Middle Aged

While reading a book review, for "Why we can't sleep" that is set to come out soon, 

I was snacking on homemade cookies fresh outta the oven, 

during my:

"don't think too much about food; just eat what you want, 

visit friends, skip yoga and sleep in" 

holiday this week:

"In Why We Can’t Sleep, Calhoun opens up the cultural and political contexts of Gen X’s predicament and offers solutions for how to pull oneself out of the abyss—and keep the next generation of women from falling in. The result is reassuring, empowering, and essential reading for all middle-aged women, and anyone who hopes to understand them."

I looked up and said out loud....

MIDDLE AGED?!

I am not middle aged am I?!!

The words conjure up horrible visions of exhausted, 

frazzed people, 

crying and walking around in a sort of zombie state....

OH DEAR GOODNESS...am I?

Last moon cycle of the decade

I have had my final cycle in this decade...it was early and unremarkable.

 I am a full moon bleeder and thanks to my bestie for pointing it out, a gift from the Goddess!

I had a whole other perspective on it when she said that!

I like to mark time with connections and this December on the full moon I had my period for this last time this decade. that seemed magical or special in some way.

I had vivid dreams about lost loves and mazes...

I moved slowly through the air, and space.

I spent the beginning of November taking family photos for friends that wanted images in time for Christmas cards and kids graduation from school...four weekends of time...four different locations

two toddlers, two teenagers and four adults trying desperately to keep up appearances.

I had fun, but was exhausted

I in fact, was taking photos of the toddler with the name I had picked out for my never to be born baby...that was surreal to say their name so many times...but the more I said it, the less personal it felt. I could feel myself moving farther and farther away from the emotional connection to the name. For that I am thankful and proud 

that I am able to still grow in a healthy way around that hole of hope.

The Barren and I both got a violent stomach thing, that had us on what felt like deaths door...

but we stuck together and got better, 

and I really never want to make soup in the soup-pot I barfed into.

no matter how many times I bleach it.

I had a coffee date with my pelvic ultrasound tech; because although she has seen my vagina and we know each other in a vastly different way, we like each other and it seemed like a natural way to simply connect with another woman. I had a nice time and it was refreshing to have a coffee date and chat about trees and hobbies and giggle a little.

The final exhibition of the year has begun and the art was previewed online two days before the doors opened for the reception...one of my two pieces sold in the first two hours of the preview day! 

I am also the only person selected to have two pieces in the exhibition that is not represented by the gallery...and as thrilling as that is, it is also a lot of pressure to sell the two works and "earn my special place" in the show....so that is a little bit of a mixed bag....

I was invited by the curator, to join a group of fellow women artists ahead of reception for a cocktail and it was amazing! I had such a lovely time, once again hearing funny stories of past loves and wild times. I felt like a grown ass woman and not someone that was coddled or tiptoed around.

One of my longest art friends and painter who is loved locally, attended the cocktail party but not the reception because she did not want to answer the " how are you" question over and over again. She was recovering from major surgery to remove a tumor that was found in her lung. She was diagnosed with lung cancer. (crazy healthy person, non smoker, total surprise) ..and kept it all quiet (continues to) and was kind enough to share it with me before the cocktail hour. She was concerned about ruining my night...I thanked her for trusting me with this and I was thankful that she shared it with me. Her closest painting partner was a train-wreck, wanting to fix and help but being held at arms distance...so I gave her extra hugs and smiles and told her that I was strong enough to carry whatever she needed.

It has been quite a mixed bag as the year winds out, 

I am mostly thankful with moments of darkness...

I am aware of mortality more often than any other time in my life so far.

I am massively in love with my husband...

thankful for my bestie, and family (even though they drive me nuts)

It is my favorite time of year, 

as I rise before the sun and come home as it is setting...

so I get to enjoy the magic of those moments of life.

I was sent this photo the other day....

that brick wall is the wall, that will display three of my large artworks in the new (still to open) hotel

it gave me a little thrill...

and hope that I might be able to do that again!

*****

I hope that you all find a moment of hope, maybe even just for that day

or dream of a whole life with more hope and freedom from sadness

I wish cold nights lead to magical dreams and sweet slumber that soothes your soul

xo

The Barreness

Maintenance

Body Maintenance
I finished all my yearly doctors appointments last week!

then finished the week with my period

Just in time for national period day.

(here in the US)

I am unconsciously themed it seems.

I get white-coat and so I try and make all my appointments at once to sort of
  "pull the band aid off in one fell swoop" 

It kind of works...I am a basket case for the times I have appointments and usually fall into a nap afterwards because it stresses me out so much. 

Eyes and teeth were in September.

Last week was the physical/pap, mammogram, pelvic ultrasound, breast ultrasound, 

flu shot and blood-work.

I found the doctors scale is 7 pounds heavier than the scale at home and so she told me to loose 5 pounds. She tells me every-time to loose five pounds.

"Keep up my healthy lifestyle choices and check in again."

Hormones tested for menopause and they came back normal as well, no signs of the change yet.

All in all good news and all reports point to a healthy body.

My loss anniversary is next week and I have found myself in a mood...
staring a lot, melancholy and simply kind of lost in thought and feelings.
I lack motivation, and drive.
I spend the days that should be productive days in the studio staring and napping.
I try to fill my days with activities; planning grand ideas of what I could do in the course of the day, but instead end up eating ramen and watching movies.
When I am in yoga class I think of all the things I should be doing in the studio and then when I am in the studio I think I should be in yoga class.
In reality I stare at the papers from past entries and print out other opportunities that I end up not submitting to.
Some BIG stuff happened recently,
I got a cover of a magazine
I got into an international art guild
I am having my artwork installed in a new hotel

All really good things...but I still seem blue and unfulfilled.
I am trying to figure that out.

Duck and Cover

Hiding from the world

I work with a sibling, we've worked together for decades...

either at a family business or an outside business run by someone else.

Regardless, we are still siblings and so that dynamic is still very much in play.

Yesterday was a tough one....

we fall on different sides of the spectrum on many issues and we are both strong willed so conversations can get heated but always civil.

Yesterday they arrived and put their soap box down and stepped on about a half an hour after arriving. 

The difference is that I recently have been listening and not commenting back-

firearms was the first topic

then meat

then critiques about how I respond to situations.

When tensions are highest, is when the business is under stress from deadlines 

and family responsibilities outside the office.

Yesterday, I knew was going to be tough because we are understaffed and there are A LOT of orders due...so I usually brush it all off and most things don't stick.

yesterday was an entire 8 hour shift of things being flung at me.

Our parents visited during that time and even commented that the day seemed to be lobbing a lot at me verbally.

I smiled and did not engage still.

When it was time to go, I was TOTALLY spent from holding up my mask of calm.

I got into the car and drove the hour home in silence.

I came home and feed the cat and fell into bed (fully clothed) and burrowed myself under a blanket despite the 80 degree F weather.

I fell into a daze for an hour...mentally housecleaning.

letting things out...letting things go...pulling words and situations off and out of my skin.

I ate a comfort meal of miso and ramen noodles and went to bed.

This morning I was awakened by the cat throwing up 

(most animal companion caretakers can shoot out of bed from a deep sleep to these sounds) 

I decided that today I was going to skip yoga class and simply be kind to me.

My take away was how it made me feel.

I need to tell them that their words hurt me.

That those same words spoken at home would hurt

I adore my sibling...and often we are a great team 

but yesterday was wicked

Today my state (the whole damn state) is on power shutoff notice....

Autumn has arrived.

the poison oak is in bloom and the wind and fire watch is at extreme.

and apparently tempers as well.

If you have gotten this far...

thanks for listening to me

I think you are amazing and kind and good 

Resurface your skin

Thankfully, my unplugging is helping.

Another massive tragedy has hit my town and everyone is reeling and tender.

This came after I was scrolling the local paper for events for the extended weekend and found a mugshot of a man that was often our waiter at a local restaurant. 

In our interactions with him; he was kind, remembered us every-time we visited and had the kind of polite manners I remember we all were suppose to have as kids.

He was arrested for stabbing to death two people he knew. 

I think I am still in total shock about that too.

Then, like a morbid cherry on a fucked sundae, 

 I read about a friend (peer) that I use to work with loosing her husband unexpectedly in his sleep.

I have been doing yoga, 

working in the studio and making meals.

The Barren and I have been spending quiet time together 

and talking about all the scary reality that is hitting us all at the same time.

Parents aging and acting older

What do we want with our lives as we head into older years

Watching kids/nephews/nieces/ godchildren grow

facing responsibilities and taking care of our bodies

it all really sucks

I long for those carefree days of naive bliss

I read somewhere that to help maintain your mental cracks

when you are feeling depressed

overwhelmed and under-prepared

start with thinking about how you want to feel.

It seems quite patronizing but in my mind...I make it into an image.

I imagine a beautiful sun filtered field, butterflies flickering above the tall grass

a soothing breeze and the calm that comes from stepping into that image.

It has been helping me direct the overwhelming feelings into a space I can breathe again in.

I hope that the world has not overtaken you dear warriors

We have been walked over by hopes way too many times already.

Please try and fight to seize the joy that is still yours.

Cracked

This week was the closest I've been to actually having a mental break.

Everything seemed to tumble into me

I was overwhelmed by the news

I was overwhelmed with my life

I was overwhelmed by driving

I was overwhelmed by having to choose what to eat

I was overwhelmed my responsibilities

I was overwhelmed and emotional

I was overwhelmed by the sense of loneliness

I made myself go to yoga on Friday thinking

this is your social moment,

this is what will keep you from floating away.

I had been sitting at home staring at submission screens thinking: why?!

I had gone into work that week

I had made dinner for us that whole week

I had paid bills and did laundry

and then the whole world seemed so big and sad and burning and angry

and upside down and wrong, so so wrong.

I could feel it all and it made me tip

I forced myself out of bed, even though I wanted to spend the day sleeping and under the covers

I functioned but felt empty.

After yoga class

I went home and cried some 

(I don't cry much these days so I thought that was a good sign)

then my mother called and I told her now was not a good time.

(conversations with my parents have shifted as of late and require a lot of emotional strength and effort to simply listen and not try and say much of anything, which seems to go unnoticed)

I showered and got dressed and sat.

The old man cat laid on me like a tiny weighted blanket, checking on me 

as I laid there and stared into nothing.

I slept a little

and then The Barren came home from work

I ate something

and we crawled into bed.

I promised him I'd not look at news anymore

I had attempted to empty my FB account of personal images

leaving my business one with only work

Yesterday I took the news off my phone, 

so no more notices of the next bad and horrible that has happened.

I called senators and congress people and asked them to support important issues

protect our planet and our under-represented people.

I unsubscribed from political emails that I get texts from every hour 

The Barren made me promise to protect myself

I feel sooo much sometimes it is dangerous to my mental health.

so I have been focusing on quieting my mind for a little while

I have been asking myself what else I can do to make a difference as one person.

buy less 

less packing

I have been focusing on the things I am doing

and how it means something.

I am trying

Broken Lines

I have been commenting on blogs, but they never seem to appear on the comments section.

So I read what you are writing and have been leaving comments, 

but for some reason they are falling into the ether.

Please know I am trying, 

I try via anonymous and with the website and google logins...

all voids

So sorry that you are not getting my messages of support and hope and sisterhood.

I needed to say that first and foremost.

One on One time

It seems to have become an annual event.

Every July we get some serious one-on-one time with our closest nephew.

Closest, meaning proximity.

*(there are two other nephews, but their parents and years of no responses to requests or cards...has created a distance in what we had hoped to be a relationship with them.)

ANYWAYS.....

this year was the longest amount of time with our nephew, he was at our place for three nights.

He is 11 and totally into Manga comics and video games and cartoons and KITTENS

Our old man cat wanted nothing to do with his attempts at snuggles or pats...

he chose to spend his time curled under my desk sleeping on the power strip and sulking

 at HIS unwanted company. 

So I suggested that we go to the Humane Society and check out kittens.

I am not sure I totally thought the idea through when it came to my own mental health about seeing touching or interacting with kittens....

I am still quite broken from the loss of our kitty back in February and now the aging cat at home...

I am dealing with a lot of mortality in felines.

We went for half an hour on the first visit because we were meeting Uncle for lunch and and needed to pick up food before seeing him....I thought it would be and easy in and out...

It was easy to get in and out...but I was very standoff-ish with all kitties.

The following day he mentioned he wanted to go back and visit them again....

I figured it would be fine and it took a chunk of time of the day and it made him happy.

We returned and there were twice as many kittens and cats...

9week old kittens, to mature cats...

he wanted to snuggle them all...it made him so happy and smile so big...

I watched him, and offered help when claws were too sharp or wiggles too strong.

This sweet little kitty is the one that made me cry.

As I was handed this kitten, so he could play with another eager soul...

I held it close to my chest and it melted into purrs and I turned away from my nephew...

tears welling in my eyes, feeling the soft fur and rumbles of the purr against my chest.

Before the tears could fall, I told him that my heart hurt and that we should move on to the older cats...or dogs.

He was a little confused but was willing to move onto the next room.

The second visit was all about making sure to see and say hello to every kitten and cat, and then hello to every dog. That sweet little boy even sat with a dog that had a "I'm shy" sign on her kennel for almost a half an hour to make her feel better.

When the time came to leave, he said goodbye to every dog, cat and kitten.

and told me that he felt badly that he could not take them home.

I assured him that what he was feeling was empathy and compassion and that those are really wonderful emotions and that means that you are a loving person and capable of loving other beings.

The next morning I saw that one the kittens he was crazy about was adopted, and shared the news with him, his smile was huge...and he said- that is so great!

He is still to young to volunteer without and adult....but I mentioned it to him and his parents.

I spent three days, all day with my nephew...in the evenings The Barren made sure I took some quiet time for myself before bed.

I was exhausted, the nephew would have active dreams at night and call out waking The Barren and myself. He was fighting with his sisters in his dreams...having things taken by them. He remembers none of the dreams and awoke each morning happy and ready to be entertained.

I loved the time, and tried really hard to give him loads of space and time to just be.

Pool time, puzzle time, reading time, park time, making cookies, we even watched surfers and he declared he wanted to do that too.

I listened to exaggerated stories and claims, I sat and watched cartoons and simply soaked him in.

I introduced him to Bob Marley music and we sang along to Queen songs.

I do hope that he remembers being able to just be himself when he is with us.

I really love being his Auntie

The Letter

"Yoga Goddess, 

I have debated reaching out...but felt it was important for you to know that you have a secret ally in your corner.

I am sorry life is sucking so very badly...

This is not the way you imagined....anything.

I can not imagine what you are going through, but I can empathize as we spent nearly a decade trying to build a family.

When we were trying there was not a lot of resources and still a lot of stigma.

I found this site very helpful for resources and knowledge:

she has organized everything (left side) under topics and it might help in some way.

https://www.stirrup-queens.com

Please forgive me if I have overstepped or made you feel like you haven't thought of this yourself.

I am happy to answer any questions you might have or 

help in anyway you might find you are in need of.

I continue to be a dedicated yogi, and friendly face in the crowd.

Smiles and hopes,

The Barreness "

I was haunted with words of advice for the owner of the studio I practice at when:

 she made the start of her IVF journey public knowledge. 

Then came the public spreadsheet of drug costs 

and 

then came the crowd funding page set up by a friend. 

I was going to tell her that pain does not equate your desire to be a mother.

That simply putting the desire out was enough 

but then I realized that she is most likely getting an earful...so I sent the email above.

She responded soon there after, kindly:

"Thank you so much Barreness this means a lot to me!

I’m proud of you for reaching out, and so happy you did. 

I will definitely check out the site you sent over. 

Love you tons!

Xoxo

Yoga Goddess"

At the end of the day I saw it as a call to action.

It was more important to reach out to a fellow woman in need than

sit and watch how this all unfolded...

Like it was no big deal

So we had an earthquake this morning.

As a native Californian I have ridden a few out.

My mom tells the story that when I was a baby 

there was a really big quake and it rocked me back to sleep in my crib.

I am no stranger to quakes.

In 1990's there were a couple big bad ones that I was privy too...

one had me rush out of a bathroom in a restaurant because the walls were bowing.

The second was so big, it cracked my grandmothers apartment building and my mother and I drove in to be with her and return to her blackened home for some valuables as the aftershocks kept rattling it, it was like being in a bouncy house but the house was a 3 story apartment building.

(I do not recommend this and my mother does not always make the best decisions)

I think there were 10+ aftershocks that day....

This mornings earth movement was mild compared to those.

It has rattled a lot of people near the epicenter and 

there are no serious injuries reported which is great!

I was on the phone with a cousin who lives in Mexico and said

" oh we are having a quake"

the line was silent 

and then I said "it is still rolling but we are fine."

that is how caviler I can be when I identify the type of quake.

it rolled for 20 seconds.

the plants swayed, the coo coo clock chains swayed the cat paced up and down the hallway...

then it was settled.

No need to take cover, no bowed walls or cracked foundation or turning off the gas.

I have not felt any aftershocks.

We are about 200 miles away from the epicenter so that comes as no surprise.

As soon as it stopped I got a call from a friend who lives around the corner

frantic and panicked and out of sorts and firing rapid questions my way

she is from Florida, so is not prepared for earth movement:

" OMG what was that !

is there a Tsunami warning

where do we go if there is one

I don't like those

I am shaking

What should I do

what is the protocol

hubby is just sitting here like it is no big deal "

I tried REALLY hard to not laugh and assured her that what she just felt was a 

MELLOW experience for an earthquake and that she was safe

Normally you brace yourself in a doorway

DO NOT run outside

wait for the shaking to stop than go about your day.

If there was a Tsunami warning out cell phones would siren

and that street across from your house is taller that your house...

go up there if there is a warning.

stay away from windows and anything that could fall on you

BTW your house is a single story...

the safest kind

you are in the safest house for an earthquake...

you are safe and laugh it off.

(I think I said safe a million times to try and soothe her)

She thanked me and hung up

I checked on her two hours later and she said she was still shaking.

She takes her time processing things I guess...

I laughed a bit while making breakfast

it was alright...I could not do anything to prevent it

we were together and safe

it was over

just a normal California day as far as I was concerned.

 Happy Thursday!

I am going to make some 4th of July tacos now

a little laugh

Tiggered

So I am on "summer vacation" which looks like

 a week of not commuting and me trying REALLY HARD 

to focus on all the art things that have fallen to the wayside.

Updating websites and social media and professional sites.

I am also looking for new opportunities and waiting on word from other 

submitted competitions.

I am going to class as often as I can and trying to balance it with having "fun"

I am alone for this week, meaning The Barren has next week off for what we loving call

"music camp"- which is an event that happens annually for him. Where he takes a week off to just play music both intimately with a friend and perform open mic nights.

During that week, I rarely see him and so it is like having a roommate who leaves dirty socks and dishes behind but never seems to be here.

This year, he is taking a second week, so that should be stranger.

When I told him that I had this week off, he said he'd support me by making sure to bring home or make food so I didn't have to think about it.

but...

work got super stressful for him and I am doing what I normally do

laundry

dishes

cleaning the cat box

paying bills

making my own meals and trying to work in the studio

**sigh**

last night we had a blow out because, he came home asking what I wanted for dinner and I told him after a day of reading submission requirements and making a newsletter my brain was blown...

this lead to an argument where neither of us wanted to Adult and make choices for food and so he made himself dinner and left to practice music

I made myself dinner and watched a movie alone and cried.

My yoga classes are good and I feel stronger...

but the owner of the studio is suffering from infertility and is being very open about it on social media and I think I am being a little triggered by it.

ok, maybe a lot triggered.

I feel so deeply for the struggle and the path that she is taking...

first surgery for endo and now they have several failed IUI cycles and declared today that next month they start IVF.

I wished her the best and am trying to not focus on it and just do my practice.

I have also found myself choosing to not attend her classes as I would only think about her struggle instead of my own journey.

**sigh**

I go my period a couple of weekends ago...

52days late.

I had two train crash days where I was bleeding hard and heavy 

and then it was gone again.

I am thankful and now know what it might be like next time.

strange indeed

The day before my period I fainted before yoga class...

I got up before class started to pee, which I do a lot more than I'd like...but normal stuff

and I got light headed, also normal...you know how your vision is dimmed because your blood pressure is trying to regulate...well it just came at my wave after wave and the world started to tilt and I was thinking " what the hell is happening?!" and then I was awake. 

I have NEVER done that and I fell into the yoga mat storage

I came to fast and because that has never happened to me before 

I just went back into class and did class.

No one saw me faint, and aside from some gnarly bruises it has not happened again.

Although, I am taking precautions when getting up from the floor and in transitions.

So that is my summer so far....

oh and I delivered a HUGE project for a new hotel...

that had been in the making for over a year.

and it will knock down a lot of my credit card debt...

having an inconsistent income has some downfalls.

I can't imagine doing anything else...but it will be nice to have less personal debt

and maybe be able to start putting some money into my IRA again...

even if it is just $20 a month.

I think I'm gonna gather coins from the laundry and maybe buy myself an ice cream

it is summer after all!

Changes

"Strange fascinations fascinate me Ah, changes are takin'The pace I'm goin' through"

David Bowie-Changes

I am feeling a little bit like a caterpillar in her cocoon.

I am not sure what to expect, but things are changing.

My body is changing, I am only having small "oh no" moments when I think I have forgotten to take my pill...they are coming farther and farther apart these days.

I have been doing yoga, taking my vitamins, working and trying to come to terms with my body image. That last part seems to be rearing an ugly predictable head and I am trying to "whack a mole" it away.

Thinking too much about what I look like, what I am eating, looking closely at every hair and line and fold wondering if I can make them go away...or am I really just falling in love with it and fighting that. Like finding something wrong in a potential partner, but only looking for flaws to sabotage the relationship.

I want to be in love with my amazing strong body...

My mindset is shifting too...

We were at farmers market the other day and a toddler was having a fit because a sibling was able to push a  cart or something, and I was able to smile as we walked past it. The Barren watched the little person throw themselves onto the ground and smiled at the determination; and our ability to walk past it.

Normally I would stop and watch it unfold see how the parent dealt with it and take mental notes for myself in a similar situation. 

I don't need to.

I don't nee that knowledge.

I seemed at peace with that, and The Barren seemed calm too.

We are growing, maybe even aging out of the infertility mindset.

We were suppose to host our 15yr old niece this weekend, but she is super behind on her schoolwork and her parents were tired of enforcing her doing her work...but I wasn't and said that she could not come over until she caught up. She has been wishy washy about school work and her mother is as well, while my brother is strict about it for two weeks then folds out of exhaustion from trying to enforce something that my niece could clearly not give two shits about. So I just stepped in and said, she had another week, to catch up.

I felt like, she needs to understand that this is important, it is her first year of high school.

I guess I was being a parent, in an Auntie way.

I am pretty sure things won't change much in the next week...

but I wanted to put my two cents in, I guess.

School was super important to me, and I equated knowledge with freedom. 

I was teased/bullied for being smart in elementary school, so much so, the teachers had a meeting with the class when I wasn't there, which made it worse and so I pulled back and stopped trying. It took years to mentally recoup myself and by the end of high school, I was pushing forward and making great efforts-and college was another hill but I took every class the community college offered and found myself quite smart...

much to the surprise to many around me, who had kept the image of apathetic me in mind.

I love learning and school.

My brother didn't nor did his wife.

so there is that.

The Barren and I have plans for her next weekend, some live local music, bookstores and space to talk or simply draw.

 We look forward to learning more about her, if she allows us.

We are done being a parent and ready to simple be allies or influencers.

After Party

Niece is healed

I am thankful that she can do things like lay on her stomach and exercise again.

yeah science!

My birthday came and went

birthday outfit

I started the day with yoga...

turns out, the one person I chat with in morning classes is a birthday twin!

Never in my life have I known someone else who shares my birthday!

( I will call it mine even though it is hers too)

CRAZY

I had breakfast chessecake bars with my parents, 

along with an awkward but nice visit.

The Barren sent flowers to me, 

he hasn't done that in years!

and then I was alone...

I wondered what to do.

I bought myself some lunch out

I went to a thrift store

and then came home again still not sure what to do with myself.

I ended the night with some couch time with the cat and then off to bed.

I think I need to plan my birthday activities far better for next year.

I am left with a feeling of disappointment in myself.

The Barren returned and will be leaving again Sunday for another week away....

I am excited about what he will be able to do while away...but I miss him terribly.

I have yet to get my period too...

seems I am already all over the board with my cycles.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday...

just to cross that off my worry list.

Now it is a worry...before it would not have been,

TRANSITIONAL THINKING anyone??

The Barren asked if it felt weird peeing on a stick again...

I said it wasn't too weird except I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

The not bleeding thing is wild, and quite a convenient feature in my day.

I am apocalypse level loaded up on tampons and pads... and if things continue like this, 

I will make them into small grab bags for homeless women I encounter.

I was chatting with a yoga teacher before class the other day and she asked how I was feeling post birthday...she is a true star gazer and always keeps me in the loop about astro changes and how they are linked with mood and life...and I explained aside from the normal existential thoughts around your birthday it feels like something in percolating.

I eagerly await this wonderful new event!

I am done with negative shit

Aligned

It is gonna be quite a week!

Today my niece (15yrs old) is having a 10cm cyst **removed from her left ovary

The same surgery I had

the same ovary

27years earlier

The doctor assured her parents that she would also look for endo

She has no questions, but like many teens is only concerned about needles.

She is set to have the operation about 3 hours from now.

I gave my brother tips that helped me make the experience more comfortable....

most of my suggestions have fallen outside the wall he and my sister in law have constructed.

My father asked me a couple questions through gritted teeth the night he and my mother found out...

He is angry about it.

I think it is safe to say we all are concerned 

I am hopeful that she will be better after the surgery than her current state.

The cyst can be seen bulging from her tummy when she lays down.

I am thankful that they are checking for endo 

and that ideally will find nothing or able to remove what is found.

I am at the studio and home today. 

I was told there was no reason for me to be there today.

(I'll be at the door to the wall, with pear juice, some magazines and GasX in hand tomorrow)

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The Barren is traveling for work this week

He is thousands of miles away.

I didn't get the morning call and TOTALLY had a massive panic attack

He finally called a half hour later, and when I heard his voice I tumbled into a puddle

unable to hide my concern and fears.

He apologized repeatedly 

Why the concern? He had a coworker/friend die on a work trip 

So since then I have been pretty terrified 

He travels again the first week of May

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I am due to get my first real period soon...I think today but who knows?!

It feels like it is readying herself....but I don't really know

so the wait begins

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The Barren's Aunt is donating a kidney today

I found out via social media...

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My birthday is Thursday

I have no plans, no parties, other than take a yoga class in the afternoon

I had a sweet treat time with The Barren this past weekend...

Put on a pretty dress, had a fancy drink and got some much needed time with him 

It is a strangely aligned week.

I am cleaning and dumping old paperwork out of corners of the house to keep myself busy.

The world feels different

**The cyst was 14cm and consisted of three pieces all surrounding her ovary. One included hair, the other two had thick liquid in them. The surgery lasted 2.5hours and in the removal she lost a portion of her left ovary. The doctor assured her parents that the portion that remains has eggs/follicles and her tube is healthy...the doctor was glad she got her in so quickly as this was a ticking bomb.

Mind Games

So this not bleeding thing is pretty awesome...

I am comfortable, and feeling like me...whatever that means, I am still learning.

I actually laughed out loud when I read this

Last Friday I went to class and as I entered the studio I had the optics appear before a migraine..

I ran out to the car and took my aspirin and then returned to the studio to take class.

normally my optics don't mean anything except slow down...so I did

the optical stuff dissipated (thanks aspirin) and I felt better, I had opened my vessels and I was putting super oxygenated blood into my brain...

well about half way through class the pain started...I slowed down and did as much as I could.

At the end of class I sat for a little bit thinking maybe it was too hot, or my blood pressure needed to regulate. It was pounding as I walked to the car...and I was feeling quite un-okay.

I had to pick up something from the pharmacy and was thankful that they had a drive thru window, as I smelt REALLY strong and could not imagine masking the pain I was experiencing.

I made it home, ate some pre-made soup and fell into bed.

The cat kept me company:

I was down for the rest of the day, moaning and waiting to be able to take a migraine pill

it was areal adulting moment and I figured as the hormones regulate to my own thing...I might be flattened every once in a while.

The next day I sliced my thumb open while framing artwork and I got to the see The Barren almost pass out from seeing the blood flow outta my finger and into the sink and neighboring counters.

Meanwhile I was looking to see how many fingers were indeed involved in the slip.

It was just my thumb, on my dominate hand.

It didn't hurt and I was strangely calm...

it stopped bleeding and I got to reassure The Barren that it was not infected...

I kept telling him that my body heals itself.

It is amazingly reliable that way.

I spent Sunday on the couch, hiding from additional possible things I could hurt myself on.

Other than that...I am trying to stay busy.

Take yoga as often as possible

eat well

take my vitamins

get sleep

and try and find time with my hubby

We seem to be ships passing-

our schedules are not aligning much and he has back to back travel for business coming up starting next week. So the solo thing is something I need to get cozy with.

We tell each other how much we miss each other...but time never seems to synchronize.

So, still waiting for that big sexual peak thing to snap into place, 

while we are both in the room.

This latest transition is very mortal

I am reminded a lot of my impermanence

I am not sure if it is because I am more aware of it now 

or if I had missed the signs all these years...

Continue to be kind to yourself

A whole new womb

***below is some babble-and bad punctuation***

I am entering a whole new stage of womanhood 

and closing the door on the reproductive years.

it is so very bittersweet

Even with a decade plus of absolute heartbreak and 

another myriad of years of confusion 

with a sense of being untethered to any one point or direction in my life...

I am here now

I am not on any birth control and I have finally stopped bleeding!

I am kind of in shock about that still...

After bleeding daily for 6 months it is strange to suddenly not!

I even have a bit of my sex drive returning, which lets face it, is a BIG DEAL!

I was actually kind of mad that I would miss my sexual prime 

under a haze of birth control pills...

Seems I might get some fun outta this yet!

We (The Barren and I ) seem to run in tangents and this whole new road has intersected with a need to "organize" our lives a bit more. Which has manifested in cleaning out old boxes and flushing the dead space. I think with the recent loss of our beloved cat, we needed to shift the energy and this seemed like the closest sitting duck.

It has meant that I have gone through boxes and boxes of memories! 

What we had imagined for myself, what I had passion in and where it landed.

We got rid of kids things, and toys we kept in the house for nieces and nephews,

 all of which are too old for them now.

We kept saying " someone else will be really excited by this" 

as we plopped it into a give away box for the thrift store.

At the end of the day, he felt like he could breathe easier and

 I had nights filled with dreams of lost items and crashes into buildings!

We are being kind about how quickly we make choices, sometimes they will just be repacked and put back into storage, to be opened in the future when things feel less raw. Other times It seems like a brave and heroic feat to let go of the item.

It is a strange time...

I am really feeling like I am floating in a vast unknown land.

I am really in this blind, I do not remember anyone talking or telling me what to expect as you transition into menopause...nothing in sex ed, or doctors or anything!

Well, not until last year when the word was used for the first time in my life in reference to me!

Even after asking what that meant, it was still " it can be anything" was the most precise response, which still seemed lacking at best. 

I am not afraid anymore...I am trying to take each day as it comes.

Some have sorrow wrapped into them, some are manic and I am super energetic and ready to take on the world! As I wait out the readjustment of hormones I will play along as best I can...

be kind to myself, and not give too much away.