularly performing rain dances...with conviction. for real...really

I also learned that although we live in a dry (lack of water) state, we have more produce options than others and I am thankful for that....besides the lower carbon footprint, I am use to the greens and citrus.

The place we went was quiet and magical and serene...
we did some good karma yoga to help the MIL and it was just what we needed.
We went on many walks, and looked at stars at night.
We watched sea birds and listened to the night and water lapping on the rocks outside.

Included in the highlights were the following:
I traveled for the first time (IN MY WHOLE LIFE) on a boat with out getting sick...
I used yoga breathing exercises and burst into tears when we landed, I was so proud and happy.

I ate ice cream almost everyday and felt no guilt, just joy.

We stayed for a week, and left the day our nephews and their parents (The Barren's sister, hubby and kids)
arrived for a week with the MIL

(totally unintentional to miss them, but in hindsight a good thing)

Now we are home, and things are back into the swing of things, it was a rough transition back,
 but we are on track.

I got a text from my MIL two days after we left that described her scene:

" We went to the island today.  Fantastic day.  Really warm and no breeze.  Little bam -bam had a complete and total meltdown because he couldn't run and jump all over the rocks on the cliff edge.  There were even signs  posted that said no rescue was possible if someone fell, but that didn't matter to him!  They are off having dinner and I am at home in the peace and quiet.  I think I am only having Big brother this summer.  Little bam-bam is still pretty out of control.  The Island must have been twice as crowded as when we went. What a difference a week makes! "

My nephews are wild things, totally out of control and only the eldest is over-parented; so it is no surprise that the younger is still totally out of control. This is the same nephew I apologized for at the memorial when he was running around the gathering screaming "sexy lady" while his parents shrugged and said
"what you gonna do"
*sigh*

I am now back into my practice, The Barren is traveling already for work...
 and I am fighting some serious focus issues again.
I had a wonderful time away, and returning has highlighted how over committed I am and how stretched thin I am, and how easily I am distracted from my to-do list....
There are some possible BIG changes in my art career on the horizon and I am struggling to find a way to still do all that I need to, to generate income, while trying to transition to full time art making.
I fear it will be two full time jobs for a while. I expect it will be hard and I can do that.
It is the panicked, I am struggling more with; the finances involved with this trial, and the pressure to sell enough to maintain it....or heck make a few dollars on top of covering costs!
Alas, I am charging ahead of myself...I won't know until July...so until then I am trying to make new work.
Save some cash...and be positive for a healthy heart and mind.

I have also discovered that I have really distanced myself from my infertility.
I don't think about it anymore...I don't focus on what I don't have, or should have.
I am me, and my love makes us.

I ran into an old co-worker whom I haven't seen since 2007 and she asked if I had finally had kids.
Mind you we were in a bank lobby and she has a booming voice...it drew the attention of a woman sitting in a chair waiting for a teller...I smiled and said, we tried for a long time but it didn't work. She then told me that another woman we worked with got pregnant and she would give me her number so I could call her and find out how. Inside my head I thought, I should be gracious and say thank you, but instead I said " we can't have children, I've seen many doctors and had surgery, but it is OK...we are very happy"
The lady in the chair, looked up again and then smiled and looked down.
I escorted this former co-worker outside with me, as I had had too much conversation in the bank lobby.
She told be some more about former co-workers and I was reminded how far I had traveled, and how much healthier I was now.
I have dropped my subtitle, I am no longer The Barreness: infertile woman
instead I am
The Barreness: Artist

* BOOM*

this lady is hysterical, watch some of her videos and laugh!
she is crass and funny and real!

Ok, so I dropped off the art this morning, making all my deadlines

pat on the back

and I wanted to treat myself to the chai I had mentioned before...but you see it was now

close to 11:30 am and EVERY single place was FILLED with brunchers...moms and brunchers.

I ended up going to a little coffeeshop I like that is filled with hippies, and today, 

NOT filled with brunchers and moms and babies and doting kids.

I got the caffeine, skipped the sweets and headed home to make a sandwich.

While making this sandwich, the Barren was working and had headphones on....I was about to settle into some crappy TV to take my mind off the business from this morning and just zone out.

I got a text...it read:

" I just had a strong feeling to wish you a happy mother's day. 

I know you don't have any kids, 

but I really feel like you have inspired many people

in your life through your art and your joyous spirit. 

By you just being you, you have raised up creative gifts, creative thinking, hope and joy in others. So for that, happy mothers day The Barreness!!!!!"

It knocked the wind out of me, I just about fell to the floor reading this.

My eyes swelled with tears and I could barely catch my breath.

This message was from a neighbor who I always say hello to, but have only gotten to visit with once.

We are friends on social media but really don't exchange much back and forth.

Hence the total shock 

I wrote back telling her that I was so deeply moved to tears by her loving gesture....

I was without words other than thank you.

I am still in kind of a daze...

a euphoric daze

Mothering

I called my mom and asked her what she wanted to do for Sunday.

 I offered up a meal or some time shopping or whatever she wanted. 

I told her it was her day and she called the shots.

After a lot of hemming and um mm-ing...she said, "lets have oatmeal on Monday before work".

I was kind of disappointed, but curious why she chose that.

She is going to the movies with my father and will most likely see something HE wants to see and sit quietly through the whole event. Maybe get a big popcorn or red vines.

My mother has in the past, chosen to let me retreat on this day. She has respected my grief and discomfort and allowed me to pamper her for the day or asked that I pamper myself...or understood why I hid.

This year I seem still, quite OK.

(Aside from the market yesterday, where THANK GOODNESS the checker greeted the woman behind me with Happy Mothers Day, he was just a "hey how ya doing" for us...whew....I told the Barren that I felt quite relieved by not having that as our greeting.)

Feeling like this year was way too quiet, 

I kept prodding her and she said....well, that is what I really want.

I said OK, oatmeal it is then.

So today, I will be driving artwork to a drop-off site, picking up some caffeine along the way (as a treat to myself) and watching the Barren blow his nose....he caught a cold.

I sent out a few cards...and will send a few text messages...but it seems like any other Sunday to me.

but I haven't left the house yet....

My plate is full

clearly my essential oils to "magnify my purpose" are working

So I am busy...really crazy busy, 

like so busy I am paralyzed and unable to decide which task to do first kind of busy

.....ever been that way?

I have 10 pieces to frame for upcoming shows that all pretty much need to be done by this weekend.

That is a lot of mat board and math and frame

I can totally do it but for some reason I feel compelled to sit and eat tortilla chips and watch some horrible television instead. What am I doing!!

This last weekend I had some friends over to eat some cake and make me smile...it worked

My father even participated in a music jam session...so the house was filled with sound and laughter.

it was nice...really nice and a great cherry to the weekend before sundae that I was still digesting.

I ate and loved fiddle head fern
as well as everything else that got shoved into my pie-hole

I am currently over committing myself to friends:

I made hand printed coasters for the bride and groom
the back side has three different designs too

I also volunteered, well didn't say no to a bride to be friend, who has asked me to make the cakes for her upcoming wedding (end of the month) and shoot the official photos of the day...yeah,sigh.

and help with all the other stuff that is coming up too....

Last night she sent a HUGE list of things she wants done the day of or the day before...

you know when I would be baking and sweating and freaking out over her wedding cake stuff....

and I want to help but I am a little overwhelmed...in fact so much so I didn't answer her email yet. 

In all fairness it was sent to three people besides me...who all are helping too.

I think that is my latest response to being overwhelmed: waiting...pausing.

In reflection that is probably a really good thing, because if I say something RIGHT away I would most likely add more to my already full plate of commitments and then really feel like taking to a cave and hiding.

I will answer her...I just need to slowly read it all again and figure it out.

I know I am gonna get it all done, and the pressure will be something that I don't like but I can do it and it will be completed and good events will follow suit...but until then....I can vent here and in the tub at night.

I have also been reflecting on being child free...someone asked me at the gym the other day if I had kids.

I simply said nope

She was kind of unsure what to say so she said "well kids aren't for everyone"

I just smiled

I use to answer, no, I have cats....but I was finding that it was a cop-out...like: no, but the cats are just as good. So this was the first time I got to say what I really felt.

I was OK with it, no need to overshare, or be snarky or drop an emo bomb...

It felt comfortable and right.

I watch my SIL juggle a little one and two others and see her still trying to be herself and a wife.

I am thankful for that...both all she is doing and that I am not juggling all that too!

That is a huge step I think for myself...I am really finding comfort again in my self.

On a side note:

This is what I got from my mom and pop on my birthday...

yep, baked goodies and a fresh skull from an owl pellet

I love that the randomness in my life is coming back!

I Forgot....

I have been in my own head and so I am not here...strangely enough.

I am still in my three times a week practice, eating the cleanest I can 6 days a week and teaching myself what I can about how to navigate this life of mine.

 

It wasn't until I received the annual email asking for my opinion or input on a research study some post graduate is doing on infertility and art therapy did I realize that it was NIAW.

I actually forgot!

Like totally forgot....

 

Last year I was mad and made a pledge to not talk about it, as it really felt that I was preaching the choir. We all know about infertility and how much it hurts and what we don't want people to say to us and what a long and personal road it is to regain our sense of self again....
so why tell each other.

I am waiting to respond to the request...
I am not in a hurry to remind my body and heart about my journey through the fire...
sorry post grad, you are gonna have to wait.

photo by: Arthur Leipzig
 

PLUS it is my birthday week! the actual day is Friday and I am feeling beyond lucky as The Barren swept me up last weekend and took me on an all surprise trip....
He had been planning it for weeks and it is so outside his personality to keep a secret, that all I saw was this as a massive gesture of love.
He gave me the gift of a weekend with him, and to top that, my best friend!
WHAT A GIFT time with your best friend, and hubby and music and junk food and love and time, time time...I was feeling so overwhelmed with love over the weekend
that I kept busting into tears of joy...and gratitude and glee.

I looked nuts and puffy eyed most of the time.
My bestest lives 3/4 of a days drive away and so the gift was HUGE.
We went to a concert, got dressed up and watched people dance, ate spicy indian food, played in the city and ate junk food and groaned and made fart jokes into the night.

Now as I come down, and plan a little thing here so I can share some time with the parents....
I reflect on how much I am growing.
So much in my heart and hopes and life
There was a moment over the weekend as we drove from a drink spot to a junk food spot as midnight approached...a moment when I realized that The Barren and I lead a different life than most...and that it is pretty cool to move so freely and openly. My bestest said it reminded her that she needs to get them out more often and do stuff outside their comfort zone.
One of the many reasons I love her....

 

So I think my darkest hours are becoming memories

I protect them still but understand that they are floating somewhere else now.

I heard that I friend is having a baby, after much trouble and heartbreak and I said out to the universe

" let their home be filled with children"

I am happy here

happy heart



Sense of self

 

 

So after that last post, where it was mostly just brain vomit...

I started sitting and reflecting on who I am now.

 

I really think I have shook the label of infertile as my FIRST descriptor of self.

In fact, it feels like it has shifted pretty far down the list of identifiers.

Does that mean that I don't still ache so deeply for the babies I am not watching grow up?

Does that mean that I still don't think about how my body didn't do what it was suppose to do?

Nope.

Everyday it enters me mind, but I think my relationship with those events

are in a different place now.

They are not forgotten but more like interned,

almost as though, I have allowed them to lay to rest;

transcend this earthly plane and ascend to a new level of conscience.

Does that make any sense?

 

I am seeing signs of it regularly now.

I look at babies again, and smile at them, because they are funny and drooly.

I am not angry when I see a pregnant woman,

but wonder how long she tried for and how scared she might be at this new road in her life.

I mentioned to my yoga teacher that I couldn't do some poses because of my endo, but I mentioned it in such a casual way, you'd think I had said I couldn't because of a head cold or something.

I am thinking about how to make memories with my niece and nephew as a way for them to remember me, not act out re-imagined situations I might have had with my own children.

 

It is strangely liberating, and slightly sorrowful.

I am growing

That is my best guess at this

 

I spend a lot of time alone, whether in the studio working, or just being me. 

I reflect on strange things like:

Where do the city raccoons live that eat out of the city garbage cans?

Why do some finger nails grow faster than others?

Why are some people afraid of quiet?

What can I do to be more focused?

How would I feel if I applied and got a residency abroad?

Why does cheese seduce me so...

 

Being alone and quiet a good portion of the day, makes me realize that it is indeed a gift.

Although I would have loved a home full of boys (that is what I always imagined)

I question if I could have been who I am if I had that too.

I am suppose to make art, but would I have still stayed on this path with a baby?

I am finding that I am seeing this now, as a sort of re-gift.

I was denied so much for sooooo many years, and so many more ahead of me.

I guess I am justifying what I have now as a new beginning, or gift.

Maybe I am simply making a lemon drop from a bushel of lemons...

but that seems to be my mindset these days.

 



Deep Thought- or just some random thoughts in a single post

 

I love the pretzel of hair on the back of her head

 

**Warning-I seem to ramble a lot in this post **

and the spell check stopped working mid-post so please excuse any spelling errors

 

 

OK so I am back in the studio, most of the week now...well portions of the day, most of the week now. It makes a difference and allows me to do all the crazy admin stuff that no one ever tells you is required when you are trying to make a name for yourself in the art world....or just trying to get your work seen by someone other than yourself and your visually over saturated friends and family.

 

The Barren is very patient and truly believes in my work and me, even when I am not totally convinced. I think this is paramount to my mental health and

fighting the easy slide into self doubt and depression.

I am lucky indeed.

 

I am making new work and have held back on my shotgun submissions, instead focusing on making new and interesting work.

Last year I spent close to $500 in entry fees and although I was in 14 exhibitions,

I only sold four pieces...some would say that is not a good investment.

So in an effort to be farther focused,

I am thinking three or four times before submitting works and trying to save a buck or two.

 

It is hard....really hard.

I want to be in everything...like me, please like me

 

On to other complaints...

The honeymoon is over with this vegan stuff...it takes a lot of effort and preparation and planning.

I seem to always be hungry or totally over food...one extreme or another. It is exhausting!

It also means that when I do eat something non-vegan, I spin into mental tabulation of what I ate, how much and how bad was that for me...I am pretty sure an hour of hot yoga does not burn off a weekend's worth of white potato hash browns and a scoop of ice cream or toast

but I am letting my mind think so for now...

 

 

According to my parents, who are really confused about how and what I eat now...

I channeled my great grandmother two nights ago and made something that she always made, stuffed cabbage rolls...but I made mine vegan. (she is probably rolling her eyes, heck I am rolling mine) It took a LONG time and was much like making enchiladas or tamales...where you have a complicated filling and then roll and bake and presto- done.

I have to admit, they tasted really good and the parents said that they were a good representation of the tradiational dish...but I wonder, did I make these because I was desperate for a complex new dish or was I trying to connect with family?

 

I find that as the years go on, and I age without offspring...

I wonder how I connect with the family here?

I find myself looking at photos desperate to see if I resemble anyone,

or carry anyones traits...or am I really the anomaly.

 

I have also been having dreams about searching for family.

Complicated routes and great distances are involved...but in the end I don't see them.

I have been watching "Long Island Medium", I don't care if it is all staged or fake.

Something in me needs to see the messages, and then I wonder

..if she read me, who would come through and what message would they deliver?

I wonder if my babies would...can someone who left before they are whole-

be whole on the other side? and then deliver messages?

I like the idea...I am not religious so I can not seek out the answers there; so I am left to my own version of spiritual guidance which leaves the door WIDE open

to questions and theories and feelings.

 

Onto other news

I went away last weekend to enter The Barrens homebrew into a competition...we'll know in June if he goes to the next stage...but we spent the night away and he got to sample loads of microbrews.

I had every intention to sample them as well, but with the voice in my head and her calculator I couldn't do more then a taster of two...I tried to not be a wet blanket and bring the whole scene down, I went wherever the next pub was and sat quietly and laughed and engaged in conversations...

but really, I was bored.

It was a good weekend still, and I got some real time with The Barren

who is traveling a lot more now for work.

So with all this extra time alone now, I fill my head with thoughts.

Sometimes deep, sometimes shallow..but it is always filled.

 

Someone Not Me

I had to go to the nursery to recover from what was my Friday...

I buy plants when I am extremely upset, emotionally.

Plants have always set my brain right, the garden and the potted plants on my patio have acted as therapists many times over.

It is a good vice, I mean a plant buying binge is far better in my mind than other vices.

 

I was called into jury duty. I sent in the card and followed the rules, but really I don't want to serve on a jury as I would have a hard time ruling on someones life.

When I got to the waiting room, a judge came in and talked about

how important it is to be a juror.

I listened and understood that I had no control over the day...and I tried to swallow that.

He assured us that we would not be called for family issues, like divorce or child custody.

I took an exhale of relief.

While waiting, someone from court appointed advocates came in and

told us about what they do in foster care....and speak out for abused foster kids...

I was getting mad, I felt assaulted by the sad situation and I wanted to run from the room.

She left and I went back to the drawing I had brought to keep me busy

and listened from my name each time a pool was called.

On the third round I was called to a courtroom.

I was OK with that, and after sitting in a jury chair as the room was quite full

 the judge read what the trial was about and I about lost it...

 

Crime of a lewd act against a child, and multiple molestation allegations

My heart was about to explode, it was beating so hard and I began to sweat.

When the judge asked if someone had a hardship and he got to me,

I stood before a packed room, shaking (I could hear it in my voice)
 and said that being a woman who has lived through 8years of infertility
I could not emotionally handle the details of the case.

He asked if I had a job, if I was married and if I had kids.

( I was angry, as I had just told him I was infertile...
hell, I told a good chunk of my counties demographic )

He then said it was not a hardship and to take a survey to fill out for the lawyers.

The prosecutor asked my name, and I spelt it as I left the room.

He said he didn't pick the jury, but the lawyers did.

I was fighting crying at this point...as I left the courtroom

I made it all the way to the bathroom at the end of the hall
to totally break down in a puddle.

Then I looked at myself in the mirror and told me:

" pull it together, you can write down why to the lawyers"

Keep fighting it

In another lifetime I was that person who would have wanted to be on the trial,

serve justice and get the wrongs righted.

I am not that person now.

I can mostly accept that.

I am struggling a little;
as I was asking to walk away from a moment of need.

 

I spent the next hour filling out the form,

details about if I knew people who were victims of crime

did I know police officers

did I know lawyers

did I think children's testimony was less valid than adults

and finally an area to tell them if I felt I could be unbiased.

I pleaded that as an infertile woman
I am very sensitive to stories of children and
that the details of this case might send me into a depression, undoing all my therapy.

I told them I could not be unbiased or open minded.

After I finished the survey, I left the building angry
and feeling like I was being forced to witness another horrible thing in life.
 

I got back to my car, knowing I would have to return Monday...

I called my mom to tell her that I might not be able to take her
to her medical procedure on Tuesday and when she said you OK?

I lost it and cried, a lot...no words just tears.

She was patient, and then said "can you tell me anything?
...I said: "the worst you can imagine"

"She said is it about children?"...and I cried

I told her I needed to get some plants

She told me she would foot the bill, I giggled...and then said

"I'm sure your survey will get you excused"

I told her I hoped so, as that was my only hope now.

 

After buying a trunk load of plants and new mulch...

I spent the weekend trying to not think about it.

it was futile.

I dreamt about it, I had quiet moments and panicked about it....

I returned this morning and after waiting,

my name was in the first pool of names called into the courtroom.

The judge excused us.

I looked at the prosecutor and whispered "thank you"

then turned and left the courtroom.

I could breathe deeper

 

I am now home, squeezing the kitties watering my new plants and sipping tea.

I hope I did the right thing