Exhale bullshit in two parts

So yesterday was a red flag day, rolling blackouts and an official stay at home order.

Normal December day, with temps in the 80's and no rain in sight.

I am working really hard on not seeing this as a twisted version of Russian Doll

wake up, and start only to have the air knocked out of you after the first foot hits the floor.

I have stopped reading the news again...after seeing the ding dong loose over and over in each recount it was all the joy I needed.

The Barren has grown more and more concerned as things are shifting again, and there are people plotting violence and no order from officials about stay at home orders and the virus is spreading at a break neck speed...so he is mentally preparing himself and maybe me in a way, for civil unrest and war.

I continue to try and keep my eye above the ground and be a little afloat in this sea of chaos.

My parents are bored out of their heads, and I am concerned about their mental health as this wears on.

My extended family is a mix of " fuck it " and " I don't think I'll catch it" 

So that is reassuring and has made it so that we barely talk to anyone...

isolating and strange silences.

My MIL called The Barren this past weekend to proclaim that she was not doing anything for Christmas, and that we are to expect nothing from her. There are too many stupid people spreading the virus and she is staying in.

So you know we talk with her still...

My FIL called and spoke to The Barren to share some craft stories and let him know that he is waiting for the vaccine....so we still talk to him.

My SIL (brothers family) maintains hermit status and home schooling and the two teenagers in that house are going loopy from isolation. While the littlest is happy to have so much time with everyone.

The dogs agree.

So you know we still talk to them.

My bestie and family isolated for two weeks after being exposed by extended family who bullied them into a visit with their 90+ yr old grandma.

Thank goddess besties family all wore masks and stayed as distance as they could as after the quarantine and testing they were all negative !! but the extended family were all positive and got sick.

I flirted with the idea of stopping at my local thrift store to take a peek, as I have not been thrifting since March and I miss it A LOT...

but the line of people outside made me drive on and whimper a little.

I have pulled the holiday décor out, and moved the cats from the mantle to a sunny window so I could decorate the mantle with holiday décor to remind us that it is indeed winter, and holiday time and that there is A LOT to be thankful for.

We are still wanting to be married, we still are healthy, we have healthy family and food in our tummy.

**********************

Part two

**********

Solstice morning- hair aglow

I wrote that earlier this month, and now that we are celebrating Solstice I decided to return for some more reflections.

Today's mediation focus was on changing pain, and reflecting on the bright return of the sun.

It was another lovely cool morning in the park, crows over heard cawing and little birds chirping in the grass under the trees.

I love the feel of the cool wind on my forehead and the quiet that soothes the now constant hiss that my ears produce.

I was reading about the confluence of the planets last night and how it is a time of great manifesting.

Thinking bigger than a foundation, bigger than you would normally think...

I have been having a hard time wanting things for myself and career.

I wonder if I deserve them...or if I have earned them.

If it is really too late for me...

but I want it all!

I want to want it passionately again, drive myself hard to see those things...

Imagine big bright goals.

Places far away, father then I had imagined...

I guess this year has made it harder to see things in the future, dreams that were once easy to imagine are now muted with doubts and wonder if I can go far away again.

I will think on my dreams, the ones I can't imagine for myself and maybe something, somehow will manifest for the future.

The stay at home order is in place, but the numbers are still through the roof and most of the area hospitals are near capacity. So I continue to only go and do grocery shopping, and park mediation classes. I drive by first and assess the crowd and if it seems crowded I pass it on to another day.

I made myself a couple new masks, and strip down when I get home changing clothes from outside to my inside clothes.

My father had a follow-up visit to his physician and thankfully took a list of questions I was set to ask to the appointment and learned new things about his headaches:

My father has viral meningitis most likely contracted back in December of last year...

one of the after affects is long term headaches. 

He is experiencing other elements too like:

 being off balance, sleep issues, light sensitivity and bruising.

His medicine, is giving him hand tremors and accelerated short term memory loss and mild hallucinations; things I noticed in his actions.

The physician saw that I wanted to be involved in the appointment but because of the virus only my father and mother could attend the appointment.

My father is most upset about the fact that he has gained weight.

My family has a HORRIBLE relationship with food and body image, 

 his weight gain is forefront in his mind.

I love the image of the Moon being put back to bed...

as nights becoming shorter, the sun waking and starting to shine longer

and the potential of rain in the middle of this transition, 

like tears flowing as one season says goodbye to another.

So I will sit today, reflecting on health

art

love

desires

and 

hopes for the new days ahead.

Exhaling the bullshit 

inhale

exhale

Familiar Heaviness

**another quarantine ramble**

© The-Barreness.blogspot.com

So here we are in December...it has been a month since we said goodbye to our kitty and I still involuntarily check places he would be. I also have heard little sounds around the home at night and while I sit in the studio thinking, I hear him grooming himself in the chair behind me. 

Last night I swear the blankets had a cat on them as they were so heavy when I pulled them up to my chin.

A familiar heaviness.

Maybe that is it, there is a familiar heaviness in the days now.

The long weekend produced over 1600 new cases in my county, and I expect that number to rise even further as the days pass into the new year.

I spoke with the GI about my first colonoscopy and we agreed that me postposing it was safe and I was at a low risk group. The case numbers are climbing too high and I did not want to take medical people away from helping others that are in a much more dire situation than a routine colon screening. 

I am getting one, just not while the covid numbers are climbing.

The Barren and I had a mediocre Thanksgiving, we shopped for food and made different food and I tried a new recipe that ended up being long labored and came out quite boring! So that put me into quite an off mood. The Barren had a similar situation with his planned sides, and the bread didn't rise as it should have so we quietly ate a disappointing meal.

When my brother facetimed me the next day, he recounted a similar situation of making big efforts to make something special and it coming out super disappointing.

SUPER BUZZKILL

When I was cooling down from my mild temper tantrum, I mentioned to The Barren, 

Why is this different? We have been cooking from home since MARCH.

Making food and trying recipes for months....

Why do we think that thanksgiving is different?

We are thankful and present most days, and give to others every month...

Ugh, it was disappointing to watch others travel and visit others...

Tik Tok had families gathered and boasting that they were all infected...

I am so exhausted of the quarantine, 

and being a rule follower.

I am lonely, tired all the time

Pulling myself through daily chores and mediations.

My yoga studio found a loophole and has declared itself a "wellness center"

so they are now teaching indoor classes, and have reduced the park classes. 

So I fill my schedule with pre-recorded videos and go to the park two times a week to practice at 8 ft away in a mask nearby others.

The studio classes are full (10people per class) and filled with 20-30yr olds.

I am not the studios demographic.

It all makes me feel old and "responsible"

(a label I was given in my 20's and I have tried to fight it, but I am; I am responsible)

Thanksgiving weekend also got us to send our holiday cards out...

(responsible)

We had a portrait taken by a photographer I have admired for a decade, she does Ambrotype portraits and we did one for our 18th wedding anniversary and used it as our card this year.

I got a call from my parents last night that it had arrived and that it was "interesting"

which is coded language for " I don't like it"

sigh

I will leave this post of rambling about the mundane on a high note...

I dropped of my artwork to the gallery for the year end big event!

No reception this year, but a lot of buzz as always...

My piece sold in the first 2hours!!

I don't know who bought it, I will inquire later, but I am happy to have that pressure taken off my chest.

A sale means two things:

1. I have a new collector

2. I get invited back the next year to submit again !

Of the 11 years I have been invited I have sold work in 9 of them.

then when I thought that was my high of the day

I posted a drawing I did of a musician playing their instrument and tagged them on social media.

That musician not only commented on the work 

but BOUGHT a different piece of my art from my ETSY shop!!!

I have to admit, I did one heck of a happy dance.

so there was that too.

A roller coaster of emotions.

Much like the fluctuation in temperature from day to day.

Gone

*** trigger warning, a post about grief and loss ***

 

We held him as he fell into his final sleep. 

17years and 2months after bringing him home; my constant companion for all those years. 

I made choices over these past years to not travel on business trips or even multiple days away, as he got stressed out and I would be distracted by not seeing he was okay.

As he aged I was his primary caretaker and huge portions of my day were spent checking on him, and making sure all his needs were addressed before he knew he needed them. It was something I didn't even think about as the days ran on. He loved me and I loved him.

He was my friend, my confidant and a true companion.

Quarantine made our time together more structured and we napped at or around 1:30pm almost daily together, as I sleep lightly at night, it was an easy way to give him attention and get some soothing from him for my anxiety and sorrow. 

Around mid October, something happened. The Barren and I were chatting and he let out a strange meow, which had us rushing to him. He lost all mobility in his legs, leaving him unable to stand or sit. we took him onto the patio and spoke to him as he looked confused and tired. Our daily hummingbird looked on at him and the scene unfolding. Xander tried to stand and walk indoors and I supported him and took him into my studio where he laid on a pillow on the floor and settled into what we thought was going to be his final moments. Over the next three hours he regained the use of his legs and was able to walk again and eat. I laid awake most of that night checking on him and soothing him through two more mini episodes. I asked The Barren if all my hair had turned white from the shock.

As the next days past, we was totally self propelled....but I started noticing he was more and more tired.

His breathing became more and more labored, he needed to take a break walking down the hallway. He got winded turning around in the seat. He drank less and ate less...the time had come.

A lovely vet came to our home and with one looked said she understood why we called her.

While they prepared his sleeping medicine, he got up from his patio chair, walked into the house, greeted them and then motioned to be picked up. The Barren held him, then handed him to me. I walked back outside and sat with him. The hummingbird returned and sat on the leaf above his feeder and watched.

Xander got a sleeping medicine shot and then the euthanasia shot. He fell into a slow sleep, hearing my heartbeat and his head being covered in kisses.

Simply put, this cat was magic, as I am sure most peoples companions are to them...how lucky we are to be able to walk with them. How lucky I was to give him dignity and a peaceful death.

I sat in the chair the next morning, crying and mourning. The hummingbird arrived and sat on his leaf. He looked at me, then the door and the deck and the chair, waiting and searching for Xander. I watched this for 15minutes...and wondered how do you console a hummingbird?!

Xander's ashes were returned two days later, and we built our annual Dia de los Muertos altar.

The silence in the house is deafening, and maybe that is why I can hear the hissing in my ears so well these days. Today marks one week since he left and I still awake in the middle of the night looking for his fur to pat, peek into rooms to see if he is sleeping quietly...We are donating his food, new cat toys and some cat beds to the rescue we got him from.

The hummingbird comes and sits on his leaf daily still, singing and watching me as I sit in the chair Xander use to sun in and that he took his final breath in. I talk to the hummingbird and thank them for their songs and tell them what a good friend he was to keep Xander company on the patio while he slept and sunned himself in his final months.

Although I have yet to take a nap since he passed, I know that I will eventually...maybe he will come to me in my dreams while I doze and think of him.

**you can hear the hummingbird chirp as he arrives off camera

Breast Up

 

This is what it looks like when you are waiting to find out if 

that the lump they found on a mammogram is gonna try and kill you.

The one you couldn't find, the one the doctor couldn't find...

They took a lot of images, then went into a room and had me wait.

Then they came out and took some more.

Left the room

Then a third time....and I waited.

Then with a smile in their voice, told me I needed an ultrasound.

I was taken into the ultrasound room, jellied up

and it appeared on the screen, clear as day.

It was determined to be a cyst.

No need for additional treatment, unless it grows uncomfortable.

I left the hospital, and sat in my car and cried.

I was relieved, I was thankful...

I am not going to lose my breast.

A collection of shit

***below contains sarcasm, frustration and doctors and shit*** 

So things are cruising along...

We have all voted early and continue to do it, at least it seems like that...and we all want the white supremist racist baboon out of office and he needs to drag all his misogynist friends with him like toilet paper stuck to his shoe.

It is tense here. In fact I chose to get my annual exam before the election as I mentioned to my doctor I was afraid of what may lay ahead until we can get this asshole out of office/power. (like the early fear and an influx of IUDs when he took office)

She mentioned that she read that dentists have been reporting an increase in chipped or cracked teeth in the last year!

I have been wearing my bite plate at night since 2016 election night created a chipped tooth

We are a mess! and fighting the good fights but night time dreams, continued quarantining and additional stress from working at home is taking a toll.

Our cat had, what we assume was, a stroke the night before last, he lost all ability to control his right side legs and mobility and we thought that was it. He laid down on his pillow on the floor, we sat with him talking, petting and saying goodbyes as his breathing was slower and more erratic. Then, he slowly recovered the use of his body...when he stood on his own two and a half hours later....we realized we have a serious badass cat, who just reset his body for the 6th time...when he got up and ate, I looked at The Barren and asked " so is all my hair white now?"  He continues to be stronger and aside from slowing his roll a little more, he is mobile and self driven. I am thankful and still in shock, in fact I think we all are still quite.

So as I mentioned, I went to get my annual check up at the doctor. At 50 you get two new features of the check over: a rectal exam and an order for a colonoscopy. Two gifts I struggled to have enthusiasm about. I was unfazed about the exam, I am a little nervous about the procedure, although almost everyone I know has had it done.

I also got the results from my mammogram I had two days ago and it seems that is a 5mm "subtle nodule" that needs to be looked at more closely.  That has me more anxious, and I am trying to play it all calm in front of The Barren who is clearly quite unsettled by it. I have my super uber ultrasound on Monday (which I pay for because insurance won't) and between that and the extra mammogram and ultrasounds the mammogram place wants to do I hope to have a better sense of what it might be and if a needle biopsy is needed. 

(I am trying really hard to not freak, as a friend had a small change like this on a yearly mammogram and she ended up with a double mastectomy ) 

2020: Like I needed to have another concern or terror this year! 

Oh but according to the scale at the doctors office I was down 14pounds and not a single word about that, except "your BMI is good." So that felt anti-climactic from the doctor that kept telling me to lose 5 more pounds!

Most of my concerns about weird skin textures, and stiffness was attributed to perimenopause and that I will have a unique experience as my mother had a hysterectomy and so I am free floating in that pond of unknown information.

I had blood taken and left and got lunch. It was 100* and I ordered a hot chai, because I just made it through yet another exam.

So how are you all doing? Still locked up like us here in the US? Please share holiday plans, as we will be socially distancing for those too...

On the good news front, hubby's wish came true and we have crows that come to our patio daily and eat peanuts we leave for them. This makes him happy and smile and that makes me feel like there is something really bright and wonderful too look forward to every day! 

Self care and reflection

 

So after a primal scream, deep scary toxic rage , a good long cry, and staying up to 3am to sit and process my feelings...I feel like I am on the other side of my grief from the loss of RBG. 

I am planning and acting.

I am slow on the uptake. Proof being that, today... I decided that I do not need to make political statements in every piece of art I make from here on out. I have nothing to prove to anyone. My actions are my own and I do not have to announce/make public what I do and contribute to make my actions more valid.

I think my shutting down my facebook has highlighted this for me....I spent several hours over a couple of days, manually deleting my history and photos and tags. My page is stripped down to simply my name and I have spent the last two days just taking down information from the things I still want to keep on my radar. Like art groups. My final post was about the loss of RBG and how if you are a woman or know a woman you need to vote and remove the assaulting racist xenophobe and his minions out of office.

I feel set afloat, and quite untethered.

Most recently, like so so many others, I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed and overtaxed emotionally and so in an act of self-care I am focusing my energies on what I hold closest in my heart and plan my actions accordingly.

I enjoy spending time giving, so I am continuing to do that.

I have stepped outside my comfort zone a few times now and it makes me feel better.

Still being sheltered, is getting harder and harder and I was listening to this neurologist on the radio and understood more about a quarantine brain. We need new experiences to allow us to form memories, being in the same place for days on end doesn't allow us to form new memories so it is important to do things that are out of norm; brush your teeth with you less dominate hand, approach a know act from a different direction. If you are driving this could simply mean taking new routes home. 

This adulting thing is becoming a super sucker of fun.

I made an appointment to have my yearly exam with my doctor, I wanted to make sure I would not miss a breast exam or a pap...as this might be harder to come by as we approach November. I have broken my appointments up into several days, to see if that helps reduce my white coat. 

Although...since making the annual appointment I have thought more about my weight than I have all year, and that is a direct reflection on my fear of hearing my doctor tell me I need to loose 5 more pounds to fit on her BMI chart. So maybe it is just my fear of disappointing her, how fucked is that!

I am constantly checking off a list of things in my mind, did I eat this than make sure to do that, make sure you are drinking enough water, not too much caffeine, take your vitamins, YOU FORGOT to take your vitamins, if you mix this with that it is wrong, you are wrong...you messed it up...she is going to tell you how wrong you did this or that...you need to still do this or that...

Anyone see "The Good Place" the above is quite similar to a rant on the show...I  actually got tearful when I realized it.

My dentist can wait - I don't need any guilt from them either.

Has anyone else felt this way about their doctors, post infertility treatments/care? It feels like I want all the other parts of me running without notice (perfectly) so that the drama or the fear of a doctor is abated....I must be nuts...doctors are there to fix, maybe they will always find something wrong regardless of the patients input of efforts?!

I know this entry is mixed up and upside down...so is everything else in this world!

Molehill

 

I tried something new last week.
I did my meditation practice in the park, 

with my teacher and other students, 
at a social distance+, 

while wearing a mask the whole time.

It was a nice change, and something I am going to try and do again this week.

I watched the sun come up

I sat on my mat while bits of green pine cone rained down on me

from the tree and the squirrels eating above.

It was a lovely change.

After class a student that is always in virtual class came up to me and we chatted for a little while.

I was awkward from isolation

spoke in fits and starts

but it was nice to meet someone new!

This same day, we had a mandatory 4 hour power outage at home.

It was planned and I had gotten ice for our perishables.

(this is the foreshadowing part)

The power ended up only being out for a little over an hour...

but...The Barren had taken the day off.

We spent the day fighting the current heatwave.

We don't have AC, and so the fans were on and we were laying (literally) low.

Later that day, I realized

I forgot the ice in the coolers and it leaked all over the  living room floor.

As the week went on, our fridge seemed warmer than normal,

but I simply figured the heat wave made me want everything cold cold...

so I turned the temp down further.

By Thursday, The Barrens' stress level from work was through the roof-

I was giving him personal space and quiet.

except for when we called to wish 

Our niece happy 7th birthday wishes. 

 This same day, my state had registered over 500 individual active fires.

Many started by lightning, and with our decade long drought it was easy to ignite.

The smoke is starting to bellow all over the state and so we close all the windows and doors, 

so as to not get sick from the air.

Then...

My father called with an update from his recheck with his neurologist 

and was this time diagnosed with 

Hemicrainia Continua

and had stopped his prescribed steroids (for a "viral infection" in his brain)

 and was prescribed an anti-seizure med 
(ironically the same med my cat is on)

He gave me bits and pieces about the visit, peppering in his "toxic positivity" over it all.

When I asked a few questions about the visit, my mother was handed the phone and 

I could hear her voice shake as she mentioned her fear

from witnessing memory loss and balance issues she was seeing in my father.

I did my best to let her know I heard her, and that I thought it was a really good idea to mention these things to my fathers primary doctor. Fear of addressing them was not going to do any good.

I phoned my brother and told him we need to sit down and have a super sucky conversation about our parents and where our lines of involvement are.

I felt like the big sister again, and I could hear in his voice my little brother.

It was terrible.

Meanwhile the old man cat, is miserable from the heat and is lying around looking dead.

Like, have to check he is breathing, looking dead!

Then we had two small earthquakes 

and when I got up to get myself a glass of water.

I realized nothing was cold in the fridge but everything was still frozen in the freezer.

I started to spin., and the room was getting dark.

(I had gone shopping on Sunday before the outage and the new food was bad or going bad)

At this point, 

I was just able to vocalize to the stressed out Barren, before I shut down, that I was:

" really really stressed"

I don't think I spoke the rest of the day.

I sat and watched TV and went to bed to stare at the mountain of laundry 

that had formed in the corner of our bedroom.

Yesterday night, we went and bought a new fridge.

We should get it sometime in the next week, ideally.

Turns out everyone is sold out of fridges and with the heatwave and rolling blackouts

and fires and earthquakes and a virus that is still killing thousands...

things are a little backed up.

So how is your week going?

Stupid & Contagious

***Below I ramble, mostly because it felt like a conversation with someone other than myself, 

in my head. I talk about race, isolation and frustration***

I am thankful that we are all healthy and bored, let's just start there.

I visited my parents home two weeks ago to deliver food and sit in the back yard with them.

mom working the "invisible man" vibe

I walked through a side outside gate, and met them in their backyard.
It is still very foreign to still not hug them or touch them.

They gave me my birthday present from April.

We sat, made small that and then had heated discussions about race and climate and how things are never going to be like they remember them again.

We talked about the grief that surrounds that and how they are or are not dealing with it.

My father nibbled on the cookies I brought, as he rolled his eyes at me, and told me how he wanted me to act. Make no ripples, stay below the radar.

My car and the sign that made him "freak out"

My car was the reason for most of his outbursts, and me telling them that a Hell's Angel pulled up next to me and gave me a side eye at a traffic light.

Later that same day, a group of those same "angels" drove into a crowd of peaceful demonstrators narrowly avoiding children that were in attendance.

I have another sign in the other back window that says: "No Justice/ No Peace"

I have left them in my windows since our parade attendance for the local BLM rally.

I was able to calm him down and simply say, we both want to be good people, doing what is right.

I can not be silent when so so so so much is wrong.

I would not be able to sit with myself by being silent.

These are the kind of conversations that are happening all over now.

The state I love in and the country I reside in is upside down.

We are " stupid and contagious" (to quote Kurt Cobain)

We had another 550+ cases over the weekend, just in my county!

I have made and given out over 200 masks personally...

I don't know what else to do?!

I spend my days trying to make art, when I am not sewing masks.

I do all the house work and run all the errands, as The Barren* has become more and more concerned about leaving the house for ANYTHING.

I do yoga daily virtually and often times the teacher, 

and anyone who has their camera turned on for class, 

are the only other people I see that day.

I am terribly lonely, even with another person in the house. 

(whom I love and I am thankful we are together though this...but we are both becoming more and more fragile from the isolation)

I have been staying away from the news, as every time I dip my toe into that swamp, it is far more infested with the most horrible things, that I can't really comprehend what has happened.

People talk less to each other when out at the shops.

Neighbors talk less to each other.

The beaches are crowded, the streets are full of tourists.

We are doomed to be in this home forever at this rate.

As a rule follower, I am saddened by nobody else doing the work.

I wake up each day, with a bright disposition, hopeful that I will make something lovely or moving.

Hopeful that there will be different news from this current world.

It is harder and takes serious focus to carry myself through the sludge of energy pulling me away from that brightness and hope.

My bestie and I had a facetime call the other day, we both were feeling very heavy in the heart.

it helped to see each others face, and talk real talk and admit that we are both feeling all the feels!

An old boyfriend reached out to me the other day too, 

just to see how I was, it made me feel so very loved.

It sparked a long chain of emails reflecting on the things we miss, and how it sucks.

** The Barren is currently enrolled in a songwriting class and is finding great joy from that. His mood is vastly improved when he finishes each class. He has been writing and I now find him researching music theory and deep in word thought.

fighting against it all

We attended a Black Lives Matter rally two weekends ago.
We paraded around (in the car) the protesters with hand-painted signs of support.
(this was our social distancing version of protesting)
I am reading new books and learning how to be a better anti-racist.
but there are people that didn't support the cause...
one of our favorite Vietnamese take out places put a Black Lives Matter sign in their storefront window and some customers asked him to take it down that it made them uncomfortable.
He refused...and thankfully he mentioned it on his social media page
and received a load of support!
PEOPLE!! Seriously!
I am feeling the water creeping closer to my head in this fight...

I was reading what other countries are reading and understanding about the US.
and I was not surprised.
We are a train-wreck and then this happened...

This is why Americans are still dying and contracting the virus.

This is an example of people I live near.

I fight everyday to think the best of people, believe that most people are good.

I do hold that as my starting point.

This is why it is questioned every day and why I am terrified to go get groceries.

Thankfully the city council voted to mandate masks 

for all indoor businesses, and government offices, it was a close vote though!!

4-3 for masks

My town is on a watch list now, as we have had a spike in cases.

over 100 new cases over the weekend and an increase in hospitalized cases.

This is how the US is dealing with the virus.

we have a peeing section in our pool.

If you are outside the US, know that there are millions marching against this.
We have more registered voters than ever before.
Most of us DO NOT WANT this reality.
MANY of us believe in equality and justice.
We want a change to the establishment.
WE ARE FIGHTING.
if you are an american and live abroad

PLEASE VOTE!!

Twisted

I have been keeping up with my home yoga practice.

Many days it is like pulling myself through taffy, other days it is total joy.

This practice is healthy for me, as things are upside down in my country.

I am ashamed, angry, heartbroken and yet still hopeful.

I have begun a re-education of myself and some days it feels as though 

I am studying for a huge exam. 

I am learning to understand where and how my white privilege has benefited me.

I am understanding how many of my brothers and sisters have been denied opportunities and treated differently because of the color of their skin.

I am not talking about simple understanding; I am trying to understand the depth that white supremacy has taken a hold and been a part of culture here in the US.

The scary stuff, the hard stuff....the deep understanding of what I don't see and why.

Example one:

I am a hippy kid, a child that was raised in a multicultural neighborhood.

I had friends from all backgrounds and my mother made a point that we 

be "color blind".

I realize that was a mistake now, that by not seeing the beautiful color of my friends, 

I overlooked/ did not acknowledge, the beauty of their skin and missed out on their cultures.

I am looking into my fears and prejudices and trying to understand where they come from and if they are from trauma or outside influences.

It is hard work, but I know the hard work needs to be done to make big changes.

For myself, my relationships and our future.

I was exhausted and was watching Former President Obama speak in a town hall. When he came on the screen, I felt my whole body relax....like the safety of a familiar friend had arrived.

Then, I listened to Dr. Bernice A. King speak and say:

" don't be afraid to make mistakes"

I am feeling the responsibility of the world,

a frantic need to understand everything from everything all at once...

these words made me feel a little better.

In my readings I have discovered so many beautiful wonderful non-profits.

Amazing artists, beautiful poets and writers.

Activists and support systems.

It has been a supreme enlightening, like turning a page in a story and discovering so many new treasures just around the corner.

Even on my meager income, I am thrilled to become a donor to a number of groups.

We are attending a peaceful protest rally tomorrow.

I am looking forward to it.

Masks, glasses and social distancing in place.

We are starting with "parading" which is driving around the protesters with signs of support..
then if it appears safe for us to join the crowd*...we will.

*There are new cases and deaths from the virus every day in my town. Two weeks ago my city was one of the first in our state to open up patio dining, beaches and parks... and so floods of people from larger cities descended into our little beach town....ignoring many precautions.

I am working on so many things right now mentally.

I am trying to be an artist and create things,
but have found that the pressure for an artistic response about:
 the virus 

the Black Lives Movement

the isolation

the loneliness

has made creating impossible for me.
During meditation the other day I came to understand that...

I don't think I have processed it all or enough yet to create a response yet.

I am recalling Elizabeth Gilbert's Ted Talk about the "Elusive Creative Genius"
and taking heart in it.

So I am starting back at square one and beginning my walk again.

What is important to me

What brings me joy

what do I love to do?!

I am ready to twist myself into whatever shape I am suppose to be.

Alone with my rants

I think the isolation in starting to get to me.

I am sleepy a lot and not really feeling creative.

I have taken to making more masks. 

I had to stop last month because I made my neck spasm from looking down 

at the sewing machine and ironing board.

© The-Barreness.blogspot.com

When I finally stopped I had made close to 90 masks for family and friends.

This time I am breaking up the parts and so far it has protected my neck.

I am up to about 25

I am hoping to sell some...my other job is non-existent even after installing a remote desktop to try and capture anything that might fall through the cracks.

***

Silly rant to follow

***

I am cleaning/tidying up a lot too.

It seems to have totally fallen onto my shoulders.

I cook 90% of the meals, clean, do laundry and the shopping.

I think it is starting to become too much,

I test the waters every once in a while to see what would happen if I didn't stop in the studio and dinner time arrives...it arrives and then I am asked what I was thinking of making...and then I end up stopping and making and cleaning up dinner.

The Barren has taken to baking bread regularly and often I end up cleaning up after that too.

After dinner my dishes are collected and then I find them stacked on the counter, left for cleaning.

I clean them as I find a full sink in the morning massively distracting...

so I am trying to perform an act of kindness for myself.

I am not going to complain about it as I figure it would only leave to an argument and I don't want that energy in the house.

OK rant over...a rant about silly things!

***

-Second rant-

I went to pick up online orders for groceries yesterday. It was a warm day, and I was SHOCKED by how crowded the beach was, the streets were filled with people.

I mean I guess as Americans, just like all the memes I've seen:

we got tired of the virus, so it simply does not exists anymore.

As a rule follower, I am short circuited, by this.

I see new cases every day in my county, and there was a rise two weeks after Easter, and now I expect there to be another two weeks from now.

People have died locally, and still so so so so many people ignore the request to wear a mask.

It is still "suggested" that you wear one.

***

Onto Uterus news:

I made some gifts for two baby showers that are coming up.

I made them and then made sure to get them out of the house ASAP

I didn't mind making the burp cloths and printed onesies, 

but my gosh, I could not have them stay here.

Virtual baby showers!

I mean is this a new hell...??!!

I normally do not go to showers...that is my no-go line in the sand, but

The Barren RSVP'd that we would attend a virtual one...so I am going to a baby shower.

OMFG

I am thankful that it is just us in the home.

We have a small place and the idea that a kiddo would be here too pacing and trying to do school and be occupied is a scenario I can not imagine.

So in that regard, yeah for being Barren.

Also my period is 26 days late so far...

Aside from a pandemic, it appears that I have officially kicked open the peri-menopausal door

I feel a little shaky mentally

I am taking everything slowly...and methodically 

I guess I am grieving the loss of what was, and realizing that it will be a long time before I can go to art shows, or galleries or museums.

It will be a long time before things seem like a new normal.

Maybe it will never be a new normal.

I am just kind of lost for an anchor of okay.

My yoga studio is moving to streaming classes next week...

that might be closer to like being social kind of...

it all feels off.

I do hope you are all feeling less lost and shaky.

Half a century

I chickened out and stayed away from my parents home.

It broke my heart, but I understand that even if we never got near each other it was a risk I was not willing to take in their health or ours.

So I had a Facetime call with them followed by a zoom call with some friends.

I had sent out invitations to join the call and half way through got self conscience and stopped emailing peeps and then with the gentle nudge of The Barren, 

I sent it out like a crazy shotgun blast to a bunch of people.

Everyone said they would attend and then I freaked out again....

but like parties of the past, not everyone showed up, which was fine.

I did my hair and wore something other than a sweatshirt...and had a pre-meeting freak-out about how everyone was going to be looking at me and I suddenly looked like a tired old woman.

I moved the ipad and swallowed my pride and got on camera.

It was lovely..and SUPER SURREAL!!

I offered my homemade cupcakes to the crowd...

my brother had made a snack tray and had nibbles on camera at his home, 

a neighbor couple wore green mustaches, 

another couple of people had glasses of wine, a cousin showed off her new baby chicks. 

We took tours of each others living rooms and yards.

Then something absolutely humbling happened....

everyone started to show off artwork they had of mine.

I was floored and so deeply touched!

I mean really touched and humbled.

Someone suggested they sing happy birthday 

and the song sounded like it was being sung in a round...which was super funny.

When the call ended I took a shower and fell into a nap!

Two days later I got a gift delivered from a painter friend.

I had sat for her in 2013 while she explored options for a portrait project.

She gifted me the study she did of me.

It is a good likeness of me and I sent a photo of me next to the painting to her 

and she posted it on social media.

I feel like I need a manor home to hang a portrait of myself, it seems very Georgian.

Today I received another gift from another painter friend of poppies.

She said that I came into her mind when she was making it and felt I should have it.

50 is full of surprises so far

It was not what I thought it would be, or how I thought it would be celebrated.

It felt nice to do something with my hair and "dress up" 

It was fun to make myself a birthday cake

and have a local bakery deliver cupcakes to my parents so we could still do our annual birthday cake for breakfast together (apart)

I could actually feel my heart refueling from the love that was shared with me on my group call.

Never mind the high level of anxiety, I was aware of the feeling and took a moment to feel it all and soak it in.

I am thankful for that!

Normal heartbreak

This is my youngest niece.

She is in first grade and this is her new normal.

I made her mask and never imagined I'd see a photo of her like this.

This is her back yard...I am thankful she has safer outdoor space but this just breaks my heart.

Her teachers and principal did one of those drive through the neighborhood and waving to the kiddos that are all now homeschooling. The teachers miss their students and this is their way to support them and show their love. What a crazy new way of seeing the world.

I have been distracted by making masks and mailing them to loved ones far and wide.

It is replacing my normal birthday karma*, and I am happy to do it and it has been a sense of helping in this whole crazy. I have made close to 80, but that number is about to go up as I am making a new set this weekend.

I am using all my old hoarded fabric from when I use to make kids clothes.

Talk about a cathartic turn.

I am watching these beautiful fabrics shrink as I send every new package out to full families.

* I give gifts to loved ones for my birthday every year, recently it has been a piece of artwork but this year it is masks.

The Barren and I are getting along just fine. 

I am thankful for that and I think it really highlights how we can really make this work for another 150 years together.

My birthday is the 25th and I have decided to make a cupcakes, drive the 40+ miles to my parents home and sit across the street and eat our annual birthday cake for breakfast together, apart.

That is the grand plan, that is what 50 will look like for me.

The Barren has agreed to come with and participate in the cake eating celebration.

I continue to listen to the science and plan on this taking longer than expected and getting scarier.

I continue to be thankful that my family and friends are healthy and following rules.

I am thankful for a lot of this upside down version of life.

I am just taking it one step atta time.

I fell twice in less that two weeks here at home; two good bruised up falls.

 As I move slowly and watch my body heal and ache, 

I am thankful that I am able to heal and have the space to do it slowly.

One was a slip on the tile of the bathroom (the same tile we've had for 20+ years) 

and the second was a trip over my work chair that had me land on my ass.

Twin bruises below my butt and a skipped down the rib-cage and stab into my side bruise,

 thanks to a framed artwork.

Thankful I didn't land on the cat who was right beside me !

Also thankful for the extra padding on my body...

as I was wailing in pain, I started laughing and confused The Barren.

He asked if I was mentally alright...

Through laughter I said, " My fat saved me!" 

So yours truly is shaking off this final year of her forties and in a deep metamorphosis into a 

MOTHER FUCKING BUTTERFLY

in time for my birthday!

Busy time

Snail feeding continues

We are about to finish week three in quarantine:

I survived my cycle, and it was "kind of no big deal" 

and it marked one year off birth control.

I made myself period cookies and charged kisses 

from The Barren if he wanted one.

I got a lot of kisses.

The Barren is working long stressful hours at work, as the learning curve

 for his department is almost 90* straight up...

but there is progress every day.

His company announced that everyone will be working from home 

for the unforeseeable future.

There will be no new hires, no promotions and no wage increases.

Everyone is still employed.

***Good news***

I on the other hand, am still trying to figure out how to make a buck or two.

I want to promote a sale on social media, but I feel guilty about it...and so I seem to find reasons to not do it. Would it be uncool to offer art at discounted prices??

I have not hit the portion of this alone time where I clean like a mad person.

I like the idea but, when I think of doing it, I think I could be doing this other thing instead...

hahahaha

I am not a domestic person, but I have become a full time cook and laundry lady.

I am averaging one trip out of the house a week...

this last week was farmers market and the health food store.

It was surreal and I started to wonder 

Will what we remember of society ever be again?!

I awoke this morning from another strange night of sleep, or a sleep-like night.

My dream was that I was photographing for an architectural firm, starting with taking head-shots

and then moving onto a series of stock images for them...but I kept hearing people whisper about me and how I had dirty clothes on.

I was smiling and keeping it all professional the whole time and then someone said to me, 

"you do know that your shirt is stained in back and that you have blood on the back of your skirt!"

I looked down at my beige mini skirt and turned the fabric around, 

and saw that there was blood oxidizing on it and I was confused.

then I woke up saying

" well that is really disappointing"

So how are you sleeping?!

I think the distance is starting to weigh on me and my heart.

This is the longest I have not seen my parents, or brother since traveling many years ago.

I speak with them daily, and have encouraged them to call via facetime...but a traditional phone call seems most comfortable for them.

I am feeling sad I guess.

I have food, a home, clothes and I am healthy.

My close family is healthy, they are fed and safe.

For all that, I am happy.

I guess my heart hurts a little today.

I am acknowledging it and letting it move through me.

That is the healthy thing to do.

I might watch some more youtube videos of people 

walking though the great museums of Europe 

and wonder if I will ever be able to see them again.

what are you doing in your lockdown?

Meanwhile...

With very few exceptions (one farmers market run, one grocery store)  I have stayed indoors, 

at home since the 15th of March.

My yoga studio has been creating videos so that we can continue to practice at home.

I have been doing classes. I find that I get lazy at home and 

it makes home practice a true challenge for me, 

which is why my practice at a studio was so important.

I am doing classes daily, but they are different and I tend to not push myself.

I continue to be the go-getter for the home. 

The Barren is still employed thankfully, and our kitchen has become his office Monday-Friday.

His whole company went virtual on the 13th at 5pm...which is wonderful because they have offices all over the world. So every office community is now safer because of it.

My job has stopped, as has my income, which was a trickle to begin with...

I have items on EBAY, and Etsy but nothing has moved in a long time.

I am trying to not think about how I have no income

*stay calm*

I am quite emotional today for some reason.

Hubby thinks that the isolation is starting to get to me....

but the real thing that is starting to get to me is the expectations!

I am an artist that now has every hour of the day available to make work, 

meaningful work, important work...and lots of it!

I am not able to focus.

I have work in progress, but I seem unable to turn my attention to it.

All the shows my art was suppose to be in have been cancelled.

I have no venues to show my work in.

* breathing, thankful breathes, to be breathing *

I have two other artist women that text a couple times a week to report on all the work they are doing.

all the paintings they are working on and completing.

How it is like they are preparing for a solo show, work and ideas flowing like rivers!

I scanned a vintage photo from my collection and have drawn it 

over and over and painted it different each time, here are the first two.

I am trying but...I am not a painter

Meanwhile, I am carving little stamps and make hand-stamped postcards for people.

(until the postage I have here at home has run out)

Love bombs, that make me feel a little better imagining my niece getting a card she can color in the mail...or the great-grandma on lock-down getting a little love note from a stranger.

In an effort to escape from myself this morning, I watched YouTube videos of a random person walking through major museums...just to remember what it was like to walk those halls in my past.

I was weepy and wouldn't make eye contact with The Barren.

Favorite quarantine activity:

I have been feeding the snails on my patio and learned that: 

they do not like carrot greens but do love

lettuce, kale and my potted plants.

I hope that this miserable post finds you all healthy

beautifully sane

and maybe still a little hopeful

Pacing and Crying

So last week I woke up and said, I should get a few things in case this changes.

The Barren and I made a list and I headed out to the shop to get what we needed.

It was way way harder than that.

I arrived to a shop that has bulk bins, as we are trying to reduce packaging in our lives.

I was greeted by chaos, and empty shelves and dazed people.

Some were just trying to do their weekly shopping but the others were stock piling!

I stood in line and bought some of the items we were looking for.

I made a second stop at a health food store to pick up some of the other items then came home and took a nap. On waking up I headed to the traditional grocery store to see if there was any dried pasta or sauce...insanity there too, people buying frozen pizza and hungry man tv dinners.

I picked up some fresh produce and pasta....thankfully there were loads of pre-made vegan options available.

The Barren and I went to the Indian market on Saturday and got a bag or rice and lentils and spices.

the owner is a wonderful lady who was OVERWHELMED by people buying ALL the rice.

It is like something from a movie

I went to work (it is myself and my brother) on Sunday to avoid people. 

I asked him how and when were we educated on what to buy in case the world has a pandemic? 

I went out yesterday to get medicine for the cat and pick up eggs for The Barren...

no luck on the eggs.

I awoke from a panic attack this morning and face-timed my brother...

we were both in bed and he showed me my nephew putting together this lego set that he finally was able to get from Christmas (he had to earn it in no attitude and such)

I then called my parents in tears, telling them that if they make bad choices, and end up in the hospital I won't be able to see them.

My father has taken this all as a personal insult and it fighting all real logic with toxic positivity.

He heard my tears and made promises, the last time I did this was when he didn't tell anyone he was having chest pains for a couple days.

I think I screamed at him then ...

So this is the normal here.

Hubby and I are getting along ok, and he is working from the kitchen table and so his ability to walk away from work at the end of the day is harder now...

I hope this weekend we will have some change, maybe a walk outside.

Oh- we are suppose to go to Farmers Market on Saturday morning in hopes to get eggs.

and more fresh veggies.

I am trying to suppress my panic at not making any money right now

 and wondering how I might pay bills...

I don't have to get political to express my disappointment at not knowing what is going on.

Being frustrated that my town doesn't have enough test kits or swabs to test people with.

I keep hearing that our food supply is stable, but just got word from a neighbor who went out that there are empty shelves and no paper products to be had.

The Barren is flirting with a bidet attachment for the toilet now.

I am fine with that.

It feels like I was blindsided by this all...and the more I dip my toe into the news

the more horrible it is, and so so so sad.

This all feels like a movie

I am floating in this horrible movie that I never wanted to see.

I am scared and unsure what to do to make this upturned ship right itself.

I assume we all feel like this though 

and there is a sense of comfort in that too.

kind of