* BOOM*

this lady is hysterical, watch some of her videos and laugh!
she is crass and funny and real!

Ok, so I dropped off the art this morning, making all my deadlines

pat on the back

and I wanted to treat myself to the chai I had mentioned before...but you see it was now

close to 11:30 am and EVERY single place was FILLED with brunchers...moms and brunchers.

I ended up going to a little coffeeshop I like that is filled with hippies, and today, 

NOT filled with brunchers and moms and babies and doting kids.

I got the caffeine, skipped the sweets and headed home to make a sandwich.

While making this sandwich, the Barren was working and had headphones on....I was about to settle into some crappy TV to take my mind off the business from this morning and just zone out.

I got a text...it read:

" I just had a strong feeling to wish you a happy mother's day. 

I know you don't have any kids, 

but I really feel like you have inspired many people

in your life through your art and your joyous spirit. 

By you just being you, you have raised up creative gifts, creative thinking, hope and joy in others. So for that, happy mothers day The Barreness!!!!!"

It knocked the wind out of me, I just about fell to the floor reading this.

My eyes swelled with tears and I could barely catch my breath.

This message was from a neighbor who I always say hello to, but have only gotten to visit with once.

We are friends on social media but really don't exchange much back and forth.

Hence the total shock 

I wrote back telling her that I was so deeply moved to tears by her loving gesture....

I was without words other than thank you.

I am still in kind of a daze...

a euphoric daze

Mothering

I called my mom and asked her what she wanted to do for Sunday.

 I offered up a meal or some time shopping or whatever she wanted. 

I told her it was her day and she called the shots.

After a lot of hemming and um mm-ing...she said, "lets have oatmeal on Monday before work".

I was kind of disappointed, but curious why she chose that.

She is going to the movies with my father and will most likely see something HE wants to see and sit quietly through the whole event. Maybe get a big popcorn or red vines.

My mother has in the past, chosen to let me retreat on this day. She has respected my grief and discomfort and allowed me to pamper her for the day or asked that I pamper myself...or understood why I hid.

This year I seem still, quite OK.

(Aside from the market yesterday, where THANK GOODNESS the checker greeted the woman behind me with Happy Mothers Day, he was just a "hey how ya doing" for us...whew....I told the Barren that I felt quite relieved by not having that as our greeting.)

Feeling like this year was way too quiet, 

I kept prodding her and she said....well, that is what I really want.

I said OK, oatmeal it is then.

So today, I will be driving artwork to a drop-off site, picking up some caffeine along the way (as a treat to myself) and watching the Barren blow his nose....he caught a cold.

I sent out a few cards...and will send a few text messages...but it seems like any other Sunday to me.

but I haven't left the house yet....

My plate is full

clearly my essential oils to "magnify my purpose" are working

So I am busy...really crazy busy, 

like so busy I am paralyzed and unable to decide which task to do first kind of busy

.....ever been that way?

I have 10 pieces to frame for upcoming shows that all pretty much need to be done by this weekend.

That is a lot of mat board and math and frame

I can totally do it but for some reason I feel compelled to sit and eat tortilla chips and watch some horrible television instead. What am I doing!!

This last weekend I had some friends over to eat some cake and make me smile...it worked

My father even participated in a music jam session...so the house was filled with sound and laughter.

it was nice...really nice and a great cherry to the weekend before sundae that I was still digesting.

I ate and loved fiddle head fern
as well as everything else that got shoved into my pie-hole

I am currently over committing myself to friends:

I made hand printed coasters for the bride and groom
the back side has three different designs too

I also volunteered, well didn't say no to a bride to be friend, who has asked me to make the cakes for her upcoming wedding (end of the month) and shoot the official photos of the day...yeah,sigh.

and help with all the other stuff that is coming up too....

Last night she sent a HUGE list of things she wants done the day of or the day before...

you know when I would be baking and sweating and freaking out over her wedding cake stuff....

and I want to help but I am a little overwhelmed...in fact so much so I didn't answer her email yet. 

In all fairness it was sent to three people besides me...who all are helping too.

I think that is my latest response to being overwhelmed: waiting...pausing.

In reflection that is probably a really good thing, because if I say something RIGHT away I would most likely add more to my already full plate of commitments and then really feel like taking to a cave and hiding.

I will answer her...I just need to slowly read it all again and figure it out.

I know I am gonna get it all done, and the pressure will be something that I don't like but I can do it and it will be completed and good events will follow suit...but until then....I can vent here and in the tub at night.

I have also been reflecting on being child free...someone asked me at the gym the other day if I had kids.

I simply said nope

She was kind of unsure what to say so she said "well kids aren't for everyone"

I just smiled

I use to answer, no, I have cats....but I was finding that it was a cop-out...like: no, but the cats are just as good. So this was the first time I got to say what I really felt.

I was OK with it, no need to overshare, or be snarky or drop an emo bomb...

It felt comfortable and right.

I watch my SIL juggle a little one and two others and see her still trying to be herself and a wife.

I am thankful for that...both all she is doing and that I am not juggling all that too!

That is a huge step I think for myself...I am really finding comfort again in my self.

On a side note:

This is what I got from my mom and pop on my birthday...

yep, baked goodies and a fresh skull from an owl pellet

I love that the randomness in my life is coming back!

I Forgot....

I have been in my own head and so I am not here...strangely enough.

I am still in my three times a week practice, eating the cleanest I can 6 days a week and teaching myself what I can about how to navigate this life of mine.

 

It wasn't until I received the annual email asking for my opinion or input on a research study some post graduate is doing on infertility and art therapy did I realize that it was NIAW.

I actually forgot!

Like totally forgot....

 

Last year I was mad and made a pledge to not talk about it, as it really felt that I was preaching the choir. We all know about infertility and how much it hurts and what we don't want people to say to us and what a long and personal road it is to regain our sense of self again....
so why tell each other.

I am waiting to respond to the request...
I am not in a hurry to remind my body and heart about my journey through the fire...
sorry post grad, you are gonna have to wait.

photo by: Arthur Leipzig
 

PLUS it is my birthday week! the actual day is Friday and I am feeling beyond lucky as The Barren swept me up last weekend and took me on an all surprise trip....
He had been planning it for weeks and it is so outside his personality to keep a secret, that all I saw was this as a massive gesture of love.
He gave me the gift of a weekend with him, and to top that, my best friend!
WHAT A GIFT time with your best friend, and hubby and music and junk food and love and time, time time...I was feeling so overwhelmed with love over the weekend
that I kept busting into tears of joy...and gratitude and glee.

I looked nuts and puffy eyed most of the time.
My bestest lives 3/4 of a days drive away and so the gift was HUGE.
We went to a concert, got dressed up and watched people dance, ate spicy indian food, played in the city and ate junk food and groaned and made fart jokes into the night.

Now as I come down, and plan a little thing here so I can share some time with the parents....
I reflect on how much I am growing.
So much in my heart and hopes and life
There was a moment over the weekend as we drove from a drink spot to a junk food spot as midnight approached...a moment when I realized that The Barren and I lead a different life than most...and that it is pretty cool to move so freely and openly. My bestest said it reminded her that she needs to get them out more often and do stuff outside their comfort zone.
One of the many reasons I love her....

 

So I think my darkest hours are becoming memories

I protect them still but understand that they are floating somewhere else now.

I heard that I friend is having a baby, after much trouble and heartbreak and I said out to the universe

" let their home be filled with children"

I am happy here

happy heart



Sense of self

 

 

So after that last post, where it was mostly just brain vomit...

I started sitting and reflecting on who I am now.

 

I really think I have shook the label of infertile as my FIRST descriptor of self.

In fact, it feels like it has shifted pretty far down the list of identifiers.

Does that mean that I don't still ache so deeply for the babies I am not watching grow up?

Does that mean that I still don't think about how my body didn't do what it was suppose to do?

Nope.

Everyday it enters me mind, but I think my relationship with those events

are in a different place now.

They are not forgotten but more like interned,

almost as though, I have allowed them to lay to rest;

transcend this earthly plane and ascend to a new level of conscience.

Does that make any sense?

 

I am seeing signs of it regularly now.

I look at babies again, and smile at them, because they are funny and drooly.

I am not angry when I see a pregnant woman,

but wonder how long she tried for and how scared she might be at this new road in her life.

I mentioned to my yoga teacher that I couldn't do some poses because of my endo, but I mentioned it in such a casual way, you'd think I had said I couldn't because of a head cold or something.

I am thinking about how to make memories with my niece and nephew as a way for them to remember me, not act out re-imagined situations I might have had with my own children.

 

It is strangely liberating, and slightly sorrowful.

I am growing

That is my best guess at this

 

I spend a lot of time alone, whether in the studio working, or just being me. 

I reflect on strange things like:

Where do the city raccoons live that eat out of the city garbage cans?

Why do some finger nails grow faster than others?

Why are some people afraid of quiet?

What can I do to be more focused?

How would I feel if I applied and got a residency abroad?

Why does cheese seduce me so...

 

Being alone and quiet a good portion of the day, makes me realize that it is indeed a gift.

Although I would have loved a home full of boys (that is what I always imagined)

I question if I could have been who I am if I had that too.

I am suppose to make art, but would I have still stayed on this path with a baby?

I am finding that I am seeing this now, as a sort of re-gift.

I was denied so much for sooooo many years, and so many more ahead of me.

I guess I am justifying what I have now as a new beginning, or gift.

Maybe I am simply making a lemon drop from a bushel of lemons...

but that seems to be my mindset these days.

 



Deep Thought- or just some random thoughts in a single post

 

I love the pretzel of hair on the back of her head

 

**Warning-I seem to ramble a lot in this post **

and the spell check stopped working mid-post so please excuse any spelling errors

 

 

OK so I am back in the studio, most of the week now...well portions of the day, most of the week now. It makes a difference and allows me to do all the crazy admin stuff that no one ever tells you is required when you are trying to make a name for yourself in the art world....or just trying to get your work seen by someone other than yourself and your visually over saturated friends and family.

 

The Barren is very patient and truly believes in my work and me, even when I am not totally convinced. I think this is paramount to my mental health and

fighting the easy slide into self doubt and depression.

I am lucky indeed.

 

I am making new work and have held back on my shotgun submissions, instead focusing on making new and interesting work.

Last year I spent close to $500 in entry fees and although I was in 14 exhibitions,

I only sold four pieces...some would say that is not a good investment.

So in an effort to be farther focused,

I am thinking three or four times before submitting works and trying to save a buck or two.

 

It is hard....really hard.

I want to be in everything...like me, please like me

 

On to other complaints...

The honeymoon is over with this vegan stuff...it takes a lot of effort and preparation and planning.

I seem to always be hungry or totally over food...one extreme or another. It is exhausting!

It also means that when I do eat something non-vegan, I spin into mental tabulation of what I ate, how much and how bad was that for me...I am pretty sure an hour of hot yoga does not burn off a weekend's worth of white potato hash browns and a scoop of ice cream or toast

but I am letting my mind think so for now...

 

 

According to my parents, who are really confused about how and what I eat now...

I channeled my great grandmother two nights ago and made something that she always made, stuffed cabbage rolls...but I made mine vegan. (she is probably rolling her eyes, heck I am rolling mine) It took a LONG time and was much like making enchiladas or tamales...where you have a complicated filling and then roll and bake and presto- done.

I have to admit, they tasted really good and the parents said that they were a good representation of the tradiational dish...but I wonder, did I make these because I was desperate for a complex new dish or was I trying to connect with family?

 

I find that as the years go on, and I age without offspring...

I wonder how I connect with the family here?

I find myself looking at photos desperate to see if I resemble anyone,

or carry anyones traits...or am I really the anomaly.

 

I have also been having dreams about searching for family.

Complicated routes and great distances are involved...but in the end I don't see them.

I have been watching "Long Island Medium", I don't care if it is all staged or fake.

Something in me needs to see the messages, and then I wonder

..if she read me, who would come through and what message would they deliver?

I wonder if my babies would...can someone who left before they are whole-

be whole on the other side? and then deliver messages?

I like the idea...I am not religious so I can not seek out the answers there; so I am left to my own version of spiritual guidance which leaves the door WIDE open

to questions and theories and feelings.

 

Onto other news

I went away last weekend to enter The Barrens homebrew into a competition...we'll know in June if he goes to the next stage...but we spent the night away and he got to sample loads of microbrews.

I had every intention to sample them as well, but with the voice in my head and her calculator I couldn't do more then a taster of two...I tried to not be a wet blanket and bring the whole scene down, I went wherever the next pub was and sat quietly and laughed and engaged in conversations...

but really, I was bored.

It was a good weekend still, and I got some real time with The Barren

who is traveling a lot more now for work.

So with all this extra time alone now, I fill my head with thoughts.

Sometimes deep, sometimes shallow..but it is always filled.

 

Someone Not Me

I had to go to the nursery to recover from what was my Friday...

I buy plants when I am extremely upset, emotionally.

Plants have always set my brain right, the garden and the potted plants on my patio have acted as therapists many times over.

It is a good vice, I mean a plant buying binge is far better in my mind than other vices.

 

I was called into jury duty. I sent in the card and followed the rules, but really I don't want to serve on a jury as I would have a hard time ruling on someones life.

When I got to the waiting room, a judge came in and talked about

how important it is to be a juror.

I listened and understood that I had no control over the day...and I tried to swallow that.

He assured us that we would not be called for family issues, like divorce or child custody.

I took an exhale of relief.

While waiting, someone from court appointed advocates came in and

told us about what they do in foster care....and speak out for abused foster kids...

I was getting mad, I felt assaulted by the sad situation and I wanted to run from the room.

She left and I went back to the drawing I had brought to keep me busy

and listened from my name each time a pool was called.

On the third round I was called to a courtroom.

I was OK with that, and after sitting in a jury chair as the room was quite full

 the judge read what the trial was about and I about lost it...

 

Crime of a lewd act against a child, and multiple molestation allegations

My heart was about to explode, it was beating so hard and I began to sweat.

When the judge asked if someone had a hardship and he got to me,

I stood before a packed room, shaking (I could hear it in my voice)
 and said that being a woman who has lived through 8years of infertility
I could not emotionally handle the details of the case.

He asked if I had a job, if I was married and if I had kids.

( I was angry, as I had just told him I was infertile...
hell, I told a good chunk of my counties demographic )

He then said it was not a hardship and to take a survey to fill out for the lawyers.

The prosecutor asked my name, and I spelt it as I left the room.

He said he didn't pick the jury, but the lawyers did.

I was fighting crying at this point...as I left the courtroom

I made it all the way to the bathroom at the end of the hall
to totally break down in a puddle.

Then I looked at myself in the mirror and told me:

" pull it together, you can write down why to the lawyers"

Keep fighting it

In another lifetime I was that person who would have wanted to be on the trial,

serve justice and get the wrongs righted.

I am not that person now.

I can mostly accept that.

I am struggling a little;
as I was asking to walk away from a moment of need.

 

I spent the next hour filling out the form,

details about if I knew people who were victims of crime

did I know police officers

did I know lawyers

did I think children's testimony was less valid than adults

and finally an area to tell them if I felt I could be unbiased.

I pleaded that as an infertile woman
I am very sensitive to stories of children and
that the details of this case might send me into a depression, undoing all my therapy.

I told them I could not be unbiased or open minded.

After I finished the survey, I left the building angry
and feeling like I was being forced to witness another horrible thing in life.
 

I got back to my car, knowing I would have to return Monday...

I called my mom to tell her that I might not be able to take her
to her medical procedure on Tuesday and when she said you OK?

I lost it and cried, a lot...no words just tears.

She was patient, and then said "can you tell me anything?
...I said: "the worst you can imagine"

"She said is it about children?"...and I cried

I told her I needed to get some plants

She told me she would foot the bill, I giggled...and then said

"I'm sure your survey will get you excused"

I told her I hoped so, as that was my only hope now.

 

After buying a trunk load of plants and new mulch...

I spent the weekend trying to not think about it.

it was futile.

I dreamt about it, I had quiet moments and panicked about it....

I returned this morning and after waiting,

my name was in the first pool of names called into the courtroom.

The judge excused us.

I looked at the prosecutor and whispered "thank you"

then turned and left the courtroom.

I could breathe deeper

 

I am now home, squeezing the kitties watering my new plants and sipping tea.

I hope I did the right thing



Wordless Wednesday

 

I think things are really changing



Landed

 

 

I have finally landed.

I realize that I have no control as to when people leave this earth,
and what I can control or moderate is the way I process it.
It makes me quiet, fearful and very vulnerable.

This is what I have learned.

 

I have been working hard on focus.

Focus in life; within my work and inward.

I have skipped some yoga days, but still get to class three times a week at least.

This last week was my cycle and I skipped two days, but not from pain

but because my art required I not miss some deadlines.
It was liberating to be able to function well and almost ignore the fact that another
cycle has passed.

The Barren was invited to a baby shower for a co-worker, he declined but I whipped up a gift
for him to take into the office and deliver to the father to be.
It was easy and I felt no pain, anguish or sadness from sewing up a couple little things.
I was thankful for that.
The hardest part was writing a little note to a couple I didn't know.

Valentines day was a celebration of us.
We dressed up and I took The Barren out to a fancy dinner at a hip new eatery.
We drank, and ate and laughed and had a genuinely good time.
Including stopping at an ice cream parlor after dinner for a second dessert!
We have both reflected on that several times since.
I think it is topping our list for future weekends, something we are aiming for now.

I had to rewrite some artist documents this last week, update my descriptions about my work
and myself. It was very hard, so hard that I had to ask for help from my business group.
It was a slice of humble pie, as I realized I needed help and then that I had to ask for it.
It played out well, and in the end I was able to rewrite the documents without
loosing my voice, and yet still convey the level of professionalism I was aiming for.
Fingers crossed for some new GOOD changes this year.

I am taking it slowly, and methodically
feeding my heart, my mind and my body
 

Shit is getting real....

crime: failed to return a cup of sugar

 

 

I am not quite sure what I am feeling these days:

 

In the last month, I have heard of two more women the same age as me

having double mastectomies

and this last week alone

a suicide of a high school art classmate

and today the death of a college classmate

(We had been on a study abroad trip together)

 

It has triggered a fear that I am not present enough in my life.

...like in a moment to moment way.

I am constantly thinking about my own mortality;

fearful that my life will end at any moment.

I am scared

 

I am trying to feel all these feelings and not hide from them

but they are quite overwhelming

and big

and REAL

 

On the inside I feel like a person walking in tiny circles

hands clutched and curled into my cheast

fearful that someone will literally

rip my heart out of me.

 

On the outside I am trying to smile, keep my eyes open

and be calm...and imagine a soothing unhaunted slumber at days end.



Beautiful People

I heard this in class this morning and just about burst into tears.

I needed to share it with you all, my sisterhood

Happy Friday Ladies,

Beautiful lovely people:

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross 

Working on it...

So I only made it to Yoga twice this last week,

and as expected I am feeling a little lost.
The Barren new job changes also are going to have me spending a lot more
"me time" while he works late and travels again.
 

 So no time like the present to start on my goals for the year...

I took a journey into the BIG city all by my lonesome.

Try as I might I could not find another soul that wanted to journey into the big city with me to see the art fair that was filling two halls in a convention center.

I put on my brave face and drove myself and treated it like a research and development expedition.

I chose comfort over style to dress myself in and my back was glad for it.

Yeah good ol' pair of running shoes!

(i once jogged, but that was a decade ago, but the shoes are still AWESOME)

I spent over three hours wandering up and down the aisles and picking up magazines and cards.

It was interesting to see what galleries were currently carrying and representing.

The first day was apparently crawling with artists, the following three days was movie stars.

The gallery that I have had work in since October, was there and the curator told me she saw

Leo and the Fonz and Mr.mom

(you can figure out who I mean)

hand embroidered designs on deerskin, on a mounted deer!

left side: drawings inside matchbook covers, prints and then paintings
full spectrum of images!

Painting on porcelain and folded clay sculpture of a deer
both were from contemporary Chinese artists

I met this painter, the one of the left has baby birds hatching out of her shoulder
and the ghost cat is about to eat them. AMAZING painter, dark subjects loved it!

 

 There was also work that left me wondering:

gold saxophone made from river rocks

I am not sure, the women that were in charge of the booth
didn't want to be photographed with the work
(this made me giggle)

 

After hours of visual saturation; I left with a mixed sense of awe, inspiration and intimidation

The convention had everyone exit via a jewelry show and when I turned the corner I was arrested by the HUGE amount of SPARKLE!!

Diamonds everywhere!

BIG bright diamonds....

I was glamored but realized that none would be mine so I left....and went home.

none of this is costume jewelry!

I "rewarded" myself for my act of bravery with a stop at a vegan cafe,
and ordered mac and cheeze to take home and eat in my PJ's
It was goooooood, but I was also hungry : )

As I stare and read through the stack of information I collected, I realize that there are MANY
opportunities to submit work. The real work is getting representation, that is on this years goal list again. I would like to get representation this year.

The Barren and I went out to breakfast yesterday and were sat next to a toddler that was singing her own version of "you are my sunshine"...
The Barren looked at me and said he was sorry, I smiled with tears in my eyes and said
It is OK, she is happy: lets take in that level of joy and carry it with us!
It was tough, but I realized that I can make my own level of happiness everyday.
Just like the little mess maker that was sat behind us.

This is a new year...

OK I am feeling a lot more like myself...well at least closer to it.

So I figured I would wander onto here and type up some things...or babble.

 

OK so Xmas was nice

We got to visit with some friends and

eat everything in sight with smiles on our faces

Catching the new year sickie but was the low light,

but we got to be home together and commiserated

on our snot and tummy gurgles.

 

Now here I am standing up in the first week of the new year and finding that I still need to make a goal list....I took down last years from my bulletin board and realize I had completed about 50% of them...well the ones I printed out at the beginning of the year, mind you I drive myself INSANE by constantly adding to the list as I cross something off I tend to add to the list at the same time...

 

So here is what I have decided so far:

 

*I need to really learn how to braid my own hair, french braids etc...
I am tired of ponytails and buns and two tight braids




*I am OK being vegan,
I am also OK having cheese or a treat every now and again, zero guilt.
I am making a lifestyle change and it won't stick if I feel tortured all the time:





*I need to go to yoga at least three times a week or I am lost and confused.
Plus I had a breakthrough Monday and even though I was dizzy from lack of oxygen
and snot I finally was able to do this pose with a block under my forehead,
that means that the bruises on the backs of my upper arms are for something!:




*I am actively changing my thinking!
I am choosing to change my language.
When something is not stellar,
I am currently vocalizing all the things that are right instead.
The Barren witnessed this the other night when I couldn't breathe and was aching from coughing.
I started talking to myself saying:
I am fed, I have a loving relationship, I am warm and sheltered
I woke up this morning and saw the sun rise.



*As much as I don't like the 4:30am wake up for a 6am class, I really find the pre-dawn magical.
I look forward to watching the sky change colors in the morning.
I remembered that I even use to do this as a child:





I plan on getting serious stuff done this year.
 Focus on my work and take chances.
I know I might not hit every mark,
but I am willing to try
and that my friends is what I have found to be the most important
 in my personal rediscovery
I am trying.
I am less afraid and less concerned about the sky falling.
I am making muscles, so I know I can hold something high if I need to
even if it just my own shoulders

Monday giggles

 

A reminder that life is fun if you don't take things too seriously

The end is neigh...

OK so my first world problems were solved and the package arrived...on the Saturday. We left for our little trip on Sunday so I could still wear the dresses....though one makes my boobies look like rocks in socks...gotta find a good bra option for that dress, cause free styling is NOT an option it seems.

 

The Barren and I went away for the couple days before Christmas,

we are trying new things,

trying to find new personal rituals that make us feel good.

This year we tried the desert, I had a fantasy to see cactus covered or dusted in snow...

well, my state is in a drought, in fact this year is the driest on record since 1877!

We are bone dry...

So although there was no snow, the desert never disappoints in it's own beauty.

We visited a state park and were able to be almost alone for the whole day!

It was quiet and barren and beautiful.
 

We have to remember to bring a picnic, as we had to cut our visit short,
because we were getting hangry and
the bottle of water and mixed nuts just didn't cut the cheese.

We relaxed and got massages, sweated in the steam room, had dessert in bed and ate ate ate fancy food...
I ate everything I saw and it felt like that when I got back into class (ugh)
Then New year arrived and The Barren started to feel *funny*, he didn't drink much but we still ate like crazed people and the next day we were both lying low...by the end of New Years day The Barren was coughing and sweating and saying funny things.
He got a cootie.
I went out to the scary pharmacy in our neighborhood
(they assume all people walking in are looking for pills, or are strung out on meth...so it is a colorful crowd when getting cold medicine)
I nursed as best as I could and tried to keep my face away from his as he coughed through the WHOLE house...leaving no surface free of cooties!
I skipped class yesterday to nurse him after the doctor said it was a possible bacterial infection in his chest, I kept a cheery disposition and made sure he got two antibiotics into him before the end of the night...but last night my chest started to get heavy, and currently it feels like there is wet sand in my lungs, weighing me down.

Sadly, I can not miss work, we are about to have a very important inspection, so I am here, skipped yoga again as I could not imagine being able to catch my breath in class...and popped two ibuprophen and am drinking water so I pee every half and hour, and trying to work with a clear head.

I can only think of two things:
1. I want to go to sleep
2. when can I get back to work in the studio?!

So my new years list is on hold, until I can really see clearly
and feel rested to really know what I want from this year.

I have deeper and more interesting things to say, but it will have to wait
 as all circuits are busy right now with other tasks.
Happy new year ladies, I will be back to my normal self soon, I am sure....
xo

Wednesday....whining

 

mad DJ skillz kitteh

 

I needed a distraction from my building ulcer....

I ordered some dresses for a little weekend getaway last week

 and my package did not arrive on Monday as it should have but instead is

still hanging out on the WRONG SIDE of the country!!

 

I am a little frustrated....OK a lot frustrated!

first world problem I know

 

My yoga class was PACKED this am, all the college students are getting in the last workout before heading home for the holiday....so new hairdo's, talk of departure dates and work breaks were all the air was filled with in the locker room.

 

Meanwhile my pretty dresses are stuck in the wrong postal office!

ugh

 

Back to what you are doing...I am just bitching for no real good reason

 

Winter has arrived...well kind of

I live in a place that is almost always the same temperature.
Some find this heavenly, most people from places that have to
shovel themselves out of their homes once a year
or baton down the hatches from wind.
We live in a homeostatic environment. ho hum mm....
I find it really hard to ever really feel like life is passing
 as there are no visual signs of time changing or moving....

sunny and mild, for the next 360days
 

This last weekend things changed!

We had a whole night of "rain" and then grey skies for half the day...
followed by the last two days of COLD

it has gotten to, ready....30 at night!
 

This all happened in the course of two days...
and it doesn't appear that it will rain again for a while...
so our draught continues.
 

These last few days feels like winter,
I was shivering the other night...
I woke up twice now looking for a light dusting of snow...on the foothills.
No dice yet

My mother suggested I spray our patio with water to maybe make a mini ice rink!

it didn't work...sigh

 

So I have to focus on other parts of life,
wishing for a season is not going so well.
 

Last week I went to the end of the year big art event.
It was just as amazing, in fact I am not sure I have totally processed
all of what happened and how far I have come in this last year.

My work sold in the first hour!
There were TV people there
I wore a cool retro dress
My hair looked controlled
(vain)
I was present in conversations
It was packed and people said kind things about my work
I met new artists, and talked about the struggle to make art daily
It was a strange and reassuring time as an artist
I felt relevant

After the exhibit closed its doors, I walked with The Barren in the cold night to dinner.
We found a tavern that was not full, and waited for our table
When it was time to go to our table I took three steps and placed my foot in just the right way
as to land on my arse in the middle of a busy dining room!
Purse behind me, dress displayed like I was seated for a picnic, legs folded side saddle.
Mortified, I took an assessment of myself and got up...brushed myself off and went to our table.
The Barren got me a glass of wine, assured me that it was all fine and we had dinner.
I took tip toed steps past my point of impact when I needed to venture to the toilet..
the adults at the tables concealed their snickers mostly...

Yoga the next morning made all the aches and pains go away.

As "winter" settles in I feel less like hibernating and more like bursting out of my cocoon!
Like a confused flower bulb

I am not afraid to fall, I know I can get up again
I am bubbling with ideas
I am ready to greet this new year!
Winter is not frozen in me; it is alive and cool and vibrant!
I am currently composing my goals list of next year...

Look at that view

OK so I have to admit, I don't look around much in yoga...I am pretty self focused.
Not in a self-absorbed, or narcissistic sort of way but in a inward reflection kind of thing.

 I am also still trying to not puke up the four almonds

or the half liter of water I drink

 on the drive to class.

 

I am finding little glimpses of new physical strength

and every once in a while I will see what appears to be a muscle show.

Recently The Barren has been asking if there are any "cute guys" in class.

I find this funny, and sweet. He wants to know if I see any eye candy.

It appears that this studio mostly attracts college ladies.

I am always in a class filled with women in their early 20's, often much younger than me

almost always much more fit than me, but no one has been unkind.

I only know the name of one woman, as I asked her.

As for the other people I see almost daily, I don't know their names.

I smile and wish them a good day as I leave the locker room daily.

We've seen each other naked, or partially clothed...but no names.

strange, but not really.

I don't think any of these people come to class to make friends,

they come to practice and leave for the rest of their days.

Many often just change clothes and then go for a run! I am not that person....
 

Yesterday a rare event occurred, a second man was in class.

There is one guy that is in all my 6am classes, he wears a headband and a pair of long trunks.
He is college age, has little body fat and spends his practice focused.
 

The man that was next to me yesterday looked like he had maybe .00000018th % of body fat.

You could see every single muscle clearly defined and
 it was like I was doing yoga next to a living anatomy chart!
I remembered all the charts and images from my anatomy classes, and figure drawing classes.
I saw him as lines and shapes, wondered what it took to be that disciplined?!
I did notice that he had crooked toes, and from this I assumed he does martial arts...or did.
Why else would you have "repaired" broken toes....
I like to figure out stories for people when I see them, like in movies, when you get glimpses of backgrounds of who they are by the filmmaker showing you a fast slide show of images that allows you to understand the character in an instant.
 

I wasn't leering, I looked over at the beginning of class and

then when he was able to do "bird of paradise"
Which I was not able to, as my hands could not touch while
I was folded in half and bending forward.
Yoga has taught me a lot of humility and admiration!

 

 What I took away from this eye candy, was that it is OK to admire what others are able to do,
even if you can't do it. I had ZERO jealously about it...I was literally in awe.

As I progressed through the next salutation, Mr. Anatomy was in "child's pose"
he needed to still catch his breath. I found my mind wandering,
wow even with all his fitness he still gets winded.
That is amazing...

As the class ended, I was in deep meditation focusing on my mantra as Mr. Anatomy left,
like a ninja.
I guess that is another talent he possesses.

I am learning so much about myself.

Away I go

image

Salutation Saturday

One year ago today I had my surgery.

I know a lot of people on the internets are doing a month of gratitude.

I think it is great and if a call for bloggers or facebookers to write every day what you are

grateful for makes the world a more grateful one...then whooo ha!

 

I think I do a lot of reflection daily on things I am happy about, grateful for and looking to evolve.

So this is a little different.

 

In reflection of this last year:

I am glad I listened to my Primary care doc and got a second opinion

I am happy I found my cowgirl surgeon

I am happy that they developed the CA125 test

I am glad the Japanese researchers published their findings about chocolate cysts

I am thankful that she sat down and gave it to me strait

I feel badly that she had to eat crow when she was

convinced that this might "fix our fertility problems" 

I am glad that it rained that morning

I am grateful beyond words that my Barren was beside me

until the moment they took me into the OR

I am beyond thankful that my oldest friend dropped everything to be here to hold my hand.

I am so happy that my surgeon was skilled and saved my tubes and ovary for me

I am without words happy that she caught it before it became cancer

I am grateful that my body was able to heal well and return to being mine

I am thankful that a year later I am sitting here

Lighter, Happier and healthier then last

 

I am manifesting my new destiny

I am focusing on my desires for this life,

I am so thankful for what I am building

I am making art

I am meditating

I am happier

I have said goodbye to my guilt

It is such a relief, such a massive relief

Thank you

image

 

Thank you for the kind words about my anniversary.

The Barren and I spent time together hugging and kissing and shaking our heads in disbelief.

You see although we have only been married 11years, we have been together over half our lives.

It is pretty crazy and not a day goes by that I don't reflect on how lucky I was to meet the right person at the right time and then never let go.