Reflections on a birthday

I got super emotional in the two days before my birthday. 

Someone texted me asking if I was really excited about my upcoming birthday and I responded with: "I'm in flux, in the middle of some kind of personal change, so I'm emotional and panicky"

Do you ever get that way?

My mom came over the next day, we spent time together just going to thrift shops and chatting.

 It was what I was looking for. 

A day of no real commitments and let my brain run loose.

I was having a REALLY hard time deciding what I wanted to do on the actual day. It seemed to really peeve The Barren and my parents, who clearly wanted some guidance on the matter.

I just was too spun mentally...but wanted to make a decision about it.

I even got a rejection letter that day and it left me un-phased

My black and white cat served as a therapy cat for her, she recently lost her beloved male cat and finds spending time with mine comforting. 

My kitty is glad to oblige, especially when brushing is involved:

She was still hanging out when I decided I would make my own birthday cake.

On my actual birthday, I made myself a crazy vegan cake, 

and invited nearby friends to come and share in the sugar!

recipe here

IT WAS AMAZING
Vanilla cake (I added orange zest) and vanilla frosting

My bestie sent me a little love package and it made me laugh!

Copper colored wooden clogs!

with a divot for my big toe

Fancy Smancy

I put on a fancy new dress I got just for my birthday, 

and greeted peeps as they arrived.

Everyone got cake and ice cream 

My parents parked themselves on the couch and didn't move for 5 hours!

It was strange at times, and quiet and I reminded me of a proper Victorian sitting room where everyone sits in their own chairs and has conversations in a circle...each waiting for their turn.

hahah

very proper...

When the friends fanned out, my brother arrived with his wife and kids and we all left for a restaurant that could seat 9 easily...it was outdoors and I got to watch the sunset display beautiful colors between the clouds and sky.

My nephew then provided dinner entertainment as he is just barely aware of the power of appendages and spilled the first two glasses of lemonade that were brought to the table.

Later in the evening while explaining something else, he knocked over 6 glasses at one time soaking his baby sister at the end of the table in ice cubes and ice tea.

This second act, had me laughing so hard...the best part was that he said:

"wow that was almost like dominoes"

I agreed and continued to laugh

I think I was the only one that saw the humor in his loosey goosey arms...

He took out well made plans, 

He upset the order of things

and left me laughing

I loved it!

Life is like that.

Eve'of

This is the eve of my 45th birthday.

What an amazing gift this is!

I have made it this far,

although it has not always been smooth sailing

I have made great efforts to see past pain, 

figure out how to better myself, 

how to give more, 

how to be more compassionate and empathetic.

I am thankful that:

My body has carried me across paths I hadn't planned to take, 

my lungs have provided enough air to cry and laugh.

My eyes have given me vision to distance myself or move closer.

My voice has always been there to speak up. 

I look forward to seeing new amazing sites

Feeling deep, lovely new feelings

Smiling a lot easier

and sleeping more peacefully.

I am here, and on the edge of great new possibilities for myself

funny for today

Niece

My niece just celebrated her 11th birthday!

I think I am still in shock

*Sigh*

I remember rushing the the hospital when my SIL was in labor and thinking, maybe I will be here next, tucked away in a labor and delivery room while everyone else waits on our child's arrival.

We had her little brother over the night before the party, for an overnight and a marathon session of Minecraft with his uncle. We ate and gamed and then loaded him into the car for the party...working hard to keep him awake along the 45minute drive home.

My niece had only a few friends over, although she invited her entire class of 30+ kids, only 9 or so said they'd come. It ended up being a good small party where she was not so overwhelmed that she could be social with everyone, including the two boys that came. 

I introduced myself to every kid as the birthday girls Auntie 

which seemed to make them all feel at ease.

It was a 50's theme and I took photos 

 Since all these kids grew up around camera phones, no one had an issue having their photo taken, or their activities documented.

Most of them posed anytime the camera was anywhere near my face.

In fact, they were so relaxed that when they had a trivia question, they asked me first:

Was Michael Jackson's music popular in the 50's?

I held it together and explained that he wasn't, and that he didn't start singing until the 60's with his brothers in the Jackson Five. 

No one danced but it was a social peek into the mind and body language of tween.

When it was time for pin the tail on the donkey, my niece did a clothing change and came out in her skinny jeans, mini heels and tank top, still sporting her eye liner and lipstick that her mom applied earlier. My brother and hubby took a deep sigh, as this was the moment when she started looking like a teenager, a heartbreak, someone they need to worry about, someone who was suddenly becoming themselves, or trying to.

I remember 11, I was beyond awkward. Self-assured, but shaky in my convictions.

Not this lady....she is sturdy in her beliefs and self.

When it was time to have cake she posed with her cupcakes and kids descended on them like they hadn't just eaten the hamburgers and french fries and milkshakes my brother and SIL had just fed them. I have been given the great pleasure of making the birthday cakes for all of my brothers kids. Since birth!

I explained to them that I would not be able to make cakes for my own kids and that this would give me so much pleasure....and save them cash...so whether it is one dozen cupcakes or four dozen cupcakes I am your girl! Plus I also make a personal cake for the birthday kid, to do with what they wish. When the kids were little little they were able to put their fist in the cake or face in the cake and enjoy it in their own way, while their guest could enjoy a booger free cupcake of their own. 

Free from cooties and saliva.

My nieces cake was presented on an vinyl album, and made to look like a record.

Her request, and the cake was chochochocholate, with chocolate chips inside the cake.

She tore it apart and ate it with a fork, but the pleasure was in dismantling it as she saw fit.

She is 11 now, and it feels like time is speeding up

Maybe it is that I am more present, or she is more mature 

either way, 

I just hope she can always be true to herself, 

and talk openly with me when she needs something 

big or small, like what she wants next years cake to look like.

Women of a certain age

My birthday is around the corner and while speaking to my mother, 

I expressed that I had no problem with my age. 

I explained that in my mind, this milestone number 

will release me from all sorts of things...

but mostly THE PEP TALK statement 

" there is still time to try and have kids, don't give up!"

I am done with people telling me to not give up, keep trying

and that there is still time.

I am actually feeling kind of soapboxy about it lately.

 I've spent years waiting, trying and watching life go by 

as I pinned my hopes on something that wasn't going to happen.

Actually now is the time to LIVE

I don't want to give up on me, on us, on what we still have left!

My mother seemed a little emotional about my revolutionary call to arms. 

I see her watch me ever so closely when I have a little rant or rave. 

I have done this since I was a child...but not until recently was I ever really heard 

( that took loads of therapy to figure out)

So when I see her watch me, I see her witnessing her reality of time 

and how long ago she was 

a young (she was 22 when I came into being) mom 

and all the hopes and dreams she had for me.

She declared " this is quite a milestone for you then isn't it"

I changed the subject, as I didn't want her to become a puddle of tears.

We then talked about our daily practice of our power poses, was she doing her "wonder woman"?

We had seen a TED talk together all about changing your mindset by simply holding these power poses for 2-5 minutes a day or before a big stressful event.

I have been trying to "re-educate" my mother on her feminist theory as it seems to be slipping away as she ages. Reminding her that she still possesses power and a valid voice.

I told her I had come across

a photo of myself that my grandmother had, that had me in this same pose.

I have been holding this pose for decades, 

I was meant to be strong

resourceful

powerful and brave!

I am going to be a 45 year old woman!

who still wants to be Wonder Woman

Grow a pair

Source

In the mornings that I practice, I usually arrive early so that I can clear my mind and warm up with the room to a toasty 100* of so.

I usually lie on my back, and crack it by swinging my legs to the right and left, keeping my shoulders on the floor...it feels really good first thing in the morning.

Once cracked and adjusted back into line I lay with my hands on my ovaries.

Almost like I am protecting them, or shielding them from outside elements.

At first it was a motion I did without thought, involuntarily.

One morning, while settling in, I realized what I was doing and wondered why?

Was it from the years of poking them?

The years of requiring them to preform for us?

The years of extreme pain they caused me, like I was trying to get them to

 "relax and settle down there cowgirls!"

I don't have an answer for it.

 But... while browsing the vast information highway of the internets 

I stumbled on these fine ladies

I felt inspired and proud to see these modern revolutionary feminists!

After reading their mission statement and vision I was smiling.

Womyn making change in the world

**applause**

I will now rethink the power of my ovaries, 

they are mighty

that are big 

and I don't need no fucking balls!

It is the weekend...make these

I have been battling a serious sweet tooth, which has me eating pasta and craving sweets...so I found a recipe that I thought I would try....let's just say I have made them twice now...

OMG, 

like having the most sparkly, magical, decedent, wonderful thing

 sitting on your kitchen counter!

I have been searching for an easy go to dessert to make when fruit or frozen banana "ice cream" just won't cut it. 

I tried a faux cheese cake and used like $15 in nuts and it just gave me a stomach ache....

then I found a recipe on Hell Yeah it's vegan and... 

JUST MAKE THEM!!!

You'll never know they were vegan....really, honest, truly...for reals!

Molasses Chocolate Chip Cookies Author: Claryn 

Ingredients:

 ¾ c + 2 Tbsp granulated sugar 

7 Tbsp vegan butter, softened 

3 Tbsp blackstrap molasses 

½ tsp vanilla extract 

¾ c bread flour 

½ c all­ purpose flour 

1 Tbsp cocoa powder 

1 tsp cinnamon 

½ tsp ground cloves ½ tsp ground ginger ½ tsp baking soda ½ tsp baking powder 

¼ tsp salt 

¾ c vegan chocolate chips 

Instructions 1. Preheat oven to 350F. 2. In a large bowl, cream together sugar, vegan butter, and molasses. 3. Beat in vanilla extract. 4. In a small bowl, sift together flours, cocoa, spices, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. 5. Beat flour mixture into sugar mixture. The dough will be stiff. 6. Fold in chocolate chips. 7. Form dough into 2" balls and bake on a silicone baking mat or cookie sheet lined with parchment paper, 3" apart, for 8­10 minutes. 8. Allow to cool on cookie sheet 2-­3 minutes before transferring to cooling racks or counter. 9. Best enjoyed warm. 

Notes I bake mine for the minimum time because I love soft­baked centers; the longer time will yield crunchier cookies. Recipe by Hell Yeah It's Vegan! 

Really....

I saw this in the morning news stroll I do and it made me laugh out loud!

http://ktla.com/2015/04/15/mom-receives-angry-letter-from-friends-fed-up-with-constant-facebook-posts-about-her-baby/

Kitty Cats View

Exciting day of window watching today, 

new slurry being poured

Mementos of a weekend

Our first Sedar

I made it through! 

We made all the food in time, and was able to stuff the bellies of my parents with yummy food that was different and delicious.

The Barren made it home in time to cook the meat and fire up the BBQ for the fish and bones.

We worked together and made it happen.

My mother was beyond touched that I wanted her to do NOTHING but sit and enjoy a hot meal, 

my father got super emotional stating that he was deeply touched that The Barren embraced the rituals from day one with not an ounce of hesitation or question.

It was an emotional dinner

My table was set with dishes that we only use every once in a blue moon, because I love them so much, and we are like bears in the kitchen and break so many things. The candlesticks belonged to my great grandmother. They remind me of the Minoan snake goddess, and that makes me love them even more.  The tablecloth and napkins belonged to my grandmother, complete with stains from meals past. The matzo cover belonged to The Barrens grandmother, I am pretty sure it was not designed to be a matzo cover, but it is now and I am sure she is happy about it. The crocheted doilies were made by an adopted grandmother in Slovakia, as a wedding gift to us. 

It felt like I was calling all these loved ladies to the table to eat with us.

Have a hot Passover meal, put your feet up and let me spoil you.

This time of year

I decided when my mother asked if we could come over for a last minute holiday dinner that we would host the second night of the holiday at our home. Just the parents and The Barren and myself.

It will be the first time I have done this and frankly, it is exciting and scary and a little sad.

I have spent the last two days planning the meal and making accommodations for food preferences and restrictions and flavors.

I spent a good portion of last night and today going from shop to shop looking for very specific foods and goods, and have found that we do not live in a neighborhood that caters to a wide variety of ethnic goods.

I have brought it all home and put it in the fridge, and checked off all the items of the lists I made.

I am now making a timeline so that I know what to make when and time it all so that I can sit and enjoy the meal with the parents, instead of what my mother usually does which is sit for 30 seconds and then jump up to start the next item....never really engaging in conversation or being present.

All these years I was asked to do the same, so by the time the last member at the table got their dish of food, I was up with my mother/grandmother and readying the next course.

Sitting only for a moment to eat cooled soup.

I am gonna do it different.

I am the next generation, the one that has witnessed this ritual for 40+ years and wondered why gather all these people if you can't sit and talk with them.

I am not adhering to the strictest of the laws, or making sure EVERYTHING is specially made for the holiday. Instead I am making everything from scratch, with love and care and thought.

I think that is the most important part.

While I prepare for this meal and evening, I think about my grandparents and the grandparents before them, I think about the children that are not here to talk to about the holiday and 

why my we makes a big deal out of it. 

I think about how big the table of people use to be and how small it is now.

It is a strange sensation.

I am taking great pride in hosting this and carrying on a generations old tradition, yet, I am also

holding in secret, the sorrow in my heart for those that are not here.

Introspection

“Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.” 
― Tyler Knott Gregson

This was the quote read to us prior to practice.

it resonated with me

Hunger

So a few things have been happening, but ever so slowly.

I am currently in a two person show, the opening seemed quiet, and funky...

but my work is out there and ideally will catch someones eye.

I never want to bring home the same number of works that I took to the gallery.

Openings are usually the best chance in a show to sell work.

I got dressed up for the opening, it was hot for this time of the year...in the 80's and the atelier has no windows so that added to the heat index (lights, nerves and people in a small space)

I took a bus to the event as The Barren was meeting me there and we were gonna make a date of it afterwards. I was a little nervous and although there is no LOGICAL reason to be nervous,
 I still am every time.

I had a glass of wine beforehand, on an empty-ish tummy...and talked it out with The Barren.

While I walked to the studio, as The Barren was settling the tab, I noticed my name on a phone pole!

My image was on every pole within three blocks of the studio, I had never experienced this before:

it was like cool billboards- in mini form.

The gallery owner had done this.

How did I get this two person show?

There was an email sent out to an art group I am part of asking for artists to submit framed work for consideration if it fell into a particular theme.

I submitted and through some painfully awkward exchanges my work was selected.

When I asked the gallery owner why she chose my work she said:

" well it was you and this other artist and she made mushy colored stuff...so I picked yours"

Family and some friends attended and I am thankful for that as the evening rolled along slowly, and I was thankful for the lighthearted conversations and hugs.
My tummy was gurgling the whole time, the gallery had provided wine and a box of crackers....
I don't know about you, but I have learned that when you are eating at a public place, fingers and hands are dirty...and I was not going to eat from a bowl of booger fingered crackers.
grossss
I answered a lot of questions about process and materials and met a lot of people...all in all it was mellow and there was no reason to be concerned.
The Barren was patient and someone even asked him if he was Mr. Barreness...it was funny to hear my name used as his. He graciously answered yes.

I was quite hungry when the show time was over and
we decided to go to a public market and get some grub and grog there:

brew and Asian food

I was ravenous and we ended up getting noodles and it was perfect,
but really, I could have eaten a bathtub full of them by the time we sat down to eat....

It has been a slow start to the year for me.
I have been reflecting on it and quite frankly funds are a major part of not putting so much out there. Framing, shipping, return shipping, entry costs all add up sooooooooo fast.
I have become QUITE picky with what and who I send work to.

I am working slowly on new stuff and I am trying to figure out why I feel like
 wind has been taken out of my sails?!

What is making me so HUNGRY (figuratively) and
why am not feeling full when I find something I enjoy?

My apparent Achilles heel

Friday morning is a wild one.

My teacher on Friday is a guy who really loves 80's music.

He makes his own mixes and is a former gym rat so there is often some random cardio thing thrown into the normal rotation of salutations and poses.

Most mornings I giggle to myself remembering where I was or what life was like when I hear the songs. Mostly Jr High and High school...torment!!

The songs are often heavy on emotion and fluffy, ya know a good 80's John Hughes film kind of thing.

Last week he threw in a vintage Michael Jackson song:

http://youtu.be/yURRmWtbTbo?list=PL6F87DB8C3DF6BC47

I was amused and glad to hear an old school MJ song that I remember from childhood. 

I smiled during the flow and nodded my head, tapped my hands.

This morning though, this morning was different.

I got to class early, had a little small talk with the teacher about this cool article I saw, and sat in the room before class to warm up with the room.

I was breathing and thinking about how sleepy I still was, but was here to do my best.

I don't have to be good at it, I just have to do.

The class filled up, each of us in our places and we started the warm up...the music started and I felt a twitch. Then I started to smile...and I lost count of my breath.

What was happening?!

Over the speaker system was this song and then the dance mix of this song followed

Before I could do anything, she burst forth....

he had found my apparent Achilles heel and my inner 13 year old self could not contain her joy and glee and as I pressed into my down-dog she began to sing along with the music!!

She knew all the words and dance moves.

How embarrassing, she was totally embarrassing me....

I could see her dancing around the room to the song and singing to herself in her bedroom mirror.

I checked my reflection and although I was only mouthing the words 

 my inner teenager was making a scene ....

finally I just let her play 

Why was I trying to stop her?

I watched her set free her joy and it was amazing

Just because

Just because

source

Wild Heart

a kind of free thought post...

So The Barren is working elsewhere this week and I am home and left to my own devices.

I mention this because it accentuates the amount of time I spend alone.

My artwork naturally requires I work alone and often for hours on end...

I find myself talking to the cats and myself and then when I need to run an errand, 

I am HYPER social, 

to the point of me hearing my own voice and thinking:

 Who is that lady? She sounds like a cheerleader, all excited about a head a lettuce...

So I am almost always eager to stop working when The Barren arrives home and socialize with someone I adore and can answer me back .

This last weekend two of my girlfriends hubby's were out of town on a "boys weekend" and when The Barren heard this he said I am taking you all out.

At first, I was a little jealous, I mean he is mine! but then I thought about how they might feel that same kind of alone I feel during the week so I agreed.

It was a nice no pressure kind of night, the ladies were totally touched 

and we had a few drinks and some food.

When we went to pick up the first one, 

she said she was ravenous and then looked at me and said:

" I'm pregnant"

I was struck by how ballsy she said it, but then she expressed how she was kind of scared to tell me

and decided that she should just do it like a band-aid, and blurt it out.

The Barren was in a nearby room within earshot and said..."did I hear that right?"

I thanked her for telling us and that she did perfect.

The rest of the night had baby tentacles in the conversations of

 " my baby, and my body and when the baby comes"

She is 10.5 weeks and was bursting to tell people...so she told her closest.

I was touched and only lost myself in thought once...

when The Barren said: what was the name we had?

I shot him a look and he instantly realized he had walked on sacred ground.

I guess there will always be things I will not give up.

The rest of the night every time she mentioned baby things, I was thinking, thank goodness 

I am looking forward to watching them be parents...it will be awesome!

We quietly checked in with each other all night: you alright? need a break?

While sitting at a pre-party to our group date out, 

she mentioned that she blurted out her pregnancy to other female friends that are trying, and they were supportive...but I thought about them and their struggles up to now to become parents.

it was a wild heart kind of valentines.

Twists and turns and loop d loops

After we dropped off the ladies at a modest 9pm, we went home and got into PJ's and snuggled down.

I fell asleep first...very romantic.

 This week I am going to business meetings, practice and ideally get some office work too.

It is quiet now and leads my overwhelmed mind on divergent trails of thought...but I want to have a productive week, and not feel as though I am simply passing days until The Barren arrives home.

I spent a lot of time alone in my 20's traveling, and on one trip far far from home, when The Barren and I were dating, I sat down in this beautiful place, alone with a journal/sketchbook and thought

"it would be really nice to turn to someone and say isn't that beautiful?!"

I think that is when I knew I was ready to be with The Barren, 

because I wanted that someone to be him.

The amazing card I got on hearts day said the same to me.

My heart is full with love for that amazing man.

Thankful Thursday-Personal Goals

OK I am first to admit my personal goals are sometimes small and seem REALLY silly,

BUT

Today I met a personal goal.

I am in the middle of my period week, 

usually a day I am laid up and under the influence of a pain pill and bad television. 

Instead this morning, I got up and went to yoga.

It turned out that we had a substitute and it was a really challenging class, and I made it through.

I was in no pain, panting yes, but I didn't bleed out of my clothes and in fact I feel pretty darn alright!

I was even able to do a real version of this pose....

it has taken about a year and a half...and I might have been a little closer to the floor.....

but

my string bean arms are learning that I mean business and I want to be able to do a real push up. 

HELL YEAH!!

yoga love

I know that it looks like no big deal, but I am someone who has NEVER been able to do a push-up or pull-up so this turns out to be a BIG deal for me.

I am also happy to report that The Barren is still at it...

he is in his second week of running and I am so so so proud of him! 

I am reclaiming my body, I am dropping the protective layers I had built for so many years!

I am fine, I am whole...and getting stronger everyday.

Even when I feel unstable or unsure, I am growing stronger and more sure.

My feet are firmly planted on the ground.

10 years ago today, our goddaughter was born, and I attended the birth.

Watching her take her first breath, 

while trying to breath between my own mind-numbing menstrual pain.

three days later I was in the ER with a 10mm corpus luteum and a doctor asking us if we were done making babies. Our goddaughter had always been a marker of the start of the downfall.

 Last night we gave her a gift and listened to her tell us her birthday plans.

I was not remembering the pain or the sorrow...

I was lost in her joy.

We are slowing looking at other versions of ourselves. 

We are trying new things with our bodies and re-thinking our self-imposed restrictions.

This weekend is the anniversary of the day we asked each other to marry each other.

I am so thankful that my vision was so clear to ask The Barren to marry me.

I am so thankful that we are taking this journey together.

I am so thankful that we are each others cheerleaders.

I am so thankful

What the funking groovin ?!

I am not sure what is happening, but something clearly is....

I went on a run with The Barren this morning.

I am not a runner, I do not like running and I never have. 

In fact, my mother use to write notes under my direction everyday to the PE teacher blaming everything from cramps and growing pains to my favorite " I was not designed to run"

I use to walk the mile every time it was was required...always coming in last proudly.

When we lived in a hot climate, I told the teacher I would get heat stroke if I exerted myself any further than walking.

But this morning, as an act of encouragement I did the first day of a "couch to 5k" routine 

Mind you, I only signed up for a week, to jump start his new routine, because when I started my practice I had a friend with me too.

In the wake of this adventure this morning, I am feeling quite..... well, proud.

The program has you gently moving from 60 seconds of running and 

90 seconds of walking to a 5k run after about 9 weeks.

The Barren wanted to try this out and I want to support him...so I guess I will be running when I am not doing yoga.

It is a win win.

Our adventure this last weekend was filled with adventure

We ventured into the BIG CITY once again as The Barren heard that these

women were going to be in attendance at a big BOOK FAIR!!

I have been a HUGE fan and disciple since I was in high school.

In fact I have this xeroxed poster on my wall still, complete with pin holes from years of wall displays.

I got m fangirl photo and was on cloud nine for quite a while!

The fair was a bibliophiles wet dream, 250 displays from independent presses, big printers and everything in between!

We both bought a bunch of stuff....and scored some great things!

There was, much to both our surprise, a lot of pornography.

Like everywhere and in all sorts of different forms. 

We had a lively discussion about how would we navigate a small person through this show? It lead to me asking several of our friends this same question...

How would you deal with a 60foot wall of film stills from a porn movies? or If you saw a poster of an erect penis with condom on it how would you react with little person? Or Hey there was a picture book on display from a gay publisher on leather bondage and play...would you allow the little to see it? Or how would you navigate it?

Some of my favorites:

A tiny book on the many ways of the Potato!

Adorable sweet little book

You can get your own here

I stopped at a booth that had vintage mugshot cards from 1910 or so, and was drooling over them, but we both agreed that $150.00 each was a bit spendy. So I took a photo instead:

There were also vintage first edition art books and photo book publishers

Ephemera from the late 70's/80's punk rock scene...complete with jackets covered in band patches.

Kill your idols/Ginko press booth
note the wall of punk singers!

I also stopped into this bus, as I dream of having an art bus like this.

In it I made a purchase of this Poster:

Poster by Peter Nevins

All in all it was a visual overload day, amazing and fun and I met an oscar nominated person face to face by acting like a dork.

We also saw this person and this person at breakfast.

Lunch had more people watching and then our drive home was quiet.

We were spent. Nap anyone?!

 dinner was Indian take-out and we both fell into a coma like slumber.

Now, now we are adventure people, we are free movers and deep thinkers

I am inspired and have already thought about publishing

 my Infertility show in book form this year, as it will be it's fifth anniversary!

That is inspiring!!

That is hopeful

That is growth!

Fun Time-Dork Time

OK I had a super fun time and I have tons to say about it but I had to tell you how I was a dork first:

I was talking to a vendor at the Book event and was trying to get a business card....

but there were lots of people crowding the area around the cards...so I said:

"I am sorry but I can't get a card because all the cool kids are here"

he went to get a card and a woman said:

Oh I'm sorry and motioned to move her daughter....

when I looked up I was eye to eye with THIS BLONDE PERSON

I looked at her and said " oh it's OK, I've got a card now"

thanks

I walked away as cool as I could and barely made it to The Barren with out a smile on my face.

because you see I was trying to be the cool kid

failed

but giggled

Adventure Time

Last weekend we ventured into the BIG CITY, I was born there but my hippie parents wanted us to have a memories of  our childhood that contained less cement. 

Instead it was replaced with bullies and heat in the triple digits.

ahhhh adolescence

Imagine their fear and shock when I was selected for an art college in another BIG CITY, telling them that I wanted excitement and adventure. Funds dried up fast and I was never able to attend the college that I had wanted....but that is totally fine because I worked my arse off and ended up sending myself around the world and having adventures of my own choosing.

fantastic signage

So back to my reason for mentioning adventure...

We woke up early and decided to make a weekend of caffeine and art.

We were planned to go to 5 different coffee shops and a day trip.

We went to see a big exhibition on Samurai stuff....

not real horses, but really good models and scary dudes

pretty dragonflies and wheat

"feathers" made from lacquered paper!

it was wild and beautiful and impressive, 

the swords were in another building and it was interesting as well. 

The Barren was like a little kid and we spent a fair bit of time gazing at the details that were several hundreds of years old. This exhibit lead to another, of majestic landscapes and that was kind of boring...and then we entered a third exhibition...I am still haunted by it.

It was a retrospective of an artist and frankly there was no real information anywhere what anything was....so you were disoriented from the beginning. 

We saw a trio of environment makers (fog, snow and rain) accompanying a sculpture that had an active beehive on its face:

this was next to a broken ice rink that was decomposing....and then a rock in a tank of water.

and a wall rubbing with a turtle fossil:

then we saw people coming in and out of a pair of curtains and the guards opened them and we went into a TOTALLY pitch black room, with nothing but "soothing" music and a smoke maker and cube of lights....

it was interesting but the air was stale and I started to not be able to breath, and The Barren was grabbing hold of me sooooo tightly that I think that might have helped restrict my airflow.

we left this room only to enter another that was showing a film, and as I settled onto a bench I saw the saucers of The Barren's eyes and I realized something was amiss...it was the film, it was a monkey wearing a human shaped mask, crawling on the floor...it was terrifying!

another tank was in the middle of the room with lights that made the water inside foggy and then clear....we left this room and passed through another with a film of something being thrown repeatedly...than a final tank that had crabs with Constantin Brancusi’s Sleeping Muse masks attached to them, dragging their overbearing shells across the sandy bottom.

The Barren left the room and the building,..I was still dazed and disoriented...

Apparently we missed the Ibizan hound that wanders the exhibition and the artist who shows up in an illuminated mask in that pitch black room! 

Frankly I think I would have peed myself.

It was like being in a dream, and a david lynch film and something else all together!

Outside I felt like my brain had been electrified and I was on edge....we sat for a little while as we waited for the electricity to dissipate a little.

We visited some of my favorite artworks and I took some fan girl photos next to them.

Lunch was from a food truck and we both got indigestion.

hahaha

cool booth which is now an installed art piece

detail

The city was exciting and a reminder that we are not city dwellers....

We made it home by mid day and proceeded to fall into a deep nap until dinner.

A little more caffeine and we ventured into the night in our hometown.

This adventure was possible because of our ease of movement.

We encountered a lot of parents that looked mellow and handling it all.

Sleeping children and kids with maps looking for their treasure.

 Then there were the others, singing opera in the art exhibition areas....running up and down the city streets, crying and refusing to eat what was being offered.

It was easy to have that moment of "aaah" we can come and go as we please. We can eat when we want, and see what we choose. There was a guilty kind of freedom associated with the day.

Our friends had moved the day before, and we helped only a little bit...and then walked away as their daughters searched for their items in the piles of unorganized goods.

We could do that.

I heard of another infertile that has become pregnant, she is on strict bed-rest for most of her pregnancy. I wish her well and will be interacting with this newest person through family events....but when I heard the news (which is still quite hush hush, so don't tell anyone) 

my first thought was " ugh, I am too tired to think of going through all this again"

I know there will be comparisons to us again...and frankly I am just over it!

I have a big milestone birthday coming up and it is the age of no return in my mind.

I am not going to have kids, it is a matter of fact.

So I am going to live my life as happily as I can now, I am done with sadness and what ifs and maybe if I just try, and if I only....

I am whole, I have a family, I am not at fault.

Soooooo.......

This weekend we are doing another adventure! 

and it includes BOOKS!!